Episode One: Camaraderie is Voodoo (Part One)
Long, long ago, in the magical realm of Equestria, there lived two sisters who absolutely hated each other.
I mean, seriously, not even Hitler against Jews had this kind of hatred. They totally despised each other's guts - their guts, man. Hell, I wouldn't be surprised if they had put each other in a wheelchair then gotten each other Twister for Christmas.
Anyway, these two sister chicks had, like, zero tolerance for each other. Which kind of goes agianst the message this show's supposed to convey, but you know, whatever. They hated each other so much that they fought over the sun and the moon.
This sounds kind of weird, but this is all because they were also kind of goddesses. You see, the elder girl, TrollestiaMolestia Celestia had complete control over the sun. Kind of dangerous - I mean, she could make the sun crash into the earth or whatever. Lots of problems there, lemme tell you.
The other girl, Luna, she had no funny nicknames, because she had had friends back in high school. I mean, friends! All because she could control the moon! She was, like, all goth and emo and shit but I don't really know all the details - it's not like I wanked off to her or anything, hah! Hah!
Ahem...
So these two sisters hated each other so much that, naturally, when their parents went off to live in Spain or whatever the pony equivalent is they completely went bat-shit insane at each other.
Celestia was immediately like "hey Luna look the peasants like me more than you so you gotta come out when they're all banging or wanking or whatever" and Luna was all like "bitch, you can't tell me what to do!" and Celestia was all like "fuck yeah I can I'm the motherfucking princess!" and Luna was all like "dude, we're both princesses" and Celestia was all like "nu-uh, I'm the better princess!" and Luna was all like "you're older than me by like two seconds!" and Celestia was all like "three seconds, bitch, THREE seconds!"
She could speak in CAPITALS. That took some practice.
So anyway in the end Luna got real pissed off. She went up and bitch-slapped that cunt in the face, man, it was insane. Naturally, Celestia got even more pissed off, so she got some gems that were like the shit of virgins or whatever.
Celestia sent Luna to the moon after that - one thousand years or some shit. Don't ask why.
Yeah, so Luna was even more pissed after that, so she became some evil Satan thing. She's still up there now, all pissed and shit, but she totally isn't coming back - not until the stars align or whatever.
So we should be fine.
Twilight Sparkle, obsessively faithful student to Princess Celestia, frowned and tapped her chin with her hoof. She was sitting underneath a tree, that of which was shading her perfectly from the sun her mentor was controlling.
"Hmm," she said to herself. "Such cryptic language... and how funny that Princess Celestia is mentioned in here!"
Thoughts beginning to clump together in her simple mind, the unicorn got to her lavender hooves, levitating the book and slipping it into the saddlebags that rested on her back. She began to gallop towards Canterlot Castle - her home and haven for introverts everywhere.
As she ran, formulating the plan to check up on this occurence, she dashed past three Generic Background Ponies.
"Hey, Twilight!" yelled one. "We're here to get in your way!"
"I'm sleeping with your brother!" exclaimed another, delighted.
"The gods shall strike you down where you stand, filthy blasphemer!" enthused the final, grinning.
Twilight wisely kept her mouth shut. Dealing with GBPs took a lot of mental strength, and if that failed, a good hiding place and fast sprinting.
Dashing up the path, through the castle halls and into her ivory tower, Twilight was faced with walls lined with bookshelves and a huge wooden horse head in the middle of the room. She didn't know what the purpose was, she didn't know who had put it there, it was just... the horse head.
Leaning against this head, rocking a sick pair of shades, weighed down heavily with bling, wearing a black leather jacket (yes, genuine leather) and smoking a cigar, was Spike.
"Sup," he said.
"Hello, Spike!" said Twilight cheerily. "If it's not too much trouble, could you please find me Legends and Myths of Equestria: A Guide?"
Spike sighed and held out his claws. In them laid a red-covered tome, entitled How To Be a Badass In Ten Easy Steps.
Twilight blinked at it. "Erm... good job...?"
Spike merely nodded in reply, smoke puffing out of the end of his cigar.
Not one to disappoint a friend, Twilight enveloped the book in magic and flipped open the cover. To her surprise, there was another cover inside the first, with the worn title of Leg d My h f Eque tr a: A ui e emblazoned upon it.
"Oh!" said Twilight, realisation dawning. "I see! Sorry for doubting you, Spike."
Spike nodded again.
Twilight flipped through the book, looking for the name of her beloved teacher, when suddenly she came across the entry for the Chick Up There. Frowning, Twilight settled on the page and began to read.
