“But Shining, why?” Little Twilight whimpered. I could see the tears pooling in her eyes pleading with me, begging me to tell her it was all a joke, or that she misheard, anything but that what I had just said was the truth. It was early in the morning, I had a long night and I couldn't get a wink of sleep. I just kept thinking about this moment, about telling her. I must have run it a hundred times in my mind the night before, tap dancing my way around the “why” and just telling her what she needed to know. It wouldn't be fair to her or Mom to tell her the truth.
“I'm sorry Twily, I know it's sudden but-”
“No! This isn't fair! You promised you would have a tea party with me and teach me a new spell. What about my graduation? You won't miss that, you said you wouldn't miss it for the world!” She stomped her tiny hoof against the floor. My little sisters teeth were clenched and tears were beginning to soak into her fur, staining it a darker purple. In a blur she spun around to face our mother who watched solemnly as her family was being torn apart. “Mommy! Tell Shining he can't leave! You said it's important to keep promises and Shining promised to stay and play with me! He promised he would be there for my graduation! You can't let him break his promise!”
“T-Twily, listen...” I began before trailing off, I could feel my eyes moistening as I fought back the urge to cry. Keep it together Shining, you can't let her see you cry. What could I say though? What could I tell my little sister, she's just a filly, she can't understand.
“No! You're a liar! You promise breaker! If you leave I'll hate you!” She screamed at me at the top of her lungs. My precious little sister that I loved more than anything, screamed at me with so much rage and hate. My heart almost broke right then and there.
“I- I don't have a choice...” What a pathetic excuse. Why? Why did it have to be this way? It's one thing to punish me and make me suffer, but it's another thing all together to make Twily suffer. Was it really so wrong what I did?
“Liar! You're big! No one can make you do anything! You even stopped those bullies from picking on me!”
“I'm sorry. I'm not as big as you think I am, I'm not strong.” My voice trembled as I fought through my urge to cry. I wanted to hold my little sis tight and never let go. In the end, I did the only thing I deserved, I hung my head in shame. I deserved to be yelled at, to be scorned by her. If anyone had a right to punish me, it was the little sister I failed. What pathetic excuse for a stallion am I if I'm too weak to live up to my little sister's expectations? To not even try!
“No...” Her anger dissolved as her lip quivered. Her expression hit me like a wrecking ball, she was devastated. Tears streamed effortlessly down her face. Her whole body was shaking as she began to stagger back towards our mother.
“Twilight I'm sorry!”
“I hate you! I hate you Shining! You're not my big brother anymore! I hope you never come back!” With that last scream she turned away from me. I couldn't be sure, my eyes were too clouded, but it looked like she lingered for just a moment. Was there something I could have said in that split second? Was there something she was waiting for me to say? She probably wanted me to tell her I wouldn't go if it meant losing her as my sister. If only it were that simple, if only I had a choice. Before I could even decide what to say, she ran off as fast as she could. She ran right past our mother, tear drops fell from her face, splashing on the floor behind her. I could feel the heavy pain in my chest, I wanted to cry so bad, I wanted to break down and weep right there in the middle of the living room with my mother watching. I had broken my little sister's heart, I had broken my promise. I failed Twilight, myself and her, because I wasn't strong enough or brave enough. I wasn't enough.
“Honey...” My mom cantered over to me, her eyes held deep compassion and sympathy... or at least that's how she wanted it to be. To me, all I saw was another pony I love, disappointed in me. What were my mother's eyes saying? What was she thinking about me? “You're a failure. What will you're father say? Once you're gone we won't have these problems. You're tearing our family apart.” Is that what she wanted to say? I was such an idiot! I could have done more, I could have talked to Twilight differently, was there another angle? Were there better words I could have used? Did I not seem sincere enough? What was wrong with me? My mom raised her hoof and stroked my neck and shoulder as she used to do when I was small. Rage suddenly flared in my chest. I don't know why, but I snapped.
“Leave me alone!” I smacked away her hoof as I shouted at my own mother. Is that what I seemed like to her? A helpless child? It's not like I wasn't acting like a child. I screamed at my mom just like I did when I was a young colt and she wouldn't let me play with my friends. Damn it, I am acting like a foal. I'm just a pathetic kid!
