One Bad Sandwich

by MrAnonymous987

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Slice of Life, Sex, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Romance, Original Character
Length: 2405

Yup, a sandwich. That's why I'm here. I ate a sandwich, not a good one at that either, and now I'm in a colorful world full of ponies. Yeah. Great way to spend my summer.

You know how people say eating cheese before bed causes some messed up dreams? They were right. And bread seems to enhance the power, because I'm stuck in the most fricked up dream imaginable. Though most people I know would kill to be where I am, I'd rather kill to get out. Sadly, it won't be that easy.

Published 2014-07-01 05:20:04 UTC
Last updated 2014-10-12 07:12:45 UTC

Chapter 1

"Ugh, I should not have eaten that sandwich." I said to myself as I woke up, hand on my stomach. I rolled my face over the side of my bed and threw up right into the bucket I had set there before my little nap. But, as my luck would have it, the bucket somehow moved three inches to the side. "Why did I have to eat a cheese sandwich? Why don't I listen to my doctor?" I though about what I'd be doing if I were to have listened to my doctor when he said I had developed lactose intolerance. Playing video games, drinking soda, eating cookies. Everything I want to be doing. But hey, my reasoning was sound. How can someone who has been eating pizza and drinking milk his entire life suddenly develop an allergy to that of which he loves, dairy? But no, instead of being smart and listening, I laughed in his face and now I have to go mop up this mess I made. So I sat up and stretched. A long drawn out yawn woke me up so I could brave the day. I swung around so I was facing off the couch and hopped off. And lucky me, I fell flat on my face, in the green puddle of the equivalent of shit form my mouth.

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?" a female voice shouted at me from down the hall, then I heard footsteps coming closer. Great, now my sister is gonna flip shit because I threw up all over her nice hardwood floor. "For crying out loud, I take you into my house, let you sleep here, and you repay me by fucking the place up. Some house guest you are!"

"Well sorry but it's not my fault I'm allergic to cheeeeee?" I slowly looked up and froze, astonished at the sight. "Uhh sis, come here."

"I'm not your sister, and I'm right here." she said.

"This is one totally fucked up hallucination."

"You're telling me. Now make yourself useful and stop puking. Take a shower or something, I just got out of mine so the water is still hot." I watched a sky blue, almost cyan pony with a rainbow colored tail and mane walk to a nearby closet. She pulled out a mop and mop bucket and kicked it towards me. "Well, you gonna sit there gawking or go do it?"

I scrambled to my feet, eager to get to the shower and clear away this crazy image, but every time I got on my rear legs, I'd stumble instantly and fall, so I ended up walking on all fours to the bathroom. But for some reason, it felt natural. I all but fell through the bathroom door and quickly hopped into the shower. Knowing how I sleep, and my condition, I felt that it was better to get what little clothes I had on wet than waste time to take them off. I turned on the shower and the head screamed as the water sprayed out, almost as if it was asking 'whyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?' in a long, drawn out, high pitched fashion. I could tell from the temperature that I was just catching the last bit of warm water before it cooled back to room temp from not being used. It quickly got hot again though, and I put my face right in the stream.

It felt nice until I thought, oh crap, what about my clothes? I looked back and saw that I was wearing something white. Only, it wasn't clothes. When I tried to pull it off, I felt pain. And upon further inspection, I found is was a layer of hair, or fur, or something. I also discovered my tail, and mane. Both of which were a similar blue to the pony I saw previously. Well, this is a nice wake up. Kind of like God, nature, your body, and hell, everything, is giving you a big 'fuck you' right in the face. Either this water is making it worse, I'm a total loon, something is entirely messed up, or that myth about cheese and dreams is true. I really hope it's the latter. Although, this doesn't feel like a dream. After I figured that staying in the shower would change nothing, I turned off the water and stepped out. I grabbed a towel off the nearby rack and dried myself with it quickly. I looked at it's print before tossing it on another wet towel I presume the pony I saw used from her shower. It had several ponies staring at the sky and some flying in the sky in the back. I'm not exactly sure what that's all about, but hey, I won't judge.