The Chick Up There is the sister of Princess TrollestiaMolestia Celestia, who was banished by such to the moon for a thousand years. Bit of overkill, I know, but she'll come back when the stars align or something.
"Intriguing," murmured Twilight. "I wonder what'd happen if she came back?"
"Celestia'd get a total plot-bucking, that's what," came Spike's voice from the horse head. It was deep and gravelly.
Resolving to ignore her assistant's choice of words, Twilight instead shut the book with a snap. "You're right, Spike! We must send a letter to her right away! The Annual Star Aligning Festival is tonight!"
Spike sighed and brought out a jet-black pen. It was on fire. Black fire.
Twilight tuned away and cleared her throat. "Dear Princess Celestia, my most beloved and respected tutor..."
Behind her, Spike wrote in the air with his pen. The fiery black ink left fiery black letters hanging there like coats from a wardrobe.
"...it has come to my attention that your possible sister may possibly return..."
The letters carved themselves into existence like sabres cutting into enemy faces.
"...during the Annual Star Aligning Festival tonight..."
The acrid smell of smoke that the letters left permeated the very soul.
"...as has been noted in the book Legends and Myths of Equestria: A Guide..."
Spike's shades flashed blackly - not even the universe was sure how.
"...and as such I am happily volunteering to supervise the organising of said festival..."
The pen's fire licked itself around Spike's wrist like a lover's caress.
"...I will, of course, be paying all expenses..."
The flicks at the ends of the Gs were like knives to the stomach.
"...Your faithful student, Twilight Sparkle."
The letter was finished with a final flick of Spike's wrist. He breathed scarlet fire over the words, which coalesced into an evil-looking black dragon that unfurled its wings and flew through the wall.
Twilight turned as Spike stowed the pen into an unspecified place in the universe.
"Spike?" she said. "Did you... get all that?"
The dragon nodded mutely.
He then raised his razor-like claws and snapped them. In a flash of black fire, a scroll appeared in front of him. He didn't bother to clear his throat, resolving instead to read the letter in a voice that belonged on ~~Batman~~ Batmare.
"To my most faithful and beloved student," he read. "I am, of course, completely pissed off at you. Goddammit, I am your princess - I expect more respect than that, being more concerned about my hellspawn sister than me. Because of your wanton cruelty to my fragile emotional state, I will agree to you being sent off to that shitty backwater town to live there forever and ever, and I expect you to make some goddamn friends while you're at it. Your benevolent ruler, Princess Fucking Celestia."
There was a pause.
"Oh dear," said Twilight. "Well, at least she accepted my request - she's such a considerate ruler!"
Spike wisely descended back into silence.
The two of them were in the air, being pulled along by two handsome royal guards. They were both extremely, undisputably, one-hundred-and-ten-percent gay. Like, totally homosexual. For them, being straight was something that happened to other ponies.
This contributes absolutely nothing to the plot, but the narrator feels it necessary to be mentioned.
"I wonder what kind of ponies we'll meet there!" grinned Twilight cheerily. "I have no doubt that they will be nice, friendly, encouraging, helpful, considerate, welcoming townsfolk!"
Spike lit the end of another cigar with a jet-black lighter. The fire was also black.
"I bet I'll make tons of friends, and go on all these insane adventures, and we'll discover the power of friendship, and I could actually even become a princess if I defeat enough bad guys threatening the good of Equestria, and..."
In front of them, the two gay guards looked at each other. It was hard maintaining relationships as a guard pony when Celestia instructed them all to look exactly the same, but you tried.
You tried.
While Twilight chattered on, the guards slowly began their descent into Ponyville. The popping of Twilight's ears briefly distracted her, but she soon recovered as the wheels of the chariot hit the ground.
"Thank you, good sirs," she said graciously as she got off.
Spike nodded at them.
While the guards took off behind her, Twilight looked around at what was now her new home. It was quaint, and warm, and cheerful, and...
"Oh!" exclaimed Twilight. "That pony looks nice!"
She trotted excitedly over to a violently pink equine, who was just kind of standing there in the middle of the road. One of her ears was pointing to the ground, and one of her back legs kept twitching. Her pupils seemed a bit too small to be called healthy. She smelt like a grandmother.
Twilight cleared her throat. "Hello there - my name is Twilight Sparkle, and I - "
The pony turned and gasped loudly, then turned again and zipped off in a puff of smoke and a fire trail. As she dashed off, Twilight could faintly hear the words, "The angels are comiiiiiiing..."
"Oh dear," said Twilight, weakly.
"Okay! First off - Sweet Apple Acres!"
