Friday Night Twilight IIby BlazzingInfernoChaptersDaring Don’t, Flight to the Finish, and Pony ResemblancesPower Ponies, Bats, and LoyaltyRainbow Falls, Three’s A Crowd, and RivalriesMaud Pie, For Whom the Sweetie Belle Toils, and New FoodsInspiration Manifestation, Equestria Games, and Preparedness Twilight’s Kingdom and RegretsThe Final ClichéFriday, Night, and TwilightDaring Don’t, Flight to the Finish, and Pony ResemblancesSometimes I wonder why I’m doing this, why I’m setting out a bowl full of apples and several bottles of soda on my coffee table. I’d like to say there’s more I could be doing with my life, but I really can’t. I go to college, once in a while anyway, and I have a part time job. That sums up my day to day life; all except for every other Friday night. She arrives as she always does, with a small bang that rattles my nerves far more than my apartment. Twilight Sparkle, a pony from that cartoon show, walks out of the hallway and seats herself on the couch. She looks just like you’d expect her too; a three foot tall, purple pony princess with wings and a unicorn horn. What you might not expect is her penchant for raiding the fridge. “Hi, Jake.” “Hi, Twilight.” “Are those Red Delicious apples?” “Uh…” “That isn’t diet soda, is it?” “Of course not.” I still don’t fully understand why she comes here, or how. All I know with any certainty is that at a quarter past eight on every first and third Friday, she’s going to come and she’s going to insist that we watch that show of hers. I don’t really like the show much, and, interestingly enough, neither does she. She calls it research; I call it a distraction from studying. The only plus side is her unfiltered opinions on how she and her friend’s lives are condensed into twenty two minute episodes. An apple and soda bottle levitate off the table in an aura of purple light and drop into her waiting grasp. “So, are you all set for the fall semester? Did you pick a new major yet?” Oh yes, and she loves to discuss my pathetic life. I take a bottle off the table and shake my head. “Not really.” “Oh come on, aren’t you even a little excited? Think of all the new things you’ll get to learn.” “I’d be a lot more excited if I knew where all of this was going. I mean, I’ve taken at least one class from every department at this school. Nothing clicks, nothing tells me ‘Jake, you could do this for the rest of your life.’ ” “You did pretty well in English last semester, didn’t you?” “I guess, but there’s no money in that. Writers make almost nothing, same goes for teachers.” “But if you enjoy doing it…” “That’s not what I meant. Around here we don’t get magical tattoos that tell us what we’re meant to do. I need to find something that pays off my student loans while not driving me insane.” “My cutie mark is not a tattoo!” “Then why are you looking at it?” She blushes and looks away. That seems like a fair reaction to being caught checking out your own posterior. My grin lapses a few seconds later. “Sorry.” “No, no. You’re right.” I should get that on tape. “Want some popcorn?” “Sure. I’ll get the show playing, I’ll even skip the theme song.” “You’re a saint.” “Nope. Pony.” About fifteen minutes later, there are two bags of popcorn on the table, and the first episode is nearly over. I throw a few kernels in my mouth and wish the crunching sound would drown out the dialogue. Normally that’s Twilight’s job. “So what’s the deal with Rainbow Dash and what’s her name… A. K. Yearling? Is she just dreaming this whole thing or something?” I glance over and, for the first time ever, see Twilight sitting at the edge of the couch with her eyes fixed on the TV and her mouth hanging open. Normally she’d be reclining against the back cushion and calling out whatever the show was skipping over for the sake of time or age appropriateness. “Twilight?” “Ssh, this is the good part.” “You’re kidding me.” “Just wait for it.” I wait. I’m not sure why I am. Things wrap up in the last few minutes just like they always do. When the credits finally roll, Twilight exhales a massive breath and reaches for an apple. “Are you okay?” She nods. “I can’t believe that really happened. I can’t believe I really met her!” “You mean that wasn’t a dream?” “Nope, I was there. We really met A. K. Yearling, and she’s really Daring Do.” “But that’s crazy. Have you looked at her? She’s just Rainbow Dash with a different color scheme.” Twilight pauses in mid-bite. “What?” I flick bits of apple off the couch. “Swallow first.” Her horn starts to glow while she finishes her mouthful. The show rewinds until we’re staring at a frame of Rainbow Dash and Daring Do side by side. Who needs a fancy cable box when you’ve got a magic pony. If only she had the patience for football games. She marches up to the TV and puts a purple hoof between the two on-screen characters. “What resemblance?” “You’re staring right at it. Same eyes, same wings, same hairstyle…” “Manestyle, and no, they don’t look alike at all.” “But…” She turns away from the TV and grins at me. “Maybe it’s just my magical tattoo talking, but they don’t look alike at all. Not to a fellow pony, at least. If it makes you feel any better, I can barely tell humans apart. Except for the smell, I suppose.” “Fine, fine. Different worlds, different species. Can we move on?” She trots back to the couch and jumps back into her usual spot. I think she’s deliberately putting that violet star of hers in my peripheral vision. “Okay, one more episode!” “What’s this one about?” “Based on the last couple days, it’ll be about the Cutie Mark Crusaders.” “Great.” I actually mean it. Of all the characters on the show, I get annoyed with them the least. Twenty minutes later, I can still stand by that assertion. Sure, they’re ponies, but they’re still kids. Kids always have it tough, and at least these three aren’t walking pop-culture billboards. I finish off my final soda of the evening and watch the end credits. “The orange one actually has parents, right?” “Scootaloo? Why wouldn’t she? Do you think she lives under the Ponyville bridge?” “We’ve actually seen some family members for the other two, hers are never around.” Twilight makes a face that I know well. She’s trying to decide how best to explain something she finds uncomfortable. “I… don’t think we’ll be seeing her family on the show.” “Why not?” “It’s kind of messy. She just has a dad. He’s a construction worker and he swears a lot, just out of habit.” “You’ve met him?” “Oh yeah. I’m sort of tutoring those three once a week. The point is, Scootaloo’s dad isn’t really kid friendly. He loves Scootaloo to death, but he can’t stop his mouth.” “So is the show editing out half of what she says?” “Oh no, you’d never catch her swearing.” “Really?” “She sees how her dad’s life is, she doesn’t want it hers to turn out the same way. I’m so glad the mentoring thing with Rainbow is finally getting off the ground, that filly needs an adult mare in her life.” “Does Rainbow Dash really count as an adult?” Twilight makes that face again. “Sometimes. She’s a whole lot more mature than she used to be.” “I guess that’s good, for both their sakes.” “The funny thing is, that I think Scootaloo helped it happen. I don’t think Rainbow suddenly became mature enough to handle a little sister. Scootaloo brought it out in her.” “That must’ve taken a lot of digging.” “Years. She’s a patient little filly, when she wants to be.” We sit there for a moment. I don’t think either of us really know what to do with the touching episodes. Not even Twilight can rag on the show when its about a little pegasus that can’t fly. Finally I stand and start clearing away the dishes. “Oh, let me help.” Our collection of empty soda bottles glows purple and rises off the table. “That’s a first.” “Hey, I can do basic housework.” “Isn’t that why you keep Spike around?” She sticks out her tongue at me. “That’s different; he’s my assistant.” “What does that even mean? Why do you need an assistant?” “Oh, you know… for chores and stuff. Ugh, speaking of that I’d better get back. The last time I was over here late he threw a crazy party.” “Pinkie crazy?” “There’s no other kind. Thanks again for the popcorn.” “No problem. See you in a couple weeks.” I bite my tongue. I can’t believe I just said that. Once upon a time, I loathed her visits; the magic of being visited by an impossible creature wears off after a few hours of her eating your food, berating her own television show, and questioning your life choices. Sometimes she’d borrow my laptop, once again for ‘research’. Those blissful moments of quiet always ended in her screaming something along the lines of ‘eew’ and covering her eyes. In retrospect I guess I can’t blame her for that part, now that I know she was inadvertently discovering humanity’s obsession with, as she would say, where foals come from. Another bang signals her exit. Once again I have my apartment to myself. Once again I’m left wondering what I’m doing with my life. Power Ponies, Bats, and LoyaltyThis is the weirdest episode yet, and that’s saying something. Twilight and her friends are stuck in a comic book that’s vaguely reminiscent of my favorite childhood cartoons. “Did this actually happen?” Twilight’s sitting on the couch with an apple balanced on her hoof. “Are you going to ask that during every episode?” “You jumped into a comic book, that’s like every kid’s fantasy.” “What about this part?” She gestures to the screen, where the crazed villain is tying up the beloved heroes. “Oh come on, you’re here so you obviously made it out.” “All thanks to Spike.” “Isn’t that the point? I could see that moral coming after the first thirty seconds.” “Just think about it from my perspective: I was pulled into a strange new place, my magic wouldn’t work, some insane pony starts trying to kill me…” “I’m sure you got the hang of it by the end.” She finishes off her apple and goes for another one. “Like I said, all thanks to Spike. He actually spent a long time trying to teach us how to use our superpowers.” “How is shooting energy beams any different from your normal magic?” “That’s the only kind of magic I could do: no teleportation or moving objects around, just zapping stuff.” “How is that a superpower?” “Spike said my hero’s actually a pegasus, the superpower was using magic in the first place. Apparently it all had something to do with that silver thing I was wearing over my horn.” “That’s kind of disappointing.” “Why?” “If you’re more powerful than a superhero already, what’s the point of dressing up like one?” She shrugs. “It was worth it, for Spike’s sake.” “That makes him sound like a kid, you said he’s just small for his age.” “We were all in his comic book and he was still stuck playing sidekick. That stinks no matter how old you are.” We sit there and watch for a few minutes. Pretty soon Spike swoops in and, as expected, saves the day. Seeing Fluttershy go berserk is the best part of this surreal ride. “Was Spike depressed about this whole thing?” She pauses the show and points to the screen. They’re back in the regular world now and everyone, even Spike, is smiling. “By the end he was okay. As weird as the experience was, I’m glad it happened. We don’t focus on Spike enough.” “Isn’t he your assistant? Could you do something about that?” “That almost makes it worse. Half the time our conversations are about the chores.” “You could give him some time off.” “It wouldn’t help. Sure he’d spend some of it with Rarity, but he’d still stop by to see if I needed anything. He’s so loyal, even when I forget about his own needs.” She’s tracing her hoof around her soda bottle's lip. Considering that she stands on those things, I don’t see how she hasn’t come down with the plague. I reach for another apple. “So is the next episode this weird?” She grins. “Weirder.” “That isn’t possible.” “I’ll bet you the last soda.” “Deal.” I lost the bet, of course, and Twilight was only too happy to guzzle her winnings in front of me. She’s lucky she looks so ridiculous holding a bottle in her hooves. For the second time tonight, Fluttershy has gotten herself transformed, and for the second time I’m not sure how to process it. “She’s a bat.” “Kind of.” “Does she suck blood?” “No. Just watch.” After few more scenes I want to ask the blood question again. Fluttershy’s tearing around the orchard, terrorizing her friends like something out of a low budget horror movie. “Did anyone die?” “No! Why would you think that?” “I don’t know, maybe the fact that Fluttershy’s trying to take somebody’s head off?” “She was just scared.” “She looks carnivorous.” “She didn’t eat anypony! She only got mad when we tried to shoo her away from the apples.” The show goes on, and so does Twilight’s explanation of all the glossed-over details. Most of them are just the finer points of trying and failing to trap a pony-sized bat. Eventually everything goes back to normal, just like it always does. “You could’ve just built the bat sanctuary in the beginning.” “I know, I know. In retrospect we really should’ve listened to Fluttershy. When it comes to the farm and family, Applejack’s a bit overprotective.” “Was Fluttershy mad at her?” “Are you kidding? Once she understood what happened, the first thing she said to Applejack was that she forgave her for the whole mess… well, actually that was the second thing. First, she apologized for getting turned into a bat.” The lines that actually make me laugh rarely make it into the show, and that one is no exception. “What about Applejack?” “She was upset for a few days, even if she wouldn’t admit it. Sure she can be stubborn, but she cares just as much as the rest of us do. She would’ve burned down the whole orchard to get Fluttershy back.” “Heavy.” “We got her back, that’s