I trotted out of the bathroom and looked down the hall into the room I slept in, which was probably the living room considering how open and welcoming it seemed.

"So, now that your up. Where the hell do you live so I can take you back?" a cyan pony called to me from the living room.

"I can take myself home thank you very much." I responded.

"Then scram." she said when she appeared in the hallway, pushing a bucket filled with vomit. She stopped in front of me.

"Umm. I don't know where I am, sooo."

"You're at my house, happy?"

"Could you be more specific?"

"A cloud floating above Ponyville."

"Wait wait wait. Ponyville?"

"Yeah? Every heard of it? One of the like 5 towns on the planet?"

"So you're saying, everyone here is a cartoon pony?"

"Umm, duh. Sheesh, where have you been living, the griffon kingdom?"

"No, I'm from the real world, you know, Earth."

The mare stared at me funny for a couple seconds. "Ok, clearly you hit your head something nasty."

"No I didn't, I ate a sandwich I shouldn't have and now I have the craziest screwed up dream in the world. God I could write a book about it someday, it probably wouldn't be a well made story and full of grammatical errors, but I wrote it so I'd be happy."

"Yeah so I'm just going to take you to my friend Twilight's house and she can tell us whats wrong with you."

"Good luck with that." I turned around and walked down the hallway. I felt the mare's eyes burning into the back of my head.

"No. You're coming with me to my friends house."

"I'd like to see you try."

"All right." next thing I know, I'm lying sprawled out on the floor with a female horse on my back.

"OW!"

"Oh I'm sowwy wittle boy. Did that huwt?" she said as though taking to a baby.

"Oh ha ha that's funny."

"All right now let's go see what's wrong with you." She slowly stood back up and held me with her front hooves. She flapped a pair of wings I didn't notice previously and hovered above the floor with me in her grasp.

"Ok that's pretty cool, I gotta admit."

"Can it." She spat as she struggled to carry me down the hall and out her door which was conveniently open.

Chapter 2

"OH DEAR GOD PLEASE DON'T DROP ME!" I shouted as I reached back and clung to the neck of the mare who was carrying me.

"Wasn't planning on it, and please let go of my throat." she managed to say through my iron grip.

"Sorry." I said instantly letting go and resting in her hooves again.

"Besides, even if I did drop you, you're a pegasus, you could easily recover from the fall and fly away."

"Wait what?" I asked, astonished.

"What did you think these were for?" she grabbed an appendage I didn't know I had and waved it around a bit.

"I was wondering what that odd feeling around my shoulder was."

"Ok either you're a really good liar."

"Or?"

"Or you really aren't from around here."

"What gave it away?" I asked sarcastically.

"Well, most ponies don't lie that much, and you seem awfully clueless."

"And it only took you that long to figure it out."

"Careful, I can still drop you."

"Hah, I'm sure I can learn to fly on the fall."

"Ok." The blue pegasus dropped me and hovered down slowly. Well, when you tempt fate I guess.

I felt terror for a second, then I panicked and used the muscles I assumed were for my wings. That's when it hit me. "OW!" I lied on the ground with all my limbs outspread. "That was not cool."

"Hey, I never said I would drop you from a high height, or that it's easy to fly." She said hovering in front of me.

"Eh, that's fair I guess."

She extended a hoof to me and I grasped it somehow with mine. "You know, I never asked your name." she said as she pulled me up onto my feet, er, hooves.

"It's Xavier Witten, what's yours?"

"Rainbow Dash, and you need a new name."

"What's wrong with Xavier?"

"Well if you're going to live in Ponyville, you need a more ponyish name to fit in."

"Oh hell no. I am not changing my name to some sissy combination of innocent words just to seem normal for a couple hours! The second I get a chance to wake up from this nightmare, I'm out!"

"Fine fine, if you're going to be that rude I guess I'll just leave you here to fend for yourself." Rainbow turned around and started walking away slowly.

