The Human's Guide to Herding

by ArtColter

Rating: mature
Tags: Slice of Life, Berry Punch, Human, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Colgate, Comedy, Other, Romance, Sex
Length: 4310

A human wakes up in Equestria and immediately gets pulled into one of the decidedly less-human aspects of Equestrian society.

Have you ever woken up in a bed that wasn't your own?

Will Johnson has, and, to make matters worse, it's not even a bed on Earth. And, on top of even that, what is this strange purple creature who is sleeping beside him?

Follow Will as he tries to make sense of his new life in Ponyville, the strange ponies he meets, and their strange mating habits.

(Picture suggested by Pman932)

Published 2014-06-28 19:30:02 UTC
Last updated 2014-07-03 21:05:19 UTC

Wrong Bed, Right Time

Have you ever woken up in a bed that wasn't yours?

I did on that fateful day. And you know the worst part of it? There was no alcohol involved. It would be one thing if I didn't know where I was if I had a blood-alcohol content. But no, I knew exactly where I fell asleep, my own bed, but I did not wake up in that same bed.

No, the bed I woke up in was at least one size narrower and at least one foot shorter. Also, instead of the plain white sheets that I was used to, I was covered by a very colorful stitched quilt.

But there was one more thing, which I didn't realize until I tried to move. I wasn't alone in the bed. Again, no alcohol involved, there shouldn't be a stranger in my bed. But, then again, seeing as this isn't my bed, perhaps I am the stranger in its bed. The other individual was curled up against my right side, my right arm very gently laid across its back. I had to look down to get a good look at it, and I immediately made two observations: it wasn't a human, and it was a very nice color.

The other thing in the bed was mainly purple in color, and I could tell from its body being against my side that it was covered in fur. It had hair on its head that stuck out from the rest of it and also a tail which were a slightly darker purple color, like the color of grapes. I could only see its tail because the appendage was hanging off the bed.

At first, I worried that I had been the subject of some cruel joke. Like someone had moved me while I was sleeping, dyed a dog, and placed both of us in the same bed. However, I quickly threw this idea away because one, I didn't have any friends who would do such a thing, and secondly, it was definitely not a dog. It's snout was too curved, and its eyes, which were still closed at the moment, seemed over-sized. I was also pretty sure that it had eyelashes.

The best course of action, I decided, was to get out of the bed and let this other creature, whatever it was, rest. However, upon attempting to get up, I found that I couldn't. Its head was resting on my chest, and its foreleg was wrapped around my torso, holding me in place like a body pillow.

Realizing this, I went to plan B, which was to wake up the creature and get it to move. Very carefully, I brought my right arm up to its shoulder and gave a little shake. It moved in aggravation, like a little kid that didn't want to get up for school. I carefully gave a second shake, and what happened then blew my mind.

"Uhh," it moaned in a distinctly feminine voice, "five more minutes."

My jaw about came unhinged. It had talked! OK, now I was definitely either hallucinating or dreaming. Couldn't be drunk, no alcohol, remember?

"Umm," I stated slowly, not sure what to do, "I want to get up, would you mind moving?"

To its credit, it did move, just not in the direction I wanted. Now, instead of being against my side, it was now fully on top of me. Its head moved to beside my head, its forelimbs wrapped around my neck.

Then I heard what sounded like somebody smacking their lips together. The other creature in the bed then pushed up on its forelimbs, allowing its head to be above and look down at me. I could now see the pink-purple color of those over-sized eyes.

"Great," it smiled, "you're awake."

OK, that confirmed that I hadn't been hearing things before, it had indeed spoken. I was freaking out on the inside, but was trying to keep my cool.

"Yes," I replied, "I'm awake. Would you mind letting me up?"

"I was really worried about you," it said.

"What do you mean? Who are you?"

"Oh, right, my name's Berry Punch. What's yours?"

"William Johnson, Will for short. And I'm confused."

"You don't remember anything?"

"Oh God, there was alcohol involved!"

"Not for you, for me maybe, but not for you."

"Still confused."

"OK, see, I was about to go to bed last night when I heard a crash on my roof. Scared the shit out of me. Anyways, I went outside to take a look, and found you face-down on my Welcome mat. Not knowing what you were or where you came from, and it being too late to find somepony who would, I decided to bring you inside."

