Daring Derp

by CartsBeforeHorses

Rating: everyone
Tags: Adventure, Derpy Hooves, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Rainbow Dash, Comedy, Spike, Daring Do
Length: 7574

When A.K. Yearling is injured, Derpy Hooves is tasked with ghostwriting the next Daring Do novel. But when Derpy takes the series in a different direction, Twilight Sparkle and Rainbow Dash are upset, to say the least.

When A.K. Yearling is injured, Derpy Hooves is tasked with ghostwriting the next Daring Do novel. But when Derpy takes the series in a different direction, Twilight Sparkle and Rainbow Dash are upset, to say the least. Now, they must cope with the diehard, blind fans of the terrible new series while trying to stop Derpy Hooves from ruining it any further.

Published 2014-07-13 02:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2014-07-13 02:10:01 UTC

A.K. Yearling and the Coma Contract Conundrum

The suited, bespectacled earth lawyer narrowed his eyes, gazing at the wall-eyed grey pegasus who stood across the desk from him.

“Thank you for coming here, Miss Ditzy Do,” he said.

She blushed. “Oh, it’s Ditzy Hooves now, Mister Legalese. I recently married. And I go by my middle name, so you can call me Derpy.”

“I see,” said Legalese, brushing his jet-black hair out of his eyes as he gazed down at the piece of paper on the desk below him. “Well, it says here that you are Daring Do’s sister, making you her next of kin.”

Derpy’s eyes wobbled up and down, and she smiled. “That’s me!”

“As I’m sure that you are aware, Miss Do injured herself severely when swinging on a jungle vine and crashing into an ancient temple wall.”

“Yeah, how clumsy of her!” Derpy giggled. “Normally that’s a mistake like I would make. I broke a town hall once, you know.”

The lawyer sighed. “She hit her head a bit too hard, and ended up in a coma.”

“Yeah, I went to see her in the hospital,” said Derpy.

Legalese said, “That was a week ago, and the doctors say that they don’t know when she will come out, if ever. It could be months, weeks, even years.”

Derpy’s jaw gaped.

“Yes,” said the lawyer. “Which means that I, as her lawyer, am appointing a trustee to look after her estate in the interim, however long that may be. I, of course, will be taking an administrative fee of ten percent per annum—”

Derpy chuckled. “For sitting on your flank? That seems a bit high.”

The lawyer gasped. “I’ll have you know, Mrs. Hooves, that being a lawyer for somepony’s estate is hard work! There are all sorts of administrative tasks that I have to do!”

“Oh yeah? Like what?” asked Derpy, crossing her arms.

“Er… um…” the lawyer started, shifting his eyes around, “All sorts of things! I have to handle book royalties, taxes, copyrights, and make sure that any homeless ponies who traipse onto her land and trip on a rock don’t sue her for millions of bits! If a burglar breaks into her woodland cottage and trips on the porch, he could sue her!”

“But how could they sue for that? Isn’t that their fault for breaking and entering?” asked Derpy.

“No, it isn’t!” the lawyer exclaimed, slamming his hoof on the table. “I’ve won several burglar torts, I’ll have you know.”

“...Oh,” said Derpy, her head sinking at the sorry state of Equestria’s legal system.

“Anyway,” said the lawyer, “you will be put in charge of making executive decisions regarding her estate, finances, and intellectual property, including the Daring Do book series, until she wakes up and can take charge of them again.”

Derpy’s eyes widened and she threw her hooves in the air. “Oh my gosh, that reminds me! The next Daring Do book was supposed to come out soon!”

“Yes, that was another thing that I wanted to bring up,” said the lawyer. “Miss Do, pen name ‘A. K. Yearling,’ has a contract with her publishing agency which requires her to write a book every two months. I’ve gone through her effects, and it doesn’t appear that she has recorded her latest adventure.”

“Well, duh, she slammed into a wall, silly,” said Derpy, giggling. “How could she have?”

Legalese shook his head. “Back when Miss Do signed the contract with Foalastic publishing, before she retained me, she had no idea how successful her books would be. Back then, she was a naive, struggling author, and probably would have agreed to have her books put on the shelves in exchange for a used wad of chewing gum. The contract stipulates that, in the event of injury, death, or inability to publish the next Daring Do book, the book will be ghostwritten by the party of Miss Do’s choosing. Failing that, the contract terminates.”

“Okay,” said Derpy, shrugging. “So what’s the problem? Just contact the ghostwriter.”

The lawyer sighed, frowning. “Miss Do never had a ghostwriter. She took great pride in writing only about her own adventures that actually happened in real life, and she seemed to be under the false impression that she was invincible.”

“Of course she’s invincible! She’s the fastest, strongest, and bravest adventurer ever known to ponykind!” Derpy proclaimed, jumping out of her seat.

“Yes, and now she’s the limpest, weakest, and mellowest coma patient ever known to ponykind,” the lawyer quipped. “And since she never appointed a ghostwriter, the contract law stipulates that this duty falls to her next of kin.”

Derpy blinked, her eyes crossing.

“That would be you, Mrs. Hooves.”

