Rabbit Slayer's Day in Ponyville
“...Uhm, I’m sorry, Angel-bunny”, Fluttershy said, “but you know the rules... You’ll have to stay inside today.”
The little white bunny was stomping on the ground, pointing at the door. Rays of golden, tempting sunlight were flooding into the cottage. It was a beautiful day, perhaps the most beautiful day in all of spring- but it was not a good day for rabbits.
“...No, Angel. It’s just not safe for you. You can play outside as much as you want tomorrow.”
Angel was jumping up and down, making faces and gestures that do not deserve to be described in detail. How infuriating it was not to be able to express your anger with words!
“...There, there. I’ll make you a nice big salad, that’ll cheer you up. In fact, I think I’m going to stay with you all day! We can play games, draw with crayons... You like the little crayons, don’t you?”
Angel sighed. That was probably better than nothing.
That’s when they heard a howling outside, as if a whirlwind had appeared right on Fluttershy’s front lawn.
Rainbow Dash kicked the door open.
“FLUTTERSHY! What are you still doing here? We’re all waiting for you! We need you for the preparations, remember?”
“...Oh, my, I forgot all about that... I’ll be there right away...”
“No- you’ll come with me right NOW. And off we go!”
Rainbow grabbed her friend by the rump and dragged her away.
“...Oh my...”
Angel grinned. Rainbow Dash had left the door open. So much for having to stay inside all day.
When he had almost passed the doorstep, the door was slammed right into his face. It took a few seconds for his vision and consciousness to return. Next to the door, there was a big polecat snickering like a comic book villain. Marla.
The mustelid flung a piece of paper into the bunny’s face. It was a note from Fluttershy.
Dear Angel-bunny,
I told Marla to watch over you today should I have to leave the house. Please, try to understand, and be nice to her. We are only trying to keep you from getting hurt.
Love,
FS
Angel lowered the note so he could look at the polecat. He didn’t care for her big, toothy grin.
-
It was the Rabbit Slayer’s festival, celebrating the defeat of the vicious Bunny of the East at the hooves of Princess Celestia and Princess Luna, many centuries ago.
Most of Ponyville was decorated with flower petals and painted eggs in all shapes and sizes. Rarity had really outdone herself this year.
Ponyville was hosting the traditional fair. In the evening, there would be a bonfire and a big dance. As usual, it was up to Fluttershy to supervise the rehearsals of the songbirds. Sugar Cube Corner would provide the buffet.
The main event, as far as Ponyville’s foals and pinkie pies were concerned, was the big egg hunt on Sweet Apple Acres. The adults of the Apple family had been busy hiding the colorful eggs all over the orchard.
“What do you say, girls”, Scootaloo said, “Think we can get an egg-hunting cutie-mark?”
“If there even is such a thing, it's as good as ours”, Apple Bloom replied. "And then we can work in reproductive medecine or something."
The two other foals stared at her for a moment.
"What? I'm a simple farm pony with simple dreams."
Sweetie Belle shrugged and produced a yellow egg with blue stripes from a deserted rabbit hole.
She examined her find with the eyes of a connaisseur. “I think this one has my dear sister’s hoofwriting on it. One of her better works, may I add.”
But Apple Bloom frowned.
“Say, don’t you think it’s strange we celebrate the crucifixion of an evil bunny monster by chasing eggs? And why do all the little bunnies have to be locked away?”
“I dunno. Same reason I guess why we shower goats with grated cheese on St.Parmesan’s Day: ‘caus it’s traditional!”
“I always felt kinda sorry for them goats.”
“Nah. It’s all in good fun.”
Sweetie Belle giggled in triumph as she found yet another egg, this one jammed underneath a rock.
“Nice work!”, Scootaloo said, “You’re really good at this!”
“My sister takes me gem hunting sometimes.”
“Well I prefer chocolate eggs over boring old gems every day.”
“Hey”, Apple Bloom protested as her pegasus friend peeled and swallowed one of their eggs, “We can’t eat them just yet! We need them for the prize!”
“Relax. With Sweetie Belle on our team, we’ll have more than enough to win.”
“Don’t be so sure about that...”
