The Kenneighdy Assassination
The Kenneighdy Assassination
Nearly fifty years ago
Canterlot
“PRESIDENT KENNEIGHDY STOPS GIFFION MISSILE CRISIS!” the newspaper headlines read, as Princess Celestia put down her morning coffee.
“Can you believe this, Luna?” she asked her midnight blue sister.
“No, dear sister, I cannot.” Luna replied. “We have missiles? Why don’t we use them more often? I mean, it be like, ’Hey Discord, look up.’ KABOOM, and then there it would be raining chunks of him throughout the land. Also isn’t this supposed to be in the past when I’m banished on the moon?”
“We’re making a parody about a national tragedy,” Celestia quipped. “If continutity is our biggest problem, then we’ve either done something wonderfully right or horribly wrong. Anyways, what I was getting at is that this little upstart is getting all the attention and has gotten the populace to start thinking about making Equestria more democratic.”
“Is that necessarily a bad thing?”
“Not in theory, but once they get compliant with it, democracy will bring forth the most evil thing in existence.”
“You don’t mean-“
“Yes, cable news networks!”
“Dear Faust, he must be stopped!”
“I’m glad you are in agreement Luna. This calls for our best agent.”
“Agent 47?”
“The author doesn’t play those games.”
“Samuel L. Jackson?”
“We don’t have the budget.”
“Scaramanga?”
“Nobody’s going to get that one. Now think sister, we need the most ruthless, cunning, and dangerous bounty hunter in order to take Kenneighdy down.”
“WE”RE GOING TO GET BOBA FETT?!”
Celestia processed to smack Luna upside the head.
Fluttershy was quietly knitting in her cottage when her telephone rang.
“Hello,” She said, picking up the receiver.
“Agent Shy Guy,” the ominous voice on the other end replied. “We have a new assignment for you. We are faxing over the details as we speak.”
“Understood,” Fluttershy responded, moving over to the far wall of her living room. Pulling on one of the corners of a picture frame revealed her secret base of operations. It consisted of a small space just capable of holding a desk with a fax machine and computer monitor. Secret lairs can’t all be as cool as Batman’s.
Fluttershy turned her attention to said fax machine, where a single photo was being printed, along with some information on the bottom. The picture was of President Kenneighdy.
“Your objective is to eliminate this target,” the voice said. “He will be visiting Ponyville within the week. Make sure he doesn’t leave.”
“Don’t worry,” Fluttershy said. “I’m sure he’ll find the town is to die for.”
One week later.
There was a crowd of ponies littering the streets as they all prepared for the cars and floats to arrive in celebration of President Kenneighdy’s appearance.
Fluttershy was there too, dressed in a large, brown, leather trench coat, baseball cap, and sunglasses. Looking around, she noticed a rather ordinary stallion alone in the crowd. “Perfect.”
Approaching the stallion, Fluttershy removed her hat and glasses. ”Um, excuse me sir?” She timidly poked the stallion
“Yes?” he replied.
“I was wondering if you would ever be so kind and killpresidentkenneighdyforme?” Fluttershy said, hiding her face in her mane.
“What was that, little lady?”
“I was wondering if you could kill president Kenneighdy for me, if it wouldn’t be too much trouble.” Fluttershy reached into her coat and pulled out a large caliber rifle. “I even got this just in case.”
“Where were you hiding that?”
“You don’t want to know,” Fluttershy said “Or do you? Anyways would you? Please?” Fluttershy said, looking like a helpless little puppy.
Overwhelmed by Fluttershy’s cuteness, the stallion couldn’t refuse, “Okay, but just for you,” he said, grabbing the rifle.
“Oh, and if it is too much to ask, please don’t tell anyone I requested that you do this.”
Several days later
“Well, that went along easier than I expected,” Fluttershy said, checking her bank account on her computer. “Let’s see if Celestia finally paid me.”
She noticed a payment was made to her account, a rough sum of 40,000 bits.
“40,000 bits! She lowballing me!” Fluttershy said indigent. “Well, we’ll make sure she doesn’t do that again.”
Fluttershy made her way into town. Entering the local tavern, she found the owner.
“Excuse me, sir, I was wondering if you would help me kill the President’s assassin.”
“And that is how Fluttershy killed the President,” Pinkie Pie said to her stunned friends.
Everypony else just stared, opened-jawed at what they just heard. Rainbow Dash was the first to regain her composure.
“WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?”