Derpy’s jaw dropped. “But… I’ve never written anything before! I’m just a mailmare. Why don’t we just let the contract lapse?”

Legalese shook his head. “There’s another problem with that. You see, the contract contains a noncompete clause. If the contract lapses, it stipulates that Miss Do agrees to never publish the Daring Do series with another publishing agency.”

Derpy’s eyes trembled. “So what you’re telling me is, if there isn’t a Daring Do book written in the next month—”

“—Then there might never be any more Daring Do books,” the lawyer completed Derpy’s thought. “Intellectual property law is a real bear, Mrs. Hooves.”

Derpy gasped. “Oh no! But… I mean, that doesn’t mean I need to write it. Why me? Can’t somepony else write it?”

The lawyer shook his head. “Miss Do wouldn’t trust anypony else. She was very reclusive.”

Derpy looked at Legalese with puppy dog eyes. “Can’t you write it, Legalese?”

The lawyer laughed. “My only writing experience is with dry legal briefs, depositions, and wordy cease & desist orders. Unless you want the next Daring Do book to be called ‘Daring Do and the Document Discovery—’”

“Point taken,” said Derpy Hooves, chuckling.

“This book series means so much to your sister, Mrs. Hooves. If, three months from now, she wakes up and discovers that the book series is gone forever, she’d be crushed. But if she wakes up and discovers that I’ve appointed a ghostwriter that she doesn’t even know, she’d be livid. You’re her sister. She trusts you.”

“Yeah, she and I are best sisters forever!” Derpy exclaimed.

“And think of all of the fans of the series,” said the lawyer. “Do you want to let them all down when they find out that there’s no more Daring Do books?”

“Well, no,” said Derpy. “But I don’t want them to be disappointed with whatever I write, since I’m not, you know, a writer.”

The lawyer waved his hoof in the air. “Don’t worry about that. Lots of book series are ghostwritten. The Horsey Boys. The Ponymorphs. The Colt Files. Like those, the Daring Do series is marketed as young adult fiction, so you don’t even have to try that hard. Just write one, maybe two of the books, and then when Daring Do awakes, she can pick the torch back up. The fans probably won’t even notice the difference.”

Derpy smiled, lifting her head up. “I’ll see what I can do.”

Legalese smiled. “That’s the spirit.”

They shook hooves and Derpy left the room.

Daring Do and the Tyrannosaurus Temple

“Twilight.”

The alicorn mumbled as she shifted around in her bed.

“Twilight.”

Twilight Sparkle reached over with her hoof and grabbed her pillow, putting it over her head.

“TWILIGHT!!!”

Her head jolted out of bed at the yelling, and the pillow flew across the room, hitting Spike in his basket, knocking him on the floor.

“What? Who? Where?” Twilight started, gazing around her room. There was nothing, but then she gazed out the window and saw Rainbow Dash hovering outside in front of the orange and purple sky.

“Rainbow Dash,” she muttered, wiping the sleep from her eyes, “the sun hasn’t even risen yet!”

“Ugh,” said Spike, stretching out his arms as he stood up from the floor. “I sure woke up on the wrong side of the floor this morning.”

“Yeah, I know it’s early, but I’ve been waiting in line all morning,” said Rainbow Dash. “Look what I got…”

She reached into her saddlebag and pulled out a copy of the latest Daring Do novel. Twilight’s eyes widened. Now she was totally awake.

“Eeeeee!” Twilight squealed with delight. Her horn lit up and Rainbow Dash disappeared, and found herself inside the room with Twilight Sparkle.

“Daring Do and the Tyrannosaurus Temple,” said Rainbow Dash, showing the book to Twilight. It had a picture of Daring Do running from a t-rex on the cover.

“It looks amazing!” said Twilight Sparkle. “I didn’t know that it was supposed to come out today. I heard a rumor that it was delayed.”

“Well, they just shipped them out! The rumors were wrong,” said Rainbow Dash. “I was doing the morning sunrise clouds and saw a huge line at the bookstore, so long I could see it from the air! Everypony was wearing Daring Do, Auhizotl, and Cabaleron costumes. It was crazy! I waited for a few hours and then I got it!”

“That’s great,” said Twilight. “But I guess you’ll want to read it before I do, though.”

Rainbow shook her head. “You can read it first.”

“Nonsense,” said Twilight, blushing. “You’re the one who waited in line for it. It’s only fair.”

“Aw, you know that I’m the element of loyalty,” said Rainbow Dash. “You’re the one who introduced me to the series, so loyalty says that you get to read it first.”

“If I read it aloud to you, will you two be quiet and let me go back to sleep?” Spike groaned, frowning.

“Oh, would you, Spike? That would be great!” Twilight exclaimed.

He shrugged, taking the book in his claw.

Twilight, Rainbow Dash, and Spike all sat in the living room. Twilight had just fixed them all a pot of coffee.

“Okay,” said Spike, lifting up the book and opening the front cover. “You guys ready?”

Rainbow Dash and Twilight both nodded. “Mm-hmm,” they said.

“Good, then here it is,” said Spike. “Daring Do and the Tyrannosaurus Temple.”