Apple Bloom pointed at a pink creature that was lurking through the orchard, its nose on the ground like a truffle hog, wearing a fake pig snout and emitting grunt noises.
Pipsqeak was riding on its back, cheering it on. “Go, Pinkie, go!”
The pink earth ponies’ head disappeared into a tree stump, and a second later she sqealed in triumph. A green egg was thrown into the air, where it was caught by Pipsqueak and dropped into their saddle pack.
“Yeah... Maybe we should speed things up a little.”
Sweetie Belle pulled an egg out of one of Apple Bloom’s ears.
Not a second later, Pinkie Pie had materialized by their side. She narrowed her eyes, sniffed the air and pulled two eggs out of Apple Bloom’s nostrils.
“Oh, it is ON!”, Sweetie Belle exclaimed.
Still dizzy, Apple Bloom said:
“Seriously, I have NO idea whatsoever how they got in there. I’m kinda freaking out. Woah...”
Pinkie had turned her upside down and started shaking her. Sweetie Belle and Pipsqueak were fighting over the eggs that were raining to the ground.
Meanwhile, Scootaloo was gazing up into the trees. If only she was already a full-grown flyer like Rainbow Dash! Right now, her wings were still too weak to carry her nearly as high or as far as she would have loved.
Ha! What do you know? There was a nest full of colorful eggs, just up that branch! Scootaloo picked up a nearby ladder and started climbing.
When she got close enough to grab the eggs, though, she was staring right into two black, glossy eyes and a beak.
“Raaah!” The bird was screaming and pecking at her nose. He was very, very angry.
“Stop it! You’re CRAZY! Those are CANDY eggs! What are you, colorblind? Get off me!”
The adoptive father didn’t even consider that option. He started pushing Scootaloo unti ladder and foal fell to the ground.
“Owie... What is wrong with you, you stupid...”
She was interrupted by a chocolate egg exploding on her forehead. Followed by five more.
For a moment, the little pegasus foal and the bird were just staring at one another, the foal covered in chocolate and candy wrappers, the bird now standing in an empty nest.
The horror on the bird’s face was unmistakable.
“Well then”, Scootaloo said, “I hope you have learned a valuable lesson about BEING CRAZY.” She walked off, shaking her head. “SOME people, really... Waaah!”
She had fallen a second time, this time by dropping into a hole in the ground.
“Now that’s just peachy.”
-
In Ponyville proper, Rainbow Dash had finished another cloud patrol. The sky needed to be perfectly clear today.
She was just going on a little stroll over the fair when she spotted a familiar face.
“Hey Spike! Whassup?”
“Shhh!”
The little dragon dragged Rainbow behind a stand.
“I need to hide from Twilight”, he whispered.
The pegasus frowned. “Why’s that?”
“Because it’s Rabbit Slayer’s Day!”
“Oh”, Rainbow said. “Wait. I don’t get it.”
“I was given to her as an egg, remember? Now every Rabbit Slayer’s, she’s got this strange... obsession.”
“Obsession?”
He grabbed her by the shoulders, shaking her. His eyes were widened by terror.
“She is going to PAINT me, Rainbow Dash!”
The filly was just staring at him for a moment. Then her cheeks inflated like a puffer fish, and she burst out into laughter.
“It’s not funny! What about my dignity! I’m not some sort of Rabbit Slayer’s decoration!”
Rainbow was rolling on the ground by now.
“Whatever. Laugh all you want, but there will be no painted Spike this year, nossir. Rainbow...?”
The pegasus had stopped laughing and was getting ready to pounce him.
“Oh no... Oh no...”
“Special delivery for Twilight Sparkle”, Rainbow chirped.
A few seconds later, the citizens of Ponyville witnessed a blurry, purplegreen and rainbow-colored object racing through the sky. The strange flying object was making a very distinctive sound.
“Traiiiiiiiitor...!”
When the object reached the library, its purplegreen part split off and dropped into the building, shattering a window in the process.
-
Angel wasn’t happy. Angel was also slightly flattened. These two facts were linked to one another, and both resulted from Marla sitting on his back.
But that wasn’t the worst part. The worst part was the smooching. Angel was pretty sure polecats weren’t supposed to do that, at least not to little rabbits, but that didn’t seem to bother his "babysitter".