“It was how Fluttershy kill the president, duh. Weren’t you paying attention?” Pinkie replied.
“Pinkie, that story is clearly wrong. Celestia was a great friend of Kenneighdy. She would never have wanted him dead. In fact, she was extremely upset when it happened.” Twilight Sparkle said.
“And on top o’ all that, Fluttershy’s only 23,” Applejack said, “Ain’t no way she was alive back then.”
“And that sweet Fluttershy here could really be a contract killer is unthinkable,” Rarity said, comforting Fluttershy, who was softly crying.
“And what was with the whole continuity stuff at the beginning? And why was Luna there?” Rainbow Dash said. “Pinkie, your story make no sense.”
“Of course it doesn’t, silly. None of this is real.”
“Huh?”
“This is all a dream, Dashie.”
“What?”
“AH!” Rainbow Dash yelped, springing up from the couch where she was taking a nap. Looking around, she calmed herself.
“Everything alright in there, Rainbow?” Twilight asked, entering the room.
“Yeah, just had a really weird dream about Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy.”
“Oh, should I be getting jealous then?” Twilight said, coming over and planting a light kiss on Rainbow Dash’s lips.
“Nah, I think they’re more jealous of you.” Rainbow Dash said, returning the kiss.
Twilight giggled and made her way back to the kitchen. “Dinner’s ready when you are.”
“Sweet,” Rainbow Dash said, flying toward the table. “What are we having?”
“Your favorite,” Twilight turned around to produce a thoroughly cooked Spike, eyes shut and with a red juicy apple in his mouth on a silver platter with trimmings. “Roasted Spike.”
“AH,” Spike nearly jumped out of the crate which he called a bed. “Oh, geez,” he said, regaining his comporsure. “That’s the last time I eat three tubs of ice cream before bed.”
Looking at his watch, he realized what time it was. “Oh boy, I’m going to be late.”
Springing up out of bed, he made his way outside, where he grabbed a link of beef jerky from the tree of skull before making his way to the train stop, where the Starship Enterprise lay in port, ready to set sail to on floating chocolate stream up to the great giant vagina in the orange and purple polka dotted sky.
Author's Note
Da fuck I just write?
The Kenneighdy Assassination
“YAAH!” Twilight Sparkle said, waking from her dream. “Okay, no more Nolan. This is worse than the time I started to wear eye shadow and talk incomprehensibly.”
Moving to her kitchen, Twilight got herself a glass of water when Pinkie Pie entered.
“Hey, Twi! How you been?” she asked.
“So-so. Just had a really weird Inception style nightmare.”
“Inception? What’s that?”
“You know, the dream within a dream movie with the BAWHAM sound effect.”
“Never seen it.”
“Well I got to show it to you, it’s BAWHAM.”
“What was that Twilight?”
“I was just BAWHAM you that BAWHAM was BAWHAM.”
“You feeling alright Twi?” Pinkie was visibly concerned as she backed away from Twilight.
“BAWHAM BAWHAM BAWHAM BAWHAM?” Twilight replied
“WHAT’S GOING ON?”
“BAWHAM!”
“JESUS!” Pinkie Pie said, waking up. Noticing where she was, she let out a long sigh. “Great one of those dreams again.”
“What type of dream, Pinkie?” Fluttershy said.
Pinkie and the rest of her friends had decided to hold a sleepover, and her outburst appeared to have awoken Fluttershy.
“It was one of those multi-layered stories where there’s always a fake out at the end just for a cheap ‘What it real?’ shock.”
“What was yours about?”
“Well it started off with you assassinating President Kenneighdy, then it turned into me telling everyone about you killing him, then Spike got cooked and I lost track after that.”
“Oh my, you don’t think I could have done something that awful, do you Pinkie?”
“Course not silly-billy.” Pinkie got up “Just a weird dream I had, that’s all.”
“Oh, that’s good.” Fluttershy sighed.
Turning to the kitchen, Pinkie asked “Want anything to eat, I’m getting me some fudge.” But turning around, she noticed Fluttershy was missing. “Huh? Must have gone to the little filly’s room.”
Fluttershy removed the odd metal helmet from her head. Detaching the wires, she took off a similar looking device from Pinkie head. The pink party pony was sleeping peacefully. Returning both helmets to her briefcase, Fluttershy made her way to the door.
“Works every time.” She said as she blended in with the normal hustle and bustle of Ponyville.
Author's Note
Have some Pi
Edited by: Alovelylittlecomplex
