P**7: Porkchop’s Probably Pretty Pointless Purple Pony Princess Problemby Shark8ChaptersPrologChapter 1Chapter 2Chapter 3Chapter 4PrologP**7 Porkchop’s Probably Pretty Pointless Purple Pony Princess Problem Prologue Ryoga Hibiki sighed as he wandered through the forest, lost yet again. As much as he wished he could clench his hand and yell ‘Ranma Saotome, this is all your fault!’ he knew that it really wasn’t… still, it was depressing that the girl he’d admired so much had chosen his rival. He looked up at the sky, expecting to see the moon through the tree-branches, but only saw dark, foreboding thunder-heads — with his luck it figured — but at least it matched his mood. He reached up to his ridiculously oversized pack and withdrew his umbrella, it was his constant companion ever since he’d been cursed in China — Jusenkyo’s ‘Pool of Drowned Piglet’, to be exact — and now was transformed into just such a piglet when exposed to cold water… the only semi-fortunate part of the curse was that hot-water reversed the change. That wasn’t the only curse he bore — his entire family had a terrible sense of direction and was prone to get lost… but whether that was actually due to an actual curse laid on his family years and years ago or simply bad luck he really didn’t know; in any case it didn’t matter a lot because he still had to deal with it either way. Just then the rain started, setting a light pitter-patter that grew in frequency until it was rain indeed. ‘Well, at least there’s no wind.’ Ryoga thought to himself as he continued on, stepping out of the forest and, paying no conscious attention to where he was going, ● ● ● ● ● Fluttershy opened her eyes with a smile as she awoke, today was going to be a great day! She was going to be providing pets to ponies who wanted to ‘adopt’ one of the many animals that she cared for; after the success of matching Tank the tortoise with Rainbow Dash, she had been kicking the idea around, and today was the day. Also exciting was getting to match a pet up with Spike… sure, Twilight Sparkle had Owlicious, but after a talk about responsibility the small dragon had insisted he was ready to have a pet of his own. She trotted lively outside to begin feeding all the animals: from rabbits to bears, from birds to seals, from cats to pigs, she fed them all as she hummed cheerfully to herself. If she had been a little more mindful she would have noticed that one of the pigs still asleep in the pile of pigs was black, a rather unusual coloring, and wore a yellow and black bandana around its neck — something that would indicate that the piglet wasn’t just ‘some pig’ but probably someone’s pet. After that task was completed, she trotted inside to make herself a quick breakfast, which she barely had time for before she could expect ponies to show up for pets. — — — — — “Hello Fluttershy!” Twilight Sparkle said as she came up the path between Fluttershy’s cottage and Ponyville with Spike riding atop her shoulders. While she could have flown, she had opted to carry Spike just as before she’d gained wings becoming an alicorn. “Oh, hello Twilight, hello Spike.” Fluttershy said with a smile, “I’m really glad that you came. Do you have any idea what sort of pet you want?” “I’ll look around.” Spike said, sweeping the grounds around Fluttershy’s cottage with a gaze after dismounting. There were all sorts of animals here, it would be easily overwhelming if he had no idea what he did or didn’t want. Fortunately he knew some things he didn’t want: flying would be too much of a problem for the ground-bound dragon, so that was discarded; cold-blooded was another thing that he didn’t want, mostly because he wanted something warm to cuddle with at night; he also didn’t want anything that required a lot of water, so seals and otters were right out. As Spike looked around he saw a piglet start to wake up, an expression of bewilderment plastered on its face — or at least Spike imagined it as such — and immediately felt a connection. It was as if the porcine soul hid an unrecognized intelligence, an unappreciated form begging for acknowledgment and recognition. “Wait, why would I choose a pig?” Spike asked himself before turning on a heel and exploring what Fluttershy was offering. Given Opalescent’s rather aggressive reaction to him, Spike decided to forgo kittens. There were puppies, which would be a pain if Mayor Mare actually approved the Dog Leash and Defecation Responsibility and Restitution ordinance. Bears wouldn’t be a fit for the library, and the porcupine seemed to be asking for a sticky situation. Yeah, the pig was looking better and better all the time. After a few more minutes of looking around Spike ambled over to the pigpen and pointed out the little black one — “That one, Fluttershy!” “Oh, a piggy!” Fluttershy smiled at the choice, “I just know you’ll be happy with him.” After a few minutes listening to Fluttershy describe how to take care of a pig, they were all set and waved to the kind pegasus as they left. “So, Spike, what are you going to call him?” Twilight asked. “How about Sir Squealy?” Spike asked, testing the name out uncertainly on Twilight. The look of distaste was mirrored perfectly between Twilight and the little piglet. “I don’t think that’s a good name.” “Twinklehooves?” “That’s worse.” “Blackie?” “Are you trying to think of the worst names you can?” “No,” Spike said with a frown, “I just can’t think of a good name.” The baby dragon was interrupted by his stomach growling, “Maybe I should just call him Porkchop.” “Always thinking with your stomach.” Twilight laughed, “I think that suits him just fine.” Neither of them noticed the look of abject terror on the piglet’s face as they decided on the name ‘Porkchop’. Author's Note The ** is the Exponentiation Operator, thus the “P**7” reads as “P to the 7th power”. Comments and criticisms welcome. Chapter 1Chapter 1 Ryoga was surprised when his captors, a purple unicorn-pegasus and some sort of purple man-lizard, came to what appeared to be a house-tree — or was it a tree-house? — in any case it was a crazy merging of tree and building; like some sort of tuna-fish sandwich made with banana-bread, there was something fundamentally wrong with that idea… and it only got worse when they entered. Whoever had built the place had a sick, sick sense of humor: the house doubled as a library — books, the paper products produced by pulping plants, lined the walls from floor to ceiling! — It was simply wrong on a sadistic level, like asking a comic book fan which was a worse movie: Daredevil or Green Lantern, after they’d had enough time to properly forget, in the hopes of tricking their own morbid sense of curiosity to view them. In any case, the dastardly duo determined to directly deliver him to their disturbing domicile, whereupon they determined to dine on dairy. (In other words, they took him straight home and had grilled-cheese sandwiches for lunch.) Needless to say, Ryoga was relieved to not be on the menu… at least for the current meal. While the two were busy eating, he tried to find a way out of the crazy house — well, it was a crazy house: apparently having eighteen bathrooms and six broom-closets. Either that or he was getting lost again. ‘Probably the latter,’ Ryoga grumbled, remembering the time he’d gotten lost in a Chinese restaurant for the better part of a week. He’d finally escaped that deathtrap after he gave the walls a good Bakusai Tenketsu. That solution, hitting the breaking-point of an object, while good for removing obstacles, was useless against living things… so their twisted little tree-house was the perfect prison for him, even if he did find a way to revert to his human form. Ryoga grunted in disgust as he found the nineteenth bathroom, ‘What, do these guys constantly eat copious amounts of oat bran and prune juice?’ ● ● ● ● ● After finishing lunch Spike went to play with Porkchop, leaving Twilight to do some light reading, something about music today, or at least Spike thought it was… it was hard to keep up, since the alicorn was such an avid reader. Spike finally found the small black piglet hanging from the bathroom door’s doorknob, as if the black piglet had been trying to open the door… but that was ridiculous. “Pigs don’t use doors!” Spike said, as he retrieved the poor piglet. ‘And ponies do!?’ Ryoga thought sarcastically at his captor. “Anyway, let’s go read some comics, Porkchop.” Spike said, as he made his way to his basket. “Let’s read Power Ponies… I just got #74 yesterday.” Spike said, with a smile. “So, let’s read issues #1 to #73 first!” Ryoga looked on in a mixture of horror and fascination — not only was he stuck as a piglet, someone’s new pet (not that this was a particularly uncommon occurrence), but his new ‘owner’ was a comic book nerd! — ‘Well. it could be worse.’ Ryoga thought. “‘You’ll never stop me!’” Spike began reading aloud. Ryoga struggled to escape the confines of the basket, ‘It is worse!’ After Spike pulled him back several times, Ryoga sighed, resigning to the fate of having a comic-book read to him… without being able to see the pictures. This continued on until Twilight came upstairs to the bedroom and glared at Spike, and with slight annoyance asked: “Have you been up here the whole day?” “Yeah. Why?” Spike responded, confused. “Because you need to take Porkchop out every so often… I don’t want to be cleaning poop out of the library, and certainly not off any of the books.” “Ok, ok…” Spike said, closing the comic book and pulling Porkchop out of the corner of the basket where the little guy had fallen asleep, “I’ll take care of it.” Spike retrieved the leash and, after gently waking Porkchop, proceeded to take him on a little walk in the back yard. Ryoga, on the other hand, was non too pleased. The embarrassment of being taken out for a poop was incredible, almost as much when he would try to confess his feelings to his crush, but there was nothing to be done about the situation… well, nothing but do his piggy business in the bushes, as far away from any eyes that would see him as he could get. — If only he had his backpack he could make some hot water. Looking around as he exited the bushes seemed to reveal that the town was… normal. Ryoga mentally shrugged, if ponies could talk why wouldn’t they have towns? Maybe these ponies and dragons had teakettles or hot water — it would be great if they did — Ryoga resolved to investigate, to see if maybe Twilight and Spike had a teapot in their kitchen. “Alright, are you done?” Spike asked, only to be surprised when the piglet seemed to nod. ‘That’s really odd.’ Spike thought to himself, before shrugging and dismissing it. It was probably nothing. ● ● ● ● ● ‘What was that!?’ Twilight woke with a start to a cacophony of the metallic clangs of pots and pans falling from the cupboards onto the kitchen floor. ‘A prowler? A robber? Some sort of book-eating robot!?’ She levitated the lamp off her night-stand, and edged out of her bed, making her way down stairs down to the kitchen. Just outside, she paused to cast a quick illumination spell in the hopes of blinding the intruder. She jumped out and… She saw Porkchop holding a small sauce-pan full of water and a huge pile of pots and pans covering the floor at his feet. Twilight sighed in relief, feeling the tension ease away from her body: it wasn’t a book eating robot. But, on the other hand, this mess just had to be cleaned up. — She took a big breath and levitated all the pots and pans on the floor floated back to their places in the cupboard. “Oh, and you…” Twilight said glaring at Porkchop as magic enveloped him and yanked the pot away. “You need to be dried before I put you away!” Twilight said, addressing the pot of water as she dumped it down the drain and retrieved a towel to dry it off. She completely missed seeing Porkchop sitting in the kitchen, eye twitching. Chapter 2Chapter 2 The ghostly green glow that surrounded Ryoga grew brighter in the instant before it leapt into the sky, even as his shoulders slumped and his eyes took on a dead and lifeless stare. The malevolent ball of energy flying high before stopping and then crashing down, ruining the technicolor town he stood in, smashing it to pieces and blowing houses, pony’s homes, to rubble. One small house at the edge of the town had escaped from the destruction, but only for a second as Ryoga raised his hand and let loose another Shishi Hokodan — this one didn’t need to be the perfect form, just enough to rend the house to pieces around the few ponies huddling inside. Things were deathly quiet for a few seconds before a breeze picked up and whistled across the wreckage before the relative stillness, too, was broken by a deep and ominous laughter. Ryoga lifted his head, raising his arms to the skies and laughed in a manner that was not altogether sane. “I AM YOUR DOOM!” He cried to the now-dead ponies, who would never to torment him again, crushed beneath the overwhelming power of his depression-fueled Shishi Hokodan. That’s when Ryoga woke in a cold sweat. What a horrible nightmare, he shuddered at the memory. It was one thing to fight back against your oppressors, or when someone attacked you, or when that jerk Ranma provoked you… but it was quite another to go around destroying people’s houses without regard. Being eternally lost, Ryoga had a special place in his heart for his home, and indeed the idea of home in general — he would never intentionally destroy someone’s home, it was just too sacred a place. The very idea was what made the nightmare so disturbing… oh, and the murders, that made it disturbing too. It was almost as disturbing as the throw-rug in his hooves — how the heck had that gotten there? ● ● ● ● ● Spike jumped at the part-snort/part-grunt that Porkchop gave as he bolted awake. It was almost as if the little black piglet had a nightmare — but that was ridiculous… or was it? He vaguely remembered Applejack laughing with Twilight and the others about Winona’s legs twitching as she slept. ‘I wonder what a pig would dream about…’ Spike absently thought, ‘and what would a pig have nightmares about?’ It was one of those odd questions that made you laugh at its absurdity, but still tickled the back of your mind wanting an answer, and indeed it did even as Spike plucked the poor piglet from the basket. “It’s ok, Porkchop.” Spike said, rocking the piglet in his arms (a funny sight, because the piglet was not all that much smaller than Spike), “I’ve got you, and I won’t let anything bad happen to you… I mean what sort of dragon would I be if I did?” Ryoga was comforted by this, oddly enough… though it was pretty discouraging that even here more people cared about him when he was a pig than when he was a human. (Forget, for the moment, that he hasn’t been a human at all since he got to Equestria.) “I was coming to get you anyway, Porkchop.” Spike said, slipping the leash onto the collar underneath the yellow-and-black bandana — it really was a nice, stylish bandana. Spike made a mental note to thank Fluttershy for it, and Rarity too. “Today’s a Pony Pet Playdate! So I’ll get to show you off to everybody.” — — — — — Ryoga was led across the town to a fairly large park where there were several more of the ponies gathered, each with another pet of their own: an orange one with a dog, a pink one with an alligator (Ryoga suppressed a shudder as he remembered Kodachi Kuno and her pet alligator), a yellow one with a rabbit, a blue one with a turtle that had some crazy variant of the helicopter-hat that allowed it to fly, a white one with a cat, and lastly Twilight had an owl. “Let’s go meet everypony; ok, Porkchop?” Spike asked, before half-dragging the piglet to the first introduction: the white unicorn and with her white cat. “Hi, Rarity! This is Porkchop, my new pet!” Spike said with a goofy smile, a smile that Ryoga knew all too well. “Porkchop, this is Rarity and her cat Opalescence.” The white cat glared at the pig for a minute before taking a swipe, which Ryoga dodged expertly, preparing to go on the offensive when the unicorn spoke up. “Opal! You be good, Porkchop hasn’t done anything.” Rarity turned to Spike, “I’m so sorry, Opal’s been in a bad mood all day today.” “Ah, that’s ok Rarity.” Spike said in a tone of voice that Ryoga identified as utterly accepting… the poor kid had it bad. “I still have to introduce him to everypony else.” The young dragon moved on to the next pony, the soft-spoken yellow pegasus that Ryoga had seen yesterday and seemed to be arguing with a small rabbit. “Hey Fluttershy!” Spike greeted, “Did you ever introduce Angel to Porkchop?” “Oh, you named him Porkchop? That’s... interesting.” Fluttershy responded, “No, I don’t think I ever did… Angel doesn’t like going near the piggies, he doesn’t like it when they get mud on his fur.” “Ah, I see.” Spike replied, “Anyway, this is Fluttershy’s rabbit, Angel.” At this point the pink pony jumped in all smiles and excitement, bombarding Spike with questions: “Oh, a new pet! What’s his name? Does he like cake? How about pickles? I hear they’re great for pig’s feet! Do you think that she’ll get along with Gummy? Oh, is it a girl, or a boy? Does it like lollipops?” “Hi Pinkie, this is Porkchop.” Spike said, then began to answer the rest of the questions as best as he could, “I don’t know about cake, or pickles; I don’t see why Porkchop wouldn’t, he’s really well behaved; Porkchop is a boy-pig; and I have no idea if he likes lollipops.” “Hm, I see…” Pinky said, rubbing her chin in a manner that suggested she was planning something. “I’ll be back… just you wait.” With that Pinky trotted off, but Ryoga felt like something was missing… that that would have been the perfect spot for a maniacal laugh. Spike on the other hand took it as a matter of course and led Ryoga to an orange pony playing rambunctiously with a brown dog. “This is Applejack and Winona,” Spike said gesturing to the two as they rolled around on the grass. Applejack paused the play-session as she became aware of the new audience, “Hey there partner, what’s up now?” “I just wanted to introduce you to Porkchop.” Spike replied, proudly showing off the black piglet. “That’s a right-nice piglet, ya got there.” Applejack said, nodding toward Ryoga, “He’s cute enough ta win ya a blue ribbon in the next state-fair.” That’s when the final pony that he hadn’t met, a light-blue one with an eye-catching multi-colored mane made an appearance swooping in on the scene followed by what appeared to be a turtle strapped in an odd helicopter-contraption. “Rainbow Dash!” Spike called, getting her attention, “This is my new pet, Porkchop!” “Well, that’s awesome!” She replied — unknown to Ryoga, Rainbow Dash had been Spike’s main advocate when the pet thing came up with Twilight, she knew Spike was loyal and responsible certainly considering his age. “Thanks for sticking up for me, by the way.” Spike said, genuinely grateful that somepony had, “I don’t think Twilight would have let me get Porkchop if you hadn’t.” “Hey, it’s no big deal… I’m just awesome like that!” Rainbow Dash replied. “Oh, I almost forgot,” Spike indicated the strangely flying turtle, “This is Tank.” Having introduced Porkchop to all of the rest of the pets, Spike made his way over to Twilight who was playing with Owlicious. “Oh, Spike… did you introduce Porkchop to everyone?” she asked when she saw him. “Yep, we just finished.” Spike said with a satisfied nod just as something struck him, “Hey, have we introduced him to Owlicious?” “I don’t think so.” Twilight shook her head. “Well then, Porkchop,” Spike indicated the owl, who was performing some interesting areal maneuvers, “that is Owlicious… he’s also Twilight’s number two assistant.” Ryoga nodded… he’d never remember everybody’s names. This was when his reverie was broken by an explosion — an explosion of cake, confetti, and a cacophony of party-music. “I realized that we haven’t thrown Porkchop a Welcome to Our Group of Pets Party!” Pinky Pie explained as Ryoga squirmed out of the cake that had landed on him. She continued on, frowning “I think I need to get my party cannon fixed.” Ryoga coughed up what was probably a lungful of confetti. ‘Yeah, any more force on that thing and you’ll send someone to the moon!’ Ryoga though. “Let me try again.” Pinkie tweaked some things with the cannon, aiming it at the piglet. “I think he had enough cake though, Pinkie!” Spike said quickly, hoping that she’d listen to him. “Okie-dokie-lokie!” Pinkie Said, all smiles and happiness before suddenly glaring at Ryoga — “I’m watching you…” Ryoga was caught flat footed, this pink pony was definitely strange. Author's Note A little on the light side insofar as the humor goes, but I thought we should get `round to introducing Ryoga to the rest of the Elements (and the pets) sooner rather than later. Chapter 3Chapter 3 Ryoga was surprised when the front door burst open and three obviously excited fillies barged in almost chanting ‘Twilight Time!’ again and again — one was a white unicorn filly with bi-colored mane; another was a bright orange pegasus, with a scooter and helmet; and the last one an off-white, the color of butter, and had a red mane. Twilight Sparkle, on the other hoof, was obviously expecting it and greeted them with a warm smile before asking them to calm down and get situated. It was during this that Spike took Ryoga out, to do his piggy business, and for a walk as well — which was merciful, considering the red-maned filly had somehow gotten the idea that he’d be good to give some sort of potion to… and with his luck it’d probably lock him in his cursed form or cause him to fall in love or perhaps make him breathe fire. Walking around the town they eventually made their way to one of the few cafes spread around Ponyville; there was a moment where a waitress tripped and almost drenched Ryoga in hot tea. “You’re lucky Porkchop.” Spike commented, watching the wisps of steam rise from the puddles evan as they sank into the earth. ‘Yeah, lucky.’ Ryoga thought sarcastically, crossing his hooves across his chest. ‘…and, as always, it’s bad.’ — — — — — Returning to the tree-library, Spike and Porkchop were greeted with the sounds of the three fillies finishing up their session of Twilight Time and getting into a discussion of what they could do to gain their cutie marks. Ryoga wondered for a moment what a ‘cutie mark’ was before it dawned on him: the odd little pictures on the rumps of most ponies, that must be a cutie mark. He’d kind of assumed that they were just strange, possibly magical, brandings but hearing these three go on and on about how they wanted to get one made him revise that a bit — obviously there was something significant about it, enough to make it desirable. “Oh, I know!” the red-maned one said, “We could go camping and then…” “Cutie Mark Crusader Wilderness Survivors!” all three yelled joyously… until one of them realized something. “Wait, what would that cutie mark look like?” the white one asked the other two. ‘A compass, a travel-pack, a campfire, a tent, a fish and hook, a hiker, a nesting bird, a pair of binoculars…’ Ryoga mentally supplied eight possibilities instantly off the top of his head, having spent a good deal of his life lost (and a good deal of that in the wilderness) he had a good idea of what he was talking about… but, of course, pigs can’t speak and so nobody got to hear his contribution. Twilight overheard this and was a little bit concerned with letting these three out on their own — then Spike caught her eye and she had a thought, a wonderful terrible thought that would obviously test him to the limits of dragon-kind. “Maybe Spike could go with you.” Twilight suggested, “He could be in charge of the campfire.” It was simple really, Spike, being a fire-breathing dragon was quite familiar with it and would do his best to make sure it didn’t get out of hand, likewise the fire itself would keep away the wild animals unless they were in the Everfree forest (which they wouldn’t be). In short, it was the perfect job for her now pet-owning responsible number one assistant. Spike grinned at the idea, “You really mean it Twi?” “Of course I do,” Twilight replied, “you’re responsible now, right?” “You bet!” Spike smiled back and listened to Twilight setting out the details and conditions of their little camping trip, making sure that they had to get permission from their guardians. ● ● ● ● ● “Ok, do you have everything?” Twilight asked for the third time. “Yes, mom.” Spike said sarcastically, earning a glare from his roommate and adopted-sister. ‘And so do I…’ Ryoga thought, rubbing his hooves together in anticipation. “I have everything you put on the list.” Spike said, as he shouldered the backpack, “Triple checked even.” What the diminutive dragon didn’t discern was that his pet pilfered a pan within, too… waiting, and hoping, for a chance to return to his human form. ‘Porkchop’ had been waiting for the chance to go camping for a few days. He could anticipate being back “in his element” and finally able to get away — though he really didn’t bear any ill-will to Spike or the rest of the ponies here, they were certainly kinder to him than a lot of the other places he’d been captured/’adopted’/kidnaped to, but he should still try to find his way back home. “Good.” Twilight Sparkle said, “I’m counting on you to watch out for the Crusaders.” “Yep. It’s a job for your number-one assistant.” Spike replied with a smile on his face — he was actually very happy to be given the responsibility, as it was a way to prove himself. As Spike and Porkchop left, Twilight pulled out a book with a sigh, On The Magical Musical Meter of ‘Mischief Meets Maud in D Minor’ Minus Multiple Monzonite Minuets by M. Pie and D. Draconequus… she really would have to refrain from taking Discord’s advice on reading material, as the book was, by turns, incredibly uninteresting or indecipherably illogical. — — — — — Apple Bloom finished pulling the last guy-line taught and driving the stake into the ground. She smiled, proud of putting the tent up. “Ok. Sweetie Belle, Scootaloo… we’re ready!” “Yay!” Sweetie Belle cried, as Scootaloo did a trick on her scooter. “We’re going to get our cutie marks for wilderness survival for sure!” “You bet. It’ll be the most awesome thing ever!” Scootaloo agreed. “Hey everypony!” A familiar voice called and, turning towards it, the Crusaders saw… “Spike!” the three cried in unison. “Sorry I’m late.” He apologized, “My backpack is a bit heavier than I expected.” “Oh, it’s ok!” Sweetie Bell assured him. “Yeah, we already got the tent up, see!” Scootaloo indicated the tent. “Hey! I did all the work!” Apple Bloom protested, slightly upset about the others taking credit for the work… though that quickly faded into the excitement of the camping trip. “So, what are we going to do for dinner?” Spike asked, well aware of the eight meals in his backpack… both dinner and breakfast, if their little ‘expedition’ as wilderness-survivors would prove not to yield food so readily. “Fishing!” Apple Bloom replied, somehow knowing that camping and fishing go together like cactuses and the desert… besides her brother, Big McIntosh, loved to fish; he said it was an excellent way to relive stress, be close to nature, relax, and get a tasty snack/meal as well as building patience, persistence, and perception. So the five campers made their way to the stream, four of them dropping lines in while the fourth wandered around inspecting various bushes and trees, occasionally breaking off a branch or two, then dragging them over next to the stream to pile them up. After finishing collecting a fair pile of these branches, Ryoga found a sharp rock and, although difficult and tedious to do with hooves, removed little offshoots and began to sharpen points onto the wooden shafts. It was something he had learned long before his fateful trip to China, and after that curse it had taken him a long time to re-learn how to do it in a pig’s body, but he’d had to do it… ‘Stupid monsoon season!’ Ryoga thought as he remembered how he’d been forced to learn. Upon finishing the spear-like wooden shafts came the hard part. He lacked the precision to use them in spear-fishing, but he could drive them into the streambed to make a fishweir. — Grabbing one as best as he could he jumped and thrust downward as hard as he could, driving the spear as well as the mass of his small body could impart. Then expertly landing on the end of the spear’s shaft, driving it further in. Jumping back to the bank, he repeated the process until a line of spears bridged the stream from bank to bank; then he began the second part of the weir: the funnel. When he was finished the completed thing viewed from above was reminiscent of a K, but with a break between the base and the legs thereof. — Now all he had to do was wait… and while he did that, he could fish out the pot he’d stashed in Spike’s backpack, fill it, and start a fire. So far everything was going smoothly and Ryoga was torn between hope and not letting himself hope; no sense in counting his pots of hot water until he had a pot of hot water. “Ya, know…” Apple Bloom said, shaking her head then turning to Spike, “Your pig is really funny.” — — — — — The clouds were gathered together, packed together and darkly crowding the skies; it was good work by the local weather team. The pegasi had done an excellent job, and the storm scheduled for late afternoon through the night would be excellent: heavy rain, lightning, thunder, even a chance of some light hail. Lyra glanced up, scanning the skies trying to gauge when the storm was scheduled to break… she’d forgotten the exact time it was scheduled for. She didn’t want to get caught out in the rain with her lyre, even though she was planning to go out for a walk in the thunderstorm for some inspiration for the music she was working on, it wouldn’t do to let the instrument get wet. Scrambling to finish up her session and get Dave (her name for the instrument) home, she glanced up again just to see lightning jump from cloud to cloud. ‘Yes, I should hurry.’ She thought, using her magic to scoop up the few bits she’d earned from the odd passerby who’d listened to her music as she’d played in the park during the afternoon. Just a few seconds from her front door she felt the first drops splatter on her face, and an instant later she was home and Dave out of the elements. Relaxing, Lyra put the lyre away and retrieved her raincoat and ventured out into the storm… Only to be disappointed, the first raindrops she’d felt must have been a tease, maybe somepony watering their plants, or “premature precipitation”. Rounding the back of the old police station she came out of the city proper and into a nice clearing between the town and nearby stream. Some movement in the distance caught her eye… and held it. — There was a strange creature standing upright, bushy hair held in place by what appeared to be a yellow-and-black piece of cloth (it was either cloth or the strangest set of markings she’d seen, as they didn’t match anything else). It appeared to be wearing a pan as an off-kilter hat, too… which was odd considering the bandanna. Lightning flashed and the rain broke. When her eyes readjusted the strange creature was gone. ‘What was that thing?’ She wondered, wandering to where she thought she’d seen the creature. There was nothing there except for a camp-fire, on the far side of the clearing there was a tent, had they seen the creature? Author's Note Poor Ryoga, he finally gets his hot water… only to be caught in the cold rain. Chapter 4Chapter 4 “Ok, ma’am, is there anything else you can tell us?” The police-pony asked, as he handed the poor mare another cup of hot coffee. “Y-yes… h-he was n-naked!” Lyra cried, almost hysterical. “And how do you know it was a he?” the other police-pony asked, using his unicorn magic to draw on his notepad. “He was naked.” Lyra responded dryly. “Ah, I see.” the police artist said, making a few alterations — a moment later flipping the pad for Lyra to examine. “How’s this?” Lyra examined the picture a few moments before replying: “The eyes were smaller, more pig-like… and, well, he was bigger.” “Bigger?” the artist echoed, unsure what she meant. Blushing furiously, Lyra nodded… motioning downward on the picture the police artist had produced. “Ah, I see.” He nodded. After a few more alterations the picture was ready and, as the police artist closed the notebook Lyra interrupted. “Um, could I have a copy?” She asked. “Sure.” The artist nodded and, with a flash of his horn, the artist produced a copy for the green mare. Lyra nodded, mumbled some thanks, folded the picture and put it in a pocket of her raincoat and left the police station. A few moments passed before the other officer burst into laughter. “Look, look!” He cried, taking off his hat, “I’m naked!” The police artist gasped in mock shock and then looked down, examining his own body before gasping even louder. “I’m naked, too!” He shrieked with as much hysteria as he could manage. The two police ponies collapsed into a pile of laughter. ● ● ● ● ● Ryoga woke early, before dawn, as he usually did when he was outdoors. If it was his campsite he would have started breakfast, tearing down the tent and packing up while it was cooking, so he could leave with the dawn... well, if he was going to move on from the campsite, obviously. As it was, this equipment wasn’t his and he still needed to find his travel-pack… he thought it was somewhere near that Fluttershy’s house, and that was… South? West? North-East? ‘I haven’t a clue.’ Ryoga admitted to himself in defeat, before his stomach reminded him that he was hungry. ‘But, as long as I’m here…’ Ryoga picked up the pot that had been discarded when he’d turned into a pig last night. It was full of rainwater and so he just dumped a little, placed it on the fire-pit, and broke out some kindling. After the water had heated up he doused himself and returned to his human form. He happily made his way over to his fishing weir, and looked down in hopes of seeing a fish or three in the light of the breaking dawn; there were four fish… with a grin he pulled out one of the three spears he’d made last night and tossed it in. And he was lucky, spearing one right off the bat. After about ten minutes he’d speared all four… not bad at all. He made his way back and started the water boiling again as he started on cleaning and gutting the fish… it would have been hard to do if he hadn’t had a knife, but with the Baksai Tenketsu all he needed was a rock to make a knife… so he never was really without one unless he was separated from his pack and forced into his pig form. Setting the water aside, he spit the fish and set them to cook. Ryoga looked around and grinned: he was almost completely in his element here… aside from his lack of clothes or travel-pack. A moment later and he was reminded that he hadn’t used the bathroom in a while, so he headed toward the treeline. (The obvious answer to your question is ‘yes’ — humans do shit in the woods in Equestria.) After digging a ‘small’ hole to do his business in using his Bakusai Tenketsu he made his way back to the campsite… or tried to. Looking around frantically he couldn’t see the clearing with the tent in it or anything familiar. It was off to the left, he was sure — he ran that way, knocking the occasional tree out of his way before he burst from the forest only to trip over his travel-pack, umbrella, and a thoroughly muddy set of clothes. He quickly opened the pack and retrieved one of his spare outfits and put it on — ah, the clothes felt so good — then he stuffed the dirty old clothes into his ‘dirty clothes’ pouch, shouldered his pack, and took off, intent on making his way back to his own home. ● ● ● ● ● Fluttershy exited her cottage, intent on feeding her furry friends, and even her non-furry friends. As she hauled the bag of feed out the door, she had a bit of a surprise: a strange creature was in the space between the forest’s edge and her land. It stood on its hind legs, like a bear might… only more naturally, more like Spike’s two-legged posture. “Oh, hello there little guy.” Fluttershy spoke up, she always had been more comfortable around different animals than she had been around other ponies. Ironically she had to look up to see into the ‘little guy’s’ eyes, but then again she had a special spot in her heart for big intimidating-looking creatures like manticores and bears and so on. “I wonder what you are?” She said aloud to herself, “I’ve never seen your sort of creature before…” “I’m a human.” The creature replied, “I… well, my name’s Ryoga.” Fluttershy stood there in shock, she hadn’t been expecting a reply but had gotten one anyway. For a few moments she tried to decide whether she should be frightened of the human or not… it certainly wasn’t helping that he was staring at her like that, or that he was moving toward her, or that he was reaching toward her… or that he was lifting the feed-sacks for her? “Let me help with this.” Ryoga said, “I used to work on a couple of farms and ranches…” True to his word Ryoga fed the animals, and very quickly and efficiently, too. Probably due to the monkey-like hands he deftly used — they were amazingly dextrous, and the way Ryoga used them almost made her envious because the whole feeding process was done in a quarter of the time it normally took. “Why, thank you Ryoga.” Fluttershy said happily, smiling at the sudden amount of free time she had. “Um, is there anything I can do for you?” “Well, I am a little lost… so if you have a map you’re not using…” Ryoga was cut off by his stomach growling, “and maybe a bite to eat.” “Oh, are you saying you haven’t had breakfast yet?” Fluttershy was a bit ashamed of herself, she was supposed to be the Element of Kindness and she’d totally forgotten to ask about her guest. “No… I made some breakfast, but then I got lost.” Ryoga admitted in an embarrassed tone. — — — — — After breakfast, Fluttershy produced a map for her guest and walked along with him for a while along his journey — the places that he told here about sounded like they were far, far away and it seemed like Ryoga could use a little company. “Thank you so much.” Ryoga said, looking up from the map with a huge smile. It was probably the eighth or ninth time the human had expressed his gratitude. Something about it made Fluttershy think that kindness was a fairly rare element in his life, which made her feel sad — he seemed like a kind, gentle, and generally decent guy. “Well, I have to be going.” Fluttershy said, having noticed the position of the sun, it wasn’t all that late but she did have plans with Rarity for today. “I hope you have a good trip, Ryoga.” The human grinned in response, “It’s better than most so far! Thanks for all your help.” ● ● ● ● ● When Spike awoke to the smell of cooking food he was happy for only an instant, looking around he couldn’t find Porkchop anywhere. A sense of dread came over him as he kept looking all around the tent, the campsite, the clearing itself. He even woke the Cutie Mark Crusaders, albeit unintentionally, with his near-panicked search. “Hey, Spike, what’s going on?” Scootaloo asked, crawling out of the tent. “Yeah, what’s the problem?” Sweetie Belle echoed her concern. “I-I can’t find Porkchop anywhere!” Spike sobbed, tears flowing down his cheeks even as the smell of burning fish filled the air. Author's Note I'm working on another MLP-crossover comedy which I plan on completing before I post it up, so it might be a while before I update this story. (Hopefully before the end of next week.)
