Author's Note
This story was written for The Most Dangerous Contest. In a nutshell, its goal was to try to see if a good writer can actually take a bad topic and do something good with it. While I by no means consider myself a good writer, or even a writer, or even a living creature in the strictest definition of the term, I decided to give this a try with the topic that I promised myself long ago I would never ever write – Humon En Equoostria.
But a lot of thinking led me to one conclusion. It’s impossible for me to write HiE and I hate it. So I ended up going back to the very essence of the genre and thinking of interpretations from the very beginning.
The result is something that in some ways is very much different but in other ways very much the same as a regular HiE, but I hope you will enjoy it anyway in its execution and all those fiddly twisty bits that I have a habit of doing.
Thank you for reading, and I hope the ending pleases, if not infuriates quietly.
YOLO
Extended thanks to Dinoguy1000 for early day bouncing and DannyJ for holding my hand all throughout this project while I wept in the corner at my pathetic mess of a life. Also he gave me a lot of feedback and ideas.
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18th July
My name is Travis Roper.
I’m 23.
I work at the retail chain in the mall.
I live right here in this town.
That’s the standard introduction. That’s the stuff I say when people need me to say something and I don’t want to tell them anything.
That’s all anyone ever gets.
I’m an average guy, I guess. Depends on what you’re talking about, though.
Looks? Average.
Wealth? As much as the next slave working at the store.
Brains? ‘Average’.
But then again, this society is full of morons and idiots just waiting to slip on the trails of Oreo-speckled drool they leave from the hunting goods section to the checkout counters.
I ain’t Einstein, but I don’t need to be in this day and age.
Seems like all you need to get by nowadays is half a brain cell and a mouth that works when it’s not full of donuts. But you’ll usually never find anything more than that. Lucky there’s the rare few, though, the ones destined to rise above the rest and pull out of the dregs and climb to the top of the capitalist empire that is the modern world.
It takes people like me, you know? The ones who recognize how different things can be if we just tried to make a difference. The one who realises that in today’s age, the rapid homogenization of society means that culture and race no longer matter, and all it takes to make it anywhere in any country is will, dedication, and a shrewd intellect. Things like poverty… or blaming your government… that’s all bullshit. Those guys are just not trying hard enough.
I don’t like to talk about myself, but I’ve always known that I was made for big things. I got all the signs, if you look through history. I follow the patterns. I know I’m one of them.
All the big names. The best and the brightest. The creative. The entertainers. The inventors and thinkers. They all dropped out of school. Some of the richest people around never even had a high-school education. I’m right along beside them.
They all had social problems, too, or what people call ‘social problems’, anyway. What the world doesn’t get is that geniuses are just thinking so much all the time that talking and interacting with stupider people gets to be a chore. I feel that way all the time. It’s really annoying. It’s like… trying to slow down just to be able to communicate basic ideas. No. Get on our level. That’s the only way the world is going to progress.
No matter who it is, I always find myself having to force myself to slow down for the sake of others who don’t bother to try harder.
Take my manager, for example. She’s a bitch. Can’t talk to her at all. Always blaming me for every damn thing, even though I’ve been here for three years. The thing is, she’s just jealous. That’s another thing that happens.
You know what? Scratch what I said earlier. I said nothing holds the smart back from inheriting the world, right? Nah. There’s one thing.
Other people.
Yeah. Other people get in your way. Like stupid bitch bosses who don’t understand what potential is. They’re the kind of people who hold back progress. They’re the kind of people who don’t think of the bigger picture. For the sake of a job they don’t deserve, need or are passionate about, they purposely hold back the ones they know are smarter than them and only promote the ones they can control. It’s all just to keep power.
Power is what these people want. Power, control… all those things. And that leads to corruption. And that leads to the dark side. Famous quote or something. I don’t know. Can’t remember the details.
But yeah, stupid Bitch Boss. She keeps me down because she knows that the second I take over, she’s gone. She’s gone like that. And I will make this place run smooth as butter. Can’t do that from the ground floor stocking shelves. But hey, you know what? If this place doesn’t want to be more efficient, it’s their loss. Not mine. I gave up trying to give suggestions a long time ago. I’m tired of them telling me I don’t have the experience. I don’t need to keep hearing the excuse that ‘I can’t see the big picture’.
It’s not like I can see anything from here, can I? I have to stand on the top of the mountain to survey the lands, right? So of course I can’t see the big picture. But they keep me here anyway, all part of this great big conspiracy.
But it’s fine. I can wait. Geniuses are patient. It’s a quality we have. I’m just biding my time with this job. I can quit anytime, but in today’s economy it’s important to have a steady and concrete flow of income. That’s the only reason why I’m doing this – security, until I can move up and show the world what I can really do. What I’m capable of. And I don’t even care if Bitch Boss sees me or not when that happens. By that time I’ll be so far out of reach that she won’t even be able to see me as a speck on the horizon.
