Entertainment for Immortals

by Tailgate

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Human
Length: 2537

Discord sends a time traveler on his way to Equestria to carry out a simple task.

For "The Most Dangerous Game" contest

Discord grabs a time traveler during his journey through a slipstream to alleviate some of his immortal boredom by carrying out a simple task.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2014-06-28 01:30:02 UTC

Omnispar

        A man clad in a black leather trench coat and dark pants stepped to the edge of the skyscraper. He set a foot on the small lip and peered over the edge. The streets below were active with pedestrians and vehicles easily visible in the cities streetlights despite the darkness of the night.

        “It’s time Omnispar.”

        A similarly-dressed man took a place besides the original. His black neck-length hair blew in the wind. He slid on a pair of goggles and tapped a watch on his hand. The watch lit up in a neon green glow.

        Omnispar turned his back towards the edge of the roof and crossed his arms. With a final nod to his comrade he let himself tilt over the edge. He kept his body rigid and his head tilted upwards as he fell towards the streets located thirty two stories below.

        Ten stories past his fall a light sheen became visible around Omnispar as the air warped around his body. The light grew in intensity with each meter closer to the ground. A woman below screamed and pointed at Omnispar.

        Omnispar looked down at his watch. He estimated he had twelve seconds before he hit the ground. He positioned a hand over his watch and grew concerned at his rate of falling.

        “I swear if th-” His watch lost its green glow, but it was quickly replaced with a red one. Omnispar slammed his hand on the watch and his vision was engulfed by swirling purple plasma. His body lurched to a stop and the plasma drained from his vision only to be replaced by an endless void.

        Two creatures became present in the void. One being Omnispar himself and the other being a mismatch of various creatures, a draconequus. The draconequus slithered around Omnispar and lifted a talon to his chin.

        “Oh, I hope you don’t mind taking a detour. I have a job for you.”

        Omnispar found himself examining the creature around him, not shocked at finding another sentient species besides human, rather, he was curious about this creature.

        “What do you need? Whatever it is will have to be quick, I have a job to do.”

        The draconequus waved a paw at Omnispar and rolled his eyes.

        “Yes, yes. I know you have to go back to the past, stop the invasion, etcetera etcetera. I’ll send you back on the path to your destination as soon as you help me have a little fun. Alright?”

        Omnispar lifted an eyebrow and replied, “Okay… What do I have to do? Also what shall I call you?”

        The draconequus squealed in joy and floated a bit higher in the air. He snapped his fingers and Omnispar’s face blanked out.

        “Wonderful! You can call me Discord! You will now listen and do as I say, Omnispar.”

        Discord lowered himself again and pulled out a pointer stick and a presentation pad. He flipped the first page and pointed at two equine figures on the pad. The obvious difference between the two were the colors of their coats. The first had a white coat, the other a dark blue coat.

        “Quick history lesson. The land I will be sending you to is called Equestria. It is ruled over by two fat- I mean plump mares called alicorns. They have both horns and wings. Their names are Celestia and Luna.”

        He flipped the page which contained a picture of each of the subspecies of ponies.

        “They rule over ponies which consist of” -Discord snaps the pointer to each- “ pegasi, unicorns, and earth ponies.”

        He flips to the next page. On the page are six symbols.

        “These are the elements of ‘harmony’” -discord chuckles- ” the best part about them is that they are not harmonic at all, rather they are artifacts of chaos created by me a few thousand years back to give to the alicorns I showed you earlier. They believed that the elements would imprison me, which really, I faked.

“Nevertheless, each element corresponds to a pony in this one group of friends for absolutely no reason at all and those friends work together with the ‘magic of friendship’ and the elements to randomly affect their target after shooting out a rainbow stream.

        “Now your job is to wield a new element, the element of tolerance. You will appear in the town and will be confronted by the elements. They will be wearing the other six elements and a necklace I will be giving you will be your element. After the initial confrontation, you will act as an intolerant douche to the ponies until they snap, got it?”

        Omnispar blankly stared at Discord.

        “Uh- can you repeat that?”

        Discord facepalmed and sighed, “Just show up and act like an asshole the entire time.”

        Omnispar grew a grin that could outmatch a disease-ridden orphan who received news of a cure.

        “I can do that!”

