The warden, the pain, and equestria

by kotor511

Rating: teen
Tags: Princess Celestia, Crossover, Human, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Nightmare Moon, Princess Luna, Original Character, Comedy, Random, Adventure
Length: 6261

Ok here is the deal! A giant with venom in his hands, scratch that, it's actually all over his body, the ponies of equestria on edge with a new, possibly dangerous creature appearing out of the blue, and an evil merchant... why do I deserve this

Uhh... hello, guess I should introduce myself first, right? My name is James. Yes! Just James, I guess my last name doesn't matter that much anymore, not that I will get away from this place anytime soon. If you want, Jimbo is what my friends call me, so that will work just as well.

Aaanyway, where should I start? See first thing I know I'm at this comic convention, after finally completing a costume for myself that took me quite some time to work on... First everything went smoothly, got to see a lot of interesting stuff... until some things went very wrong and I woke up somewhere unexpected. To be honest, I really thought I'd kick the bucket right where I ended up, but as it turns out, not only the place has changed... apparently I have too, to an either spectacular, or disturbing degree.

I'm currently residing in Canterlot Castle, someplace royal and regal, first class in other words to the populace of this entire nation called 'Equestria'.
The reason? The royal pony sisters made me stay here until further notice...

Yeeess, I did say royal pony sisters, because guess what? This land is ruled and populated by relatively small candy colored equines, who just happen to call themselves "ponies", even though it's highly debatable regarding their appearance to regular horses from earth, meaning they are sapient (human intelligence), and are capable of many more humanized facial expressions and gestures, some of them more illogical then others! (Physics and her sister Biology went to sleep It seems).

With two mares called Princess Celestia and Princess Luna at the peak of their Hirarchy, these ponies live in harmonious peace with each other (yeah right and I bet they have the word criminal "not in their dictionaries", as if!)
...
Really now, give me pirates gone wacko any day, but ponies? Seriously?! WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS?!
...
Anyway I decided to write down my story for safe keep, in case someone may be interested to learn what the hell happened to me.

So lean back, as I will once again tell you, done that a lot lately by the way, how my current, and very much unfortunate situation, came to be.
Join me as I explore this new world I was thrown into... or watch me do something stupid every single minute I spend here.

Hopefully 'nopony', gets hurt, or else I won't have a chance to- *grumble, growl* AAUGH! NOT AGAIN!!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An MLP x One Piece crossover, set up as either a 'League of Humans Acting Villainous' or 'League of Humans Acting Heroically' story.
Rated teen for vulgar language. And other atrocities >_>.

Also first attempt on a story, that I may or may not continue.

I regret nothing!

Published 2014-07-01 03:20:07 UTC
Last updated 2015-06-25 01:55:45 UTC

Chocolate replicas, never again! (Improved)

*chirping sounds*

"Uuhhhrgh..."

*breezy winds*

"Uuhhrgh..." just like that I stirred from my unconsciousness.

"Wha-...Where the hell... am I?" I closed my eyes in an attempt to hold back the light of dawn. Damn those sun rays, go bother someone else!

Despite the continuous throbbing in my head, I leaned up from my grassy bed. Grass? Why grass? Did I pass out on my lawn?
After carefully observing my surroundings, while rubbing my forehead with my left, I began to muse out loud. "A forest? Why is there a god damn forest in my backyard? No wait that can't be... Wasn't I back at the convention? Everything is kind of a blur."
Fuzzy memory aside, I tried to stand up as quickly as manageable ... only to fall halfway on my bum again because my balance was off somehow.

"Ooff! What?!" I cried out. Why do I feel so unusually heavy?. Taking a look at my chest, I made certain of what I wore. Sure enough, I still have my costume on, but that shouldn't drag me back to the ground!... Really hope I don't have a concussion or something.

Said costume by the way, was a self-dedicated piece of work I took my pride in. I was cosplaying 'Magellan', a character from the anime series 'One Piece' who was the head warden of 'Impel Down', a high security prison that held some of the most notorious villains of the pirate world. Whenever the vile pirates would attempt to brake out, the warden put them right back in with lethal force of poisonous steam and glibber.

