By The Power Of Patriotism!

by RainbowBob

Rating: teen
Tags: Other, Princess Luna, Comedy, Princess Celestia, Human, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark
Length: 7562

When the Fourth of July arrives, Celestia prepares for her annual battle against George Washington to prevent the end of the world. But when Twilight interrupts their battle, the Element of Patriotism must join his enemies to save Equestria.

When the Fourth of July arrives, Celestia prepares for her annual battle against George Washington to prevent the end of Equestria as we know it. But when Twilight interrupts their battle, the Element of Patriotism must join his enemies to save the world, lest it all go up in flames.

Big thanks to the editing help of Titanium Dragon and prereading from Skeeter The Lurker!

Entry into The Most Dangerous Game under the prompts Human in Equestria and a Seventh Element of Harmony.

Cover art found at the powerfully patriotic artist known as SharpWriter.

Published 2014-06-28 05:00:05 UTC
Last updated 2014-06-28 05:00:05 UTC

Chapter 1: Before The Storm

Fourth of July. Just any other date on the calendar for any typical pony. Stuck in the middle of the summer just like any other day with absolutely no significance. But for Celestia, it was different. For her, this day meant more than anything in the entire world. Since, well, all things considered, it could very well end the world as we know it.

So, to prepare, Celestia adjusted the buckles on her armor and made sure it was tight. A bit too tight around the thigh and rear end area, perhaps from an over-consumption of sweets without rigorous exercise taken into consideration, but it would do. There was always resizing, which in retrospect was easier than working out in the first place.

Staring at herself in the mirror, Celestia smirked. Golden armor polished to a glimmering sheen, her mane was neatly tucked into her helmet, and her coat was freshly washed and brushed to a healthy glow. Of course, this was all going to change with her being covered in grit and blood in only a few short hours, but hot damn did she look fine!

Luna passed by Celestia’s room in an easy-going trot, nonchalantly glancing inside and taking note of Celestia appreciating her own reflection. Smiling snidely, Luna lurked closely until she was directly behind her sister. “So, sister, you out on a hot date tonight?”

“If a date with death itself is considered hot, then sure,” Celestia replied without breaking stride. She grabbed her sword with her magic from her nightstand table and removed the blade from its scabbard. The blade reflected the faint light from the room in a beautiful imitation of a rainbow, its double edges sharpened to a fine point that it cut through the air itself when she took a swing—literally cut air molecules in half. Satisfied, she sheathed her sword and attached it to her side. “It is the fourth of July, after all.”

Luna’s snide smile quickly shattered, her eyes widening considerably as her pupils retracted to tiny pinpricks. “Wait, today is that day? Why didn’t anyone tell me?”

“All things considered, I’d think you of all ponies would have remembered it.”

Luna groaned. “I’ve been trapped on the moon for the past thousand years and I work night shift! Of course I don’t know the specific date all the time!”

“Then buy a calendar.”

“Forget it. I have bigger problems to deal with.” Luna walked back to the door, stopped, then turned back to Celestia and asked, “You remember where my space helmet is?”

“I think you left it in the laundry room, last time I checked.”

“Thanks!” Luna trotted away from the doorway, only to reappear a moment later, sticking her head back inside. “Oh, and Twilight arrived sometime earlier. Wanted to know where you were.”

Celestia blinked, breaking away from the stunning figure reflected in the mirror to face her sister. “Wait, why?”

“Apparently another princess issue,” Luna said, turning tail right away. “Good luck with preventing the end of the world! I hope you’re still alive!”

“Damnit. I gave her that princess title so that she wouldn’t have to bug me with letters all the time. And then her own damn castle so she’d have others to pester.” Celestia sighed, feeling the telltale signs of anxiety creep up her spine at the mere mention of Twilight arriving shortly. “Okay, Celestia, just relax. It’s just your best student and newly appointed princess coming over for a short chat. I’m sure I can answer whatever question she has before I’m needed to prevent the apocalypse.”

"Princess Celestia!" Twilight shouted as she burst into the room. "I have an emergency on my hooves and I desperately need your help!"

"Join the club, Twilight." Celestia paused, as if in thought. "Wait, you already did."

Twilight stared up at her blankly, tilting her head slightly.

"Because of... the wings... princess..." Celestia sighed. "Never mind. There’s a reason the Element of Laughter was never my forte. What can I do for you, Twilight?”

“Well, I was going to ask something essential for the runnings of my kingdom to its topmost performance, but now I’m wondering why you’re dressed in armor?” Twilight glanced furtively around the room, backing away slowly. “Did I… interrupt something private?”

Celestia smiled fondly. “What ever do you mean?”

Twilight shrugged, a slight blush appearing on her cheeks. “Well, usually when you’re dressed like that it’s either for combat or some weird type of foreplay.”

Celestia's smile vanished, quickly replaced with a frown. “I beg your pardon?”

