At first, Twilight Sparkle hadn’t thought much of Derpy Hooves, but she had to admit that the wall-eyed Pegasus had her charms. Derpy had always seemed to hang out in the background of her adventures with her friends, with none of the six ever paying her much attention, but the last few weeks had proven that she was an excellent friend, and incredibly deserving of joining the group.
Derpy sat across from Twilight, in the usual booth they used at Sugarcube Corner, nonchalantly drinking from a juice box. The Alicorn had never actually drunk from a Juice box, seeing as she could levitate things, but it looked like a really natural way for a non-unicorn to drink. Quite clever, actually. The only problem with Derpy was that Twilight didn’t exactly have much in common with her, which perpetuated the awkward silence.
She was instantly relieved when Rainbow Dash, Rarity and Applejack materialized next to the table.
“Yee-haw!” called Applejack. “These teleporter doohickeys are really somethin’ Twi!”
“Yeah!” added Rainbow Dash. “I was fast before, but now I’m there before I leave!” she beamed, and looked fondly at the device on her fetlock.
Derpy didn’t stop drinking, but she also nodded in appreciation.
“Still, couldn’t you have made them a little more…? Stylish… Dahling?” Rarity asked.
“Rarity…” Twilight started, rubbing the bridge of her muzzle with a hoof. “You do realize that these are powerful magical amulets, right? I didn’t exactly take aesthetics into account when I made them.”
“Fine… I suppose I will have to simply make do.” The fashionista replied with a pout.
Twilight gave an exasperated sigh at her friend’s vanity. “Alright, that means that all we’re missing is Pinkie and Fluttersh-”
“Uhm… actually, I’m right here.” Came a soft voice from Twilight’s right. Fluttershy was sitting in the booth with them, in the seat between Twilight and the window. The Alicorn almost literally jumped out of her skin, literally jumping in fright.
“Fluttershy! How long have you been there!?” She said, trying her hardest to calm her heart before it exploded.
“Not long.” Came the reply. “Sorry if I startled you…”
“It’s… it’s fine Flutters.” Twilight replied, trying to bring her smile back. She had dire news to deliver, it was best that fear not be the main emotion. “But, now that almost everyone is here, I suppose I should start. Time is of the essence.”
“Whaddya mean sugarcube?” Applejack asked.
“Is there another monster’s butt we gotta kick?” Rainbow added, throwing some punches at the air.
“Actually… no.” Twilight responded, using her magic to snatch the muffin Derpy was about to eat from her hooves.
“Hey! I was gonna eat that!” She cried, but then stopped when Twilight broke the muffin in half. The insides were filled with weird green lumps and odd bone-like protrusions.
“My word!” Rarity called out, taking a step back while Rainbow rocketed into the air with a “Oh Celestia that’s- I’m gonna barf!” Fluttershy merely ducked under the table with a ‘meep’
Derpy… kept drinking her juice box, an unplaceable look on her face.
Applejack was the only one to stand her ground. “Uh. Twi? What are those?”
“Tumours!” She said, with a happy lilt to her voice. She had no idea why. “This particular muffin has been teleporting in Derpy’s saddlebags for the last hour. It seems that the magic of the amulets has some side effects.”
It was Derpy’s turn to be shocked. Despite sitting still with her juice box until this point, she rocketed into the air and grabbed Dash by the collar. “I can’t teleport muffins anymore!” she yelled fearfully. “This is terrible! Absolutely terrible!”
“Actually Derpy…” Twilight said. “You can teleport all of the muffins you want. See, it’s not just muffins that have those...”
Everypony’s face was suddenly emblazoned with shocked looks. Twilight felt tapping on her shoulder. She turned to Fluttershy. “Twilight, how long?” The yellow Pegasus asked, fear in her eyes.
“Well…” The Alicorn began doing the mental math. “Let’s see, we’ve had these things for about three weeks, and we use them about… eight times a day… I say we have about three days to live, give or take. If you had something you wanted to do before you… well, died, now would be the time.”
“What the hay!” Rainbow yelled. “That’s no time at all! I’m gonna die a vir- Nevermind….” she cut herself off with a tiny blush. “Gah! Where is Pinkie with the cider!?”