        Discord vanished and the void was replaced with cottages and a few more unique buildings, one of which was a life-sized gingerbread house. Omnispar found himself in the middle of a large group of the ponies Discord had mentioned earlier.

He also felt a weight on his chest and looked down to check out the pendant Discord gave him. He lifted it off of his chest and stared at it. The pendant he held carried a gold circle and centered in the circle was a swastika carved from ruby.

        “So much for being tolerant.”

        At the sound of his voice the ponies around him finally took notice of the tall and threatening-looking creature standing in the center of their town.

        “Ahh! Everypony for herself!” A turquoise unicorn mare ran screaming away from Omnispar. One of the pegasi in the crowd flew off in a rainbow streak towards some giant tree.

        Omnispar just stood still while the ponies went through their varied reactions. The commotion brought other ponies out from their houses and from elsewhere as more and more of them grouped up around Omnispar.

        Omnispar smiled weakly and waved a hand. “He-”

        “He’s going to eat us!” A few more ponies ran off screaming at the sight of his canines poking out.

        Omnispar sighed and sat down on the road beneath him. Eventually, a purple unicorn mare ran through the gathering of ponies and stopped in front of him. The mare was wearing a tiara with a giant pink star on top of it.

        “Stop creature! What are you doing in our town!?”

        Five other ponies pushed through the crowd behind her. Two pegasi, another unicorn, and two earth ponies. Each of them wore a necklace with their respective symbols from the chart before that they also had as some sort of ass tattoo. The ponies gasped as Omnispar stood back up and motioned his hands as if straightening a tie.

        “I’ve come under Celestia’s orders to ensure that this town rids itself of its local population of hicks.”

         The purple mare’s mouth practically hit the floor and from behind her a orange mare earth pony stepped forward.

        “I don’t believe he’s telling the truth, Twilight. Something’s off with him.”

        The mare stepped back to join her other four friends while Twilight regained her composure and shoved her face close to Omnispar.

        “The princess would never say something like that! You must be evil! Taste the power of the elements of harmony!”

        Twilight’s tiara along with her five friend’s necklaces and my own lit up. Twilight’s eyes glazed over and light shone out as if they were flashlights. Omnispar laughed at that while she lifted off the ground. It looked like someone tied a rope around her waist and used a pulley to lift her by the way her body was sagging.

        Twilight stopped rising and each piece of jewelry they wore shot out a single color of the rainbow, including Omnispar’s, into the air where they twirled around each other until the colors were in the respective position. The stream reached it’s peak and splashed itself over Omnispar.

        His shrill scream pierced the air as the rainbow engulfed his entire body. The rainbow slowly dissipated and revealed a bright red alicorn. Omnispar’s new body had a black mane and tail and a cutie mark in the form of a black swastika centered in a white circle.

        Omnispar stretched parts of his new body and once he felt sure he could move without falling on his ass, he lifted a hoof to the sky and proudly stated, “I am the element of tolerance!”

        Twilight’s eyes returned to their normal state and she fell onto her back while the other ponies just gasped.

        “A new princess!” One yelled.

        The ponies, besides the five that stood in front of him and the one flat on her back, bowed to Omnispar.

        “Wait- a princess?” He ducked his head in between his front legs and checked himself. He sighed in relief and removed his head from in between his legs.

        “Oh come the fuck on! Princess my ass!”

        He looked back at the shocked ponies in front of him. Twilight had gotten back on her hooves and was backing away from Omnispar. Once she passed her friends she turned out and started running through the crowd. She twisted her head upwards and screamed, “Princess Celestiaaa!”

        Omnispar tried shrugging but instead fell on his face. One of Twilight’s companions, a pink earth pony, pointed at him and laughed. Omnispar pulled himself back up and glared at her until she shut up.

        Another of her friends, a light blue pegasus with a rainbow mane stated, “There’s no way you’re an element! We don’t even know you!”

        “Well Skittles, maybe you be more tolerant of me and at least try to get to know me. Besides, you fucked a leprechaun for his rainbow and you’re an element. Why can’t I be one?”

        The pegasus glared at him. “You aren’t one of our friends! The elements work only with the power of friendship! You will never be our friend!”

        Omnispar waved a hoof. “Have you even tried befriending me? I thought you guys were all about making friends.”

“We’re only friends with other ponies!”