“I’ve only heard about it myself—maybe read about it from a few sources—but it does typically involve roleplaying in a costume of some sort and then enacting in debaucherous behavior with a significant other.” Twilight’s eyes scanned the room once more. “I’m just wondering where the ‘significant other’ is. Unless this is a chiefly solitary affair, which is also not too unusual and from what I’ve heard can help stimulate—”

“Twilight, please stop telling me about the articles you read in Playcolt,” Celestia said, her face fully enveloped in her hooves.

“Hey, I only read that magazine for the—oh, right, the articles.” Twilight coughed into her hoof, the awkward silence in the air hanging like a fog that slowly choked the room’s occupants in uncomfortableness.

“So… princess emergency?” Celestia asked, shattering the silence like a brick through a glass jaw.

“Oh, yeah, right, princess emergency.” Twilight stood up straighter. “Princess Celestia, how does one go about enacting a book tax?”

“Book tax?”

“Well, ever since the library got blown up, I’ve had to use my own funds on starting a new library in the castle. Unfortunately, books are very expensive, and the ones I do buy are quickly destroyed by the citizenry. Pages torn out, books dipped into spaghetti sauce, jam used as bookmarks! I don’t even know why they thought that was practical, but they did it anyhow!” Twilight’s smile grew to incredibly large sizes, along with her eyes, taking over half her face. “So… I was just wondering if it’d be possible to institute a tax on handling books?”

“Let me be clear on this: you want the crown to charge bits each time a pony touches a book?” Celestia asked.

Twilight nodded, her eyes positively sparkling with eagerness. “Books are to be treasured and loved. Whoever harms them deserves the strictest of punishments. Like being sent to Tartarus.” Twilight frowned momentarily and huffed under her breath. “But my friends said that’d only lead to a massive civil revolt. So taxing is the next best thing.”

“Um…” Celestia looked out her window, noting the sun sinking towards the horizon. She sighed to herself. Normally, this wasn't a problem; if she needed an extra five minutes of sleep in the morning—or fifteen minutes on occasion, with the odd half or full hour, and the rare six hour snooze after a particularly taxing day—holding back the sun would do little to avert this catastrophe. “Twilight, would you mind if we do a rain check on this? I have more pressing matters to deal with currently.”

“Does this have to do why you’re dressed up to enact in carnal activities?” Twilight asked.

“No, this has nothing to do with that!”

“Oh, so this is for after those pressing matters?”

Celestia groaned. “No, yes, just… I need this armor to deal with those pressing matters that are not of any sexual nature at all.”

“Oooh, can I help?” Twilight asked eagerly.

“Sorry to say, Twilight, but you cannot.” Celestia stepped forward to strike a pose in front of the window, her horn glowing for a moment to adjust the sun so that its rays shimmered off her armor dramatically. “For my duty right now is a yearly event of the utmost importance that only I can handle, lest the world itself ends.”

Twilight’s ears drooped and her head was downcast. “Aww, but I saved the world a bunch of times. Like… I’m pretty sure around three or four, maybe five.”

“It definitely wasn’t five.” Celestia bent down to pat her on the head, but then thought better of it and transitioned into a reassuring hug. “And don’t you worry. I’ll be back by tonight, unless I perish and all live in the world is extinguished.”

“That’s not exactly reassuring,” Twilight muttered, staring down at her hooves.

“It just needs to distract you long enough for me to escape through this window,” Celestia said, already jumping into the twilight sky with her wings unfurled. “Don’t wait up for me!”

Twilight approached the window, standing there and watching as Celestia flew upwards, disappearing into the clouds above. Twilight hummed to herself for a moment before smirking, gathering herself before springing out the window after her mentor, her wings spread regally... only to nearly crash into the ground as she rapidly began to sink down towards it, flapping her wings and rather spoiling the effect as she struggled up into the sky after the elder princess.

Chapter 2: Clash Of Titans

“Late. Again? Sheesh, every year this happens and I’m stuck in the hot, stuffy armor waiting for him!” Celestia said, pacing before the Tree of Harmony. The heavenly body of all harmony in Equestria glowed in its multitude of shimmering colors, the plant itself almost blinding to stare directly at. Deep in the canyon, so late in the day, it was the only source of illumination.“It’s nearly time, and he still hasn’t arrived.”Celestia stamped her hoof into the dirt and snorted.

From the corner of her eye, a glimmer of light caught her attention. Looking up into the sky, she saw it - he was finally here, it seemed. Slowly the mote descended, sparks of red, white, and blue falling down to the canyon floor below before it finally settled into place on the ground.

"I see you have finally arrived," she said, standing tall.

Only silence greeted her.

"Hello?"

Nothing.

Celestia slowly stepped forward one step towards the mote, then another, only to jerk backwards as it exploded violently in a shower of sparks, whirling flames shooting up into the sky with a loud whistle as thick smoke poured up from the floor of the canyon.