“Look Dash,” Twilight began. “I know this seems dire, but we need to think positive. I’m going to try and figure out a way to cure us, but you just have to-”
She was cut off as somepony loudly teleported on top of the table, a pink pony carrying more cider than was probably allowed by law, and then quite a few more kegs outside of her bloodstream. “Woooooooooo!” Pinkie cried out giddily, spinning on a hooftip. When she saw the sad looks on her friend’s faces, she could only offer a “Something I said?”
“Meet me in the library in an hour.” Twilight said as she got up from her seat. “Pinkie, come with me, I’ll fill you in on the way.”
Golden Oaks Library
73 hours until death.
“Well… This is it everypony.” Rarity said to those gathered around the table, Twilight and Pinkie Pie were absent, having gone into the basement to try and find a cure. “Three days from now, we will be dead. For most mares, this would be it. The end. Except we are not most mares! We are the greatest group of friends to ever grace Equestria! There hasn’t been a single thing we haven’t been able to make the most of! As such, I asked Rainbow Dash to gather everypony’s last wishes.” She levitated a bucket onto the table. “Let’s see.”
A card flew from the bucket, and hung before Rarity’s eyes. “The first wish is Rainbow’s. It is…” she frowned in irritation. “A crude drawing of me with the words ‘blah blah blah fashion’ next to my head.” She tossed the card as Rainbow started laughing. “A picture of me having sexual intercourse with Spike…” She tossed the card. “Spike having intercourse with me… Me and Spike after coitus… Sweetie Belle is doodled in the corner crying, and my hair is on fire.” It was Rarity’s turn to pinch the bridge of her snout. “Did anypony actually put a last wish in here?!”
“I have a last wish!” Derpy cried out.
“Do you want the bucke-”
“Yes!” The gray pegasus blurted as she snatched the bucket.
“Alright ladies…” Rarity sighed. “Be mindful of your time, and make the most of it. Dash? I’ll see you in Tartarus.”
With that, they all left, Derpy chanting the word ‘Muffins’ as she flew out the door with her bucket prize.
Twilight’s Lab (A.K.A The Fungeon)
Pinkie, stop calling it that.
Never!
*Sigh*
72 hours until death
“Twilight, why do you need me again?” Pinkie asked as she pushed the trolley of muffins along. “I’m not exactly a scientist. Is it because you just like my company?” She added slyly.
“Not even, Pinkie.” Twilight replied dryly, looking over the clipboard that floated before her face. “These tumours seem to grow incredibly quickly in muffins and baked goods, and you’re the best baker in Ponyville. If anypony can help me figure this out, it’s you.”
“Okey dokey lokey!” Pinkie beamed back. “The sooner we get rid of these icky tumours, the sooner I can throw a ‘We no longer have horrific teleporter tumours’ party!”
“Looking forward to it Pinkie.” Twilight murmured as she shouldered open the heavy metal door to her lab.
“Say, Twilight?” Pinkie asked. “Why is your lab half a kilometre underground and surrounded by enough protective wards and metal to survive the apocalypse?”
The Alicorn stopped moving suddenly, leading to Pinkie running into her with the trolley. “Erm… no reason. Just… put the muffins over there, and let’s get to work.”
“It’s like a dungeon. A really fun dungeon!” Pinkie kept talking as she placed trays of muffins on the worktable. “Can I call it The Fungeon?”
The Carousel Boutique
69 Hours Until Death
Rarity was putting her last touches on her final dress. It was to be what she wore to a gala in Canterlot a month from now, but I suppose being my funeral dress will have to do. She thought to herself as she levitated a glass to her lips and took a deep sip.
Sweetie Belle would be at Applebloom’s for the next few days, no reason to put a damper on the young filly’s spirits just because her sister was slowly dying. Good thing too, Rarity wasn’t drinking tea, or even fine wine. What she drank was entirely unladylike. It was a bottle of homebrewed whisky, straight from Granny Smith’s still. The old mare had been a moonshiner in her youth, and the Apples still continued the tradition. Applejack had given her a bottle for her birthday, one of her own brews that she called ‘Applejack Daniels’. The humour was lost on the fashionista, but having something stronger than Canterlot Red was a welcome feeling.