Magellan ate the 'Doku Doku no Mi', a fruit of the paramecia-type that turned him into a 'venom man'. Ever seen 'One Piece'? There are more fruits of different types called Devil Fruits, they can either give you abilities beyond the imaginable, or ludicrous superpowers.

Suffice it to say, he took pride in the name of his 'inescapable prison'.

That only changed when Luffy, main character and soon to be pirate king of the series, with his temporary gang of misfits and weirdos, who caused a massive break out, made it as the first ones to escape Magellan's clutches.

In other words he lost against the 'good guys'. Although he looked a bit intimidating, I never really thought of Magellan as a bad guy, quite the opposite actually, seeing that he had his own goofy quirks. He also had a strong sense of justice and there were quite a few terrible pirates in this world who needed to be locked away securely, in order to keep the citizens of various islands safe. With that positive reflection of the character in mind, I was going to enter a contest for best costume in the category 'anime characters' back at the convention.

A contest I never entered as it seems, which leaves me where I am now... wherever that may be.

After musing a bit about my gained weight, I made a second attempt at standing up, this time more slowly.
When I was straight on both my feet, I began to notice the trees weren't as high as they appeared from when I lay on the ground. In fact everything else seemed smaller then I was used to... and more vibrant in color too, especially the grass.

Did the world shrink while I was out? Nonsense! Come on Jimbo, get your stuff together! What happened?. I saw a butterfly pass by right then... too small if you ask me, it even appeared no bigger than damn bumblebee including the wings and all. Weird.

I finally took a look at myself more thoroughly. Hands, legs and feeling around my head, every limb featuring parts of my costume as it should be. I'm still whole, aside from a small headache, I concluded in my mind, as I looked down. Oh dammit why does the ground look farther away? Did I get high or something? What caused this damn tunnel vision? Well, I do feel slightly woozy, could still be a minor concussion aftera- waitaminute...

Realization hit me like Franky's 'Strong Hammer', when fueled with cola.

"Poisoned! That's it! Now I remember! That merchant gave me a chocolate replica of a 'Devil Fruit'!" it wasn't really a 1:1 copy as it was slightly smaller then my palm, "Uhhrg! That bloody bastard must have put something in it and now I'm in some kind of strange delusional state! My mind is making this all up!... I hope someone is taking care of me in a hospital." I angrily scowled and held my fist to skywards, "Chocolate replicas never again! I swear if I survive this shit, I will sue that asshole!"

Shit indeed. Because exactly that became my next greatest worry, literally. I still remember how it happened the first time.

*grumble, growl* Foreboding sounds began to emit from the lower level of my stomach.

"Huh?" I mused, "Am I getting hungry already? No that's illogical, I'm probably in a hospital right now, wringing out this stuff the merchant gave me. So, why is my sto- OOH MY GOD!"

Not only were my circumstances more than unknown, but that moment my body also regrettably signaled me that it was time to take a dump.

Only 'that' signal felt like an immense and powerful ache, comparable to Luffy's Jet Pistol hitting you beneath your stomach, a feeling that a certain warden figure was just all to familiar with as I recall.

"HOLY SHIIEETT! I gotta go... FAST! IT HURTS! DAMMIT! WHERE IS A GOOD PORTA POTTI WHEN YOU NEED ONE?!" I jumped around frantically as I called out with despair, tears now straining me to keep my eyes open.

Despite my previous musings, the pain made this delusion seem very real to me, and it didn't even occur to me that this pain could just be another illusion or dream, and in reality 'they', whoever that was, may have done something to my body in the infirmary.

So I found myself some fine bush off to the right, in my dire need for relieve. And let me tell you, relieve myself I did.

*Sounds of gases being released*

Needless to say it wasn't pretty, more like the greatest horrors imaginable. I wanted to cosplay Magellan so badly, it seems I got the express card 'Poison man, eats poisoned food and has disgusting diarrhea afterwards' free of charge.
What came out neither resembled half digested pasta al forno I had for lunch, nor the carrot cake I had at the convention.
It was more like a chocolate rain with occasionally bits of small bricks in between shooting out, at least that's how it felt.

