How to Pick up Mares: A reference Guide

by Belgerum

Rating: teen
Tags: Romance
Length: 2722

A series of tips and tricks on how to make any mare you want become unable to resist you! Learn secrets of love from the princesses themselves, as they spill the beans on romance's biggest secrets!

A fictional mock-article written as if to be one from a pony magazine.

A series of tips and tricks on how to make any mare you want become unable to resist you! Learn secrets of love from the princesses themselves, as they spill the beans on romance's biggest secrets!Guaranteed to work, anypony, stallion or mare, who reads these vital insights will find it easier than ever to snag themselves a lover.

"This book saved my life. Without it, I would never have found my lovely little candybutt!" - Lyra Heartstrings

"After looking through the book's contents, I can confirm this is the real deal. These methods are exactly how my husband won my heart, and now we're happily married, so I'm glad he used them." - Mrs. Cup Cake

"[This book worked for me.] Eeyup." - Big Macintosh

Originally written for Twilight Sparkle's Secret Shipfic Folder Fanfic And Fanart Contest, then left unfinished when I realized it wouldn't make the deadline.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2014-07-01 04:30:01 UTC

Click here to see what's getting all the mares swooning!

Welcome, my dear pony, to the world of mares. No matter if you've never loved another pony before, or if you are just curious to see if this book might help you in daily endeavors, this book is designed to give you the information you need to draw attention from, impress, and successfully infatuate any mare you might set your sights on.

No matter who you are, or what lovely piece of flank you desire, these tips, given by the princesses themselves, will make it easy to find your way their heart for however long you desire.

As the compiler of such wonderful secrets, I, Juicy Scoop, took the time to sit down and talk with each of the Princesses about their love lives, how they were made, and what they, as mares, love to see in their mates. To keep everything fair, each princess' advice has been simplified into 5 short tips, each clarified and described by royalty's own words.

To begin, we will start with the account of the princess of love, Princess Cadence. Having lived happily in the Crystal Empire for some years, she is widely known as a romantic, devoted wife who has loved her husband for years.

So, of course, we asked exactly how her husband had won her affections, and what she loves to see in a stallion. Here is her answer.

Cadence Tip #1: Be confident, interested, and give her your attention.

Many ponies know Shining Armor, my husband, as the former captain of the Canterlot Guard. One of my first encounters with him was before he had such a rank, when he was merely a recruit. If he had just fallen in line with the rest of his peers, fearful in my presence, I wouldn't even know his name today. When he asked my name, and struck up a conversation with me afterwards, I knew he wasn't like the other stallions right away.

Every time he would talk with me before we got together, I also noticed that he liked to look into my eyes, giving me his full attention at every moment. While some might say that if you play it "cool," mares will like you more, I guarantee that they will enjoy your presence all the better if you listen well to their words, and treat them like exactly what they are, the apple of their eye, and the target of their affections. It makes the mare feel special, and is a good way to start a bud of romance.

Cadence Tip #2: Be honest, open, and approachable.

If at all possible, try to avoid hiding things from your chosen mare. If you do get somewhere with your relationship, and then she finds out about some secret you've kept, it makes you seem untrustworthy and suspicious. Instead, It is wiser to tell her things yourself when she asks, and let her know who she's getting with. Even if it's embarrassing or frightening, a secret kept for longer only makes the inevitable moment of discovery worse.

In addition, it helps to build her trust if you make yourself approachable, and spend time helping her even in times where she is depressed, angry, or sad. Instead of leaving her to her own feelings, try to comfort her, and make sure she does nothing she will regret. Even though the situation for her might have nothing to do with you, being there for her only makes a further statement that you care, and that she can trust you with her love when it comes.

Cadence Tip #3: Don't be hasty or rush to make her love you.

Chances are, the mare you seek out isn't going to fall for you immediately. Situations where love at first sight occurs are few and far between, and rarely are what they seem. Love is a form of trust and friendship, brought up to the highest level. That isn't something that you can build with somepony in one night, if you're looking for a lasting, meaningful relationship. Even if you're only looking for a one night fling, it takes time for a mare to deduce you are safe to be around, and will treat her like she deserves.