As Twilight and Spike approached the farm, the overpowering scent of apples reached their noses. Like, seriously overpowering - Twilight felt a bit woozy as the fruity scent pervaded her nostrils. Shaking her head, she continued on her way, while behind her Spike smoked his cigar.
Twilight stopped and looked around happily. "This place looks amazing! So well-kept, so peaceful, so - "
Immediately, a huge cannon explosion wracked the air. Twilight shrieked and fell to her hooves, while above her an orange blur whooped and slammed bodily into an apple tree right in front of the unicorn. There was a few thudding sounds, and a dozen apples fell into barrels set underneath them.
The pony fell solidly on her hooves and saluted.
Twilight struggled to her hooves and blinked, confused. In front of her stood a sturdy, well-built orange earth pony, with white freckles arranged in a triangular method on her cheeks. Her lime-green eyes were narrowed, her mouth set firmly, and on her head was ~~a brown cowpony hat~~ a dark-green combat helmet with the straps undone. Craning her head, Twilight saw that the pony's cutie mark was of three red round apples.
"Reportin' fer duty, ma'am!" barked the pony.
Twilight blinked, then laughed nervously. "Ah hah hah hah hah hah! So... are you Applejack?"
"Yes ma'am! General Applejack reportin' fer duty, ma'am!"
The unicorn nodded semi-seriously and looked around. "So... erm... Applejack. I am here from Canterlot as Ponyville's newest resident, and overseer of the Annual Star Aligning Festival. You're in charge of the food, I hear?"
Applejack snapped off a fresh salute. "Yes, ma'am! Rations are accounted for and divided accordingly, ma'am! All hoarders have been acknowledged and publicly flogged, ma'am! Various deserters have been executed, ma'am! All movies have been rented out for leisure time, ma'am!"
Twilight nodded. "Sounds good! If you wouldn't mind, Applejack, I'd like to sample some of this food."
"Of course ma'am!" Applejack saluted once more.
With that, she reached into the hollow of a nearby tree. As she withdrew her hoof, she revealed a bell on a stick, which she rang at the volume of a dying griffin's screams. Twilight slapped her hooves over her ears and winced while Applejack bellowed, "Get out here, you ungrateful maggots!"
There was the sound of guns firing and cannons going off, then a huge platoon of earth ponies came into view, marching in perfect unison. All of them had helmets on, with faces that suggested bad news for everypony. Leading them were three ponies: a large red stallion with a comically small helmet, a small cream-coloured filly with a comically large helmet, and an old lime-green mare with a helmet pulling herself along in a wheelchair painted in camouflage.
"Lieutenant Apple Fritter. Lieutenant Apple Bumpkin. Lieutenant Red Gala. Captain Red Delicious, Captain Golden Delicious, Captain Caramel Apple, Captain Apple Strudel, Major Apple Tart, Major Baked Apples, Brigadier Apple Brioche, Brigadier Apple Cinnamon Crisp..."
As Applejack rattled off their names, each pony saluted crisply. Applejack saluted as well, sucked in a deep breath, then said, "Lieutenant General Big McIntosh - " as she pointed to the huge red stallion with cream fetlocks and a short-cut orange mane, as well as a yoke around his neck painted in camouflage, who saluted, "Officer Cadet Apple Bloom - " as she indicated the short cream-coloured filly with the red mane and huge camouflage bow and face paint, who saluted, "and Major General Granny Smith," as she inclined her head towards the lime-coloured old mare with the white mane in a bun and the camouflage neckerchief, who saluted.
Behind the old mare, a pony fidgeted. Granny Smith's orange eyes flashed evilly and she bellowed, "Captain Golden Delicious drop down and gimme twenty!"
The well-built stallion yelped and did so with the utmost haste, his tail tucked between his legs.
Twilight chuckled nervously. "Eh heh heh heh heh! Quite an... extensive family you've got here, isn't it, Applejack?"
Applejack saluted. "Bring out the rations, boys!"
Big McIntosh and Red Delicious promptly trotted away, returning seconds later pulling a huge cart filled to the brim with apple treats to feed a town - which was exactly what it was for. Her mouth watering, Twilight went to stuff her mouth with the delectable delicacies, when Apple Bloom leapt into Twilight's way.
"No ma'am!" she instructed firmly. "Sorry ma'am, but this stuff is strictly off-limits till the Festival! Instead, ya'll're welcome t' try some of this."
With that, she drew out a single apple. It was round and red and beautiful, and Twilight took it cheerfully.
"Thank you, little filly," she said graciously as she took a bite. Apple goodness filled her mouth.
A single tear tracked its way down Applejack's freckles. "Beautiful..."
