The Talk of Talks

by JTHailstorm

Rating: teen
Tags: Applejack, Apple Bloom, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Original Character, Slice of Life, Sex
Length: 2191

Have you ever had the talk with a kid? It should be the same with fillies and colts, only this is the talk that was given to Apple Bloom.

One day Apple Bloom decides she wants to ask her sister about certain things pertaining to "the Birds and the Bees". This takes Applejack by surprise but she sits down with Apple Bloom to have the Talk. Feeling uncomfortable she calls in a favor from a peculiar stallion, whom she saved. Anyways it's their tag team explanation of "The Birds and The Bees".

It should be as easy as pie...right?

All inspired by one of my random tweets about how I would suck at giving the talk to a kid. So ultimately this is how I would give the talk...minus AJ.

Published 2014-06-30 04:10:06 UTC
Last updated 2014-06-30 04:10:06 UTC

Somethin' about Birds and Bees

It was a normal day, a little bit on the warm side but nothing too uncomfortable. The birds were chirping, the squirrels did whatever squirrels did, ponies did whatever they did for a living, the school fillies and colts were getting off of school, and Rainbow Dash chilled in the clouds. Everything seemed normal but there was one thing out of place and that was the utter confusion on Apple Bloom’s face as she made her way home. Something was bothering her; it could be that something was off in her studies or the fact that she was still a blank flank. Anyways as she arrived home, where she was greeted by her sister who had just finished up a chore she was working on.

“Hey there lil sis, how was school?” Applejack asked.

“It was fine.” Apple Bloom said. She looked away from her sister then kicked at the ground. Applejack then knew something was wrong.

“Now what’s up lil filly?” Applejack asked.

“Applejack, can Ah ask ya somethin’?” Apple Bloom asked.

“Sure, ya can ask me anythin’.” Applejack said.

“Can we talk in private?” Apple Bloom asked.

“Uh sure.” Applejack replied. Something was up and she wanted to get to the bottom of it. What has her sister so riled up that she wants to talk in private. She went through several scenarios going from bullying to other insecurities.

Apple Bloom led her sister to the Cutie Mark Crusader clubhouse and they walked in. She threw her saddlebag on the ground then she sat down. Applejack wanting to comfort her sister through whatever it is sat next to her.

“So what’s on yer mind?” Applejack asked.

“Well uh…earlier today…well um…during recess some fillies were talkin’ ‘bout somethin’ an’ Ah was wonderin’ if ya could explain it to me.” Apple Bloom said.

“Somethin’ is up an’ Ah don’t like the feelin’ Ah’m gettin’ about this.” Applejack thought to herself. She’s putting things together in her head and crossing things off in her head. “Go ahead an’ shoot away.” She said.

“Well…yer an older pony an’ ya have more life experience...” Apple Bloom said. She had to find a way to get out what she wanted to say but the words weren’t coming out. “Come on Apple Bloom, say it.” She scolded herself. It was now or never she convinced herself. “What is sex?”

“Uh…well ya see.” Applejack said in shock. Her face got red as she searched for the words. She knew that eventually the day would come when she would have to have the talk with Apple Bloom. “How do Ah do this?” All of her thoughts kept coming to this young stallion she knew, who was wise beyond his years, and quite frankly the most annoying pony she’s had the privilege to meet.

“Um Applejack?” Apple Bloom asked.

“Huh? Well, sex is when a stallion and a mare…well ya know what? Ah have a better idea, let’s go talk to Uncle Tex.” Applejack said. Then there was a knock at the door and in rushed a cream colored unicorn with a dark purple colored mane.

“I heard my name.” Tex said.

“Yes ya did.” Applejack said. Tex blushed as the mare he so loved acknowledged him.

“What does Uncle Tex have to do with the subject?” Apple Bloom asked. The confusion on her face was obvious.

“What subject? Math? Science? Foreign Languages? Theoretical Physics? Human Sciences?” Tex asked. His blue eyes lightened up as he smiled. It was a win for him no matter the subject.

“Well ya could say it’s a science, biology as a matter of fact.” Applejack said.

“What is it? Mitosis? Photosynthesis? Genetics? Evolution?” Tex asked. Applejack winked at Tex, then it made sense as he finally got it. “Wait a sec, you don’t mean?”