After a minute or two of painful release, I must have looked like... well guess what. My facial expression was a mix of 'me gusta' and 'no me gusta' memes all together with an upside down troll face thrown in. I took a large fan like leaf from the bush I was behind, something that you would actually only find in tropical forests, and began to wipe myself with it.

That's when I noticed a flock of small birds falling out of the treetops above me, awfully wringing in pain when they hit the ground... strangely I could swear some of them where making comically gasping sounds.

"Oh man, poor fellas... Must have shocked them! Hard to avoid when you're right underneath them." I frowned, finishing up with wiping myself. "Why didn't they just fly away from the sound? Instead they wait just to drop down like fowl apples... And why do they look like choking? I'd say it felt far worse than it smells, at least for me," I mused out loud again, not really recognizing any disturbing smells in the air. Actually, they couldn't have smelled that so high up in the trees.
While musing about that, I failed to notice something shifting behind my back.

*grooowwwl*

"Aww no man, NOT AGAI- wait that sounded different." T'was true, that sounded less like my digestive system rebelling against me again, more like a growl of some kind of dog.

Wait... a dog?

I turned around hesitantly, looking slightly downwards ... and came to face with something that can only be described as a monster from World of Warcraft.
It looked like some kind of canine or wolf creature made out of wood, twigs and sticks. Two large green glowing eyes, like neon light, where staring into my own with viscous intend, as it snarled with sharpened wooden teeth resembling small knives. Parts of its ear twigs seemed to have molten somehow, with strands of a visible purple steam rising up from them. The occasional leaves around it's face, like a lion's mane of sorts, were withering away too. One of the very sick looking birds had fallen on his head as well

While being the size of a grown up grizzly bear, still can't tell accurately but it felt like that compared to the trees, it seemed really upset.
Already amazed and afraid of this 'timber wolf', another thing then struck me in horrifyingly realization, and I went scared shit-less like Usopp usually does on routine.

It was covered in the amount of tish, that originally came from my chocolate starfish.

Somewhere in the distance of reality, I swear I heard The Great Mighty Poo laughing.

With my wastes dripping from it's face, back and withers, it's expression most accurately bordered the catchphrase "YOU WILL PAY WITH YOUR LIFE!".

I did the only thing I was capable of in such a predicament.

I screamed my lungs out, desperately not trying to sound like a little girl, as it leaped for me.

<<<=======================%%%%--%%%%=========================>>>

It was a good day for Sweet Apple Acres, as the nearby town of Ponyville was in dire need for Applelicious goods only the Apple Family, locally known as the best farmer family, could provide. From sweet treats, to pastries, cakes and all kinds of other baked goods involving apples, they were sure to make them in masses, especially since the entire family was coming from all over Equestria for the big reunion in light of the oncoming festivities.

It was the day of the yearly 'Summer Sun Celebration'.

But not only that, it was also an anniversary, since this was the 1000th celebration of that specific day in pony history.
For such a monumental occasion however, dependable hooves were needed, to complete the preparations in earnest.

Applejack, a well toned orange earth pony mare with a gold-yellow mane and tail, wearing a brown stetson, was tasked to manage the catering for the feast.
This earth pony was the older sister of two more siblings living at the farm of Sweet Apple Acres, and she was co-responsible for the family's business. The other main responsible, being her older brother Big Macintosh, a bulky earth pony stallion whose coat was apple red, sporting a short orange mane and tail.

Both were currently 'bucking' apples from the trees, each kick with their hind legs against the tree trunks sending large piles of apples down into carefully laid out baskets.
The traditional technique of apple bucking was an art for itself, and could only be performed correctly with enough balance between physical power and focus... and a good bunch of apple family genes of course.

As Applejack was about to give another tree a good old hard buck though, her focus was broken by a high pitched noise of sorts, almost sounding like a scream, followed shortly by the faint howling of timber wolves.
That caused her to miss the tree by a few inches and she almost buckled over, before quickly catching herself. Her ears stood at attention with eyes wide as dinner plates, astonished at what she was hearing.