I got all the time in the world.
Look at her. Walking over. Every god damn morning.
Can’t she just leave me alone? Seriously. Do I need to be told how to do my job every single day? The same thing I’ve been doing for the past nine hundred and shit days?
Always baring fangs. Trying to hide her real intentions behind a smile, as if we can’t tell what’s really going on. She acts like this, you know? Happy. Bouncing around on the floor and smiling at everyone and being chipper and upbeat. What a hypocrite. I know the truth. When she gets back behind the staff curtains she drops the smile. She walks with slumped shoulders. I’ve seen it happen all the time, because she’s just like everyone else. A mere human. But on the floor she pretends to be a goddess.
And she mocks me. For the nine-hundred-and-shit-th time, she does that freaking annoying thing where she drags the edges of their mouth upwards with her fingers. You know the gesture. It means ‘hey, smile a bit more’. She keeps doing that to me. But you know what? I’m honest. I don’t feel like smiling, so I don’t. I don’t smile in one place and frown in another. I don’t segment myself. What’s the point of that? Lying to the customer… is that the kind of mentality she’s trying to instil in us?
Next she’ll be asking us to steal the merchandise and stop refilling the break-room coffee pot.
What a two-faced bitch.
If there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s duplicity.
And away she goes, like a shadow, as mysteriously as she arrived. In all these three years I worked here, I could never understand her. I could never ‘get' her. I guess I never saw the point. I’m really not interested in those company-mandated ‘bonding’ things. It’s the one thing they let me get away with. Skipping the picnics and the trust exercises seemed to be something they had no problems with, so why should I care either?
There was never any need to ‘bond’ with her.
There’s never any need to bond with anyone.
The greats in this world – the rich and successful – none of them ever needed to ‘bond’. Social outcasts, remember? Yeah, I watch shows like Shark Tank and all that. I know that the way to get rich and successful is to keep your eyes on the prize and not let sentiment get in the way.
Gotta keep that sentiment out.
Besides, if I ever need all those ‘human’ connections and whatever, I got a place. All I gotta do is go home.
I’ll be thinking about it for the rest of the day while I stock these shelves. It’s boring, menial labour. Something to tolerate. The only highlight is when I get to the toy department. I insisted I be the one to do that. It’s the only part of this pit of a job that’s remotely ‘fun’, but only because I get to look at the figures.
I’ll be home pretty soon.
~=~
“Maybe she’s just trying to be nice,” Twilight points out, as she brings over a sandwich.
It’s a sunny day. Bright, but not hot. The best kind of day. It’s always like this every time I’m here. Rainy days are for yesterday and tomorrow. Today is comfortable and uplifting. Got my sandwich. Got my girls. Got my good weather.
Today I’m just chillin’ at Sugar Cube Corner. It’s empty, of course. I don’t like being disturbed. My ladies know what I like.
Well, Pinkie, she’s annoying to me, so she stands quietly behind the counter and dishes out the sweets and sandwiches, like she ought to.
The others get to talk because at least they add something to the conversation, even though it’s not always the best thing. Sometimes I can’t stop them from starting for some reason. They say what they want. But it just takes a level of logic like mine to shut them up for the day.
This topic again, for example. Trying to give excuses for Bitch Boss. They haven’t even met her, and they’re always on her side. But this is nothing more than a mild annoyance. It’s just because they can’t see the big picture like I can. They’re just the little voices that express a singular purpose.
Take Twilight, for example. She’s all logical. She’s the one who tries to keep telling me that maybe I ought to ‘ease up’ or whatever. But look who’s talking! She’s always the uptight one, so what right does she have to tell me to ‘ease up’?
We’ve been through this before, but she clearly needs a reminder.
Bitch Boss treats me differently. That’s proof enough that she’s not who she’s trying to pretend to be.
I see her true self, that’s for sure.
“Well, you do act differently than the others,” Twilight mutters, tilting her head.
Of course I do. I’m better than the others. The only ones she’s nice to are the ones who are stupid enough to buy her load of rubbish. She’s able to win them over with a few words of encouragement and ‘positive reinforcement’.
See, the thing is, she knows I’m smarter. She knows her tricks won’t work on me. I’m the only one she shows her true colours to. But she’s got everyone else so far up her ass that nothing I say or do will change anything.
“Well, that’s quite a shame, Travis,” Twilight says. She doesn’t sound remorseful, but she never does.
I just want them to stop being against me.
“We’re just respondin’ to the topic,” Applejack butts in. “Ain’t nothin’ more than that. That’s what we do, right?”