“I don't need you patronizing me!” I screamed at her... I yelled at my mom, the only one who gave me any support. It may seemed childish to me to rely on your mom for support, but only a coward lashes out at a mother's comfort. I hate this! I hate everything! I never asked for this and I never did anything to deserve it!
My jaw was ached from clenching and my eyes were sore and tired, I didn't know how much longer I could stay strong and not cry. I couldn't even bring myself to look at my mom, I was so ashamed, so I ran. I ran from her just like my little sister. That was it, I was acting just like a filly. I rushed past my mom, running through the same threshold after my sister. She had run up the stairs to her room. It was right across the hall from mine... That's were I was going. It was pathetic, I was going to abandon my mom and my little sister, so I could hide in my room, where nopony would see me cry. I charged up the stairs, my hooves pounding against the hard wood. If I didn't know the house so well I likely would have stumbled. I had to shut my eyes as I ran, it was the only way I could keep from crying.
I finally felt the floor flatten. I was in the hallway where my bedroom, my sanctuary, was only a frantic gallop away. Just run, right past her door, don't stop. Don't let her see you like this. Don't-
“And you call yourself a stallion.” A deep and authoritative voice spat. My eyes shot open, fear and anger swirled agonizingly within me. I knew before I turned to face him, before his visage came into my foggy peripheral vision. I could see him in my mind. A dark, royal blue stallion with a stark face and eyes that could never show pride in others, much less love for others... or maybe, it was just me.
“What do you want dad? What more can you do to me?” I wanted to come across as stern and hard as him, but my voice was frail and exhausted. I knew the moment I heard my voice I had displeased my father once again, and once more, I felt I had failed. He slowly shook is head in disapproval, it was nothing new, being the first born son, I could never live up to his expectations. I'm not good enough. I'll never be good enough. There's something wrong with me that makes me less than what he want's me to be. Where did I go wrong? What's my problem?
“You know you brought this on your mother and sister. Too many times, too many times have you gone and humiliated me, Princess Cadance was the last straw. If you had heeded my warning and stayed away from the Princess, you would not have brought such disgrace to my name.”
“It's my name too...” I huffed under my breath, staring at the floor. I couldn't do it, I couldn't look him in the eyes. When was the last time I had done so? I rarely look at his eyes with more than a fleeting glance. I can't stand the look in them, I'm useless and a failure to him. My father, the decorated war veteran who comes from a long, prestigious line of military stallions, what does a loser like me look like to a stallion like that? I don't want to know.
“What was that boy?!” He growled as he took a step closer, putting his face to mine, looming over me like an inescapable shadow. I was enraged! How dare he look down on me and belittle me after what he's done, after he threatened my little sister! I could feel his breath on my forehead, he was forcing me to lower my head as his horn pressed against my skull. I could feel his eyes burning into me I wanted it to stop! My breathing became shallow and rapid, I could hear my heart pounding. I needed to do something to him, I needed to make him stop and I needed to vent my pain and anger.
“Well!?” He pushed harder against me until I was practically bowing at his feet. Picturing how I must have looked sickened me. I gritted my teeth and readied myself for the only thing I felt I could do.
“Nothing sir... I didn't say a thing.”
“That's what I thought.” He lifted his head off mine. “You aren't a stallion, you're just a colt and it's time to break you of that. That's why you're going away, who knows, maybe you'll come back with some balls, but I doubt you'll come back at all. Just remember, if you do anything to embarrass or tarnish my good name, your sister will have a nice long stay with Grandmother, or perhaps I'll simply send her off to boarding School, I know how much she's been fighting your mother on that. Unlike you, my daughter actually shows some promise, I don't want you around dragging her down. Do you understand?”
“Yes sir...”
“Collect your things, I'll see you off to the station in half an hour after I read my paper.” With those parting words he did an about face before slowly trotting down the stairs to the kitchen where he would always sip his coffee and read his paper. Shamefully, I only had one thought cross my mind as my father left my sight; Can I cry yet?