After the noise went down and faded into nothingness, she sported a quizzical expression with a raised eye-brow, as she turned to her brother who only gave her a stoic look in return.

"Just wut in tarnation was that about? Aren't the timber wolves supposed to howl like that when the 'zap apples' are bloomin'?" the orange mare said, clearly confused at what she had just heard.

"Eeyup!" replied the stallion, not really a friend of words.

"But we aren't even nearin' the season," she turned around to face the patch of zap apple trees, holding a hoof flat over her forehead while squinting her eyes. "And ah honestly don't see any zap apples come sproutin' from them trees!"

"Nope!" Again, short to the point.

Applejack shrugged, scratching her chin with her front hoof. "Well ah guess as long as they leave us alone, we shouldn't bother with them possibly come messin' with us. We're busy right now anyway, need to finish those tree patches here before the other family members arrive."

Right than a shrill elderly female voice rang out from the farm house around the orchard like a warning siren, accompanied by the sound of a pot being hit with a big dipper, continuously, causing Applejack to lower her ears against her skull while gritting her teeth.

"THE TIMBERWOLVES ARE HOWLIN'!! THE TIMBERWOLVES ARE HOWLIN'!! THE ZAP APPLES WILL BE GROWIN' SOON!!

"Dagnabit," the cow-mare mumbled while turning around, trotting back towards the barn in a hurry. "GRANNY!! IT'S ALRIGHT! IT WAS ONLY FALSE ALARM! NO ZAP APPLES THIS TIME!"

The red stallion only gave a small chuckle at his granny's antics and AJ's fruitless efforts to calm her. Ignoring the banter behind him, he glanced back towards the Everfree Forest, just in time to see a small faint purple smoke string, steadily arising from the canopy that lay deeper in the forest.

A frown began to form on his face, reassuring himself with a firm "Nope!" With that done he went back to the next apple tree in line.

Never did he expect what was about to happen on this fateful day.

Author's Note

I always wanted to make a story about a One Piece character, and just yesterday I began fishing in the LoHAV/LoHAH folders for stories interesting to me.

Since I liked the idea 'Cosplay guy gets send to equestria and becomes what he cosplayed', I had the sly idea to make a story with a guy cosplaying Magellan, ending up in Celestia's backyard called equestria.

Hopefully there will be more soon, since this was just the beginning.

EDIT: 07/11/2014 EDITED, fixed errors and rephrased certain parts.

Of bushes and... living biting bushes.

A few minutes before Jimbo's arrival...

~The Everfree Forest~
Mysterious as the sun Princess herself, life striving, and extremely dangerous. That is how the forest unbound and free lying between the royal city of Canterlot and Ponyville is known throughout the citizens of both locations. It needs no weather magic, nothing to manage it's growth, it does all on it's own, self providing. A strange and difficult place to all of Equestria indeed.
It is said none who have traversed under its thick canopy, have ever left it's boundaries again. Possibly these poor souls have fallen victim to the countless dangerous plants, fell down unexpected steep cliffs, or fell prey to some of its various predators and other dangerous creatures, of which some where simply unnatural.

One such as the Timberwolf.

No! Not that typical 'canis lupus lycaon' everyone from earth may think about now, but a real Timberwolf, made entirely of sticks, twigs, branches and other tree parts, solely a resident of the Everfree Forest.

Their natural nemesis must be bush fires.

*Cough* Yes, as I was saying the Timberwolf calls the deeper parts of the Everfree its home. These wolves are much bigger then regular wolves, with much more raw timber in them, donated by the forest and it's various trees and bushes.
Those twig-come-to-life monstrosities are some of the prime predators of these woods.

And they are pretty damn proud of it.

One specific individual, felt very proud in particular this day, the pack leader and alpha male of a whole bunch, the bossa nova, he was called 'Raaawrawr'... but since this is Canineish, we'll just call him 'Hard Wood' for convenience.

