It was a lovely night. My fiancée’s forelegs were wrapped around mine and I luxuriated in every second of her touch. For the longest time, I was quite happy to just experience her one sense at a time; the way her electric-blue mane covered her eyes when she she slept, the feeling of her white fur pressed against me, all those little experiences adding up to form the whole of Vinyl Scratch. If given the opportunity, I would have laid next to her forever and been quite content doing so – but that would hardly be productive, and considering that we had a wedding in slightly over eighteen hours, I would hate to tempt fate by seeing my bride-to-be on my wedding day.
I glanced at the clock over my bed. 11:07. I still had a few more minutes with Vinyl before I had to head over to Lyra and Bon-Bon’s, where I would be staying until it was time for the wedding. It was only after much discussion with Vinyl that we agreed that I would be the one to leave the house, as Vinyl was still having a hard time forgiving Bon-Bon for certain recent events, and we both doubted there was much chance of something terrible happening to me while at their house. After the… unpleasantness in Canterlot, the amount of time the four of us had spent together had plummeted. Vinyl and Lyra still interacted frequently, of course, but Vinyl had proven reluctant to talk with Bon-Bon, and for my part, I had been rather reclusive these past few months as I worked to recover from the troubles of Canterlot. But now that I was finally feeling more like my old self, I was looking forward to spending time with both of them.
We did, however, attend their wedding as maids of honor, and it was absolutely marvelous in spite of Lyra’s insistence on walking down the aisle with Bon-Bon using solely her back legs. She claimed it was practice for the honeymoon, and I chose not to press the issue further for fear of discovering something else about my friends that I would really rather prefer not to know.
“Vinyl, wake up,” I said, kissing my fiancée on the base of her horn. While it was nice that she had finally gotten on a decent sleep schedule, I would also prefer to talk to her a bit before I left.
She snorted loudly as my kiss roused her from her slumber. “Wha- Tavi? Are we married yet?”
I shook my head. “Not yet, I will be leaving for Lyra and Bon-Bon’s in a few minutes and I thought it would be nice if you were awake so we could spend our last few minutes as an engaged couple together.”
“Alright,” she said before yawning loudly. “Did you have anything in particular you wanted to do, or did you just want to wake me up for no reason?”
There was a pause as I stared at her in disbelief, before moving to kiss the soft tender flesh of her throat. “Oh, okay,” she said, a smile slowly forming on her lips, “I think we can do that.” Without another word, she wrapped her forelegs around me and drew the two of us together.
***
“Octavia, it’s good to see you,” Bon-Bon said as she opened the door. She stared at me for a few seconds. “Are you alright? You look soaking wet.”
I nodded. “I just had to shower before I came over here, and didn’t have time to dry off properly. Do you have a comb I can borrow?” I gestured to my mane, which was a disheveled mess in its current state.
“Of course,” she said, ushering me inside. “You’ll have to forgive me; since we got back from our honeymoon, Lyra’s been a bit more manic than usual and the house is in… disarray.” As I stepped inside the house, I immediately saw what she was talking about. The living room, which was usually impeccably ordered, was instead in a state of what might be charitably called controlled chaos. Stacks of books sat next to the couch, crystals littered the coffee table, and the floor was covered in various papers, all impenetrable diagrams and rather obscure notes, as far as I could tell.
“I just cleaned it this morning,” Bon-Bon said, giving me a forced smile. “I clean it every morning and it still ends up looking like this by bedtime.”
“What has her so worked up?” I asked, clearing out a space to sit on the couch. “She’s usually not this excitable.”
“Well, remember when I told you about that portal to the human lands?” she asked, heading to a nearby bathroom and rummaging through the medicine cabinet.
“As much as I would like to have forgotten it, yes, I recall that conversation. It occurred shortly before…” I trailed off, still not willing to talk about or acknowledge my time in Canterlot.
“Right,” Bon-Bon said, coming out of the bathroom with a comb held in one hoof and passing it to me. “Well, Lyra already knew enough of the details to make sure our honeymoon was in the same city as the portal and at roughly the same time as the portal opened, and once I gave her the specifics…” Bon-Bon sighed. “You can guess how it played out.”
“You both broke into wherever it was stored, and honeymooned wherever humans live,” I said, running a comb through my mane and working to properly style it.
“Mostly,” she said. “The portal was only open for three days, and most of our honeymoon was actually in the Crystal Empire, but yes, we committed another case of breaking and entering, and this time Lyra brought along tools.”
“Tools?” I asked as the comb got caught in a particularly unwieldy section of mane.
“Not many,” Bon-Bon said, “just a few crystals capable of capturing a spell’s magical signature once activated. The same types of spells that would, let’s say, cause a portal to another world to work.”
“So, you’re telling me that Lyra has a portal now?” I asked, rubbing my forehead.
“She doesn’t have it working yet, but it’s getting there. Today she said she was aligning the spell matrices to isolate individual effects. Your guess about what that means is as good as mine.”
“Speaking of Lyra, where is she?” I asked, noticing that my more eccentric friend was nowhere to be seen. “Is she still working on her portal?”
Bon-Bon shook her head. “I went down an hour ago to let her know you would be coming soon, and she had passed out on her desk. It’s the first time she’s slept in two days, so I thought I would just let her rest. After all, I would hate for one of the maids of honor to be falling asleep on her hooves tomorrow.”
I nodded my head before yawning. “On that note, I think now is as good a time for me to get some rest. We’ll talk about how you’re finding married life in the morning?”
She smiled at me as she pushed herself off the couch. “That sounds lovely. You don’t mind sleeping on the couch, do you? We don’t have a spare bedroom like you do.”
“That’s perfectly fine,” I said as I made myself at home on the couch. “I’ll see you in the morning, Bon-Bon.”
“Good night, Octavia,” she said as she walked up the stairs.
***
Sometime in the early hours of the morning, I was awoken by something moving in the basement. Remembering Bon-Bon’s earlier comments, I assumed Lyra had awoken from her nap and I thought it would be nice to remind her I was here while exchanging a few pleasantries. She would probably… well, I doubt she would enjoy a break from her work, but it had been a while since we had last spoken, and as much as I deride her peculiar obsession, I still counted her as a dear friend and wished to speak with her.