“Oh my gosh, I can’t wait!” Rainbow Dash exclaimed.

“I’m so excited!” said Twilight.

Spike groaned. “Do you two want me to read it, or not?”

They both blushed. “Sorry,” they said in unison.

Spike read.

Chapter One: Shopping Time
It was a bright and sunny day in Fillydelphia as Daring Do woke up.

The adventurer said enthusiastically, “Ah, time to go adventuring.”

Daring Do stretched her arms out, got out of bed and began to walk to her closet. Her tan hat, her tan shirt, and her tan horseshoes were put on her hooves.
Daring Do went downstairs and had a daisy and egg omelette, her favorite. The pegasus started cooking it on the ancient frying pan that she had recovered from the Tomb of the Last Breakfast in Jerusaddle. Daring Do turned on the television as she ate. Mostly there were reality TV shows and infomercials and games of sports and those morning talk shows that they have for mostly stay-at-home moms to watch. There was also the news, but nothing really interesting was happening in Equestria today.

After eating, the tan pegasus went and confidently brushed her teeth, since she was always concerned with good oral hygiene. She headed out the door, but something was missing. She realized that she didn’t have her whip with her. She must have left it in the last tomb that she went to. So, she decided to go to the Adventure Store and buy a new one.

“The adventure store?” Twilight and Rainbow Dash asked in unison.

Spike shrugged. “That’s what it says. I’m not the one who’s the fan of the Daring Do books; you guys are. I don’t know why, though, seeing as how it’s mostly about boring morning routines.”

“It’s not normally like that,” said Twilight. “But Daring Do makes all of her own equipment, or inherits it from her mysterious uncle, or loots it from tombs. She never buys it. There’s no Adventure Store in the Daring Do series!”

“There isn’t even an adventure store in real life!” Rainbow Dash exclaimed. “Believe me, I’ve checked.”

“Look, I’m just reading what it says, here,” said Spike, rolling his eyes. “And if you guys keep interrupting me every five seconds, I’ll never get through it. Can it with the commentary.”

Twilight and Rainbow Dash both nodded.

Spike continued.

Daring Do went to the adventurer store, called Dangerousway. The floors were made of lava and the shoppers all had to jump around on stepping stones to get through the aisles. She could just fly over it, though, since she was a pegasus. So, she flew past the compass and map aisle, past the gun aisle, past the smoke bomb aisle, past the airplane aisle, past the loyal sidekick aisle, and over to the whip aisle. After deciphering the price tags which were written in ancient Equestrian, she found the brand that she wanted.

The shelves were booby-trapped and had crushers on them that would chop off the hooves of anypony who wasn’t quick enough in reaching in and grabbing the merchandise, or who wasn’t a unicorn and could just use magic to grab it, but Daring Do was quick, and the whip was taken just as the steel teeth of the chompers came down, and then she flew back to the cashier, dodging falling tiles and fluorescent lights from the collapsing Adventure Store ceiling.

Spike paused for a moment to catch his breath.

“Man...” he panted, “hasn’t A.K. Yearling... ever heard… of this great new invention called the period?”

He continued reading.

“That’ll be fifty bits, Daring Do,” the Dangerousway cashier, whose name was Register, said in a normal, day-to-day business tone. His horn glowed as he swiped the whip through the checkout.

“Fifty flippin’ bits? That’s way too much,” Daring Do protested argumentatively. “I’m saving the world here, you know.”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah, that’s what they all say,” said the cashier, pointing back behind Daring Do towards the long line of other adventurers waiting behind her to pay for their own adventure merchandise.

“Ugh,” the last stallion in line groaned, looking over at Daring Do and then at the stallion next to him. “Everypony knows that you can’t haggle at Dangerousway. And Daring Do just had one item. Why didn’t she use the self-checkout?”

Daring Do overheard that, and sneered at the recalcitrant adventure store shopper. But eventually, the tan adventurer pegasus decided to pay the full fifty bits, because she realized that she could take a sweet tax writeoff for it. She flew out the front door of the shop, her new whip in hoof. And she was out into the air in the knick of time, since the shop exploded in a fireball.

Spike turned the page to the next chapter as Rainbow Dash and Twilight Sparkle both blinked.

“Uh…” Twilight started. “Am I still asleep and dreaming?”

Rainbow Dash reached over and slapped Twilight Sparkle.

“Ow!” said Twilight. “What did you do that for?”

Rainbow Dash chuckled. “To see if you were dreaming.”

“Well, I’m not. Are you sure that you got the right book, Rainbow Dash? This isn’t a Daring Do parody book, is it?”

Spike pointed with his claw to the front cover of the book. “It says Daring Do on the cover, Twilight. Why do you two read these books, anyway? They’re just so weird and bizarre. Like, a social commentary mixed with a snarky narrator who’s trying to show us just how clever she thinks that she is.”

“I swear they’re not normally like that!” Twilight exclaimed. “I don’t know what A.K. Yearling was thinking with this one.”

“She wasn’t,” Rainbow Dash scoffed.