Yeah but you girls could believe in me a bit more, couldn’t you?
“We all believe in you,” whispers Fluttershy from the corner. She’s always in the corner, speaking softly. I can always count on her to say the right thing, but sometimes I wish she’d be a bit louder sometimes. And yet, that tiny voice is the only thing I have around here to feel like I’m actually worth a shit.
I mean, I guess the others have my back. Fluttershy ain’t just spewing shit. But sometimes Twilight and Applejack just like to challenge me. I guess that’s part of how this world works.
I lean back in my easy chair. I had it installed here in the Corner just for myself. They were happy to oblige.
We’ve talked about this enough.
“Well, you’re the one who brought it up,” Applejack grumbles.
Shut up!
I don’t say that seriously, of course. It’s just something I say to everyone. She knows I’m not serious. I lean back further, thinking harder.
You know what? I did bring it up. Because Bitch Boss is always in my face every single day.
“Maybe you just oughta get ta know her better,” Applejack suggests. “Be nicer to others and they’ll be nice to you.”
Nah, no point. I’m nice to others. I can be, to the ones who deserve it. I’m nice to the ponies, right?
Nods all around.
It’s just that some people in this world just don’t deserve the effort. Most of the people in the world, in fact.
I send the ponies a look, and they know what I mean.
Parents… friends… schoolmates. It’s all pretty much the same thing. You put in effort but get nothing back. You just get a bunch of people screaming for no reason.
That’s why I like it here. No one ever screams. I can say anything. I can do whatever. No one ever screams. They’re just happy I’m around.
Been like this for a year, since I started coming to Equestria. Ever since I made my way here. Turns out it was easier to get here than I thought.
My memories of school’s a big fog. That’s where I learnt that everyone’s against you. Harsh truth of this world. You can’t trust the teachers for help. You can’t even trust the principal. He blames you for being attacked. What justice is that? Your parents think it’s best to pull you out instead of fix the problem.
Path of least resistance. That’s how things are.
It’s all the same shit here at work, too. Bitch Boss is just another cog in the machine.
Where’s the justice?
“Please, Travis,” Twilight starts. “You keep doing this to yourself. They made mistakes. That’s all. But if you–”
I nothing.
I’m not doing shit. If it’s not my problem, if it’s not my mistake, then it’s not me who has to change. Simple as that. If I change, then that means I’m admitting that I was the one at fault for all of this. And I wasn’t. I was never at fault, ever. I will never cave to the world holding justice hostage! I won’t be a ‘bad’ person just to be part of the machine!
I bang the table. The uneaten sandwich jumps into the air, afraid of my wrath.
Hey, hey. Screw this, alright? I’m not the bad guy here.
“No you’re not,” Twilight smiles, closing her eyes and nodding like she does in the show. “No you’re not.”
~=~
2nd October
I hold the last of my money in my hand. Sort of. A binder full of small bits of cardboard whose net worth comes to about eight hundred bucks, give or take.
But I’m a completionist.
I want all the rare cards, you know? Gotta keep buying until you get them.
I’m still at the mall, but on the other end this time. I don’t go to the big box store any longer. I decided to quit.
I decided to quit after one day, I got sick and tired of Bitch Boss, and her little ways, and her little talks, and her need to always pull me aside and tell me how to do my job. I got sick and tired and I finally decided to say to her what everyone wanted to hear.
But of course, her brainwashed little white knights just had to jump in and earn brownie points, so yeah, I don’t blame them. Bitch was crying in the middle of the store, in front of all the customers. Should have seen her. It was a laugh.
I’m sure I saw a couple of the other staffers laughing as well, trying to hide it because they didn’t want to get into trouble.
I stand up for the citizens. I’m one of the people.
But I quit, because I had enough of it all, and if they want to hold someone down they better find another lackey.
I’m going places, you know? I’m destined for great things.
I spend most of my time at the card shop now, where I bought all these cards. Pretty cool stuff. Of course, it’s the MLP Collectable Card Game. What else would I play? Magic? Come on.
This is a game about strategy and thought, not just ‘tapping land’ or whatever the heck it is. I’ve already beat everyone around with my ultimate deck. It has all the best cards in, four of each kind, and I use each of them to their ultimate potential. It takes a real shrewd mind to be able to play like I do. Each bullet fired must be on target, hitting the bullseye with every shot. Nothing wasted. That’s how I play.
And no one else can stand up to me. Pretty soon I started getting a name around here. No one really wants to play me anymore, but I still come to watch. I stand around and give tips.
It’s like that, really. When you’re a knight, everyone challenges you to duels. But once you make king, you don’t get challenged as much anymore except by the truly belligerent and ignorant. I’ve conquered this realm just like that.