PrologP**7 Porkchop’s Probably Pretty Pointless Purple Pony Princess Problem Prologue Ryoga Hibiki sighed as he wandered through the forest, lost yet again. As much as he wished he could clench his hand and yell ‘Ranma Saotome, this is all your fault!’ he knew that it really wasn’t… still, it was depressing that the girl he’d admired so much had chosen his rival. He looked up at the sky, expecting to see the moon through the tree-branches, but only saw dark, foreboding thunder-heads — with his luck it figured — but at least it matched his mood. He reached up to his ridiculously oversized pack and withdrew his umbrella, it was his constant companion ever since he’d been cursed in China — Jusenkyo’s ‘Pool of Drowned Piglet’, to be exact — and now was transformed into just such a piglet when exposed to cold water… the only semi-fortunate part of the curse was that hot-water reversed the change. That wasn’t the only curse he bore — his entire family had a terrible sense of direction and was prone to get lost… but whether that was actually due to an actual curse laid on his family years and years ago or simply bad luck he really didn’t know; in any case it didn’t matter a lot because he still had to deal with it either way. Just then the rain started, setting a light pitter-patter that grew in frequency until it was rain indeed. ‘Well, at least there’s no wind.’ Ryoga thought to himself as he continued on, stepping out of the forest and, paying no conscious attention to where he was going, ● ● ● ● ● Fluttershy opened her eyes with a smile as she awoke, today was going to be a great day! She was going to be providing pets to ponies who wanted to ‘adopt’ one of the many animals that she cared for; after the success of matching Tank the tortoise with Rainbow Dash, she had been kicking the idea around, and today was the day. Also exciting was getting to match a pet up with Spike… sure, Twilight Sparkle had Owlicious, but after a talk about responsibility the small dragon had insisted he was ready to have a pet of his own. She trotted lively outside to begin feeding all the animals: from rabbits to bears, from birds to seals, from cats to pigs, she fed them all as she hummed cheerfully to herself. If she had been a little more mindful she would have noticed that one of the pigs still asleep in the pile of pigs was black, a rather unusual coloring, and wore a yellow and black bandana around its neck — something that would indicate that the piglet wasn’t just ‘some pig’ but probably someone’s pet. After that task was completed, she trotted inside to make herself a quick breakfast, which she barely had time for before she could expect ponies to show up for pets. — — — — — “Hello Fluttershy!” Twilight Sparkle said as she came up the path between Fluttershy’s cottage and Ponyville with Spike riding atop her shoulders. While she could have flown, she had opted to carry Spike just as before she’d gained wings becoming an alicorn. “Oh, hello Twilight, hello Spike.” Fluttershy said with a smile, “I’m really glad that you came. Do you have any idea what sort of pet you want?” “I’ll look around.” Spike said, sweeping the grounds around Fluttershy’s cottage with a gaze after dismounting. There were all sorts of animals here, it would be easily overwhelming if he had no idea what he did or didn’t want. Fortunately he knew some things he didn’t want: flying would be too much of a problem for the ground-bound dragon, so that was discarded; cold-blooded was another thing that he didn’t want, mostly because he wanted something warm to cuddle with at night; he also didn’t want anything that required a lot of water, so seals and otters were right out. As Spike looked around he saw a piglet start to wake up, an expression of bewilderment plastered on its face — or at least Spike imagined it as such — and immediately felt a connection. It was as if the porcine soul hid an unrecognized intelligence, an unappreciated form begging for acknowledgment and recognition. “Wait, why would I choose a pig?” Spike asked himself before turning on a heel and exploring what Fluttershy was offering. Given Opalescent’s rather aggressive reaction to him, Spike decided to forgo kittens. There were puppies, which would be a pain if Mayor Mare actually approved the Dog Leash and Defecation Responsibility and Restitution ordinance. Bears wouldn’t be a fit for the library, and the porcupine seemed to be asking for a sticky situation. Yeah, the pig was looking better and better all the time. After a few more minutes of looking around Spike ambled over to the pigpen and pointed out the little black one — “That one, Fluttershy!” “Oh, a piggy!” Fluttershy smiled at the choice, “I just know you’ll be happy with him.” After a few minutes listening to Fluttershy describe how to take care of a pig, they were all set and waved to the kind pegasus as they left. “So, Spike, what are you going to call him?” Twilight asked. “How about Sir Squealy?” Spike asked, testing the name out uncertainly on Twilight. The look of distaste was mirrored perfectly between Twilight and the little piglet. “I don’t think that’s a good name.” “Twinklehooves?” “That’s worse.” “Blackie?” “Are you trying to think of the worst names you can?” “No,” Spike said with a frown, “I just can’t think of a good name.” The baby dragon was interrupted by his stomach growling, “Maybe I should just call him Porkchop.” “Always thinking with your stomach.” Twilight laughed, “I think that suits him just fine.” Neither of them noticed the look of abject terror on the piglet’s face as they decided on the name ‘Porkchop’. Author's Note The ** is the Exponentiation Operator, thus the “P**7” reads as “P to the 7th power”. Comments and criticisms welcome.
Chapter 1Chapter 1 Ryoga was surprised when his captors, a purple unicorn-pegasus and some sort of purple man-lizard, came to what appeared to be a house-tree — or was it a tree-house? — in any case it was a crazy merging of tree and building; like some sort of tuna-fish sandwich made with banana-bread, there was something fundamentally wrong with that idea… and it only got worse when they entered. Whoever had built the place had a sick, sick sense of humor: the house doubled as a library — books, the paper products produced by pulping plants, lined the walls from floor to ceiling! — It was simply wrong on a sadistic level, like asking a comic book fan which was a worse movie: Daredevil or Green Lantern, after they’d had enough time to properly forget, in the hopes of tricking their own morbid sense of curiosity to view them. In any case, the dastardly duo determined to directly deliver him to their disturbing domicile, whereupon they determined to dine on dairy. (In other words, they took him straight home and had grilled-cheese sandwiches for lunch.) Needless to say, Ryoga was relieved to not be on the menu… at least for the current meal. While the two were busy eating, he tried to find a way out of the crazy house — well, it was a crazy house: apparently having eighteen bathrooms and six broom-closets. Either that or he was getting lost again. ‘Probably the latter,’ Ryoga grumbled, remembering the time he’d gotten lost in a Chinese restaurant for the better part of a week. He’d finally escaped that deathtrap after he gave the walls a good Bakusai Tenketsu. That solution, hitting the breaking-point of an object, while good for removing obstacles, was useless against living things… so their twisted little tree-house was the perfect prison for him, even if he did find a way to revert to his human form. Ryoga grunted in disgust as he found the nineteenth bathroom, ‘What, do these guys constantly eat copious amounts of oat bran and prune juice?’ ● ● ● ● ● After finishing lunch Spike went to play with Porkchop, leaving Twilight to do some light reading, something about music today, or at least Spike thought it was… it was hard to keep up, since the alicorn was such an avid reader. Spike finally found the small black piglet hanging from the bathroom door’s doorknob, as if the black piglet had been trying to open the door… but that was ridiculous. “Pigs don’t use doors!” Spike said, as he retrieved the poor piglet. ‘And ponies do!?’ Ryoga thought sarcastically at his captor. “Anyway, let’s go read some comics, Porkchop.” Spike said, as he made his way to his basket. “Let’s read Power Ponies… I just got #74 yesterday.” Spike said, with a smile. “So, let’s read issues #1 to #73 first!” Ryoga looked on in a mixture of horror and fascination — not only was he stuck as a piglet, someone’s new pet (not that this was a particularly uncommon occurrence), but his new ‘owner’ was a comic book nerd! — ‘Well. it could be worse.’ Ryoga thought. “‘You’ll never stop me!’” Spike began reading aloud. Ryoga struggled to escape the confines of the basket, ‘It is worse!’ After Spike pulled him back several times, Ryoga sighed, resigning to the fate of having a comic-book read to him… without being able to see the pictures. This continued on until Twilight came upstairs to the bedroom and glared at Spike, and with slight annoyance asked: “Have you been up here the whole day?” “Yeah. Why?” Spike responded, confused. “Because you need to take Porkchop out every so often… I don’t want to be cleaning poop out of the library, and certainly not off any of the books.” “Ok, ok…” Spike said, closing the comic book and pulling Porkchop out of the corner of the basket where the little guy had fallen asleep, “I’ll take care of it.” Spike retrieved the leash and, after gently waking Porkchop, proceeded to take him on a little walk in the back yard. Ryoga, on the other hand, was non too pleased. The embarrassment of being taken out for a poop was incredible, almost as much when he would try to confess his feelings to his crush, but there was nothing to be done about the situation… well, nothing but do his piggy business in the bushes, as far away from any eyes that would see him as he could get. — If only he had his backpack he could make some hot water. Looking around as he exited the bushes seemed to reveal that the town was… normal. Ryoga mentally shrugged, if ponies could talk why wouldn’t they have towns? Maybe these ponies and dragons had teakettles or hot water — it would be great if they did — Ryoga resolved to investigate, to see if maybe Twilight and Spike had a teapot in their kitchen. “Alright, are you done?” Spike asked, only to be surprised when the piglet seemed to nod. ‘That’s really odd.’ Spike thought to himself, before shrugging and dismissing it. It was probably nothing. ● ● ● ● ● ‘What was that!?’ Twilight woke with a start to a cacophony of the metallic clangs of pots and pans falling from the cupboards onto the kitchen floor. ‘A prowler? A robber? Some sort of book-eating robot!?’ She levitated the lamp off her night-stand, and edged out of her bed, making her way down stairs down to the kitchen. Just outside, she paused to cast a quick illumination spell in the hopes of blinding the intruder. She jumped out and… She saw Porkchop holding a small sauce-pan full of water and a huge pile of pots and pans covering the floor at his feet. Twilight sighed in relief, feeling the tension ease away from her body: it wasn’t a book eating robot. But, on the other hand, this mess just had to be cleaned up. — She took a big breath and levitated all the pots and pans on the floor floated back to their places in the cupboard. “Oh, and you…” Twilight said glaring at Porkchop as magic enveloped him and yanked the pot away. “You need to be dried before I put you away!” Twilight said, addressing the pot of water as she dumped it down the drain and retrieved a towel to dry it off. She completely missed seeing Porkchop sitting in the kitchen, eye twitching.
Chapter 2Chapter 2 The ghostly green glow that surrounded Ryoga grew brighter in the instant before it leapt into the sky, even as his shoulders slumped and his eyes took on a dead and lifeless stare. The malevolent ball of energy flying high before stopping and then crashing down, ruining the technicolor town he stood in, smashing it to pieces and blowing houses, pony’s homes, to rubble. One small house at the edge of the town had escaped from the destruction, but only for a second as Ryoga raised his hand and let loose another Shishi Hokodan — this one didn’t need to be the perfect form, just enough to rend the house to pieces around the few ponies huddling inside. Things were deathly quiet for a few seconds before a breeze picked up and whistled across the wreckage before the relative stillness, too, was broken by a deep and ominous laughter. Ryoga lifted his head, raising his arms to the skies and laughed in a manner that was not altogether sane. “I AM YOUR DOOM!” He cried to the now-dead ponies, who would never to torment him again, crushed beneath the overwhelming power of his depression-fueled Shishi Hokodan. That’s when Ryoga woke in a cold sweat. What a horrible nightmare, he shuddered at the memory. It was one thing to fight back against your oppressors, or when someone attacked you, or when that jerk Ranma provoked you… but it was quite another to go around destroying people’s houses without regard. Being eternally lost, Ryoga had a special place in his heart for his home, and indeed the idea of home in general — he would never intentionally destroy someone’s home, it was just too sacred a place. The very idea was what made the nightmare so disturbing… oh, and the murders, that made it disturbing too. It was almost as disturbing as the throw-rug in his hooves — how the heck had that gotten there? ● ● ● ● ● Spike jumped at the part-snort/part-grunt that Porkchop gave as he bolted awake. It was almost as if the little black piglet had a nightmare — but that was ridiculous… or was it? He vaguely remembered Applejack laughing with Twilight and the others about Winona’s legs twitching as she slept. ‘I wonder what a pig would dream about…’ Spike absently thought, ‘and what would a pig have nightmares about?’ It was one of those odd questions that made you laugh at its absurdity, but still tickled the back of your mind wanting an answer, and indeed it did even as Spike plucked the poor piglet from the basket. “It’s ok, Porkchop.” Spike said, rocking the piglet in his arms (a funny sight, because the piglet was not all that much smaller than Spike), “I’ve got you, and I won’t let anything bad happen to you… I mean what sort of dragon would I be if I did?” Ryoga was comforted by this, oddly enough… though it was pretty discouraging that even here more people cared about him when he was a pig than when he was a human. (Forget, for the moment, that he hasn’t been a human at all since he got to Equestria.) “I was coming to get you anyway, Porkchop.” Spike said, slipping the leash onto the collar underneath the yellow-and-black bandana — it really was a nice, stylish bandana. Spike made a mental note to thank Fluttershy for it, and Rarity too. “Today’s a Pony Pet Playdate! So I’ll get to show you off to everybody.” — — — — — Ryoga was led across the town to a fairly large park where there were several more of the ponies gathered, each with another pet of their own: an orange one with a dog, a pink one with an alligator (Ryoga suppressed a shudder as he remembered Kodachi Kuno and her pet alligator), a yellow one with a rabbit, a blue one with a turtle that had some crazy variant of the helicopter-hat that allowed it to fly, a white one with a cat, and lastly Twilight had an owl. “Let’s go meet everypony; ok, Porkchop?” Spike asked, before half-dragging the piglet to the first introduction: the white unicorn and with her white cat. “Hi, Rarity! This is Porkchop, my new pet!” Spike said with a goofy smile, a smile that Ryoga knew all too well. “Porkchop, this is Rarity and her cat Opalescence.” The white cat glared at the pig for a minute before taking a swipe, which Ryoga dodged expertly, preparing to go on the offensive when the unicorn spoke up. “Opal! You be good, Porkchop hasn’t done anything.” Rarity turned to Spike, “I’m so sorry, Opal’s been in a bad mood all day today.” “Ah, that’s ok Rarity.” Spike said in a tone of voice that Ryoga identified as utterly accepting… the poor kid had it bad. “I still have to introduce him to everypony else.” The young dragon moved on to the next pony, the soft-spoken yellow pegasus that Ryoga had seen yesterday and seemed to be arguing with a small rabbit. “Hey Fluttershy!” Spike greeted, “Did you ever introduce Angel to Porkchop?” “Oh, you named him Porkchop? That’s... interesting.” Fluttershy responded, “No, I don’t think I ever did… Angel doesn’t like going near the piggies, he doesn’t like it when they get mud on his fur.” “Ah, I see.” Spike replied, “Anyway, this is Fluttershy’s rabbit, Angel.” At this point the pink pony jumped in all smiles and excitement, bombarding Spike with questions: “Oh, a new pet! What’s his name? Does he like cake? How about pickles? I hear they’re great for pig’s feet! Do you think that she’ll get along with Gummy? Oh, is it a girl, or a boy? Does it like lollipops?” “Hi Pinkie, this is Porkchop.” Spike said, then began to answer the rest of the questions as best as he could, “I don’t know about cake, or pickles; I don’t see why Porkchop wouldn’t, he’s really well behaved; Porkchop is a boy-pig; and I have no idea if he likes lollipops.” “Hm, I see…” Pinky said, rubbing her chin in a manner that suggested she was planning something. “I’ll be back… just you wait.” With that Pinky trotted off, but Ryoga felt like something was missing… that that would have been the perfect spot for a maniacal laugh. Spike on the other hand took it as a matter of course and led Ryoga to an orange pony playing rambunctiously with a brown dog. “This is Applejack and Winona,” Spike said gesturing to the two as they rolled around on the grass. Applejack paused the play-session as she became aware of the new audience, “Hey there partner, what’s up now?” “I just wanted to introduce you to Porkchop.” Spike replied, proudly showing off the black piglet. “That’s a right-nice piglet, ya got there.” Applejack said, nodding toward Ryoga, “He’s cute enough ta win ya a blue ribbon in the next state-fair.” That’s when the final pony that he hadn’t met, a light-blue one with an eye-catching multi-colored mane made an appearance swooping in on the scene followed by what appeared to be a turtle strapped in an odd helicopter-contraption. “Rainbow Dash!” Spike called, getting her attention, “This is my new pet, Porkchop!” “Well, that’s awesome!” She replied — unknown to Ryoga, Rainbow Dash had been Spike’s main advocate when the pet thing came up with Twilight, she knew Spike was loyal and responsible certainly considering his age. “Thanks for sticking up for me, by the way.” Spike said, genuinely grateful that somepony had, “I don’t think Twilight would have let me get Porkchop if you hadn’t.” “Hey, it’s no big deal… I’m just awesome like that!” Rainbow Dash replied. “Oh, I almost forgot,” Spike indicated the strangely flying turtle, “This is Tank.” Having introduced Porkchop to all of the rest of the pets, Spike made his way over to Twilight who was playing with Owlicious. “Oh, Spike… did you introduce Porkchop to everyone?” she asked when she saw him. “Yep, we just finished.” Spike said with a satisfied nod just as something struck him, “Hey, have we introduced him to Owlicious?” “I don’t think so.” Twilight shook her head. “Well then, Porkchop,” Spike indicated the owl, who was performing some interesting areal maneuvers, “that is Owlicious… he’s also Twilight’s number two assistant.” Ryoga nodded… he’d never remember everybody’s names. This was when his reverie was broken by an explosion — an explosion of cake, confetti, and a cacophony of party-music. “I realized that we haven’t thrown Porkchop a Welcome to Our Group of Pets Party!” Pinky Pie explained as Ryoga squirmed out of the cake that had landed on him. She continued on, frowning “I think I need to get my party cannon fixed.” Ryoga coughed up what was probably a lungful of confetti. ‘Yeah, any more force on that thing and you’ll send someone to the moon!’ Ryoga though. “Let me try again.” Pinkie tweaked some things with the cannon, aiming it at the piglet. “I think he had enough cake though, Pinkie!” Spike said quickly, hoping that she’d listen to him. “Okie-dokie-lokie!” Pinkie Said, all smiles and happiness before suddenly glaring at Ryoga — “I’m watching you…” Ryoga was caught flat footed, this pink pony was definitely strange. Author's Note A little on the light side insofar as the humor goes, but I thought we should get `round to introducing Ryoga to the rest of the Elements (and the pets) sooner rather than later.
