Why Carrot Top Should Never Ever Write FanFiction
That's A Sexual Violation, That Is
Octavia glared at Carrot Top who relentlessly poked her purple treble clef cutie mark.
"Will you stop that? That's a sexual violation, that is."
"But I'm bored," whined Carrot Top.
"So go write a fan fiction about my personal life or something, but piss off!"
Carrot Top opened her green eyes wide and the cogs in her small brain began to turn.
"That's it, I'm moving."
Octavia stalked off, making her first mistake of the day, which was leaving her mentally unadvanced room mate alone in the room. Carrot Top laid out a stack of paper and a fresh box of crayons and began drawing. In the next room, Octavia was on the phone with her friend from the Anthropology department.
"Look, can't you send somepony around and pick her up? She won't stop making sexual advances on me, replacing my cupcakes- yes cupcakes- and muffins with health food such as carrot cake. No, don't tell Pinkie Pie. Look, can't you just do something?"
"Octavia, where are the cutty cutty knives?"
"Kitchen cabinet, bottom drawer, right segment."
Carrot Top left the room and continued her quest for the fan fiction of Octavia's life. She then found a pair of blood covered knives, with a picture of that cute white unicorn, with the 3d glasses. On the bottom of the picture somepony wrote next. She exited the room and sat down to write her story. She and Octavia had seen a lot of movies, and they always had the best ideas. She somehow wrote out the story and drew the pictures, despite being an earth pony. Really, how do they pull it off? Do their hooves have spikes on them or something? Anyways, in under five minutes she wrote out a two page fan fiction along with pictures for each scene.
"Yes, I know you're only an anthropologist, but can't you do something? Surely you know somepony who can fix her up? Bon Bon? what does she know? She's just a-no, sorry, I'm just really stressed out now."
"Octavia, I finished my fan fiction."
"Ok."
"Can we invite all your friends over for a viewing party?"
"I can arrange that."
"Tonight?"
"That sounds good."
"Yay!"
Octavia hung up on Lyra, knowing that Carrot Top would no longer be her semi-deranged roommate.
"Octavia, where is the film projector?"
"What now?"
"For the viewing party."
"Yes, in the she-wait, what?"
"You said that I could show my completed fan fiction of your life tonight and show all your friends."
Octavia paused. Tonight was when Lyra said the mare was coming around to pick up Carrot Top.
"Ok, but-"
"Oops!"
Half of Octavia's living room was now on fire.
"-Be careful..."
"Oka-oops!"
Now, Carrot Top had single-handedly destroyed Octavia's cello with nothing but a pickled herring.
"The worse part is that I am allergic to pickled herrings," Octavia mumbled, "Carrot Top, sit down and do nothing."
"When can I do something?"
"When you do something."
"Oh, ok!" Carrot Top chuckled slightly. Octavia was so, so smart about that sort of thing. She then thought about who she wanted to invite to the party. Lyra, Vinyl, Toothpaste mane, Roseluck, and Berry Punches! Or was it Puncher? Punchey? Pinch? Puncharoo? For a full two hours, Carrot Top sat there and wondered what the rest of Berry's name was. Then she distantly noticed that something was saying her name over and over.
"CARROT TOP! GOLDEN HARVEST! THAT EARTH PONY IN SCENE TWENTY FOUR! CARROT TOP!"
"W-"
"Don't talk."
"Wh-"
"I said, don't say a word." Octavia waited a minute or two until she was sure that Carrot Top would shut up.
"Anyways, I've invited everypony over. They will be here in fifteen minutes.
"How di-"
"You talk in your sleep. Oh, her full name is Berry Punch. Now go get your fan fiction ready or whatever."
Carrot Top went to the backyard with a boxful of paper figures and a twenty page script.
"Hello, hello, nice to see you! How are you today? Fine, fine. Oh Lyra, is the mare here?"
"See the gray one?"
"Thank you."
Octavia made her way to a gray pegasus with a bubble butt. (Literally and figuratively.)
"Miss Ditzy Doo?"
The mare spun around to show off a set of crossed eyes.
"It's Miss Octavia, am I correct? Oh, and it's Derpy. You're mistaking me for somepony else."
"The mail mare?"
"Yes."
"But you take in nutcases."
"Yes."
"But-"
"I have many side jobs."
Her monotone voice completely took aback Octavia.
"Aren't you the one that completely destroyed the town hall?"
"That was also my clone, Ditzy Doo."
An awkward silence followed.
"I make clones and recolors of everypony. If I didn't, Equestria would have the population of forty two."
"I see. Can you take her tonight?"
"Depends. How bad is the situation?"
"She accidentally killed Tirek with a crayon and brought him back to life with a calculator."
"I'd take her now, but the fan fiction sounds like something worth investing time in."
"Sadly, yes."
Carrot Top ushered the small group outside and began her long awaited fan fiction.
The Fan Fiction That Should Have Never Been: A Satire
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Why Carrot Top Should Never Ever Write FanFiction
The Fan Fiction That Should Have Never Been: A Satire
"Once upon a time in the magical and of Elet Mina, there lived a pony named Octavia. She made music come from rubber bands and wood. She also knew of a magical brown liquid that made her sing in the bathtub while crying. One day she traveled to the distant land of Mant Er Lat, and there she saw the most beautiful mare known to ponykind. Her name was Vinyl Scratch. She could take circles and have beautiful music come out of it.
