"Does This Chapter Title Make My Butt Look Fat?"
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Twilight's Communist Ponyfesto
"Does This Chapter Title Make My Butt Look Fat?"
Living in Equestria's only hippie commune was a tough job. Especially when you're the princess of said hippie commune.
Twilight Sparkle's life was weird. At first she was sent to Ponyville to advance her studies and make friends, which she did.
Then, all the sudden, one of her friends had an outburst and converted all of her friends to marijuana smoking, inbred hippies. They even lost their G rating and were moved to Adult Swim. If you asked Twilight, she would have preferred staying in her G rated bubble. She preferred being studious rather than being lazy and spending all day smoking marijuana.
Despite Twilight's concerns, and the laws forbidding lack of smoking (ponies were frequently drug tested to make sure they were positive) everything remained the same, although Twilight usually didn't smoke and bought pee off the black market for the test. She would not become a lazy slob in order to fit in with her crowd. She'd rather move to Canterlot before conforming to the new societies rules.
If she had it her way, Ponyville would belong to her. She could make the rules. Despite being princess of the commune, she had no say in the rules, that was Fluttershy's job. She frequently read books on dictators like Kim Hay Un and Atrout Hitler. She aspired to be just like them, ruling over their subjects with force and assertion. Strict rules would be followed, and society would be at piece. She preferred a certain type of government that she had read about, communism, in the Communist Ponyfesto.
Reading a book called How To Overthrow A Government, Twilight sat on her bed, her horn lit to hover the book within her vision. Spike was gone at the dispensary, getting more ganja.
"Use force and make your power known," Twilight read aloud, chewing a hayburger.
"Make ponies tremble in fear of your presence. Don't be afraid to slay those who defy your power," Twilight swallowed a bite of hayburger. Amazing, she thought to herself.
Just how was she going to overthrow the hippie commune, established by leader Fluttershy?
It was the monthly marijuana testing in Ponyville, and Twilight hadn't gotten her pee in the mail yet. Shit.
If she was to show up clean, she would be shot on site. That's what happened to anybody who dared be sober in the commune. Last month, Twilight remembers, a pregnant mother mare who didn't want the drug to hurt her unborn baby was shot in public, holding her baby bump in fear. When she hit the ground, dead, baby included, Twilight felt nothing. This was a normal part of living in the commune, nowadays.
Another downside to the hippie commune, nobody had regular jobs anymore, and the town made money off of their marijuana dispensaries, so everypony in town got money from their parents. It was also custom to live in your parents basement all your life. Ponies who had no money for weed were also executed.
So what was Twilight going to do to avoid being executed was what she wondered, while waiting in line for the mandatory piss test. She could smoke a lot of weed really fast, but that went against what she believed in. Or she could use a spell to infuse her pee with druggie piss.
Or she could overthrow the government.
Everypony was already in the center of the town, waiting to be tested. This would be the perfect time to do it. Nobody would expect it, and she could use the gun used to kill sober ponies to kill refusers to her regime.
Twilight Sparkle was going to be a communistic dictator, whether anypony liked it or not.
When it was her turn to get her pee tested, instead of going back into the room to pee into a cup, she stood proud and tall, casting a spell to make her voice echo and boom over the crowd. She used her magic to raise her upward into the sky, above all the ponies in the commune.
"ATTENTION, MEMBERS OF THE PONYVILLE MARIJUANA HIPPIE COMMUNE," Twilight boomed, and the crowd murmured. She cast a silence spell on all of them.
"WE HAVE ALL LONGED FOR CHANGE, WE HAVE ALL LONGED FOR A RULER THAT ISN'T GETTING HIGH OFF OF MARIJUANA WHILE WE ALL SUFFER, NOT IN PAIN BECAUSE OF THE MEDICINAL PROPERTIES OF MARIJUANA, BUT BECAUSE OF THE REGIME CULT LEADER FLUTTERSHY HAS PUT IN PLACE. DO YOU NOT REMEMBER LAST MONTH WHEN THE MOTHER AND BABY WAS SHOT FOR NOT SMOKING MARIJUANA? IS THAT REALLY THE KIND OF WORLD WE WANT TO LIVE IN?"
Although silent, ponies nodded their heads in agreement. The pregnant mare's execution had been the tipping point for many, and some had already escaped the hippie commune.
"I HEREBY DECLARE PONYVILLE TWILIGHTVILLE, AND MYSELF THE DICTATOR OF SAID TOWN. ANYBODY WHO DEFYS ME WILL HAVE TO STAND UP TO THE ROYAL GUARD," Twilight then put many male, hunky ponies in armor and armed them with rifles.
Fluttershy appeared out of house, a blunt in hand and eyes blood red.
"What's up with this, man?" Were her last words before Twilight's royal guard shot her multiple times first in the hooves, then in the butthole, then in the brain.
"ANYPONY ELSE DARE DEFY ME?"
Silence.
Later that week, Twilight published her book: The New Pony Government, entailing all the rules of Twilightville life. Any rule broken would result in either suspension (torture) or expulsion (death).
The rules consisted, roughly, of 10 basic commandments:
- ANYPONY WHO DEFYS QUEEN TWILIGHT SPARKLE WILL BE SHOT ON SITE.
- CLASSES FOR UNICORNS ON MAGIC ARE MANDATORY.
- PEGASAI AND EARTH PONIES MUST NOT DEFY THE WILL OF A UNICORN, ESPECIALLY QUEEN TWILIGHT SPARKLE.
- PEGASAI AND EARTH PONIES WHO DEFY THE WILL OF A UNICORN MUST BE REPORTED TO THE ROYAL COUNCIL, AND WILL BE SENT TO INTERVENTION CAMPS FOR CORRECTION. ANY DEATH OR PHYSICAL OR MENTAL TRAUMA SUSTAINED IN SAID CAMPS IS AT THE EXPENSE OF THE PONY'S FAMILY.
- CURFEW IS AT 7:00 SHARP, DAILY SCHEDULES OF STUDYING AND CLASS TIME WILL BE HANDED OUT TO EACH FAMILY.
- FOR WORKING UNICORNS, YOU WILL BE ASSIGNED A JOB BASED ON MAGICAL ABILITY. JOBS INCLUDE FORCE FIELD BARER, ROYAL GUARD, MEMBER OF THE ROYAL COUNCIL, QUEEN TWILIGHT'S PERSONAL TOE LICKER, ETC.
- ALTHOUGH NOT AS SUPERIOR AS A UNICORN, PEGASAI ARE CONSIDERED HIGHER CLASS THAN EARTH PONIES. EARTH PONIES MUST GROW CROPS FOR EVERYPONY ELSE. A SET AMOUNT OF FOOD MUST BE GROWN, IF LESS THAN NEEDED DURING COLLECTION OF GOODS THE ENTIRE FAMILY WILL BE SENT TO A CORRECTION CAMP. PEGASAI ARE ASSIGNED TO THE WEATHER AND SOMETIMES ROYAL GUARD JOBS.
- DISABLED OR OTHERWISE INCAPABLE OF WORK OR EDUCATION, WILL BE SENT TO CORRECTION CAMPS.
- IF ANYPONY IS FOUND WITH MARIJUANA, YOU WILL BE CHARGED WITH DEFYING TWILIGHT SPARKLE.
- ANY SPEAK OF THE COMMUNE OR LATE CULT LEADER FLUTTERSHY WILL BE CHARGED WITH SUSPENSION, OR IF PERSISTED, EXPULSION.
Twilight Sparkle got the dictatorship she wanted, and Ponyville was officially under her control. Hopefully it stays that way.
Author's Note
i think this might qualify as a crackfic.