Creeping slowly across the living room floor hoping not to wake Bon-Bon, I moved towards the basement entrance and slowly pushed the door open. The noises were definitely coming from downstairs, and now that I was closer to the source, I could hear a faint humming coming from below. Hoping to surprise her, I decided to continue sneaking down the stairs.
When I reached the bottom, I saw what I assumed to be a giant portal sitting in the middle of their surprisingly large basement (based on the dimensions, it must have run under our house as well) with Lyra sitting to the side, wearing a strange amulet as she channelled magical energy into a variety of crystals. The portal itself was a swirling mint-green… thing of nebulously-defined energy surrounded by an obsidian-and-gold-trim border serving to contain the portal proper. On closer inspection, the gold trim looked to be runes, with various magical properties that I could not even begin to guess at.
“Good morning, Lyra,” I said, smiling at my friend and suddenly jolting her from her work. Her very delicate work involving magical spells. In hindsight, I thought as the portal began to flash a variety of colors, disturbing Lyra while she was working might not have been a great idea. Lyra’s eyes went wide and she quickly tapped the center of her amulet, causing a mint-green bubble to surround her. I suddenly found myself wishing I had such an amulet as a wave of magical energy raced towards me, causing the world to glow white for an unknown amount of time.
***
When I woke up, I ran through the damage-assessment checklist I had developed after the umpteenth time I had lost consciousness due to grossly implausible circumstances. I didn’t hear the beeping of a heart monitor, it felt like I was back on Lyra and Bon-Bon’s couch as opposed to a hospital bed, and there were no aches and pains to report, making it one of the better accidents that had happened since I arrived in Ponyville. Considering the fact that it had happened on my wedding day, I should count myself lucky, I thought. The only thing I could possibly complain about was that my legs dangled uncomfortably off the edge of the couch.
Odd, I thought, further reflecting on the situation. My head was resting quite comfortably on one end of the couch, which meant it shouldn’t be possible for my legs to dangle over the end of the couch unless the spell had made me grow several feet larger. Now that I thought about it, there were several other things about me that felt slightly off. I felt too thin and my upper barrel was strangely lumpy. I felt the protrusions with one hand in the hopes of figuring out just what had happened to it.
I felt the protrusions with one hand.
With one hand
My eyes snapped open and I screamed.
“You’re awake,” Lyra said, smiling at me after my screaming fit had subsided. “And I think the rest of the neighborhood is too. Isn’t this just so cool? Apparently, the transformation spell activated when you disturbed me and turned you into a–”
“Don’t you dare say it,” I said, pointing a ~~hoof~~ finger at her accusingly. “I have a wedding in…” I checked the clock. “Six hours, a wedding that three of Equestria’s four princesses are attending, and I need to be back to my proper pony self by then. Do you understand me?”
She nodded at me, still smiling. “Yeah, totally, just… one tiny problem… Barely even an issue really, but… I haven’t finished the reverse transformation spell yet, and the lab accident kind of destroyed most of the materials I needed. I can totally get you back to normal, but it might take two or three days. You know, nothing major.”
I screamed again. It is a wonderful stress reliever and absolutely perfect for those times when the universe decides to declare war on your happiness and/or sanity. “What part of ‘I have a wedding in six hours’ did you not hear? I don’t have two or three days, ponies are here expecting to see me get married today. The princesses are expecting me to get married today. Luna is performing the ceremony today. Everything is ready, and if I stop it now, can you imagine how upset the princesses will be at me for wasting their time?”
“Hey, Octavia,” Bon-Bon said as she walked down the stairs, rubbing her eyes with one foreleg, “what did I hear you–” She stopped dead in her tracks as she actually saw me, her eyes immediately darting towards her wife. “What did you do?”
“How come you instantly assume it was me? Nothing bad would have happened if she hadn’t tried to sneak up on me in the lab.”
“I wasn’t trying to sneak up on you,” I said, frowning, “I was trying not to disturb you. And don’t you have some sign you can hang on the door that warns when you are going to be casting dangerous spells?”
“First of all,” Lyra said with as much indignation as she could muster, “the spell wasn’t technically dangerous. You are a perfectly healthy human.” I continued to glare at her. “And second of all, of course I have a sign warning ponies not to come to the basement when I am casting volatile spells, but it was upstairs, I figured Bon-Bon was asleep, and I kind of forgot you were coming over, so…” She trailed off. “Yeah, this is totally my fault. Sorry about that, Tavi.”
“I’m glad we’re agreed on that, now fix it.”
“Still gonna take two days minimum. I can get it done before you leave on your honeymoon though, so that’s… you know, that’s something at least. Hey, before you leave though, could you come with me to the Academy for Gifted Unicorns so I can conclusively prove the existence of humans and get my doctorate?”
There was another scream as I threw myself at her in the hopes of venting some of my frustration before falling flat on my face. Right, I only had two legs now, should have remembered that considering all the time Lyra spent talking to me about humans.
“Lyra, honey,” Bon-Bon said as I worked to get back up on my feet, trying to figure out how all my new joints and appendages worked together, “maybe you should head downstairs and start working on a counter spell?”
“I would,” she said, “but I need to go get some more focusing ingredients. Spell casting this exact requires a ton of prep and it’s kind of a miracle she turned into a human and not some hideous monstrosity, ‘cause if that was the case it might take me weeks to develop a proper–”
“No lectures, just go. Quickly,” Bon-Bon said, looking between Lyra and myself as I managed to get on my knees. (I could handle walking on two legs thanks to years of playing the cello, but figuring out just how the reversed knee joints were supposed to work was another matter entirely.)
“Right,” Lyra said, bounding happily out the door as I tried to crawl after her. “See you later, Tavi.” I growled at her in response.
“Okay,” Bon-Bon said as she closed the door after her wife, “I know you’re upset right now–”
“Absolutely livid.”
“Just… can you try not to do something you will regret? I would prefer it if you didn’t strangle her.”