A figure slowly emerged from the smoke, coughing as he waved one hand in front of his face, then jerking in alarm as several of the sparks fell on his coat, brushing them away as it began to smoke. As the fireworks died down behind him, he straightened up to his full height, a full head taller than Celestia. Carefully, he reached up to dust off some stray powder from his hair, before his hands fell down to straighten his coat, the blue surface somehow immaculate despite his ignominious arrival. He reached down slowly to his side, his fingers wrapping around the pommel of his sword as he drew it forth, leveling it before his face as the golden pads on his shoulders glimmered in the dim light.

“Well, better late than never, eh, George Washington?” Celestia called out. “You had me worried I wouldn’t be seeing you.”

“You’ll be forever doomed to confront the face of freedom each Fourth of July, Celestia. No exceptions!” Washington replied, halting before the mare. Standing still with a back as straight as a pole. “Freedom is late for no man—or mare, to be more specific in your case.”

“I wouldn’t have it any other way,” Celestia said. She squared her shoulders, a small smidge of her magic focused on the handle of her sword strapped to her side while the rest of her body was raring to go, like a spring ready to be sprung. “Let us hope you put up more of a fight this time; your performance last year was disappointing.”

Washington smirked, unsheathing his sword and pistol all at once. “Likewise, Celestia,” Washington shouted, leaping forward as his pistol roared loud as thunder. “Likewise!”

Now, while this battle between one of America’s most famous Founding Fathers against the greatest princess in Equestria was indeed quite a marvel to behold, it was something quite more for a certain other princess who had decided to sneak in and observe the battle for herself. Not Luna, who was busy on the moon in her own battle, nor Cadance, who was safely outside the borders of Equestria to care about reincarnated Founding Fathers springing up all over the place. It was Twilight Sparkle who was carefully hidden away to overlook the battle for the very protection of Equestria itself. And her reaction was completely what one would expect when faced with a situation that dealt with their teacher fighting a bipedal figure who dressed strangely and seemed to be able to go toe to toe with said teacher who is supposed to be one of the most powerful ponies in the world. Her jaw hung low, one of her eyelids twitched slightly, and a bug managed to fly into her mouth and back out her nose with no trouble whatsoever.

Washington’s pistol shot bounced off of Celestia’s chest armor. Withdrawing her sword in a stunning display of light, Celestia locked weapons with Washington. With just the merest of touches between the two blades the adversaries were driven back, the shockwave of force so great it was still ringing in intensity to their ears.

“You can’t keep me from the Tree of Harmony forever, Celestia!” Washington warned, as he surged forth once more. Swift as the wind and stronger than a storm, Washington drove back the alicorn with blow after powerful blow. “Year after year I've endured! Battle after battle I have fought to take my rightful place amongst the Elements! My conviction will never waver! My fortitude is unmatched! I will succeed!”

Celestia jerked her head as one of his blows slipped past her blade and struck her across the cheek, blood staining her alabaster coat from a long cut ending an inch from her eye. Growling, she countered, driving her blade straight towards his heart with all her strength; her foe only barely countered, catching her blade at the base of his sword, but the strength of her blow threw him backwards, his boots leaving a furrow in the canyon floor as he struggled to remain on his feet.

“Washington, I’ll never let you join the other Elements!” Celestia stood before the Tree of Harmony, her sword pointed directly at Washington’s chest. “Patriotism has no place in Harmony! Allowing you to join the Elements would throw the country into chaos!"

Washington's face contorted in rage, his twisted gold and ivory dentures exposed in a grimace that would make even the bravest of men tremble quiver in fear. “Do you not understand my pain? My curse? I will only obtain rest when I join with the other Elements! After countless years of this charade did you not even gain an ounce of sympathy for my plight?”

“I know you do not lust for battle, Washington! I understand your pain, that what you have become is not your fault, but an attempt for achieving freedom for yourself and your countrymen. But this is Equestria. It is not your home, not Earth, not the United States, and most of all, not filled with the humans of your own world. I am responsible for it, and if anything was to happen, it would rest on my shoulders to bear those troubles.” Celestia narrowed her eyes, drops of blood dripping like tears from her cheek. “Which is why I can never allow you the solace you seek, for the consequences are too great to imagine.”

Washington nodded. “I thought you would say something like that. But like my fellow countryman Mr. Henry used to say, ‘Give me liberty, or give me death!’” And with that, Washington took a running start at Celestia, his single shot pistol spewing forth an impossible rain of bullets.. Celestia deflected each one in turn, until she was met with the keen edge of Washington’s sword once again, pressed perilously close to her neck. “And we both already know death is no longer an option for me, Celestia, so let it be liberty instead!”

