The Problematic Patent

by lilinuyasha

Rating: teen
Tags: Original Character, Comedy, Sex, Random, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 2379

A strange patent attempts to be published, but it's slightly...questionable.

Published 2011-10-28 21:59:08 UTC
Last updated 2011-10-28 22:07:56 UTC

Chapter 1

A light grey stallion waltzed into the patent office, wearing a grey business suit and a charismatic smile characterized only by salescolts. Casually, we approached the front desk, setting his equally grey briefcase gently on the floor. The receptionist in front of him, clad in 70’s style classes, continued writing on a sheet of paper. The stallion waited in front of her, maintaining his charismatic smile. After several minutes of the receptionist not responding, he cleared his throat. She slowly tilted her head up towards him, halting her writing momentarily before resuming, ignoring him once again.

“Hey there.” he said, attempting to gain her attention. She didn’t respond much, instead focusing on her work. He cleared his throat again, before repeating himself even louder. She halted her progress, glaring at him.

“Thank you for visiting the Pony Patent Office. Please sign in and take a seat.” she said in monotone, pointing to a rather large sign behind her that said the same thing. He quickly signed his name, excited, and took a ticket from a nearby dispenser, before picking his briefcase up, taking a seat next to two rather large colts reading various selections of terrible magazines they had for visitor’s “enjoyment”. He wanted to speak to them, but opted against it, instead putting his hooves in his lap, waiting patiently.

“Number 32.” called the receptionist, monotonously. As one of the ponies near the back started trotting towards the front desk, the salescolt checked his number. 54. He smiled to himself. This wouldn’t take long at all.

Hours passed by as the salescolt sat silently in his chair, going over his material. The two colts on either side of him had already gone, as had the rest of the visitors, save one purple pony silently reading a book.

“Number 53.” said the receptionist. The purple pony put her book in a satchel and trotted off to the front desk, where another receptionist showed her through a smaller series of rooms.

The salescolt waited eagerly in his seat. It was almost his time to show what he was made of. He double checked his briefcase, making sure all of his necessary materials were in there.

“Number 54.” said the receptionist, once again without any sort of inflection. The salescolt rose up, gathering his materials, nearly tripping over himself in his excitement.

“Right this way, please.” said a teal pony from behind the desk, leading him behind the counter, through a series of rooms to an office. She took a seat behind her desk, offering one of the one in front of it to the Salescolt. He gently sat, attempting to hide his excitement. He was finally here, about to prove himself to the world.

As the teal pony pulled out several sheets of paper, the salescolt pulled his briefcase up, opening it, removing the contents. He laid a small, electronic device, a tablet, and several files, paperwork, on the desk. He put on his charismatic smile once again as the teal pony turned his direction.

“Good afternoon. Sorry about the wait.” she began, giving him a slightly insincere smile. “We’ve been really busy today for some reason. Anyways, what can I help you with?”

“I’d like to file for a patent.” he said.

“Alright. Do you have your paperwork?” she asked. He handed her the files as she began to read through them, sorting them out.

“Alright, Mr...Clopperson?” she said, checking to make sure she read it right.

“Yes Ma’am.”

“That’s...an unusual name.” she said, shaking her head. “Can’t say I’ve heard that one before.”

“You know how it goes. We’re a traditional family, chose our last name based on what our families did in the past. I guess our family has been clopping for generations.” he said, proudly. She halted momentarily, giving him a strange glance, unsure of how to answer.

“Well, I’m sure they were good at it.” she said awkwardly.

“We’ve been clopping far and wide for generations. But that’s a different story.”

“Oh...yes...” she stammered. “Let’s get on with the patent, shall we?”

“Oh, yes, please.” he said, sitting up, beaming.

“Alright, what is the name of your patent?”

“The clopper.”

She froze, a faint shade of red coming across her cheeks. “The...clopper?” she asked, making sure she’d heard it correctly.

“Yes. The clopper.” he said, proudly.

“...what does it do?”

“I actually brought a video of the clopper in action!” he said, picking up the tablet, turning it on. He fumbled through several of his video files before selecting one. “Now this is at night. My wife and I were in bed and I decided to show her my clopper. Anyways, you’ll pick up on it.” he said, pressing play.