I looked down at my hands and took a few calming breaths. “It does seem like these things are perfect for strangling, but I have no plans to harm your wife until after I am back to normal. Well, no plans to seriously harm her.” I let out a long sigh. “What are the odds she can undo the spell by 4:00 this afternoon?”
“If she says it will take two days minimum, then it will probably take at least two days. She occasionally gets lucky and finishes sooner than expected, but I wouldn’t bet on it.”
“Wonderful,” I said pinching the bridge of my nose. As much as I hate to admit it, this form was much better at fine manipulation than my equine form. “Then I suppose I should get comfortable with my new form. Care to help me get on my hooves? Err… feet, I suppose.” If there was no hope of me getting back to normal before my wedding, I might have to consider more extreme options, and that meant getting more familiar with this new body. I tried not to think of the fact that the rulers of Equestria would be watching me walk down the aisle and judging me. Instead, I focused on the mare who would be staring at me on the opposite end of the aisle.
“Sure thing,” she said, walking up next to me. “It takes a little while to get used to them. I think I spent most of the second day of our honeymoon figuring out how legs work. It’s so strange how they have that–”
“Inverted knee joint,” I said as I put my hands on her back and pushed myself up. “I was thinking the same thing. I am no stranger to standing on two legs, but figuring out just how these knees work is difficult.”
“I can help,” Bon-Bon said. “First of all, feet are a bit more stable than hooves. They kind of have to be since humans only have two of them. You saw Lyra’s models of humans right?”
“Many times,” I said with a sigh.
“Alright, so you know you need to stand up straight so they can support all your weight. Your natural inclination might be to hunch over, but don’t do that. It won’t feel as comfortable, and it will make you less stable. Got it?”
“Of course,” I said, moving to stand up straight. My head barely cleared the ceiling in this house, and I would have to stoop down if I actually wanted to leave. “I learned how to stand up straight playing the cello.” I paused to test my balance and found that humans were remarkably stable. Certainly more than you would expect two-legged creatures to be.
Bon-Bon nodded her head as she saw me testing my balance. “Surprising, right? Let me know when you’ve gotten the hang of standing up, and then we can get to teaching you how to walk.”
I looked down at her, surprised by how small she was. Her head only came up to around my thighs. Amazing how small ponies are, in comparison to humans. “I think I have it,” I said. “Care to teach me the finer points of walking upright?”
“Yeah,” she said, “but first can I ask why you are suddenly being so calm? I thought you’d still be enraged about having your wedding ruined.”
“Oh, I am,” I said, nodding my head at her. “However, I see no point in sitting here for two days and not learning how to properly use this temporary body. If the worst comes to happen, and I have to walk down the aisle as a human, I’d prefer not to fall flat on my face while doing so.”
“Wait,” Bon-Bon said, wrinkling her forehead, “after all that’s happened, you still plan on have your wedding today?”
“Of course,” I said, feeling a twinge of anxiety in my stomach. “No matter what happens, it would be… the princesses will be there, I can’t waste their time even if it means humiliating myself in the process. Besides that, I suppose I would prefer to marry Vinyl today as a human than wait several months to rearrange the wedding and marry her as a pony. Now, walking?”
“Right, it’s a bit trickier than walking as a pony, but it involves those reverse knee joints. Only move one leg at a time, and try to make a circle with those knee joints,” she said while I stared at her in confusion. She laughed nervously. “Right, put one foot forward, fall on it, put most of your weight on it and repeat.”
I nodded at her before tentatively moving one of my legs forward and promptly falling to the floor. As I pushed myself back up, I sighed. This was going to take a while.
***
An hour of failure later, I managed to take a several steps in a row without falling down. To celebrate, I headed to the bathroom to see just how I looked in the mirror. It wouldn’t do if I got married and I looked completely slovenly. The first thing I noticed as I looked into the mirror was the absolute abundance of clothing. There was a white undershirt, a grey vest on top of it, a black jacket to match with my pair of dress pants (I must thank Lyra for giving me the proper terminology for all the items I was wearing), and thankfully my signature bowtie had made the transition unscathed. At least the transformation had seen fit to properly dress me for the wedding. While I would have preferred a dress, this at least looked appropriately formal.
My mane made the transition looking the same as usual, the pink stripe intact, although my tail was absent, and my skin was a slightly lighter shade of grey than usual, although now it was the actual skin that was grey as opposed to my coat. I decided that the humans’ need to wear clothes related to their lack of coat. I was still recognizably me, at least, which made the next part of my plan easier, and thankfully, my recent attempts at learning to walk didn’t leave me covered in bruises. “I need to see Vinyl,” I said as I walked out of the bathroom, making sure to crouch low so I didn’t hit my head on the door frame.
“Are you sure?” Bon-Bon asked. “The whole reason you came over here was because it’s…” She trailed off, apparently realizing just how ridiculous that sentence was. “Right, nevermind. I’ll uh… I’ll go get her for you. If Lyra comes back while I’m gone could you please not kill her?”
I nodded. “And could you please not reference me killing a pony again? As furious as I am with Lyra, I won’t kill her. I probably won’t even harm her, and the mention of killing a pony is still something of a sore subject for me.”
“Sorry,” she said, looking down at the ground. “I didn’t mean anything, it’s just that little phrases like that are so commonplace you don’t think anything of them. At least, I don’t. I’m sorry.”
“It’s fine,” I said, taking a seat on the couch. Lyra did have a point about couches seemingly being designed for humans as the headrests were repurposed into lovely armrests, and the back of the sofa offered my back a tremendous amount of support. “Now, please get Vinyl, I want to give her plenty of time to process all this, and try to convince her to continue the wedding.”
“Alright,” Bon-Bon said, “I’ll be back soon, and hopefully your fiancée won’t be too upset with me for being the bearer of bad news… again.”
I smiled at her as she headed towards the door. “Thank you for helping me today.”
“You’re welcome,” she said as she walked out the door. “I should be back in a few minutes. Maybe more if Vinyl gets upset.”