But the king’s duty is to rule over his people, so I give tips. Tell people what to do. Give advice. For the most they listen, but you always get one or two of those guys who have no honour or humility that just don’t want to learn That’s their problem. That’s why they always lose. And when I challenge them, they say they aren’t interested.
That’s what you call a bad attitude.
There’s a lot of that going around these days.
Whatever. This is how I spend my day, now. I come here, hang out, I set up in the corner and wait for someone to approach. But no one dares. It’s almost laughable by now what kind of reputation I must have to keep everyone away like this. Sometimes I wander around to teach people. At the end of the day I go visit Equestria for a while.
I’ve been going back there a lot more recently. I have the time. It’s a good place to go when you’re bored, honestly. More people should visit.
It’s like… I first went there to complain. Bitch about life. Even though my life was exactly where I wanted it, and was going how I planned, I still gotta complain. I mean, I’m human, right? So, call that my one weakness, if it even is a weakness at all. Me, I like to think as if I’m just keeping myself grounded.
They were only too happy to play host. I had my first audience with Princess Celestia on the first day. They didn’t expect me to be granted court, no, but a few sweet words and my silver tongue brought me straight to the top. And let me tell you, it’s a thing to have the Princess herself sit patiently and listen to your problems.
Of course, they couldn’t do anything to help. I get that. The affairs of the human world is something they can’t meddle with. Fair enough.
Speaking of which, that’s really why I like that place, you know? Everyone there is so charmingly innocent and naive. The things I discussed shocked them. Genuinely made them wonder why there were so many horrible things in the world. It’s pretty much like how it’s like in the cartoons and comics and stuff over there. Idealized. Standardized.
It was pretty fun teaching them about my world. Explaining things to them. The reason, as I came to understand, that they challenge what I say so much is simply because their hearts and minds wouldn’t allow them to believe that this beast called ‘human’ could be so callous.
But no, I explained how things are different. I explained how humans have the seeds to be bastards deep inside them. Bastard seeds. Yeah.
It wasn’t even like the ‘humans’ of that one thing with the movie that Twilight went through. I had to tell them that real humans only came in one colour. We aren’t multi-coloured dream buckets. We’re all the same on the inside.
Things like race and culture and all that, that’s just an illusion. In the end everyone’s the same and everyone is going to be just like me one day, because that’s how the world works. It’s deep, you know? Sociology and psychology and all that shit.
And that’s why it’s so funny. All the colours of the ‘humans’ in the movie were all different and everyone was treated the same. Over here in the real world, there’s not that many different shades of skin and everyone’s treated different anyway. That’s why there’s no point in having different skin colours at all. Everyone should just be the same and there’ll be no problems, right? All that matters is how smart you are, in the end.
It’s deep.
I’m a deep person. Think of these kinds of things sometimes. It all makes sense in my head.
Finally. A guy comes over with a case. I can see the look. He’s a new guy. Probably just bought his first starter pack yesterday. Looks like he wants a game.
I’ll give him a game.
~=~
Ungrateful, the lot of them. They’re just all ungrateful and rude. They don’t even thank you, you know? They just walk off indignant-like. Who does that after a game?
“They’re beneath you,” Rarity says. “Don’t pay them any mind.”
That’s right! That’s exactly right!
We’re at the castle today. I can come and go as I please. The Princess has given me free reign due to my status there. I brought Rarity and Rainbow Dash along, just ‘cause. Pinkie’s in the corner, too, but she keeps quiet as usual, never saying a word.
Set up here in the courtyard today. Playing a game with myself with my cards.
“I know exactly how it’s like, darling,” Rarity says. “As you know, my sister is incredibly ungrateful as well. Whatever I do for her, she simply takes everything for granted.”
Exactly. They just take things for granted.
“How’d it go, anyway?” Rainbow asks. She’s not really interested, but she asks anyway. Right now she’s lazing on a cloud, totally being a boss. I respect that. She’s got conviction, you know? That’s important to have. To be able to follow your dreams and not give an arse about whatever gets in your way.
Honestly, thinking back on the game, it was pretty boring, I’d have to say. That’s the thing about playing with newcomers. There’s no thrill in it. There’s no satisfaction in beating them. You gotta wait around while they recall the rules and make mistakes. After a while, correcting them gets to be a chore.
“You’d think if they wanted to play they’d learn the rules first, right?” Rainbow shrugs, her voice coming from up above. “Don’t play a game you have no intention of winning, that’s what I always say.”
That’s right. Those are words to live by. A good creed. Everyone should only do anything if they’re ready to win or lose. This kid, though, came half-sure, grinning wildly as if it were just a game. I had to tell him off quick to get his head on straight.
