Dick Figures for Hire: The Only Crossover You'll See Here!

by Awesomedude17

Rating: mature
Tags: Crossover, Human, Comedy, Random
Length: 2302

For once, these appearances do not involve magic. Either way, expect coke on tits, or maybe not, who knows? What was I talking about? I should probably say this story takes place in Equestria. Should I? I already did anyway.

In one world, a time machine malfunctioned to bring a group of stick figures (and raccoon.) In the other, there was a job seeker who discovered that space blows.

Both end up in Equestria, now these two worlds collide in the most hilariously cluster-fucked way possible.

Dick Figures vs. Sonic for Hire, in Equestria!!!

…

Yeah, I'm just as confused as you are.

Sonic for Hire by Lowbrow. Dick Figures by Mondo Media.

I can tell this will suck.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2014-07-08 15:12:23 UTC

This Prologue was Made in Space

"Hey, Sonic. Sonic. Sonic. Sonic. Sonic."

"What?"

"Space blows donkey butt."

"Thanks for pointing that out, Dumbass." Sonic replied to Eggman.

Sonic had it all, money, fame, power, and then he (actually Tails) blew all his money on Dreamcast stock. As a result, he lost all of his money, and ended up going on random odd jobs, getting into trouble with Mario's mafia, killing Mario, taking over Mario's mafia, Tails blowing the mafia and the money, Tails getting rich and becoming an asshole, trying to kill Tails, and ending up in Space where they barely got food, and almost lost stuff while riding space ostriches. All in all, it was becoming normal for Sonic.

And as it turned out, space fucking blows!

"Yeah, thanks for the narration of almost everything I've done so far, dipshit."

Yeah, this is Sonic!

FOR HIRE!

"Sonic, what the hell is that voice in the sky, it sounds like a douchebag got to the microphone." Tails asked.

"The hell if I know."

"Yeah, it came after I said 'Space blows donkey butt' and then I though I could have pork butt for lunch, ohohohoho fuck yeah, let's stop for something to eat!" Eggman said.

"Why is that voice saying something everytime someone new talks?" Earthworm Jim asked. "Seriously, what the hell is that?"

"I dunno, I kinda like it!"

"Hey, dipshits, how about we ignore that voice and get to finding some fucking food!" Sonic yelled out. "And you, shut. The fuck. Up!"

Well, this is fanfiction Sonic.

"Shitballs."

"Oh my God, this is gonna be a fucking mess." Tails said, pinching the bridge of his nose.

"Let's fly to a random planet!" Eggman yelled out, chuckling to himself.

A random screen next to them turned on.

"Hello, I've got a mission, fly to the nearest planet and eradicate the-"

"Yeah, no thanks, doggy." Sonic said as he turned off the screen.

"Random planet, here we fucking come!"

The group cheered on (except Tails, because he's a wad.)

"Hey!"

And they flew down to nearby planet to perform... stuff!

Sonic got on the mic, and spoke into it.

"Attention random planet, all your booze are belong to us!"

"And your deep-fried tacos!!! Especially your deep-fried tacos!!!"

"Shut up Eggman, you fat fuck!"

"Hey retards, now that you said some shit, how about we land, like right fucking now?"

"Fuck you Tails."

"Yeah, fuck you!"

"You're a dicknut!"

"Fuck you Sonic. Fuck you Eggman. Fuck you Jim. Fuck you all." Tails said as he flipped off everyone.

They landed their huge-as-fuck ship onto a random field, and opened up the ramp doorway, crushing something, splattering some muted yellow onto the ground.

"WASSUP, BITCHES!!!" Sonic yelled out as he introduced himself.

"Holy crap, that ship's awesome, but it could be more awesome." A red stick figure said.

"Oh yeah fuckface, how're you planning on doing that?"

"Oh trust me, I know, dude."

"Wait, is that a porcupine?" A purple horse asked. "And what's that voice? I'm not a horse."

"Woah, just like us!"

"What?"

That's right!"

"AWW, no fucking way, your announcer is fucking awesome!" Sonic complained.

"Your name's Sonic? Dude, that's weird." Red said.

"Not as weird as Red."

"Fuck you, we need to challenge each othaaaaaaaa!!!"

"How?"

Hmm... I do not know.

How about a game of...

EXTREME BOOZE DRINKING MARATHON EXTRAVAGANZA!!!!!!!!!!!

"Extreme booze drinking marathon extravaganza! Now you're speaking my fucking language! To the bar!" Sonic then sped off, while Red floated away, hellbent on winning his game.

"W-W-Wait, Sonic!" Tail yelled out as he flew after Sonic, with Eggman and Earthworm Jim running down the stairs.

"HOH! HOH! Fuck me, I'm tired!" Eggman panted.

"You ran like, 20 feet, downhill." Earthworm Jim said.

"Great, another human." Twilight snarked out.

"And he seems kinda..."

"Fat?" Blue suggested to Rainbow Dash.

"Yeah."

"Hey, I'm big-boned, not fat!"

"No, you're fucking fat, dude."

"Go to Hell!"

"Hey, shouldn't we go after Sonic and Red?" Jim asked pretty much everyone.