Throwing Washington back, Celestia struck back, every lightning-quick stroke of his sword met by a thrust of her own, the crash of swords and the spark of steel on steel putting any thunderstorm to shame. Sparks flew from their blades as they met in the dance of battle, the sound of steel striking upon steel filling the air like the ringing of bells. Whenever one would seem to gain the upper hand, the other pulled out an extra pocket of strength from somewhere deep within to drive them back with a barrage of attacks that could only barely be contained back. Soon, Celestia’s perfectly polished armor from before was pockmarked with dents and tarnished by scrapes. Washington's attires were almost in tatters, his body bruised and beaten, but the unresisting resilience of the general within never gave up or admitted defeat.

“Just give up, Washington. You are but in control of one Element, while I have power of three!” Celestia shouted, barely heard over the clanging of their swords. She twirled the tip of her blade about and was successful in slashing a wide gash across in chest, his shirt already covered in a copious amount of bloodstains.

With an enraged snarl Washington beat Celestia back, driving her to her knees with a particularly powerful strike that made her blade quiver the force of the blow. “You seem to forget, Celestia, while you have power over three of the Elements, I am an Element!” Holding his arms straight out from his sides, Washington screamed, the heavens tearing themselves asunder. Illuminated in a stunning aurora of red, white, and blue, Washington pointed his sword to the air as an eagle-shaped lightningbolt hit the tip of his blade, charging him in a field of raw power unlike the which anyone has ever seen. “For I am the Element of Patriotism, my blood spilled on countless battlefields in the pursuit of freedom! My might is unmatched and my power truly just! So prepare yourself, Celestia, for what patriotism can really do!”

“Wait, seriously?” Twilight asked, moving out of her hiding place behind the Tree of Harmony. “You’re the Element of Patriotism? How is that even a thing?”

“Twilight?” Celestia called, glancing over her shoulder. “What in blazes are you doing here? This fight is much too dangerous for yo—”

Celestia’s words were cut off by Washington’s mean right hook, the power of the punch lifting her off her hooves for a moment before she crashed to the ground on her side. Jumping over her body, Washington made a mad-dash for the Tree of Harmony. “Patriotism is victorious once again! USA, USA, USA!” Washington laughed, saluting to Twilight as he ran past her.

Twilight was at Celestia’s side in an instant, holding her teacher’s still body in her hooves as tears ran down her cheeks. “No… no, it can’t be! Princess Celestia! Celestia, please, wake up!” Twilight called out, shaking her teacher in a desperate bid to awaken her. Twilight shook Celestia’s head like a ragdoll, nearly dislocating her neck. “No, I can’t lose you like this! Not like this, never like this!” Tears rolled down Twilight’s face like a stream as Celestia remained unresponsive, her tongue splayed out while her black eye twitched involuntarily.

Sniffling, Twilight cradled Celestia’s head, petting her mane slowly as her helmet fell to the ground. Ever so slowly, Twilight closed her eyes and pouted her lips, drawing her face closer to Celestia’s until their lips were nearly touching. That is, until Celestia opened one of her eyes, her first sight being Twilight’s lips nearing her own.

“Whoa, whoa, hold up!” Celestia said, shoving a hoof against Twilight’s face and pushing her back. “I was only ‘dead’ for less than five seconds and you already were trying to kiss me?”

Twilight’s face turned a deep red, sweat instead of tears dripping down her face. “Well, I-I thought it was… was standard procedure for when someone close to you died and… well, you were just laying right there and I—”

“Twilight, you were going to kiss me when you thought I was dead! You know how gross that is? Kissing a corpse? Just… ugh!” Celestia slowly got back to all fours, her balance thrown off but not completely gone. “Okay, we’ll talk about this with a therapist back when we get back home. Where’s Washington?”

Twilight pointed to the Tree of Harmony. “I think over there jumping up and down while fistpumping.”

“Finally, after an eternity of suffering, sweet release shall be mine!” Washington cheered, touching the surface of the Tree of Harmony. The contact enveloped Washington in a halo of illumination, his body quickly dissolving into small orbs of different colored lights that floated up and quickly disappeared in the air. “I’m finally coming home, Lady Liberty, into your sweet bosom of freedom!” And with that, Washington was gone.

“Oh no. Ooooooh no, this is bad,” Celestia whispered.

“How bad?” Twilight asked.

Suddenly, the earth began to shift and crack. With a burst of dirt, a decaying hand burst forth from below, soon joined by a second, then a third, waving around as the ground began to subside, revealing more of the dead things as they struggled to rise.

“Huh. So, the prophesied apocalypse is a horde of zombies?” Celestia said, standing still before the tide of newly awakened undead as she slowly surveyed them. “That’s… pretty anticlimactic, now that I think about it.”

Chapter 3: Rise Of The Redcoats

“Princess Celestia, what are those things?” Twilight asked, shrinking before the field of zombies rising from the grave.

“The British, from what I can presume of their red uniform and tacky wigs,” Celestia replied. A redcoat soldier pulled himself from the ground, his legs still stuck beneath the earth. He pulled each appendage out of the ground and reattached it to his body, gaining a leg up one at a time. “It seems that Washington ascending into the Element Heavens has kicked off a tide of his greatest foe resurrecting from the grave. Not what I had in mind, but still, the zombie angle is interesting.”