“I do hope you told him off properly.” Rarity huffs, throwing her hair over her shoulder. Her quaff or whatever it’s called. “Young upstarts ought never to be allowed grace in a public forum.”
It was the usual. I told him to stop mucking about. Do it right. Asked him why he didn’t know everything. Why he wasn’t prepared. It’ll help mold him, yeah?
“School of Hard Knocks. That’s where I learned how to survive,” Rainbow says cheekily.
Then I just gave him tips along the way. As we played, I told him what he ought to have done. I had him show me his hand most of the time, just so I could properly guide him. But even with my help, he still struggled. In the end I decided to give him face and I surrendered half-way, giving him the victory. The boost will help his morale. Now he can tell everyone he beat the king on his first game.
“You did what you could, darling. Don’t feel bad for trying.” Rarity gave a cute little shrug. “If he didn’t want to learn, that’s his problem, not yours.”
Yeah. He left in a huff. He surely didn’t want to learn.
“Say, would you like to see my new dress, darling?” Rarity asks.
Why the hell would I want to do that?
“It’ll make you feel better, maybe. There’s nothing like a new outfit to lift one’s spirits!”
Yeah, but, one; I ain’t a pony, and I ain’t getting down on all fours to put on a dress, and two; I ain’t putting on a dress. Someone might mistake me for being in a parade or something.
“Leave him alone, Rarity!” Dash shouts. “Let him do what he wants! Whatever makes you happy, right, Travis?”
That’s right, and what’d make me happy right now is not to look at no dresses. You know what I want right now? I want a freakin’ massage, and I want a cake.
“You know what it is, chief?” Dash swoops down off her cloud and lands next to me, grinning wildly. “Whatever you want, you take it. As long as it makes you happy. That’s the one rule of life!”
Yeah. Time to move. Time to get what I want. That’s what I came here for, anyway. Rarity and Dash fall into step behind me. Pinkie does too, silently, all the way in the back where she can’t be felt.
Fluttershy’s there too, suddenly popping out of a doorway. She’s the last one I need.
“Are you quite alright?” she asks, with that gentle voice. Like a parent. Stark contrast to what I’m used to, I tell you what. I guess looking after bunnies and porcupines or whatever makes you motherly or something. I dunno. I ain’t no expert in moms.
Yeah, I’m fine. Was just telling the ladies about the card thing.
“Oh, that terrible young man.” Fluttershy tuts. “He never learned his manners. Are you alright, Travis? Do you need me to go over there and tell him off?”
I laugh.
Stupid pony can’t even get to my side, but she’s offering. She’s great, isn’t she? I mean, this is the one kind of dumbass I can take in my life, really. I got no problems with this.
“Don’t bother, dear,” Rarity cuts in. “He doesn’t need to waste time with the riff-raff.”
I look at Rainbow.
“Hey, do what you want. Whatever you want.” She shrugs again.
Nah, there’s no problem. I’m just heading into the castle to get relaxed.
Fluttershy falls into step.
Like ducklings, they are. That’s how they seem like.
The castle is nice and warm, as it always is. The guards click their hooves on the floor at my arrival. My procession shuffles everyone out of the way. Before I enter the throne room, I pass by the kitchen.
“What sort of cake would you like?” Fluttershy asks, stepping to the front. “I’ll get anything for you, Travis. Whatever you desire.”
I dunno. What’s the special here in Ponyville, anyway? What’s the local delicacy, cake-wise?
“That would be hay-seed plum cake,” Rarity mentions. “There’s nothing better to give your ego a little boost!”
Whatever. That sounds disgusting, like something only a horse would eat.
Hah.
Wit.
Whatever. I call for it.
But wouldn’t you know? The kitchen’s all out. Typical. You gotta do everything yourself around here. Fluttershy’s saying she’ll fly to the nearest town to buy one just for me. Rarity thinks I should throw a fuss. Dash tells me to eat whatever the hell I want.
Nah, you know what? You know what’ll be awesome?
I enter the kitchen. Yeah, I’m gonna make it myself. Show these ponies at the castle what a real cake is like. Think they know how to cook just ‘cause it’s for the Princess? Yeah. I’ll make your cake for you and eat it too.
Dash and Rarity are in agreement.
I make the cake.
It’s freakin’ brilliant.
Like the best they ever tasted. For real.
“Travis?” Fluttershy asks, nibbling on the end of a slice of the best cake ever.
I look in her direction.
“Would you like me to fetch Twilight and Applejack for you? It would be fun if we could share this most delicious cake together.” She beams.
Like I said, she’s a bit on the stupid side.
I haven’t seen those two in a while. I got tired of them, to be honest. Twilight’s always arguing, trying to make everything ‘work’. And Applejack’s no different, except she tries to emotionally blackmail me or whatever. I mean, it’s kind of low.
