When retarded stuff happen...
The Case of the Stolen Nutella Chocolate Cake
Celestia yawned as she awoke from her slumber. She was up quickly, as today she would finally be able to have something she'd been wanting for a long time. She met Luna out on the balcony, getting the task of raising the sun over with. Immediately afterwards, she went to the kitchen. It was huge, as expected. When you had billions of bits in underground safes, it was kind of obvious.
The Princess of the Sun trotted to a big, silvery refrigerator, already licking her lips in anticipation of what was to come. She licked her lips as she imagined it: a delicious, creamy, soft Nutella chocolate cake, filled with only the best truffles in Equestria. The delicious desert had been made by none other than Chef Gustave Le Grand himself.
Reaching the refrigerator, she eagerly opened the door with her magic. She looked inside... And her eyes almost popped out of her head. The cake was gone!
The castle walls trembled under the scream that left Celestia's lungs, and she fainted.
“Oh, oh! Do you think she'll wake up now?!” An extremely squeaky voice asked, grating on Celestia's ears.
Pinkie Pie… Why is it always Pinkie Pie…
“Pinkie, ya already asked that ‘bout thirty times. Quit being in such a rush!” A mare with a country accent could be heard. Applejack.
“Oh darling, I’m so worried about our dear princess that in a little while I’ll be fainting too! And then, all of you will have one more thing to worry about.” An elegant and dramatic voice said. Rarity.
“Oh my, I-I… I don’t know how to nurse ponies, only animals, b-but I’m sure something really bad must have happened to her. Poor Princess!” said a soft and hesitant voice. Fluttershy.
“Can I leave now? This is sooooo boring!” A very bored voice asked. Rainbow Dash, who naturally was annoyed for not being able to do something ‘cool’.
“No Rainbow. Everypony needs to be patient and wait until she wak- Oh look, she’s waking up!” It was her apprentice, Twilight Sparkle.
Ok, so my ponies are worried about me... I have fallen asleep, what's making them so worried? Wait, the refrigerator... My special Nutella Chocolate cake!
“He’s gone!” Was the first thing Celestia said, bolting up from her bed.
“Who’s gone, sister? Who has died?” Asked Princess Luna, with a confused frown stamped in her face. Luna’s mane was a terrible mess, in fact, Tiberius, the princess pet skunk, was peacefully sleeping inside her tangled hair. She was still in her violet robe – dark circles under her eyes.
“My cake! My beloved and precious cake! He's gone! And I want to see the culprit in chains before me!” Celestia bellowed, almost in tears; Luna on the other hand, just stared at her sister with an expression of complete disbelief.
“Is she serious? A cake? Ya must be kidding me!” The farm pony said, she sat down and snorted.
“I am not! And you Twilight, must find out who was the idiot, damned, bastard, who had to...”
Forty minutes later…
“… Of course he must be caught, whoever stole my precious chocolate Nutella cake, made by none other than Chef Gustave Le Grand, filled with the best truffles of the entire universe! This is your job Twilight Sparkle. I don’t even want to mention what I’m going to do with the pony, be a mare or stallion – But I assure you, he’ll suffer!”
After that whole speech, most of which was omitted to save time and our readers' sanity, the sun princess sat on her bed, and gave Twilight a creepy smile. “Find this pony Twilight, and bring him for me!”
“Uh… Yes, Princess Celestia...”
I suppose…
Twilight turned around to face her friends. Luna wasn’t there anymore, and Philomena, Celestia’s phoenix, was gone from her perch. Twilight grimaced as she spotted Rainbow Dash drooling over a couch, Rarity still wiping tears out from her face (Twilight didn’t knew if it was pure idiocy or if she was just staging a fake cry), Pinkie randomly smiling, Applejack looking terribly bored, and Fluttershy… Fluttershy ignored the whole situation, and just played with a little mouse that came out from a hole in the wall.
The creature was in panic. Pinkie Pie had taken him out of the yellow Pegasus' hooves, the poor thing having almost died from lack of air after so many squeezes.
“Attention!” Twilight shouted. Rainbow fell off the couch, almost choking with her own drool, Applejack merely glanced up at her, Rarity stopped her incessant wiping. Pinkie Pie finally let the rat go, and Fluttershy quickly placed the creature back on its hole.
