Chapters One Crazy ... Crazy Family
Bum, bum, bum, filly in the sun.
Bum, Bum, Bum, Filly in the sun Oh quite so fun! Filly in the sun. She saw a potato patch Growing on a roof of thatch. She popped the potatoes into corn And Timberwolves came with fangs of thorn Munching the potato corn all day long Side by side with the changeling throng Bum, Bum, Bum, Filly in the sun!
And speaking of sun fillies, there’s dearest Princess Celestia! ...oh goody. Oh she’s seen me too, funny you’d think a princess would be above grudges. That just proves the fact that no pony’s perfect, so ha ha princess rainbow-sherbert-for-a-mane. But ohhh whats this? Why it’s the trio of fillies who so graciously freed me from that stuffy boulder of a prison. I never thanked them did I? Oh how rude of me! I simply must repay them! Discord’s lips curled into a smile.
Oh dear, the nag is glaring at me, really is a wonder her face hasn’t frozen like that yet, in fact…
“Me?” He flipped upside down his eyes level with the old biddy. “Why, I’m just doing my job, dear princess perfect” He heard a snort and glanced toward the trio of fillies. The white unicorn was trembling behind the yellow earth pony with the bow, who was stepping in front of her as if I might leap at them any second (tempting, completely assure you, nothing is as much fun as scaring young fillies). You know, I’ve always wondered how earth ponies could do stuff like that, considering they don’t have any claws or Faust forbid...thumbs. Then there’s the orange pegasus. Well, this filly looks like she appreciates quality when she sees it. The little orange puff of feathers was barely concealing a smile. Very well then, on with the show.
“Discord!” Drat. Celestia was still glaring at Discord, unaware of his devious prank, which sort of put him out, as this prank in his opinion, was quite brilliant indeed. Discord turned his beautiful face back to the sun goddess's mug. (Just because she’s called a Goddess does not mean she’s automatically beautiful. She’s much too symmetrical) Oh well, might as well give the old girl what she wants.
“Yes, your majesty” Funny, even with her face frozen, her eyes manage to twitch.
“What job is that?” Damn when is she going to realize his brilliant prank? Time to up things a notch. Discord flashed on a police uniform, waving his french rapier in front of him heroically.
“Why patrolling Equestria, doing good deeds, just as you ordered.” Oh Faust, it was getting harder and harder not to laugh. Believe it or not Celestia’s glare grew uglier. The poor dear’s only making things worse for herself. Suspicion really isn’t an attractive look on her.
“You don’t do anything good unless it’s asked of you Discord.” Can’t disagree there. What I consider a good deed has always been lost on the pathetic pony populous (try saying that three times fast) . It’s as my old buddy Sombra used to say ‘No good deed goes unpunished’; a positively wicked expression isn’t it? Last time I tried doing something good (ie make the world more fun and less boring) I got turned into a lawn ornament for over a millennium. Some ponies...so ungrateful. Discord mentally sniffed.
“Be that as it may my dear, that does not mean I am necessarily doing anything bad either.Funny, very funny, but not bad. “In fact, I’m here to do a,” cue spanish accent, “ berry berry good deed right now.” Down with the Spanish Accent now.
“And that would be?”
“Ummm..Princess Celestia” a mini hick accent spoke up. Celestia turned to face the fillies, and to Discord’s utter delight, all three fillies shrank back at the unintentional sun/wrathful/fury-of-a-thousand-suns glare. She’s obviously trying to look confused, but it only makes her face look worse, ergo, making the fillies look like they’re going to wet themselves at any moment. Hello, warm buttery popcorn, have you met my stomach? We’re in for quite a show in 5…(Celestia’s still trying to llok confused),.. 4…(fillies looking like they’re about to cry...and here’s my soda!)...3…(Celestia is FINALLY feeling her face)...2…(Princess Sunshine is turning toward me)...1…(I’ve already put in my ear buds)...and…
“Discord” she said quietly...wait quietly? What, no flames of anger? No bright bursts of power? No playing Chase the Manic? Celestia you disappoint. I flick my tail and my movie snacks disappear. Celestria was obviously trying to stay in control here, for the sake of the traumatised fillies. “Put my face back”
“dnatsrednu t’nod i yrros,” I reply, crossing my arms and pouting (translation: sorry I don’t understand)
“Discord,” ohh warning voice, sooo scary. Sorry dearie no elements of harmony around here.
“Ti ezorf tsuj i, retsamksaT ereht thgir si ecaf ruoy.” (Your face is right there taskmaster, I just froze it)
“Fine, I’ll call Fluttershy.”
Damn it. “Taht rof deen on, whoops, I mean, No need for that. I’ll behave.” Cue halo, “I’ll be good.” I snapped my fingers, and the biddy’s face relaxed. I think I liked it better before. “See?”
Celestia turned to the still terrified fillies. “Girls, I’m so sorry, but I need to deal with this,” Her eyes flicked towards me. The uni-oonie and the bow wonder nodded. Brainwashed little tikes, Celestia’s trained her subjects well. The feather ball on the other hand, stared at me curiously. Cautiously of course, but curious all the same. “Scootaloo?” And there’s the nag again.
“Uh, yeah I understand.” Discord mentally snorted. Nice save kid . Princess Priss didn’t seem to notice, but the other two were giving her rather worried looks. Two less than a decade old fillies are more observant than a I’m-not-allowed-to-say-or-I-die-painfully old alicorn sun goddess. Go figure.