“Well, it’s bound to get good soon,” said Twilight Sparkle. “Somepony just blew up—and I can’t believe I’m saying this—the Adventure Store, so hopefully we get some good action.”

Spike continued to read.

“Chapter Two: The Reckoning

At first, Daring Do thought that the store exploding into a fireball was supposed to happen. After all, everything about it was dangerous. Tiles fell from the ceiling, the floor was lava, so why wouldn’t the store just explode? That way, the adventurers could all look really cool running away with their purchases just as it blew up.

But no, it was a terrorist attack. After leaving Dangerousway, Daring Do sat at home watching her TV as the news reporter spoke.

“...the race for the prize; a sturdy and ten-pound drafthorse swept the metals today. In other news, there has been a terrorist attack in downtown Fillydelphia at the adventure store.”

The footage showed the explosion event that she had just recently witnessed with her very own eyes.

Daring Do exclaimed angrily, jumping out of her chair.

“Those FRIENDS!” she shouted.

Rainbow Dash burst out laughing.

“Uh, Spike,” said Twilight Sparkle, chuckling, “There’s no ‘r’ in that word. It’s fiends. You’re reading it wrong.”

Spike frowned, narrowing his eyebrows. “Look, it says ‘friends,’ in all caps. See?”

He shoved the book into Twilight Sparkle’s face, then into Rainbow Dash’s face, his claw pointing to the offending typo. Each pony blinked several times, taken aback that there could actually be such a severe typo in a nationally-published book by a bestselling author who should know better.

“Well I’ll be a monkey’s uncle,” said Rainbow Dash.

“And I’ll be a dragon’s adoptive mother,” said Twilight Sparkle.

Spike rolled his eyes as he continued.

She grabbed her whip and raced back off to Dangerousway, which was now more accurately called Craterway. Dozens of ambulances, firetrucks, and policecars stood around.

Under some rubble, Daring Do found Register the cashier, struggling under rubble, drywall and concrete. The debris were picked up by Daring Do, and she freed the stallion.

“‘Thank you, Daring Do!” Register said gratefully.

“Don’t mention it,” she said. “I came as soon as I could. Well, more accurately, as soon as I realized that the store wasn’t actually supposed to explode!”

“No, Dangerousway is not supposed to explode,” said the cashier. “It’s supposed to slowly crumble and descend into the bowels of the earth, never to be seen again. But the workplace safety department got on our case about that, so we don’t really do it anymore.”

“Those communists,” said Daring Do. “So are there any clues as to who did it, the bombing?”

“Well, we saw some footprints of a strangely dinosauric nature in the sand outside of the store this morning. But we didn’t really notice it at the time, although,” said Register.

“Can you care to show me?” Daring Do asked questioningly.

“Sure thing, Daring Do,” he agreed. The young cashier led the tan pegasus adventurer mare around to the back of the store where the employees were busy taking their smoke breaks by a dumpster.

The manager walked up to the employees.

“Hey!” shouted the manager. “You guys are endangering your health and safety with smoking! Now climb back into that collapsed store rubble and clean up around there!”

“But it’s collapsed,” reasoned one of the employees, puffing on his cancer stick.

“I don’t care,” said the manager bossily. “Pick up your ciggie butts. Also, smooth out that dinosaur footprint!”

He pointed towards a giant footprint in the sand, the size of a pony. It had three toes on it, and looked like a dinosaur footprint.

“Hmm,” said Daring Do, as she got out her magnifying glass and closely examined the footprints. “I reckon it looks like a dinosaur footprint.”

“I concur,” agreed the cashier, reckoning the same thing as the adventurer tan mare pegasus.

“Well then,” said Daring Do, “Time to go... hunt some dinosaurs.”

“Well,” said Spike, chuckling as he turned the page to chapter three. “She sure wanted us to know that it looked like a dinosaur footprint!”

“She only did refer to it as a dinosaur footprint about a million times,” said Twilight.

“And what about at the end there? That wasn’t a pun at all!” Rainbow Dash exclaimed, throwing her hooves in the air. “Daring Do is normally supposed to say something that’s funny, and a pun about what happened! All she said was, ‘time to go… hunt some dinosaurs!”

“Yeah,” said Twilight. “She could have used a pun like, ‘Time to get jurrassic on their flanks!’ or or ‘They’re gonna need a paleontologist when I break all their bones!’”

Rainbow Dash groaned. “Those are all terrible puns, Twilight.”

“They’re not even puns at all!” Spike exclaimed.

Twilight blushed. “Sorry, I’m not the best at puns. But A.K. Yearling is! What on earth happened? Was this book ghostwritten or something?”

Spike opened the front cover of the book and glanced at it. “Ghostwritten by C. W. Hoovington. C. W., huh? What does that stand for, ‘Can’t Write?’”

“Characters whacked,” said Rainbow Dash.

“Complete waste,” said Twilight. Spike and Rainbow looked at her confusedly.

“Of time,” she clarified.

“Ah,” they both said.

“So,” said Spike, opening the book back up to chapter three. “Should I keep reading?”

Rainbow and Twilight both shrugged. He continued.