Yeah, they’re ‘doing it for my sake’ and all that, but let’s face it, it’s annoying. I don’t need that kind of thing right now. I haven’t heard their voices in a while now. I’m probably better off.
She should have known. She should have known.
Just gonna enjoy this cake.
I walk into the throne room. Everything’s all set up. Princess Celestia bows.
“Are you ready for your massage?” she asks.
~=~
20th November
I’m on the roof of the mall, gazing out at the streets below.
I stand at the edge because I sometimes wonder what it’d be like to fly.
The wind is strong up here. Strong enough to push me and make me scared. So scared that a jolt runs through my chest and my grip on the railing gets a bit tighter. Nothing scares me except the wind.
Well, it’s not really the wind, is it? It’s basically becoming a Van Gogh on the carpark. I’d rather avoid that if it’s all the same.
But still, the edge is a pretty cool place to be. You can stare right at the world and go ‘hey, I’m not afraid of nothing’ before the wind sweeps you back.
I ain’t afraid of nothing.
I got bored with the cards a long time ago. It’s no fun being the king. I don’t know how Princess Celestia keeps up with it. It’s just a whole lot of nothingness. You can only win so many times before it’s just another win.
I come here to get away from all the nagging in my life. Don’t need it. I don’t want to ride a rollercoaster right now. I want to stop for a moment and get some fresh air. That’s all it is. Couple of months of fresh air will do me good.
But sometimes I get mad. I get really angry. I get really pissed.
All this shit is always the same thing that happens. It’s always the world trying to keep me down. Hold me back. Everyone ganging up on you.
I was watching a show on cable the other day. Something about South Africa and apart-whatever. I wasn’t paying attention. But I get it, man. I feel them. I know what it’s like to be held back and to be kept down by ‘the man’. I’m totally one of them too.
And no one understands me. No one bothers trying. But you know what? I could go on about this forever and all it’d be is a pityfest.
Rarity’s got the deal on this one. Don’t say things that’ll get you down. Good advice, that. She knows what’s up.
I’m still king.
I’m king of the roof. I’m above everyone else. I have time and space to make my plans. To start on my future. It’ll be a future of great things. Maybe in mass media, where I can radically change minds with my thoughts and opinions. Maybe a senator, forcing rules on a sheep-like public that doesn't know any better. Maybe a star of some kind, a guy with clout in this world.
Buy my handbags, I’d say, and stupid trendsetters will tell their idiots to buy it and they will, and I’ll mass produce in China because they’re going to be the next world power or something. Because of the cheap labour or the language or something like that. I’ll figure it out when I get there.
Yeah.
Everything’ll fall into place or whatever.
Right?
I throw myself back on the gravel. Sharp rocks prick my body like a thousand ants trying to do shit to a snake.
Metaphors, man.
Jobs and life and shit.
What a crock.
I hold the keys up to the sun, letting them blot out the light that streams down from above.
The door will be unlocked soon, and once again, I’ll be back.
I close my eyes.
~=~
A round table.
Six ponies gathered.
I’m standing at the edge.
“It’s been a while,” Twilight says, solemnly. She speaks robotically, monotonously. I don’t like it. It’s the same kind of judgemental tone that I’m all too familiar with and I don’t need that coming from her of all people.
But, you know what? It has been a while. You know why? Because of her mouth.
“So why have you called us?” she asks, turning to the side.
Applejack nods back at Twilight. I haven’t seen her for a while either.
Hey, Twilight. You’re the smart one. You figure it out. Why have I called you all?
“You’re finally opening up,” Applejack interrupts like a complete asshole.
Shut up. I wasn’t talking to you.
“You’ve come to explore new avenues. You’re looking for alternatives,” Twilight states.
No.
No, you dumb shit.
I’m bored. That’s all there is to it. Stop reading so much into everything all the time. That was your one problem. You always had to analyze everything and turn everything into data points and venn diagrams or whatever the hell smart jerk dumb shits use.
I’m getting angry again.
“Don’t listen to her.” Rainbow Dash smiles, cocking her head towards Twilight. “She just overthinks everything. There’s only one golden rule. Remember? Just live it, and you’ll be fine.”
Yeah, but it’s not working, dumb rainbow dumbass fartsock. I do what I want, but it’s not making me any more happy or relaxed. I don’t crawl up on a cloud like you and lounge about like a freaking hobo.
“It doesn’t matter, darling,” Rarity throws in her own points. “Just remember, it’s not your fault. That’s what counts in the long run. Everyone else is to blame! It’s how things are!”
Well, that’s not going to cut it anymore, is it? I know I’m always right, but… it’s not always going to work.