“Dammit Twilight! You keep doing that and you’ll kill me!” Said a still coughing Rainbow Dash. Applejack just laughed at her, which earned the apple farmer a glare and a punch from Rainbow. Soon, booth of them were rolling on the ground, trying to punch each other.
“That’s enough!” Twilight yelled. The two ponies stopped the silly fight, Applejack still holding Rainbow in place. “Very well… We have a case in our hooves; now follow me so we can figure out what happened!”
Everypony left Celestia’s chambers, where she still sobbed.
“I already have some suspects that may be responsible for the cake robbery.” The mares gasped. (Except Applejack and Dash)
“And who would be, darling?” Asked Rarity
“Princess Luna, Philomena, Gustave Le Grand himself, or unfortunately… Spike.”
“That’s it, I’m leaving!” Rainbow said as she flew away. “I refuse to take part on this bullshit; It’s just a stupid cake!”
“Me too, ah’m out. Y’all stay here doing this nonsense!” And Applejack was gone.
“Ah… Very well then; any pony else will be so kind as to leave me?” She heard no replies.
“Okay, now allow me to explain. Fluttershy and Rarity, you two aren’t coming with me; instead, you’ll stay with Pinkie and try to find more suspects. And also… Come closer.” The two ponies approached.
“Please, for Faust’s sake, hold this pony! Don’t let Pinkie Pie try to investigate ‘seriously’ this case! Understood?”
“Yes!” They nodded at the same time.
“Why Twilight? Do you think I can’t?” And suddenly, Pinkie Pie was right beside them the whole time, listening to everything. “Cause I can! Moreover, I can be your partner! Just like old times! Don’t you remember the MMMM Incident? I want to do it exactly like that so we could even become real investigators after that! Or is it even more real investigators? Were we real investigators after that, Twilight? Because we didn't get any investigator badges. Or hats. Or bubble blowing thingies that look like pipes. Or magnifying glasses. Or-”
“Pinkie! You… I... Ugh, never mind. You can come with me, but please, for Celestia’s sake, don’t do anything crazy!”
“And what should we do then?” asked Rarity.
“Take care of the Princess; make sure she won’t turn her room into a pool of tears.” With that, Twilight and the hyperactive pony left.
Pinkie wouldn’t shut her mouth even for a second. Twilight just ignored her, concentrating on the best interrogation methods for their first suspect: Spike, her baby dragon.
“Cake? Was it made of gemstones? Because I like that, as you already know,” said Spike calmly. The small dragon sat face to face with Twilight and her ‘partner’. Pinkie smoked a bubble pipe, which she had stolen from Twilight.
Both ponies wore Sherclop and Watson clothes, but this time, Twilight was Sherclop, and Pinkie Watson. The purple alicorn hit Pinkie Pie’s head, making her drop the pipe and pay attention.
“Spike, tell me. We have been here the entire week, and you spent the whole of yesterday afternoon reading those comics... Could you please describe what more have you done yesterday?” The Princess inquired.
“I just read a little bit more and then I slept, enjoying an entire bed all to myself for the first time in my entire life! Could you please buy a bed for me Twi?” Spike asked with shining eyes.
“Objection!” Pinkie Pie shouted. Twilight and Spike jumped in surprise.
“Sigh... What, Pinkie?”
“He’s lying! And I can prove it!” She said enthusiastically.
“How? I didn’t steal the cake, much less eat it!” The dragon frowned.
“The only way to know the truth is…”
After a long walk to the hospital…
“… Take an X-Ray from his belly!”
“Really? You brought us here for that?! Pinkie, by now, the cake would have already been digested! There'd be nothing left to see! Besides, Spike would never lie. I swear, if something happened to Applejack, he would be the new Element of Honesty!” Twilight was mad, Pinkie Pie was ruining everything, again.
“Oh, no, not me. Remember when you tried to make me replace Rainbow Dash for loyalty?” Spike asked. He was ignored by the two girls.
“Oh… Well… I guess, Twilight. Okie dokie lokie! Let’s go back to the castle!” Pinkie left the doctor’s room, a pink cloud forming her shape for a millisecond before vanishing. Twilight just facehooved and set Spike on her back.
“You know, I think I’m getting old for this job... And all the crazy people…” The doctor muttered.