“Very well then, I’ll teleport you three home now.” Celestia’s horn glowed all twinkle twinkly little starry, and the three little ponies were poof poofed all the way home, leaving me with a not so happy Alicorn princess. I could just poof away myself, but if her snootiness actually sent away three poor little fillies, it must either be very important, or very interesting and I can assure you that there is a big difference. It’s like how paying your taxes is very ‘important’ (debatable) but it is just a pain in the tail to actually do. Thus, I’m hoping it’s the latter. “Discord, I have a deal for you.”
And yes, I know there is a Faust out there, thank you oh great Mother. I think this a good time to mention, I’m still upside down, so let me just correct myself…”Get off of my back Discord”
Oh what a kill joy. I settle with floating hammock style in front of her. “Okay then, I’m all ears” Jack rabbit ears DO come in handy! And they make me feel so cuddly. “What’s the dealio?” Now it’s the I’m-the-Queen-of-everything-so-do-as-I-say face. This is going to be good. “Discord, how is it even after all this, your heart is still so hard?”
No demand, no witty comeback, no Fluttershy the proxy slave master threat? (Don’t get me wrong, the mare is an absolute gem, and I love her to bits, but let’s face it, that’s how she originally started out as) What angle was the her Royal Highness playing at? Of course being the wonderfully ingenious me as I am, I give no indication of my confusion, despite my initial statement. Just cock your eyebrow up just a bit, and bam! Perfect nonchalance.
“You heard me Discord”
“Yes. Yes I did.” A motioned her to continue with my lion paw. She actually shook her head at me!
“Never mind Discord.” Finally, an end to all this silly mare, emotional, mushy gushy business. On to the good part. “I have a proposal can can benefit both of us.”
“Okay then boss lady shoot” ...what you expect me to pull out a gun? How barbaric! And more importantly, how predictable! Shame on you.
“Those three fillies you saw,”
Fillies? Celestia was asking me to deal with fillies?! What was the world coming too? But Discord the magnificent managed to keep his cool.
“Yeeeesssss?”
“You saw the pegasus, and she seemed to notice you too.” Mare wasn’t as oblivious as I first thought, just more devious.
“So what? You want me to scare them straight? Prevent the next great evil?”
Celestia wrinkled her nose. “No.” I heard her mumble, “If I wanted to make sure that didn’t happen, I wouldn’t be asking you.” That made my rabbit ears perk...hey if I have jack rabbit ears and a deer horn, am I part of some sub-species of Jackalope?
“You’re adopting her.”
Author's Note
Hey guys what's shaking? For those of you who don't bother reading the author tagg, I am Dragon Fruit. So yeah thats me. I thrive on reviews peoples, so the more reviews, the faster I move. Here's something else to sweeten the deal: I'm trying out a character Q&A. Ever wonder whats going through their heads? Here's the rules you can ask ONE character ONE question, and we'll see how many will answer! So yeah see ya!
One Crazy ... Crazy Family
Let's Make a Deal!
Did I just hear that right? I reach into my bunny ears and pull out an inflatable pool turtle ring, a bushel of apples, and an purple masked fox. The fox put on the ring, swiped the bushel of apples, and slunked off into the woods. Somewhere, I'm sure a little girl and her Boots are thanking me.
Discord's ears dissappear ed in a flash and he straightened up in the air. There was very, very few times when Celestia managed to surprise him, and every time she had, it ended badly. Doing his best to hide his surprise he did the only thing he could: let his jaw drop straight to the floor, the whole three feet. Then realizing that this was just an elaborate prank he began to laugh. Who knew the nag still had some jokes in her!
"Discord stop that at once" He only laughed harder.
"Dearest Celestia, who've thought that after all these years, you still had a sense of humor?! My Faust, this is delicious! Me adopting a-"
"I'm serious Discord"
"No in Faust's bucking name way"
She sighed as if she expected this. Now the glorified rainbow rag is thinking me predicable! How dare she, the insipid...the, the... Red's slid up my lower half. She's still glaring at me.
"Discord-"
"No. There is no way I'm becoming anybody's filly daddy" Interpret that how you will.
"It would be to your benefit" There was a pop, and Discord had his face pressed against Celestia's (who impressively neither flinched, nor changed her expression. Also impressive, Discord managed not to get his eyes, nose/general facial area, poked on that ridiculously long pole on her forehead) giving her a good view of the red climbing up his neck.
"How, pray tell," he said in a sing song voice that did not match his now serious, and devilishly handsome, eyes, "does me, the king of chaos, benefit from something as tedious, as boring, and ...ugh" he shuddered, "as responsible, as parenthood?"
"You'll earn your freedom."