He finally managed to wriggle himself free, and the chase resumed. The other animals in the house were laughing at him, mocking him with kissyfaces. Could this day get any worse?
When he fell right into a carefully planted tub of honey and Marla started licking him clean, he realized there was no easy way out of this.
He had to think big.
When she was done with the honey, he waddled over to Fluttershy’s jewel case. Then he turned back to Marla, kneeled before her and presented her a golden ring. More smooching ensued.
-
“Scootaloo...? Scootaloo...?”
“Why are you calling for chicken? Think they have eggs to spare?”
“Very funny. She was with us just a minute ago... she must be around here somewhere.”
“Girls!”, Scootaloo cried out, “I’m down here!”
“Whoa.” The two other foals had arrived at the hole.
“Hm. Random foal-eating hole. Cool.”
“What are you doing down there? Are there even any eggs?”
Scootaloo sounded fairly excited. “You’re gonna laugh. As a matter of fact...”
Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle found a rope and tied it to a nearby tree. They lowered the other end into the hole and met their pegasus friend underground.
“Check it out. It’s like a little cave. And here’s the best part...”
Scootaloo stepped aside. The two other ponies were dazzled.
It was an egg. It was also about as big as each of them. Its shell was encrusted with tiny gemstones, and it was covered in mysterious drawings and ancient runes. Most importantly, it was glowing in the dark.
“That”, Apple Bloom said solemnly, “Must be worth a million zillion points.”
“I have never SEEN an egg like this!”
“And check this out...” Scootaloo put a hoof on the shell, “It’s like... alive.”
The other foals followed her example. The pegasus was right. The egg was warm... pulsating.
“That’s kinda spooky.”
“Ah, don’t worry. I’m sure Applejack or BigMac wouldn’t hide something dangerous here. It’s just a little magical. I bet Twilight Sparkle and Rarity are in on this.”
Sweetie Belle listened with one ear pressed against the shell.
“Maybe there is a clown inside.”
The foals were staring at one another.
“Girls, if we are actually going to take this baby home, we will have to IGNORE the possibility of a clown being inside of it. Can we do that?”
“I guess so...”
“Good. Let’s never talk of it again.”
“Sorry for bringing that up.”
“Just forget it. Let’s tie it to the rope. Somepony will have to pull it up while the others push.”
-
Angel was kicked out of the cottage. Marla wasn’t just upset. The bunny had broken her heart, and broken it good.
Oh, it had been so wonderful at first. The ring, the wedding, the honey moon... And then this.
Had Marla been able to speak, she would have told Angel to get out of her sight forever. That she hated him, and wished him rotting in bunny-hell. But sometimes gestures and polecat-screams can be even better means to express that sort of thing.
Angel however was enjoying the sweet smell of freedom. Dodging a few selected household appliances and power tools Marla was throwing after him, he decided to take a little trip to Sweet Apple Acres.
Truth be told, he had wanted to go there all along. It seemed like the coolest place to be right now. It seemed to be... calling out to him...
-
Somepony knocked at the door.
“Fome in”, Twilight Sparkle said, her words distorted by the brush she was holding in her mouth. She was levitating five other brushes with her magic, each in a different size and floating above a pot containing a different color.
Applejack entered the library and had to stop for a moment. She was going to ask Twilight about something that could be very important, yet the sight in front of her put the workhorse off for a moment.
A creature that looked like a juvenile dragon was standing on a little carpet of old newspapers. The living artwork was dripping with paint.
The basic color Twilight had chosen for him was yellow. Now she was working on the details.
Brushes were buzzing all around him like outlandish hummingbirds, decorating his scales with little colorful dots, stripes and spirals.
“O hi, Applejack”, The paintee snorted.
Applejack chuckled. “Spike? Is that you? Oh, the dragonity...!”
Twilight was taking a step back to examine her work.
“What do you think?”
“Very nice job you’re doing, sugar cube. He has become a totally different... man. Hehe. Needs more flowers and little hearts, though.”
“I think so too! Thanks, AJ.”
“Yeah”, Spike groaned, “Thanks, AJ.”
Then the earth pony remembered why she had come to the library in the first place.