Omnispar motioned to himself with a hoof. “Well, ain’t that fantastic! I am a pony now, aren’t I?”

        The blue pegasus started grinding her teeth and she took off towards the opening where Twilight had fled through.

        A yellow pegasus bent her head down and took a step towards Omnispar. “I’ll be your friend.”

        Omnispar rubbed his chin and examined the pegasus, “Yaa- No. I’m not being friends with a pony with such an ugly color scheme.”

        The orange mare from earlier raised her voice, “Hey! No one talks to Fluttershy that way!”

        “Too bad, I don’t like any of you.”

        Omnispar flexed his wings and decided to not try flying, mainly because he would probably break something, namely himself. He trotted through the crowd like moses as the ponies split apart like the red sea. He started walking in a random direction after passing the last pony in the crowd.

        The orange pony he spoke with yelled out from behind him, “Get back here this instant! You better not make me come and drag you back!”

        Omnispar quickly worked himself into a run to try and get away from the orange mare chasing him.

Pop.

        Omnispar slammed into a giant mass of white fur as him and the just-arrived-by-teleportation Celestia tumbled over. Luna jumped to Celestia’s aid and her horn lit up.

        “Thou dareth strike our sister! Thou art a fool, be gone!”

        Omnispar found himself falling and face planted into the ground. He pulled himself up and scanned his surroundings only to find a barren grey landscape with the occasional crater.

        “What the hell, where am I?”

        He looked up and instead of seeing the blue sky from before, he found himself staring into space and towards a blue planet with several green landmasses.

        “Oh come the fuck on.”

        He sat on his haunches and glared at the planet above him as if it would give in to his demands of freedom.

        “God damn princess bullshit- Hey Discord! Does this count as making them snap?!”

No.

        Omnispar looked around to find the source of his reply and saw no one. He sighed and continued his quest to intimidate the planet he orbited around.

        As quick as he arrived, he once again found himself in a new place, except this place was inside a throne room decorated with emblems of the sun and moon. In front of him, Celestia and Luna sat on their haunches.

        “Oh shit! Fuck you crazy mares!” Omnispar ran towards and window and defenestrated himself. He expected to sail out some tower, but instead found himself once again face planting into the ground.

        He lifted his head up and spit out some dirt.

        “God damn ground level rooms and fuck these ponies.”

        A dark blue haze formed around him and he was lifted and carried back into the throne room.  The haze disappeared and he hit the ground again.

        Celestia trotted to him.

        “Why do you insult my ponies, and who are you?”

        “Call me Omnispar, also your ponies are assholes. They tried cleansing me of my sins or some bull shit like that using their elements of harmony which revealed” -He pointed a hoof at his pendant- “that I am the element of tolerance.”

        Luna’s fur bristled and she hissed, “Thou art a silver-tongued snake!”

        Celestia lifted a hoof to silence Luna.

        “I’ll handle this sister. Now, Omnispar, everypony knows there is no such thing as a seventh element of harmony.”

        “Tell that to my element, while I’m not denying it is a stupid ass idea to have a seventh element, nevertheless any at all, I don’t exactly even want it. This world is full of lunatic horses who’ve not even tried to be tolerant of our differences. Not once. So I do believe I am the most tolerant one here and that you all should go jump off a bridge.”

        Luna shoved her face close to Omnispar. “Thou shalt be banis-” Omnispar used his hoof to point behind Luna, “Hey look a distraction!”

        Both of the princesses snapped their heads back to see what he was pointing at while Omnispar once again defenestrated himself. This time he was prepared to hit the ground and he caught himself from falling over. He sprinted through the garden only to find himself enclosed from the castle on all four sides.

        “Shit- Discord, how do I get out of here?”

        Heat blazed from the shattered window as an explosion was set off and the castle walls crumbled down to reveal a flaming Celestia.

        “Oh shit- oh shit! Discord get me the hell out of here!”

Fine, fine. You have caused enough chaos, the political ramifications are going to be great!

        Omnispar once again found himself in the void. He was returned to his original human form along with his usual personality.

        “Ugh- Thank you Discord. Now can you send me on my way?”

Of course, you held your side of the bargain, so shall I.

        A snap could be heard and Omnispar once again found himself engulfed in the plasma, finally on his destination.