Twilight Sparkle Cuts Her Hair

by Between Lines

Rating: everyone
Tags: Slice of Life, Comedy
Length: 1468

When her only trusted stylist becomes unavailable, Twilight Sparkle turns to the only pony with the accuracy and precision to stay true to her vision: herself. May Celestia have mercy on her soul.

When her only trusted stylist becomes unavailable, Twilight Sparkle turns to the only pony with the accuracy and precision to stay true to her vision: herself.

May Celestia have mercy on her soul.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2014-06-27 04:10:02 UTC

AKA: Twilight Sparkle Fixes Nothing

“Darling, I really must protest.” Rarity glanced nervously at the scissors in Twilight’s grip, almost as though she intended to cut off her head instead of her mane. “I’m certain that another stylist would do just fine!”

“No, Rarity.” Twilight shook her head, immediately sighing and starting to re-straighten her hair. “There are only two ponies who know exactly how I have my mane done, and those are Crew Cut and myself. Any other stylist would get it wrong.”

“Really, Twilight, as certain as I am that Crew Cut’s work is the pinnacle of exactitude,” Rarity said, struggling not to choke on the sheer volume of sarcasm, “I’m certain another stylist could match the cut with ease.” She paused to scoff. “It’s not as though it’s the pinnacle of technique.”

“I know you don’t care for the simplicity of the cut, but I find it aesthetically pleasing. It’s the perfect balance of feminine elegance and utilitarian precision. Honestly I don’t know how Fluttershy gets by with that cascade down her face.” Twilight pulled out a ruler, starting to measure the individual hair lengths and mark them down on a handy clipboard. “I personally like to know where I’m going whenever I turn right.”

“I admit, I have wondered about that myself, still, there are many--allow me to stress that: many-- hairstyles that would suit you just fine. Why, I could easily see you in a nice bob-cut.” Twilight shot her a strange look, and she coughed. “Yes, perhaps that might be a bit butch, but you have that certain...youthful charm to pull it off!”

“Rarity, no.” Twilight sighed, finally leveling the scissors for the first cut. “I’ve gone through several hair stylist’s manuals as well as statistical studies on the effects and risks of mane length. A straight sharp cut is the pinnacle of hair styling,” she glanced at Rarity and flinched at the questioning accusation in her eyes, “in so far as my own needs and looks, of course.”

“Hmph, yes, quite,” Rarity said, somewhat ameliorated. “Still, cutting your own hair. Darling, please, I am a seamstress. A dress maker. An artist who lives or dies by the measure of her precision, and even I would not trust myself to cut my own mane. I know it is usually yourself or Applejack serving as the voice of reason, but trust me in this, if anything: you are playing with fire Twilight, a fire that has burned everypony before.”

“Nonsense!” Twilight pulled up a carpenter’s level, holding it to the scissors to ensure they were perfectly aligned. “It’s all simple math. I’ve successfully created potions that required accuracy down to 0.0001 milligrams. It’s simply a matter of measurement, then careful application. Just watch.”

Snip.

“Darling!” Rarity immediately hid behind her own hooves, only slowly emerging as the silence stretched on. As she beheld the newly trimmed visage of Twilight Sparkle, her dismay began to fade. “Oh, well, that cut wasn’t so bad. I rather thought it would have been more uneven. Perhaps I was wrong.”

“Hmmmm.” Twilight narrowed her eyes. “Ponyfeathers.”

“I’m sorry?” Rarity said. “Come again?”

“I did it wrong. Ponyfeathers, I can tell it’s at a slight slant.” She glared once at her carpenter’s level, then pinched it off to the side. “Rarity, could you please go downstairs and fetch my magical laser level? It has more precision.”

“Darling, are you sure? I must admit, I can’t see any slant from where I’m standing.” She tilted her head side to side, looking for said slant through squinted eyes.

“I’m certain, I can see it right in front of me.” She sighed, clearly struggling to hold her head stock still. “Please? I would go myself but I’m afraid I’d upset the order of the hairs, and then who knows where we’d be?”

“Twilight,” Rarity began, “why are we moving out to the lake?”