She let that hang the air for a moment as I felt the red immediately drain from me. Now before we continue let me tell you a wonderful little story, about a poor handsome dragonesque and a cruel evil Alicorn queen (And it’s NOT Nightmare Moon). Once upon a time, the evil queen was threatened by the handsome dragonesque because he was prettier, wiser, and an all around more fun and better pony than she ever could be. So one day she and her just as evil but slightly weaker sister ganged up on the handsome dragonesque, turning him into stone for a thousand years, and leaving him to spend his days in the middle of a gaudy garden, to grow moss that itched so very badly on parts he could never scratch, surrounded by birds that used him like a port-a-potty, and giving ponies tours around him to laugh in his face. Then one fateful day, three fillies on one of these Humiliate-the-Dragonesque tours managed to help him break out of his stone prison (thank Faust for petty filly fights) to which his graciousness paid them back in kind by NOT turning them into pineapples (which now that I think about it, means I don’t have to give them a thank-you deed, oh goody). However, our hero’s freedom was short lived, as the evil Alicorn queen sent her ugly (except Fluttershy), cruel (except Fluttershy), and brainwashed (....) stooges to return him to his stone prison. He fought valiantly with power and wit, but was sadly out numbered (NOT outmatched, and the poor thing was just recovering from the past millenniums. Talk about kicking a pony while he’s down) and once again sealed away. Then the evil princess had a plan. She had an evil plan. She had an awfully meanie beanie, evil trampoline-ie plan! She had her stooges free the poor dragonesque, assigning one in particular with the task of training him to come at the queen’s beck and call! He tried to resist, at one point, trying to flee in the night, only to face the evil queen once again. Apparently when he was being released the second time, she had cast a terrible curse: his powers were all but gone, his once unlimited power reduced to that of mere unicorn parlor tricks! He could not leave Equestria, he could not come and go as he once pleased. In fact, her own personal student (the only one other than Starswirl the Bearded that he hadn’t driven out) was equal to him in power (But Faust forbid the ignorant mare should ever know that, or it’s dragonesque kabobs for din-din) and could take him down in a fight. For those who don’t know what this means, it meant that if Draggie put one little toesie out of line, it’s back to the stony lonesome….literally. However, coming to realize that his new pony caretaker was only a brainwashed victim of a much larger scheme, he convinced the kind pony not to use her weapon to harm him ever again, all the while suffering under the cruel, unmerciful words and treatment of her fellow (and much much meanier and dummber mind you) meat puppets. The End.
Who said heroes always get a happy ending? Most certainly not me.
Discord squinted his eyes and crossed his arms at the Windingo incarnate. As the spirit of chaos, he needed room to do his work, and having severely limited magic really did cut into his chaos quotas. However, he too was once a ruler, and other than the obvious request, any possible reward comes with more than one string attached. “Freedom to what extent?” No, no, he wasn’t really considering it, but let’s just say he wanted to humor Celestia Almighty. Let’s just see what she’d be willing to offer.
“All of your powers completely restored, and free reign to do as you wish with them so long as it does not harm anypony. ”
“And other than the return of my power, how is that any different than what I do right now?” It’s a fair question is it not? I’ve messed with ponies heads, scared them out of their wits (such as the flower incident with Miss Magic Pants and Princess Lovey-Dovey), and all and all grace them with my splendiforous presence, but I’ve never done anything to actually harm a pony.
“You’ll never have to take another order from me again. Whether you decide to help Equestria or not will be completely of your own violation."
"With no interference from you or you pony parole patrol?
"...none."
Now that was a tempting offer. Discord pondered Celestia's offer, sipping a cup of tea. On the one hand, if he did this, he'd be free of the royal pain in his flank forever...as long as he didn't harm anypony, but that was easily circumvented. On the other, he'd still be playing by Celestia's rules, and that never sat well with him.
"Well Discord?"
Discord grinned and swallowed down his tea, cup and all. "Very well then Celestia, I accept your proposal, but-"
"But what Discord?" Well wasn't someone in a crabby mood today?
"Rather than making this plan a deal, let's make it a wager" Deals were set in stone, with the rewards and rules set up ahead of time in a boring bureaucratic fashion. Wagers were less predictable, meaning I... I mean we, can do anything we wish. Plus, keeping the enemy on their toes is so much fun, the possibilities, the chaos! And most importantly, the game will be played on my terms, not hers.
"Wager?" She looks cautious, Discord thought. But then he added merrily, As she should be!
"Why of course! After all, something as important as-" I couldn't help but snicker, "parenthood isn't so predictable as mere contract of 'I do this' and 'you do that' is it?" She's thinking now, good.
"What are the stakes?" Just like Celsetia, always thinking ahead, well beating her wouldn't be as satisfying if she didn't.
"If I win, not only do I get my powers back, I get total amnesty for all past crimes" Air quotes on 'crimes' because really, I was doing Equestria a service- under my great rule, not one, not a single pony, was ever bored. But did anypony appreciate it? Nooooooo.
"Fine."
"In fact I want them to be blotted out from all historical records." So you can't hold anything against me Prissy McHooferton. Well, nothing you can prove anyway. Ohhh does she look mad!
"But-" A lollipop appears and I shove it in her mouth. Sweets for her Royal Sweetness.
"Now, now my dear, don't you know interrupting is rude? Shame on you." Discord patted Celestia patronizingly. Oh and there's the eye twich again. "In addition to all my conditions, I also demand that after this whole 'Daddy Discord' facade, whether or not I win, I can do with the little filly as I see fit."
"No." Really now Celestia, must you always oppose me? I begin spinning like a clock, and impressively the Sunny with a Chance of Rainbows manages to keep her hateful glaring seeing balls locked on mine. Time to bring out the big guns.
"And I suppose you intend to saddle the filly with me for the rest of her life?" A pony's life span is like a blink of an eye to an immortal such as myself, but I'd still rather not spend that blink with an annoying pony calling me 'dad'. "You would have me lie for a lifetime to that sweet, innocent, unsuspecting doll?" Two things to know about Celestia: 1) She's a sucker to guilt. 2) She's a sucker for her precious ponies. Celestia's face began to crack and Discord pressed his advantage. "I promise, that after it's over, whether or not I keep the kid or not no physical harm shall come to her." Thankfully Celestia seemed to have missed that 'physical' bit. He could see Celestia's internal struggle. She sighed, and Discord gave an internal cheer.