I don’t know. Something feels strangely off about what she’s saying lately. But I’m not perfect. It’s just that I don’t make mistakes with other people. It’s two entirely different things. But whatever it is. I ain’t perfect and I’m humble enough to admit that and I don’t understand what’s going on with her words, but they’re coming out funny.
“Is there anything I can do to make it better?” Fluttershy asks, suddenly. It’s her turn. “You don’t have to listen to the others if y-you don’t feel like it. I’m here for you. I’ll always be here for you.”
No. You know what? There isn’t anything you can do to make it better. Maybe shut up or something. I dunno.
Wit.
Pinkie stands at the furthest end of the table, silent, staring.
“Do you see? I wasn’t wrong, was I?” Twilight mocks. “You’ve rejected the others. And now you need a few more ideas. Applejack and I have things to say.”
Yeah, but anything helpful? You’re going to say things that aren’t efficient. Nothing fun. You’re going to blame me. You’re not on my side.
“We’re all tryin’ ta help ya, Travis,” Applejack says. “It’s just that we all do it in different ways. That’s all it is.”
And how does me pretending it’s my fault help?
“Maybe you gotta just let them see, Travis.” Applejack states. “I mean, it’s like this, right? If you want others to understand ya, then ya gotta let ‘em in first. Ya gotta open up a little. Just a tiny bit. Ain’t no one askin’ ya to invite the whole circus t' town, but… you gotta at least unlock th’ door.”
“Maybe there is some merit to seeing things from the other side, Travis,” Twilight offers. “At the very least, approaching yourself from a different direction might allow you to see things a bit better. A lot of things look the same if you only look at their shadows.”
Okay. You see, I know where this leads. I know where it always ends up. It always ends up with me being cast as th–
“You ain’t the victim, Travis. It ain’t about that,” Applejack cuts me off.
“I agree,” Twilight adds. “All we want is for you to get better. We understand your problems.”
“No, darling,” Rarity shakes her head and gives a wry grin, as if she just smelled something foul. “You aren’t the victim. But you have to make sure everyone else knows this. What good is pretending that you’re to blame?”
“Victim-schmictum,” Rainbow yells out. “Does that even matter? Just ignore it in the first place and have fun!”
“Let me look after you,” Fluttershy adds. “And it’ll all be fine.”
Alright. Enough.
Enough of this shit.
I had it one way, I’m gonna just try the other. Can’t hurt. Right? I mean, screw it. I’m sick to death of it all anyway. I don’t care about anything so I won’t care about this either. And if I do, that just means I’m weak.
So yeah, Twilight. Fine. Take the floor. You got something to say, don’t you? Say it.
“Twilight? You mean that doll there?”
Shit.
I drop the figure. I drop all of them. I sit up, scrabbling, pushing them back into my bag. Retuning my keys to their chains.
“What the hell do you want?” I hiss.
Of all the people.
Mary.
Bitch Boss.
“Listen…” she says, slowly. She approaches me with equal hesitance. A few sighs escape her pursed lips.
The sight of her infuriates me. The sight of this invader in my kingdom.
“What the hell do you want?” I repeat, standing up to face her down.
“I’ve been… speaking with your parents.”
What gives you the right? What gives you the bloody right?
You piece of shit. I can’t believe this. We parted ways months ago and you still want to come crawling back into my life like a scorpion that just wants to get in that last final sting. Have you not made my life enough of a miserable wreck?
“What about?” I ask.
The gravel on the floor is an interesting colour.
“Listen… I’m sorry about this. I really didn’t mean to intrude so far into your personal business, but ever since that day…”
“Yeah? Yeah? What?” I spit out. Ever since that day what?
“I’ve been…”
She tilts her head. Looks off to the side. Feigning innocence. Feigning humility. Two-faced to the end.
“... watching you. Not that I had a choice, at first. You like this mall a lot, huh.”
She tries to laugh away the awkwardness.
Big failure.
“And I just decided one day to go around to your house to see if you were okay. You’ve been really… distant, recently. I mean, even for you.”
Way.
To.
Rub.
It.
In.
“Even after the whole card thing, I thought maybe you’d finally managed to talk a little with others, but then now… you just come up here all day and throw things at cars.”
“So, what, you want an apology or something?”
She stares at me. I stare back. I make sure she can feel what I’m thinking so that I don’t need to say it.
“No.” She responds after a while. “I thought your… health might have gotten worse, so I wanted to talk to you. I ended up with your parents instead.”
Conspiracies and shit. Now even my own parents are in on it. I mean, what the hell. If you can’t even freaking trust your own family, who the hell can you trust?
What kind of game are you playing, Bitch? What kind of world are you trying to create for me?
“Yeah? And what they say?” I ask.
“We all agree that… maybe you ought to get some help. Professional help.”