"OH FUCK!!!" Blue ran as fucking fast as he can and-

"Okay, I want the deep voice narrating us!"

"Sonic, Red, booze!"

"FUCK!!!" Eggman ran off, with the rest joining the group.

Prologue 1 complete.

Prologue 2 begins next!

This Prologue was Made in Time

"Fuck you, I'mma try it out and eat some puss puuuuuuuuusssssssss!!!" Red sang out in his usual voice.

"Cool, deep-voiced narrator."

"Hey Red, who's that?"

That would be me. I am the narrator to your story, now and forever.

"Cool bra." Red replied.

"So, what now?" Blue asked.

"I dunno, wanna get some dudes together for some reason?"

"Ehh, why not, it's not like we have anything better to do."

"DUUUUUUUDE!!! How about we time travel?"

"What?"

Like that time you ate the dinosaurs.

"Yeah, like that!" Red said, flying out the door because he is pure awesome.

"Hey!" Blue yelled out because he is less than cool.

"HEY!!!"

"Hay is for horses, dude. You're a horse, horsey!"

"Screw you, I'd be the best pony if that happened."

"OH! Hello ASSHOLES!!! What a wonderful day we're SHITTING in, isn't it?" Lord Tourettes giggled to himself.

"Hey LT, we're doing random shit for no reason with a random narrator." Red said.

Also, that is right, bitches!

"Splendid! Let's go and have a ASSMUNCHING adventure! WEEEEEEEEEEE!!!"

"Well that was easy." Blue noted.

"Yep, if it wasn't; this shitfest wouldn't happen." Red then made a look.

"Dude?"

"What the fuck is that?"

"What? Oh, that's a semicolon."

"It's a creation of SATAN!!!" Red took out a chainsaw cannon gun gattler MK 9001 to take out the punctuation of Lucifer and Satan.

"You guys are retarded."

Nu uh!

"Am not!"

"Yes you are."

"No we're not."

"Yes you are."

No we're not.

"Yes you are."

"No we're not."

"Yes you are."

No we're not.

"Yes you are."

"No we're not."

"Yes you are."

No we're not.

"Yes you are."

"No we're not."

"Yes you are."

No we're n-

"Um, okay Blue, but I'm not sure why we have to go with you." Pink wondered. "And what is that voice?"

"Ehh, it started to follow Red around. Ignore it."

"Oh."

"Hey Stacy, wanna bone?" Red asked Stacy, a total party slut.

"Totally!" The two began to ravishingly make out, right before doing it in public.

"Alright, if it means not dealing with those two doing that, I'm fine with it."

"I'm pretty sure we are screwed in that department either way."

"WOAAAHHhhhhh... That's a new way of using that hole."

"Yeah, I've been practicing so hard, with your hard ON!"

"Oh baby!"

I wish I wasn't a voice, that's so hot.

"Hmmm..." A rough Japanese voice hummed.

"What is it, dude?" Red asked.

"I wilr join you, because this wilr be an amazing adventure that wilr be rearry fun as Helr!" The Raccoon agreed. Red jumped into the air with a feeling of success.

"Great, we're done!"

"What about me?" Trollzor asked.

"Sorry dude, you've been grounded."

"Oh ya." Trollzor replied with a Disappointed meme face.

"Jason, no taking to people outside!"

"Yes mam." Trollzor said as he closed the window to his apartment.

"What about Mr. Dingleberry?"

"Nah, he's old."

"Ehhh, it's true." Mr. Dingleberry replied, right before having a random heart attack.

"Anyone else?"

"Hmm... Nope!"

"Hey bros, what about me?" Broseph asked as he non-nonchalantly walked up to the two.

Red merely did a Super-Ultra-Epic-as-Fuck-Mega Groin Kick of Epic Proportions that Sterilizes People for Life Which Will Then be Short Thanks to Pain, the Prequel, and then performed Super-Ultra-Epic-as-Fuck-Mega Groin Kick of Epic Proportions that Sterilizes People for Life Which Will Then be Short Thanks to Pain on Broseph, who was in so much pain in his dick, his head and his head exploded into a firey explosion.

Broseph was dead.

Broseph Death Count: 1

"Cool."

"Not cool, he'll be back if there's a counter!"

"Dude, he dead; you killed him."

"Another mark of Satan!"

"Alright, we're all together! Shall we do this?" Red asked.

"Yeah, let's get our... whatever on!" Blue cheered on.

"Yeah, hit it Raccoon!"

"HAI!" The Raccoon pressed a button on his upgraded time travel machine and then...

"Wait, is it supposed to smoke up?" Pink asked.

"Oh yeah, I pooped on that thing over there."

The group looked on to see a turd on what Raccoon recognized as the interdimentional tether thing (An actual bungee cord.)

"Oooooh, shit." The Raccoon said as the group teleported to wherever they were now.

"Dude, where are we?" Stacy asked.

"I do not know, I wilr check. No more shitting on anything." The Raccoon said as he got out of the thing, and saw six colorful horses.

"Aww, it's a raccoon!" Fluttershy said.

"..."

"Are you okay?"

"...What the fuck?" The Raccoon yelled out.