The video was pitch black. A soft audio track played.

“Alright, honey, I got something to show you.” said a voice that sounded exactly like Mr. Clopperson’s.

“Oh? Am I finally going to see it tonight?” said a female voice, presumably his wife. The teal pony watched the video, slightly mortified.

“I hope so.” he said again as a gentle clopping sound rang twice. Nothing happened. The teal pony looked over at Mr. Clopperson. He held up a hoof, signifying that she wait.

“Oh, honey, I’m sorry.”

“It worked earlier, I swear!” said the male voice in the video.

“Maybe you’re not clopping hard enough?” said the female voice. The teal pony grew a sick expression.

“Good point.” continued the video. “Let’s try this again.” he said, as two more clopping sounds, louder, resounded. Nothing seemed to happen as the video remained black.

“Oh, honey, I’m sorry...” said the female voice.

“Well...” said the male voice.

“Here, let me try to clop it for you.” said the female voice. The teal pony gagged a small amount, pulling a trashcan closer to her. Another two clop sounds rang out, as the video suddenly changed, revealing a well-lit room with Mr. Clopperson and his wife. The rest of the video consisted of Mr. Clopperson turning the video off.

Mr. Clopperson took back his tablet, shuffling through some more videos.

“So...it turns the lights on...when you put your hooves together?” said the teal pony, making sure she had it correct.

“Oh yes.” began Mr. Clopperson, “But you can also turn them off with it. Clop with the lights on, Clop with the lights off.” he began.

“Um...” began the teal pony. “that sounds...useful.”

“I believe it can be. I mean who wants to get up and flip the lights on and off all the time? With the Clopper, you can clop in bed, you can clop in the shower, you can even clop in the kitchen, you can clop anywhere you want to to make life easier for yourself.”

The teal pony fidgeted awkwardly before asking the next question. “Do you...have a marketing jingle? A marketing ploy?”

“Oh yes.” he said, selecting another video on his tablet. “I had my daughters sing the little jingle I wrote for it.” he began, pushing play. Three small fillies on the screen started singing a catchy tune.

“Clop with the lights on,

Clop with the lights off,

clop in the kitchen too,

Clop for your mom,

Clop for your dad,

Clop for your grandmother too!” they sang out. The teal pony watched, eyes as large as saucer plates, horridly mortified of what she was seeing.

“Aren’t they just the cutest thing?” said Mr. Clopperson. “The ending still needs some work, but those are basically the words I want. I think little fillies can help sell the Clopper. Everypony tends to buy things if it has small children singing for it.”

The teal pony stared at him. Was he serious?

“Um...alright. That’s...good. Now how do you plan to market this? DO you want to join up with another company or sell your invention on your own?”

“Well...” he began, thinking it over. “I wouldn’t mind partnering with someone else, but I’d like to be the leader of a huge company. Maybe an electronics department store, like Cloppington’s or Clopalot.”

The teal pony threw up in her mouth a slight amount, coughing profusely.

“Are you alright?” asked Mr. Clopperson.

“Yeah, just...a bug going around. That’s all. Now...” she began, getting her next question ready. “You already answered where you want to see yourself in ten years...where would you like to see your invention in ten years?”

“Well, I think it’d be cool to have the clopper in everypony’s home. I understand price may be an issue, but I won’t stop until everypony in Equestria is clopping. It’s just so convenient, being able to clop lights on and off. Even the old ponies in the retirement home can clop. Little fillies can clop. Even you can clop.” he said proudly, beaming at her. She blushed, looking at her paperwork before she threw up again.

“That’s...alright.” she said, politely trying to turn him away from that line of inquiry.

“Well maybe your husband would like to clop?”

“I’m not married.” she said sternly. “Now let’s just get this over with.”

“Oh...alright. Sorry.” he said, slinking back in his chair.

“Do you have a commercial script for your invention?”

“I actually made a makeshift commercial.” he said, flipping through his tablet again. The teal pony sighed heavily before putting her head to her hoof, leaning against it heavily.