Clearing her throat, Twilight grinned. "Well, it looks like the food situation is all sorted out! I'd love to stay for brunch, but we have so much more to d- "
The stony faces of dozens upon dozens of apple army soldiers faced Twilight Sparkle with all the ferocity of a starved lion. In the distance, against all laws of the current universe, a gun was cocked. Twilight froze, laughed weakly, and said, "Well... I suppose we could stay for a little while..."
"Food's all taken care of!" said Twilight cheerily, resolving to ignore the harsh rumblings of her stuffed abused belly. "Next up is weather!"
Hovering her checklist in front of her, Twilight peered at the entry next to Weather. "Huh... according to this, there's supposed to be a pegasus pony called Rainbow Dash clearing the sky... but this doesn't look clear at all!"
Looking skywards, Twilight raised an eyebrow at the cloudy sky, then shrugged. "Oh well! I'm sure she's busy doing something important and - "
"Procrastinaaaaaaaaatioooooooooon!"
A pony little more than a rainbow-and-blue blur collided into Twilight - from above. Falling flat on her face, Twilight groaned and looked around for Spike, who was smoking against a tree nearby and chatting up a few GBPs while not even talking.
The pony on top of Twilight grinned and propped her head up with a hoof. "Hey."
She had a shock of rainbow hair that was unkempt and messy. Her sky-blue wings were in serious need of preening, her rose-coloured eyes were lidded and lazy-looking, and her cutie mark of a white cloud with a bolt striped with red, yellow and blue did nothing to indicate any source of activity about her person.
"Um," said Twilight, "are you Rainbow Dash?"
"Yup," said the pony, lazily.
"Um," said Twilight, "can you please get off me?"
"Naw," said Rainbow Dash, lazily.
"Um," said Twilight, "I'll just do it myself."
"Kay," said Rainbow Dash, lazily.
With some effort, Twilight pushed Rainbow off of her, who simply rolled over onto her belly and grinned sleepily. Standing up and dusting herself off, Twilight said, "Hello there! I am Twilight Sparkle, newest resident of Ponyville and official overseer of the Annual Star Aligning Festival. You are in charge of the weather, yes?"
"Kinda," said Rainbow, lazily.
Twilight coughed. "I hate to be a bother, but if this is the case, then why is the sky so... cloudy?"
Rainbow yawned, lazily. "Haven't cleared it yet."
Twilight coughed again. "Well... could you please clear it now? The Annual Star Aligning Festival is pretty important, you know..."
The pegasus rolled her eyes. "Let somepony else do it."
Struck by a sudden thought, Twilight looked to the sky. "Hey - if you haven't been clearing the sky, why did you fall out of the sky like that?"
"Fell out of a cloud," drawled Rainbow, lazily.
"Oh."
A few beats of awkward silence followed this statement. "So..." said Twilight weakly, "are you going to clear the clouds soon?"
Rainbow yawned again, lazily, then reluctantly nodded. "A'ight."
Suddenly, Twilight's entire world was a rainbow blur. Winds rushed through her mane and tail, blowing them into impossible geometrical shapes. Wherever she looked, the unicorn saw nothing but the spectrum, ferocious and unyielding and omnipotent. Sun and rain and snow dominated her senses, and as she turned tornadoes and hurricanes fell mercy to the almighty tempest of colour raging before her mere mortal eyes.
Then it was gone, and there was just Rainbow Dash lying in the road and a sky clearer than crystal.
"Done," said Rainbow, lazily.
Shocked, Twilight felt her mane sheepishly. "Well - um - that's - wow - oh my - I - um - huh..."
As Twilight stammered weakly, Rainbow closed her eyes and began to snore.
Lazily, of course.
"Decorations," announced Twilight, looking around with interest at the tasteful interior of Carousel Boutique.
"Beautiful!" she added, as she turned on the spot. "The decor seems to be coming along nicely. This visit shouldn't take too long - what do you think, Spike?"
The dragon, flanked by two promiscuously good-looking mares, said nothing.
As Twilight ventured further into the Boutique, she looked around with interest at the well-dressed mannequins. Turning, she came face to face with a graceful unicorn mare, who was examining various ribbons with a critical eye.
"No, no, no, oh! Hell naw!"
Twilight tapped her on the back and grinned happily. "Good afternoon - !"
"Shut the fuck up, bitch!" screeched the mare, slamming a hoof into Twilight's face. "I am fucking working over here!"
Backing away, alarmed, Twilight coughed and attempted to apologise. "Oh dear, I am most terribly sorry, I didn't realise how important - "
"Shut up," growled the mare huskily, turning on Twilight with a rage-filled expression.