Twilight shrieked when she felt a hand grip her hoof. Beating back the zombie until it withdrew back into the earth, Twilight asked, “Can you please explain to me what’s going on? Washington, the Element of Patriotism, the zombies, and what the British even are!?”

“Well, for starters, George Washington was the first President of the United States and one of the Founding Fathers of his nation,” Celestia said. Noticing Twilight’s low hanging jaw and confused expression, Celestia coughed into her hoof. “Well, a simplistic way of explaining this is that Washington is from another world entirely where he led his people in a revolt against their government in obtaining a free nation that didn’t have to listen to orders from a crown.”

“And the Element of Patriotism part?”

“In every world, there is Harmony, Twilight, but not every world is the same. Harmony is more than the Elements, but in our world, Generosity, Laughter, Kindness, Honesty, Loyalty, and, yes, Magic are the most important. They are the ones we need. But in other worlds, there exist other Elements. And on rare occasion, in some worlds, extreme events can give birth to entirely new ones. For Washington, his is the rare case where he actually created a new element, Patriotism, and for his act, he actually became the new element. Washington became immortal; so long as Patriotism lived on in his world, so would he.”

“That still doesn’t explain the part about him arriving here and the army of zombies invading Equestria!”

Thousands upon thousands of zombies had now dug themselves out from the ground, most of them not moving as they stood in a wall of dead flesh and bright red colors.

“I was getting to that. Sheesh, Twilight, wasn’t one of your friendship lessons about patience?” Celestia muttered. “Washington, however, did not want to be immortal, and sought a way to end his life without his Element dying out. The only way to do so was to become one with the Tree of Harmony so that it would accept his Element while he himself would be freed from his burden. But you can't just add a new Element into another world; there must be balance. Something has to balance it out. And thus, you get zombies.”

“That makes absolutely no sense!” Twilight said.

“When magic is involved, you don’t have to make sense,” Celestia replied back dryly. Withdrawing her sword once more, Celestia gestured for Twilight to get behind her. “Anywho, it looks like we need to stop this zombie invasion from getting to the Tree of Harmony and corrupting it with their lich presence so that all life in the world doesn’t become undead.”

“How do you know that?”

Celestia rolled her eyes. “Trust me, after you’ve been Princess of Thirty-Minute Emergencies for as long as I have, this type of thing becomes almost like instinct at this point. Although, I give this particular event props for including zombies.”

Twilight winced when one zombie screeched an unholy noise vaguely similar to a claws against glass mixed with a bone breaking. “Can we actually beat them?”

“Let’s see…” Celestia waited until one zombied lumbered closer to the pair. With one quick swipe, Celestia had cleaved the zombie in two, right down the middle. Before the two sides collapsed, the hands desperately grabbed ahold of each other and drew one side closer to the other until they joined back as one complete piece, with no indication of damage whatsoever. Before the zombie could celebrate this good news, Celestia blasted it of the ground and several yards into the air before it fell with a splat amongst its zombie brethren. “Nope, doesn’t seem like it. Whatever we dish out, they’ll be able to heal back in turn. Immortal zombies are really a pain in the ass.”

“How are you so nonchalant about it?” Twilight asked, who was shaking from pure, spine-quivering terror.

“Well, Harmony wouldn’t just allow itself to be destroyed by Chaos, even if to balance the scales. Eventually, something extremely contrived will arrive soon enough to help us out,” Celestia said with a shrug. “Like I said, I’ve been doing this a long time.”

“Was I the extremely contrived thing that arrived for you when you had to defeat Nightmare Moon?” Twilight asked, puppy-dog eyes returning with a vengeance.

Celestia did her best attempt at a faux grin and patted Twilight’s head. “Of course not, Twilight.” Celestia tapped her hoof impatiently on the ground, glancing all around. “In fact, you’re the least contrived thing I can think of.”

Twilight smiled. “Oh, wow, what a relief. I thought for a second there I was—”

“Waiting for someone?” George Washington asked, stepping out from behind the Tree of Harmony.

“Wow, that was quicker than I thought.”

“Sorry it took me a while. The afterlife has a notorious overbooked list.” Washington grinned, strapping as always with his uniform repaired and a healthy glow having returned to his cheeks. “But let it not be said George Washington won’t help those in need when the redcoat menace pops its head in.”

“Wait, hold up, I’m extremely confused,” Twilight said, holding up a hoof. “Why would you want to help us after Celestia has beaten you every year from obtaining your eternal rest?”

Celestia glared at Twilight. “Twilight, please don’t try to tell the one guy who can actually save us and the rest of Equestria from total annihilation why he shouldn’t help us.”