what matters.” “Do you ever worry that one of your friends is going to get seriously hurt or die during one of these adventures?” “Sometimes, but how is that different from any other day? Besides, I’d do everything I could to keep them safe. Even if it meant—what time is it?” I glance at my watch. “About nine thirty. Worried Spike is throwing another party?” “Worse. I need to get a letter to Cadence in the mail by tomorrow morning, and I’m only on the fifth draft.” I shake my head as she hurries into the hallway. “She’s not going to grade you on your grammar and spelling.” “She doesn’t need to, I do that myself.” Somehow I’m not surprised by that. Rainbow Falls, Three’s A Crowd, and RivalriesTwilight is quiet tonight. The usual spread of apples and soda remains untouched. Maybe I should try buying some chips for next time. Either way, we’re nearing the end of the first episode. Rainbow Dash is about to secure her relay team a spot in the Equestria Games, no surprise there. The strange thing is that Twilight hasn’t said a word. I guess I’ll have to try. “So…” “Yes, she’s prodigy.” “Huh?” “Rainbow. She’s a prodigy, an exceptional flyer. Someday she’ll be a Wonderbolt and all her dreams will come true without her even working that hard.” “Do I detect a rivalry brewing?” She stares at me like I just threw cold water in her face. “Rivalry? With Rainbow Dash? Why?” “You said she’s extremely gifted, just like you.” “At flying and sports. My talents are completely different.” “Still sounds like a rivalry to me. Is that why you’ve been so quiet?” She levitates an apple into her hooves and takes a bite. “No.” “Then why? This show’s not worth watching without the Twilight Sparkle Commentary turned on.” She snorts out a laugh. “That’s what you call it?” “Whatever makes you stop moping.” She rolls her eyes and her horn lights up. “Fine, let’s just get this over with. I’ll explain when it’s over.” Twenty minutes later, I understand why she’s quiet. “So Discord showed up just to screw with your relationship with Cadence?” “Yup.” “Have you ever considered… I don’t know… punching him in the face?” “They edited that out.” “Seriously?” “I’m glad they did. It was stupid. I punch like a filly anyway.” I can’t help laughing. “I still want to see that.” “Cool it. That’s not all they left out.” “What else? Did he make you carry him all the way back home, too?” She shuts her eyes and shakes her head. “I wish it was just that. Remember what Cadence said?” “I try to tune that out.” “Ugh. She said life in the Crystal Empire was ‘wonderful’ and ‘predictable.’ ” “So?” “So that’s her married life with my big brother she’s talking about. I kept pestering her to tell me what she meant and then… then she did.” She’s stares down at the couch. She’s done the impossible; she made me care about her extended family. I grab an apple of my own and turn it over in my hands. “And?” “It’s… I don’t know how to start.” “Are they getting a divorce?” “What? No!” “Then it can’t be that bad.” “I guess. Cadence and Shining Armor are… trying to start a family. It’s not working.” “No foals?” “Nope, none. I feel so horrible that I forced her to admit it. Plus now I know way more about my brother’s love life than I ever wanted to.” “I don’t think apples and soda are going to help with that one.” “No… I was hoping watching the show would give me a clue of what to do next. What do you think?” The apple rolls out of my hands. “You’re asking me?” “I asked all my other friends; every single one of them said something different.” “What makes you think I can help?” “You obviously can’t make it any worse.” I reach for a fresh apple. She returns the dropped one into my hands before I can. I study its smooth surface. “Talk to her? Write her a letter?” “That’s all you’ve got?” “Twilight, the closest thing to a woman in my life leaves purple hair all over my couch.” She blushes deep red. “You going to eat that?” Before I can respond, the apple leaves my hands and finds its way into her mouth. “How about we do something different.” “I’m not watching football.” “Forget the TV. What do pony’s do for fun?” She looks around my apartment as she chews. “Want to go out?” “How? And where?” “Let’s get you some school supplies. Don’t tell me there’s neat piles of paper, pens, and notebooks somewhere in this dive.” “Somebody would see you.” “I’ll cast a spell. You’ll be the only one who can see or hear me.” I roll my eyes. This evening’s gone from a kid cartoon to an after-school TV movie. “No messing around, right? I don’t want people to think I’m crazy because I’m talking to my imaginary friend.” She jumps into the air and flies around my apartment like an oversized pigeon. A moment later she’s hovering next to me with a big smile on her face. “They’ll never know I was there.” “I’ll believe it when I see it.” I’m so glad the store’s nearly deserted. Twilight might be invisible and silent to the rest of the world, but I’m not so lucky. “Oh, and make sure you get extra college-ruled paper; you can never have enough.” The glee in her voice is almost sickening; we’re just looking at school supplies. All the same, I grab the package she’d pointing to and drop it in the cart. She started out in the child seat in the front of the cart, something I didn’t think was anatomically possible. Now that we’re in the school section, she’s airborne and clearly loving the store’s high ceilings. I clear my throat and mutter under my breath. “Tone it down.” “What was that?” “Tone it down.” I whisper. Finally she sets down on top of my cartful of Twilight-approved paper products. “Speak up.” Instead I whisper again. “Tone it down. This is just stuff for school.” “And that’s what’s so great about it. All these fresh supplies just waiting to be used to advance the cause of learning, or whatever it is you’re doing in college. I wish we had ballpoint pens in Equestria. Oh, maybe they have calculators on the next aisle!” With that she’s gone again. Maybe I can sneak over to the junk food section, or even the magazines. “Jake! Jake get over here! Help!” The security camera footage for this must be hilarious: gangly, unshaven twenty eight year old male who’s been robotically putting school supplies in a cart for fifteen minutes suddenly bolts for the toy section. I find her in that special pink aisle where they keep all the girl stuff. She’s hovering right in the center, chewing on her own front hooves. At first I don’t understand what’s wrong, not until I see what she’s discovered. “What… What is this?” I grin. “Ponies in toy form.” “But… But they’re so inaccurate!” She gently prods a few of the packages. “What is this? Goth Pinkie? Rainbow Dash with a purse? And where’s Applejack? They’ve got everypony else, so why no Applejack?” “Maybe she isn’t as popular.” “All the base designs are exactly the same! They painted all my friend’s faces on the some random pony’s androgynous body!” Thinking about that security camera footage is the only reason I’m not laughing. “Lighten up; they’re just kid’s toys.” “That’s no excuse for…” Air’s leaking out of her open mouth, and I know exactly why. “Yes, Twilight, that’s you.” To be fair, the toy looks nothing like her. Even so, she stares into its soulless, painted-on eyes for nearly a minute. Then she starts tilting her head from side to side. I think she’s trying to catch her own reflection in the plastic packaging. I start heading back the way I came. “Come on, let’s go finish buying school stuff.” “Buy… yes. I need to buy these.” “Pony toys?” “All of them… for research… and maybe a bonfire.” “I can’t afford all this, not if I’m going to eat this semester.” “I’ll pay you back.” “With what? Hay?” Finally she breaks off the staring contest with her toy self. “How about just one? Please?” It’s the compelling argument of a five year old. Still, I can’t stand up to the teary eyes she’s giving me. “Fine, but only one, and not one of the giant combo sets either.” She returns to her game of studying the entire collection. At last she settles on a little Rainbow Dash that comes with a hairbrush and a purse. “Heh heh heh. This is going to drive her insane.” Maud Pie, For Whom the Sweetie Belle Toils, and New FoodsI’ve been coughing lately. It’s probably nothing, but it still made for an annoying week. That’s nothing that a little junk food can’t help, of course. I lean back on the couch and wait for the bang. Twilight’s never tardy. “Jake? I have good news, I… what’s that smell?” I hear her slowly pace down the hallway, sniffing furiously. Finally she pokes her head into the room and stares at me. “What’s going on?” “Just a little surprise.” “It’s smells like… fish?” I point at the coffee table. In place of the normal fare, I’ve set out a two paper plates. “It’s called sushi.” “I’m not eating meat. We’ve been over this.” “It’s all vegetarian. I thought it might be a nice change.” She smiles. “Getting tired of apples and soda?” “After all these years? Never.” We sit on the couch and I hand her a plate. She sniffs the little rolls, touches one with a hoof, and pops it in her mouth. “Hmm. This is actually pretty good. It’s really just vegetables?” “Completely meat free.” “Nice to know your world isn’t totally dependent on blood. I’ve got some good news.” “Oh yeah?” “Remember that thing with Cadence a couple weeks ago?” “The thing you can’t stop talking about?” “Well I finally did what you said. All my other friends had me convinced to just give her some time, then I finally broke down and wrote her a letter apologizing for being so nosy and wishing her the best.” “Did she write back?” She eats another sushi roll and nods vigorously. “We’ve been writing each other every day since then. I think things are actually better than they were before, both with us and between her and Shining Armor.” “Are they still…” “They’re just going to let nature take its course. It’ll happen when it happens.” I grab my plate and dig in. Veggie sushi isn’t quite as good as the regular kind, but it’ll do in a pinch, especially when your dinner guest can’t stand the smell of any meat product. “So, what’re we watching tonight?” “We meet Pinkie’s sister.” “Pinkie has a sister?” “Three of them.” “I pity their parents.” “Just watch. You’ll see.” That’s just what we do. Maud Pie, to put it mildly, isn’t what I expected. By the end, all my questions have coalesced into one: “What’s the deal with her?” “She’s different, all right.” “That’s way more than different. Is she part rock?” “She lives on a rock farm; that explains her strength and affinity for geology… well maybe the second one anyway.” “Was Pinkie adopted?” “If anything, Maud might’ve been.” “You’re saying Maud’s the family oddball?” She finishes off the last of her sushi before answering. The way she savors the stuff makes me wish I’d thought of this sooner. “It’s weird. When I first met Pinkie I thought she had some kind of personality disorder. You can’t really tell from the show, but she can go from ecstatic to depressed in seconds, and the reverse is also true. Then when we followed Maud back home… Did I mention how much I love sushi?” “About twenty times, yes.” “Anyway, when we made it to the Pie farm we didn’t just meet Maud; her parents and her other sisters were there, too. Turns out the whole one-extreme-to-another thing is a family trait. Maud’s the oddball because she can actually control it, she’s levelheaded all the time.” “Weird.” “They all look alike too, so I don’t think anypony’s adopted.” “Why do you say that?” “Say what?” I cough a few times. I should get some cough syrup from the store tomorrow. She pauses her chewing to stare at me. “Are you okay?” “I’m fine. You stick ‘pony’ on the end of words. Anypony this, everypony that.” “Who said I got to pick my world’s cultural norms? That’s just how it is.” “Seems kind of unfair to all the other sentient species.” “They’ve got their own quirks and words. You didn’t think all the griffons in my world walk around saying ‘everypony’ did you?” “How would I know?” “Eh, fair enough. Your three favorite fillies are in the next episode.” “Don’t say it like that. Just because they’re my ‘favorites’ doesn’t mean I’m falling in love with this show.” Her horn begins the glow and the TV switches episodes. “Good. If you suddenly started doing that, I’d say you need to get your head examined.” Another twenty minutes pass in relative quiet. When Twilight doesn’t actually play a part in the episode, her comments are usually minor. Instead of Twilight, this episode features Princess Luna invading Sweetie Belle’s dreams. “Has Luna ever visited your dreams?” “Mine? No.” “How about your friends?” “I doubt it. I’ve spoken to her about her duties; she tends to stick to the young ponies. Adult pony dreams tend to be… well… more adult.” “Why are you so uptight about that?” “Uptight?” “The closest you’ve ever come to talking about it is saying ‘where foals come from.’ ” She blushes a little. “Didn’t we just talk about cultural norms? Talking about that is considered crude. I was brought up to be higher class pony than that.” “Then how do you even stand this place? That’s half the internet right there.” “I just have to be careful with what I watch or read. If something starts looking questionable I can always…” This time she isn’t blushing. She’s turning green. “Are you okay?” She shakes her head rapidly and disappears with a bang. My eardrums ring and the paper plates go flying. What just happened? The sound of her heaving answers my question. At least she made it to the bathroom in time. I run to the kitchen and pour a glass of water. This was my fault for introducing her to sushi. If I find out that it wasn’t really vegetarian, I’m never ordering from that place again. My next stop is the bathroom door. I’d knock if she’d bothered to close it. Instead I find her hunched over the toilet, trying to catch her breath. The whole room smells like vegetables and grass clippings. I guess I can rule out the fish theory. “I brought you some water.” She nods and takes the glass from me with her magic. A few gulps of water and many minutes of silent dread later, she finally says something. “I think it’s going away. Sorry.” “Sorry? It’s my fault.” “No, I should’ve held back with a new food. At least I didn’t throw up on your floor like last time.” “You didn’t help clean that up, you didn’t even apologize.” For a moment she looks like she’s going to vomit again. “It was bacon, I told you I don’t eat meat. You kept telling me it was just candy…” “Of meats. I called it the candy of meats.” “Your society’s so barbaric.” “Cultural norms, Twilight. I didn’t pick them.” She rests her chin on the seat. “New subject, please.” I’m all out of ideas. Typically she’d be home by now and I’d be catching up on some real TV. “Why do you visit me, specifically?” She tilts her head slightly so she can look at me. “My initial spell to open a portal was completely random. I have a couple more portals to your world that I’ve kept, both to places where I can browse the internet inconspicuously.” “You don’t talk to any other humans?” “No.” “Why not? Aren’t you curious? Maybe I’m a completely irregular example of my kind that’s giving you the wrong idea about us.” “You’re close enough. Besides, you could use a friend.” “That’s such a cheesy line, even for you.” In response she throws up again. I’d better get her some more water. Inspiration Manifestation, Equestria Games, and Preparedness Inspiration Manifestation, Equestria Games, and Preparedness This isn’t a good night. I’m coughing every few minutes, Twilight’s in a foul mood, and we’re watching a Rarity-heavy episode. At least watching her transform Ponyville into something out of The Wizard of Oz is more interesting than her normal fashion antics. Twilight throws a half-eaten apple at the TV. “Just once, Spike! Couldn’t you give her a normal gift just once?” “I take it he gives her lots of stuff?” “Tons. A week ago it was chocolates and ice cream, now it's a stupid dark magic spell book. Stupid Spike. Stupid stupid stupid…” “Wasn’t he was just trying to help her?” “Into an early grave, maybe. Ugh. Guess who had to clean up the whole mess?” That’s clear enough from what’s happening onscreen. “How long did it take you?” “Days. Almost every pony in town was right there too, begging us to work faster. Not Rarity and Spike though. No. Not them. Why watch their good friend work her tail off when they can make kissy-faces at each other on a park bench? Or wherever it is that they’re wasting time these days.” This isn’t my first clue that Twilight has no romantic life. Now probably isn’t the time to bring it up. “They’re still dating? Even after that thing with the traveling writer?” “I don’t get it either. One day they’re a couple, then they’re just friends, then they’re fighting… It probably doesn’t help that her parents give them flak. Rarity says they really want grandkids. If she marries Spike, they’ll be stuck waiting for Sweetie Belle to grow up.” “How—” “And I have no idea how their honeymoon would work; I don’t want to either.” “I was just going to ask if they could adopt.” “I guess. For now they’re dating 'in secret’, even though everypony knows. Every time she calls him her ‘friend’ I just want to scream.” “I think you’re jealous.” “Of what? The fighting? The useless gifts? No thanks.” “It can’t be all bad.” She sighs. “That’s still a whole lot of pain for a little crush.” “I don’t think it’s a crush if they’re dating off and on. I’m pretty sure that counts as a relationship.” Her ears fold back and she looks down at the couch. “Do you think he’ll move out?” “And in with her?” “If they ever get married, he’s not going to want to live with me anymore.” “Would it really be so bad, having the library all to yourself?” “Spike’s been with me forever. I’ve seen him every day since he hatched. He’s like… He’s like my little brother.” “Would you want to room with Shining Armor now that he’s married?” “Eww, no.” “So what’s the difference? If Spike moves out, you’ll just have to deal with it.” “But how? Don’t you have a hard time living here all by yourself?” “By myself? How often do you drop in again?” “I’m serious.” “I don’t really get lonely. There’s always TV and the internet.” “And studying, right?” “Right, and studying.” “I guess I do have my books, and my friends…” “Don’t forget coming here to watch your own life on instant replay.” “Speaking of which, we need to watch one more—” All the lights go out. A second later, my next door neighbor’s drunken cursing filters through the walls. I stumble my way to the kitchen and peek out the window. Everything, save for a few distant city lights, is pitch black. “Looks like the power is out for the entire block.” She’s hovering in the air next to me with her horn aglow. “When does it come back on?” “Whenever somebody from the power company comes around to fix it. It’ll probably be a couple hours at least.” “Oh well. Even if we can’t watch the show, I can help you get things set up.” “What things?” “Your emergency supplies. I’ll give you light so you can get your candles. Oh, do you have more than one flashlight? Could I borrow a battery? I want to do some experiments on one back home.” I step away from the window and sit down at the kitchen table. “I don’t have any emergency supplies.” “What?” “Sure it’s dark, but that’s okay. They’ll get the power back on eventually.” She flies around the dark room and lands on the table. Her glowing horn illuminates her face more than anything else, and she’s aghast. “No emergency supplies?” “So?” She stomps across the table and leaps into the chair next to mine. “When are you going to start taking care of yourself?” “Hey, that’s—” “It’s everything! You’ve been coughing for weeks! Aren’t you worried about that?” “I got some cough syrup the other day. What more do you want?” A hoof prods me in the stomach. “You’re loosing weight, too.” “How would you know?” “How can you not?” “Back off, just back off. I thought we were done with you badmouthing every choice I’ve ever made.” She sighs. “This is different. This is your health we’re talking about.” I cough right then. Oh the irony. “I’ll get it checked out.” She touches me again, this time on the shoulder. In my experience a hoof is about as comforting as a baseball bat, up until now at least. “Please, Jake, please really do this. I don’t want anything to happen you. I… I care about you.” I’m glad she can’t see my face. Whatever my expression is, I’m sure it looks stupid. For starters, we never touch each other, not since that time I touched her horn and almost lost a tooth. Besides, when did Twilight go soft on me? What happened to the days when she just complained about her show, ate my food, and left? “I will, Twilight. I’ll make an appointment tomorrow morning.” “Promise?” “Promise.” Twilight’s Kingdom and RegretsWe’re both tired tonight. It’s been two weeks since she visited during the power outage. Since then I’ve been to the doctor twice, once to get the cough checked out, and then to some expensive specialist who did nothing. All I have to show for my efforts is a bottle of expensive pills to take twice a day. I don’t think they do anything. I’m still coughing, I’ve lost more weight, and now I can’t stop yawning. I should probably just drop the two classes I’m taking; I can’t stay awake through them anymore. Twilight’s tired too, for some reason. She’s leaning back on the couch with her eyes half closed. Tonight’s episodes, the two part season finale, explain why. I don’t bother saying anything until it’s all over. The finale almost makes the months of reruns that lie ahead worth it. “That was pretty good, actually. The second part might’ve been my favorite episode ever.” “Great.” “Aren’t you going to tell me what they left out?” “Not much. Just an hour or so of Tirek and me tearing up Equestria.” “I wish I could’ve seen that. What was it like to have all the magic?” “Like the rest of the world was made out of paper… everything I touched broke… all except Tirek.” “It still made for a crazy fight.” “I don’t really want to talk about it.” “Aren’t you proud? You saved the world again, you got your own castle…” She’s staring at the ground. “I didn’t want to do it.” “Do what?” “Imprison Tirek again.” “Wasn’t he going to destroy everything if you didn’t?” “That’s not was I mean. After he blew up the library I was so furious… It’s a miracle that I didn’t kill him with all that magic. It’s an even bigger miracle that I didn’t wipe out half of Equestria.” “What’s the big deal? You were mad.” She stares at me. “Not mad. Furious. Out of control. I actually thought Tartarus was too good for him; I wanted him dead.” “I can understand that.” “No, you can’t. Being sent to Tartarus is the worst punishment imaginable in my world. We don’t have a death penalty, not even for murder. There’s only been a handful of pony murderers in history, King Sombra being the most infamous one. Still, when Tirek destroyed my home, threatened my friends…” If she had fingers, they'd be balled up in white-knuckled fists. She takes a deep breath and leans back on the couch. “I haven’t been sleeping well ever since. I thought maybe if I came here and talked to you about it… never mind.” I don’t really know what to say to that. Her world really is different. Coming up with anything at all to say takes a minute or two. “I’m not sure I’d be able to sleep either if I was stuck with the title Princess of Friendship.” Her rebuke never comes. I look over and see her head on the armrest. “Twilight?” She starts to snore. Loudly. It’s so comically loud that I want to laugh. She might actually make more noise when she’s asleep than when she’s awake. I’m not sure what to do. She just finished telling me she hasn’t been able to sleep. Am I just supposed to wake her up and let her toss and turn at home? For once a girl is sleeping in my apartment. Too bad she’s a cartoon pony. I drag myself off the couch and start cleaning things up. I turn off the TV, put away the snacks we were too tired to eat, and make sure the front door is locked. None of these are particularly loud activities, thankfully. When I’m all done I peek back in the living room and see that she’s still asleep. I guess she’s going to be there for a while. I find a folded up blanket in my closet. I’m not sure how long it’s been there, but at least it doesn’t smell. It’s probably cleaner than the one on my bed. This way she’ll be warm and might even feel refreshed when she wakes up. Draping the blanket over her should be easy. Emphasis on should. Right as I’m about to pull my hand away one of her hooves folds over my arm. I’m kneeling in front of the couch with my hand trapped next to her face like a favorite teddy bear. It could be worse, and if she wakes up like this she’ll probably make it so. Tirek got off easy by comparison. I think I said before that we never touch. That’s suited me just fine. To me she’s always been half-there: a purple apparition that appears and, through means unknown, interacts with physical things like apples and soda bottles. That idea doesn’t hold up when my hand is being tickled by her fur and warmed by her breath. She’s real. That’s all I can say. I’m not smart enough to have this realistic of a hallucination. She’s real, covered in purple hair, and asleep on my couch. I’d better pull my hand away while all the fingers are still attached. She’s gone by the time I get up the next morning. In her place there’s a folded up blanket and a note with four words: You’re the best! -Twilight. The Final ClichéI never realized how uncomfortable my floor is. Lying in a pool of my own blood isn’t helping either. In my present state I can’t do much, aside from stare at what remains of the glass coffee table and contemplate how many of those stupid shards are stuck in me. Bang. There she is, right on time. “Jake? I brought you a surprise. You haven’t had an apple until you’ve had a zap…” That pause probably means she’s figured out what happened. Something thumps on the ground, and then a rainbow-colored apple rolls into my field of view. My mouth is so dry that even a sickeningly multi-colored fruit looks delicious. Twilight’s front hooves block my view a moment later. “Jake? What happened? Speak to me!” I try to speak, even though my mouth can’t form the words anymore. “I tripped and crashed through the coffee table. What’s it look like?” “I can’t even understand you, and there’s all this… I’m going to be sick.” “Please don’t throw up. That’s not the image I want frozen in my memory when I pass out.” Her nose nudges my cheek. “I’ll get you help. I’m not sure how… I don’t even know what my magic would do to you.” “Did I ever mention that your breath smells like oats?” “I can’t understand you! Just be quiet at let me think!” I don’t really want to be quiet. I’m the one bleeding to death here, doesn’t that count for something? Everything gains a purple tint. Either I’m blacking out or Twilight’s about to do something crazy. “Just dial nine one—” For a second feels like she’s trying to lift me up by my skin, and it’s just as painful as it sounds. Why couldn’t I just black out? Why’d she have to use magic? I know you’re trying to help Twilight, but why can’t you just let me die here in peace? I already dropped both my classes for the semester, and if I don’t show up for work tomorrow I’m fired. I might as well just die right here. She’s pacing in front of me now. Her hooves are covered in blood. For some reason I find myself hoping she won’t touch the