It was a good day for Hard Wood. Just this early morning he had bested two foreign Timberwolves, from another pack, that tried to overtake his own pack. It was a devastating fight with lots of broken twigs and branches on either side, until Hard Wood smashed his opponents into little splinters, without remorse.
Timberwolf codex has it, yes they do have an unspoken codex, that the challengers would be absorbed into the winners body, to strengthen his own form and growth.

Suffice it to say, 'Hard Wood' evolved into 'Big Hard Wood'.

Now being almost three times the size of a regular Timberwolf, Big Hard Wood felt at the peak of his life! All the other wolves of his pack respected him unquestionably, the females where lying to his paws and wanted nothing more then his tree sap, yes the icky stuff that comes from you know where, and have his little Twig pups.
In other words, Wood guy had a chill day.

Smiling with his achievements, he went to take a nap under a nearby tree, covered in a bit of bush, his pack not far a way from him.
Snoozing into the comfortable dreamland, one that mainly consisted of his own awesomeness, and how he would have endless sessions of procreation with his female counterparts, he was sure nothing could ruin his perfect day of being a great leader and protector of his kin.

That was when all hell broke loose.

Brown... and a tint of purple? That's all what blurred his vision for a few seconds, or was it a whole minute? Anyway, bricks the size of siege weapons attacking a castle's wall were raining down upon him, seemingly trying to shatter his head into pieces, while the stench of something unbearably awful was covering his nose, leaving him no other choice but to inhale the foul stench. He tried to wiggle free, but he lost his orientation in the proceedings of Armageddon, unwilling to open his snout in fear that the foul wastes could reach his taste buds.
There was a slight pain near the tip of his ears and he felt the leaf mane around his head, that had so graciously formed after his adaption of the two challengers, wither and die. More pain was reaching his mind, yet it felt numbing, almost sedating, but it wasn't enough to put him back to sleep, as the stench was sufficient to keep him awake.

Then, it stopped.

Covered in indescribable liquids and other wastes, he risked a glance up to where this foul revenge of karma came from. His eyes went wide with what he was looking at

He certainly wasn't expecting to gaze upon the rear of some creature.

Just then, Birds were falling from the tree he was under, plumbing to the ground as if they had eaten some poisoned food, retching desperately for air. Big Hard Wood felt more like a Small Soft Wood at the moment, as something was obstructing his clear mind and covered him in a haze befuddled he swayed his head left and right trying to grasp what was happening around him.

He heard the rear end of the creature talk, it sounded remorsefully for it's actions but shrugged off the events none the less.

In his clouded state, Big Hard Wood came to a horrifying and stunning realization.
'This creature just emptied it's bowels on me... It took a dump on me! ME! The alpha wolf of this pack! I became it's toilet!'

... All of a sudden, this great day escalated into one of Big Hard Wood's worst days, with that show of utterly disrespect for his rank.

'How dare it!' he thought, pulling himself out of his haze with the feeling of boiling rage for this demeaning gesture.

He was used to creatures running from him.
He was used to their pleading of mercy.
He was used to fending of rival packs, no matter how strong they seemed.

But one strange creature obliviously relieving itself on his head in a bliss of ignorance?

...

Of course you can guess, this meant WAR!

Hard Wood shifted in the thick bush of his resting place and got to his paws, while beginning to growl at the subject of his hatred, showing his teeth. The creature seemed to notice his growls, and slowly turned around in confusion, until it's face met the alpha wolf's snout, staring right into his now furiously burning eyes.

Big Hard Wood was not smiling anymore, he was angry, disturbed and annoyed by this ignorant suicidal creature.

Even if it was a bit bigger than him, he could smell the fear once it realized what it was facing. That was enough to assure Big Hard Wood of his advantage.

Not wasting a second, he pounced the infuriating creature.

And it screamed!

Author's Note

Just trying to show the Timberwolf's perspective of the happenings, so it's a very short chapter, supposed to add more comic relief.

Toxins, and dog plants, also I should have stayed at home.

I don't like shitty days.

The fact that I just took a shit on a half sapient creature as this 'timber wolf', didn't make the situation any better, in fact it made my shitty day what it was. Talk about getting the most definitely wrong message across.