"Was I asleep at the time?"

"Yeah, you were heavy as fuck. You must weight what, 220 pounds or so?"

"Good guess."

"Anyway, it took all my drunken strength to get you up here and into bed. And then I just decided to sleep next to you, because why not?"

"You could have just left me on the floor, you know?"

"Yeah, but that wouldn't have been neighborly of me. Especially not with some creature that I don't know. What are you, anyway?"

"I'm a human. Look, I don't even know how I got here. And, Berry you said your name was?"

"Yep."

"Can I ask a question? You didn't do anything to my sleeping body, did you?"

"Like what?"

"Like any frisky stuff."

"Of course not, what kind of bucker do you think I am? But," at this point her eyes got this kind of mischievous look to them, "we could now that you're awake. If you want to, that is."

There went my jaw again. Had I just been propositioned by a talking purple creature.

"Run that by me again?"

"Sorry, that might be the hangover horniness talking. Although," she took a look back for a second, "you seem to be feeling it yourself."

For a moment, I wasn't sure what she was talking about. Then I remembered something important. You see, on Earth, I sleep nude. I know, most people wouldn't understand it. I don't even remember when or why I started doing it, but I do. And at this moment, I realized that I was naked. Naked in bed with a feminine creature I hardly knew. And, on top of that, the morning wood was in full effect, damn blood flow.

"Uh, Berry, I don't think we're on the same page."

"If we weren't, then you wouldn't be so hard."

"It's a human thing, OK. Nothing against you, I'm sure you're very pretty among your species, whatever that happens to be."

"I'm a pony."

"That explains a lot."

"Oh come on," she brought her head to the side of mine and rubbed, in what I could only assume was an affectionate gesture, I could smell the alcohol, "it'll be fun."

I was dumbfounded, "Berry, I think you're still drunk from last night."

"Nonsense," she said, rising back up and dismissively waving what I now knew was a hoof, "Besides, we're two consenting adults."

"You're don't give up, do you?"

"Nope," she now nuzzled her muzzle into my neck, which caused her lower body to slide further down, "I'm horny, you're horny, and morning sex is the best. That's all the reason I need."

I couldn't believe the forwardness of this pony. On the other hand, my body and nature were betraying me, as I could feel myself becoming aroused even though it was a pony that was doing the arousing.

"This is so wrong," I muttered, "OK."

Berry quickly raised her head up upon hearing this, her eyes much brighter than before.

"You, my human friend, are the best."

"I try," I sighed, still not sure what I had gotten myself into.

"Now, I think with your anatomy it would be easiest if I just," she began sliding her body lower on me until I could feel a familiar warm sensation on my cock.

Eventually, she reached where she wanted to be, lifting her rump slightly to give me space to maneuver. I decided I was going to let her lead, lest I have to defend myself later.

She reached down with one of her front hooves, cradling my cock in her wrist. I expected it to feel rough, but it was surprisingly smooth, almost velvety. She then guided my member to her pony pussy, and slid it in.

It felt amazing. It was warm but soft, wet yet still pretty tight. In shorter terms, it was the best I had ever felt.

To my surprise, Berry laid herself back on top of me. I had expected her to take the reins of control, but instead she seemed to  pass control to me.

"You sure, Berry," I asked, not wanting to do anything she didn't want me to do.

"Sure I'm sure. I'll tell you if I need you to stop. Don't think I will though, damn you feel good in there."

The OK given, I did the only thing I could do from this position. I reached my hands down to her flanks and latched on. This caused Berry to give a bit of a gasp, but that was nothing compared to the heavy breathing that started once I began bouncing my hips a bit.

"Ooohh, yes," Berrry moaned, "just like that. Aahh, at this rate, I won't last five minutes."

My sex drunk self decided to take that a challenge, squeezing her flanks tighter and bucking a little faster.

"How about this, Berry," I asked, my mind completely lost.

Berry pushed herself up on her forelegs, so that she could look at me. The look in her eyes screamed lust, and I was a bit afraid of what I had unleashed.

"Perfect," sh purred as best she could with the bouncing, "Don't stop until I cum, you hear me. You stop and I will smack you so hard."