So as a result, don't use a proposal as the starting point of your relationship. Get to know the mare a little bit by talking with her about things you might have in common, playing a game, or doing something fun together. The more time you spend with the mare before asking about love or romance, the more likely she is to trust you and return your gestures.

Cadence Tip #4: Never treat a mare like she is just a tool for your own means.

While some like to share differing opinions on the subject, mares are intelligent, fun-loving, and emotional just like you are. When you ask for a mare to become your partner, be it for life, or for only a night, you are proposing a motion that should be mutually agreeable. The moment where the love is nonconsensual on her part, the matter becomes delicate, and you might even be performing a crime. I will never endorse a one-sided love where one pony feels uncomfortable or used.

Thus, you should never, under any circumstance, treat a mare like a tool to get something. The mare is your partner, not an object you can come to possess, or a goal you can achieve. The moment she senses that you are treating her like such, you will sink much lower in her eyes, perhaps to a point where you can never recover.

Cadence Tip #5: Be yourself, no matter who that is.

As much as one might try to prove it, there is no sure-fire way to win a mare's heart, as everypony is different, and have their own preferences. As if to make things even more complicated, some mares might not even know they like something in a pony until it is thrust right in front of them. The love game is infinitely complex, with so many outcomes, I can never hope to know what to do in any given situation.

But this is where you come in. Just like the mare, you are special in your own way. You have strengths which you can show off, special talents you can use to your advantage when interacting with a mare, even if it might be just knowledge about a topic she's interested in. When you go out to find a mare who will love you, it will be all the more genuine and enjoyable if it's for who you truly are.

True, you also have flaws, and eventually, they might have to come to light, but you can use this to your advantage as well. While it might seem awkward or unmasculine to some, admitting something personal about yourself at the right time can be shown as a sign of trust to build a relationship. Maybe she'll tell you some of her own flaws. If she does, listen to her, and appreciate her honesty. She's opening herself up to you, and even if it hasn't become love yet, it will help a lot down the road if she knows you well, and you, her.

In conclusion, you should always be yourself. If you are going to find a match with a mare, don't cast a fake image of yourself, thinking it will increase your chances. By being phony, you might actually turn a mare away! Your chances are much greater if you remain genuine, and you can build a special trust from simply finding a true match with the real, irreplaceable you.

And thus ends Princess Cadence's love tips.

Next up, we have the newly-established Princess Twilight Sparkle.

Twilight Sparkle is well-known for her studies and breakthroughs into the magic of friendship, but few know that she also knows plenty about love as well. She's received a number of high-class suitors after her new princesshood, and though she has turned down each one, she seems to have developed a good sense of how love works, and with her permission, we will proceed to tell you the tips she gave us about how to woo mares like her.

Twilight Sparkle Tip #1:Small gestures count.

From the earliest form of friendship to the deepest love, nothing is more important than the little details of each meeting. From sharing a cookie to writing a nice letter, small gestures can go a long way in a relationship towards showing the mare that you care for her, especially when they begin to add up over time.

It doesn't have to be gifts either, you can also help her study for a tough exam, defend her in an argument, or do other things that might win her affection.

But yeah, be sure to give her plenty of little gifts. Mares love them.

Twilight Sparkle Tip #2: Be mindful of other ponies.

There is a time and a place for all romantic gestures, but just as well, there are times where you just shouldn't do them, especially if others might think the partner you've chosen is wrong, taboo, or just plain weird. For instance, kissing a pony romantically in the middle of town square isn't the best idea if you aren't sure how they will react. This has gotten many ponies into trouble, at least in ponyville.

The other thing is to know who you're asking out before you do it. If you're picking a mare that you know other stallions are interested in, you might be in for a rough time, especially if that pony has skills you don't, magic you might never have heard of, and higher social standing. If a mare looks like she might be claimed, stay away.

For example, you might want to stay away from any princesses, who have admirers that might get a teensy bit mad at you.

Twilight Sparkle Tip #3: Appearance is everything.

Some ponies might tell you that your appearance doesn't matter for love, and that if you try hard enough, you can love anypony no matter who you are. This is not true. While love does come from the heart, regardless of who you are, your physical appearance most certainly does matter in a relationship. If you can't manage to make yourself look good, you aren't trying hard enough, and if you can't bother to at least maintain a nice look and style, you will fall flat in your advances. Mares appreciate the effort you put into looking your best, so show them your true colors and make sure you look good before you go out looking for love.