"Fine Discord, you may do with her as you wish, as long as no harm comes to her. Anything else?"
"How about replacing the mountains with mountains of rock candy?"
"No." Discord pouted.
"Fine then, that's all."
"And if I win, you will become part of the royal guard. You will be under my command, no questions asked. You will be submissive to my orders, and you will be submitted to a controlled, orderly conduct in my presence as well as others while you are on duty. However because of your chaotic nature, you will have free time where you can use your powers in a free non-harmful manner, as defined by me. Is that clear?"
I stopped spinning and swallowed. Anything defined by Celestia is usually suck-ish for me, and to be under her hoof for all of eternity would be Tartarus. But what's the fun of a bet without high stakes? "Alright then. What are we wagering on?"
"Whether or not you can effectively nurture another living being other than yourself to their benefit. Not yours." Typical. Also boring, but I can work with that.
"Who defines 'their benefit'?"
"Me."
"No, you have a lot riding on this wager, and I have no doubt you'd do anything to get me as your errand pony." Discord crossed his lion and eagle arms in finality.
"You'd think I'd stoop so low?" Celestia actually sounded hurt! I guess when you rule unquestioned for a thousand years, it's a shock when your not everyone's shining beacon. Discord raised an eyebrow on response (it flew off his face before gently floating back into place. Hey, that sort of rhymed!). Celestia shook her head. "Fine then, but then Luna has to allowed to judge the child for herself." Ahhh, the mare who went moony- pun completely intended.
"And how pray tell is your sister any better than you? Family bias anyone?"
"She has a good relationship with the filly. In fact that's why the girls were with me in the first place...to visit Luna." Do my ears decieve me or do a hear a speck of jealousy? Ooooo, looks like somepony's not a foal favorite anymore. "Plus I don't think after the...incident, she's not as ready to side with me as she was once before." Discord snorted. If you call being banished to the moon for a thousand years an incident then being imprisoned in stone is as nice as a summer vacation in the Colt-a-bbean . He sipped a class of chocolate milk thoughtfully (or coco moo as he liked to call it). So, there's still some resentment among the royal siblings. I can use that to my advantage. Let me tell you, even if I may not be what you consider, 'sane', I'm a master strategist. I'm mad, bonkers. Off my head. But I'll tell you a secret, all the best ponies are.
"Fine," I concede. "Who else?"
"A pony in Ponyville named Cherilee. She's the filly's teacher and other than her friends, she knows her best."
"I can live with that" It's another pony under Celestia's hoof, but I'm sure with some persuasion, that can be amended in my favor. Of course I can't be obvious or whoever it is will report straight to Celestia, and then I'd be in trouble.
"And no interfering with their decision making Discord," she said pointedly. "If your caught doing so, then you forfeit the wager." Called it.
"Whose?"
"The filly's of course! What, do you actually trust me to take care of her alone? And it's like they say, 'mother knows best'."
"That's not part of the agreement!" How cute, she's spluttering. I wrapped my tail on a cloud I popped up and began swinging upside down like a possum.
"Our agreement my dear was that I care for my new found bundle of joy. There was no rule saying that I had to do so alone. And thus I repeat, do you actually trust me to take care of her alone?" Once again I can see that she's struggling. I tend to have that affect on people.
"Who do you have in mind?" Discord grinned, this was exactly as he was hoping for.
"She's someone we both know I assure you." he said, suddenly appearing behind Celesia's sun marked (or hasn't anyone else noticed her cutie mark) rump.
"She has everything needed to be considered a good mother. She is nothing but kind to her charges, and it's often to her own detriment, sometimes I just feel so bad for her. Unfortunately, she's not an actual mother per-say, but she has dealt with fillies before and they seem to like her just fine." I appear above her, having a good view of her reaction. I see her relax a bit, it's obvious who she has in mind. "It takes a bit to get her out of her shell, and I'll admit, it will take some work to get her to agree, but once she does, I'm sure she'll be able to keep me in line." Celestia's eyed me suspiciously and I do my best to look disgusted, as if working with someone else is beneath me, which let's face it, it really is.
"Will you be presenting her as your wife?" Discord openly grabbed his throat and gagged. Disappointingly looking down at Celestia he tutted.
"Now Celestia, she has a hard time dealing with stallions by herself, she wouldn't dream of presenting herself as my wife. But let's face it, I'm a catch." Celestia snorted, but Discord let it pass. "Plus, I'd never do something like that, to somepony like her."
"I just want to clarify something my dear. The mare I've chosen will have to work with me."
"Yes and?" Celestia said with slight irritation.
"Other pony's may be afraid of her, maybe to the point of harming..." I twirl my eagle claw, seeing if she caught my drift.
"She will be under the complete and utter protection of the royal family."
"That's all I needed to hear. After all, I wouldn't want anypony hurt on my account." Celestia seemed impressed. She probably thought it's because I care about the mare. Poor dear is absolutely deluded.
"That's all I ask. Now what's our time slot?"
"Six months."
Flipping through my Dragon Tales calender and... "I'll have to push shuffle-boarding with Wocky back to next Frabjusday (that's if he's still around poor guy, I hear that blonde nitwit is heckling him with that vorpol slicing stick again), but I suppose that'll be fine. Now, anything else?"
"No telling anyone that's not involved about this wager, especially Scootaloo. Understand?"
"Of course not! Can't let the poor child know it only takes royal intercession to get her a mommy and daddy." Ha! I finally got the living statue to flinch.