"No problem."

We continued like this a few minutes more. Berry's moans and groans of delight increased in regularity and volume, building up to her climax.

"Oh yeah, oh yeah, I'm so close. I'm so close, Will, just a little further...aaaHHHH!"

Berry's whole body went stiff, from her hooves to her tail as she peaked in glorious climax. Her pussy gushed with juices as her vaginal walls clamped down on my cock and milked it for my own orgasm, which somehow or other, didn't come.

When her orgasm ceased, Berry gently laid herself back down on top of me, panting heavily. Looking up at me, she crawled her way up to my face, removing my cock from her pussy in the process. When we were nose-to-muzzle, she kissed me. It was a really tired kiss, like she was completely spent.

"You OK, Berry," I asked.

"Yeah," she panted, "just give me a minute. Taste me?"

I gave a nod, figuring that if I've come this far, I might has well. She rolled to the side, and I got up off of the bed. She continued to roll to her back and splayed herself out on the bed length-wise, but I knew that wasn't going to work. Very gently, I grabbed her hips and rotated her so that she was laying across the bed.

I went to my knees, lining myself up with her. From this position, I could actually see her lower lips for the first time, and I was surprised. They looked no different than a human woman's, she even possessed a clitoris.Now I know a few things about horse anatomy, and this was not it. But given the color coats, manes, tails, and the fact they could speak, I already knew that I wasn't dealing with an average equine.

I began with an experimental lick, running all the way up and ending with a flick of her clit, which caused Berry to moan once more. She tasted like strawberries, or strawberry wine to be more precise. After getting used to the pleasantly sweet taste, I dived back in, happily eating out this mare.

However, only a minute or two passed before Berry started making a whining sound. Looking up and to her face, I thought I was doing something wrong, but the look on her face told me otherwise.

"Sorry," she apologized, "it feels great. But I really need you back inside me, it's too much."

Smiling, I stood back up. At first, I considered just keeping her on her back, but then I thought of something. I decided to mount her, the way a pony was naturally built to have sex. Gently grabbing her hips again, I flipped her over. At this point, I noticed a matching pair of brands, one on each flank. The picture was of a bunch of grapes and a strawberry, which I thought was fitting.

Berry, knowing what she wanted, rose to her hind legs, lifting her flank in the air, her tail moving to the side. She kept her face on the bed, resting. Once again, I gave her flank a gentle squeeze, lining myself up. Easily, I slipped myself in again, her pussy even wetter than it had been before. I started slow, rhythmically pushing all the way in and pulling almost all the way out. However, it wasn't long before Berry was calling for me to fuck her harder and faster, which I happily obliged.

As the minutes passed, I could feel myself getting close to my release. I tried my best to ignore my feelings, wanting badly to give Berry another orgasm. Fortunately, I didn't have to wait long for the horny mare to reach this point.

"Just a little more," Berry panted, "I'm gonna cum even more than the first time. Damn you're good."

Her praise was not lost on my body, which began to almost involuntarily pick up speed and power. Each thrust brought us closer and closer until I was about to burst.

"Ugh, Berry," I grunted, "I don't know how much longer I can last."

"Please, just a few more seconds, I want to make you cum. Oh Will, just...right...there...AAAHHHH!"

Her second orgasm felt even better than the first. Her warm juices coated my cock and even splashed onto my pelvis. Her pussy contracted and squeezed, desperately wanting me to fill her.

That was it, I couldn't take any more. With one last thrust, I buried my cock as deep in Berry as I could. My cock gave a massive twitch as it released heavy ropes of semen into the mare. After five or six big spurts and a couple of smaller ones, I was finally done. I slipped my juice-covered cock out of Berry, who promptly flopped onto her side in exhaustion.

Normally, I would worry about cleaning up, but that didn't concern me at the moment. Berry shifted to her side on the bed, just trying to get her breath back. Deciding to be of help, I laid down behind her, pressing my chest into her back and rubbed her chest with my free hand.

"So," I said once I could take a deep breath again, "what now?"