“Next suspect: You, Gustave Le Grand!” Le Grand stood beside his stove, stirring a cooking pot while looking at Pinkie (who was currently devouring a great banquet of free pastry) and Twilight in front of him.
“Me? The griffon who baked that cake? Preposterous. Le Grand would never do such a thing. I was casually flying around, when I decided to have some banana juice at the kitchen. Celestia says it’s delicious. And I definitely must agree with her!”
“Okaaay… Uh… Haven’t you seen anything strange?” Twilight asked.
“And what he was supposed to see? An alien on a bicycle flying over the moon?” Rainbow Dash walked inside the kitchen.
“You know, I don’t remember asking you the question, Rainbow. Besides, you’re not even helping us. Why are you here? Just go away.” Twilight said. Rainbow walked to her, raised a hoof in the air and- *Slap*
Pinkie Pie stopped eating when she heard the sound, mostly because she was now choking. Dash laughed at Twilight face. The purple mare now had two red things: her flank and her cheeks.
“RAINBOW DASH!”
“I’m gone!” the Pegasus flew away at a speed that would put even her sonic rainboom to shame.
“Argh!” Twilight groaned. “So Le Grand, my previous question…”
“No. I have not seen anything unusual. In fact, I went to sleep after two or three flights and my juice. I believe it was... past midnight before I finally hit the nest.” He said as he rubbed his chin with a talon.
“Well that doesn't help us. Pinkie, who-”
“Wait, I do seem to recall something. As I was making my way to my room, I heard a door open and somepony walking down some stairs. I also heard wing beats, but it was likely just Philomena. Oh, and some funny noises that I couldn't identify. It almost sounded like... moaning? Yes, moaning. Although why there was such a noise, I cannot fathom.”
“Aha! A clue!” Twilight pulled out a quill and some paper from some other dimension where she just so happened to store a near-infinite supply of ready to use paper and quills. “Gustave Le Grand heard noises.” She said as she wrote, sounding out the words carefully.
“Oh, oh! I know! Maybe it was just some of the guards in the room!”
“Pinkie! What are you insinuating?” Twilight stared at her.
Pinkie reached for another pastry, but had her hoof slapped by Gustave. “Those are for other ponies as well! No more!”
Despite the sadness on her face, Pinkie explained. “Well, all the guards are colts, so they must be colt cuddlers! I know a colt cuddler guard. And I think he has a coltfriend. What if some guards were doing the same thing? It's possible, you know. And you've done it with Trixie before, Twilight. Don't you remember? You woke me up in the middle of the night, along with most of the town! And I live a long ways away from you. Maybe it was your first-”
“PINKIE! THAT'S ENOUGH!” Twilight couldn't physically be more red without outside help. “Le Grand does not need to hear that!”
The griffon in question was looking at them blankly, though there was a ghost of a smile on his beak.
Pinkie, it seemed, had opted to ignore her.
“Took almost a week for you to stop muttering under your breath about it. 'Trixie knows some good magic tricks', right?”
A purple flash blinded the two for a moment, and when they looked up, Twilight was gone.
“Huh. I wonder where she went... Oh well. Thanks for the clue, Gustave!” Pinkie turned to leave as Gustave turned back to his cooking.
“Um, can I have just one more eclaire?”
“So you saw two of the guards kissing? Oh my...” Fluttershy squeaked. Philomena just nodded in affirmation.
“Told you, Twilight!” Once Pinkie had found her (around an hour later, even with her Pinkie Sense), they had decided to question the Phoenix.
Twilight facehooved again. Of course she was right…
“And they were making all the noises?” The pink pony asked.
Pinkie... We really don't need that information…
“Oh no. Philomena says that we're guessing everything wrong. The guards were actually...” Fluttershy let out an almost inaudible 'eep' and her wings shot up with a POOMF. “I'm... not going to say that...”
Twilight looked at the bird, and could almost swear there was a smirk on its face. But it was gone quickly. Philomena pulled out a quill and paper from the Twilight Zone of quills and paper and began to write.
I saw my owner's sister coming down the stairs. She should have flown, so there would be less noise, but oh well. She headed to the kitchen, with Tiberius. She took the cake from the fridge, and went upstairs again. I haven't seen her or Tiberius since.
The mares gasped at the news.
“I knew it! I knew it was Luna!” Twilight started a victory dance. A rather terrible victory dance. Philomena covered her eyes with a wing, and Rarity, having joined them again, began crying outright.