couch while she’s so messy. “Okay… Okay… That didn’t work. How about this?” The magic feels different this time. It’s got ahold of some more substantial part of me, or at least something that hurts a whole lot less. I feel myself rising off the sticky ground. I shiver as air flows underneath me. I’m freezing. That’s probably just the blood loss, right? My head rolls to the side. The apartment looks even messier from four feet above the ground. No wonder she thinks I’m a slob. Something isn’t right though, and I’m not talking about the shattered coffee table or the blood. There’s an object on the ground directly underneath me. Was I laying on a pillow? It’s big, whatever it is; almost like a body. The world’s growing dim now. The lights are going out, and I don’t mind. For the first time in a long time I don’t feel like coughing, and I don’t feel tired. Nice try, Twilight, but I think you showed up a little too late. I’m still breathing. That alone is surprising. The mattress underneath me is better than the floor, but not by much. I must be in the hospital. Opening my eyes confirms this; the walls are bare, save for a few incomprehensible charts and a curtained window. All that’s missing is one of those machines that beeps in time with my heartbeat. Twilight’s here too. She sleeping in a chair against the wall near the foot of the bed. She shouldn’t be here, and she shouldn’t be that big. Instead of her usual miniature self she’s almost as big as I am. Her hooves are on the armrests and her head is dipped forward, leaving her horn pointing directly at me. How long has she been sleeping like that? Her neck’s going to feel terrible when she wakes up. Maybe I can get her attention. She’ll be happy that I’m awake. I hope I'm okay. Except I don’t feel okay. It’s hard to pin down exactly why. Everything just feels different, from head to toe. My hair and teeth aren’t right, if that makes any sense. Worse still, I itch all over; almost like I need to shave my whole body. I move a hand to scratch my head and end up hitting it instead. I try again and just feel something heavy and blunt bumping into me, like my hand is in a cast. Regardless, I guide the appendage along my scalp, savoring the simple relief of scratching an itch. Then my hand runs into something else. There’s a weird growth in the middle of my forehead. It’s too long to be a cast. It’s almost like… My eyes go back to Twilight. Her horn’s pointing directly at me. No. She didn’t. Somebody knocks on the door and a moment later a nurse opens it. Not a human nurse, a pony. She’s taken me to the pony world. She’s turned me into one of them. I’m covered in fur, I have a tail, a horn, and no fingers. The nurse pony looks from me, to Twilight, to the empty hall behind her. “She’s still asleep, your maj—” Twilight jumps out of her chair. “I’m awake! Is Jake still…” Her giant eyes fix on me and she smiles. I don’t return the favor. “I’m so glad you're awake!” “Why did you do this to me?” Her fading smile makes it clear enough that I’m speaking intelligibly again. “I… I saved you.” “You turned me into a pony!” She jumps into the air and hovers over me. She thumps me in the chest in time with her next few words. “I saved your life, you got that? Do you know why?” “All you had to do was call the—” She throws her hooves in the air. “It was too late for that, and I’m not talking about the blood loss. Don’t you want to know why you were coughing and tired all the time?” “I went to the doctor… He gave me some pills…” “You had cancer! When I started scanning you with my magic I felt it. I saved your life, and you’d better be happy about it.” Her nose is inches from mine. Her breath still smells like oats, although this time it doesn’t bother me. Her glare still does, however. “You didn’t answer my question. Why?” “You were dying.” “That’s not good enough. You could’ve found some other way to help.” Tears well up in her eyes. “What do you want me to say?” “Just… Just tell me what I am to you. What possessed you to turn me into a pony, besides keeping me alive? Am I really your friend or just an experiment?” She’s going to cry. I can tell. There’s another knock at the door. The nurse pony is still there, and her eyes are wide. She’s standing in the doorway, but she’s not the one who knocked. A hoof clad in a golden shoe is poised against the door frame. “Twilight, could you give us a moment?” I know that voice. The one pony on the show that actually sounds like an adult walks into room and motions for the nurse to leave. Princess Celestia is almost too tall for the doorway. Compared to the nurse she’s a giant. Her magenta eyes move from me to the pony hovering in the air. “Twilight?” Twilight looks away and nods. “I’ll… I’ll wait outside.” “Thank you.” A few seconds later I’m alone with her. Her mane really does flow in a nonexistent wind. It’s eerie to see in person. Her presence alone makes my skin tingle. “Welcome to Equestria, Jake. I assume you know who I am?” “Yes, Princess.” Appending the title feels awkward, but I can’t help it. Pony or not, she looks every bit as powerful and authoritative as any ruler should. She seats herself on the ground which, given her size, brings us to eye level. “I’m well aware of Twilight’s extra-dimensional field trips. They started out as an exploratory mission and, I’m sorry to say, will now have to stop. I had no intention of her having such an impact on another world, let alone abducting one of its citizens.” “She didn’t abduct me, she was—” “Oh? That isn’t what you were shouting a minute ago. Now, as I was saying, Twilight will not be able to visit your world in the future and, I’m afraid, you won’t either.” “Why?” “As she was trying to tell you, you were dying. She didn’t drag you into our world where you instantly became a pony. In her haste to help you, she gave you a new body. A unicorn was the best she could manage.” “I can never go back?” “According to your world you never left. Your old body is still there and, based on Twilight’s reports about your kind’s dim perception of magic, nopony will have any reason to suspect what actually happened.” We stare at each other for a minute. Her expression is stern, but not angry. That’s remarkable considering I reduced her favorite student to tears right in front of her. “What happens now?” “Provided you respect our laws, you’re free to live out your life wherever in Equestria you desire. Twilight and her brother, Shining Armor, have already volunteered to teach you everything you’ll need to know about being a unicorn. You couldn’t ask for better teachers.” That makes my heart sink. “I’m sorry I made her so upset.” “She’ll recover, once you apologize.” That wasn’t a request, and I know it. “I will.” “I know. She’s told me many things about you, at times more than I think she intended to.” “What do you mean?” A smile returns to her face. “You’ll understand soon enough. Let me just make one thing abundantly clear.” All of the light in the room drains away except for the golden glow emanating from her horn. “I will never force you to act or feel a certain way, but I will demand that you treat Twilight with kindness and respect.” The light is in her eyes now. Her stare is like looking into the sun. “Twilight is like a daughter to me, and there is a special place in Tartarus reserved for those that hurt my family.” The room is back to normal in an instant, and once again she’s smiling like we’re old friends. “As I said, your feelings are your own, as are hers. What you two do with them is your business.” She stands and walks to the door. “Twilight? You can come back in now. I’m afraid I need to return to Canterlot at once.” Twilight opens the door and watches Celestia make her exit. Despite everything I just said to her, she looks at me and smiles. No matter what I say or do next, I’ve got an interesting life ahead of me. Friday, Night, and TwilightPonyville is quiet at night. Really quiet. In a world with no TV or radio you’d think there’d be more of a night life. It’s only a little after eight and there’s nobody on the streets except for me. The only signs of life are flickering lights in a few of the houses. I should come out at night more often. It’ll take a few minutes to walk across town, and that’s okay. Rare moments like these, when one neon-hued horse or other isn’t sticking their nose in my face, give me a chance to think. For once nobody is going to ask why I’m walking funny, and by funny I mean periodically tripping over one of my own back legs. If they’d spent a couple decades balanced on two legs instead of four they’d understand what I’m going through. It’s not all bad, though. I don’t want to give that impression. I don’t have student loans or a dead end job anymore, which almost makes the lack of thumbs worth it. The whole cancer thing tips the scales, of course. Just before Twilight officially lost permission to visit Earth, she brought back a few printouts from medical websites on cancer warning signs. I know she wanted to prove to me that she did the right thing, although right now I wish she’d skipped the medical stuff and bought me one last bacon double cheeseburger. I’ve been here for about three weeks and I still keep thinking about meat. Ponies have some amazing ways to dress up hay and vegetables, but in the end it just isn’t the same. Not that I have much of a choice; even if I did have a cheeseburger in front of me right now, my stomach couldn’t digest it. Still, it isn’t all bad. I know I keep saying that, but it’s true. Twilight inadvertently gave my life just what it needed: a full reset. So what if it came with a cutie mark—which happens to be a paper with writing on it, by the way. I have a job as Cheerilee’s teaching assistant and, in around six months, her substitute while she goes on maternity leave. All the kids still call her ‘Miss’, even though she’s been married to Big Mac for nearly a year. Working with kids is kind of fun, even if they are four legged. I didn’t expect to enjoy teaching, and if I’d continued to ignore Twilight’s advice about taking more English classes I probably wouldn’t have ever found out. Another plus is, ironically enough, friendship. When it comes to social interaction, nothing motivates like taking away the internet. I hang out with Twilight and her friends quite a bit, along with some other ponies that aren’t seen on the show very much. The biggest difference between watching Ponyville and living in it is timing; crazy things happen once in a while, but the average day isn’t a gag-a-minute mess. My life is peaceful and, amazingly enough, happy. Twilight’s the main reason for the latter. My walk ends at, to put it mildly, the biggest and gaudiest building in town. After seeing Twilight’s castle in person, I’m convinced the Tree of Harmony was just playing a practical joke on her. Compared to the other buildings this thing is a skyscraper; a crystalline purple one at that. In any case, I thump a hoof on the door and wait. Two seconds later the door opens and Twilight grins at me. “You’re right on time.” Being at eye level with her is perception-altering in ways I can’t describe, possibly even more than changing species. “May I come in?” She raises an eyebrow. “Are you trying to be chivalrous or something? Where’s my sarcastic, transmuted human?” “I’m just being polite, I figured it might rub off on you.” She smirks and the door swings wide open. “Oh get in here already, I’ve got a surprise for you.” Thankfully the interior decor is a little more subtle, which I’d imagine is Rarity’s doing. We walk down one of the many long hallways and eventually reach what Pinkie calls the ‘party room’. I’m not sure how this room is more party-worthy than any of the hundreds of others just like it, but that’s what we’ve all taken to calling it. There are always at least fifty balloons and streamers in here, and the banner reading “Welcome to Ponyville, Jake” has turned into a permanent fixture. She runs into the middle of the room and turns back to face me. “Surprise.” “So where is everyone?” “Pony.” “Fine, everypony. Where are they? You said we were having a get-together tonight.” “We are. I even invited your favorite princess.” My automatic reaction is to duck. “Where is she?” She laughs are rolls her eyes. “Not Celestia, I was being serious. Besides, wasn’t she nice to you at the gala last weekend?” “It takes a whole lot of nice to balance out the whole ‘be a jerk and I’ll send you to hell’ speech.” “I told you she was just being overprotective. You should’ve heard what she said to Shining Armor just before his wedding. Anyway, so who’s your favorite princess?” She bats her eyes at me. I grin. “Luna.” A balloon flies down from the ceiling and bops me on the head. “Try again.” I can’t match that assault. So far my best magic trick is giving myself a headache. She takes a few steps closer to me. “Don’t you remember what my invitation said?” “Twilight’s Castle, Friday, quarter past eigh… oh.” “Don’t tell me you forgot our old schedule already.” “Last I checked our old schedule was also every other week. We see each other almost every day.” “We do things with our friends, go on an occasional adventure … but we don’t have time like this anymore where it’s just you and me.” “We don’t have a TV either.” “I do have a couch, a bowl full of apples, and some cider. We can even sing that annoying theme song if it’ll make you feel more at home.” “Couldn’t we just skip to the part where we talk?” She’s been inching closer to me this whole time. At this point we’re nose to nose, staring directly into each other’s eyes. “Sounds wonderful.” “Is this is all going to show up on TV?” She leans in a half inch and kisses me. “With what I have to say? Not a chance.”