Clothes For a Monster

As much as I would have liked to, I had no plans to just stay in bed all day. With that in mind, I got up and wandered a short distance until I found Berry's bathroom. My original plan was to take a shower, but I soon found a logistical problem. The shower head was all of four feet high, perfect for a pony, I suppose, but much too short for me. Fortunately, Berry's shower was also a bathtub which  was still a bit short, but it would do the trick.

After fiddling with the taps for a while I had finally hit on the perfect water temperature and drew the bath. It filled up quickly and I slunk myself in, the warm water doing an excellent job of relaxing me. However, I wasn't alone in this state for long.

"I thought I head something," turning, I saw Berry standing in the doorway. I had obviously forgotten to lock the door.

"Yeah. I hope you don't mind."

"Not at all," she waved her hoof, "In fact, I have half a mind to join you."

"Oh do you now," I chuckled, "I don't think this tub will hold both of us."

"It will if I lay on top of you."

This was one oversexed mare. In the back of my mind, I wondered if all ponies were like this.

"You just don't like the word 'No', do you?"

"What can I say, I like being in charge," she explained as she made her way over, "That's why I'm my own boss."

"Fair enough," I shrugged as best I could with my arms up on the sides of the tub, "So does that mean you're just going to order me around?"

"No, that would be wrong. But I am going to tell you what I want. And judging from earlier, you like knowing what I want."

I chuckled again as I let my right arm, the one closer to Berry, slide down the side of the tub.

"Well, are you coming or not?"

Berry smirked as she climbed and stumbled into the tub, landing on top of me with a splash of water and a grunt from me.

"Ah," Berry sighed, running her forelegs against my sides, "this is nice. Oh, I know what would be even better."

Berry squirmed and shifted, eventually flipping herself over to where her back was against my chest. She somehow grabbed my arms with her forehooves and crossed them over her body, forcing me to hold her.

"Comfortable," I asked, hoping that her moving about in the small space was over with.

"Very," she replied as she began swishing her tail under the water, hitting one of my thighs and then the other.

"So," I asked after a period of silence, "what do you have planned for the rest of the day?"

"Not really. My only thought about today was whether I was going to have a hangover. You dropping in kind of changed that."

"Sorry. I honestly have no idea how I got here. I fell asleep in my bed and woke up in yours."

"No problem. But as you did drop in, I guess that changes things somewhat."

"Yeah. I'd suggest going somewhere, but obviously I don't know where. Not to mention, I'm a little worried about how the other ponies will treat me."

"Oh don't worry about them. You'd be surprised what kind of strange creatures pop up here every once in a while. You're nothing."

The silence resumed as we enjoyed our bath. Intermittently, I would rub Berry's chest or forelegs, and she seemed to enjoy that. Eventually, the water started to get cold, a sure signal to get out of the tub. After we dried ourselves off, I wrapped the towel around my waist, a gesture which confused Berry.

"What are you doing with the towel," she asked.

"Well I just realized a second ago that I don't have any clothes," I answered as I finished tucking the towel in, "This will have to do until I can figure something out."

"What do you need clothes for? If you haven't noticed, I'm naked."

"Yeah, I noticed," I rolled my eyes, "But humans wear clothes for a reason. If you haven't noticed, my package is outside my body."

"I did notice. Weird, but interesting at the same time. I suppose you're protective of your friends."

"It's not just that. It's a matter of anatomy. You see, human males can get an erection at anytime. It's controlled by bloodflow. And the last thing I want is to go walking around sporting a stiff one."

"So you can get aroused anytime," Berry asked, a gleam coming to her eye that I recognized.

"Yes."

"So if I just did this," she sauntered toward me and nuzzled her snout into my groin. This caused me to come to half-mast, much to her amusement, "Oh, fun."

"Please don't abuse this knowledge."

"I won't...at least, not in public."

"Back to the matter of clothes. Is there a tailor in this town?"

"There's a seamstress, yeah. But if you ask me, walking outside in that towel would just be ridiculous."

"I know, I know. Give me a minute," it was at this point that I noticed a neatly folded white sheet off to the side of Berry's room. Reaching for it, it was indeed a bedsheet, "This will do nicely."

I disrobed and began working the bedsheet around my body, wrapping it around my torso and shoulders. When i was finished, I turned to face Berry.

"That looks even more ridiculous. What do you call it?"

"It's called a toga. People used to wear it in ancient times."