Chapter Three: Interchange of Doom

Daring Do sat inside of her riced-out, jet-black 1992 Koribatsu Achiever as she drove down the highway outside of town. It had a manual transmission, V-6 engine, floodlights, undercarriage, and all-cloth interior with several cigarette burns in it from careless prior owners and puffy passengers. There was also some subwoofers under the floorboards for her to burst dubstep. What a shame that such racing luxury was wasted on an old car like that. At least those Japonese import cars lasted forever. Koribatsus would probably be around until the heat death of the universe.

The car was only raced by Daring Do merely part time, up and down Academy Boulevard and Woodmen Road at night. Not for money, since she got plenty of cash from adventuring, but for thrills of running through lights and endangering the lives of pedestrians. Whenever the cops came, she always bolted and outrun them. It was a fun little dangerous past time.

But today, she wasn’t racing even at all. In fact, she was stuck in possibly the worst traffic this side of Manehattan. Ponies sat blaring their horns on the I-35 interchange as they struggled to move even but a just single inch forward; what with the terrorist attack and all that mess, there was a lot of traffic of first responders, second responders, third responders, and other emergency ponyel trying to get to the disaster zone, and ponies going all around trying to find their loved ones.

It was even worse with the ponies trying to merge into the dead stop highway. It’s like they didn’t even care that there was a jam thicker than Appleloosa boysinberry.

“What jerks,” Daring Do thought. “To do such an attack like that. I’m gonna fade those dinosaurs pretty soon. Just when I can get through this traffic.”

Ponies inched forward, and it was even more difficult for her since she had a manual transmission and had to position her hooves just right to keep from stalling in the stop-and-go tartarus. The hot sun screamed its deadly UV rays down onto the highwaygoers, and Daring Do believed that soon, may she fry inside of her metallic deathtrap.

“Man,” she thought. “If only I could just get out and fly over all this traffic.”

Rainbow Dash and Twilight screamed out, “But she can fly!”

“She doesn’t even have a car in the series!” said Rainbow Dash. “She just flies everywhere, since she’s a freakin’ pegasus! Why would she be in a car?”

“Uh, guys…” Spike asked, “what’s a car?”

Twilight chuckled. “It’s a new invention that ponies in the cities use, Spike. You don’t see too many of them in a rural community like Ponyville.”

“Well, that chapter went nowhere,” said Spike. “It was just her sitting in traffic. When do we get to the dinosaurs? I’m about to fall asleep again.”

“How about we skip to the end of the chapter,” said Twilight. “Maybe it gets better from there.”

“Yeah, and maybe I’ll win the Cloudsdale Mega Millions,” Rainbow Dash scoffed.

Spike continued.

Chapter Four: The Sidekick

Daring Do finally got out of the worst of the traffic and sped up to a ridiculous velocity of forty miles per hour. Now maybe she could find what she was looking for.

“Hey, look over at that sign,” said Register, pointing at the sign above the interchange. It said “Exit 72, Dinosaur Temple exit, ¾ miles.”

“Okay, thanks,” said Daring Do, using her turn signal.

“HEY WAIT A MINUTE!” Daring Do explained, “What are you doing in here, Register?”

“I have been right inside of here the whole time,” said Register. “I would have said something sooner but the music was on so loud that I thought I would go deaf. Who even listens to Fall Out Colt anymore, anyway?”

Daring Do reached back and slapped the cashier, insulted that he would dis her beautiful emo punk rock tastes. “That’s irrelevant, cashier! What are you even sitting in my car for, anyway?”

Register shrugged. “I thought that you invited me along?”

“I work alone!” Daring Do proclaimed angrily as the wheel was gripped hardly with her hooves. “Now get out of the car!”

“It’s moving,” said Register observantly. The trees and buildings and signposts passed outside. The car was indeed moving.

“Well, the next rest stop... your flank is getting right on out of this here car,” said Daring Do.

“But you’ll need my help, Daring Do,” smiled Register. “After all, you need to check out that temple, right?”

Daring Do nodded.

“Well, I can help you check it out. I’m a cashier, so I’m really good at checking things out.”

Daring Do puzzled for a moment. Then she puzzled some more. After she did not seeing a gap in her colleague’s flawless, Mareistotle-like logic, she conceded and she and her new partner continued to the Tyrannosaurus Temple.

“There’s your pun,” said Spike, turning to the next chapter.

“But… Daring Do works alone!” Rainbow Dash whined. “She never goes on an adventure with anypony else.”

“This is outrageous, unacceptable, and, I daresay, not canon!” Twilight proclaimed, stomping her hoof on the wooden floorboards below.

Spike chuckled. “What about that time that Daring Do went on an adventure with you guys?”

“That was different!” Rainbow Dash and Twilight both shouted.

“Oh? How?” asked the dragon, raising an eyebrow.

“Well, we’re awesome! I can fly fast, Twilight can use a lot of magic, Pinkie can use her party cannon, Fluttershy has the stare, and Applejack can kick like a mule.”

“And Rarity is wonderful,” said Spike. “But let’s play Discord’s advocate here. Maybe this cashier guy is really skilled and can help Daring Do?”