Daring Don’t, Flight to the Finish, and Pony ResemblancesSometimes I wonder why I’m doing this, why I’m setting out a bowl full of apples and several bottles of soda on my coffee table. I’d like to say there’s more I could be doing with my life, but I really can’t. I go to college, once in a while anyway, and I have a part time job. That sums up my day to day life; all except for every other Friday night. She arrives as she always does, with a small bang that rattles my nerves far more than my apartment. Twilight Sparkle, a pony from that cartoon show, walks out of the hallway and seats herself on the couch. She looks just like you’d expect her too; a three foot tall, purple pony princess with wings and a unicorn horn. What you might not expect is her penchant for raiding the fridge. “Hi, Jake.” “Hi, Twilight.” “Are those Red Delicious apples?” “Uh…” “That isn’t diet soda, is it?” “Of course not.” I still don’t fully understand why she comes here, or how. All I know with any certainty is that at a quarter past eight on every first and third Friday, she’s going to come and she’s going to insist that we watch that show of hers. I don’t really like the show much, and, interestingly enough, neither does she. She calls it research; I call it a distraction from studying. The only plus side is her unfiltered opinions on how she and her friend’s lives are condensed into twenty two minute episodes. An apple and soda bottle levitate off the table in an aura of purple light and drop into her waiting grasp. “So, are you all set for the fall semester? Did you pick a new major yet?” Oh yes, and she loves to discuss my pathetic life. I take a bottle off the table and shake my head. “Not really.” “Oh come on, aren’t you even a little excited? Think of all the new things you’ll get to learn.” “I’d be a lot more excited if I knew where all of this was going. I mean, I’ve taken at least one class from every department at this school. Nothing clicks, nothing tells me ‘Jake, you could do this for the rest of your life.’ ” “You did pretty well in English last semester, didn’t you?” “I guess, but there’s no money in that. Writers make almost nothing, same goes for teachers.” “But if you enjoy doing it…” “That’s not what I meant. Around here we don’t get magical tattoos that tell us what we’re meant to do. I need to find something that pays off my student loans while not driving me insane.” “My cutie mark is not a tattoo!” “Then why are you looking at it?” She blushes and looks away. That seems like a fair reaction to being caught checking out your own posterior. My grin lapses a few seconds later. “Sorry.” “No, no. You’re right.” I should get that on tape. “Want some popcorn?” “Sure. I’ll get the show playing, I’ll even skip the theme song.” “You’re a saint.” “Nope. Pony.” About fifteen minutes later, there are two bags of popcorn on the table, and the first episode is nearly over. I throw a few kernels in my mouth and wish the crunching sound would drown out the dialogue. Normally that’s Twilight’s job. “So what’s the deal with Rainbow Dash and what’s her name… A. K. Yearling? Is she just dreaming this whole thing or something?” I glance over and, for the first time ever, see Twilight sitting at the edge of the couch with her eyes fixed on the TV and her mouth hanging open. Normally she’d be reclining against the back cushion and calling out whatever the show was skipping over for the sake of time or age appropriateness. “Twilight?” “Ssh, this is the good part.” “You’re kidding me.” “Just wait for it.” I wait. I’m not sure why I am. Things wrap up in the last few minutes just like they always do. When the credits finally roll, Twilight exhales a massive breath and reaches for an apple. “Are you okay?” She nods. “I can’t believe that really happened. I can’t believe I really met her!” “You mean that wasn’t a dream?” “Nope, I was there. We really met A. K. Yearling, and she’s really Daring Do.” “But that’s crazy. Have you looked at her? She’s just Rainbow Dash with a different color scheme.” Twilight pauses in mid-bite. “What?” I flick bits of apple off the couch. “Swallow first.” Her horn starts to glow while she finishes her mouthful. The show rewinds until we’re staring at a frame of Rainbow Dash and Daring Do side by side. Who needs a fancy cable box when you’ve got a magic pony. If only she had the patience for football games. She marches up to the TV and puts a purple hoof between the two on-screen characters. “What resemblance?” “You’re staring right at it. Same eyes, same wings, same hairstyle…” “Manestyle, and no, they don’t look alike at all.” “But…” She turns away from the TV and grins at me. “Maybe it’s just my magical tattoo talking, but they don’t look alike at all. Not to a fellow pony, at least. If it makes you feel any better, I can barely tell humans apart. Except for the smell, I suppose.” “Fine, fine. Different worlds, different species. Can we move on?” She trots back to the couch and jumps back into her usual spot. I think she’s deliberately putting that violet star of hers in my peripheral vision. “Okay, one more episode!” “What’s this one about?” “Based on the last couple days, it’ll be about the Cutie Mark Crusaders.” “Great.” I actually mean it. Of all the characters on the show, I get annoyed with them the least. Twenty minutes later, I can still stand by that assertion. Sure, they’re ponies, but they’re still kids. Kids always have it tough, and at least these three aren’t walking pop-culture billboards. I finish off my final soda of the evening and watch the end credits. “The orange one actually has parents, right?” “Scootaloo? Why wouldn’t she? Do you think she lives under the Ponyville bridge?” “We’ve actually seen some family members for the other two, hers are never around.” Twilight makes a face that I know well. She’s trying to decide how best to explain something she finds uncomfortable. “I… don’t think we’ll be seeing her family on the show.” “Why not?” “It’s kind of messy. She just has a dad. He’s a construction worker and he swears a lot, just out of habit.” “You’ve met him?” “Oh yeah. I’m sort of tutoring those three once a week. The point is, Scootaloo’s dad isn’t really kid friendly. He loves Scootaloo to death, but he can’t stop his mouth.” “So is the show editing out half of what she says?” “Oh no, you’d never catch her swearing.” “Really?” “She sees how her dad’s life is, she doesn’t want it hers to turn out the same way. I’m so glad the mentoring thing with Rainbow is finally getting off the ground, that filly needs an adult mare in her life.” “Does Rainbow Dash really count as an adult?” Twilight makes that face again. “Sometimes. She’s a whole lot more mature than she used to be.” “I guess that’s good, for both their sakes.” “The funny thing is, that I think Scootaloo helped it happen. I don’t think Rainbow suddenly became mature enough to handle a little sister. Scootaloo brought it out in her.” “That must’ve taken a lot of digging.” “Years. She’s a patient little filly, when she wants to be.” We sit there for a moment. I don’t think either of us really know what to do with the touching episodes. Not even Twilight can rag on the show when its about a little pegasus that can’t fly. Finally I stand and start clearing away the dishes. “Oh, let me help.” Our collection of empty soda bottles glows purple and rises off the table. “That’s a first.” “Hey, I can do basic housework.” “Isn’t that why you keep Spike around?” She sticks out her tongue at me. “That’s different; he’s my assistant.” “What does that even mean? Why do you need an assistant?” “Oh, you know… for chores and stuff. Ugh, speaking of that I’d better get back. The last time I was over here late he threw a crazy party.” “Pinkie crazy?” “There’s no other kind. Thanks again for the popcorn.” “No problem. See you in a couple weeks.” I bite my tongue. I can’t believe I just said that. Once upon a time, I loathed her visits; the magic of being visited by an impossible creature wears off after a few hours of her eating your food, berating her own television show, and questioning your life choices. Sometimes she’d borrow my laptop, once again for ‘research’. Those blissful moments of quiet always ended in her screaming something along the lines of ‘eew’ and covering her eyes. In retrospect I guess I can’t blame her for that part, now that I know she was inadvertently discovering humanity’s obsession with, as she would say, where foals come from. Another bang signals her exit. Once again I have my apartment to myself. Once again I’m left wondering what I’m doing with my life.
Power Ponies, Bats, and LoyaltyThis is the weirdest episode yet, and that’s saying something. Twilight and her friends are stuck in a comic book that’s vaguely reminiscent of my favorite childhood cartoons. “Did this actually happen?” Twilight’s sitting on the couch with an apple balanced on her hoof. “Are you going to ask that during every episode?” “You jumped into a comic book, that’s like every kid’s fantasy.” “What about this part?” She gestures to the screen, where the crazed villain is tying up the beloved heroes. “Oh come on, you’re here so you obviously made it out.” “All thanks to Spike.” “Isn’t that the point? I could see that moral coming after the first thirty seconds.” “Just think about it from my perspective: I was pulled into a strange new place, my magic wouldn’t work, some insane pony starts trying to kill me…” “I’m sure you got the hang of it by the end.” She finishes off her apple and goes for another one. “Like I said, all thanks to Spike. He actually spent a long time trying to teach us how to use our superpowers.” “How is shooting energy beams any different from your normal magic?” “That’s the only kind of magic I could do: no teleportation or moving objects around, just zapping stuff.” “How is that a superpower?” “Spike said my hero’s actually a pegasus, the superpower was using magic in the first place. Apparently it all had something to do with that silver thing I was wearing over my horn.” “That’s kind of disappointing.” “Why?” “If you’re more powerful than a superhero already, what’s the point of dressing up like one?” She shrugs. “It was worth it, for Spike’s sake.” “That makes him sound like a kid, you said he’s just small for his age.” “We were all in his comic book and he was still stuck playing sidekick. That stinks no matter how old you are.” We sit there and watch for a few minutes. Pretty soon Spike swoops in and, as expected, saves the day. Seeing Fluttershy go berserk is the best part of this surreal ride. “Was Spike depressed about this whole thing?” She pauses the show and points to the screen. They’re back in the regular world now and everyone, even Spike, is smiling. “By the end he was okay. As weird as the experience was, I’m glad it happened. We don’t focus on Spike enough.” “Isn’t he your assistant? Could you do something about that?” “That almost makes it worse. Half the time our conversations are about the chores.” “You could give him some time off.” “It wouldn’t help. Sure he’d spend some of it with Rarity, but he’d still stop by to see if I needed anything. He’s so loyal, even when I forget about his own needs.” She’s tracing her hoof around her soda bottle's lip. Considering that she stands on those things, I don’t see how she hasn’t come down with the plague. I reach for another apple. “So is the next episode this weird?” She grins. “Weirder.” “That isn’t possible.” “I’ll bet you the last soda.” “Deal.” I lost the bet, of course, and Twilight was only too happy to guzzle her winnings in front of me. She’s lucky she looks so ridiculous holding a bottle in her hooves. For the second time tonight, Fluttershy has gotten herself transformed, and for the second time I’m not sure how to process it. “She’s a bat.” “Kind of.” “Does she suck blood?” “No. Just watch.” After few more scenes I want to ask the blood question again. Fluttershy’s tearing around the orchard, terrorizing her friends like something out of a low budget horror movie. “Did anyone die?” “No! Why would you think that?” “I don’t know, maybe the fact that Fluttershy’s trying to take somebody’s head off?” “She was just scared.” “She looks carnivorous.” “She didn’t eat anypony! She only got mad when we tried to shoo her away from the apples.” The show goes on, and so does Twilight’s explanation of all the glossed-over details. Most of them are just the finer points of trying and failing to trap a pony-sized bat. Eventually everything goes back to normal, just like it always does. “You could’ve just built the bat sanctuary in the beginning.” “I know, I know. In retrospect we really should’ve listened to Fluttershy. When it comes to the farm and family, Applejack’s a bit overprotective.” “Was Fluttershy mad at her?” “Are you kidding? Once she understood what happened, the first thing she said to Applejack was that she forgave her for the whole mess… well, actually that was the second thing. First, she apologized for getting turned into a bat.” The lines that actually make me laugh rarely make it into the show, and that one is no exception. “What about Applejack?” “She was upset for a few days, even if she wouldn’t admit it. Sure she can be stubborn, but she cares just as much as the rest of us do. She would’ve burned down the whole orchard to get Fluttershy back.” “Heavy.” “We got her back, that’s what matters.” “Do you ever worry that one of your friends is going to get seriously hurt or die during one of these adventures?” “Sometimes, but how is that different from any other day? Besides, I’d do everything I could to keep them safe. Even if it meant—what time is it?” I glance at my watch. “About nine thirty. Worried Spike is throwing another party?” “Worse. I need to get a letter to Cadence in the mail by tomorrow morning, and I’m only on the fifth draft.” I shake my head as she hurries into the hallway. “She’s not going to grade you on your grammar and spelling.” “She doesn’t need to, I do that myself.” Somehow I’m not surprised by that.