The door closed and I stood up, going back to walking practice. One of the brides stumbling as she walked down the aisle would be another humiliation I didn’t want to deal with on what was supposed to be the happiest day of my life, although I suppose it’s really my fault for thinking that nothing outlandish would happen to me on my wedding day. The past year or so has proven that the more important the date, the more likely things are to go wrong, and this was a very important date. At least this calamity didn’t cause me physical pain. Several minutes of walking later, I heard muffled voices coming from the other side of the door.
“Now, Vinyl,” Bon-Bon said. “I’m going to open the door again, and I need you to stay calm. Octavia is perfectly fine, and I can guarantee you that beneath the surface, she is still her usual self.”
“Oh, I’m sorry,” Vinyl said, her voice raised as she was trying to keep her anger in check. “Am I upset? I guess that’s because the last time you two were alone, Octavia nearly lost her mind! Now you come and tell me that something went wrong on our wedding day, and I suppose I tend to assume the worst.”
“Vinyl, come in,” I said to the door. “I promise you that I am… unharmed and as mentally stable as I have been at any point in the past few months. Just try not to panic when you see me.” Grasping the doorknob with one hand (which was substantially easier than doing it with one’s hooves or, worse yet, a mouth), I opened the door, careful to step aside so any passers-by wouldn’t catch a view of me. Causing a small panic in Ponyville wasn’t something I wanted to see happen until after the wedding.
“Alright,” my fiancée said as she walked into the house. “So, what’s the big issue? I hope you didn’t try to bring Octavia on an…” She trailed off as her eyes rested on me. “Oh… I’m gonna guess that Lyra is responsible for this one. Sorry for blaming you Bon-Bon.”
“It’s… fine,” she said. “I would’ve sent Lyra to tell you, but she’s busy getting the ingredients she needs to start working on a counter spell, and she should be back by now.”
“So then, Tavi’s a human now? I guess? Did… how?”
“Lyra spent part of her honeymoon in wherever humans are from, studied the magic portal between worlds, is attempting to recreate the portal in her basement, I accidentally interfered when she was working on the transformation spell, it misfired, and I am stuck as a human for the next few days.” I glanced at Bon-Bon. “Does that about sum things up?”
She nodded. “That seems to be everything.”
“Okay,” Vinyl said, moving to sit on the couch. “So, what are we going to do? I can tell the guests that the wedding was cancelled due to illness, and we can just reschedule it for once you are a pony again.”
I shook my head and felt my teeth grind against each other. “No, we can’t cancel, the princesses are going to be there. It would practically be treason to cancel now. I can’t commit treason.”
Vinyl tilted her head at me. “Okay, Tavi, calm down. The princesses will probably understand if you can’t make it and–”
“Princess Luna, my employer, is officiating the wedding. If I upset her, she might fire me. I don’t have any other career prospects lined up, and… I still want to marry you today. Even if it means ostracizing myself from equine society, I want to end this day as your wife.”
We looked into each others’ eyes, one set equine, the other human, for a long time. I felt Vinyl was about to say something, when the door to the house opened again. “Hey girls, I got the stuff, I…” Lyra paused and looked between Vinyl and me. “Oh hey, I thought you two weren’t supposed to see each other today because it was bad luck. You don’t want something bad to happen before the wedding do you?” Everypony in the room turned to glare at her. “Or… I guess… you know, I should get to work. Gotta try to get that counterspell up before the wedding. Yep, don’t mind me.” She very hurriedly walked towards the basement, staring intently at the door.
“So,” I said, taking a deep breath before glancing at the clock, “we have about four hours until the wedding. I feel we should head over and start preparing; Vinyl still has to get in her dress, and I have to make sure I look presentable, even though…” I trailed off as I imagined the crowd of ponies I cared about staring at me in my new form, silently judging me, wondering just what had happened and why some creature out of myth was standing before them. A thought struck me that the nightmare I had imagined was the best case scenario, that was assuming they knew what a human was. If not, then all they would see was some grotesque monstrosity. A hairless misshapen ape standing before them where the bride should be. I would be lucky if they didn’t run me out of town.
I heard Vinyl whispering something to Bon-Bon, but paid it no mind as all the nightmarish potential scenarios ran through my head. “Tavi,” Vinyl said, trying to draw me out of my own head, “are you alright? You have that kind of crazed look in your eyes that usually means I should drop everything to calm you down before you explode.”
“Yes, fine,” I said, muttering to myself. “I have to be fine, the wedding is today, and I want to marry you today. Even if it means being run out of town by an angry mob. If I was chased out of town you would come with me, right?”
“Y-yeah,” Vinyl said, uncertainty tinting her voice. “Though I mean, if you leave town, it will probably be harder to change you back to normal.”
“True,” I said, pacing around the living room, trying to avoid the sheets of paper everywhere. “But what other choice do I have? I can either hide in my room to avoid our wedding, a wedding that three of Equestria’s four sovereign princesses are attending and expecting to see me get married, or I can attend the wedding and become an object of shame and derision for the entire town. It’s a Kobayashi Mareu, Vinyl. There’s no way, I can’t win.”
She shook her head as I continued to pace. “Tavi, calm down, I promise this will be fine. You still want to get married today, right?”
“Of course,” I said. “More than anything else, and if it were just us, I wouldn’t particularly care about how I looked, but then there will be all those guests staring at me and judging me. I’ll stand out like a sore hoof… or thumb, or whatever the human equivalent is… why did the princesses have to come?”
“Because one’s your employer, you’re friends with another one, and another one arranged for you to come to Ponyville in the first place. Kind of weird how you’re on friendly terms with so many of Equestria’s rulers, right?”
I sighed and sat back down on the couch. “The word ‘weird’ could be used to describe every facet of my life these days, and compared to some of that weirdness, the fact that I am so friendly with so many princesses is positively normal in comparison. At the very least, it seems plausible, as opposed to, say, suddenly being transformed into a human. “
“Alright,” Vinyl said, “point taken. So, what’s your plan?”