There was a knock on the door. Rarity was a tad annoyed, as she’d set the ‘Closed’ sign in a pretty obvious place, but good manners dictated that she answer. She polished off her glass and then opened the door, revealing a sorry looking Rainbow Dash. Rarity narrowed her eyes then moved to slam the door on her ‘friend’s’ muzzle. She’d already wasted enough of her time with those… inspired drawings. Rainbow jammed her body in the doorway however, preventing the door from closing. “Rarity, wait!” she called.
“You have wasted enough of my time, you ruffian!” The unicorn replied. “Some of us want to look decent for our funerals!”
“Rarity, please, I didn’t come here to make fun of you! I’m jamming myself in your door because I’m sorry, and I need your help!” The pleading in her voice made Rarity reconsider, and she allowed the Pegasus to enter. She did, however, pour herself another drink.
“Speak, Rainbow. We haven’t exactly got time to waste.”
“Look, I-“ Rainbow paused, as if looking for the words. “I’m sorry for earlier, but I did actually have a dying wish. I want to go on a date with Colgate.”
Rarity burst out laughing.
And didn’t stop.
Fluttershy’s Cottage
“Thanks for helping me get all the animals squared away Applejack.” Fluttershy said with a smile as she helped Big Boss, a rather large snake, pack his luggage. When Fluttershy died, her animals would need to move out and find new homes, so getting them all packed and ready was a necessity.
“No problem sugarcube.” The Earth Pony replied. “Anything to keep me from the farm longer. Ah have no idea what Ah’m gonna tell the others, so Ah figure Ah’ll wait until the absolute last minute. No fuss, no muss.”
“Well that’s… practical, I suppose.” Fluttershy granted. She gave Boss a little peck on the top of the head before he slithered out the front door, tiny suitcase wrapped around the end of his tail.
“Where do ya’ll even get suitcases that small?” Applejack asked.
“Suitcase store.” The Pegasus replied flatly.
“Uh huh.” Applejack moved to change the subject. “Say, that Angel Bunny cleared out pretty quick, did he just not have much to pack?”
“Oh, no.” She smiled. “He’s just always been ready to leave, ever since I became an Element of Harmony. I think he likes to be prepared. Actually, before he left he said: ‘I’m surprised this didn’t happen sooner.’ He’s so silly.”
“Let’s just finish packing up…” Was all AJ could respond with.
Carrot Top’s House
67 Hours Until Death
“See Carrot?” Derpy said as she teleported the muffin again. This time it went to Apploosa and came right back. “I’m teleporting a muffin!” she clapped her hooves together in joy as she activated the amulet again.
“And why are you doing this?” Derpy’s flatmate asked. “You’ve been at this for hours. What’s the point of teleporting baked goods, and why are you wearing a bucket on your head?”
“I was told to teleport muffins, and buckets look better than paper bags! That was why I didn’t win the costume contest last Nightmare Night!”
“… You entered a children’s competition and lost to a colt crossdressing as Pinkie Pie.”
Derpy shook her hoof in fury. “I’ll get you next time Berry Bubble.”
“Uh huh…” Carrot shook her head. “Celestia, I need a beer.”
Carrot’s rage only grew when she opened the fridge.
Carousel Boutique
66 Hours Until Death
Rarity was still laughing. Every time she seemed to be calming down, the mental image of Rainbow Dash and the town dentist brought a new round of laughter ringing from her lungs.
“You? On a date with Colgate?” She belted out between cackles. “You’re terrible with fillies!”
“H-hey!” Dash countered. “I’m awesome with fillies! But, you… you’re good with mares. Mares that are well read, smart, know a lot about teeth, and have this cute little reaction when you yell the word ‘doctor’. Look, I need your help. You’re better than me.”
Rarity felt her laughter subside when she felt the sincerity in Dash’s voice. “Alright. I’ll help you.” She said, feeling a little devious. “On one condition. Say that last part again?”
Dash sighed. “You’re… better’nme”
“Didn’t quite catch that.”
“You’re better thanme”
“Hm?”
She groaned before yelling. “You, Rarity, are better than me, Rainbow Dash. Can we please get going?”
“Indeed we shall. Your first lesson begins now.” Rarity levitated some objects to a nearby table. A box of chocolates Spike had brought her for some reason, some Canterlot White, and a Hayburger Princess meal she was planning on eating later. “Now, I want you to seduce me.”
“What?”
“Seduce me!”