"Then how do you know how to make one?"

"Frat parties."

"What the what?"

"Basically, they're big parties where people get together to drink, fuck, and act stupid. Sometimes, they dress in togas for reasons that I'm not entirely sure of."

"Sounds like my kind of party."

"Yeah, yeah.  Let's go."

Berry and I exited her house. It was probably close to noon already, judging by the sun. Berry led me to where I wanted to go, with me having no knowledge of the town in which I found myself.

The other ponies that we passed had a mix of reactions. I could see older ponies protectively huddling their fillies and colts. But most of the ponies didn't seem to even notice me. It seemed Berry was right, at least, for awhile.

"Berry, look out," a voice cried out, coming from behind us.

I spun around to see a blue blur coming straight for my head. Luckily for me, I ducked just in time, the wind from the fly-by almost blowing my toga off. The blue blur, realizing that it had missed, did a U-Turn. This time, it flew a little lower, so instead of ducking, I simply side-stepped out of the way. After this pass, the blur stopped, causing me to realize what it really was. A blue pony, with wings, no less, and a striking rainbow mane and tail.

"Rainbow cut it out," Berry shouted. If that was this pegasus' name, it was fitting.

"Be careful, Berry," the pegasus cried like before, "that large monster was following you."

"Monster," I said loud enough for the pegasus to hear me, "I am far from a monster."

"Just cause you can talk doesn't mean you're not dangerous."

"But he's not dangerous, Rainbow Dash," Berry protested, "Just leave him alone."

"OK," Rainbow said warily, "But I got my eye on you tall thing."

Berry and I ignored her and continued on our way. Soon, we were standing in front of a large building whose outside design reminded me of a merry-go-round.

"Here it is," Berry said, "Carousel Boutique. If anypony can make you clothes, it's Rarity."

As we stepped inside, a little bell rang.

"Coming," said a bright, accented female voice. Not two seconds later, a unicorn with a very curly purple mane and tail entered the front room, "How can I..AAAAAAHHHHH!"

That pony's scream could rival anybody's. I'm surprised it didn't shatter the building's windows.

"Rarity it's OK," Berry said, "calm down."

"Berry Punch, I demand to know what that thing is and why you have brought it into my boutique."

"Ms. Rarity," I slowly asked, even though she had called me a 'thing' I decided to remain as polite as possible, "My name is Will, I'm what's known as a human. I need your help."

Rarity was shaking a bit, but she held her ground.

"OK," she replied, "what do you want?"

"I've heard your a very good seamstress," I explained, laying it on thick to help my case, "I arrived here by mistake, and I have no clothes. I was wondering if you could make some clothes for me."

"Well...at least that explains why you're wrapped up in a bedsheet."

"Exactly. Could you help a guy out here?"

"That depends. What did you have in mind?"

"Just some short pants. They would be about knee-length," I reached down to my knees to show what I meant, "Do you know what polyester is?"

"Of course, darling."

First she screamed and called me 'thing,' now she's smiling and calling me 'darling'. These ponies are strange.

"Excellent," I exclaimed, "Shorts are a very simple design. An elastic waistband to hold them to my hips, and then solid fabric on down, leaving room for my legs to breathe."

"I believe I understand," her horn glowed blue, and in a flash, a pencil, pad and measuring tape appeared, a moment later, Rarity put on a pair of small red glasses, "Let us begin."

"Begin what, exactly," I asked, I suppose I should have known, but then again I had no idea how she just made those objects appear.

"Begin measuring you, of course. I can't very well make you anything if I don't know your size."

"Fair enough," I began unraveling myself from the toga.

"Uh, Will," Berry said, "aren't you worried about you-know-what?"

"Not really," I replied, "Rarity seems like a professional."

It didn't take Rarity very long to take my measurements. Berry and I soon left the Carousel Boutique with a promise from Rarity that her first attempt at my leggings would be complete in a day or two. I was confident that she would figure it out.

"It's early in the afternoon," I quipped to Berry as we walked back through Ponyville, "What are we going to do now?"

"Oh, I know. Let's go see my best friend."

"Who's your best friend?"

"Her name's Minuette. She's the local dentist. Come on."

"D-Dentist?"