“No,” said Twilight. “He’s a high school minimum wage lackey! If Daring Do is going to break her vow of no sidekicks, she deserves a better partner than him!”

Spike put his claw to his mouth, yawning. “Whatever. If you guys don’t want me to finish reading, I’m going back to bed.”

“No, don’t!” they both urged.

He scrunched his face. “But I thought that you said that this is the worst Daring Do book you’ve ever read?”

“Oh, it is,” said Twilight. “In fact, it may just be the worst book that I’ve ever read, period. But Dash and I are loyal fans, and we have to see how this resolves.”

Rainbow Dash shrugged. “Even trainwrecks can be entertaining sometimes.”

“Okay,” said Spike. “Let’s keep going, then.”

Chapter Five: The Church of the Dinosaurs

Daring Do and Register continued in the black Achiever as they reached the temple. It was a gleaming white building with many windows and a sign outside that said, “Welcome all devout worshippers to our megachurch.”

(Megachurch was a bit redundant, since all dinosaur churches would be megachurches, given how big they are.)

“This is the place,” said Register. “You know, I’ve driven by it a few times, but never really paid it any mind.”

“Me too,” said Daring Do. “But I guess this is our best bet for who might have done this to our beloved nation, our beloved city of Fillydelphia, and our beloved adventure store.”

“It’s a day that will live in infamy,” Register agreed. “I’m sure that someday, there will be movies made about it. And some ponies will try to say it was a conspiracy. But we know who the true culprits are, and they are inside that temple.”

“Here, here,” said Daring Do. She got into the left turn lane and was about to turn into the temple. There wasn’t a turn light, though, so she had to wait for like three turn cycles until there was a break in the oncoming traffic and she could get through.

She pulled into the parking lot and tried to find a space. There were lots of cars, and she didn’t know which spot to take. Finally, she chose a spot at the very rear of the parking lot, where there were a few adjacent areas that weren’t taken. Hopefully nopony would dent her car while she was in the temple. At least it wasn’t a grocery store. Those were the worst. Ponies would just leave their shopping carts, and they would roll over in the wind and hit the cars.

Daring Do and Register got out of the car.

“Ah, it feels so good to get out and stretch the ol’ wing bones,” said Daring Do, hovering in the air as she flapped her wings.

“Uh, come to think of it, why didn’t you just fly here?” asked Register.

Daring Do paused for a moment, putting her chin on her hoof. Then, she turned to Register.

“Shut up,” she said.

Register nodded, and they both walked across the parking lot and up to the steps of the dinosaur temple. The building towered hundreds of feet into the air, and was the size of a football arena. Daring Do figured that it was so that the dinosaurs would have room to move around without bumping their heads on the ceiling.

At the door, however, there stood two velociraptors. They stood ten feet tall and all had blue feathers.

“Huh, I guess that dinosaurs really did have feathers instead of scales,” said Register.

“A decades-old scientific debate has been just solved,” said Daring Do. “But now, for the seconds-old debate of how do we get inside the temple without then noticing us.”

“I say that we ambush them,” said Register.

“Great idea,” said Daring Do, smiling at her partner and his brilliant plan. So, Daring Do flew above one of the raptors and got the drop on him, fluttering down gracefully as she broke its neck.

“AAAAAEEEE!” the velociraptor screeched. The other turned to face Daring Do and his fallen comrade, but found himself enveloped in a yellow field of magic glow as Register held onto him, preventing him from moving. Then, Register jumped up and karate chopped the immobilized dinosaur right in the spleen. (Dinosaurs have those, right? Editor, check on that one for me. Then, remove this sentence.)

“Great work, Register,” said Daring Do, giving him a high-one.

He blushed. “Aw, it wasn’t anything,” he said giggling.

They went to the door and found that it was locked. So, Daring Do rummaged around in the velociraptor’s pouch and found the keycard. She swiped it in the keycard and it beeped.

“Allow me,” said Register, his magic glowing as he held the door open with his magic.

Daring Do smiled. What a kind, chivalrous gentlestallion.

They continued into the temple lobby, and saw a bunch of dinosaurs milling about. Brontosaurus stood around chewing on the plastic trees in the lobby. Stegasaurs butted heads and shook horns, being amicable towards each other. Mothers held crying compsognathus, dinosaurs no bigger than a filly, letting them nurse on their bottles.

“Alright!” Daring Do exclaimed. “Which one of you is the terrorist who blew up the adventure store?”

The dinosaurs all mumbled and muttered among each other. But then, a pterodactyl emerged from the crowd and pointed a clawed wing towards Daring Do and Register.

“That’s racial profiling! Just because we’re dinosaurs, does it mean that we are necessarily terrorists? Resolutely not! Racists!”

“Racists!” the rest of the dinosaurs chanted.

Daring Do gulped in her throat as she went close to Register, who held her in his arms.

“Oh no, we have a bunch of terrorsaurs mad at us!” said Register. “They’re going to blow us up!”

“Or just stomp on us,” said Daring Do.

“You both need to repent for your racism against our proud people,” said the pterodactyl. “Thankfully for you sinners, a dinousaur church service is about to start momentarily. You should attend for the sake of your immortal souls.”