“Eeyup.” Applejack said.

“Do I have to?” Tex asked.

“Well ya do owe me several favors.” Applejack said.

“Raincheck?” Tex asked.

“Ah could have Twi, send ya back through that fancy portal of yers an’ we’ll call it even.” Applejack suggested.

“Fine.” Tex said. He took a seat next to Apple Bloom. “So the talk.”

“What?” Apple Bloom asked.

“Never mind, you want to know about sex. Well first off let me start off by telling you this, because of the matter I will promise to you that I won’t tell anypony about this conversation. The only pony who will know about this conversation, and she’ll probably use it against me one of these days, will be your sister. So are you ready for this discussion?” Tex asked.

“Uh…yeah Ah guess.” Apple Bloom said.

“Without further ado, here’s Uncle Tex’s explanation on the wonders of life.” Tex said. Applejack had a hoof-to-face moment as Tex started off.

“Ah should’ve done this mahself.” Applejack thought to herself. Then Tex poofed up a blackboard and started drawing several pictures.

“Stallions and mares are different, in way of thinking and anatomically. Per example: Just look at me and your sister, we are different in several ways but yet we are still ponies.” Tex said.

“Well technically yer…” Applejack said.

“For the sake of this lesson we shall forget what wonders got me here.” Tex said.

“Ah shoulda called the other fella.” Applejack said.

“He probably would’ve only showed pornography.” Tex said. Applejack thought about it for a while then nodded.

“Yer right…carry on.” Applejack said.

“Pornography?” Apple Bloom asked.

“We’ll get to that later on in the lesson.” Tex said.

“Jus’ git on with it.” Applejack said.

“Oh yeah…so yeah anatomy.” Tex said. He went into detail about several anatomical differences as well as different functions each body part had. Applejack had to resist the urge to cover her sister’s ears but she had to let her learn from somepony other than a colt who is going to take advantage of her or something like that.

“How much longer is this gonna be?” Applejack asked.

“Well I’d say a little bit, I’m going to talk about the purpose of procreation and coitus, and then we should be done.” Tex said.

“Well ‘kay if it won’t go on much longer.” Applejack said.

“Okay so ponies procreate, which is the process of…” Tex explained. He went into an hour lecture on procreation and coitus. It was an hour because he tried to get Applejack to tell some stories but all attempts failed and he got a black eye from that conversation.

Apple Bloom looked at Tex with such confusion, all of this information and the emotionlessness of science. She couldn’t take anymore so her hoof shot up and she hoped he’d answer a question.

“Can Ah ask ya a question?” Apple Bloom asked.

“Sure. Fire away.” Tex said.

“Does love have anything to do with this?” Apple Bloom asked.

“Yes it does.” Tex said.

“Ah’ll take it from here.” Applejack said.

“Go ahead.” Tex said.

“Apple Bloom, all of this fancy science stuff is informative an’ all…an’ Ah guess Ah should’ve explained it to ya mahself but there is a difference between sex an’ love.” Applejack said. She got up and sat next to Tex.

“What’s the difference?” Apple Bloom asked.

“Can I?” Tex asked. Applejack nodded and Tex sighed. “Sex is just the primal action of ponies to procreate. There can be some trace of love, or as some professionals would call it infatuation. However if two ponies truly love each other they’d wait until the time was right…when they both are ready. Sex is a powerful thing and shouldn’t be taken lightly.”

“It has several emotions that go into it as well.” Applejack said.

“Sex does not define love, however love can define sex. It’s one of those things that can go one way but not the other.” Tex said.

“Is there a right time and wrong time?” Apple Bloom asked.

“Well out in front of everyone is a bad time.” Tex said. Applejack lightly hit him as if to knock sense into the crazy Tex.

“That is a bad time but if Ah’m understandin’ correctly yer question is based on readiness. Am Ah right?” Applejack asked.

“Yeah.” Apple Bloom said.

“The right time is when ya find that special somepony, who ya can’t imagine life without an’ the one who treasures ya more than anythin’.” Applejack said.

“It will happen when it happens and it’ll be with your forever partner, your very special somepony. Not just somepony who wants a booty call.” Tex said.

“Ah think what he’s gettin’ at is ya should wait until yer married.” Applejack said.

