Hank's a Big Stupid-Head Who Doesn't Deserve Honor

by AppleDashWINS

Rating: everyone
Tags: Comedy, Romance, Slice of Life
Length: 817

What makes a true pony? Ability? Personality? Why, it's one's name, of course! Hank knows love and respect are hard to come by without a cool moniker to label yourself with, which Hank is not. But will that stop him from chasing his dreams?

What makes a true pony? Ability? Personality? Why, it's one's name, of course! Hank knows love and respect are hard to come by without a cool moniker to label yourself with, which Hank is not. But will that stop him from chasing his dreams? Maybe! He has done well to earn the favor the princesses, especially Princess Twilight for whom he yearned for so long, and even inspired him to become the best soldier he can be. But in his proudest moment, he fears that once again, his awfully bland name will ruin everything.

Written for the Twilight Sparkle's Secret Shipping Folder Card Game Bad Fanfiction Contest!
http://tsssf-tcg.tumblr.com/post/88875753161/hey-you-guys-with-our-indiegogo-exploding-like-it
Based on the flavor text of the card "Royal Guard Hank."
Cover art by Pixel Prism

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2014-06-30 21:42:10 UTC

The Ceremony

Sol iustitiae illustra nos.

Those four words meant a lot to Celestia's Royal Guard. These words are inscribed upon a badge of valor, a symbol of honor and glory granted to those who earn it through the greatest efforts: The Celestial Cross. The ceremony is attended by the highest ranking in the military, along with the four royal princesses passing in order of coronation.

Behind the great Princess of the Sun, her sister, and the married couple celebrated by all of Equestria walked the newest Princess, Twilight Sparkle. She beamed beautifully as she walked down the hall, a beautiful smile that could capture the heart of anypony who was into mares and also around her age with one look. The morning sun made her mane glisten beautifully and walked as elegantly as possible to make it shimmer as beautifully as it can, as every pony in the room was admiring her beauty. She was given a list of the names and ranks of these honored fellows, memorizing each and every one of them. As she passed them, she read out their name and shot them a smile.

Many knew that the true mark of a pony that matters is their name, as it’s the thing that has to look good on a medal. It is the first thing most ponies will know of you and, almost without fail, informs others of who you are. Such as Princess Luna as the master of the night, Shining Armour as a brave and honored guard, and even Doughnut Joe as one who sells many a doughnut and many cups of Joe. And most importantly, they all sound really cool when you say them. It is for this reason that the newest princess gave a smile to each guard as she said their name, for there were some great ones.

"Sir Blitzkrieg! Captain Stormchaser! Private Nor’easter!" she smiled, feeling proud of these ponies as she called the names. She could feel the glory and honor radiating from them, "Major Typhoon! Lance Corporal Lance! H-"

She stopped at the last pony. It was not that this pony was extraordinary, he was in fact extra-ordinary. There was nothing notable about this pony whatsoever. His coat was a common white that nopony would notice, with his mane being only a paler blue that was particularly bland. His cutie mark was so common and forgettable it cannot even be described with words. And his name...

If Hank had one wish, it would be that his parents were creative. Here he stood, next to Major Typhoon, Lance Corporal Lance, Princess Luna... As the least interesting name anyone could ever comprehend. Hank the Pegasus. Just another face in the crowd. It hurt him. It really hurt him. It haunted his dreams and fantasies. Hank. Just thinking about it dashed his hopes. Hank. Why did his parents name him so? Did they want him to live in eternal embarrassment? Hank. He knew there was no way in Equestria anypony would respect anyone with such an awful moniker.

Why did he even come to this ceremony? It was a fleeting moment of happiness, followed by the crushing blow of despair. He was greeted once more by his name's torment as the beloved Princess Twilight would not lower herself to say his pathetic name. Ever since he was recruited, ever since he laid eyes on the purple princess, he felt a strong attachment… Was it love? Infatuation? He didn’t know, but he did know that he wanted to be with Twilight forever and then some. His love for her went on to drive him to be a better soldier—nay, the best!—and many of his actions since then have led up to this moment, one of the proudest of his life… but once again, his stupid name was going to ruin everything. Day in and day out, Hank the Pegasus Guard watched the beautiful protégé of the princess and he yearned… but he knew she could never love a pony named Hank, which is a terrible name. His heart dropped lower than ever before, as he heard the Princess stop talking. Nothing more than a mere fraction of the name... That was all he was worth, a fraction of the ponies next to him…

He heard a clunk and felt some metal being pressed to his chest. He looked up to see the Princess smiling at him, her hoof pinning a badge to him. She looked him in the eyes and spoke in a cheery voice, louder than the previous names:

"Private Hank!"

Hank's sorrow fled from him as the Princess walked on, his heart rising to new heights as she looked back at him with a soft smile. He returned the smile to the Princess as he held the badge, a badge with four words of weight that meant more than any name.

Sol iustitiae illustra nos.