The One Where You're a Massive Idiot
You are Karkat Vantas, the shouty troll with horns so nubby they might as well be hot dogs and the shirt with the zodiac sign cancer. You love terrible romance/romcom movies and you dabble in programming computer viruses (poorly). You wield sickles as a weapon though to be frank you look like a fool when you practice.
...
What?
I DO NOT LOOK LIKE A FOOL.
You kind of do. Also, who’s the one doing the storytelling here? Oh yeah, it’s me. So shut up, stop fourth wall breaking, and do what I say, got it?
NO.
Come on Karkat! Work with me here. I’m the auth...wait a minute, you’re not real; why am I writing you in? I’m just wasting time writing you breaking the fourth wall. So, let me continue the story.
Today is a very special day for you. Today is the day you’re going to play a game called SGrub with your, to put it simply, “friends.” Actually, you’re already playing! Terezi connected to you as your server player about three hours ago, you successfully teleported to the Land of Pulse and Haze, and almost everyone is in the game. You just have to connect with Sollux and your session is ready! You start to run the game and...
Great. The crazy cat one is trolling you. You reluctantly answer her on Trollian.
“WHAT DO YOU WANT NEPETA?” you yell at her.
“AC giggles and says ‘I found a video you might like.’” UGH, SHE’S DOING THE ROLE-PLAYING THING AGAIN you think to yourself. THEN AGAIN, WHEN IS SHE NOT DOING THE ROLE-PLAYING THING?
“WHAT IS IT?”
“AC says ‘It’s a Thresh Prince of Bel Air deleted episode!’”
“IT IS? UH, SEND IT TO ME AND I’LL BOOKMARK IT FOR LATER.”
Nepeta sends you the link. You’d love to watch it now, but you have more important things to do. You click the link.
“THIS ISN’T THRESH PRINCE!” you say outloud. “THIS ISN’T EVEN ON GRUBTUBE! WHAT’S ‘BIT.LY/MLP:FINAEOVERLOAD’ SUPPOSED TO MEAN?”
“...And why did the screen go white?” You stop shouting pointlessly for a minute and realize what she sent you is a virus and not a deleted episode. In retrospect, if it were deleted it'd be impossible to find since it was never shown to the public eye. Great job, fanboy.
Suddenly, a timer shows up on screen, reading 0:15:00. You panic, not knowing what to do. You decide to alchemize another computer, since the one you currently have obviously won’t work anymore.
You run to your cruxtruder and pick up four gray cruxite dowels. You go to your totem lathe and put the punched card you made earlier for a keyboard in. The dowel spins and you watch as it is carved into a totem. You take it out of the machine and put the card for a monitor it. Then you put a card in for a mouse. Lastly, you put the card for a computer tower in. Once the tower finishes you pick up the four totems and start to run to the alchemiter. You stop about halfway there, drop all the totems, and facepalm 2x combo; you could’ve spent less time making totems and just made the monitor and computer, then unplug the mouse and keyboard from your old one.
You decide to make something else that’s more portable and clever than a computer so you don’t make yourself a complete failure. You run back to the cruxtruder and make one cruxite dowel. You go to the totem lathe and put the dowel in the machine. You take the four punched cards and layer them in the the order tower, monitor, keyboard, and mouse with the tower at the bottom. Somehow, there are some holes that weren’t covered up. You shrug and stick the pile in the card slot. The totem lathe does its ~~magic~~ science and you take the totem to the alchemiter. After grinding imps for grist, you alchemize what you hope to be a husktop.
Congratulations! You successfully make a husktop. You take it and captchalogue it in the new Puzzle Fetch Modus that you got from Sollux (and god does it make things easier).
You run back outside to where you had left your old computer. You check the time on the countdown. 0:04:12. You feel like you were late for a comically timed joke, but you decide not to question it. You wait in in front of the timer in both fear and curiosity. You watch it tick.
You feel the captchalogued laptop buzz, meaning you got a message. It’s probably Terezi wondering why you’re sitting in front of your monitor and staring at it like an idiot, but you don’t really care.
You feel the ground shake as a heavy object drops from the sky. Terezi moved the load gaper next to you again to try and get your attention. You sigh and keep staring at the monitor as it turns to 0:01:41.