Her coat was a flawless alabaster white, her eyes two circles of deep peacock blue. Her mane and tail, both given the utmost of care, were well-curled and a royal purple. As she turned back around, Twilight caught a glimpse of her cutie mark: three diamonds arranged in a triangle.
"Now... wait just a fucking moment!"
She spun around, wild-eyed, and grabbed Twilight's face with both her hooves.
"What the fuck were you thinking, coming into the boutique of Rari-fucking-ty with that kind of shitty manestyle?" she bellowed, spraying spit into Twilight's face.
Twilight felt her windswept mane. "Oh! Yes! Well, that was a bit of trouble I had with the weathermare, Rainbow Dash - "
"I don't wanna hear your shitty excuses, bitch!" roared Rarity.
"Look," said Twilight desperately, "I'm just here to check on the decorations, then I'll be out of your hair!"
Rarity's marshmallow-coloured face began to take on the hue of a tomato. "What the fuck was that - some sort of shitty-ass pun?"
Twilight gulped. "No..."
The angry unicorn sucked in a huge bout of breath. "Alright, bitch, we are gonna fix up that bird's nest! And we're gonna get some clothes on you, too, you slut!"
While Twilight was led away, Spike went off with the mares to the boutique's back room. As he left, he heard above the cooing of the two mares Twilight's weak repeats of "but you're not wearing clothes either..."
Rarity responded to this by bellowing something indistinct, but with a lot of swearing.
A few minutes later, she and Twilight were standing on a modelling platform while Rarity held up dresses against Twilight's lavender body.
"No, no, fuck no. Too fucking green. Too fucking yellow. Too fucking poofy. Aw, what the fuck is this shit? Too fucking frilly. Too fucking shiny. Now go on, bitch. Tell Mama Rarity why the fuck you're here."
While Rarity tugged angrily on a tight pink corset, Twilight gasped for breath and managed to choke out, "I've... moved... from Canterlot... to- "
"What?"
Rarity immediately let go of the corset. "You used to live in fucking Canterlot? Holy shit! Do you have any idea how much money you can earn over there? I've always wanted to get out of this shithole so I can make some real dough! You better tell me every-fucking-thing - oh ho ho, we are going to have quite the business relationshi- emeralds? What the fuck was I thinking? Let's get you some fucking rubies!"
As Rarity turned around to retrieve the gems, Twilight managed to struggle out of the corset just as Spike came out of the backroom. Grabbing him and the two GBPs with her magic, she dashed out of the boutique taking in great gulps of air.
"Quick!" she yelped. "Before she tries to dye my coat a different colour!"
Spike said nothing, as per usual.
"Well, she was... nice," hazarded Twilight. Clearing her throat, she added, "Now, what's next - ah! Music!" Peering at the checklist, she added, "Huh. It's the last one. Disappointing - ah well!"
Cheering up almost immediately, she continued on her way. Behind her, Spike had acquired another GBP.
Suddenly, the faint sound of pleasant birdsong reached Twilight's ears. Frowning in confusion, she pushed aside a few bushes to reveal a full choir of birds singing in perfect harmony.
Conducting them was a butter-yellow pegasus, hovering in the air. Her long flowing pink mane, the colour of bubblegum, waved around her as she hummed along. Her cutie mark was of three butterflies, and as she opened her eyes, they were revealed to be a serene kind of teal.
Then the pegasus turned and saw Twilight.
She screamed.
As the piercing note of a thousand tortured souls swept across the town, it buried itself into Twilight's skull and rattled her brains until they were little more than metaphorical mush. Falling to the floor, the conquered unicorn screamed her surrender, her hooves clamped over her ears in a futile effort to block out the evil chorus.
The screaming stopped.
Blearily raising one eyelid, Twilight was met with the blurry image of the concerned pegasus.
"Mortal pony?" she said. "Does your precious heart still beat according to nature's laws?"
"Huuuurgh," said Twilight.
"Hm," mused the pony, putting a hoof to her chin. "I appear to have done something to your brain rendering you incapable of speech or, in fact, vital signs."
"Huuuurgh," replied Twilight.
"I am Fluttershy," said the pony, holding out her hoof so that she was offering it to Twilight. "What is your name, lavender mare?"
"Huuuurgh," answered Twilight.
Fluttershy nodded, deep in thought, as Twilight grabbed her hoof and she pulled the unicorn into a standing position. "An interesting christening, to be sure. Tell me, were your parents religious?"
Twilight seemed to think long and hard about this. After a while, she settled on "huuuurgh" and gently keeled over.
In response, Fluttershy pouted. "Hm. Maybe I greeted her unexpected presence a bit too... extravagantly. Pinkie Pie should hold all the answers to this riddle."