Instantly, Octavia fell in love with her, but realized that she would have to go on a quest of epic proportions, in order to gain the love of the fair Vinyl Scratch. (At this point, Vinyl Scratch began to sneak her hoof to Octavia's hind leg.) But in order to do so, she would need a companion, a loyal and kind companion, who was also fuzzy and warm. (Now, Vinyl Scratch was nursing a large red welt on her cheek, after unsuccessfully hitting on Octavia.) So she found a kitty by the name of Mr. Tittles, and they went off on the quest for the love of Vinyl Scratch. Mr. Tittles and Octavia traveled to the Sea of Monsters, where they fought the dreaded vogon race and left aloft a giant dragon by the name of Smaug, who name pronunciation is unknown. Then, they found the one ring and used it to power the Death Star in order to blow up the White Witches Ice Castle. They then left after the resulting explosion, and met up with the president of the universe who turned out to be an evil demon by the name of John Cleese. They then befriended him and killed him in his sleep with a light saber topped with the Arkenstone. Then, Mr Tittles discovered that John Cleese was in fact, his father, but her killed him anyways after watching eat Attila the bun. Then, Frodo Baggins kidnapped Octavia and demanded the key to the fairy relem. But Mr. Tittles tricked him with a brass key found in a broken down antique shop. But the key was the key to the codex that could destroy the world.
Frodo Baggins found out and used it to open the portal to the Transformers hideout, but Hitler won the key in a duel against Frodo. Hitler opened the portal and was taken by surprise by Mr. Tittles, but Octavia fought Hitler to the death for the key and codex. They fell into a dead volcano and died when they scared Spock. Mr. Tittles found her body and went to the underworld to bargain for her soul back. Hades demanded the soul of the Cookie Monster and gave Octavia's soul back. Mr. Tittles and Octavia traveled to the land of Pepperland for the element of magic in order to power the clockwork doll they stole from Hugo when he died. But they were blocked by the evil Enderman of Krypton who wanted to use the element of magic for a salad topping. But by using the sacred creeper of Queen Elizabeth the Seventeenth, they blew up the Enderman and found the Powerpuff Girls who were defeated by the Ice King on steroids. With no end of the icy madness in sight, Mr. Tittles and Octavia found Princess Peach and King Kandy. But in order to destroy the marshmallow demon, they fused together to form Princess Kandy and King Peach. But they died while killing the Ice King. Mr. Tittles then stored their soul in a mayonnaise jar in hall eighty-seven in his Freak Show Emporium.
Then, Octavia and Mr. Tittles discovered a ransom note for the lovely Vinyl Scratch. Al Capone and Venom had her tied up over a trash compacter and would drop her unless Octavia gave up her bow tie of power. Octavia then was about to give it to them in return for her love, until Mr. Tittles burst in and wielded the most powerful weapon known to mankind and ponykind. A kill-o-zap. Unfortunately for them, Al Capone and Venom found themselves on the wrong end of it and were blasted away into the night. But then, upon kissing Vinyl Scratch, Octavia discovered that it was, in fact, not the real Vinyl Scratch, but a robot. A recording played, stating that Darth Maul had Vinyl Scratch at the Fortress of Ultimate Darkness. So Mr. Tittles carried Octavia carried her there and armed with a jar of jarate, and destroyed him within seconds. Then, Octavia proclaimed her love for Vinyl Scratch and immediately made out. But Mr. Tittles also loved Octavia and entered a duel to the death with Vinyl Scratch. Vinyl Scratch took out her gun of ultimate wub and tolerance to destroy Mr. Tittles. Octavia then said that she loved them both. So Mr. Tittles and Vinyl Scratch married Octavia and moved into a bathtub in Birmingham and lived happily ever after."
Why Carrot Top Should Never Ever Write FanFiction
Go Home, Berry Punch, You're Drunk
Carrot Top finished her fan fiction and waited for applause. But instead, she got shocked silence.
“...You ship me...”
“With her?”
“A lazy, messy-”
“Boring, uptight-”
“DJ?”
“Cellist?”
Carrot Top nodded happily.
“I for one, found it to be very entertaining,” intoned Roseluck. The other ponies nodded and an obviously drunken Berry Punch made her way to the shocked pair and tried to make them kiss.
“Go home, Berry Punch, you're drunk.”
“Okay,” and she stumbled to Minuette and started to beg a ride home from her.
Derpy walked up to Octavia with a grim expression.
“I have all her stuff packed up. I can pick her up now, if you like. I have Ditzy preparing the home and Dinky.”
Octavia looked at Carrot Top.
Maybe she wasn’t such a bad mare after all. She was just trying to help.
Octavia opened her mouth to reply, but was interrupted by by Carrot Top.
“Oh. Octavia. Sorry about the...uh...cello.”
“That's okay, Carrot Top. In fact, I've even found a new, rent free home for you!”
“Really?!”
“Derpy began to speak, “Oh yeah, it's gonna be so fun!”
Octavia gave Derpy a confused look.
“Lulls the patients into a sense of security, if you're fun and enjoyable.”
“Ah.”
Octavia watched the curious pair walk away and spun around when she felt a tap on the back.
“Vinyl.”
“Hey, uh, that fan fiction was pretty crazy, huh?”
“Yes.”
“So, uh, do you want to, like, hang out later?”
Octavia looked behind Vinyl.
“Berry Punch put you up to this, didn't she.”
“Ye-no!”
“I guess so. Nine, tomorrow?”
“Awesome!”
The next pony to speak to her was Lyra.
“So now that you've got Carrot Top to go away, what now?”
“I suppose I'll find a new roommate.”
“Oh really? They might not want to shack up with you after the events of tonight.”
“What did you do now?”
“Oh, I read her fan fiction ahead of time and told everypony that you are currently dating Vinyl Scratch.”
“Wh-I am not!”
“Wanna bet?”
Six Months Later
Lyra woke up with the morning sun in her eyes.
“Ugh. Who'd text me now?”
She picked up the phone and noticed it was from Octavia.
It read: Lyra you owe me twenty bits. In six hours I will see it on my desk in the history department.