“No, no, it’s quite alright, Celestia,” Washington told her, holding up a hand. “While I am a bit bitter about the whole endless battle to obtain my rest thing, having finally received it, I know I will miss this world. Fighting the Crown is one of my favorite pastimes, and doing so one last time while helping others couldn’t sound more extraordinary. Plus, it’s the least I can do for bringing them here in the first place by joining with the Tree of Harmony.” From the inner pocket of his coat, Washington withdrew an axe in some unknown glowing substance and a strange looking gun with glowing vials along the side glowing that same sickly green color as the axe.

“Wait, where did you get that?” Twilight asked.

"Not even asking about my hand?" Washington said with a grin, lifting up his arm; what had formerly been flesh and blood was now machine and metal, mechanical fingers clenching into a fist. "Why, from my good friend Benjamin Franklin. Brilliant inventor, and back up top he’s created a vast plethora of deadly weapons and gadgets.” Washington pressed a finger on his robotic hand, the inner machinations activating with whirls and gears clanking until the hand was enveloped in a field of red, white, and blue electricity. Grabbing ahold of his axe with it—the weapon quickly engulfed in the patriotic magical energies from Washington’s robot hand—Washington raised it to the sky and charged at the zombies, his battle cry: “Don’t tread on me, you King-worshipping bastards!”

Twilight and Celestia stared as Washington strode off into the zombie horde, swinging his axe into the nearest shambling redcoat, its head exploding into bloody pulp. An eagle's scream tore through the valley as the multi-hued energy flowed into the zombie, reducing it to nothing more than a pile of dust and bone.

“When does this begin making sense?” Twilight asked.

Celestia rolled her eyes, unfurling her wings to take to the skies. “In the past thousand years, I still haven’t figured out an answer. Good luck to you finding it.”

Twilight pouted, noticing from the stomach-quenching scent of dead flesh she was soon completely surrounded by the unliving wall of zombified British troops. Sighing, she charged up a spell and waited for the first lumbering corpse to draw closer. “In hindsight, I probably should have asked what’s the best way to kill a zombie. Eh, I’ll probably figure it out eventually.”

Chapter 4: Patriotic Duty

Washington blasted the skull of another zombie soldier to green sludge with his plasma gun, soon making short work of the next undead behind him that tried to sneak attack by hacking the walking corpse with his axe in a quick spin and swing. The moment the weapon touched the undead flesh, the zombie exploded into a gory mess before dissipating into ash and bone. Smiling, Washington began to clear a path through the zombies at least three yards wide, axe turning them to dust while his gun turned them into goo as the mindless undead were powerless against his dual weaponry.

Celestia was up overhead, joined by Twilight. The two unleashed blasts of concentrated magic in the undead horde, preventing the zombies from drawing closer to the Tree of Harmony. However, whenever a zombie went down, it was quick to go back to its feet, along with more support by the second. The three were but cardboard against a dam of water, destined to fall apart before the tides could ever turn.

Celestia fell to Washington’s side, hacking and slashing any zombie that drew near with her blade. “Is there any way to defeat them?” she screamed over the din of plasma blasts and undead moans.

“If we could find their leader, perhaps defeating him would defeat this army!” Washington answered back, turning his gun to vaporize a zombie which had been creeping up behind her.

Celestia indicated with her head at her back. “Well then, hop on. I’ll get you to their leader if you can find him.” Looking up at Twilight, Celestia shouted, “Twilight, prevent the zombies from reaching the Tree of Harmony!”

“Wait, are you guys ditching me?”

Washington expertly seated himself atop Celestia’s back, his knees locking themselves tightly with her armored sides. Taking to the skies at a much more sluggish pace due to the extra baggage of Washington, Celestia called out, “No! Yes. Maybe? Just stop them!”

Flying away from Twilight’s whines, Celestia soared over the teeming sea of undead British soldiers, only to realize the air was little defense as they began bringing their weapons to bear. Ancient muskets spat lead bullets at her, while a decaying cannon roared, forcing her to swerve to the side to avoid the shot. Even those without guns were joining in, throwing rocks and decaying limbs up into the air. “We’re not going to last much longer if we’re in the thick of it like this!”

“Just a bit longer!” Washington said. He grabbed ahold of her horn and steered her out of the path of incoming cannonfire. Holding his robotic hand over his eyes, Washington peered over the battlefield. “Aha! I think I can see him!”

“Who?”

“King George himself. Otherwise known as the Mad Monarch,” Washington answered. The King was sitting atop a luxurious throne carried by an entire brigade of decaying British troops, clapping his hands and cheering for the zombies to go faster, the Tree of Harmony nearly within his grasp. “Drop me on top of him.”

“Washington, you’d never survive the fall!” Celestia warned.

Washington picked himself up until both his feet were planted atop Celestia’s backside. “Surviving isn’t what I had in mind. Beating the crap out of the Crown, however, is!” And with that, Washington dove off Celestia’s back, aiming his body directly at King George.