“Okay,” said Daring Do quiveringly. Register nodded his head, agreeing. He didn’t want to be blown up, stepped on, and eaten, in that order.

Spike turned the page to the next chapter.

He paused for a moment. “What, no comments? You two don’t have anything to say?”

“What is there to say?” asked Twilight Sparkle. “We’re witnessing the death of our favorite series.”

“I’m trying my best not to cry,” said Rainbow Dash.

Spike chuckled. “Oooookay, then. Next chapter.”

Chapter Six: Praise and Worship

Daring Do and Register continued into dino church and sat down at a pew. The rest of the cretaceous congregation filed into the room.

Then, a tall, towering T-rex who was at least fifty feet tall wearing a suit and tie walked up to the altar and spoke.

“ROOOOOOAR!” he roared.

“ROOOOOOOOOOAR!” the congregation responded.

“Welcome to dino church, everysaurus! I am the Reverend Tercibel. Are y’all ready to be saaaaaaved from extinction?”

The crowd hooted and hollered.

“Now, we’re here todaaaay to worship and praise our savior, the Lord T-Sus,” said the Reverend, over-exaggerating his vowels as his voice trembled when he said them. “Millions of years ago, he lifted up his giant, stubbly T-rex aaaaarms and stopped the meteor from craaaaaashing into Equus, causing our extinction! He died but saved us all from our sins, and from the ensuing winter which surely would have caaaaaused our extinction, death, and demise!”

“The pastor’s a tyrannosaurus? More like a thesaurus,” whispered Register. Daring Do had to restrain herself from giggling like a schoolfilly at Register’s charming pun.

“Now we’re about to praaaaaise the Lord! Stand up, my flock, and let’s hear it from the choir!”

A choir of female velociraptors on the stage wearing purple robes began to screech-sing.

“Praise T-Sus, all of us.
Praise T-Sus, without him we’d all be dust.
Praise T-Sus, he is our dear lord.
Praise T-Sus, the perfect dinosaur!”

The congregation clapped along. Pterodactyls brought their wings together, brontosauruses stomped their hooves, and T-Rexes attempted to clap with their stubbly little arms, but couldn’t, so roared in frustration instead.

The worship service continued for several many hours, at which time Daring Do and Register’s hooves began to hurt from standing. They tried to sit back down, but got a glaring leer from the pterodactyl who had called them racists earlier, so they stood up and pretended to worship the Dinosaur god.

“Huh,” said Spike, turning the page to the next chapter, “I wonder if they let dragons into that church? That sounds like a roaring good time!”

“No, Spike, you’re not going to dinosaur church!” said Twilight, groaning.

“Aww, but why not?” he asked, throwing his claws in the air.

“Because there’s no such thing as dinosaur church!” Rainbow Dash exclaimed.

“Dinosaurs are extinct,” Twilight clarified.

Spike raised an eyebrow. “How isn’t the church real? How aren’t the dinosaurs real? I thought that you guys told me that Daring Do actually went on all of these adventures, because all of these things actually happened to her?”

Twilight shook her head. “No, Spike. This book was ghostwritten. Though A.K. Yearling wrote about her own adventurers, this ghostwriter is obviously pulling them out of—”

“Her flank,” Rainbow cut in.

“—I was going to say out of thin air, but what you said is certainly possible, too,” said Twilight Sparkle.

“Well, we’re getting towards the end of the book,” said Spike. “It looks like this is the last chapter. Let’s see how this finishes.”

Chapter Seven: Science and Reason

Daring Do and Register were relived off their sore hooves and legs when, finally, the Reverend Tercibel ordered the congregation to sit once more. He delivered a roaring sermon.

“Now, I have a few words to say,” roared Reverend Tercibel. The crowd roared back.

Register and Daring Do covered their ears.

“More like the Reverend decibel,” said Register. Daring Do chuckled once more, this time not afraid to release out her laughter since it was already so loud.

“Now, I have a few words to say,” he said. They all quieted down. “Now, some of you have heaaaard about the destruction this so-called adventurer store. If, by adventure store, you mean genocide store, then that would be a more aaaaaaaaaaaccurate D.B.A. for it.”

The crowd roared their disapproval of the now-destroyed adventure store.

“As you all know, the Adventure Store sold the eon-after pill, which allowed for the butcher adventurers to neutralize the dinosaur eggs that they fooooound in the jungles and temples, killing the embryo inside and taking them home for breakfast and fryyyyyying them up!”

Daring Do gulped and she hoped that nopony noticed the stale scent of dino egg on her breath.

“Though the godless media have called this a terrorist attaaaaaack, I, for one, welcome it. God’s wrath and judgment has been delivered against those butchers and slaughterers of our children, our kin, our babies!”

The dinosaur congregation roared their approval.

Daring Do turned to Register, who nodded. They both reached a silent understanding as Daring Do flew up into the air, up to the twenty-foot-tall pulpit where the pastor stood, and addressed the congregation. She hovered behind it and spoke.

“Attention, Dinosaur church! I have a few words to say,” said Daring Do.