“The wedding proceeds as normal until I am run out of town by a mob of ponies. After that, I suppose we head towards the Everfree Forest to live our lives of exile. Just…” I got to the couch and curled up into a ball. “I don’t want to go. I don’t want ponies to see me like this.”
“Okay,” Lyra said, “I have a plan. Bon-Bon will sneak you to the town hall, while I stay here and take care of something, alright?”
“But… if ponies see me, they’ll know. They’ll laugh. I look too much like my old self for the connection to not be obvious, and once they see me–”
Vinyl suddenly jumped up and wrapped her forelegs around my neck before kissing me. It was long and passionate, and by the time it finished, something besides worry was making my heart pound. “Thank you,” I said as she dropped back down to the ground. “That… it helped calm me down, but it still doesn’t change the problem.”
“You trust me, right?”
I nodded at her.
“Alright then, trust me on this. Things will work out fine, and… well, ponies will be looking at you when you walk down the aisle, but for entirely good reasons, alright?”
“If you say so,” I said, still not convinced that her plan would work, but willing to give it a chance. She hadn’t let me down yet, and no matter how insane her ‘plan’ was, I knew that she would be right next to me at the wedding. I turned my thoughts away from the guests, and instead tried to think of how wonderful it would be to finally marry Vinyl. If I could just think of that, I might be able to endure everypony at the wedding silently judging me. Maybe. “So, how are we getting to the town hall?” I asked, turning to look at Bon-Bon.
“We head out our kitchen door and stick to Ponyville’s back alleys. I will lead and make sure the path is clear, you try to hide behind the trash cans,” she said, walking towards the kitchen.
“Minor problem,” I said, as I ducked to get from the living room to the kitchen. “I don’t want to smell like garbage for my wedding day. It’s bad enough that I will have to be a human, I can at least try to smell pleasant.”
“Fine,” she said before turning to look at my fiancée. “Vinyl, do you know a cloaking spell? Or at the very least a perception filter?”
“Sorry,” she said, shaking her head, “the only perception spell I know was designed to make the user more noticable. I don’t think that will do us any good.”
“Alright, Lyra learned a perception filter spell when planning one of her earlier break-ins. Can you go to the basement and get her?” Bon-Bon said, rubbing her forehead.
Vinyl nodded before trotting to the basement door. “Lyra, can you come up? We need you to cast a spell on Tavi.”
“That’s kind of what I’m working on right now,” a voice coming from the basement said. “Don’t really have a counterspell designed yet though.”
“Not that,” Vinyl said, “we need a perception filter spell, can you do that?”
“Sure can,” she said, coming up the stairs. “How long do you want it for?”
“Thirty minutes will do,” Bon-Bon said. “Enough time to get her to the town hall, but no more. We don’t want her to be ignored at her own wedding.”
“Because under current circumstances, that would just be terrible,” I said, rolling my eyes.
“Hey,” Vinyl said, trying to shush me by poking a hoof in my rib, but only managing to knee me due to current height differences, “I have a plan, so shush on all that negative talk. Also, you are super tall.”
“I’m aware of that,” I said, “and am currently trying to figure out just how we will do the kiss at the end of the ceremony. All possible solutions strike me as rather comical, and I don’t think that is the effect we want.”
“Don’t worry about it,” she said. “Now let Lyra zap you with her magic so you can hide in the town hall until our wedding.” She smiled playfully at me as Lyra’s horn began to glow with a mint-green energy. A moment later, I felt a wave of magical energy wash over me.
“Alright,” Bon-Bon said, “now most ponies will look right past you unless they already know you are there, or somepony points you out to them. Try not to be noticeable, and you’ll be fine.”
“Wonderful,” I said as we walked out of the house and into one of Ponyville’s back alleys. “Now, would you say being a hairless bipedal ape would count as being noticeable or not?”
She rolled her eyes. “You know, I completely forgot you were a human. Now that I think about it, you will probably stick out like a sore hoof... or thumb, in your case.”
“Point taken,” I said as we continued our walk. “I’m sorry for–”
“Would you please be quiet?” she said as she stopped to make sure one of Ponyville’s main roads were clear. “Talking will reduce the effectiveness of the perception filter, so unless you want everypony in Ponyville to see you before your wedding…” She trailed off and I didn’t feel the need to respond.
The rest of our walk to the town hall was completed in silence, with Bon-Bon working to act as inconspicuous as possible. Soon, our destination was in sight, and we saw a slight snag in our problem as the town hall, and the area in front of it where the actual ceremony was scheduled to take place, were surrounded by unicorn members of the Royal Guard, their horns glowing with magical energy. “What are they doing?” I whispered, giving a concerned look to Bon-Bon.
“They’re sentries, scanning for any possible threats to the princesses. Unfortunately, that means if you get a few feet closer, your enchantment will be stripped off.” I nodded at her as she spoke, surveying the rest of the scene. Ponies were busy arranging the cushions for the guests to sit on, pegasi were working to clear the cloud cover, and unicorns were magically accelerating vine growth to cover the wedding arch we were supposed to stand under. If the enchantment failed now, the proverbial cat would be out of the bag. Of course, there was an argument to be made that revealing myself now might be a positive thing, but the idea of ponies staring and judging me without Vinyl around for support made me wilt. I don’t know why it did, I’ve endured so much worse since I came to this town, but there it was. The thought of ponies mocking me made my stomach twist itself into a knot.
“Then what’s the plan?” I asked, as I finally regained my voice.
She sighed. “I’m going to go and talk to the guards, and lead them to the edge of town, use that opportunity to sneak into the town hall and stay in your room until I come for you. Can you do that?”
I nodded at her. “Alright,” she said, “stay here until after the guards have run past. After I distract the guards, I’ll make sure Lyra and Vinyl are okay, and then I’ll head over to your dressing room.” Without another word, she walked towards the guards with as much confidence and authority as she could muster. I saw her speak with the guards for several seconds before they moved to follow her, all of them moving with urgency as they headed towards whatever story Bon-Bon invented.