As Washington descended, his Element awakened in its full fury, red, shimmering wings sprouting from his back. Screaming the war cry of freedom itself, Washington landed right atop the Mad Monarch, blasting him with his plasma cannon, shot after shot driving the decaying king from his throne before the gun itself began to melt from the heat. He stood above the gooey mess that was once the King, a crater having formed around the two upon Washington’s impact.

“Join, or die,” Washington spat on the King’s corpse. He stepped off him, turning away to wave at Celestia circling overhead.

“Good thing I’m already dead!” King George laughed, not actually dead in the slightest. Dressed in the tattered remains of what was once considered the most luxurious fashion, the King was truly a sight to behold as he drew himself up. The plasma bolts hadn’t harmed him in the slightest, the King merely wiping the vile green residue off with a flick of his wrist.

“Impossible,” Washington said. He back away from the empty eyed glare of the king, whose sockets were beginning to fill with an inferno of demonic light. “How could you survive such an attack?”

“You fool! Patriotism has no power in Equestria! That’s the reason why you’ve been defeated time and time again! There is no freedom in these lands, all of which are ruled under by a monarchy!” The King laughed, wiping fake tears from his eyes. “While your Element may have been strong in the Colonies, Washington, here it is useless! And now my undead horde shall take back Harmony for myself, all of Equestria, then the world, and then all worlds shall feel my wrath! Taxes without representation, quartering troops, taking away your arms, both weapons and flesh, all shall happen under my rule! Muhahahahahaha!”

“Not on my watch!” Celestia cried out from overhead. She landed next to Washington, her horn radiating with powerful magic just waiting to be unleashed. She aimed her horn at Washington’s axe, the red, white, and blue electricity now now glowing in a golden field of energy. “Quickly, Washington, let our powers combine!”

Smiling, Washington nodded and took a running charge at King George, swinging his axe directly at the King’s skull while shouting, “United we stand, divided we fall!”

The axe demolished King George’s face and burned all the putrid flesh from his skull, and for one precious moment, it looked like they had won. But their hopes were dashed as his skull quickly knit itself back together, flesh reattaching to the cracked bone before he swung his arm, sending Washington's glowing axe flying off into the assembled troops below before he grabbed the President by the scruff of his collar.

“You shall both be united in your downfalls! Celestia is no longer connected to her Elements, thus, her magic is worthless against me!” George laughed. Celestia lowered her horn and charged, only to be sent reeling as the king struck at her with the back of his hand. Wrapping his skeletal fingers tighter and tighter around Washington's neck, George smiled wickedly as Washington struggled to draw breath. “You lose, Washington. I guess the Element of Loyalty was never your thing, was it?”

“No, but maybe Magic is!” Twilight cried out from up above. She divebombed the pair, firing blast after blast of magical lasers at King George. The Mad Monarch was quickly reduced to smithereens that did not form back together, until only a head was left.

Washington picked up King George’s head with his robotic hand, staring at it solemnly as the zombie army drew closer around the three. “The corruption of the mighty shall never stand tall before the tide of the just. Thus the monarch falls, and the free man rises up,” Washington said, before crushing King George’s head in his robotic grip. “God, I hate inbred royals so much.”

As the skull fell to pieces in his hand, the army stopped moving. Lifting their rotten hands to their heads, they saluted even as they began to slump to the ground, a wind blowing across the battlefield as they slowly sloughed away.

“Wow… that was pretty hectic, huh?” Twilight said.

“Twilight, I thought I told you to keep to your post to stop the zombies from getting the Tree of Harmony!” Celestia said, narrowing her eyes at her student.

Twilight shrunk under Celestia’s glare, but Washington patted Twilight on the head, taking care to not accidentally crush her skull in with his mechanical hand. “A man's—or rather, mare’s—intentions should be allowed in some respects to plead for his actions. For Twilight, she knew we were in trouble, and thus abandoned her post rather than have her comrades be killed. Twilight is a true soldier of merit, and she has my thanks.”

Celestia released a long sigh before nodding. “Fine, fine, at this point I’m just too tired to care. Why does the fourth always have to be so hectic?”

“Because freedom’s cry carries with it the weight of the people who so desperately want it,” Washington answered.

Celestia groaned. “Oh no, not all the quotes again. I swear, you’re like a broken record with that.”

Washington chuckled, shaking his head slowly. “While that may be true, it’ll be the last you’ve heard from me. I must depart back to my resting place.”

“Washington, if you were immortal in the first place because of your Element, why did you want to go to your resting place in the first place?” Twilight asked.

Smiling, Washington drew to one knees and rested a hand on Twilight’s shoulder. “While you and Celestia may be content with eternal life, it is nothing but a source of sorrow for one such as myself. I wish not to rule my lands until the end of days, the future generation’s wisdom and fledging experience are needed for a truly great future to happen. One must cast off the shadow of the past to move onto a brighter tomorrow. I had already served my purpose, so there was no place for me to go other than the Tree of Harmony so that I might be granted peace once and for all.”