"She very well could Discord, however this is for both your sakes." she said stiffly, but I also catch a hint of doubt and just a whiff of guilt. I start twisting top style. I invented dizzy you know. Seeing things spinning is fun, especially when they're actually standing still.
"Whatever helps you sleep at night princess." I catch her grimace as I spin. Me thinks there's more to this filly-princess business than me first thinks I thought I should think. And stop spinning...now. "Anything else?"
"Turn around" Oh how rude of me! I perch on my head and face back to my 'queen'. Putting weight on your head is a good way to stop the spinning, (I usually hate doing so, but unfortunately, sometimes it must be done) She sighs in annoyance. "Discord, put you head back on." Fine, I'll just listen while you spin. Entertain me pony, Entertain! " And the other rule is this: Any harm that comes to the child because of you directly or indirectly will immediately lead to an automatic loss."
"That has to be a two way streak Celestia."
"You dare suggest-"
"Oh come not Celestia, of course I don't (my wings are crossed behind my back), but let's make this fair shall we?"
"Fine. I've arranged for all the necessary paperwork to be done already, so it's all legal." She was that sure I'd accept? My, my, isn't somepony prepared. I see where the purple egghead gets it from. "And because your charge is a pegasus, and also because I don't want all of Ponyville charging after you, I have arranged for your house to be on a cloud above the heart of the Everfree forest. Will the filly's....mother be alright with that?"
Discord waved his eagle talon lazily. "She can fly, that'll be no problem. Plus I'm thinking she won't be wanting to leave her charges home alone all the time. Now if this is over, I must be off. I have a scheduled tea wish Fluttershy and I simply can't wait to tell her the good news!"
Celestia smiled faintly, "Very well then, I wish you the best Discord"
"I'd say the same, but you tell me not to lie." I'm about to pop away when something strikes me. "BT-dubs Celestia, what is the name of my new precious bundle of joy again?"
"Scootaloo"
"Thank you so very much. Ta, ta!" Scootaloo huh? That just rolls off the tongue doesn't it? Scoot-a-loo, Scoot-Scoot, aloo-aloo. ScootalooScootalooScootaloo! Huh, she didn't appear, well that's disappointing. Wait a apple juicing second! I think that was the filly who said the dragonesque-statuesque me stood for Chaos. The other two were close but no cigar, and all their silly teacher did was say my name. Oooo, so this filly's got a good sense of humor and a brain? The possibilities. I poof out in a spectacular show of lights and lazers, appearing silently in front of Fluttershy's door; poor dear hates it when I startle all her fuzzy wuzzys. I gently knock. "Fluttershy, I'm here!"
The door was opened by a yellow pink maned mare, smiling brightly. "Discord! Come in! Did you bring the cucumber sandwiches?" Her voice was so soft one might need a hearing aid to hear her. But the poor dear is simply a gem among gems, only the best to be friends with the wonderful me. (Let's ignore that she's the only one willing)
Discord poofed up a silver tray of dainty cucumber sandwiches with a side of strawberry tea. "Right here! And my dear Fluttershy, I simply have some great news I must share with you! Before you say yes or no please hear me out, it will be fantastic!"
The tunnels leading to the caves were lined with a lightly glowing moss, and crystal stalactites and stalagmites, giving the gave an eerie yet beautiful glow. Discord's ears twitched as he heard a buzzing. He smiled as he saw the source: a black filly sized pony, with milky blank turquoise eyes, a small horn, and ratty bug wings. Speaking of ratty, its scaly like mane and legs were full of holes as well. Changelings were sooo tacky, and most of them looked alike, how...uniform. The chaos they can cause with their shape shifting though, how juicy. "What do you want Discord?" It's voice was low and raspy, with the effect of a small dog...you may be willing to kick it to make it shut up. All the changelings know of me, no matter how old. I'll give the old bag this, while she is a complete liar to the ponies above, she keeps nothing from her own subjects. I'm not surprised. Celsetie-Sun-Sets-in-the-Westie could learn a thing or two from her. She's always been the princess's complete antithesis (Oh big word. Don't know it? Dictionary it).
"My dear fellow-"
"I'm a girl"
"And I don't care. Please take me to your leader." I donned my little green pony mask. The apparently female changeling immediately took a defensive stance, it's horn glowing and wings buzzing angrily. Ho hum. However I couldn't help but notice that the magic from its horn seemed very subdued in color, meaning-WEAKLING! I can so take him-her, whatever. I take my own awesome ninja fighting pose, wrapping my face in a red hood and my body in a pink kimono for good measure (I have a figure for anything). The changeling and I had a stare off, and as I was getting bored and preparing to pull out a giant fly-swatter, the whatever tilted its head as if listening for something to someone. Then the magic from the whatever's horn faded and the wings stopped buzzing.
Whatever's eyed me distrustfully. "The queen says to bring you in." I clapped my paw and claw together joyfully.
"Thank you, but I think I'll just show myself in." Before whatever could protest, Discord disappeared in a puff, reappearing in the most depressing throne room he had ever seen. On the throne, looking bored but acutely aware, was the Queen of the Shifters herself, Her Deceitfulness, Her Mischief-sty, Queeeeeennnnnn Chyrsalissssssss! Discord mockingly bowed to the Hive's Head Honcho, "Good evening my dearest and most beautiful-"
"What do you want Discord" So straight forward!
Discord gripped his heart in mock injury. "You wound me Chryssie" Ever notice how something without paws, claws, or any grabbing appendages whatsoever grips something when their upset? "Can't I just pop in to visit a friend after all these years?"