“Uhm… Rares, I don’t think-“
“SEDUCE ME!” She yelled at the top of her lungs, causing Dash to jump back in fear.
“Okay, okay, jeez.” She looked over the table and grabbed the first thing to come to mind, the Hayburger Princess bag. “Hey there… gorgeous? Why don’t we have it your way? Or how about my way?”
Rarity stifled a giggle as she slapped Rainbow Dash with enough force to send her to the ground. “I am not one of your Hayburger Whores! I am a lady, and I will be treated as such! You want to be my lover? Well then, you must earn it!”
Rainbow rubbed her jaw where Rarity had slapped it. “What, we gonna have a stupid montage now?”
The Fungeon
32 Hours Until Death
“Alright Pinkie, teleport it again!” Twilight called from behind the blast shielding. The muffin disappeared, then reappeared two feet away. With a mouth. Full of razor-sharp teeth. It then began chasing Pinkie Pie around the lab, gnashing at her heels.
“Twilight! Heeeelp!” Pinkie cried, climbing atop a cabinet as the muffin jumped and tried to bite her.
“No, let it chase you some more!” Twilight replied. “This could be some interesting data!”
Pinkie had other plans, unfortunately, and with a pickle jar she had been storing in her mane, dove down and captured the renegade treat. Twilight came out from behind the blast shielding as Pinkie sealed the jar, taking note of the muffin trying to force its way through the glass and bite Pinkie’s face off. “Look Twilight! I think it likes me!”
Carousel Boutique
6 Hours Until Death
“Okay Dash. It took most of our remaining time, but I think you’re almost ready.” Rarity said, feeling almost proud of her ‘pupil’. “Now it’s time to see what you’ve learned. You’re taking Colgate to a fancy restaurant, how do you proceed?”
Dash began reciting the answer mechanically. “Case the place one hour beforehand, ensure that the cook is on top form, if he isn’t then he needs replacing with someone I trust. Ensure that the house wine is one she likes. Get a table assigned to a waiter that doesn’t suck, and slip him a monetary incentive to prioritize our table. If he cannot be bought, replace him with someone I trust. The Everfree Forest is always a good place to hide bodies.”
Rarity couldn’t help but start laughing again. She’d taught Dash these things of course, but only half of it was actually the method for taking a mare on a date. She’d grown bored an hour or so in and started interspersing scenes she remembered from the Con Mane and Daring Do books she’d read. The fact that Dash had wasted her three days to sound like a sociopath tickled the small pit of revenge in Rarity’s gut. In truth, once the dress was completed, the Unicorn had nothing better to do than go through every drop of alcohol in the house. Wasting Dash’s time had been a lot more entertaining.
“H-hey, what are you laughing at?!” Dash asked, anger tinting her voice. “I said exactly what you taught me!”
“I know, dahling, and it’s hilarious!” Rarity continued laughing. “You would never have a snowball’s chance in Tartarus with Colgate, even if I had taught you the proper way to treat a lady!”
“You know what? Screw you!” Rainbow replied as she stormed out the building. “I am going to show Colgate the best night of her life, and then pray that I live long enough to rub it in your stupid marshmallow face!”
“Well, what are you waiting for?” Rarity said smugly. “You have less than six hours, dahling.”
“Crap.”
The Fungeon
3 Hours Until Death
Derpy Hooves popped into existence right outside the door to Twilight’s Lab, upon which the label that read ‘Laboratory’ had been scribbled out with pink crayon and replaced with the word ‘Fungeon’. Derpy shrugged as she opened the door, having bypassed the extremely long tunnel. Derpy had been down here before, against Twilight’s wishes of course, when she misread the label on the door as ‘Lavatory’. Luckily, the Alicorn had stopped her before she found something to pee in. Silly Twilight. Derpy thought. Why would you do science in the bathroom?
When the door opened, she saw Twilight and Pinkie Pie gathered around a pickle jar. Inside the jar was a muffin. Derpy gasped. “Did you guys create pickled muffins!?” she felt her stomach rumble. She’d been having so much fun that she’d forgotten to eat something. “This is the greatest death countdown ever!”
Twilight and Pinkie turned to her with smiles, Twilight’s was one Derpy recognized as her ‘I have broken several laws of nature today’ smile. Lab goggles were sitting on Twilight’s head, making her look the part of Doctor Frankenstallion. “No Derpy. This isn’t a death countdown.” Twilight replied.