"Wait!" I ran in front of her and stopped her. "Umm, actually could you stay with me for a little while, I have no clue where I am and I'm kind of scared. No dream in my life has seemed so real."

"Sure, and by the way, this isn't a dream, this is my life. Welcome to Ponyville."

"Prove to me this isn't a dream." I said.

"I dropped you remember, it hurt."

"I'm a heavy sleeper."

"Try to make something appear." Dash said unamused as though she thought this was a terrible prank.

"That only works in movies."

"Where would you have gotten the motivation to think of a world like this and why would you ask for my help if this is your dream?"

"I'm on medication and my dreams are confusing, I need a guide and it's usually the first thing I meet so."

"Ok just, this is real dude ok, I don't know who you are or where you came from all I know is your name so, do you want my help or not?"

"Hmm, well most of my dreams aren't this complicated." I muttered to myself. I kicked a pebble that was near my hoof a little ways. Physics seem normal, so either these meds are working and are making me normal, or something is seriously wrong with me. "Fine, but can you please help me find my way back."

"It's ok with me."

"You seem a lot calmer out of your house."

"Flying calms me down, you seem more mellow too."

"I don't know why, but whenever someone near me starts yelling I start yelling and swearing and stuff. I think it's genetics."

Rainbow chuckled and punched me on the shoulder. "I dunno, but you could ask egghead." She walked up to a nearby tree and knocked on the door. "Hey Twilight come out here a minute!" she shouted.

"Just a minute." A faint voice called from inside.

Rainbow and I stood around the doorway looking around awkwardly. I looked myself over quickly. Yup, still a horse with a white coat and cyan mane and tail. I snuck a glance at Rainbow's flank then looked at my own.

"So, that tattoo on your leg." I said trying to start an awkward conversation to avoid slightly more awkward silence.

"It's not a tattoo you drip. It's my cutie mark."

"You're what?"

"When a pony finds their special talent they get a mark on their flank to show it called a cutie mark." Rainbow explained.

"I see." I stared at the ground at a pebble to see if it would move. A few more silent moments of awkwardness passed. "So uh, how about that weather?"

"I know all about it, I control it, and before you ask it's because I'm a pegasus so I can control weather."

"I see." I turned back to my side. "So does that mean I can control weather?" I asked after looking over my wings.

"Yeah but it's a complicated process. First you fly, then you push the clouds around." Rainbow waved a hoof in the air to demonstrate the overly complex process.

"Sounds awfully difficult." I said sarcastically.

Rainbow and I went back to staring at the door. Not another word was uttered until the door opened and a violet pony opened the door.

"Sorry it took so long." she said. "I couldn't find the stopper for my potion." she gave a friendly smile and gestured inside. "Come in come in!"

"Thanks Twilight." Rainbow said, she hovered over to the couch and plopped herself down. I trotted in after her and took a chair.

"So, who is he?" Twilight asked after taking a seat next to me.

"He's Cloud Star." Rainbow said quickly. She gave me a quick glare that told me everything I needed to know. This is your name while you're here and you will like it.

"Yeah, I'm Cloud Star." I said nervously.

Twilight sighed. "Rainbow seriously, I know that look. Now who is he really?"

"To be honest, I don't even know."

"What do you mean you don't know?"

"I mean I don't know."

I watched the two mares talk, glancing between each one to keep track of who was who.

"May I interject?" I asked politely.

"Sure." Twilight said.

"Shut up!" Rainbow demanded.

"I'm a human. And this is the most realistic dream I've ever had." I said plainly, not thinking.
` Rainbow and Twilight stared at me with rage and intrigue respectively.

"A human you say?" Twilight asked me.

"Yeah." I said. "Why? Is that bad or something here?"

Twilight's horn glowed and I felt my legs tingle. "This is gonna be fun." She said with a twisted smile.

"What?" Next thing I know, my hooves are in the air above my head and I'm floating behind her to her basement, Rainbow followed.

Chapter 3

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