Although, it's not my fault that it looked like a bush.. or a rotten Christmas tree... or anything forest related for that matter.

As soon as I realized my offending deed, the warcraftian wolf called out to his probably not so far away pack members, demanding bloody retaliation for my faux pas.

Then it jumped at me, while more of these beasts appeared out of the bushes behind it. I did notice them to be a bit smaller than the one who swore vengeance at me, I suppose that made it the alpha?

Luckily it missed, as I was sidestepping his attempt to pounce me... well I might have been busy with closing my belt and thus tripped unceremoniously over my own feet, which ended up with the monstrosity crashing into a huge thick rock behind me, as it exploded into several pieces, and me landing once more on my plot.

"Holy shit!" was the most intelligible thing I was able to cry out. While the rest of the pack, about 13 there seemed to be, just stood there watching me picking myself up from the ground. To my horror, as it wasn't yet enough at this point, I noticed the shattered pieces of the Alpha pulling themselves slowly together, realigning, reconstructing it's body.

I very slowly backed away with my mouth agape, slack jawed to see what was happening right in front of me.

Of course I tried to stay as calm as possible, render the situation to my advantage.

But the thing is, if you have about a dozen Pinocchio wolves, snarling at you with small dagger shaped teeth and expressions that promise pain and suffering, with their leader literally performing self-necromancy, you tend to either stay frozen in shock, or scream like a little 5 year old.

Which I did by the way, the latter I mean, as soon as captain alpha pulled himself together, literally.

So given the situation, a whole lot of ass hauling I was capable of, was at the time the best idea. Thankfully my fight or flight senses kicked in soon enough, with flight instinct winning a very one sided struggle. So without further ado, I departed rather quickly, screaming like a maniac, a five year old maniac at that, while the Alpha howled out to his pack for the hunt to begin, giving me an extra boost of fear and haste. The terrorizing aspect of sharp teeth snapping after me in masses, probably helped a lot.

So there I was, running for my sorry ass to stay whole, while being followed by freaking wonderland wolves.

It didn't help that the bushes and branches were thick enough to slow me down at times, with an odd vine, yes freaking vines, plastering the path I took off to. Although tripping over them and falling down did help to avoid a few pounce attempts by the odd pack member.

"Goddammit!" I cursed as I fell on my face yet again, a vine perfectly placed in my way to trip over in a rush. This did save my life though as yet another wolf met it's forefather called mister ugly sturdy tree. I quickly stood up and gave it all I had, almost feeling the pack breathing down my neck. There was a lot of barking , howls and snarls, as well as the sound of stomping feet (I don't think you could call those wooden klutzes paws).

I soon came upon a hanging bridge made of wood, that was connecting two cliff sides. The wolves were still hot in pursuit. I crossed the bridge in a somewhat elegant manner, that is stumbling slightly and landing on my ass for the umpteenth time on the other side. The wolves at first hesitated, giving me enough time to recover and stand up, then they were trying to cross the bridge the way that felt most comfortable and secure to them, which means slowly, apparently they had something against heights, or wooden hanging bridges, their pack leader throwing me looks of utter despise and fury confirmed that theory.

... Or maybe he couldn't wait to tore my already sore behind open.

"Shit! Shit! Shit! What do I do?!" I yelled franticly, not sure how to stop them from crossing the bridge.

I did realize though, this was my chance, I just had to cut them off now... but how? While they were drawing closer to me, I tried to improvise and loosen the ropes connecting the bridge to my side, supporting the hold of it.

Fumbling with the knots in utter failure, damn those thick thumbs, my canine bush hunters drew closer and closer in a steady pace. At this point I was hysteric... well I was hysteric before they started to chase me , but now I was facing my limits of composure, mumbling hastily various prayers to myself. "Dear-god-please-no! Don't-let-them-get-me! Don't-let-them get me! I-don't-want-to-become-dog-meat!"

...okay maybe I wailed some prayers instead, but the situation was pretty fright inducing, you know?

I tried to yank hard on the knot one last time in hopes to open it, with no success whatsoever. The wolves were now half way across the bridge, steadily accelerating for the killing rush.