With these decisive words, she nodded to her bird-choir, who fluttered over and grabbed various parts of Twilight's body. As one, they lifted the unconscious unicorn upwards and onto Fluttershy's back.
"Thank you, avians," purred Fluttershy. "Why you insist on helping me I shall never know."
With these words, the pegasus turned and walked calmly away. Spike, meanwhile, winked at the mares surrounding him and drew them into the bushes. Giggling and moaning soon racked the air.
"Uurgh..."
This was not so much a noise as it was the retarded lovechild of one. Twilight raised her weary head and was faced with the sight of the ground moving by itself. This puzzled her, but not as much as the fact that she could feel feathers underneath her stomach. With some effort, she opened her eyes wider and let them focus in on the serene face of that unholy screaming creature.
"Oh," the creature said, as their eyes met. "You are awake, mortal? This is good. I will not be charged of that thing your kind doesn't seem to like." She frowned.
"Wh-what?" stammered Twilight, weakly.
"I am Fluttershy," said the mare simply. "I am a friend. I am taking you to one of your kind. She is a violent pink colour. She likes inhaling white powder. I do not know why."
Twilight, managing to get a bearing on her surroundings, looked. They were walking towards a huge tree, with a balcony and windows and a stable door. It looked like a nice place to live.
"If I am not horrendously mistaken, this is your new home," said Fluttershy coolly. "Welcome - to Golden Oaks Library."
Staring, the unicorn blinked. "It's... it's a tree?"
"Yes."
"It looks like a nice place to live, of course, yes, very pleasant, with all the little knobs and whistles I'm sure, but... a tree?"
"Yes."
"A tree?"
"I do not make the rules, talking horse."
Dizzily, Twilight managed to fall off Fluttershy's back, then stood up again like a drunk. She peered at the tree. The tree, against all preset rules of the universe, peered back.
"Kay," said Twilight, and opened the door.
It swung open with ease, onto blackness that belonged under Cerberus' bed. Nervously, Twilight looked back at Fluttershy's impassive expression. The pegasus nodded and ushered Twilight inside. The dark closed around them like a baby's blanket, and the door slammed shut.
In the sudden darkness, five blood-red candles were lit. Out of the black loomed a crazed yet oddly familiar face, being lit from underneath by one of the candles. The pupils were baby-blue and far too small, the eyes that they resided in bloodshot. One of the face's ears twitched, the pink muzzle scrunched, and a crazed grin broke out along the face, cutting it in half. A curly bright-pink lock of mane fell across one of the eyes, and the grin grew wider.
Terrified, Twilight stood stock-still while the face drew close to her ear and whispered, "Surprise."
"Do not be worried, mortal," came Fluttershy's voice from the darkness. "This is Pinkamena Diane Pie, but you may refer to her as Pinkie Pie. Pinkie, this is Huuuurgh."
Pinkie Pie - if such a fearful creature could bear such a bright, happy name - glared Twilight full in the face. "We have seen this face before, yes we have..."
Twilight, as she did whenever she was faced with a problem, laughed at it nervously. "Hah! Hah hah! Ah hah hah hah! Well, yes! You have! Hah! Hah! Just this morning, you know! Hah! Hah!"
After a while, she added, "Hah!"
"Turn the lights on, Pinkie," soothed Fluttershy. "You are scaring Huuuurgh."
The earth pony sneered, then gestured a violently pink hoof in the direction of the other four candles. They glowed brighter, enveloping the room in scarlet light, revealing walls lined with bookshelves, a huge pentagram of red ochre in the middle of the floor and, in the corner of the room, the horse head.
Four other ponies were holding one of the other four candles, all save one standing ominously at a tip of the pentagram. Each of them were swaddled in a black hooded cloak, with nothing but their muzzles and the ends of their hooves showing. They all turned to face Twilight. The one not standing was curled up on the floor. She was snoring.
"Remove your veils, we command it!" snarled Pinkie, her eyes bulging.
Only one of them did, and was revealed to be a wall-eyed yellow-irised grey pegasus. She looked around from underneath her locks of messy blonde mane, then sighed and set her candle down.
"Look," she said, "I don't know why I even came here, Pinkie, but I swear to Celestia I am sick of this! I mean, seriously, what kind of psycho breaks into a giant tree and tries to summon Satan? I don't even know what Satan is!"
Pinkie scoffed and waved a hoof in the direction of the grey pegasus. "You are a non-believer! We had no choice! The first one had told us to do so!"
"Murder!"