“Say, Twilight... Apple Bloom and her little friends have found something really strange back at the farm. We would love to hear your opinion on that... If you’re not too busy, that is.”
The unicorn girl was intrigued. “Wow. That sounds... mysterious. Let’s check it out. I think I’m done here.”
To Spike, she said: “Please try to stay put until the paint has dried up.”
She d’awwwed. “You look so precious... I could eat you all up. I’ll have to ask Rarity if I can borrow a nice little bow for you.”
“Oh, that’s okay, I think I’m fine.”
Twilight was shaking her head. “It’s no trouble at all. Only the best for my favorite little candy egg.”
She was rewarded with Spike’s most elaborate ‘I-am-going-to-puke’ face.
The fillies’ giggles as they left the library made Spike shiver.
If someone tells you growing up with ponies keeps your childhood trauma-free, they are LYING to your face.
-
With every hop, the call was growing stronger. Angel was like a sleepwalker. He thought he could hear a sweet chorus... smell a powerful perfume...
~BunnyRABBIT~BunnyRABBIT~BunnyRABBIT...
His master - his real master, not that silly, yellow pegasus-thing - was calling out for him.
-
Back at the orchard, a sizeable crowd had gathered around the Cutie-Mark Crusaders’ mysterious discovery.
“Dude...! Did you call on a big-egg demon to get such a big egg? That’s a really big egg!”
“My word”, Rarity said, hiding her mouth behind a hoof, “What a precious artifact! We should give it to someone who can really appreciate that sort of thing, somepony who could draw inspiration from it... We should give it to... Rarity!”
Taking her hoof away, her eyes glittering with greed, she said: “Oh, why, you really shouldn’t...”
And putting it back: “Oh, but Miss Rarity, we insist! You have done such a good job with the Rabbit Slayer’s decorations, it’s the least we can do...”
Apple Bloom was arguing with Big Macintosh.
“ONE lousy point? You’ve gotta be kidding me!”
The big stallion was shaking his head.
“One egg, one point. That’s the rule.”
“That’s not fair!”, Sweetie Belle cried, “It took us so long to bring it back here we didn’t have time to collect more eggs! Now Pinkie Pie is sure to win!”
“Don’t be so sure about that...”
Apple Bloom pointed at a remarkable drama taking place close by.
Pinkie Pie was lying on the ground, obviously in pain, but still looking quite pleased with herself. Pipsqueak was mourning over her bloated belly.
“She ate them! She ate them all! I could see it coming, it was all like... slowed down... slowed down... But I couldn’t stop it! Forgive me, daddy!”
Twilight Sparkle and Applejack had arrived at the scene.
“Alright then, let’s see that mystery egg...”
The purple unicorn had brought her magnifying glass. The crowd was holding their breath as they watched Twilight examine the artifact, “hm”-ing and “mhm”-ing as she saw fit.
“The details are incredible... The pictograms look proto-Hukulskian... Whatever it is, it is really old...”
“Like, somepony hid it for Rabbit Slayer’s a couple of years ago and no one ever found it?”
“No, AJ, I think even quite a bit older than that.”
In the background, Apple Bloom continued to argue with her brother. “You hear that? We should get interest points!”
Suddenly, the egg started vibrating.
“Twilight... Is it supposed to do that?”
"Ahem... I'm not sure...?"
The vibration was growing stronger with every second, and so was the glow.
“We should probably get a few steps back...”
She was looking around. She was standing all alone on that hill. The others had already taken cover behind fences and bushes. She snorted and used teleport to join them.
“You think it’s going to explode?”
“Look...! It’s pulsing, but not regularly... pausing sometimes... as if it was reacting to footsteps... or little hops...”
“...Angel-bunny...?” Fluttershy had spotted two white ears at the other side of the hill. “...Oh, this is bad... you’re not supposed to be outside...”
Now other ponies had noticed him too.
“A rabbit running free on Rabbit Slayer’s Day? That’s bad luck!”
“Why is he going for that egg?”
When the bunny’s eyes fell on the giant egg, they started glowing in the same color as the artifact. Slobber was running down his lips.
Twilight’s eyes widened. “Oh no... No... It couldn’t be...”
“What? What is it?”