Weakly, I made my way down the hall, the wall being my only support. I wished to just sleep right there on the hard floor, and pray to Celestia that when I woke up, all of this would have been a dream. Damn it! It's all his fault! Why does he have to be my dad? Why does Mom stay with him? Why wouldn't she? It's only me he has a problem with, his embarrassment of a son. If he hates me so much he never should have let me be born! I hate this! Holding Twilight over my head like that, I can't do a thing for her and he's using that against me. What's wrong with me?! Loathing and self-pity, that was all I could feel, that and hot feeling of tears rolling down my cheeks. Damn it, I couldn't even make it to my room!
There, in the middle of the hall I stopped just steps away from my door. I wanted nothing more than to hide and sleep, to forget all of this and just, put off reality, if only for a few more hours. I wanted that more than anything, but something stopped me. My ear twitched, homing in on the source of the sound. Before I even knew the faint sound I was hearing was real, I knew what it was, and I knew what it meant. A gentle sob whispered through the narrow spaced in the door opposite of mine. The door was painted a warm and soothing lavender, a sight that made his every morning just a little warmer and a little more bearable just from knowing it was right beside his. It was the room of my little sister, the pony who mattered most to me, and she was crying.
“Twily...” My heart nearly broke as I heard muffled sob after muffled sob. She was crying, and she was crying because of me. Drying my tears I tried my best to compose myself, I was weak and tired and a complete mess, but she didn't need to know that, that's not her burden to bear. My legs were shaking as I got to her ever so slightly ajar door. 'What do I say to her? What makes me think there's anything I can say? Why should she miss me so much? She's a smart and energetic filly with so much to say and do, she won't have any trouble making friends, she doesn't need a big brother like me, leaving is really the only thing I can do for her now.
“What am I doing?” I questioned under my breath. Before I could lose my nerve I slowly pushed her door open. Her room was spacious for such a little filly. A small disheveled bed with colorful pink and purple blankets lay low to the floor against the wall on the far right of her room. Toys lay strewn about on the soft carpeted flooring. A large arched window let the sun shine in, bathing the room in it's natural light. Right below the window was a petite desk with toys and pens and brushes. A little figure sat hunched over, her hooves folded underneath her head as she cried into her forelegs. Her tiny body convulsed with each labored, sobbing breath.
“Oh Twilight...”
“What do you want?” The spite and malice in her voice cut deep, making the guilt I felt all the more painful.
“I- I just want to talk to you... before I go.” Was that a selfish thing to say? It's always about me, even when it should have been about her. How else could I have made her understand? I should go... I should just leave, there's nothing I can do anyway.
“Why do you have to go!?” She spun around, facing me. Her eyes were red and swollen from all the tears that she shed, all because of me. “If you leave who's going to make the bullies leave me alone? Who's going to play with me? Who's going to scare away the monsters under my bed every night? You know dad doesn't think they're real! What if that get me? Why would you want to leave me all alone Shining? I didn't do anything bad and- and you... you...” My little sister began to break down, she couldn't even talk through her sore and tired throat but still the cries kept coming.
“Twily.” Without a thought, without me even knowing it, my legs moved on their own. I ran to her side and wrapped my hooves around her and pulled her in close. My weak and cynical mind expected her to fight me, to hit me and yell and try to pull away from the big brother that caused her so much pain, I was exactly wrong. She threw her hooves around me as tight as she could and buried her face in my chest, I could feel her hot tears soaking into my fur. She held me like she would never let me go, my little sister, was crying for me. I didn't care anymore, I didn't, I couldn't! I held her close, and just like a little filly, I cried, I cried harder than I can remember. My flowed as though a damn had burst, I didn't even think of trying to hold them back as I latched on to the only other thing in the only other thing in the world that seemed at all real, and cried like foal. We just sat there together for I don't know how long, it was right then that it hit, this is what what I'm losing. My little sister who I loved more than anything. I- I may never see her again...
“Please Shining... don't leave me. I'll be good, I won't argue with Mom anymore and I'll do what daddy tells me and I won't bother you anymore I promise... Please, just don't go away.”
“Oh Twily, no, no...” I spoke gently as my cries tapered off, I could hear the heartbreak in my voice. None of this is her fault, she doesn't deserve to feel guilty, only me, for making her this way. “This isn't your fault. You didn't do anything wrong. You're so smart and kind, your always there to support me and make me smile... you're a good girl Twilight, don't ever think differently.”