This was about as much as Twilight could handle. Her brittle facade slipped off her face like hydrogen and oxygen molecules off the back muscles of a water fowl and she rounded on Fluttershy while screaming "what".
"Murder," repeated the criminally cute caretaker. "Murder is the thing your kind does not like."
There was a pause. "Oh," said Twilight. Her brain, scattered as it was already, made a near-futile effort to hide the insanity of the current day by concentrating on one tiny, bite-sized piece of it at a time. "Well... just so you know, it's pony."
"Excuse me?"
"I'm a pony," said Twilight, firmly. "Not a horse. A pony. A horse is a completely indistinct species."
Fluttershy stared. "But you both have four legs, and a tail, and a long face, and pointed ears, and a mane, and hooves."
"Well," replied Twilight, satisfied with herself to have come up with a rebuttal, "so do buffalo. And zebras."
"Buffalo and zebras have notable features that distinguish themselves from horses," countered Fluttershy. "In comparison, ponies have no difference from horses save from their diminutive stature. Therefore, ponies are simply wannabe horses."
Twilight scoffed. "Oh, come on... Fluttershy, was it? Ponies are more sturdily-built than horses, for one."
"I do not care. Horses and ponies are one and the same: horses."
"Now you're just putting horses on a pedastal."
"I am doing no such thing!" exclaimed Fluttershy, sitting down and crossing her hooves. "I am grouping two kinds of unnecessarily separated species into one simpler, more conceivable kind! The fact that that kind is called 'horse' is of no matter!"
"We feel left out," pointed out Pinkie. "Let us introduce you to our newest cultists!"
Twilight frowned. "Cult?"
"The Unholy Gathering of Satan's Most Devout Followers and Carriers of His Evil Deeds," responded Pinkie with the practiced ease of one who is insane and has no problems with it. "Behold!"
She got up on her hind hooves and threw out her forehooves, then pointed to the sleeping pony.
"Rainbow Dash, the Epitome of Sloth!" she shrieked.
Pinkie then pointed to the grey pony. "Ditzy 'Derpy Hooves' Doo, the Epitome of Envy!"
"Envy?" questioned Twilight. "Why?"
"When you see pictures of other ponies on holiday away from this place, you start getting jealous," explained Ditzy. "My coltfriend went to Las Pegasus for a week for work, I showed Pinkie the pictures - next minute, I'm inducted in this stupid cult."
Pinkie's hoof pointed at Ditzy's face like a sword blade. "The dissing of the Unholy Gathering of Satan's Most Devout Followers and Carriers of His Evil Deeds is strictly forbidden!" she screeched.
Heaving a great breath, Pinkie jabbed her hoof in the direction of one of the two standing cloaked ponies. "Rarity, the Epitome of Wrath!"
Twilight's question died on her lips as Rarity literally ripped off her cloak and screamed, "That's right, bitch! Mama's back!"
Finally, Pinkie's hoof indicated the last cloaked pony. "And Applejack, the Epitome of Pride!"
"All hail the Apple Army!" bellowed Applejack, as her salute blew her hood backwards.
An awkward silence filled the room. Five pairs of eyes stared at Twilight's: one teal and from behind, one yellow and wall-eyed, one baby-blue and bloodshot, one peacock-blue and bulging, one lime-green and stony. The fire on the candles flickered. In the distance, if any of them had been listening, a mare screamed something that sounded suspiciously like "oh Celestia, yes".
"Say," said Twilight brightly into the silence, "has any of you heard of the Chick Up There?"
When the clocks of Ponyville read 666, they got out of their houses and walked over to the town hall. Do not ask how or why the clocks read 666, just understand that they always do and always have.
Anyway.
Led by the grumbling Ditzy, Twilight and the other five made their way to the town hall along with everypony else. For a brief moment, Twilight wondered where Spike was, then heard a distant scream of carnal pleasure and decided not to wonder that ever again.
Flanking the doors to the town hall were two extremely homosexual royal guards. They let them all pass, on the basis that if someone doesn't have sunglasses on then they're not spies. This would be a much more innocent, much more innaccurate for the lack of Spike's presence.
Inside, the entire place was packed - so packed, in fact, that none of the seven ponies could see anything. Ditzy was too grumpy to fly, Fluttershy took sympathy on Pinkie's view that flight was for angels and therefore wrong and Rainbow was asleep on Applejack's back.Never leave a pony behind, the general had said, so that was alright for her.
In the meantime, they were faced with nothing to see but lots and lots of plot.
...Okay. Not that bad of a view, I'll be honest.
"Oh dear!" winced Twilight. "I can't see anything but plot!"
Rarity grinned pervertedly. "Not too bad, if you ask me!"