That takes the cake. That really does. That just makes me explode. I mean, what, are you trying to insinuate that there’s something wrong with me? There’s something wrong with the world, you dumb broad. Can’t you wrap yourself, my asshole parents and everyone else up into a freaking package and send that to the psych ward instead?
What next? Zapping my brain? Lobotomy? Shit, you just want to lock me away, don’t you? Every one of you.
“And they can’t even tell me this themselves? They have to send you, of all people?” I point my finger at her.
She adjusts her glasses and frowns. “No. They couldn’t tell you this themselves. They said they tried, but they were afraid. But if you blow up on me, on the other hand… well. Second serving, right? So I offered.”
“What, they pay you to do this?”
“No. It was my idea.”
“So what are you getting out of this?”
It’s something. There’s always something. If she says 'nothing' it’s a lie. A bald-faced lie.
“Nothing,” she says. “I just felt that I needed to do something. For my own conscience.”
Yeah, if you wanna help your failing conscience and your guilty nights, why don’t you start by changing yourself? Stop being a hypocrite! Stop lying to my face!
“Whatever,” I say. “You done?”
She turns. Guess that was all she had to say.
She stops.
“Tell me,” she says. “When was the last time you felt excited about something?”
“What the hell?” I respond, because seriously, what the hell.
“You know that voice inside you,” she asks, turning back again, “the one that’s enthusiastic about things? Enjoys stuff? The thing that gives you... I dunno. Motivation. When was the last time you ever heard it?”
She wavers between turning back to me and making for the door. I wish she’d pick a direction already.
“Somehow I feel it’s been a long time since you felt that. Somehow I feel it’s been a long time that you heard the voice of passion.”
She finally chooses. She turns to leave.
“I dunno,” she mumbles. “You might be depressed or something. Really. Go get some help. If not for yourself, then for your family.”
“Fuck you,” I tell her.
She leaves.
The winds blow again, and I feel myself being pulled towards the edge. It’s not just wind, though. It’s a damn hurricane. It’s just all the shit swirling around my head like as if my brain were some damn giant toilet.
But one thing is clear.
There’s a penny at the bottom of the bowl.
There’s a truth. There’s a light. If anything, Bitch Boss made this point as clear as hell.
I don’t even need the toys right now. I just gotta go back.
I gotta go back right now.
~=~
Five ponies remain at the table. One’s wandered off somewhere.
But they were right. For something like this to have happened, a betrayal from everyone, there’s no other solution for it. There’s no other possible thing to be done. There’s only one way to help myself.
“We are no longer needed.” Twilight says sadly.
“Back to th' farm,” Applejack notes.
No. Oh no. That’s not how it’s going to be. No.
You think you can just run away after what you tried to get me to do? After you tried to manipulate me?
No more will this happen.
I have to make a choice. I have to stop fighting myself. I no longer can afford to question my conviction.
All five ponies turn.
“Be warned,” Twilight continues. “This is a dangerous decision.”
I stare at her with impunity.
“As you say, we have no choice but to follow your decree. This is your kingdom. But a voice changed is not easily recovered. Logic can fit any pattern, but not always for good.”
“If ya change the lyrics, it ain’t gonna be the same song,” Applejack warns. “You’ll be singing without emotion or heart.”
“Even the ego needs to prop itself up on something, darling,” Rarity cautions.
“Who’s gonna give the child what he wants if there ain’t no one to give things to him?” Rainbow alerts.
“I-I can’t protect someone who doesn’t feel vulnerable,” Fluttershy informs. “I won’t be a g-good parent.”
No.
There's only one person who must believe in me. And if he isn't going to believe in me all the way, then I am no better off than dead.
I will it so.
And it is done.
~=~
A bubble.
It feels like a bubble.
It’s numbing. Equestria feels colder. Equestria feels frozen. But not just as if trapped in ice or glass. It feels frozen in time as well. It’s still the same place. Sun still shines. Birds and all that shit in the trees. Princess Celestia still gives me backrubs.
Nothing’s really different. But now I can be happy. Truly happy. Genuinely happy.
I spend most of my time here now.
I can do anything I want. I can think anything I want. And I’ll have nothing but support. That’s what life is about. Who cares about ambitions? Who cares about the world? I've come to understand this.
If all the world can offer is what I've seen so far, then not even I and my genius can save it.
And she thought I'd never find happiness. I have found it here, in Equestria.
I turn to my friends. My ponies. They smile back obediently. Things are good here, aren't they? They're all I need now. No one else.
They all nod.
And I can stay here as long as I want, can't I?
All five of them chime in.
"Of course," they all say in unison, with the same voice, like a chorus of angels.
I lean back in my chair and smile.
This is where I was meant to end up.
This is the place that I should have been striving for.
This is home.
END