In a panic, I tried 'the old chop chop' method on these damn ropes, screaming bloody murder at all the strings in the world, promising myself that I'd favor chains for the rest of my life.

What happened though was nothing I ever expected.

I don't know where it came from, but suddenly I felt a surge of power, guiding me to use a sort of... ability I barely had any knowledge of.

I felt my hand getting coated with a sort of liquid shape, cutting messily through the ropes that held the bridge together, spraying small drops of a purple liquid on contact around me.

The wolves barely had a moment to recognize that they were just standing on a collapsing bridge. The ropes loosened as the end of the bridge on my side disconnected its solid hold, causing it to swing back and a few wolves trying to leap towards me, in hope to make it across the chasm.

No such luck though.

I watched as the Alpha did a mighty skip, sailing through the air and touching the earthen edge of my side of the cliff with his front paws, only to loose his grip and fall down into the depths, sharing the fate of a large part of his fellow hunters.

I briefly noticed the Purple mist rising from the spots where I cut the ropes with my hand, as well as where the drops had landed, but was too shocked to ponder on it further, before it dissipated, while the rest of the now clearly decimated pack was still watching their members falling to their demise, including their pack leader, which let out a terrifying death howl, before splashing after about 7 seconds into a raging, but surprisingly soundless, river that went deeper into the forest.

... There was a long pause in my thought process, me trying and failing to figure out what the hell just happened. I gazed at my hand in wonder, with maybe a slight hint of fear that my hand just turned into purple glibber, before it returned to it's natural shape and color, now completely clean. The wolves though, were content to look down the chasm where their leader had just fallen, not moving their attention to me for at least a minute or so, if I had to guess.

As soon as they looked up at me again, I was surprised to find a new expression in their faces... I don't really know how to guess a creature's facial expression from afar if they have glowing neon lights where their eyes should be, must be practical if you want to read at night in bed by the way... not that I thought they could read, nor am I any type of animal expert, or monster guide, but there was something about their demeanor that reflected a certain kind of... trepidation.

Turns out eliminating their leader, or at least defeating them, leaves an impression on the rest of the pack.

Of course, that didn't much matter to me at the time, they were across the cliff with my ass save and sound on the other side, there was no way they could reach me, now.

Taking that as a sign to celebrate my escape, I grinned the most shit eating grin I was capable of and began taunting them as I went for a little victory dance, "Hell yeah! I'm great! I'm hot! No meat for you today, you dogs! Oh yea! You suck! I'm better than your freaking leader mutt!"

It would have been cooler if I didn't slip and landed with my last move on my butt...again, damn that gravity shift! It's starting to burn down there. I'm still getting used to my bigger body... huh I actually do have a bigger now... and a more voluminous body at that... Anyway, as I saw the wolves departing, while some still lingered a little bit longer, not willing to let their prey escape that easily, I stood up again satisfied with my accomplishments. My costume by now must have been a sight to behold, now stained with dirt, leaves and the occasional broken thorn or twig. I may have flipped them the bird to finish up my grand ceremony, but I didn't care, right then and there, I was feeling like the top of the world.

Knowing that I had to find a way out of these cursed woods, as the freaking forest itself just attacked my with it's own minions, I turned to walk into a direction I picked that seemed the most logical way to go, or at least logical enough for me, that is.

Until a familiar pain made it into my digestive systems.

"WHAT?! AGAIN?! OH MY GOD WHY?!", I cried out while holding my stomach area, having no other choice as to pull down my trousers and find the next suitable bush.

Hopefully those would not contain terrible wooden wolf monster that threaten my ass with assassination... bad joke.

"Aahrrggh!"

Again, I spare you the details, there were unnatural guttural sounds, wet splashing noises, and a stench that you probably couldn't imitate with a 3 year old chilly cheese burrito drenched in long since expired hot sauce, with a note of skunk juice.

When I finished my little personal relieve, I felt just as bad as last time, wondering why the hell I got these terrible convulsions... It's almost as if-

"Wait a second... could it be? N-No that's ridiculous ... How would this be possible?" I shook my head slowly in denial, what I just thought must seem ludicrous.