“Because,” Twilight replied, her mane now looking decidedly crooked, “I hadn’t considered that the level might be straight and the mirror crooked. Stupid magical construction processes. I ought to have that entire house gone over by an inspector. I don’t even know if it meets the fire code!”

“You do realize that both your houses were...trees, yes?” Rarity glanced awkwardly back at said giant crystal tree.

“Yes, but that’s no excuse for them to not meet fire code,” Twilight said. “I mean, the only reason spike survived Tirek’s attack is because the basement shelter had a second exit!”

“Well, I would think his being a dragon would have had a place in matters,” Rarity said, throwing a dry glance Twilight’s way.

“Yes, well, a contributing factor. Still, fire codes are important, especially when I’m princess! If I go flouting the rules, then everypony will start doing it! Foals will grow up ignoring bedtimes and nutrition and proper oral hygiene! Gingivitis and insomnia will run rampant, and hundreds will die of scurvy because they’re never awake during market hours to buy fruit!” She paused to take a breath. “Anyway, this is exactly why my hair is so important. If I can’t present a clean, reliable appearance to the populace, it’ll undermine their faith in the crown. I mean, how can they expect me to restructure the tax system if I can’t cut my own hair!” With that, Twilight let out one of her trademark nervous giggles.

“Somehow I think they’ll manage.” Rarity sighed and gently set down the scissors and other measuring tools by the lakeside. “Though, you still haven’t explained how a lake would serve better than, say, a new mirror.”

“Simple! Any mirror I purchase can be expected to have production faults. I would have to cast my own--which I plan to do by the way--to make sure it met my standards. For now, however, gravity will guarantee that the lake will be perfectly flat, provided I magically block the wind.” Her horn flashed, and suddenly a massive purple dome covered the entire lake.

“I...suppose that makes sense.” Rarity sighed. “Perhaps this time things will go closer to plan.”

“Twilight,” Rarity began.

“No. I made this mess, I can fix it. I have to fix it.” The nervous giggling returned with a vengeance. At least her hair looked fit to match the part. “What would Celestia think?!”

“I think she’d say you should have quit while you were ahead.” Rarity shook her head, gently patting her flawless curls to comfort them. The sight of Twilight’s hacked up hair could have put even Applejack’s mane in fits. “Please, Twilight, this is going too far.”

“No, no, it’s not too far so long as there’s a quick, easy, magical solution!” A pony strolled into eye-shot, forcing Twilight to dodge into cover until he passed. “We just need to make it back to the library, and everything will be fine.”

“Dare I ask what qualifies as fine?” Rarity said.

“I can use a quick growth spell to grow out my mane, then I’ll start over from square one!” She grinned, quite a few inches too widely. “Best of all, if it goes wrong again, I can just do it over, and over, and over! There’s no downside!”

“Why does that statement fill me with more fear than comfort?”

“Well,” Rarity quipped, edging away from what had become a mountain of purple hair clippings, “What have we learned today?”

“We’ve learned that growing out your hair enough can turn it prematurely gray.” Twilight scowled from atop her ‘throne,’ looking as though her hair had aged eighty years. “I’m not going to be able to fix this without an age spell.”

“Well, perhaps a stylist might have some idea what to do?” Smiling sweetly, Rarity flipped her own immaculate mane.

“Alright. Fine. Just nothing too…different.”

Twilight stared blankly at the elaborate coiffure her hair had become. “I deserve this.”

"Of course you do!" Rarity crooned, fawning over the distressingly unscientific mess atop her head. "For once you look like a proper princess!"

"That's what troubles me. I mean, what if I'm trying to save the realm, and a curl gets in my eyes? They're springy and unpredictable! What's their maximum extended length at any given moment? I don't know! How can I protect Equestria if I don't know?" By the end, her breath was coming in quick gasps, though her hair had somehow managed to avoid its usual fraying.

"Twilight, relax, everything is going to be fine." She giggled daintily. "You worry so much, just relish the sensation of looking fabulous. Oh, we should make a day of it!"

"I guess. Maybe you're right." She took a deep breath, and put on her best smile. "Let's go make a day of it."

"That's the spirit." Smiling brightly, Rarity took her fabulous friend out for a night on the town.