“You’ll have to excuse it.” said Mr. Clopperson. “There’s only so much I can do with free software. Hope the monotonous female computer voice doesn’t turn you off.” he began, pressing play.

The video began by showing a poorly animated pony standing in a square, presumably a room. A voice played in the background as the pony began moving around.

“Have you ever found yourself in bed, ready to go to sleep, but suddenly remembered you forgot to turn the lights off?” said the voice as the pony, who was drawn in a bed, nodded.

“Who wants to get up and turn the lights off?” continued the voice as the pony, angrily, got up, turning the lights off. Suddenly, the color in the video changed to black and white as a giant red “X” drew itself across the screen.

“Don’t bother! All you need is the clopper!” said the voice. The pony on screen, still halfway between the bed and light switch, had a sudden question mark drawn above his head.

“The clopper is an ingenious new invention that allows you to turn lights on and off...from anywhere in the house! All you have to do is clop!” The pony got a giant exclamation point over his head as a smile grew across his cheeks.

“That’s right! Simply put your hooves together and clop! Here’s how it works...” said the voice as a diagram of the clopper appeared on screen. “The sound waves from the clop ring out, causing a small sensor within the clopper receiver to move. This movement trips an electrical wire that tells the clopper to turns your lights on...or off! It’s easy!” continued the voice as the video of the three fillies singing the jingle came back on.

“Clop with the lights on,

Clop with the lights off,

Clop in the kitchen too,

Clop for your mom,

Clop for your dad,

Clop for your grandmother, too!”

“So order one today! Call 1-800-get-clop!” said the voice as the video ended.

“Nothing in that commercial’s final.” said Mr. Clopperson. “Numbers can change, we’d probably get better graphics, but you get the idea.”

“Yeah...” said the teal pony, still uncomfortable with the subject matter. “I think we can skip this last question, since I’ve seen a demonstration already...”

“Oh, no ma’am. I’ve got to do this by the book. It’s simple, really.” he said, putting his hooves together. “I even created a little jingle for it!”

The teal pony sighed, motioning for him to continue.

“Clop high!” he said, putting his hooves above his head, clopping.

“Clop low!” he said, bringing his hooves down to his lap, clopping.

“Goooooooooooo clopper!” he said, clopping his hooves in rapid succession upward before swinging his arms to the side, leaving the teal pony dumbfounded in front of him. “See? Simple.”

“Yeah...” she said, finishing off the paperwork. “Now all I need is your blueprints and you can leave.” she said, extending her hoof rapidly, eager to be done with him. He handed her the paperwork, blueprints, and everything else necessary to publishing his patent.

“Alright. Now have yourself a day. Good luck.” she said, sounding busy.

“Thanks! I think it went over well. Enjoy your day as well!” he said, before casually strolling out the door as confidently as he came in. He put on his charismatic smile, strolling out.

“See you later, Agatha!” he said on his way out. The receptionist grumbled a bit. Mr. Clopperson took a breath of fresh air, savoring all his hard work that got him to this point. It felt good. Now all he had to do was wait.

***

“Mommy, can I clop when we get home?”

“Absolutely. Everypony’s going to clop together, trust me.” smiled the mother to her little filly. The filly screamed in excitement as they brought home a small, white bag. “Just wait until they install it, alright?”

“Aw...but I wanna clop now!”

The conversation continued as they left Clopalot with a brand new Clopper unit. Mr. Clopperson smiled to himself. He now had a thriving business. His daughters were the advertising face of the company, while his wife wrote the campaign jingles. According to his business charts, within a month everypony in Equestria would have a Clopper. Princess Celestia had already ordered several for the palace, and many high end customers in Manhattan were ordering several deluxe models. A curious set of 6 friends from Ponyville had recently ordered several as well.

Over the past few years, the Clopper had received a small bout of negative attention for whatever reason. Mr. Clopperson didn’t understand it, but it didn’t matter. The clopper was thriving. Mr. Clopperson had finally achieved his dream of seeing everypony in Equestria clopping. Well...almost.

According to his records, there was only one pony that didn’t buy the Clopper through his successful business tenure. Apparently, the only pony missing was a teal pony he vaguely remembered from his early days as a businesscolt.