E.G.G.P.O.N.Y.

by MrPengu1n

Rating: everyone
Tags: Crossover
Length: 2358

Eggman takes over Equestria...or, tries to, at least, I don't know, I'm just the narrator.

Eggman has given up on trying to take over Earth, so now he's taking over Equestria.
fRoM tHe InSiDe oOoOoOoooOOooOOoOo *dRAmaTic mUsiC*

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2014-07-01 20:13:49 UTC

Disguiiiiiiiiiise

Eggman sat in his comically tall velvet chair, sipping tea in front of a fireplace while wearing an equally comical velvet robe and ascot.

He sipped.

And sipped again.

And then he took something that was too large to be called a sip, but not necessarily big enough to be a gulp.

And then he sipped again.

Suddenly he stood straight up out of his chair and flung his teacup against the fireplace with a loud grunt of exertion, listening to it sizzle satisfactorily.

"Curse that little blue pestilence!" he announced vehemently to his library, "even in my Me-Time he invades my every thought! This is tortuous!"

His energy from the tea spent, he sunk back down into his special relaxation chair and festered, "Every one of my plans, Ev-ry sINgle One! Foiled! ...I need a new plan, something big! Something convoluted! Something that will end the blue menance once and-"

"Dr. Eggman," a tinny robotic voice interrupted his ranting.

Eggman looked down next to his chair to find one of his small robotic butlers. The urgency light on it's head was blinking rapidly orange - the complementary color of blue.

"What?" Eggman demanded, "cant you see I'm ranting about my arch nemesis?"

"Sir, I-I-I just came to inform you, sir," the butler stammered nervously.

(Eggman had knowingly programmed nervousness into all his robot butlers because he loved it when people feared him. Unfortunately this has lead to him finding more than one love shrines dedicated to him built by his robots and many "notice me senpai" notes stuck in various places left for him)

"What is it? Spit it out!" Eggman demanded, quickly losing his mental rage tangent aimed at Sonic.

Sonic!

"Well?" Eggman slammed his fist onto the armrest of his fancy velvet chair.

The butler flinched at the slamming and spat out, "Y-y-your astronomer robots have discovered a new planet within warping distance of Earth, sir,-"

"Is that all? We find those all the time!" Eggman turned away, gesturing dismissively, "Begone! I'm ranting."

"N-not just that, sir," the butler said, wheeling his way around to the front of the chair, "We've discovered life on it!"

Eggman sat up in his chair, "What kind of life? More Wisps?"

"No sir, it's....well, it's ponies, sir," the butler explained awkwardly.

"Ponies?" Eggman breathed disbelievingly, letting out hoots and chortles and other forms of laughter, "Bahaha! Ponies? Really?"

"Yes sir!" The butler said eagerly, "Sentient, verbally communicative, societally advanced ponies! With the capabilities for flight, large scale agriculture, and biological quantum dislocation!"

Eggman stopped laughing. "...Is that so?" he said, standing up from his chair again. "Societally advanced..." he stood for several more moments, pantomiming a teacup to help him muse thoughtfully.

The butler stood at his heels, unsure of what to do.

Eggman cracked a devious smile as his eyeglasses twinkled with the beginnings of a plan, "Well, maybe it's time I tried taking over some other planet than Earth...wouldn't you say?"

"U-uhh," the butler responded noncommittally.

"Because, of course," Eggman reasoned quickly, "on a planet full of ponies...there's no room for a...hedgehog, don't you agree?"

"Y-yes?" the butler answered warily.

Eggman spun on his bunny slippered heels, "Make ready the necessary preparations! I think I'd like to observe this planet...personally."

"Yes sir!" the butler said, speeding off.

Eggman nodded and turned back to the fire, musing further on what sort of dictatorship he could sustain on the backs of a highly intelligent pony species.

Eggman suddenly started with a realization, "Swig!"

The butler stopped, "S-sorry, sir?"

Eggman looked over his shoulder, "Halfway between a sip and a gulp! The word is, 'Swig'!"

The butler looked at him, unsure of what to do with this information.

"GO!" Eggman ordered, "And alert the genetics department! I think I'll be in need of...a disguiiiiise," he said with an evil smile.

"Yes sir!" the butler saluted, speeding off out of the library.

Eggman named the new planet Robotnikland, or RBK-1, as it was the one and only planet orbiting it's star. His geneticists had done a quick study on the biology of the pony species, and Eggman himself had designed an android in accordance with their notes, with his own personal flair added in.

His body was now floating in a tube of oxygenated perfluorocarbon, hooked up to life support and wearing a sophisticated EEG helmet so that he could control the android remotely with his mind, and he was now standing in front of a mirror, inspecting his creation.