Twilight looked to Washington with awe in her eyes, the Element of Patriotism getting back to his feet and walking a few feet away from the pair. Glancing over his shoulder, Washington grinned and saluted. “Friendship is a plant of slow growth. It must undergo and withstand the shocks of adversity before it is entitled to the appellation. Thus, I consider you both good friends after the tribulations we endured. You have my thanks, Celestia and Twilight. I hope you have our memories of this time when needed.”

And with that, Washington rose to the sky underneath a pillar of light, translucent eagle wings once again sprouting from his back. Ascending into the clouds, Washington finally disappeared in a small twinkle of light, a distant eagle’s cry echoing across the lands once he disappeared.

Unbuckling her chest plate, Celesia said, “Liar. He still had more quotes to pull out of nowhere. I swear, that guy is a machine. Well, actually, that time he was technically part machine, so—”

Celestia was interrupted by a great boom that rocked the earth and sent shockwaves all across the land. Looking towards the Tree of Harmony out in the distance, the duo noticed flames and smoke nearby.

“Oh, for crying out loud, what is it this time?!” Celestia muttered in an annoyed tone, already teleporting along with Twilight to the area nearby the tree. Celestia sighed before the sight of a downed spacecraft covered in flames with a body equally coated in fire rolling around on the ground. “Oh, it’s just Luna.”

“Shouldn’t we do something?” Twilight asked.

Humming under her breath, Celestia teleported over a bucket of water, and threw its content on the flailing body wreathed in fire. “There, that should do it.”

Once the last of the flames died out, Luna threw off her space helmet and breathed in the sweet taste of the night air back into her lungs. “Ugh… damnit, I knew I should have invested in a better heat shield!” Luna panted. Picking up her space helmet, Luna threw it against her downed spacecraft. “Survive re-entry to the planet with minimal damage my ass!”

“Princess Luna, what are you doing here?” Twilight asked, taking note of Luna’s now crispy space suit and even more charred spaceship. “Also… what’s with the dress up and spaceship?”

“Kennedy and the moon, that’s what,” Luna muttered, laying unmoving on the ground. With a groan, she picked herself up, already trying to remove her suit. “The womanizing bastard nearly blasted me off the surface… again!”

“Wait, can’t you normally just go to the moon using magic?”

Luna stared at Twilight with a deadpan expression. “Oh, sure, I could, and then the minute I get knocked out or use up all my magic, I’m stuck in the vacuum of space! Sheesh, Twilight, there's depending on magic, and then just plain old being stupid.”

“So, did you manage to stop him?” Celestia asked. She was already on the last of her gauntlets, a pile of her ruined armor right next to Luna’s blackened suit.

“It was a mighty battle, one for the ages! A pity it lasted only thirty seconds,” Luna answered.

“Is Kennedy another one of these other Elements of Harmony?” Twilight asked the two of them.

“The Element of Being a Jackass is what he is,” Luna said.

“Wait, I thought he was the Element of Adultery?” Celestia piped in.

“That’s an Element?” Twilight asked with a grimace.

“Twilight, there’s an Element of Laughter for crying out loud,” Celestia said, shrugging her shoulders. “They’re practically giving these titles away.”

Just then, the sky exploded like a second sun had decided to pop in. As the trio protected their eyes, the distant sound of fireworks going off could be heard, and soon the entire night sky was filled with a dazzling presentation of them.

“Ah, looks like the detonation went off without a hitch,” Luna said, smiling at her work.

“Better than last year, that’s for sure,” Celestia agreed.

Twilight stared upward with her jaw hanging downward. “Um… what exactly am I looking at?”

“Over a hundred tons of dynamite and a nuclear warhead,” Luna answered her.

“And probably Kennedy’s entire fleet of Apollo spaceships exploding in the atmosphere,” Celestia added in.

As the three stood in silence to enjoy the show of high grade explosives and grand explosions, Twilight said, “You know what, I’m not even surprised anymore. I’m just taking this in stride.”

“Welcome to the club,” Luna said.

“Already did,” Celestia said. “We really need to get jackets.”

“Ooh, and maybe tiaras!” Luna cheered.

The other two ponies stared at her strangely, the afterglow of the detonation making the sky glow as if it were aflame

“What, tiaras are cool. Plus, we’re princesses, so it makes sense.”

Celestia shrugged. “Can’t argue with that logic.”

“I’m not even going to try to anymore,” Twilight said.

And on that Fourth of July, Twilight learned the important lesson that you shouldn't question illogical events, merely ride along with the natural course of events, no matter how unnatural or contrived they may be.

Unfortunately, she had little time to put her lesson into practical use before the citizenry of Ponyville rose in revolution against her, demanding equal representation in government and a revocation of the three-bits-a-book tax she had levied against them. Taking their cue from the new Element of Patriotism, they dressed up as buffalo and threw the heavily taxed books into the nearest lake, choosing to switch over to listening to vinyl records instead, quickly leading to widespread illiteracy and a boom in gramophone sales.

But that is a story for another day.