You’re starting to think that it’s a bad idea to sit here and watch the timer since it’s probably going to do something really bad. Past you was being really dumb sitting next to it, so you move back into your hive and open your husktop.
At least, you were planning to, if it weren’t for the fact that the timer was on 24 seconds when you decided to leave.
The clock reaches zero while you walk away. You hear excessively loud noises behind you and you start to run. You feel rumbling under your feet and break out into a sprint. You get caught on your other foot and you struggle to get up. You get on your feet and start moving.
But alas, you were not quick enough and you get sucked into the whirling vortex that you didn’t know was there. You scream as you undergo your sad and untimely demise.
PSYCHE!
“I say we welcome him to town once he wakes up!”
“Whatever ‘he’ is (if he even is a he), he looks rather, shall I say, 'icky,'”
“I think he’s one of ‘em human things Twilight keeps talkin’ ‘bout.”
“I’ve never seen a human before, but I’m fairly certain he’s not one.”
“I say we beat ‘him’ up and force ‘him’ to tell us what he’s doing here.”
“Don’t do that! I’ve never seen a creature like him before! He might be lost or endangered!”
You slowly wake up. Your body’s sore, you can barely breathe, and your sight is hazy. You feel grass underneath you. Your vision clears.
“Welcome to Ponyville!” A pink hoofbeast jumps up and onto your stomach, squeezing all air out of your body.
“AAAAAH!” you scream. You jerk your body in an attempt to get what is most likely a her off of you. She(?) giggles and hops off. You lift the upper half of your body and prop yourself up on with your hands. You look at the six mutant hoofbeasts in front of you. “WHAT ARE-”
The yellow one with wings gasps. “You can talk‽” The maybe he/she runs up next to you. “Oh, my, goodness! This is great! Tell me: What are you, what’s your name, gender, age, and where do you come from?” The winged hoofbeast squeals in excitement. A purple horned one comes over and puts her hoof on the yellow one as if to calm her down. You sit there, dumbfounded by what’s happening. Purple speaks up.
“Allow me to introduce myself, I am Princess Twilight Sparkle, the Element of Magic in the Elements of Harmony. You are...?”
“I...I...I’m-”
“Nice to meet you Iyiyime!”
“WHAT? NO, THAT’S NOT MY NAME. IT’S KARKAT. KARKAT VANTAS.”
“Okay, no need to shout! Geez...” The blue flying one mutters.
“Oh, sorry Karkat, you were stuttering so much I that was your name!” OH REALLY? you think. “Now, as Pinkie Pie said, you’re in Ponyville now. I don’t know how you came here or why you’re here, but I think that you’d be a great subject for my study of friendship, since you’re obviously not from here and you don’t know anyone, just like me when I first came!”
“PONYVILLE? SUBJECT? FRIENDSHIP!” Your eyes widen; this talking hoofbeast is crazy.
“Exactly! Now follow me, we’ve got some work to do.” She helps you up and she and the others leads you off. You're too weak to protest their grabby hooves so you end up on the back of the freaky pink one.
"To Twilight's house!" your forced steed exclaims. You hope you don't through up from all of her bouncing.
You have a feeling this is going to be a long belunar perigee.
Author's Note
Yay (now edited) first chapter! Just for clarification (I may or may not do this to all of the chapters) here's a handy-dandy list of vocabulary for you (things like LOHAC aren't on her because they're kinda explained in the story):
SGrub: Troll version of Sburb, basically an RPG but in real life with real life consequences. The goal is to become gods of the universe you make through the game.
Thresh Prince of Bel Air: Troll version of "Fresh Prince of Bel Air"
Cruxtruder: SGrub machine that dispenses cruxite dowels
Totem Lathe: Turns the dowels into totems, used for copying objects via scanning punched cards and turning it into a "3D bar code"
Punched card: Basically a bar code for items
Alchemiter: Item copy machine, scans totems and creates the thing the totem was made for
Grist: Essentially alchemiter money
Load gaper: Troll toilet
Hoofbeast: Troll horse
Belunar perigee: Closest troll equivalent to a day