Rainbow Falls, Three’s A Crowd, and RivalriesTwilight is quiet tonight. The usual spread of apples and soda remains untouched. Maybe I should try buying some chips for next time. Either way, we’re nearing the end of the first episode. Rainbow Dash is about to secure her relay team a spot in the Equestria Games, no surprise there. The strange thing is that Twilight hasn’t said a word. I guess I’ll have to try. “So…” “Yes, she’s prodigy.” “Huh?” “Rainbow. She’s a prodigy, an exceptional flyer. Someday she’ll be a Wonderbolt and all her dreams will come true without her even working that hard.” “Do I detect a rivalry brewing?” She stares at me like I just threw cold water in her face. “Rivalry? With Rainbow Dash? Why?” “You said she’s extremely gifted, just like you.” “At flying and sports. My talents are completely different.” “Still sounds like a rivalry to me. Is that why you’ve been so quiet?” She levitates an apple into her hooves and takes a bite. “No.” “Then why? This show’s not worth watching without the Twilight Sparkle Commentary turned on.” She snorts out a laugh. “That’s what you call it?” “Whatever makes you stop moping.” She rolls her eyes and her horn lights up. “Fine, let’s just get this over with. I’ll explain when it’s over.” Twenty minutes later, I understand why she’s quiet. “So Discord showed up just to screw with your relationship with Cadence?” “Yup.” “Have you ever considered… I don’t know… punching him in the face?” “They edited that out.” “Seriously?” “I’m glad they did. It was stupid. I punch like a filly anyway.” I can’t help laughing. “I still want to see that.” “Cool it. That’s not all they left out.” “What else? Did he make you carry him all the way back home, too?” She shuts her eyes and shakes her head. “I wish it was just that. Remember what Cadence said?” “I try to tune that out.” “Ugh. She said life in the Crystal Empire was ‘wonderful’ and ‘predictable.’ ” “So?” “So that’s her married life with my big brother she’s talking about. I kept pestering her to tell me what she meant and then… then she did.” She’s stares down at the couch. She’s done the impossible; she made me care about her extended family. I grab an apple of my own and turn it over in my hands. “And?” “It’s… I don’t know how to start.” “Are they getting a divorce?” “What? No!” “Then it can’t be that bad.” “I guess. Cadence and Shining Armor are… trying to start a family. It’s not working.” “No foals?” “Nope, none. I feel so horrible that I forced her to admit it. Plus now I know way more about my brother’s love life than I ever wanted to.” “I don’t think apples and soda are going to help with that one.” “No… I was hoping watching the show would give me a clue of what to do next. What do you think?” The apple rolls out of my hands. “You’re asking me?” “I asked all my other friends; every single one of them said something different.” “What makes you think I can help?” “You obviously can’t make it any worse.” I reach for a fresh apple. She returns the dropped one into my hands before I can. I study its smooth surface. “Talk to her? Write her a letter?” “That’s all you’ve got?” “Twilight, the closest thing to a woman in my life leaves purple hair all over my couch.” She blushes deep red. “You going to eat that?” Before I can respond, the apple leaves my hands and finds its way into her mouth. “How about we do something different.” “I’m not watching football.” “Forget the TV. What do pony’s do for fun?” She looks around my apartment as she chews. “Want to go out?” “How? And where?” “Let’s get you some school supplies. Don’t tell me there’s neat piles of paper, pens, and notebooks somewhere in this dive.” “Somebody would see you.” “I’ll cast a spell. You’ll be the only one who can see or hear me.” I roll my eyes. This evening’s gone from a kid cartoon to an after-school TV movie. “No messing around, right? I don’t want people to think I’m crazy because I’m talking to my imaginary friend.” She jumps into the air and flies around my apartment like an oversized pigeon. A moment later she’s hovering next to me with a big smile on her face. “They’ll never know I was there.” “I’ll believe it when I see it.” I’m so glad the store’s nearly deserted. Twilight might be invisible and silent to the rest of the world, but I’m not so lucky. “Oh, and make sure you get extra college-ruled paper; you can never have enough.” The glee in her voice is almost sickening; we’re just looking at school supplies. All the same, I grab the package she’d pointing to and drop it in the cart. She started out in the child seat in the front of the cart, something I didn’t think was anatomically possible. Now that we’re in the school section, she’s airborne and clearly loving the store’s high ceilings. I clear my throat and mutter under my breath. “Tone it down.” “What was that?” “Tone it down.” I whisper. Finally she sets down on top of my cartful of Twilight-approved paper products. “Speak up.” Instead I whisper again. “Tone it down. This is just stuff for school.” “And that’s what’s so great about it. All these fresh supplies just waiting to be used to advance the cause of learning, or whatever it is you’re doing in college. I wish we had ballpoint pens in Equestria. Oh, maybe they have calculators on the next aisle!” With that she’s gone again. Maybe I can sneak over to the junk food section, or even the magazines. “Jake! Jake get over here! Help!” The security camera footage for this must be hilarious: gangly, unshaven twenty eight year old male who’s been robotically putting school supplies in a cart for fifteen minutes suddenly bolts for the toy section. I find her in that special pink aisle where they keep all the girl stuff. She’s hovering right in the center, chewing on her own front hooves. At first I don’t understand what’s wrong, not until I see what she’s discovered. “What… What is this?” I grin. “Ponies in toy form.” “But… But they’re so inaccurate!” She gently prods a few of the packages. “What is this? Goth Pinkie? Rainbow Dash with a purse? And where’s Applejack? They’ve got everypony else, so why no Applejack?” “Maybe she isn’t as popular.” “All the base designs are exactly the same! They painted all my friend’s faces on the some random pony’s androgynous body!” Thinking about that security camera footage is the only reason I’m not laughing. “Lighten up; they’re just kid’s toys.” “That’s no excuse for…” Air’s leaking out of her open mouth, and I know exactly why. “Yes, Twilight, that’s you.” To be fair, the toy looks nothing like her. Even so, she stares into its soulless, painted-on eyes for nearly a minute. Then she starts tilting her head from side to side. I think she’s trying to catch her own reflection in the plastic packaging. I start heading back the way I came. “Come on, let’s go finish buying school stuff.” “Buy… yes. I need to buy these.” “Pony toys?” “All of them… for research… and maybe a bonfire.” “I can’t afford all this, not if I’m going to eat this semester.” “I’ll pay you back.” “With what? Hay?” Finally she breaks off the staring contest with her toy self. “How about just one? Please?” It’s the compelling argument of a five year old. Still, I can’t stand up to the teary eyes she’s giving me. “Fine, but only one, and not one of the giant combo sets either.” She returns to her game of studying the entire collection. At last she settles on a little Rainbow Dash that comes with a hairbrush and a purse. “Heh heh heh. This is going to drive her insane.”
Maud Pie, For Whom the Sweetie Belle Toils, and New FoodsI’ve been coughing lately. It’s probably nothing, but it still made for an annoying week. That’s nothing that a little junk food can’t help, of course. I lean back on the couch and wait for the bang. Twilight’s never tardy. “Jake? I have good news, I… what’s that smell?” I hear her slowly pace down the hallway, sniffing furiously. Finally she pokes her head into the room and stares at me. “What’s going on?” “Just a little surprise.” “It’s smells like… fish?” I point at the coffee table. In place of the normal fare, I’ve set out a two paper plates. “It’s called sushi.” “I’m not eating meat. We’ve been over this.” “It’s all vegetarian. I thought it might be a nice change.” She smiles. “Getting tired of apples and soda?” “After all these years? Never.” We sit on the couch and I hand her a plate. She sniffs the little rolls, touches one with a hoof, and pops it in her mouth. “Hmm. This is actually pretty good. It’s really just vegetables?” “Completely meat free.” “Nice to know your world isn’t totally dependent on blood. I’ve got some good news.” “Oh yeah?” “Remember that thing with Cadence a couple weeks ago?” “The thing you can’t stop talking about?” “Well I finally did what you said. All my other friends had me convinced to just give her some time, then I finally broke down and wrote her a letter apologizing for being so nosy and wishing her the best.” “Did she write back?” She eats another sushi roll and nods vigorously. “We’ve been writing each other every day since then. I think things are actually better than they were before, both with us and between her and Shining Armor.” “Are they still…” “They’re just going to let nature take its course. It’ll happen when it happens.” I grab my plate and dig in. Veggie sushi isn’t quite as good as the regular kind, but it’ll do in a pinch, especially when your dinner guest can’t stand the smell of any meat product. “So, what’re we watching tonight?” “We meet Pinkie’s sister.” “Pinkie has a sister?” “Three of them.” “I pity their parents.” “Just watch. You’ll see.” That’s just what we do. Maud Pie, to put it mildly, isn’t what I expected. By the end, all my questions have coalesced into one: “What’s the deal with her?” “She’s different, all right.” “That’s way more than different. Is she part rock?” “She lives on a rock farm; that explains her strength and affinity for geology… well maybe the second one anyway.” “Was Pinkie adopted?” “If anything, Maud might’ve been.” “You’re saying Maud’s the family oddball?” She finishes off the last of her sushi before answering. The way she savors the stuff makes me wish I’d thought of this sooner. “It’s weird. When I first met Pinkie I thought she had some kind of personality disorder. You can’t really tell from the show, but she can go from ecstatic to depressed in seconds, and the reverse is also true. Then when we followed Maud back home… Did I mention how much I love sushi?” “About twenty times, yes.” “Anyway, when we made it to the Pie farm we didn’t just meet Maud; her parents and her other sisters were there, too. Turns out the whole one-extreme-to-another thing is a family trait. Maud’s the oddball because she can actually control it, she’s levelheaded all the time.” “Weird.” “They all look alike too, so I don’t think anypony’s adopted.” “Why do you say that?” “Say what?” I cough a few times. I should get some cough syrup from the store tomorrow. She pauses her chewing to stare at me. “Are you okay?” “I’m fine. You stick ‘pony’ on the end of words. Anypony this, everypony that.” “Who said I got to pick my world’s cultural norms? That’s just how it is.” “Seems kind of unfair to all the other sentient species.” “They’ve got their own quirks and words. You didn’t think all the griffons in my world walk around saying ‘everypony’ did you?” “How would I know?” “Eh, fair enough. Your three favorite fillies are in the next episode.” “Don’t say it like that. Just because they’re my ‘favorites’ doesn’t mean I’m falling in love with this show.” Her horn begins the glow and the TV switches episodes. “Good. If you suddenly started doing that, I’d say you need to get your head examined.” Another twenty minutes pass in relative quiet. When Twilight doesn’t actually play a part in the episode, her comments are usually minor. Instead of Twilight, this episode features Princess Luna invading Sweetie Belle’s dreams. “Has Luna ever visited your dreams?” “Mine? No.” “How about your friends?” “I doubt it. I’ve spoken to her about her duties; she tends to stick to the young ponies. Adult pony dreams tend to be… well… more adult.” “Why are you so uptight about that?” “Uptight?” “The closest you’ve ever come to talking about it is saying ‘where foals come from.’ ” She blushes a little. “Didn’t we just talk about cultural norms? Talking about that is considered crude. I was brought up to be higher class pony than that.” “Then how do you even stand this place? That’s half the internet right there.” “I just have to be careful with what I watch or read. If something starts looking questionable I can always…” This time she isn’t blushing. She’s turning green. “Are you okay?” She shakes her head rapidly and disappears with a bang. My eardrums ring and the paper plates go flying. What just happened? The sound of her heaving answers my question. At least she made it to the bathroom in time. I run to the kitchen and pour a glass of water. This was my fault for introducing her to sushi. If I find out that it wasn’t really vegetarian, I’m never ordering from that place again. My next stop is the bathroom door. I’d knock if she’d bothered to close it. Instead I find her hunched over the toilet, trying to catch her breath. The whole room smells like vegetables and grass clippings. I guess I can rule out the fish theory. “I brought you some water.” She nods and takes the glass from me with her magic. A few gulps of water and many minutes of silent dread later, she finally says something. “I think it’s going away. Sorry.” “Sorry? It’s my fault.” “No, I should’ve held back with a new food. At least I didn’t throw up on your floor like last time.” “You didn’t help clean that up, you didn’t even apologize.” For a moment she looks like she’s going to vomit again. “It was bacon, I told you I don’t eat meat. You kept telling me it was just candy…” “Of meats. I called it the candy of meats.” “Your society’s so barbaric.” “Cultural norms, Twilight. I didn’t pick them.” She rests her chin on the seat. “New subject, please.” I’m all out of ideas. Typically she’d be home by now and I’d be catching up on some real TV. “Why do you visit me, specifically?” She tilts her head slightly so she can look at me. “My initial spell to open a portal was completely random. I have a couple more portals to your world that I’ve kept, both to places where I can browse the internet inconspicuously.” “You don’t talk to any other humans?” “No.” “Why not? Aren’t you curious? Maybe I’m a completely irregular example of my kind that’s giving you the wrong idea about us.” “You’re close enough. Besides, you could use a friend.” “That’s such a cheesy line, even for you.” In response she throws up again. I’d better get her some more water.