Chapter 3Chapter 3 Ryoga was surprised when the front door burst open and three obviously excited fillies barged in almost chanting ‘Twilight Time!’ again and again — one was a white unicorn filly with bi-colored mane; another was a bright orange pegasus, with a scooter and helmet; and the last one an off-white, the color of butter, and had a red mane. Twilight Sparkle, on the other hoof, was obviously expecting it and greeted them with a warm smile before asking them to calm down and get situated. It was during this that Spike took Ryoga out, to do his piggy business, and for a walk as well — which was merciful, considering the red-maned filly had somehow gotten the idea that he’d be good to give some sort of potion to… and with his luck it’d probably lock him in his cursed form or cause him to fall in love or perhaps make him breathe fire. Walking around the town they eventually made their way to one of the few cafes spread around Ponyville; there was a moment where a waitress tripped and almost drenched Ryoga in hot tea. “You’re lucky Porkchop.” Spike commented, watching the wisps of steam rise from the puddles evan as they sank into the earth. ‘Yeah, lucky.’ Ryoga thought sarcastically, crossing his hooves across his chest. ‘…and, as always, it’s bad.’ — — — — — Returning to the tree-library, Spike and Porkchop were greeted with the sounds of the three fillies finishing up their session of Twilight Time and getting into a discussion of what they could do to gain their cutie marks. Ryoga wondered for a moment what a ‘cutie mark’ was before it dawned on him: the odd little pictures on the rumps of most ponies, that must be a cutie mark. He’d kind of assumed that they were just strange, possibly magical, brandings but hearing these three go on and on about how they wanted to get one made him revise that a bit — obviously there was something significant about it, enough to make it desirable. “Oh, I know!” the red-maned one said, “We could go camping and then…” “Cutie Mark Crusader Wilderness Survivors!” all three yelled joyously… until one of them realized something. “Wait, what would that cutie mark look like?” the white one asked the other two. ‘A compass, a travel-pack, a campfire, a tent, a fish and hook, a hiker, a nesting bird, a pair of binoculars…’ Ryoga mentally supplied eight possibilities instantly off the top of his head, having spent a good deal of his life lost (and a good deal of that in the wilderness) he had a good idea of what he was talking about… but, of course, pigs can’t speak and so nobody got to hear his contribution. Twilight overheard this and was a little bit concerned with letting these three out on their own — then Spike caught her eye and she had a thought, a wonderful terrible thought that would obviously test him to the limits of dragon-kind. “Maybe Spike could go with you.” Twilight suggested, “He could be in charge of the campfire.” It was simple really, Spike, being a fire-breathing dragon was quite familiar with it and would do his best to make sure it didn’t get out of hand, likewise the fire itself would keep away the wild animals unless they were in the Everfree forest (which they wouldn’t be). In short, it was the perfect job for her now pet-owning responsible number one assistant. Spike grinned at the idea, “You really mean it Twi?” “Of course I do,” Twilight replied, “you’re responsible now, right?” “You bet!” Spike smiled back and listened to Twilight setting out the details and conditions of their little camping trip, making sure that they had to get permission from their guardians. ● ● ● ● ● “Ok, do you have everything?” Twilight asked for the third time. “Yes, mom.” Spike said sarcastically, earning a glare from his roommate and adopted-sister. ‘And so do I…’ Ryoga thought, rubbing his hooves together in anticipation. “I have everything you put on the list.” Spike said, as he shouldered the backpack, “Triple checked even.” What the diminutive dragon didn’t discern was that his pet pilfered a pan within, too… waiting, and hoping, for a chance to return to his human form. ‘Porkchop’ had been waiting for the chance to go camping for a few days. He could anticipate being back “in his element” and finally able to get away — though he really didn’t bear any ill-will to Spike or the rest of the ponies here, they were certainly kinder to him than a lot of the other places he’d been captured/’adopted’/kidnaped to, but he should still try to find his way back home. “Good.” Twilight Sparkle said, “I’m counting on you to watch out for the Crusaders.” “Yep. It’s a job for your number-one assistant.” Spike replied with a smile on his face — he was actually very happy to be given the responsibility, as it was a way to prove himself. As Spike and Porkchop left, Twilight pulled out a book with a sigh, On The Magical Musical Meter of ‘Mischief Meets Maud in D Minor’ Minus Multiple Monzonite Minuets by M. Pie and D. Draconequus… she really would have to refrain from taking Discord’s advice on reading material, as the book was, by turns, incredibly uninteresting or indecipherably illogical. — — — — — Apple Bloom finished pulling the last guy-line taught and driving the stake into the ground. She smiled, proud of putting the tent up. “Ok. Sweetie Belle, Scootaloo… we’re ready!” “Yay!” Sweetie Belle cried, as Scootaloo did a trick on her scooter. “We’re going to get our cutie marks for wilderness survival for sure!” “You bet. It’ll be the most awesome thing ever!” Scootaloo agreed. “Hey everypony!” A familiar voice called and, turning towards it, the Crusaders saw… “Spike!” the three cried in unison. “Sorry I’m late.” He apologized, “My backpack is a bit heavier than I expected.” “Oh, it’s ok!” Sweetie Bell assured him. “Yeah, we already got the tent up, see!” Scootaloo indicated the tent. “Hey! I did all the work!” Apple Bloom protested, slightly upset about the others taking credit for the work… though that quickly faded into the excitement of the camping trip. “So, what are we going to do for dinner?” Spike asked, well aware of the eight meals in his backpack… both dinner and breakfast, if their little ‘expedition’ as wilderness-survivors would prove not to yield food so readily. “Fishing!” Apple Bloom replied, somehow knowing that camping and fishing go together like cactuses and the desert… besides her brother, Big McIntosh, loved to fish; he said it was an excellent way to relive stress, be close to nature, relax, and get a tasty snack/meal as well as building patience, persistence, and perception. So the five campers made their way to the stream, four of them dropping lines in while the fourth wandered around inspecting various bushes and trees, occasionally breaking off a branch or two, then dragging them over next to the stream to pile them up. After finishing collecting a fair pile of these branches, Ryoga found a sharp rock and, although difficult and tedious to do with hooves, removed little offshoots and began to sharpen points onto the wooden shafts. It was something he had learned long before his fateful trip to China, and after that curse it had taken him a long time to re-learn how to do it in a pig’s body, but he’d had to do it… ‘Stupid monsoon season!’ Ryoga thought as he remembered how he’d been forced to learn. Upon finishing the spear-like wooden shafts came the hard part. He lacked the precision to use them in spear-fishing, but he could drive them into the streambed to make a fishweir. — Grabbing one as best as he could he jumped and thrust downward as hard as he could, driving the spear as well as the mass of his small body could impart. Then expertly landing on the end of the spear’s shaft, driving it further in. Jumping back to the bank, he repeated the process until a line of spears bridged the stream from bank to bank; then he began the second part of the weir: the funnel. When he was finished the completed thing viewed from above was reminiscent of a K, but with a break between the base and the legs thereof. — Now all he had to do was wait… and while he did that, he could fish out the pot he’d stashed in Spike’s backpack, fill it, and start a fire. So far everything was going smoothly and Ryoga was torn between hope and not letting himself hope; no sense in counting his pots of hot water until he had a pot of hot water. “Ya, know…” Apple Bloom said, shaking her head then turning to Spike, “Your pig is really funny.” — — — — — The clouds were gathered together, packed together and darkly crowding the skies; it was good work by the local weather team. The pegasi had done an excellent job, and the storm scheduled for late afternoon through the night would be excellent: heavy rain, lightning, thunder, even a chance of some light hail. Lyra glanced up, scanning the skies trying to gauge when the storm was scheduled to break… she’d forgotten the exact time it was scheduled for. She didn’t want to get caught out in the rain with her lyre, even though she was planning to go out for a walk in the thunderstorm for some inspiration for the music she was working on, it wouldn’t do to let the instrument get wet. Scrambling to finish up her session and get Dave (her name for the instrument) home, she glanced up again just to see lightning jump from cloud to cloud. ‘Yes, I should hurry.’ She thought, using her magic to scoop up the few bits she’d earned from the odd passerby who’d listened to her music as she’d played in the park during the afternoon. Just a few seconds from her front door she felt the first drops splatter on her face, and an instant later she was home and Dave out of the elements. Relaxing, Lyra put the lyre away and retrieved her raincoat and ventured out into the storm… Only to be disappointed, the first raindrops she’d felt must have been a tease, maybe somepony watering their plants, or “premature precipitation”. Rounding the back of the old police station she came out of the city proper and into a nice clearing between the town and nearby stream. Some movement in the distance caught her eye… and held it. — There was a strange creature standing upright, bushy hair held in place by what appeared to be a yellow-and-black piece of cloth (it was either cloth or the strangest set of markings she’d seen, as they didn’t match anything else). It appeared to be wearing a pan as an off-kilter hat, too… which was odd considering the bandanna. Lightning flashed and the rain broke. When her eyes readjusted the strange creature was gone. ‘What was that thing?’ She wondered, wandering to where she thought she’d seen the creature. There was nothing there except for a camp-fire, on the far side of the clearing there was a tent, had they seen the creature? Author's Note Poor Ryoga, he finally gets his hot water… only to be caught in the cold rain.
Chapter 4Chapter 4 “Ok, ma’am, is there anything else you can tell us?” The police-pony asked, as he handed the poor mare another cup of hot coffee. “Y-yes… h-he was n-naked!” Lyra cried, almost hysterical. “And how do you know it was a he?” the other police-pony asked, using his unicorn magic to draw on his notepad. “He was naked.” Lyra responded dryly. “Ah, I see.” the police artist said, making a few alterations — a moment later flipping the pad for Lyra to examine. “How’s this?” Lyra examined the picture a few moments before replying: “The eyes were smaller, more pig-like… and, well, he was bigger.” “Bigger?” the artist echoed, unsure what she meant. Blushing furiously, Lyra nodded… motioning downward on the picture the police artist had produced. “Ah, I see.” He nodded. After a few more alterations the picture was ready and, as the police artist closed the notebook Lyra interrupted. “Um, could I have a copy?” She asked. “Sure.” The artist nodded and, with a flash of his horn, the artist produced a copy for the green mare. Lyra nodded, mumbled some thanks, folded the picture and put it in a pocket of her raincoat and left the police station. A few moments passed before the other officer burst into laughter. “Look, look!” He cried, taking off his hat, “I’m naked!” The police artist gasped in mock shock and then looked down, examining his own body before gasping even louder. “I’m naked, too!” He shrieked with as much hysteria as he could manage. The two police ponies collapsed into a pile of laughter. ● ● ● ● ● Ryoga woke early, before dawn, as he usually did when he was outdoors. If it was his campsite he would have started breakfast, tearing down the tent and packing up while it was cooking, so he could leave with the dawn... well, if he was going to move on from the campsite, obviously. As it was, this equipment wasn’t his and he still needed to find his travel-pack… he thought it was somewhere near that Fluttershy’s house, and that was… South? West? North-East? ‘I haven’t a clue.’ Ryoga admitted to himself in defeat, before his stomach reminded him that he was hungry. ‘But, as long as I’m here…’ Ryoga picked up the pot that had been discarded when he’d turned into a pig last night. It was full of rainwater and so he just dumped a little, placed it on the fire-pit, and broke out some kindling. After the water had heated up he doused himself and returned to his human form. He happily made his way over to his fishing weir, and looked down in hopes of seeing a fish or three in the light of the breaking dawn; there were four fish… with a grin he pulled out one of the three spears he’d made last night and tossed it in. And he was lucky, spearing one right off the bat. After about ten minutes he’d speared all four… not bad at all. He made his way back and started the water boiling again as he started on cleaning and gutting the fish… it would have been hard to do if he hadn’t had a knife, but with the Baksai Tenketsu all he needed was a rock to make a knife… so he never was really without one unless he was separated from his pack and forced into his pig form. Setting the water aside, he spit the fish and set them to cook. Ryoga looked around and grinned: he was almost completely in his element here… aside from his lack of clothes or travel-pack. A moment later and he was reminded that he hadn’t used the bathroom in a while, so he headed toward the treeline. (The obvious answer to your question is ‘yes’ — humans do shit in the woods in Equestria.) After digging a ‘small’ hole to do his business in using his Bakusai Tenketsu he made his way back to the campsite… or tried to. Looking around frantically he couldn’t see the clearing with the tent in it or anything familiar. It was off to the left, he was sure — he ran that way, knocking the occasional tree out of his way before he burst from the forest only to trip over his travel-pack, umbrella, and a thoroughly muddy set of clothes. He quickly opened the pack and retrieved one of his spare outfits and put it on — ah, the clothes felt so good — then he stuffed the dirty old clothes into his ‘dirty clothes’ pouch, shouldered his pack, and took off, intent on making his way back to his own home. ● ● ● ● ● Fluttershy exited her cottage, intent on feeding her furry friends, and even her non-furry friends. As she hauled the bag of feed out the door, she had a bit of a surprise: a strange creature was in the space between the forest’s edge and her land. It stood on its hind legs, like a bear might… only more naturally, more like Spike’s two-legged posture. “Oh, hello there little guy.” Fluttershy spoke up, she always had been more comfortable around different animals than she had been around other ponies. Ironically she had to look up to see into the ‘little guy’s’ eyes, but then again she had a special spot in her heart for big intimidating-looking creatures like manticores and bears and so on. “I wonder what you are?” She said aloud to herself, “I’ve never seen your sort of creature before…” “I’m a human.” The creature replied, “I… well, my name’s Ryoga.” Fluttershy stood there in shock, she hadn’t been expecting a reply but had gotten one anyway. For a few moments she tried to decide whether she should be frightened of the human or not… it certainly wasn’t helping that he was staring at her like that, or that he was moving toward her, or that he was reaching toward her… or that he was lifting the feed-sacks for her? “Let me help with this.” Ryoga said, “I used to work on a couple of farms and ranches…” True to his word Ryoga fed the animals, and very quickly and efficiently, too. Probably due to the monkey-like hands he deftly used — they were amazingly dextrous, and the way Ryoga used them almost made her envious because the whole feeding process was done in a quarter of the time it normally took. “Why, thank you Ryoga.” Fluttershy said happily, smiling at the sudden amount of free time she had. “Um, is there anything I can do for you?” “Well, I am a little lost… so if you have a map you’re not using…” Ryoga was cut off by his stomach growling, “and maybe a bite to eat.” “Oh, are you saying you haven’t had breakfast yet?” Fluttershy was a bit ashamed of herself, she was supposed to be the Element of Kindness and she’d totally forgotten to ask about her guest. “No… I made some breakfast, but then I got lost.” Ryoga admitted in an embarrassed tone. — — — — — After breakfast, Fluttershy produced a map for her guest and walked along with him for a while along his journey — the places that he told here about sounded like they were far, far away and it seemed like Ryoga could use a little company. “Thank you so much.” Ryoga said, looking up from the map with a huge smile. It was probably the eighth or ninth time the human had expressed his gratitude. Something about it made Fluttershy think that kindness was a fairly rare element in his life, which made her feel sad — he seemed like a kind, gentle, and generally decent guy. “Well, I have to be going.” Fluttershy said, having noticed the position of the sun, it wasn’t all that late but she did have plans with Rarity for today. “I hope you have a good trip, Ryoga.” The human grinned in response, “It’s better than most so far! Thanks for all your help.” ● ● ● ● ● When Spike awoke to the smell of cooking food he was happy for only an instant, looking around he couldn’t find Porkchop anywhere. A sense of dread came over him as he kept looking all around the tent, the campsite, the clearing itself. He even woke the Cutie Mark Crusaders, albeit unintentionally, with his near-panicked search. “Hey, Spike, what’s going on?” Scootaloo asked, crawling out of the tent. “Yeah, what’s the problem?” Sweetie Belle echoed her concern. “I-I can’t find Porkchop anywhere!” Spike sobbed, tears flowing down his cheeks even as the smell of burning fish filled the air. Author's Note I'm working on another MLP-crossover comedy which I plan on completing before I post it up, so it might be a while before I update this story. (Hopefully before the end of next week.)
