There are things in this world far too horrifying to be mentioned in good taste or described adequately in literature. If a picture is worth a hundred words, then the bizarre nature of the creature featured in this brief tale warrants an epic of its gruesome character. Some, many even, may not be able to genuinely appreciate the turgid mental ichor that seeps into the mind upon learning of truth, corrupting it beyond relief. This truth, is of the abomination known as a duck.

Twilight minded not these terrible things, for she had more on her mind besides this and had not expected anything of great surprise when she walked down the halls for appearance at yet another special Monday Night Raw. She pondered, woefully, what awaited her tonight. Could it be another sentient geometric shape operating off of its own principles of reality? Would it be some odd fish-beast of mesopotamian lore? Perhaps it would be just some creature with an affection for spoons and rusted objects.
She waited behind the curtains, and could already hear the sound of the crowd starting to die down as the introductions to her competitor. She missed his name, only grasping the initials beforehand of HSD, but these misfits she faced against time and again were of no great importance and never reoccured.

“And to face off against our horse-sized competitor, we brought in the workhorse of Smackdown, Twilight Sparkle!”

That was her cue, and she strode onto the entry ramp and waved a hoof to the crowd. These good people that she hardly knew cheered for her as though she were a beloved idle to them. While this was still something to get used to, she managed to adapt by now, as she had when she first got her wings. But, she couldn’t very well just stand around waving to the fans, and so she ceased and proceeded down the ramp.

Half way along, she immediately stopped to size up her opponent, only to find that upon a proper and accurate estimation she felt a shudder violently pass its way along her body, like a tidal wave of fear crashed against her very spirit. But she was not lucky to leave the mortal realm of mortal threats.

“Would you look at that, King? I think your little work horse is getting afraid!”

“Maybe a little, I mean would you look at his foe?”

And indeed, simply glancing at this monster that stood in the ring, waiting for the presence of one Twilight Sparkle, would be enough to disturb the sane and rational mind. With webbed orange feet stained brown in spots from mud, and a flattened, tan, paddle-like bill on its face one could see it was more than well equipped to smash any and all in its path. Couple this with its insidiously gorgeous brown and gray feather scheme that transitioned abruptly via a white collar into a beetle-green head, provided for a deceptive beast in its ordinary state. This uncommon mallard, however, was far different than most. It was the size of a horse.

“But we all know Twilight, and he hasn’t shied away from a fight and he’ll fight anyone!”

Twilight, upon realizing her foe, immediately turned away and started walking back up the ramp. She did not want to die today in addition to whatever this giant flipping duck had to offer.

“No, Twilight, stop shying away! Somebody stop him!”

The crowd booed and the fans begged Twilight not to forfeit, but she would not listen and continued along her way. However, one last comment from JR did happen to change this.

“Wait, what is this?” She then heard a resounding metal clang which caused her to turn her head back to the ring, only to see none other than Gregory Helms armed with a steel chair standing over the knocked-over giant duck.

“It seems like Gregory Helms isn’t about to let his fellow wrestler face this new guy alone!”

Gregory Helms smashed the duck one more time and hopped out of the ring and waved to Twilight. “Yo, get your butt back in here and beat up this duck!”

Now knowing that she wasn’t alone in this, Twilight galloped her way to the ring and flew right over the ropes, landing in front of the duck that began to get to its senses and arrived back on its big goofy orange feet.

“Quack quack quawk!”

“Yeah, well, you too!”

And so Twilight the winged unicorn and the horse-sized duck grappled at one another, hoof to feather and beak to horn, trying to get the edge over one another. But they were not evenly matched, and while Twilight lacked the duck’s natural tendency towards abominable acts, she had far greater strength from her time in wrestling and tossed the duck right into one of the turnbuckles.

“Looks like we got the match off right! And Twilight starts off with cornering her opponent.”

Twilight ran right to the duck, span on her front hooves, and bucked it right in its big dumb ugly duck face!

“Oof! Right in the kisser!”

“Now King, I know for a fact ducks don’t kiss. They kill. And they don’t stop at that!”

“Well come on, even animals gotta eat, right?”

“That’s right, King. That’s right.”

The duck was stunned but relied on its natural instinct and bit Twilight on the neck. With her in its grip, it threw her over the ropes and let her slam outside. Not wishing to tangle with a foe it could not gain the immediate advantage over, nature’s scumbag, the duck, began to beat its horse-sized wings and flew into the air, but could not escape as the arena was a closed area.

“The duck is going, the duck is goi-” Jerry Lawler began, before spotting the duck flying away. “Oh, the duck is gone. Uh, do we even have rules about this?”

“I have no clue. Does anybody have a T-shirt cannon nearby? We might need it if this wrestler won’t come back.”

“Wait, no!” Jerry stood up and pointed over to the recovering Twilight. “Twilight looks like he’s got a plan!”

And indeed she did. Twilight saw the duck flying away, and was like “You’re not getting away that easily!” And she took to the air herself.

“What the hay? Jerry, do you see this?”

“Yes I do, JR. You know what this means?”

“Cheech Marin and Tommy Chong are in charge of the ventilation repair again?”

“No, it means Twilight’s one of the best jumpers WWE has ever seen!”

Twilight sped up and managed to fly in front of the nature’s most evil creature and greatest mistake. “Duck, you have been a plague on all creatures big and small, do you have any last words?”

“Quack.”

Twilight ignored its vile insult and flew behind it, and wrapped her forehooves around it from the back, clutching its wings to its side and preventing it from being able to fly. She then followed suit and held her wings back and guided the duo towards the center of the ring.

“What’s this? No way, it can’t be!”

“My god, I think he’s going to do it!”

Falling together, Twilight slammed the oversized avian right on it’s neck in the center of the ring with the combined force of gravity and both their weights!

“THE WORLD’S BIGGEST SUPLEX!”

“I swear to god, he’s broken in half!”

Twilight released her grip and quickly secured the pin.

“One, two, three!” And with that the referee declared the victory over the horrible monster.

When the bell rang, Gregory came up from ringside and helped Twilight back on her four hooves. “Man, you rocked it out there!”

“Thanks Gregory, but it’s not over yet.”

Gregory Helms nodded and handed Twilight a spare folding chair as he lifted his own over his head. Together, they began smashing the duck well into the night. Normally, one may consider this a heel-turn, but ducks are a special exception along with Adolph Hitler and your mother’s stew which I still attest must be alive.

Author's Note

Man, I would rather fight a hundred duck-sized horses than a horse sized duck. Ducks are the honey badgers of the avian kingdom. You thought it was hawks? No!