Twilight Sparkle Tip #4: Love can happen anywhere, anytime, and to anypony.

What might seem to be the beauty of love can also seem to be a curse at times. While you're out searching for a mare, you might find plenty who you'll get along with, but try to remain mindful that mares might fall in love with you. She might be the ugly one who seems like a creeper at first, or a tsundere who looks down on you, but many mares have specific ways of telling you they like you, and you should watch out for these, as your actions regarding a mare in love can make a wonderful relationship, or earn their vengeful wrath if you're not careful.

Twilight Sparkle Tip #5: Give her everything she wants.

Seriously. If she asks you for something, don't waste time, and just get it for her. If you want to win a mare's heart, then denying her what she wants will shut the doors very quickly. It might cost you bits, your dignity, or any number of things, but your chosen mare has spoken and you must serve. This might seem unfair, but always remember, you are the one that wanted a relationship, and she's the one granting you that privilege. In return, she deserves your willingness in any pursuit, big or small.

While the information from Princess Twilight might seem strange, we will remind you that she is a princess, and the world's leading expert of friendship and it's magical properties. You should probably listen to her.

Moving on, we address the love tips granted to us by the ruler of the night, Princess Luna.

[The material derived from Princess Luna's interview has been redacted. Allegedly, the princess did not know the content of our conversation were to be published, and wished that it be taken out for personal reasons. We apologize for the now-missing content.]

And now, finally, we reach the love tips given to us by Equestria's greatest ruler, Princess Celestia, who raises the sun each day, and has ruled her subjects in prosperity.

With centuries of experience in romantic life, Equestria's oldest, wisest pony will now give her ultimate secrets to ensnaring any mare's love.

Celestia Tip #1: Get that mare some hay.

Fillies love hay.

Seriously. There is not a single mare in existence who doesn't eat. If you buy a mare a good meal, you will get their attention, even if it's just a first step.

Celestia Tip #2: Never use actual candles for a romantic dinner.

Nothing ruins a romantic moment like when your date realizes he's accidentally let his hat catch fire while leaning in for a kiss, and panics, ruining what might be the most famous historical headwear ever in an attempt to extinguish the flames, and leaving his mare hanging for a night.

Celestia Tip #3: Write often.

Mares will love hearing how much you think about them, and about what is going on in your life. They might learn important lessons from just your writing, keep in touch with you, and at the same time, have plenty of momentos to remind them of you when they're alone at night.

Celestia Tip #4: Don't get angry or impatient if she's teasing you.

When a mare does what nowadays might be called "trolling," do not get upset at their behavior. If a mare is teasing you, it's usually just a way that mare shows that they like you. If you actually get angry at their act, you run the risk of hurting their feelings, and taking away that playful, loving side that many mares have. If you really dislike their teasing so much that you cannot deal with it, simply tell them that it's making you uncomfortable, and ask if they can stop. If you act serious enough, they will usually oblige.

However, if the teasing is harmless enough, and you can take it in good humor, let them do as they like. Maybe even tease her back. Then she'll start wanting you.

Celestia Tip #5: Keep your goals realistic, and don't be put down by a rejection.

You should always consider the situation for the mare you're romancing, and know when it's time to move on to another. If you learn that a mare has a husband who would be very angry if she cheated on him, then don't approach her, and avoid the sticky situation that might follow. If she's a newly crowned alicorn princess, consider other options first, before you get into a relationship that just might end up with you stuck on the moon for a few centuries.

Along with knowing who not to start something with, always recognize a mare that isn't interested, or doesn't want your company. For many, immediate romantic advances are not the best approach, as they might prefer a slow developing friendship that becomes something more with time.

If worst comes to worst, and a mare dumps you indefinitely, just let her go. If she doesn't think she can be happy with you, then don't force the issue. Perhaps you can find a better match elsewhere. There are plenty of fish in the sea, and plenty of mares to go around. I should know. I've seduced thousands.

And there you have it, potential lovers! The ultimate tips and tricks in the romantic world laid bare by the most respected and powerful beings in Equestria! Take their words to heart, and now, no mare will be able to resist you! Now get out there, find a lucky mare, and make her yours!