"You are far from a friend Dragonques. You never come unless you want something."
Discord shrugged his shoulders. "Got me there," He said with this roguish smile.
"So tell me then. what. do. you. want." Well fine then.
I disappear in front of her and grab the back of her throne, which I now realize is just crystal growing out of the cave floor in a chair like fashion. Way to use that room honey. Cue mental snap and neck twist. I lowered my mouth to her ear a I see her stiffen, though her expression doesn't change. Always the brave one aren't we? I say the words most mares wait all their lives to hear into her ear.
"Queen Chrysalis. Will you do me the honor of being the mother of my child?"
Author's Note
Hey guys I'm back! Just so ya know, I'm gonna be up dating once a week, occasionally earlier. Discord is ....well I don't know what he is. But he is sure funny. Okay the character Q&A is still on, and I'm hopping everyone got my wicked reference last chapter. BEST SHOW EVER! I love to leave Easter eggs in fanfiction. Exercises the mind and all that. Remember the more reviews, the faster I work. And thank you all for your comments, follows, likes, and favoring, that makes me want to work even harder! Balloon bye!
One Crazy ... Crazy Family
Well as you can imagine, it went as well as expected. Queen Chryssie the Stiffie took aim and fired, with little ol' me dodging for my life (as if), unable to get in nary a word. And it ends with Discord being impaled and imprisoned, forever, in a very spiky ball of spikes (thanks a lot ParadigmShift).
How anti-climactic.
Well what really happened was after shoving a giant marshmallow over her magic maker, I sat her down on her throne with some extra sticky fly paper and explained the whole shebang; Celestia, our wager, and the necessity of the filly in question to have a 'mother'. I also I may not have mentioned that if I win I get my full powers, but such details are quite insignificant don't you think? Especially when said Changeling Queen hates your guts. "And why the Tartarus should I care whether you become Celestia's lap dog or not?" See what I mean?
Discord floated above the crystal throne filing his eagle talons. "Because my dearest Chryssie, as you can see, I know where you live, and should I become Celestia's errand colt, it'd be a shame if I let the location of your lovely hive...oh I don't know, slip my tongue?" His tongue fell to the floor. Chrysalis' eyes narrowed and her ears twitched in annoyance. But Discord wasn't a cruel chaos spirit, he had a heart...even if it was as twisted as a braided sailor pony's knot. He patted the changeling queen's noggin
"Come now Chrysalis, its not that bad. In fact, it could be quite beneficial to you."
"Oh yeah, how?"
"Well, it's not like you've ever had a foal?" Hurt flashed across her eyes. Looks like I touched a nerve, oh goody! "It's not like it's a secret that you've always wanted a little one of your own."
"My people are my children." Chrysalis ground out. Grit your teeth like that my dear and your teeth with be grinded to nubs.
"Yes, I'm sure to them your just mummy dearest." Really my nails look great!
"I've taken care of the hatchlings in the nursery before."
"For an hour each then their mommies and daddies come to pick them up. So your less than a mother and more of a babysitter."
"But at the end of the day, each of your subjects have their own families to return to right? They may love you, but your their leader,it's just not the same as the unconditional love of a child of your own is it?" Discord could sense the queen's growing doubt, so he pressed on. "And think of the advantages you have in this situation. Get the filly to believe the mother act, and you'll have an untapped and unlimited supply of love to feed off of. Best of all, due to the rules of the wager, Celestia can do nothing to stop you."
Now what many don't know about changeling is this: as creatures that feed solely off of love, they could easily feed off of each other. However due to the practice leading to unrest in the hive with the uncertainly of whom was exploiting whom for a free meal ticket, Chrysalis banned the practice. Chrysalis genuinely loves (oh I think I'm going to be sick) the changelings, so using the Hive Mind, she allowed her people to feed off of her, though not vice versa. However, as any mother knows, feeding the little ones is extremely strenuous work, and you can only go so long without your own little pick me up; so came the practice of feeding of other ponies/griffins/any other living thing's love to keep the hive thriving. Feeding off the queen was now an emergency measure, and as seeing that every changeling had been driven underground, this time would count as such. Isn't history amazing? In short, get queen fed equals more power for her which equals more power for the hive. Now back to our featured presentation.
"Discord!" Oh I must have zoned out again.
"Yes?"
"I said does the filly know about the situation?" That's a good sign.
"Of course not" Discord scoffed. "What do you take me for?" Chrysalis opened her mouth to replied, but seemed to think better of it, instead asking another question. Smart of her.
"You honestly think the child will let me feed off of her?"
"It won't hurt her."
"Usually does."
"My dear Chryssie," Oh really can't anybody express their anger better than am eye twitch? What about a horn twitch? Or a clenching their wings? Ooo, what about fireworks! "You'll be her mother. Does it hurt when you feed the hive?"
"...no"
"Exactly!" Discord bopped her nose with a claw. "Love given freely tends not to leave anypony with ouchie ouchie side effects."
"I suppose. If I have a disguise-"
"No. No disguises."
"Why not?" Because I much rather have Celestia freaking out when she see's who I really had in mind for this mother shtick. And to those of you who for some strange reason thought I was going to ask Fluttershy, I just went to ask her about letting me grow snapping sunflowers around her chicken coop, you know to keep away the predators and all that. Plus flustered hens are always fun to watch. Poor dear was hesitant at first, but I promised that neither predator nor prey would be harmed (physically, I don't know of funny others might fine flowers with teeth) she was right on board.
"Because love is built on trust (or so I'm told), and showing your real self right off the back will get to trust you faster."