His pony android had trim, charcoal fur, while his mane was left spiky, unruly, and auburn to make the color of his glorious mustache. The mustache itself, however, could not be ideally replicated on the pony snout, and thus his mug was left conspicuously shaven.

(still, it was nice to have hair on tOp of his head again. it's been so many years...)

Yet Eggman had no further complaints on his design. It didn't look anything like a pony from Earth, but then again he wasn't trying to look like a pony from Earth. He wanted to look like a pony from RBK-1.

Eggman made his pony face smile deviously and said in his own voice, "mission accomplished."

"Sir," another robot butler said, appearing next to his feet. In his delivery appendages he held two items which would give the android just that eggman flair he was looking for.

Eggman took the items gratefully and put them on, admiring himself in the mirror again.

Now, his pony android was fully decked out in a red and gold jacket like his very own, tailored to fit on the pony body, and his unnaturally large eyes were hidden behind an extra large pair of blue glasses, just like his very own.

"Excellent!" Eggman cheered, "This disguiiiise is perfect!"

He turned to the delivery robot and gestured grandly with his hoof, "Ready the warp station! It's time to show these ponies their new leaderrrrr." he growled with a great big evil smile.

"Y-yes sir!" the butler saluted, and sped off.

Eggman turned to where his body was floating in a chamber of liquid and put his hoof on the glass, "In due time, this will be the form that those ponies will be bowing down to." he vowed.

Eggman stepped back, turned, and walked towards the warp zone.

BehOLD

Eggman trotted down the corridor to the warp zone, getting used to the feeling of having four legs. "It's like having two legs and two legs, instead of two legs and two arms," he mused thoughtfully to himself, "I am such a genius."

An eager robot butler quickly jogged up next to Eggman's hooves, "Shall I prepare the Egg Fleet, sir?" he requested.

Eggman shook his new pony head, "Not this time. I don't want to cause a panic."

The robot butler stopped in his tracks, "But you love causing panics, sir.."

"Normally, yes," Eggman chuckled, "But this is a very rare opportunity; a chance to conquer a world without sonic ever even making an appearance," he chuckled and chortled and giggled evilly, "I want this to be a controlled conquering, I want to savor every sssssecond of those ponies' suffering, mu hu wah ha ha haaaaeeeee-ack!"

The robot butler stood in awe of the sheer evil genius of Eggman. "I love you Eggman,"

"Ready the warp zone!" Eggman demanded loudly to anyone nearby. "I want to see this world puhhhh-hersonallyyyyy," he growled with a vigor.

"Notice me senpai," whispered the robot butler, who stood there for a few moments longer before turning around and running off.

Another robot butler ran up to Eggman's side and said, "Where should I direct the portal to, your most evilness?"

Eggman mused thoughtfully, stroking his uncomfortably hairless pony lips and surprisingly comfortably haired head as he mused. "Somewhere not too populated, I want my entrance to be noticed! But also, somewhere a little ways away from any other settlement, so they can't escape me. Perhaps, somewhere superstitious, perhaps a farm town."

The robot butler slammed his robot hands on the robot keyboard in front of him, controlling the destination of the portal. He nodded and said, "Your destination is set, your grouchiness; a small town called 'Ponyville'. Just press that button over there to open the portal."

"Ponyville...how creative," Eggman muttered as his final musing on Earth. Then pressed a button on a side panel with his large, clunky new hoof and watched as a portal buzzed, sparked, and hummed to life housed inside some crazy machinery in front of him. Robot butlers cheered on all sides as he stood before the portal, holding his two forelegs up and waving his hooves around menacingly, like a witch watching a brew bubble. "Not a moment to waste!" he declared, and dove through the portal.

When he was spat out on the other side, he saw pink.

"Where am I?" Eggman asked aloud, though his voice sounded strangely muffled, "What am I seeing?"

"Hiya!" a high pitched, cheery voice greeted, "I don't think I've ever seen you around, I like your coat!"

Eggman lifted his hoofs and felt around the pink, realizing his face was pressed into something soft and squishy. He pushed off and looked up into a pair of blue eyes and bubblegum hair.

"My name's Pinkie Pie!" the pony greeted, "What's yours?"

Eggman pushed off the pony quickly, scrambling to his hooves, "Get off me, pony filth!"

"Nice to meet you, Getoffme Ponyfilth!" Pinkie Pie cheered, "That's a nice name! Is it Trottish?"