As soon as they passed me, I headed towards the town hall, moving as quickly as I could while still keeping my balance. Thankfully, I managed to make it inside without falling flat on my face and getting my impromptu wedding ensemble dirty. From there, it was foal’s play to find my dressing room and I was soon seated, watching as the hour hand moved ever closer to 4:00.
I waited for the minute hand to make the tiniest tick as I thought of what the princesses might do if they saw a human take my spot in the ceremony. Would they understand? Or would they think something had gone terribly wrong? If the latter, how would they react? Would they see me as a threat to Equestria and banish me before I had time to explain? Would they simply kill the abomination on the spot? Would they at least let me hide out in the Everfree with Vinyl? Maybe Vinyl could explain what happened before the ceremony? Why hadn’t I thought of asking her that before I left Bon-Bon’s house? It would have been so simple to do, but instead I chose to panic as opposed to doing something productive. I looked up at the clock to see that only about a minute had passed since I sat down, and sighed. It was going to be a long time until the ceremony started.
As minutes turned to hours, my fears grew exponentially, and I soon found myself pacing back and forth, rubbing my hands together while trying to calm my nerves. I fear that if an unsuspecting pony had walked in during that time, they would have thought me every bit the deranged monster I was terrified of being seen as. Finally, at ten minutes until four, a pony knocked on the door. “Who is it?” I asked, swiveling around to stare at the door, fearing that a pony was on the verge of discovering my secret.
“It’s me, Octavia,” Bon-Bon said from the other side of the door. “I had to spend some time with the guards giving my ‘official’ report of the disturbance I found. After that, I stopped to make sure Lyra and Vinyl were okay, and… yeah, Vinyl was right when she said she had a plan that will work. Did she say it was a crazy plan?” I let out a small sigh of relief at the news, feeling my pulse slow down. If the past year had taught me anything, the best way to combat the madness of Ponyville was with more madness.
“I don’t think so,” I said, thinking on our earlier conversation. “Although with her, I might have just assumed the plan was quite mad from the start.” I frowned. “No, that’s not true, she is far more stable than I am, but at the same time, she is a bit more creative when it comes to problem-solving than I am.”
“Yeah, well, her solution to this problem was more than creative. I think it would have been fine if Lyra or I explained the situation beforehand, but… well, Vinyl will be doing that for us. Can I come in?”
“Yes, sorry, I’m afraid that my manners have lapsed, come in.” I moved to open the door enough for Bon-Bon to walk in without exposing myself to any passers-by, although I suppose my fear of being exposed would become something of a non-issue in a few minutes.
Bon-Bon frowned as she looked at me. “Octavia, have you… have you looked at yourself in the mirror lately?”
I shook my head at her before turning to look at the mirror on my room’s vanity. My mane desperately needed a combing, and my eyes had the touch of madness in them that made my friends knew meant that they should either hide or move to restrain me. “It’s… I can’t go out looking like this. I mean, I shouldn’t go out looking like a human, but I definitely shouldn’t go out like this. What’s worse than a human? A disheveled one. I need to–”
“Octavia, sit down,” Bon-Bon said, her voice stern and commanding, bringing back memories of Canterlot and causing me to freeze up. She amended her statement as soon as she realized her mistake. “Sorry, I wasn’t thinking. Could you please sit down? I want to properly comb your mane.”
I nodded my head as I sat next. Bon-Bon found a brush on top of the vanity and moved to sit next to me. “Did the doctors give you some calming exercises to practice?” I nodded again. “Would you like to practice those now?” One more nod as I took a deep breath, while Bon-Bon ran the comb through my mane.
“I know you’re worried, Octavia, it’s only natural to be on your wedding day, and you have a bit more to worry about than most. However, I can speak from experience that even as a normal pony, the idea of walking down the aisle with dozens of friends and family staring at you is intimidating, but let me tell you what helped me out. See, I didn’t focus on them, I just focused on the fact that the most beautiful mare in the world was standing right in front of me. That was all that mattered as I took that long walk. The only thing that really matters today is that you love Vinyl and that Vinyl loves you. It doesn’t matter what the guests think, it doesn’t matter what the princesses think, and it certainly doesn’t matter what you look like. You have the important thing down, the other things are minor details at best.”
She continued to brush my mane, each stroke helping to soothe me. “You know, you really impressed me today. If this had happened to me on my wedding day, I probably would have cancelled, but not you. You endured, you decided to fight fate and you persevered. That’s what I admire most about you: you endure. You endured Nightmare Night, you endured Anthro-Con, you endured the orchestra’s first performance, and you endured after Canterlot. I don’t think I could have done that, but you moved past that, and you are here today as strong as ever. Maybe even stronger. You aren’t going to let this break you, are you, after all that you’ve been through?”
I shook my head, her words reigniting my confidence, while her brushing and my breathing worked to manage my anxiety. “I can do this,” I said, smiling for the first time that day. “It’s… I suppose I let my fears run away with me.”
Bon-Bon gave me a reassuring smile. “It happens to everypony on their wedding day. That’s why you have the maid of honor to keep you sane. You were there for me, when it was my wedding day and I was worried that I only loved Lyra because she was the first mare to really notice me, now I’m just repaying the favor. I’m sure Vinyl had her own little freak out today.”
“Really?” I asked as I inspected myself in the mirror. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen Vinyl freak out in the entire time we’ve been dating. She’s been upset, certainly, but I don’t think I’ve ever seen her swim in the deep end of the sanity pool.”
“Tavi,” Bon-Bon said as she made sure my clothes hung on me properly, “before my wedding day, did you ever see me freak out?”
I shook my head.
“Exactly my point, every mare does it, but you love Vinyl right?”
“More than anything,” I said.
“And I know she loves you more than anything, she was willing to…” She laughed. “Well, I don’t want to ruin the surprise for you, but trust me when I say that she loves you an insane amount. Now, are you ready?”
I took another deep breath before nodding and getting up on my feet. “Thanks to you, I am. Is it time?”
“It is,” she said. “Four o’clock on the nose. Lyra and Vinyl are probably taking their places now. We should meet the flowerfilly and get ready for our cue.”
“Has Sweetie Belle been informed? Or should you talk to her first?” I asked as I opened the door.