"What about other ponies"
"Feel free to transform all you want then. But no feeding, we don't want to attract to much attention from Celestia"
"But you said-"
"I'm not the only one that can find loopholes."
She considered this for a moment. "Fine. Let's say I agree to this scheme of yours," She is so in. "Whose the filly in question?"
"Just a second" Discord pulled out and opened a carpet bag. Reaching in and pulling out a broomstick here, a lamp there, he finally tugged out an impossibly large ornate mirror. "Now if you would step forward." Chrysalis pointed to her flypapered tushie. "Oh how silly of me." he laughed. He snapped his fingers and the queen poofed from her throne, to his side, flypaper free. "Now," he faced the mirror. "Mirror, Mirror let us see, Who my new daughter -to-be." The surface of the mirror fogged and swirled, clearing away to reveal the image of an orange, purple maned pegasus filly chatting with a cyan, rainbow maned mare. Chrysalis recognized her immediately.
"That mare-" she spluttered angrily
"The one, the only, Heeeerrrreeee's Rainbow! Dash that is." Wonder what my chances of hosting the Bits is Right are?
"Why is she with the child?"
"She is what you would call..."How did Fluttershy put it? "...A surrogate sister to our Scoot-to-the-loo, my darling. Well that'll be the first thing to go."
"No." Discord raised a brow.
"No?"
"No. This child according to you, has a direct connection to at least one of Celestia's, Elements of Harmony." She spat at the title.
"Oh?" Discord laid his chin on his hands gossip girl style. "Do dish"
"After your allotted time-"
"I'll be free" Discord interrupted.
Chrysalis laughed mockingly. The nerve of some ponies! "What's so funny?"
"You haven't stopped to see the big picture Discord. Don't you realize that even if you win, your freedom is not guaranteed?" Now what's Queen Bee talking about?
"Of course it is. Weren't you listening?"
"According to you, your freedom was dependent on the contract. When you called the wager, you only mentioned having your crimes cleared. Or was there something you failed to tell me. Chrysalis gave Discord a hard stare. He merely blew a raspberry.
"Of course not." Except I get my full powers back, but you don't need to know that dearie.
"Then, there's nothing stopping her from controlling you for future crimes." Oh this does not sound good.
"I assumed all conditions transferred from deal to wager." Oh Faust, even I think that sounds pathetic. Beetles for brains is looking at me as if I'm an idiot. Rude.
"Assuming makes an ass out of you and me Discord." She replied.
"Celestia wouldn't pull that." At least I hope she wouldn't. She's changed over the millennia it seems.
"Discord, you said it yourself: your not the only one that can find loopholes. Take it from me as a ruler. You've set yourself up. Even if you win, she can still take you down." Oh damn it all to Tartarus. I've been getting soft headed in my old age!
"Then what do you suggest my dear?"
"Use the child." Discord removed his goat horn and began polishing it thoughtfully.
"....As a buffer?"
"And as a weapon." Ooo, this is gonna be good. Discord placed the horn back on his head.
"So I'm guessing your in?"
Chrysalis reached out a Swiss cheese hoof. "Shall we?" I shook her hoof with my paw feeling a grin spread across my face.
"Well then, let's get too work."
The filly rushed out of her room to meet the stern faced, sand colored, red maned mare at the front. "Yes Ms. Hannigan?"
"There's someone outside to see you." She said through gritted teeth.
Scootaloo couldn't understand why she was upset. As far as she knew, she hadn't done anything. She dragged herself to the orphanage's lobby, quickly going over anything she could have done to upset Hannigan (or Hag-igan as she liked to call her). Breaking the table at Sugar Cube Corner? No, the Cakes said it was okay, they were throwing it out anyway. Letting the pigs loose? No, Apple Bloom covered for her. Messing up the library? Spike was made, but Twilight was able to fix it in a jiffy. "Hurry up you little runt." Hag-igan snapped, practically pushing her through he door.
"Hey! Watch it-" Scootaloo looked up in wonder at one of the most beautiful Pegasus ponies she'd ever seen. She was tall as Princess Cadence, slim, graceful, and pure white. She had a long, chest length soft glimmering gold mane with round warm, grass green eyes. She had a magnifying glass on her flank. Detective maybe? She looked like a model straight out of Manehatten! No wonder Hag-igan was so mad, she hated any mare prettier than her. In Scootaloo's opinion, that was just about everyone. The pretty mare smiled sweetly down at the awestruck filly.
"Hello."
"Umm, h-hi"
"You must be Scootaloo" Danger Alert, Danger Alert! Scootaloo was immediately on her guard. She had never met this pony before, what'd she do? As if sensing the little pegasus' unease, the beautiful pony continued. "It's nice to meet you."
"Thanks?"
"Excuse me, Ms...?" Hag-igan interrupted. Scootaloo inwardly cringed, and she thought the strange pegasus' eyes flash with...surprise? Irritation? She couldn't really tell.
The Pegasus turned towards the unpleasant Earth Pony in question. "Chrys-" she paused, catching herself. "Crystal. Crystal Cove."
"Well Ms. Cove, I'm sorry for whatever the filly's done, but-"
"I'm not here for that." She quickly interrupted.
Hag-igan blinked in surprise. "Your not?"
"Your not?" Scootaloo echoed. Crystal smiled in amusement.
"No, I'm not. In fact I came in here to pick her up."
"Wait a sec. You are adopting that ?" Hag-igan jabbed a hoof towards the filly in question. Scootaloo was too shocked to react, but Crystal's eyes hardened.