“Or when you have a non-negotiable agreement written on paper that you shall procreate with a certain pony.” Tex said.

“Shut up Tex.” Applejack said.

“Okay.” Tex said.

“Anyways, yer gonna have some time bef’re that time comes.” Applejack said.

“Just enjoy being a filly. Cause honestly it sucks being an adult sometimes.” Tex said.

“Sex is an adult decision, and if ya make it then y’all better be prepared for the consequences that may arise because of it.” Applejack said.

“Behind all of the glamorization of coitus, there are dire consequences. Sexual transmitted diseases, regret, remorse, and in some cases pregnancy.” Tex said.

“Why is havin’ babies a bad thing?” Apple Bloom asked.

“Can I give a guy’s perspective?” Tex asked.

“Don’cha mean the wrong perspective?” Applejack asked.

“Yes…” Tex said.

“Go ahead.” Applejack said.

“Well when a stallion seduces a mare into havin’ a good time with him and then a relationship tanks because of a few things or simply it’s a one-night stand. Then a pregnancy is mentioned and then in most cases the stallion will high-tail it out of there or in some cases remain with the mare only to be constantly fighting and causing troubled fillies and colts who in turn do that and continue a cycle. Ultimately pregnancy is both a blessing and curse. It can be a curse if it isn’t planned or there is simply no love there.” Tex explained.

“As we emphasize it’s best to wait until ya settle down with somepony special.” Applejack said.

“Unless the stallion is impotent.” Tex said under his breath.

“Anyways, thank you Tex fer helpin’ me explain this touchy subject to mah lil sister.” Applejack said.

“Is there anything else I can assist with?” Tex asked.

“Naw, we’re good?” Applejack said.

“So do you two, well you know?” Apple Bloom asked.

“No.” Tex said.

“You two fight like ya did it or somethin’ like that.” Apple Bloom said.

“We have not done anything like that.” Applejack said.

“Wait a second…you couldn’t have possibly know all of these other terms for sex, unless…you just wanted to see how we’d answer the question.” Tex said.

“Yup, Ah originally jus’ wanted ta see what mah sis would say but when she dragged you into this, it was both funny and informative.” Apple Bloom said.

“Then the way you acted was just acting?” Applejack asked.

“Yeah, we had the sex ed stuff a while back. What surprised me was that former human boy knew all of those terms.” Apple Bloom said.

“Uh…I was a student once.” Tex said.

“Didn’t y’all say ya were trainin’ ta be a cop or somethin’ like that?” Applejack asked.

“Yeah…I had to take a life science class to fulfill a requirement for my degree that I have yet to get.” Tex explained.

“Do you have to have a degree to be a cop in your world?” Applejack asked.

“No but I just wanted to go back to school.” Tex said.

“So you jus’ threw money away fer a degree yer not going to git now. Sometimes Ah question ya Tex.” Applejack said.

“Anyways, you two answered mah question pretty good. There were some things Ah could’ve gone without…especially the part about mah sister.” Apple Bloom said.

“Yeah what was that all about?” Applejack asked.

“Uh…nothing. I’m going to go now.” Tex said.

“Ya ain’t off of the hook on that question.” Applejack said.

“Before I go.” Tex said. He grabbed Applejack’s hat and teleported away.

“That little…” Applejack said. Then she just shook her head as she remembered that hat was the reason they met and not that atrocity of the battle arena.

“So do ya love him?” Apple Bloom asked.

“Apple Bloom, he’s a special case.” Applejack said.

“Meanin’?” Apple Bloom asked.

“Ah’ll tell ya after supper.” Applejack said.

“Really?” Apple Bloom asked.

“Really. Now come along lil filly, let’s go.” Applejack said. As they walked out of the clubhouse Applejack looked back and Tex’s blackboard was still there. Then all of the chalk lines turned into a phrase saying, Will you go out with me? Applejack smiled then muttered, “In yer dreams.”

Author's Note

Eh there are some references from a fanfic that I'm working on and hopefully will be done with. Also this is no reflection on a talk that I would give a child. So yeah...if you are wondering about Tex, it's my nickname and he will be explained a little bit more in another fanfic.

So I hope you enjoyed and yeah go ahead and rate and leave a comment if you'd like.