Ziltoid: The Omniscient Versus Equestria

by Tungsten Carbide

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Random, Crossover
Length: 962

When a trans-dimensional being declares war on Equestria... nothing will ever be the same again.

The Fourth Dimensional being: Ziltoid the Omniscient, comes to Equestria. There will be war. There will be blood and death. There will be hot coffee.

Written almost exclusively on my cell phone!

Based entirely on Devin Townsend's metal opera.

Thumbnail belongs to this guy.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2014-06-30 16:00:02 UTC

Zto (By Your Command)

It was a perfect autumn day in Canterlot. The air was cool and the sun hung lazily in the afternoon sky. Twilight Sparkle, Fluttershy, Applejack, Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash, and the other one were setting up for a picnic in the royal gardens. The smell of cinnamon, apples, and cinnamon-covered apples filled the air.

All was peaceful, until the sky darkened. Not, like, all the way dark, but it was still pretty dark. Like, instead of it being early in the afternoon, it was like it was later in the afternoon.

Twilight Sparkle shot from her seat in the soil. "Girls, something is wrong!"

Just then, an otherworldly, ground-shaking voice rang out across Canterlot. It sang out: "Ziltoid The Omniscient!"

All heads turned to the sky. A fleet of silver ships loomed high in the sky, the sheer size of them blocking the sun, mostly. Giant flags hung from the largest and front-most facing ship; on them were printed giant orange Zs.

From this ship a smaller ship departed and headed straight for the gardens. When it came to be about a mile above the ground, it stopped. It hovered for a moment, until an even smaller ship left that one, landed in an empty field, and opened its only visible door. A large crowd began to gather around the site of the landing.

From this ship rolled a great red carpet, many hundreds of feet in length. When it reached its end, a couple of two-legged creatures emerged from the ship. They were fairly tall, measuring the height of three ponies standing on top of each other and then cutting one completely in half. They wore silver armor that hid most of their skin save for their legs and arms... and also bodies... but not their heads, those had armor. They hurriedly placed a pulpit at the end of the carpet and wordlessly ran back inside.

Yet another being left the small ship. He was much taller than the other ones, by the other half of that pony. He was clothed in large red robes and, over that, a large red cape, secured to the robes by a medium gold chain. His face was by far the most prominent feature of this invader. It resembled a worm with snake fangs, hair, and very large eyes.

As he approached the pulpit, the loud screech of a microphone feeding back pierced the air.

"Holy me, that was loud," this strange being exclaimed. "Who is in charge of the sound board?"

One of the smaller aliens ran out to him. He saluted. "Capitain Ziltoid, Carl is working the board, sir."

"When this is all over, I want him executed!"

He nodded, then promptly ran back into the ship.

After clearing his throat he spoke.

"Greetings, ponies. I am Ziltoid the Omniscient. And I have come far, from across the Omniverse." He forcefully pointed to the sky at his armada of spacecraft. After sufficient time had passed, he put his arm down. He then pointed at the nearest royal guard, who was cowering behind a rock.

"You shall fetch me your universe's ultimate..." he paused. The royal guard attempted  to speak but was interrupted. "Cup of coffee, black. You have five Earth—ahem—Equestrian minutes. Make it perfect!"

Ziltoid glanced at his Casio® calculator/watch and noted that the five minutes had ended.

"Commander." One of the other aliens sitting at the helm of the smallest-of-the-ships ship rose and marched to his master.

"Yes, Captain Ziltoid?"

"Have the ponies delivered their ultimate cup of coffee?"

"They are waiting outside with it, sir."

"Good." He rose from his throne.

This particular throne was smaller than his usual throne, so as to fit in this smaller craft. And yes, before you ask, there were larger thrones in its predecessors.

Outside he was greeted by the smiling faces of the princesses of this world.

"Welcome friend to the magical land of Equestria." Princess Celestia bowed her head to Ziltoid as a sign of goodwill, a gesture that would go unnoticed.

"Where is my coffee?" Ziltoid demanded.

Princess Luna rolled her eyes and horn began to glow. After some time a Styrofoam cup with a black lid materialized in front of Ziltoid.

His eyes widened and his mouth hung agape.

Twilight chuckled. "Have you never seen magic before?"

He closed his mouth ,and his eyes returned to their previous state of wide... ness... wideness, and he scoffed "Why, of course I have. Ha ha, for I am Ziltoid the Omniscient! I am so omniscient, that if there were to be two omnisciences, I would be both."

Luna again rolled her eyes and gave only a curt "whatever" as a response.

He brought the cup to his mouth, took a sip, and swallowed. The coffee was strong; sweet and creamy, strongly flavored with vanilla and hazelnut. An inquisitive inspection of the cup showed that this had come from a place called Sugar Cube Corner Bakery.  He slowly opened the lid and looked inside. The sepia-colored liquid was a sure sign that this was indeed not black coffee.

"Hmm..." he hummed, still looking inside the cup.

Cadance giggled. "Isn't it good? The shop is in Ponyvi–"

"Fetid!" He shouted as he threw the mostly full cup at the princess of love. Her body was scalded by the very hot liquid.

"How dare you present... this... to me!" He turned and began walking to his pulpit. He shouted into his microphone. "Prepare the attack!"

"Wait, what?" Princess Twilight exclaimed. "What did we ever do to you?"

She would receive no response. His small ships had all returned from whence they came.

Princess Celestia stood and... blah blah blah the Elements of Harmony. You will see what happens in the next chapter.