Inspiration Manifestation, Equestria Games, and Preparedness Inspiration Manifestation, Equestria Games, and Preparedness This isn’t a good night. I’m coughing every few minutes, Twilight’s in a foul mood, and we’re watching a Rarity-heavy episode. At least watching her transform Ponyville into something out of The Wizard of Oz is more interesting than her normal fashion antics. Twilight throws a half-eaten apple at the TV. “Just once, Spike! Couldn’t you give her a normal gift just once?” “I take it he gives her lots of stuff?” “Tons. A week ago it was chocolates and ice cream, now it's a stupid dark magic spell book. Stupid Spike. Stupid stupid stupid…” “Wasn’t he was just trying to help her?” “Into an early grave, maybe. Ugh. Guess who had to clean up the whole mess?” That’s clear enough from what’s happening onscreen. “How long did it take you?” “Days. Almost every pony in town was right there too, begging us to work faster. Not Rarity and Spike though. No. Not them. Why watch their good friend work her tail off when they can make kissy-faces at each other on a park bench? Or wherever it is that they’re wasting time these days.” This isn’t my first clue that Twilight has no romantic life. Now probably isn’t the time to bring it up. “They’re still dating? Even after that thing with the traveling writer?” “I don’t get it either. One day they’re a couple, then they’re just friends, then they’re fighting… It probably doesn’t help that her parents give them flak. Rarity says they really want grandkids. If she marries Spike, they’ll be stuck waiting for Sweetie Belle to grow up.” “How—” “And I have no idea how their honeymoon would work; I don’t want to either.” “I was just going to ask if they could adopt.” “I guess. For now they’re dating 'in secret’, even though everypony knows. Every time she calls him her ‘friend’ I just want to scream.” “I think you’re jealous.” “Of what? The fighting? The useless gifts? No thanks.” “It can’t be all bad.” She sighs. “That’s still a whole lot of pain for a little crush.” “I don’t think it’s a crush if they’re dating off and on. I’m pretty sure that counts as a relationship.” Her ears fold back and she looks down at the couch. “Do you think he’ll move out?” “And in with her?” “If they ever get married, he’s not going to want to live with me anymore.” “Would it really be so bad, having the library all to yourself?” “Spike’s been with me forever. I’ve seen him every day since he hatched. He’s like… He’s like my little brother.” “Would you want to room with Shining Armor now that he’s married?” “Eww, no.” “So what’s the difference? If Spike moves out, you’ll just have to deal with it.” “But how? Don’t you have a hard time living here all by yourself?” “By myself? How often do you drop in again?” “I’m serious.” “I don’t really get lonely. There’s always TV and the internet.” “And studying, right?” “Right, and studying.” “I guess I do have my books, and my friends…” “Don’t forget coming here to watch your own life on instant replay.” “Speaking of which, we need to watch one more—” All the lights go out. A second later, my next door neighbor’s drunken cursing filters through the walls. I stumble my way to the kitchen and peek out the window. Everything, save for a few distant city lights, is pitch black. “Looks like the power is out for the entire block.” She’s hovering in the air next to me with her horn aglow. “When does it come back on?” “Whenever somebody from the power company comes around to fix it. It’ll probably be a couple hours at least.” “Oh well. Even if we can’t watch the show, I can help you get things set up.” “What things?” “Your emergency supplies. I’ll give you light so you can get your candles. Oh, do you have more than one flashlight? Could I borrow a battery? I want to do some experiments on one back home.” I step away from the window and sit down at the kitchen table. “I don’t have any emergency supplies.” “What?” “Sure it’s dark, but that’s okay. They’ll get the power back on eventually.” She flies around the dark room and lands on the table. Her glowing horn illuminates her face more than anything else, and she’s aghast. “No emergency supplies?” “So?” She stomps across the table and leaps into the chair next to mine. “When are you going to start taking care of yourself?” “Hey, that’s—” “It’s everything! You’ve been coughing for weeks! Aren’t you worried about that?” “I got some cough syrup the other day. What more do you want?” A hoof prods me in the stomach. “You’re loosing weight, too.” “How would you know?” “How can you not?” “Back off, just back off. I thought we were done with you badmouthing every choice I’ve ever made.” She sighs. “This is different. This is your health we’re talking about.” I cough right then. Oh the irony. “I’ll get it checked out.” She touches me again, this time on the shoulder. In my experience a hoof is about as comforting as a baseball bat, up until now at least. “Please, Jake, please really do this. I don’t want anything to happen you. I… I care about you.” I’m glad she can’t see my face. Whatever my expression is, I’m sure it looks stupid. For starters, we never touch each other, not since that time I touched her horn and almost lost a tooth. Besides, when did Twilight go soft on me? What happened to the days when she just complained about her show, ate my food, and left? “I will, Twilight. I’ll make an appointment tomorrow morning.” “Promise?” “Promise.”
Twilight’s Kingdom and RegretsWe’re both tired tonight. It’s been two weeks since she visited during the power outage. Since then I’ve been to the doctor twice, once to get the cough checked out, and then to some expensive specialist who did nothing. All I have to show for my efforts is a bottle of expensive pills to take twice a day. I don’t think they do anything. I’m still coughing, I’ve lost more weight, and now I can’t stop yawning. I should probably just drop the two classes I’m taking; I can’t stay awake through them anymore. Twilight’s tired too, for some reason. She’s leaning back on the couch with her eyes half closed. Tonight’s episodes, the two part season finale, explain why. I don’t bother saying anything until it’s all over. The finale almost makes the months of reruns that lie ahead worth it. “That was pretty good, actually. The second part might’ve been my favorite episode ever.” “Great.” “Aren’t you going to tell me what they left out?” “Not much. Just an hour or so of Tirek and me tearing up Equestria.” “I wish I could’ve seen that. What was it like to have all the magic?” “Like the rest of the world was made out of paper… everything I touched broke… all except Tirek.” “It still made for a crazy fight.” “I don’t really want to talk about it.” “Aren’t you proud? You saved the world again, you got your own castle…” She’s staring at the ground. “I didn’t want to do it.” “Do what?” “Imprison Tirek again.” “Wasn’t he going to destroy everything if you didn’t?” “That’s not was I mean. After he blew up the library I was so furious… It’s a miracle that I didn’t kill him with all that magic. It’s an even bigger miracle that I didn’t wipe out half of Equestria.” “What’s the big deal? You were mad.” She stares at me. “Not mad. Furious. Out of control. I actually thought Tartarus was too good for him; I wanted him dead.” “I can understand that.” “No, you can’t. Being sent to Tartarus is the worst punishment imaginable in my world. We don’t have a death penalty, not even for murder. There’s only been a handful of pony murderers in history, King Sombra being the most infamous one. Still, when Tirek destroyed my home, threatened my friends…” If she had fingers, they'd be balled up in white-knuckled fists. She takes a deep breath and leans back on the couch. “I haven’t been sleeping well ever since. I thought maybe if I came here and talked to you about it… never mind.” I don’t really know what to say to that. Her world really is different. Coming up with anything at all to say takes a minute or two. “I’m not sure I’d be able to sleep either if I was stuck with the title Princess of Friendship.” Her rebuke never comes. I look over and see her head on the armrest. “Twilight?” She starts to snore. Loudly. It’s so comically loud that I want to laugh. She might actually make more noise when she’s asleep than when she’s awake. I’m not sure what to do. She just finished telling me she hasn’t been able to sleep. Am I just supposed to wake her up and let her toss and turn at home? For once a girl is sleeping in my apartment. Too bad she’s a cartoon pony. I drag myself off the couch and start cleaning things up. I turn off the TV, put away the snacks we were too tired to eat, and make sure the front door is locked. None of these are particularly loud activities, thankfully. When I’m all done I peek back in the living room and see that she’s still asleep. I guess she’s going to be there for a while. I find a folded up blanket in my closet. I’m not sure how long it’s been there, but at least it doesn’t smell. It’s probably cleaner than the one on my bed. This way she’ll be warm and might even feel refreshed when she wakes up. Draping the blanket over her should be easy. Emphasis on should. Right as I’m about to pull my hand away one of her hooves folds over my arm. I’m kneeling in front of the couch with my hand trapped next to her face like a favorite teddy bear. It could be worse, and if she wakes up like this she’ll probably make it so. Tirek got off easy by comparison. I think I said before that we never touch. That’s suited me just fine. To me she’s always been half-there: a purple apparition that appears and, through means unknown, interacts with physical things like apples and soda bottles. That idea doesn’t hold up when my hand is being tickled by her fur and warmed by her breath. She’s real. That’s all I can say. I’m not smart enough to have this realistic of a hallucination. She’s real, covered in purple hair, and asleep on my couch. I’d better pull my hand away while all the fingers are still attached. She’s gone by the time I get up the next morning. In her place there’s a folded up blanket and a note with four words: You’re the best! -Twilight.