“Please, Twilight, no more dancing! Please, my eyes hurt!” She wailed. Twilight stopped and glared at her.
“We should go to Luna's room anyways. Come! We shall confront the theif!” Twilight reared dramatically and galloped out of the room. The others rolled their eyes and followed at a slower pace.
“Luna!” Twilight burst into the Princess' room. “Confess!”
Ah, Twilight Sparkle! Just the mare we wished to see! We would ask thee an important question! Do you want to go out with us? Please say yes, please please pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease, say yes?”
“You're avoiding the topic at hand Luna! We said- ...Wait, what!?”
“Nay, finish your topic, then we shall move to ours.”
“Ok... Anyways, confess!”
“Confess what? My love for thee? That has already been done.”
“Argh, no. Confess to the cake theft! Where exactly were you at 12:45 last night?” Twilight advanced further into the room. “And what is that... delicious fragrance I smell?”
“'Tis our perfume, of course! Because I'm incredibly sexy!” Luna waggled her eyebrows at Twilight, a half smile on her face. She started walking towards Twilight, slowly.
Twilight held out a hoof and stopped her. “Enough with this nonesense! Where were you?”
Luna sighed. “We were in our chambers. It was moments before we left the castle. We decided we needed company. Female company. And so we went and got ourselves a suitable mare and-”
“That's not true!”
“'Tis true! We swear it on ourcookbook that we cannot actually cook from! Or art thou just jealous?”
“W-what? No, I-”
“Admit it, Starbutt! Thou knows thou art our favorite mare! And if it is privacy you desire, we can order the pink one out of the room, and show thee exactly what we had done yesterday...” Luna leaned in and whispered in Twilight's ear. “And we could even do so much better.
“W-we have eye witnesses that say that you were downstairs in the kitchen!” Twilight attempted to regain her composure. “They saw you!”
“Come now, Twilight. Put away this silly matter and let me show you what a Princess can really do...”
“Stop trying to seduce me!” Twilight shouted.
“Silly Twilight. Nopony can resist my sultry voice!”
Twilight struggled to find ground, to keep her head. Finally, a thought came to her. “If you really were with a mare, then prove it!”
Luna didn't even hesitate. “Here.” She levitated out two pairs of white socks, and then another couple pairs of smaller, gray ones. “See? Evidence I had another mare here! These socks couldn't fit me!”
“No, they wouldn't...” Twilight said, looking defeated.
“But they would fit you absolutely perfectly, Twilight Sparkle. Consider my offer please. You would look so naughty in these socks...”
But Twilight's mind was elsewhere. “So if you were... then he... Gustave lied!”
Pinkie gasped. “He did! That lying liar lied! Lied through his teeth! Or beak! But he lied! ...How did he lie?”
“Let's go, Pinkie! We need to get to the kitchen! I'll teleport us!” There was a flash, and the two disappeared.
Luna sighed, discouraged, but hopeful.
“One day, Tiberius. One day, we shall have Twilight Sparkle as our own. And it will be delicious...”
“Gustave Le Grand! You are the culprit!” Twilight yelled as she popped into the kitchen with Pinkie.
“Yes! Culprit, culprit, culprit!” Pinkie stared him down. “Now Princess Celestia will make you suffer the consequences!”
“Twilight, Pinkie! Enough!” Celestia walked through the doors. “It is time for you two to know the truth.”
“We found the truth!”
“No, you haven't.” Celestia sighed. “I... I'm a sleepwalker. I wanted to blame somepony, anypony, so I sent you two on the quest to find the somepony. It's not Gustave's fault.”
“I told you!” The griffon said indignantly.
“I could say it was the fault in our stars, but it doesn't matter anymore...”
“So... We spent all this time looking for a culprit who didn't exist!?”
“Yes. It’s my fault. I didn’t remember that I had eaten it. Then I slipped on some wet floor, hit my head, and remembered.”
“A-are you serious? After everything I did, only to discover that-” She pressed her temples. “Dear Faust… This case is closed, I’m going to Luna’s room!” Twilight yanked off her detective suit and vanished with a magic spell.
“Ah…” Celestia cocked an eyebrow. “W-what is she going to do in my sister’s chambers?” She asked Pinkie.
“Believe me princess, you don’t want to know… You really don’t.”