On the contrary, everything I had just witnessed or seen so far seemed impossible to a ridiculous degree, things like wolves made of firewood, who can even pull themselves together again once they break, just don't exist in real life, only on an MMORPG server at best... if it weren't for the pain I felt while having to empty my stomach, and the few dozen times I landed on my already too sore to ignore bum, I would still have continued to believed that I was in intensive care in a hospital, stuck in a dreamy delusional world.

This though? This was far from dreamy. Nightmarish perhaps, but everything felt too real for it to be just in my head.

Then there was the purple flubber hand... and the apparently chronic diarrhea. What's up wit-

I stopped, my train of thought interrupted at an impossible probability that wrangled it's way to the forefront of my mind.

Taking an intense look at my right hand, I tried to bring something forth that happened back then, some sort of power that felt like oozing out of my appendage. To increase tension, I clenched my fist tightly shut, while concentrating to replicate the feeling.

For a few seconds nothing happened... then came the hissing sound, the same hissing sound that those droplets made when they fell to the ground. I watched in astonishment, and shock, as there seemed to be a thick liquid running out of my balled fist, opening it with the palm facing up, I was surprised to find a purple blob of some sort of substance starting to coat my hand, stopping short of my wrist, almost like an extra glove.

There were a few drops falling to the ground beneath me, emitting yet again a hissing sound on contact, while purple mist rose from their area of impact.

Even more disturbing, if also exciting, was A, the strangely foul smell that lingered in the air, and B, the grass and small flowers beneath me withering and dying, as they made contact with the strange ooze, or at least were in the proximity of that purple steam created by it.

I looked over to a nearby tree, pondering a bit, I swung my coated hand towards it, releasing the blob from my hand and letting it crash into the trunk, splashing it all over the tree.

The tree quickly lost all of it's leaves, it withered and died even faster then the flowers, turning a sickly dark purple and unhealthy green, all the while emitting that equally colored mist.

That's when it hit me.

"Poison," I stated with wide eyes,"I just secreted, no, conjured up in my palm a liquid blob of poison"

What was surprising is that plants usually are pretty resistant to most poisons, not doing anything or much to them, yet my purple blob of doom just turned the tree into what is probably the sickest tree in this entire area.

It came to me... for reasons I can't quite comprehend, as the idea became gestalt in my head, considering by the evidence, there was no other explanation.

I am able to use the power of the Doku Doku no Mi (Japanese for Venom-Venom fruit), a Devil Fruit from the world of 'One Piece'.

More so, it seems I turned into Magellan, Chief Warden of Impel Down.

Slowly, I rose my head and looked into the sky, almost whispering to myself "I am the Poison Man," still not quite comprehending that this was indeed true.

And I'm lost in a fantasy forest filled with monsters... Fuuuuck.My head fell at the thought, with me sighing dejectedly.

Just then I noticed something in the corner of my eye... it looked like there were some sort of castle ruins.

I know, you say now "Those are friggin' castle ruins, how could you have overlooked them before?" and you're right. Look I just didn't pay attention to my surroundings much, running from a pack of rabid barking wolves, that are also made of bark, does that to you... at least to me, as that was the most dangerous, and also terrifying, situation I have ever experienced so far in my entire life.

Then I took a painful shit, only to discover that I can make poison with my hands.

So yeah, castle ruins? Not really first priority in this case, much less noticeable when you think about it. You get the point.

With nowhere else to go and nothing better to do, I went to inspect the ruins, possibly set up base camp there or something... I know, I'm not really good with the whole "lost in the woods" schtick. Lets see if it's safe to stay there when it's getting late, after all there was still a bit of a roof holding up.

Who knows, maybe someone still lives there?

At this point, had I known what I was getting myself into, then I would have gladly jumped after the alpha wolf.

Because unbeknownst to me, there was a certain little purple Unicorn having just arrived at a nearby town.

Author's Note

Newly improved chapter, progress is happening.

...Nice!:ajsmug:

Next chapter has ponies again...Yay.