Eggman shook his head and blew air between his lips, gathering his senses. "Sure, why not," he muttered noncommittally, looking around as he inspected his new surroundings. He stood in the center of what appeared to be a town square, with ponies of all shapes, sizes, and colors - oh, the colors! - milling about this way and that, chatting and going about their business.

"Hey, cool glasses!" Pinkie Pie said, snatching them off his face without a moment's warning.

"Wha-what?" Eggman jumped, startled at the sudden invasion, "Give those back, insolent scum!" he demanded.

"Woah~," Pinkie said, looking around while wearing the glasses, "Everything's bluuuuuuueeeeee," she cooed, wiggling her hooves rhythmically.

Eggman snatched the glasses back, "These are priceless cobalt lense pince-nez-!"

"Woah, your eyes are scary!"

Eggman waved his hoof dismissively, shooing the pink pony away and grumbling about insolent pony scum and genocide of everything pink as he carefully replaced the lenses on his face. "Better," he breathed, turning back to Pinkie Pie and gesturing grandly, "Now, then, behOLD-!"

"Looks like somebody's a little grumpy-kins," Pinkie Pie said in a sing-songy voice, scrunching up her muzzle to imitate Eggman's steely frown of hatred, "I know just what you need!"

"What I need," Eggman rebutted, gesturing grandly again as he continued, "is all to behOLD-!"

"Why would you want everyone to be old?" Pinkie Pie interrupted again, "No, what you need is-,"

"Not 'be old'," Eggman corrected in a huff, "BehOLD-!"

"A party!" Pinkie Pie cheered. She suddenly threw her hooves to her face and gasped, "I'm not ready for it!" she turned back to eggman and urged cheerfully, "Wait right here, I'll go get stuff!" and she zoomed off faster than what seemed possible.

Eggman stood, hands still held outward grandly, "The ultimate...lifeform, your new..ruler," he finished weakly to no audience. He fell backwards into an opportunely placed chair, rubbing his forehead with his hoof, "Oh, I certainly hope that's the only one of that pink pestilence on this planet."

He heard a ladylike giggle next to him, "Don't worry, she is," another female voice assured.

Eggman turned around to see a white unicorn sitting behind him. "Unicorn...?"

The unicorn gasped, "Oh, how exquisite~!" she sang, swooning dramatically, "Your style is unlike any I've seen before!"

"My style?" Eggman spat.

"Yes!" the unicorn assured, "It's so, so...mechanical! So developed! So post-steampunk-grunge-electric-techno-regression!"

Eggman stared at her, silently deciding upon a second genocide of all white unicorns after his genocide of everything pink.

The unicorn zipped around the table, sliding her hooves over his shoulders, "I simply must borrow this coat so that I can make more!"

"UnhAND me, filthy plebian!" Eggman demanded, shaking the unicorn off and standing back to his feet, "I am Doctor Ivo Robotnik Eggman! I have an IQ of three hundred!"

"And I am Lady Rarity, you brute," the unicorn scoffed, "But, with proper time, I can mold you into a true gentlecolt~!" she swooned again, "Oh, how romantic!"

"Enough of this," Eggman muttered, and he held up his hoof, watching as it sunk into his leg and machinery extended out of his body, clicking and hissing as a large gun mechanized into place where his hoof was, "Now, get a load of this!" he said, turning and blasting a nearby hay bale into oblivion, replacing it with a pile of blackened ash and soot.

Rarity shrieked and ran away, her hooves clopping delicately on the ground.

Eggman smiled grimly, relishing the fear he was inspiring in that pesky unicorn's undeveloped, unequipped mind.

"That was sooooo awesome!" another, tomboyish voice behind him squeed, "You made that thing explode! Sheyoom, Ka-pshhhhh!" she said, emulating the sound of the gun and explosion.

Eggman turned around yet again to find a blue-

Blue!

He instinctively raised his gun and shot at the thing, eagerly anticipating the sounds of sizzling flesh.

But the blue pegasus expertly dodged the energy blast. "Woah!" she yelped, "Hey! What's your bucking problem?!"

Eggman's eyes travelled up the blue pegasus's very nonhedgehog body and rainbow tinted mane. "Sorry, I thought you were someone else."

"Somepony else," the pegasus corrected.

"I will murder you,"

"Alright! Alright, jeez," the rainbow mane said, "Whatever," she said dismissively, dashing off through the air at near Sonic speeds.

Sonic!

Eggman sat back down, grumbling and grunting and making more genocide plans. Perhaps he should just call down the Egg Fleet and raze this planet with salt and fire.

But no, not yet. The ponies he'd met thus far have been nuisances, but nothing that would stand a chance against his might.

A conquering was in their future yet.