"Yes I am. I believe the paperwork was already taken care of." She said with a slight edge.
Hag-igan rushed to her desk, flipping through paperwork, leaving the two Pegasi. Finally Scootaloo spoke up. "You're adopting me?"
"Of course. Didn't you just hear me?" Scootaloo smiled back, liking this mare more by the minuet. What she said next made Scootaloo buzz with excitement. "I'm sorry for coming to get you alone, but your father's back at the house making sure everything is ready."
"Wait, I'm getting a Dad too?" Crystal gently laughed.
"Why of course! But be warned-"
"Here it is! But these are from Canterlot."
"Yes, we moved here from Canterlot very recently."
"But-"
"Look Ms. Hag-igan," Crystal interrupted. The earth pony looked flabbergasted as the orange filly below her tried desperately to hide her giggles. The mare looked unabashed. "I really must be going, the filly's father is at home, and frankly the sooner I get back, the less damage he can do. So are we free to go, or do I have to stay here and listen to you further degrade an innocent filly?" The cold radiating from Crystal's glare even gave Scootaloo chills.
Hag-igan stood there gaping like a dead fish. "I'll take that as a no then. Let's be off Scootaloo" She trotted towards the door, her new charge hesitantly following behind her.
As she opened the door, she heard the nasaly earth pony shout from behind her. "The runt can't fly." Crystal immediately studied the Scootaloo's wings. Scootaloo shank under her analytical gaze. Her wings were small and underdeveloped, which tended to be a deal breaker in most adoptions. Raising her head Crystal faced Hag-igan, face impassive. Scootaloo bracing herself for the inevitable.
"Well neither can you, you pathetic waste of space." Useing her head to slide the filly onto her back, and expanding her large white wings, Crystal took off without another word.
They flew in silence for a while until it was too much for the young filly to bear. So came the inevitable question. "Are we there yet?"
"Almost" was the patient reply.
"Where are we going?"
"Home"
"Which is?" Scootaloo asked snarkily. Crystal smiled, she was going to like this kid.
"Here" Crystal smiled as she heard the filly squeal in delight.
"This is AWESOME!" She had seen the house herself, and it looked pretty good if she said so herself. As she turned back to see the house however, she automatically filled with dread.
"Oh no." The house itself was nice. It was a large two story cloud cottage floating right over the center of the EverFree Forest. The problem was that the house was built upside down, under the cloud. It was also various colors, messily splashed on as if someone had just taken random buckets of paint and just threw them across the house's surface. There were various colors and patterns: red, blue, yellow, purple, leopard spots, stripes, polka dots, the whole works. As if that wasn't bad enough, there was a moat. A freaking moat. Of chocolate pudding. How did that not fall out of the sky? Crystal thought it was the dumbest thing she'd ever seen. Scootaloo on the other hand, thought it was the greatest thing ever!
This is where we're going to live?" Scootaloo's wings buzzed excitedly.
"Apparently." The landed on top of the cloud. Sliding of Crystal's back, Scootaloo zipped around taking in the view. In the meantime, Crystal searched for a way into their new 'house'.
"Hey Mom, look at this!" Crystal looked up in surprise. Scootaloo blushed. "Umm-I found something." Upon inspection there was a large black button sticking out from the cloud's floor. Gingerly pressing it, both ponies jumped in surprise as a loud ding sounded and an elevator appeared. Shaking her head Crystal entered, Scootaloo bashfully following behind her.
The silence inside the Elevator was awkward and pregnant. Crystal glanced down at the orange filly who was determinedly looking at the floor. "I don't mind you know." The orange pegasus looked up in confusion. "I don't mind."
"That I called you mom?"
"What else? I just didn't expect you to do that so early. We just met after all." Scootaloo shuffled her hooves nervously. Once again as if reading her mind, she said. "You can call me 'Mom' if you wish...however, I think you may want to hold such terms of endearment until are able to...assess us in a proper light first." She was met with a confused stare.
"Wha?" Crystal nuzzled the filly reassuringly.
"You'll see in a moment." The Elevator opened and the duo stepped out into a beautiful living room.
"What do you mean...." Coastal's jaw went slack at the scene in front of her. Crystal's was surrounded by a green aura, her white coat was turning black, growing thinner and taller, holes on parts of her legs. Her eyes grew brighter and sharper, like that of an insect. Her soft feathery wings became thin and glossy, with a green tinge like a dragonfly's. A jagged black horn grew from her forehead, topped with a small crown perched behind it. He mane went from thick and gold to a thin brittle green.
"Hello Scootaloo." The Changeling Queen said. As she stood before her, and the little pegasus trembled. Without taking her unreadable gaze off the petrified filly, she called out. "Come out Discord."
"Oh your such a spoil sport Chryssie." A voice emanated from all around the room, though Chrysalis seemed unperturbed. Scootaloo looked around wildly. "Behind you my dear." She spun to face a manically grinning dragoneques. Grin growing wider at the filly's obvious fear, he broke out into jazz hands (paws...claws...you get it).
"Oh filly, Daddy's home!"
Author's Note
Hey Everybody! Such a big misunderstanding. How many of you thought I was talking about Fluttershy to play momma bear? Well now that the set up is done, now the real fun can begin! The character Q&A is still on, and they're excited to hear from ya! Chrysalis as a momma, who knew. One last note: I don't mind if you dislike my story, your entilted to your own opinon. But if you do, can you please tell me why? It helps me improve the overall story and myself as a writer. Thank You!