“She has, Vinyl spent the last few minutes briefing everypony. You’ll be fine, Octavia. Just keep your eyes on Vinyl.”
I nodded, taking my first step out the door and seeing Sweetie Belle standing next to the door outside. As soon as she saw us, she waved one hoof happily at us before bounding over to us, a smile on her face as flowers fell from her basket. In the year I had spent teaching her, she had moved from being the sister of a friend to a friend in her own right; her constant enthusiasm always bolstered my spirits, and it was a privilege watching her develop as a singer over the past year. “Hey, Octavia,” she said, “you look great! I bet nopony will forget how wonderful you look today.”
“And you managed to put a surprisingly upbeat spin on the fact that I’m currently not a pony,” I said, feeling my spirit lighten at her words. As usual, there wasn’t even the faintest trace of malice in her voice.
“Well, you might not be a pony, but you are still beautiful. In fact, you are the most beautiful human I’ve ever seen, although I’m sure you will disagree,” she said, failing to suppress her giggling.
I raised an eyebrow. “And just how many humans have you seen?”
More giggling. “More than you, now.”
Bon-Bon gave me a coy little smile as I looked to her for support or even a hint of understanding. I hate it when I’m the only pony not in on a secret, although I was quickly developing a hunch about what it might be. “Alright,” I said as we moved to take our cues. “Keep your little secrets, I don’t care.”
“Just remember,” Bon-Bon said as she took her place between Sweetie Belle and me, “keep your eyes on Vinyl and everything else will take care of itself. This is your day; who cares what the ponies in the audience think?”
The music started to play and the door glowed with magic as a spell opened it. Sweetie Belle took a deep breath before bouncing outside, leaving a trail of flower petals behind her as she went. “Remember, Octavia, keep your eyes ahead of you, and ignore all the other eyes on you. All that matters when you walk out there is Vinyl,” Bon-Bon said, giving me one last smile before starting her walk down the aisle, and leaving me alone.
For a moment, I felt the familiar sting of worry as I thought of all the ponies that would be looking at me, judging me, silently mocking me. My friends would be there, the princesses of Equestria, one of them my boss– I shook my head, chasing off such thoughts, and focusing on the fact that I loved Vinyl, and that, in a few short moments, I would be her wife. Taking one more deep breath, I moved to my spot, looked down the aisle at my fiancée and promptly found myself struggling to contain my laughter.
At the end of the aisle, just in front of Luna, was another human, her skin a pale white and her mane a very familiar shade of electric blue. Unlike my rather formal outfit, she was wearing a white tank top and black cargo jeans (Thank you again, Lyra). If not for the fact that it was one of two outfits in Equestria that would fit her, I might have complained. Instead, I met her eyes with my own and walked down the aisle, doing everything in my power to resist the urge to run forward and wrap my arms around her. On second thought, Bon-Bon was right when she said this was my day, and if I wanted to cast propriety aside, run to my soon-to-be wife, and wrap my arms around the most wonderful mare/human in the world, giggling like a schoolgirl the entire time, that was my prerogative. I even managed to do so without falling flat on my face.
“You are wonderful,” I said, whispering in Vinyl’s ear as our embrace finally ended.
“I know,” she said, smiling at me. “Figured it wouldn’t do if you stuck out and I didn’t, you know. It would be terrible if they remembered you and forgot all about me.”
I laughed one last time before Luna began her speech. “We are gathered here today to celebrate the union between Octavia Melody and Vinyl Scratch, coming together to…” As she spoke, I found myself looking at the audience. To my great surprise, most of the ponies in attendance seemed to be genuinely happy, without even a hint of condescension in their eyes. The large contingent of Apples who felt the need to come to their kin’s wedding made up most of my side of the aisle, with Princess Celestia, Princess Twilight, Rarity, Pianissimo and his daughter Melody, Royal Riff, Fiddlesticks, and Pinkie Pie taking up the rest of my side. The other half of the town made up Vinyl’s side, with her parents sitting in the front row. (They were surprisingly normal ponies, all things considered, and we got along famously.)
“Now then,” Luna said, “Vinyl and Octavia will read the vows they have prepared.”
“Right,” Vinyl said, “I don’t think I need to go deep into all the crazy stuff that has happened to us the past few months. I mean, today is a pretty perfect example of the stuff we’ve been dealing with, although this is actually way milder than most of the stuff, like this one time–” I glared at her. “Sorry, the point I’m trying to get to is that our lives have been absolutely insane, and I don’t see them magically getting better just because we got married, so I promise that no matter what else happens to us, I will love you and be right there next to you.”
“Vinyl,” I said, after she finished her vow, “you’ve been wonderful. When I moved here over a year ago, I never imagined us becoming friends. I didn’t think we could possibly have anything in common. After all, I thought, I was a classically trained cellist and you were a common DJ. Thankfully, my initial assessment was completely wrong, and you proved to be better than I could possibly imagine. Being with you made me a better pony, Vinyl.” I found myself laughing at my word choice. “Present circumstances aside, of course. You… I don’t know where I would be without you, and every single day, I wake up glad that I was sent to Ponyville, because I met you, and that makes everything I’ve gone through since then bearable. I promise I will love and support you for the rest of my life.”
“Then do you, Vinyl Scratch, take Octavia Melody to be your lawfully-wedded wife?”
“I do,” Vinyl said, taking the hoofband from Lyra and trying to find some place to put it before sliding it on my left forearm and turning it into a bracelet.
“And do you, Octavia Melody, take Vinyl Scratch to be your lawfully-wedded wife?”
“I do,” I said, realizing that there was absolutely no place for me to put the horn ring Bon-Bon offered me, before sheepishly sliding it onto Vinyl’s left thumb, where I suppose it fit snugly enough.
“Then, by my power, I pronounce you two wife and wife. You may now kiss.”
I wrapped my arms around her while she did likewise, and the two of us drew together. For a second, we stared into each others’ eyes, before bringing our lips together. It wasn’t our greatest kiss, I was still quite partial to our first kiss, but it was our first kiss as a married couple, and to me, that made it absolutely perfect. We drew the kiss out for several seconds longer than necessary before pulling away and turning to face the crowd of politely clapping ponies. “You ready for the reception?” Vinyl asked as we began the walk down the aisle, hand in hand.