“Then why...”
“It- it's... It's because... I'm just not good enough.” It hurt, admitting that to her. She looked up to me like I was some kind of hero. 'What a joke! I'm no hero, I'm a failure. A hero protects, a hero stands up for what they think... I'm no hero, I'm a coward.'
“No! You're the goodest pony ever! You're big, and strong, and nice! That can't be true!”
“Twilight please, there are better ponies for you to look up to... don't ever try to be anything like... like me.” I couldn't do it, I couldn't keep myself from crying again. It hurt so bad, saying those words. I wanted nothing more in the world then for her to look up to me, I wanted to be a role model. She deserves better.
“Don't cry! Please! That's a lie! You're great and I want to be strong when I get big, just like you and Daddy!” She looked up at me, her big eyes glistening, not with sadness, but with empathy and love. She couldn't have know though, what those last words felt like to me. My tears dried up as the words impacted hit me, hit me hard. If I go, will I come back just like him? I'm nothing like him right? Oh Celestia, why!? I don't want to be anything like him! I don't even want to share the same name as him!
“Shining? Are you okay?”
“Y-yes Twilight, I'm alright...” I lied. Did she need to know? I did the right thing right? I didn't need to put that on her, it would only cause problems for her and Mom if she blamed our father for my going away. I made a choice, right then, that she mattered more to me than my anger, and so did my mom. After a moment to collect myself, I took a deep breath, and stood.
“Listen... I have to go away, and it's nothing you did wrong okay, it has nothing to do with you so don't feel like it's your fault. I'm going away... I'm going away because... I- I want to. It's something I want to do and Daddy is very proud of me for going and he really wants this for me. Be proud for your big brother okay.” Did she believe me? Was I convincing? Will she ever understand why I lied to her? There was only one thing I agreed with my father on, Twilight was special. Her eyes became deep and pondering. I'll never know what she was thinking or if she even knew how she looked to me, but her eyes seemed well beyond her years. Though her eyes still glimmered, her tears and ceased.
“Why do you want to go away for so long?”
“B-because it's what's best for me.” My voice strained as I spoke, those words made me want to vomit. “Listen Twily, I know it seems like a long time, but it's not like you'll lose my completely, I promise I'll write you a letter every single week and tell you everything I can.”
“That's not good enough! You'll be gone! I don't want you to go! Please stay Shining, I'll do anything!” Tears started pooling in her eyes. I'm so ashamed, I- I couldn't even face my little sister's eyes, I just couldn't! I hung my head and closed my eyes, the last thing I saw was her tiny hooves and the soft carpet. That disgrace I felt, not being able to even bear an earnest look from Twilight, I felt for myself what my father must have felt for me.
“I- I'm sorry Twilight, this isn't a choice.” I opened my eyes to find that I could hardly see and that the carpet was being soaked as drops fell from my stinging eyes. What's wrong with me?! I- I can't do this! Without giving another thought, I shut my eyes tight, squeezing the tears from them, and spun around, I couldn't even glance at her. Without missing a beat I ran away as fast as I could, bolting from her room, leaving my confused and worried little sister all alone... all alone.
"Shining! Wait! Please come back!" I had to tune out her voice, I couldn't deal with it, I couldn't handle the guilt.
My horn lit up, grasping her door knob in my magic I slammed it behind me, praying it would drown out the sound of her crying. In the next instant I flung my door open and retreated into my room. My room, the only place I could feel safe... It was by no means a place where my expression shined through, the walls were bare and painted beige, the floor was wooden, like much of the house. All I had was a bed, made tight and perfect, you could bounce a bit through the ceiling on it, just the way my dad wanted it. The only blemish in the entire room was a single suitcase that lay at the bed's base. Padding up to it, I collapsed on the floor, my body was weak and I wanted nothing more that to sleep this all away. I couldn't though, soon, my father would bang at that door, and I would have to face the reality... Today, I leave my home, the first mare I've ever had feeling for, and worst of all... I leave my little sister, Twily. I leave them all, to start basic training for the Royal Guard.