“Yeah silly!” Pinkie beamed. “Turns out that the tumours weren’t tumours at all! Just magical cysts that only develop in yeast-based things like baked goods! We were teleporting this one for several hours, and look! It came alive!” she picked up the jar and held it before Derpy’s face, whereupon the muffin inside tried to bite at her through the glass. This elicited an “Awww, isn’t he cute?” from the mailmare.
“Yep, we’re all perfectly fine!” Twilight continued. “So long as nopony teleports any muffins.”
“Question.” Derpy said.
“Hm?”
“I have teleported muffins.”
Twilight’s jaw dropped. “Why?”
“You told me to.” She smiled.
“How. Many?” She all but growled.
“I have done nothing but teleport muffins for three days.”
“... Mother of Celestia…”
Sugarcube Corner
2 Hours Until… they would have died if there were actually tumours.
Rainbow Dash had everything prepared. She’d called in a favour with the Cakes for them to close a little earlier, they didn’t mind much after Dash had told them the reason, and once the sun started going down, they didn’t have much in the way or customers to start with. In fact, there was only one customer that came in around this time. After a long day of cavity filling and teeth cleaning, Colgate always came in for a little guilty sugary pleasure before the shop closed. Dash had spent the time wisely, decorating the shop the best way she knew how. Fluttershy or Applejack would have come in handy, but Rainbow didn’t want to waste the small amount of time they had left.
It looked terrible. If anything, it could barely be called better than the decorations Scootaloo had made for the school dance a few weeks before. I suppose it’ll have to do.
There was a knock on the door, followed by a muffled “Mrs. Cake? Are you in there? The door’s locked!” That was Dash’s cue. She swung open the door and tried her best to be suave.
“Why, Ms. Colgate, fancy meeting you here.” She said as smoothly as possible.
“Uh huh…” Colgate responded, confusion on her face. “What’s going on Dash? I thought I told you to stay away from this place on your last checkup? And where are the Cakes?”
That wasn’t in Dash’s internal script. She tried to save the conversation as she followed Colgate inside. “Sooo… You look… erm… Beautiful tonight…?” Dash could’ve sworn she heard snickering from the corner, but ignored it.
“Oh? Thanks, I guess.” Colgate said, looking over the counter into the kitchen. “Mr. Cake? Are you guys okay? Why does it look like an elementary school dance vomited all over the place?”
Luckily, the Cakes were at a show tonight, otherwise Dash would have turned bright red. “Uhm, Colgate, the Cakes aren’t here tonight, it’s just me and you here.”
“Wait, they left you in charge?” Colgate raised an eyebrow. “Why not Pinkie?”
Rainbow sighed. “Look, Colgate. I don’t have much time left, so I just wanted-”
The words were lost as a horrible, and yet delicious, sounding roar tore through the town, and shattered the windows. “What the hay was that?” Colgate asked as she peeked out the door.
“I have no idea.” Dash replied. She walked past Colgate and took to the sky for a better view.
“Do you see anything?” Colgate called up.
Dash felt her jaw drop. “Just a giant muffin trying to destroy the town.”
Ponyville Town Square
1 Hour Until Rarity Runs Out of Alcohol
“Derpy! We are going to have a serious friendship discussion after all of this!” Twilight yelled as beams of magic flew from her horn. Unfortunately, the giant muffin’s spongy skin absorbed most of the magic, and its tentacles whipped around, trying to grab Pinkie Pie, who bounced around them, firing her Party Cannon at the monster muffin when she had an opening.
“I just don’t know what went wrong!” she called from above the creature, slaloming around the tentacles that tried to swat her out of the air. Even AJ and Fluttershy were there, but they weren’t making too much of a difference. It wasn’t long before Rainbow Dash and Colgate came running up the street.
“Twilight!” called Dash. “What is that thing?”
Twilight tried incredibly hard to keep the irritation out of her voice. “Somepony has been teleporting muffins for three days straight, and now this happened!”
“I’m not even going to question that.” Dash said as she scooped a piece of debris off of the ground and flew at the creature. She got several good swings in before it snapped in half and a tentacle grabbed her. It pulled her up close to its mouth and roared. Dash couldn’t help but cough at the stench of its breath, surprising, as the muffin didn’t seem to actually have any organs. “Eugh, what have you been eating?”