From atop a huge podium, only barely visible to the seven ponies at the back, an earth pony with a tan coat and grey striped mane adjusted her golden glasses and announced, "Fillies and gentlecolts and other genders, as mayor of Ponyville, it is my great pleasure to announce the beginning of the Annual Star Aligning Festival! Call 1800-MAYOR if you're feeling lonely!"
There were catcalls and jeers from the audience, Rarity leading them. Twilight frowned and got up on her hoof-tips, but was faced with the less alluring sight of heads and hair.
The mayor grinned and lidded her eyes. "In just a few moments, our town will witness the sexiness of the aligning stars, and celebrate this with a huge org- ahem! I mean celebration! Yeah!"
She laughed coquettishly. "And now, it is my great honor to introduce to you the ruler of our land, the very pony who gives us the sun and the moon each and every day, the good, the wise, the sexy..."
Fluttershy nodded, and the bird choir began to sing I'm Sexy And I Know It full force.
"Princess TrollestiaMolestia Celestia!"
The mayor winked and disappeared in a flash of golden smoke. While the assembled audience coughed and waved the smoke away and in one or two cases began to slap each others' plots with their tongues hanging out, they squinted upwards to the podium, where Princess ~~Trollestia~~ ~~Molestia~~ Celestia stood, her plot facing the crowd.
"Sup," she grinned.
Above her, the ceiling broke cleanly in half to reveal the night sky above. The moon glimmered, while the stars around it aligned ever so slowly - one circle, with another right next to it. Then the stars went upwards, to create a shaft-like shape, then connected.
Ditzy blinked at it. "Is that... a giant dick?"
Twilight's eyes were watering with the effort of processing the majesty before her. "Wow..." she whispered, her voice hushed and enraptured.
Ditzy began to laugh. "Hah! A dick! It really is just a huge bloody dick!"
"This," said Fluttershy, "was unexpected."
Applejack saluted, blushing ever so slightly. Rarity hooted and made various sexual gestures, once more leading the crowd. Pinkie gaped at the huge starry phallus above, drooling. Ditzy continued to laugh. Rainbow snored.
"Unexpected!" cackled Ditzy, slapping the ground. "Unexpected! It's a huge cock! In the sky! What kind of Festival is this? Are we really celebrating a huge dick in the sky made out of stars?"
"Hell yeah!" grinned Rarity. "Now we're talkin'!"
Celestia wiggled her plot suggestively at the audience. The audience screamed their sexual approval.
Above, the moon and the star-dick began to glow. Celestia looked upwards, and her eyes widened. She whispered the following words unheard by everypony but herself.
"Oh, hell naw..."
A pony fell from the sky.
She was black, with midnight-blue cat's eyes. She wore a set of blue armour, with a dick emblazoned on the front. Her mane was not so much a mane as it was dark-blue ethereal smoke. Within her mane and tail sparkled miniature star-dicks. She had a long horn, and stiffened wings.
"Hey there, little ladies," she leered. Then she looked down at her booted hooves. "Hey there, sis."
Celestia, little more than white, gold and pastel mush, said, "Huhvirgfyegkyfr."
The curvaceous mare laughed, throwing back her head. "Isn't that cute?"
Celestia said, "Fmck oo."
Again, the mare laughed, and looked around at the stunned audience. "Who knows who I am here? Hm? Who recognises this juicy plot?"
She turned and waved said juicy plot in the air. Pinkie shrieked, "Satan!"
"Nice try, little lady," smirked the alicorn. "Any other takers?"
Twilight's hoof was raised promptly. "I know who you are! You're the Chick Up There!"
Rarity licked her lips. "Hey there, sexy! Wanna take off that armour for me?"
It was at this point that Rainbow woke up. "Er... hnngh... wha? Who's that chick?"
"The Chick Up There, apparently," answered Fluttershy, doubtfully.
Ditzy snickered. "Nice. Real nice. What're you gonna do now, Dickmare Moon, take over Equestria?"
The Chick Up There grinned. "Sure! Why not?" She cleared her throat, then reared up on her hind legs.
"Remember this day, my diminutive equines! Remember, for this is the day that Celestia's throne was usurped by a plot that was way sexier than hers!"
She laughed, loudly, and thunder rumbled, and lightning flashed, and suddenly everypony was running away, stampeding for the door while Dickmare Moon began to shock the stragglers with black lightning that somehow resembled penises.
"Oh dear," said Twilight, then grabbed Rainbow Dash and ran after the other six.
In the distance, a mare shrieked something that sounded distinctly like, "I'm cumming!"
At least one of them was having a good time.