“Of course,” I said, looking at all the smiling ponies around us. Again, I was struck by how little they seemed to care that I was currently not a pony. It made all my worrying this afternoon seem that much more pointless. In hindsight, I should have realized that my friends and adopted family wouldn’t care what I looked like on my wedding day. They were there to celebrate with me, not silently judge me, and I wondered how I could have forgotten that. If I had to guess, it probably had something to do with the fact that I was unexpectedly turned into a human and let my anxieties get the better of me.
After we entered the town hall, ponies streamed in after us to join in the celebration. I headed to the catering table table and helped myself to a few of the hors d'oeuvres. For some reason, a majority of the food tasted off to my palate and I found myself gravitating towards the fruit bar. “Octavia, darling,” Rarity said, walking towards me, “your outfit looks absolutely splendid. Tell me, do all humans wear so many clothes?”
“You are asking the wrong pony,” I said, eating a piece of diced pineapple. “If you want to learn more about humans, ask Lyra; she will be more than happy to indulge you. I’m sorry I couldn’t wear your dress today.”
“It’s quite fine,” she said, smiling as we moved to sit near one of the many tables that had been set up in the town hall. “Obviously, my outfit wouldn’t fit you right now, and I would much prefer you wear something that fits and looks good as opposed to walking down the aisle naked.”
“Hey,” a familiar voice said as an arm wrapped around my waist. “Wandering away from your wife already? We haven’t even cut the cake yet.”
I smiled at Vinyl as she sat next to me. “I merely wished to spare you from the conversation about my ensemble with Rarity. Unless you wanted to listen to us talk about clothes.”
“Not particularly,” she said, pulling her goggles out from somewhere and hanging them around her neck. “But I do want to spend some time with my wife. You know, before we spend an entire week together during our honeymoon.”
“Well then, darling,” Rarity said, smiling at my wife, “shall we discuss your ensemble? It seems rather spartan compared to Octavia’s.”
“I know,” Vinyl said, nodding her head in agreement. “I feel like the spell does a really good job coming up with an outfit for you. You got to look all fancy and formal, and I look super hip.”
“If minimalist is hip in human lands, then I suppose yours is very hip.”
“Hey, Octavia. Hey, Vinyl,” Sweetie Belle said, bouncing towards us excitedly. “Your wedding was super awesome. It was… definitely the second best wedding I’ve ever been to. The best one I’ve seen with humans in it.”
“Thank you, Sweetie Belle,” I said, smiling down at her. Even when I was seated, she still barely came up to my knee.
“You’re welcome,” she said, perpetual smile still on her face.
“Now then,” I said, turning to Rarity, “I believe we were–”
“It was good to be able to perform one of our happier duties again,” Luna said before sitting next to us. “It has been over a thousand years since we had the opportunity to wed ponies, and when we heard about your wedding we– I felt that I had to offer my services, considering all you have done for me while in my employ.”
I bowed my head at her. “It was an honor to have you officiate our wedding Luna, I was simply stunned when you made the offer, and I’m glad you were here to celebrate with us.”
Before she could say anything else, several members of the Apple contingent broke off from their group and headed towards me, Applejack leading them. I sighed as I searched the room and saw more and more ponies heading to offer Vinyl and me their congratulations. It seemed my talk with Rarity would have to wait.
***
Several hours later, Vinyl and I lay in our beds, staring up at the ceiling, our legs dangling off the edge, and our clothes crumpled up on the ground. (Well, her clothes were; I had taken the time to properly hang mine.) “So, this is rather odd, isn’t it?” I said after a very long pause.
“Really?” Vinyl asked, “I thought you had gotten over the oddness of being a human thing. The wedding went fine, and yeah, we’re humans, but it’s not that bad. I mean, it’s even kind of fun.”
“I actually agree with you on that,” I said, turning over to look at her. “If I am being completely honest, I am beginning to enjoy the added flexibility that being bipedal and having fingers offers... and pockets! Did your clothes have pockets? Because mine did, and they are simply divine. I might start wearing clothes as a pony just to have pockets. What do you think of me in a vest?”
“You’d make it work,” she said, wrinkling her forehead in thought as she imagined pony-me in a vest. “And it wouldn’t hide your amazing flank, so that’s still awesome for me. So, then, if it wasn’t just the fact that you’re a human, what did you find so odd?”
“It’s that I’m still a human,” I said, causing Vinyl to groan. “It feels odd that we will still have at least an entire day of no-tension waiting before Lyra can switch us back to normal. There’s no risk, no danger, just the two of us resting around the house as humans. The denouement is too long, and the story’s pacing is terrible.”
Vinyl sighed before kissing my cheek. “Is this that Pie gene thing where you start thinking of your life as if it were a story? ‘Cause you know it’s not a story, right? Like, real life doesn’t have neat little resolutions, and sometimes the timing of things isn’t right. That’s just how life is.” Vinyl moved to wrap her arms around me and draw me next to her, before using the opportunity to plant a string of kisses down my side. I felt blood rush to my cheeks.
“I know,” I said as I wrapped my arms around her backside, enjoying the sensation of furless flesh pressed against furless flesh. “Still, is it too much to ask for a proper climax?”
She giggled at my word choice, and I found myself instantly regretting it. “Well, I have a few ideas for a proper climax, and most of them involve seeing what these new thingies can do.” She wiggled her fingers in front of me, and I couldn’t help but grin.
By the end of the night, I found myself agreeing with a sentiment I heard Bon-Bon utter over a year ago. Fingers were indeed wonderful.
Author's Note
Two stories in two days? That's crazy. I'm crazy. For further proof of that fact, I'd like to remind you all that I'm going to try and publish a chapter of a story every day in July. The story itself is still kind of a secret (Spoilers: It involves Octavia and Vinyl dealing with ridiculously implausible situations), but keep an eye out for it on July 1st.