The Final ClichéI never realized how uncomfortable my floor is. Lying in a pool of my own blood isn’t helping either. In my present state I can’t do much, aside from stare at what remains of the glass coffee table and contemplate how many of those stupid shards are stuck in me. Bang. There she is, right on time. “Jake? I brought you a surprise. You haven’t had an apple until you’ve had a zap…” That pause probably means she’s figured out what happened. Something thumps on the ground, and then a rainbow-colored apple rolls into my field of view. My mouth is so dry that even a sickeningly multi-colored fruit looks delicious. Twilight’s front hooves block my view a moment later. “Jake? What happened? Speak to me!” I try to speak, even though my mouth can’t form the words anymore. “I tripped and crashed through the coffee table. What’s it look like?” “I can’t even understand you, and there’s all this… I’m going to be sick.” “Please don’t throw up. That’s not the image I want frozen in my memory when I pass out.” Her nose nudges my cheek. “I’ll get you help. I’m not sure how… I don’t even know what my magic would do to you.” “Did I ever mention that your breath smells like oats?” “I can’t understand you! Just be quiet at let me think!” I don’t really want to be quiet. I’m the one bleeding to death here, doesn’t that count for something? Everything gains a purple tint. Either I’m blacking out or Twilight’s about to do something crazy. “Just dial nine one—” For a second feels like she’s trying to lift me up by my skin, and it’s just as painful as it sounds. Why couldn’t I just black out? Why’d she have to use magic? I know you’re trying to help Twilight, but why can’t you just let me die here in peace? I already dropped both my classes for the semester, and if I don’t show up for work tomorrow I’m fired. I might as well just die right here. She’s pacing in front of me now. Her hooves are covered in blood. For some reason I find myself hoping she won’t touch the couch while she’s so messy. “Okay… Okay… That didn’t work. How about this?” The magic feels different this time. It’s got ahold of some more substantial part of me, or at least something that hurts a whole lot less. I feel myself rising off the sticky ground. I shiver as air flows underneath me. I’m freezing. That’s probably just the blood loss, right? My head rolls to the side. The apartment looks even messier from four feet above the ground. No wonder she thinks I’m a slob. Something isn’t right though, and I’m not talking about the shattered coffee table or the blood. There’s an object on the ground directly underneath me. Was I laying on a pillow? It’s big, whatever it is; almost like a body. The world’s growing dim now. The lights are going out, and I don’t mind. For the first time in a long time I don’t feel like coughing, and I don’t feel tired. Nice try, Twilight, but I think you showed up a little too late. I’m still breathing. That alone is surprising. The mattress underneath me is better than the floor, but not by much. I must be in the hospital. Opening my eyes confirms this; the walls are bare, save for a few incomprehensible charts and a curtained window. All that’s missing is one of those machines that beeps in time with my heartbeat. Twilight’s here too. She sleeping in a chair against the wall near the foot of the bed. She shouldn’t be here, and she shouldn’t be that big. Instead of her usual miniature self she’s almost as big as I am. Her hooves are on the armrests and her head is dipped forward, leaving her horn pointing directly at me. How long has she been sleeping like that? Her neck’s going to feel terrible when she wakes up. Maybe I can get her attention. She’ll be happy that I’m awake. I hope I'm okay. Except I don’t feel okay. It’s hard to pin down exactly why. Everything just feels different, from head to toe. My hair and teeth aren’t right, if that makes any sense. Worse still, I itch all over; almost like I need to shave my whole body. I move a hand to scratch my head and end up hitting it instead. I try again and just feel something heavy and blunt bumping into me, like my hand is in a cast. Regardless, I guide the appendage along my scalp, savoring the simple relief of scratching an itch. Then my hand runs into something else. There’s a weird growth in the middle of my forehead. It’s too long to be a cast. It’s almost like… My eyes go back to Twilight. Her horn’s pointing directly at me. No. She didn’t. Somebody knocks on the door and a moment later a nurse opens it. Not a human nurse, a pony. She’s taken me to the pony world. She’s turned me into one of them. I’m covered in fur, I have a tail, a horn, and no fingers. The nurse pony looks from me, to Twilight, to the empty hall behind her. “She’s still asleep, your maj—” Twilight jumps out of her chair. “I’m awake! Is Jake still…” Her giant eyes fix on me and she smiles. I don’t return the favor. “I’m so glad you're awake!” “Why did you do this to me?” Her fading smile makes it clear enough that I’m speaking intelligibly again. “I… I saved you.” “You turned me into a pony!” She jumps into the air and hovers over me. She thumps me in the chest in time with her next few words. “I saved your life, you got that? Do you know why?” “All you had to do was call the—” She throws her hooves in the air. “It was too late for that, and I’m not talking about the blood loss. Don’t you want to know why you were coughing and tired all the time?” “I went to the doctor… He gave me some pills…” “You had cancer! When I started scanning you with my magic I felt it. I saved your life, and you’d better be happy about it.” Her nose is inches from mine. Her breath still smells like oats, although this time it doesn’t bother me. Her glare still does, however. “You didn’t answer my question. Why?” “You were dying.” “That’s not good enough. You could’ve found some other way to help.” Tears well up in her eyes. “What do you want me to say?” “Just… Just tell me what I am to you. What possessed you to turn me into a pony, besides keeping me alive? Am I really your friend or just an experiment?” She’s going to cry. I can tell. There’s another knock at the door. The nurse pony is still there, and her eyes are wide. She’s standing in the doorway, but she’s not the one who knocked. A hoof clad in a golden shoe is poised against the door frame. “Twilight, could you give us a moment?” I know that voice. The one pony on the show that actually sounds like an adult walks into room and motions for the nurse to leave. Princess Celestia is almost too tall for the doorway. Compared to the nurse she’s a giant. Her magenta eyes move from me to the pony hovering in the air. “Twilight?” Twilight looks away and nods. “I’ll… I’ll wait outside.” “Thank you.” A few seconds later I’m alone with her. Her mane really does flow in a nonexistent wind. It’s eerie to see in person. Her presence alone makes my skin tingle. “Welcome to Equestria, Jake. I assume you know who I am?” “Yes, Princess.” Appending the title feels awkward, but I can’t help it. Pony or not, she looks every bit as powerful and authoritative as any ruler should. She seats herself on the ground which, given her size, brings us to eye level. “I’m well aware of Twilight’s extra-dimensional field trips. They started out as an exploratory mission and, I’m sorry to say, will now have to stop. I had no intention of her having such an impact on another world, let alone abducting one of its citizens.” “She didn’t abduct me, she was—” “Oh? That isn’t what you were shouting a minute ago. Now, as I was saying, Twilight will not be able to visit your world in the future and, I’m afraid, you won’t either.” “Why?” “As she was trying to tell you, you were dying. She didn’t drag you into our world where you instantly became a pony. In her haste to help you, she gave you a new body. A unicorn was the best she could manage.” “I can never go back?” “According to your world you never left. Your old body is still there and, based on Twilight’s reports about your kind’s dim perception of magic, nopony will have any reason to suspect what actually happened.” We stare at each other for a minute. Her expression is stern, but not angry. That’s remarkable considering I reduced her favorite student to tears right in front of her. “What happens now?” “Provided you respect our laws, you’re free to live out your life wherever in Equestria you desire. Twilight and her brother, Shining Armor, have already volunteered to teach you everything you’ll need to know about being a unicorn. You couldn’t ask for better teachers.” That makes my heart sink. “I’m sorry I made her so upset.” “She’ll recover, once you apologize.” That wasn’t a request, and I know it. “I will.” “I know. She’s told me many things about you, at times more than I think she intended to.” “What do you mean?” A smile returns to her face. “You’ll understand soon enough. Let me just make one thing abundantly clear.” All of the light in the room drains away except for the golden glow emanating from her horn. “I will never force you to act or feel a certain way, but I will demand that you treat Twilight with kindness and respect.” The light is in her eyes now. Her stare is like looking into the sun. “Twilight is like a daughter to me, and there is a special place in Tartarus reserved for those that hurt my family.” The room is back to normal in an instant, and once again she’s smiling like we’re old friends. “As I said, your feelings are your own, as are hers. What you two do with them is your business.” She stands and walks to the door. “Twilight? You can come back in now. I’m afraid I need to return to Canterlot at once.” Twilight opens the door and watches Celestia make her exit. Despite everything I just said to her, she looks at me and smiles. No matter what I say or do next, I’ve got an interesting life ahead of me.
Friday, Night, and TwilightPonyville is quiet at night. Really quiet. In a world with no TV or radio you’d think there’d be more of a night life. It’s only a little after eight and there’s nobody on the streets except for me. The only signs of life are flickering lights in a few of the houses. I should come out at night more often. It’ll take a few minutes to walk across town, and that’s okay. Rare moments like these, when one neon-hued horse or other isn’t sticking their nose in my face, give me a chance to think. For once nobody is going to ask why I’m walking funny, and by funny I mean periodically tripping over one of my own back legs. If they’d spent a couple decades balanced on two legs instead of four they’d understand what I’m going through. It’s not all bad, though. I don’t want to give that impression. I don’t have student loans or a dead end job anymore, which almost makes the lack of thumbs worth it. The whole cancer thing tips the scales, of course. Just before Twilight officially lost permission to visit Earth, she brought back a few printouts from medical websites on cancer warning signs. I know she wanted to prove to me that she did the right thing, although right now I wish she’d skipped the medical stuff and bought me one last bacon double cheeseburger. I’ve been here for about three weeks and I still keep thinking about meat. Ponies have some amazing ways to dress up hay and vegetables, but in the end it just isn’t the same. Not that I have much of a choice; even if I did have a cheeseburger in front of me right now, my stomach couldn’t digest it. Still, it isn’t all bad. I know I keep saying that, but it’s true. Twilight inadvertently gave my life just what it needed: a full reset. So what if it came with a cutie mark—which happens to be a paper with writing on it, by the way. I have a job as Cheerilee’s teaching assistant and, in around six months, her substitute while she goes on maternity leave. All the kids still call her ‘Miss’, even though she’s been married to Big Mac for nearly a year. Working with kids is kind of fun, even if they are four legged. I didn’t expect to enjoy teaching, and if I’d continued to ignore Twilight’s advice about taking more English classes I probably wouldn’t have ever found out. Another plus is, ironically enough, friendship. When it comes to social interaction, nothing motivates like taking away the internet. I hang out with Twilight and her friends quite a bit, along with some other ponies that aren’t seen on the show very much. The biggest difference between watching Ponyville and living in it is timing; crazy things happen once in a while, but the average day isn’t a gag-a-minute mess. My life is peaceful and, amazingly enough, happy. Twilight’s the main reason for the latter. My walk ends at, to put it mildly, the biggest and gaudiest building in town. After seeing Twilight’s castle in person, I’m convinced the Tree of Harmony was just playing a practical joke on her. Compared to the other buildings this thing is a skyscraper; a crystalline purple one at that. In any case, I thump a hoof on the door and wait. Two seconds later the door opens and Twilight grins at me. “You’re right on time.” Being at eye level with her is perception-altering in ways I can’t describe, possibly even more than changing species. “May I come in?” She raises an eyebrow. “Are you trying to be chivalrous or something? Where’s my sarcastic, transmuted human?” “I’m just being polite, I figured it might rub off on you.” She smirks and the door swings wide open. “Oh get in here already, I’ve got a surprise for you.” Thankfully the interior decor is a little more subtle, which I’d imagine is Rarity’s doing. We walk down one of the many long hallways and eventually reach what Pinkie calls the ‘party room’. I’m not sure how this room is more party-worthy than any of the hundreds of others just like it, but that’s what we’ve all taken to calling it. There are always at least fifty balloons and streamers in here, and the banner reading “Welcome to Ponyville, Jake” has turned into a permanent fixture. She runs into the middle of the room and turns back to face me. “Surprise.” “So where is everyone?” “Pony.” “Fine, everypony. Where are they? You said we were having a get-together tonight.” “We are. I even invited your favorite princess.” My automatic reaction is to duck. “Where is she?” She laughs are rolls her eyes. “Not Celestia, I was being serious. Besides, wasn’t she nice to you at the gala last weekend?” “It takes a whole lot of nice to balance out the whole ‘be a jerk and I’ll send you to hell’ speech.” “I told you she was just being overprotective. You should’ve heard what she said to Shining Armor just before his wedding. Anyway, so who’s your favorite princess?” She bats her eyes at me. I grin. “Luna.” A balloon flies down from the ceiling and bops me on the head. “Try again.” I can’t match that assault. So far my best magic trick is giving myself a headache. She takes a few steps closer to me. “Don’t you remember what my invitation said?” “Twilight’s Castle, Friday, quarter past eigh… oh.” “Don’t tell me you forgot our old schedule already.” “Last I checked our old schedule was also every other week. We see each other almost every day.” “We do things with our friends, go on an occasional adventure … but we don’t have time like this anymore where it’s just you and me.” “We don’t have a TV either.” “I do have a couch, a bowl full of apples, and some cider. We can even sing that annoying theme song if it’ll make you feel more at home.” “Couldn’t we just skip to the part where we talk?” She’s been inching closer to me this whole time. At this point we’re nose to nose, staring directly into each other’s eyes. “Sounds wonderful.” “Is this is all going to show up on TV?” She leans in a half inch and kisses me. “With what I have to say? Not a chance.”