“According to an ancient legend, the Rabbit of the East has hidden magic revival urns all over Equestria. It is said that every year on the day of the Rabbit’s defeat, they would call out to all bunnies... And if even one bunny touches a capsule, the lord of bunnies will take over its body and be reborn... We’ve got to stop him! Now!”
Twilight teleported back to the top of the hill, getting between Angel and the egg.
“Stand back! I don’t want to hurt you, but I cannot allow you to...”
Angel was just staring at her for a moment. Then he stomped on the ground, and Twilight was flung into the air.
“Uaaaaaah!”
“Twilight!!”
Rainbow managed to grab her mid-air.
“This is bad! He is already absorbing the dark powers!”
“...Angel-bunny!!” Fluttershy was throwing herself at the rabbit, hugging him. “You are scaring us! Please, go home!”
For a few seconds, Angel became transparent, and then he just walked through Fluttershy as if he were a ghost.
“...Angel!”
He was now standing in front of the egg. He was raising his little hands to the sky, and he started laughing silently. He seemed to have grown more teeth than any rabbit should have.
The rabbit and the egg were now engulfed by a sphere of light. The hour of rebirth was at hoof.
It was time for his master to be reborn!
And then, there was a shadow. Like an eclipse.
-
When Angel came to his senses, the egg had gone.
There was only Pinkie Pie, holding her stomach. It was even more bloated than before.
“It think that one was bad...”, She said.
For a moment, there was silence, and everyone was just staring at her. Then she started to shake and to glow.
“Pinkie!!!”
“She’s gonna blow!”
The pink earth pony opened her mouth for a silent scream. Dozens and dozens of wriggling bunny ears appeared all over her body. Her eyes turned into slobbering mouths with large, rectangular incisors.
Ph’nglui mglw’nafh BUNNYRABBIT R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn!
A spiral vortex appeared above her, and slowly, the mutant ulcers, then her hair, her skin, her flesh and her bones were sucked into it. Finally, the vortex itself disappeared.
The sun was back, and hesitantly, the birds in the trees started singing again.
Apple Bloom was the first to speak.
"You know what, BigMac? I guess one point sounds pretty fair."
Then Pinkie popped back into existence. For some reason, she was wearing a cape and a top hat with two fake bunny ears attached to it.
“Wow”, she said, “I have just lived fifty years in another dimension. I don't seem to have aged, though.”
She was almost knocked off her feet by the mandatory group hug that ensued.
“Girls, I’m fine! Yeah, come here... I love you too... I even remember your names!”
“Pinkie”, Twilight said, “Please, promise me you stop eating things just because they look like colorful candy!”
“I will make no such promise. Besides, I saved the day, didn’t I?”
“She’s got a point, sugar cube. Pinkie...?”
The baker’s apprentice was staring at something behind them.
“Great. What now?”
Spike had appeared on the hill.
“Geez... That stuff took forever to dry... Have I missed the egg hunt?”
“CANDY DRAGON.”
“Pinkie...? Why are you looking at me like that?”
“CANDY. DRAGON.”
-
The rest of Rabbit Slayer’s Day passed without any major catastrophes. Most ponies agreed that what happened to Spike before Pinkie discovered he wasn’t made of chocolate didn’t count.
The Cutie Mark Crusaders won second prize at the egg hunt. They didn’t get their cutie-marks, which at this point they were rather glad for. They could imagine all too well what these marks would have looked like.
Spike got a neat plaster which was immediately signed by all his friends. Then they proceeded on painting little hearts and flowers on it.
Angel seemed to have no recollection of anything that had happened during the last twelve hours, which is why he couldn’t explain to Fluttershy why Marla the polecat was demanding a divorce and custody for the kids.
Pinkie was talking in strange tongues throughout the evening, but that was attributed to the punch rather than the after-effects of her adventures in the realm of pure bunny.
The likeness of the Evil Bunny of The East - whom the Ponyvillians had come dangerously close to encounter in person this year - was nailed to a wooden cross and burned.
Twilight Sparkle briefly considered writing a letter to Princess Celestia, but between two glasses of punch, she decided to leave well enough alone. All she would have had to report was just another holiday in Ponyville. Pinkie Pie agreed that there was no need to make a special episode about that.