The muffin didn’t answer. Partially because it couldn’t actually speak, but mostly because a bolt of lavender light speared the tentacle and caused it to fling Dash through the air. She landed hard, and right next to Colgate, who seemed to be focusing a spell.
Rarity chose that moment to appear, fading into existence as her invisibility spell wore off. “I’d say your date went swimmingly dahling.” She cackled once more as she charged into the fray. Dash mumbled a curse after her.
“Dash, do I even have to ask why a giant muffin is destroying the town?” she asked.
At this point, a tentacle had grabbed Derpy and swung her towards them. “I teleported muffiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiins!” she yelled as it continued whipping her through the air.
“Well, ya see, I’m not 100% up on the hows and whys, but I think it has something to do with these.” Dash raised her left hoof, showing Colgate the amulet on her fetlock, which had cracked its casing in the fall and was sparking magic. “It’s a teleportation amulet, and it apparently creates muffin monsters.”
“Dash! That’s perfect!” Colgate cried, taking it off her hoof. “If an amulet like this is the cause, I can use my time magic to reverse it! Or cause a massive explosion.” she added quickly. “It’s a little hit or miss.” Colgate infused the amulet with her spell, which began emitting a low pitched whine.
“Please tell me that’s the ‘reverse time’ noise?” Dash asked.
“Nope. That’s the explosion noise.” Colgate’s voice was incredibly calm, as if she’d done this before. “I need to get this attached to the muffin, and quickly! Can you get me over there? We don’t have much time.”
“Alright then, hold on!” Dash said as she grabbed Colgate by the barrel and took off as fast as possible. She tried her best not to cop a feel. “Everyone out the way! High explosives coming through!”
Derpy was nowhere to be seen, but the rest of Dash’s friends saw the two charging at the monster, sparking amulet in hoof, and took the hint, either teleporting or scarpering away. When they reached the creature, Colgate slapped the amulet on the creature, attaching it with a spell. “Alright, now we just gotta get to a minimum-safe dist-” Colgate stopped when the low whine became incredibly shrill. “Well. Crap. That happened a lot faster than I thought it would.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, we’re going to die.” She said it very matter of-factly. “Unless you know a highly insulated blast shield we could get behind in less than three seconds.”
Dash suddenly had a flash of inspiration. “I do!” she grabbed Colgate again and flew directly into the muffin’s mouth. The resulting explosion caused the muffin to collapse around them, and press Colgate’s body against Dash’s. The Pegasus was suddenly incredibly glad that she wasn’t a stallion. “Colgate? Are you okay?”
“I’m fine.” She muttered. “I think I’m okay, I don’t feel anything bro-” she winced. “Wait, nope. Feeling’s coming back, broken rib.”
“So, did you have fun at least?” Dash offered.
Colgate did her best to look Dash in the eye questioningly. “First, Sugarcube Corner is closed, and it looks like a school dance for some reason, then we have to stop a giant cupcake-”
“Muffin.”
she rolled her eyes. “Muffin monster, and now we’re trapped under several tonnes of sponge cake.” she sighed. “Actually, yeah. This was a lot of fun. Maybe we should do this again sometime?”
“I’d love to, Colgate.” Dash smiled. “Actually… wait, no. I can’t. I’m dying tonight.”
“Wait, what!?”
“Yeah, turns out the teleporting amulet gave us all horrible tumours or something? Last I checked I had like 2 hours left.” Dash said with her best upbeat look as Colgate just looked at her in dead silence.
“Good news!” Yelled Derpy as she seemed to explode into the small cavity. “I have been eaten by a muffin! This is awesome!” She made a small squee noise between mouthfuls of monster muffin. “Better news! We’re not going to die! Twilight says we’re going to live forever!”
Dash leaned her head back. “Well, that’s a relief. Derpy, would you mind eating us an escape tunnel?”
The wall-eyed mare saluted. “Can do! Might take a while, so get comfortable!”
“I think I’m pretty comfortable already.” Dash said as she held Colgate tightly.
“Same here.” The Unicorn added.
Somewhere outside the blast zone, Rarity’s eye twitched. She had no idea why.
Author's Note
I am so very sorry.