"What!"

"Attention random planet, all your booze are belong to us!"

"And your deep-fried tacos!!! Especially your deep-fried tacos!!!"

"Shut up Eggman, you fat fuck!"

The group came out to see a spaceship fly in the sky, with the logo 'Starfox' on the side.

"Oh my God, you six are totarry fucked!" The Raccoon said.

"Shut up, you... you... Raccoon!"

"And this is how new stories begin for no reason." Pinkie said.

"Oh yes, this is how shit happens."

"We need to check that out girls."

"Hold on, ret me get my hapress crew." The Raccoon ran back to the ship he had teleported in.

"Come on out, we're in a sugary world of ponies."

"PONIES!!!" Lord Tourettes burst out. "I FUCKING love ponies!" The green stick figure ran out, and saw the ship, and ran towards it. The group came out one by one, and looked in awe at the awesome ship.

"Dude, that ship looks, like... dubstep cool." Broseph noted, somehow still alive.

Red walked up to a nearby shelf, and let it drop on top of the grey stick figure.

Broseph Death Count: 1.5

"Dude, I'm really hurt."

Red set the fallen shelf on fire.

Broseph Death Count: 2

"All done." Red said as he accidentally set off a misplaced M16.

-Half a mile away-

Lord Tirek looked on, and noticed a rather promising pony to steal magic from.

That is, if there wasn't a freak bullet to strike him in the head, killing him instantly.

Even worse, no one noticed at all.

"Dude, what you just said wasn't funny." Red noted as he stood by the ponies in front of the ship.

"What was that?" Twilight asked as she finally noticed the stick figures (and raccoon) by her.

"Some creepy narrator."

The ramp door lowered itself, and then something came out.

"WASSUP, BITCHES!!!" A hlue hedgehog yelled out as he introduced himself.

"Holy crap, that ship's awesome, but it could be more awesome." Red said.

"Oh yeah fuckface, how're you planning on doing that?"

"Oh trust me, I know, dude."

Just that moment, a though he had involved explosions, fire, lasers, and burritos, all at once.

"Wait, is that a porcupine?" The purple horse asked. "And what's that voice? I'm not a horse."

"Woah, just like us!"

"What?"

That's right!"

"AWW, no fucking way, your announcer is fucking awesome!" Sonic complained.

"Your name's Sonic? Dude, that's weird." Red said.

"Not as weird as Red."

"Fuck you, we need to challenge each othaaaaaaaa!!!"

"How?"

Hmm... I do not know.

How about a game of...

EXTREME BOOZE DRINKING MARATHON EXTRAVAGANZA!!!!!!!!!!!

"Extreme booze drinking marathon extravaganza! Now you're speaking my fucking language! To the bar!" Sonic then sped off, while Red floated away, hellbent on winning his game.

"W-W-Wait, Sonic!" Tail yelled out as he flew after Sonic, with Eggman and Earthworm Jim running down the stairs.

"HOH! HOH! Fuck me, I'm tired!" Eggman panted.

"You ran like, 20 feet, downhill." Earthworm Jim said.

"Great, another human." Twilight snarked out.

"And he seems kinda..."

"Fat?" Blue suggested to Rainbow Dash.

"Yeah."

"Hey, I'm big-boned, not fat!"

"No, you're fucking fat, dude."

"Go to Hell!"

"Hey, shouldn't we go after Sonic and Red?" Jim asked pretty much everyone.

"OH FUCK!!!" Blue ran as fucking fast as he can and-

"Okay, I want the deep voice narrating us!"

"Sonic, Red, booze!"

"FUCK!!!" Eggman ran off, with the rest joining the group.

This Prologue was Made in...

"Alright girls," Twilight said simply. "We have a problem."

"More like two problems." Rainbow Dash replied.

"We got a bunch of stick-like creatures, and a raccoon on one end, and a bunch of talking animals and a fat human on the other."

"Do a barrel roll!"

"Be quiet, frog-thing!" Rarity snapped.

"Woah there Rarity, what's up wit ya?" Applejack said with concern.

"I'm sorry, girls. It's... It's just the fact is simple, I almost died from part of a ritual, and Fluttershy getting a concussion... It's just been so stressful."

"I'm a frog!"

"Yes, yes you are." Twilight replied.

"So, what's the plan?" Pinkie Pie asked.

"Wait for them to leave, they came with technology that's still here, and I doubt that they'll listen to us."

"What about the voices from nowhere?" Rarity asked.

"I dunno." Twilight pondered.

I don't know either. Shit's fucking weird.

Hey, I'm supposed to be the narrator!

Shut the hell up, you are gay.

I will fuck your face.

Screw you.

A third voice is here, and you two are banished!!!

NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Carry on girls.

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"I'm on a planet!"

Shut up.

"Hello there!" Derpy said as she handed Rainbow Dash a letter, and gave a mock salute, then flew off.

"What does it say?" Twilight asked.

"The red one and the blue hedgehog are in jail."

"Why?"

"Public indecency."

"...What?"

"I dunno, let's go."

Dick Figures for Hire: The Only Crossover You'll See Here!

By Awesomedude17

I'm so fucked.