The crowd murmured and mublred as Daring spoke.

“I am a proud adventurer. I have found many such eggs in these temples that you speak of. But these eggs are all millenia old, and the mothers having had died long ago. So have the embryos. The eon after pill is simply an antibiotic to prevent the disease from spreading from the egg to the eater of such. It’s an adventurer’s right to choose whether or not to eat these eggs, and a choice that you have no right to take away.”

Register cheered from where he sat. The other dinosaurs all roared in ignorant, blind rage, but Reverend Tercibel held up his claw.

“Let the mare speak,” he said. “Our god tells us never to forsake our sacred eggs, for that would lead us on the path to extinction.”

“Thank you, reverend,” said Daring Do. “Furthermore, your so-called religion is nothing more than a pack of lies and falsities. It is nothing but a bunch of prehistoric, primitive myths that have no place in our modern day society. If T-sus stopped a meteor, why haven’t I found them on my archaelogical digs? If there is a dinosaur god above, why is there so much dinosaur suffering? If dinosaurs were created by Dino-god, then how come there are so many fossils? It’s clear that you evolved from other dinosaurs.”

Register’s horn glowed as he was teleported up to the stage, on top of the pulpit. He spoke.

“You should all become atheists like Daring Do and I. We are euphoric, not because of some god above, but because of science and reason. Thank you.”

They bowed and stood. Daring Do was a bit petrified that the ignorant dinosaurs would come and eat her or blow her up with a bomb, but Register stood firm against the onslaught of incoming intolerance and ignorance. But that never happened.

At first, nosaurus clapped. But then, one of them clapped. Then another started to clap. Finally, everysaurus clapped. The reverend attempted to clap, but couldn’t since he was a T-Rex. But it was the thought that counted.

“Daring Do. So daring. So bold. So rational. She appeals to me on a way that T-Sus never could. So… attractive,” he thought.

“Ah, Register,” Daring Do thought, “One who is as smart and rational and takes as many risks as an archeoventurer like myself.”

From that day forth, the church was reconstructed into a science lab where theoretical physics and science was tested. All the dinos renounced terrorism, their blind faith disappearing in the face of the logic and overwhelming evidence. The reverend Tercibel became an astronomer, and swapped his doctorate in theology for a doctorate in astronomy. Now, instead of staring at the stars and thanking Celestia, he stared at the stars and thanked the big bang.

Not all was well, however. Register and Daring Do went back to her apartment and consumated their relations as boyfriend and girlfriend. But Tercibel was very jealous, envying the attractive and smart Daring Do for herself. What happened? Who knows.

Next time on Daring Do:
Who will win her heart? Ex-reverend Tercibel, or Register? Find out next time on “Next time on Daring Do!”

Spike closed the book, finishing it.

Twilight and Rainbow Dash simply sat there, blinking several times.

“Daring Do… has a BOYFRIEND!?” Rainbow Dash shouted. “NO! I refuse to believe it! She’s a strong, independent adventurer who don’t need no stallion!”

“Not to mention how Register won her heart,” said Twilight. “By being 'rational?' He's hardly even said anything in the whole story!”

“And you know, they never did find the bomber," said Spike. "Oh well. time to go to bed. That was fun, not. Goodnight.”

He glanced out the window where the sun had just risen.

“Or, should I say, good morning.” He climbed back into his basket and went back to sleep.

Twilight and Rainbow Dash sighed, sitting in stunned silence in the library for a few moments. But then, there was a knock at the door. Twilight got up and answered it. At the door was Pinkie Pie, bouncing up and down enthusiastically.

“Hey, Twilight and Rainbow Dash!” said Pinkie. “Did you guys read the new Daring Do book? Didja? Didja? Didja?”

Rainbow groaned. “Yes, we did. It sucked.”

Pinkie Pie raised her eyebrow. “Uh, no it didn’t! It was super amazing! It had roaring dinosaurs, booming explosions and cool cars! What else could you ask for?”

“How about consistent characterization, detailed prose, and believable plot?” asked Twilight Sparkle.

“Pshaw, who needs all that stuff when you got a good story?” asked Applejack, walking through the door.

“Applejack? You read it, too?” asked Twilight Sparkle.

“And liked it?” asked Rainbow Dash.

“Yup,” said Applejack. “I never fancied mahself a Darin’ Do fan before, but this latest book really got me readin’ and turnin’ the pages!”

“I’ll say, and I rather do fancy that Tercibel character,” said Rarity. “He’s such a learned scholar.”

She walked through the door as well, wearing a t-shirt with a picture of a T-Rex in a white lab coat over a black frock.

“Team Tercibel!” she exclaimed.

“No, Team Register!” said Applejack, pulling out a pennant with a picture of a cash register on it. She waved it around in the air.“He’s a blue collar workin’ pony like me! That ol’ Tercibel’s just an alloof professor.”

“And Register has the best puns,” said Fluttershy, fluttering through the door with a Register t-shirt. Ranbow Dash and Twilight Sparkle both glared at her.

She blushed. “Though, I mean, if you guys like Tercibel better…”

“We like neither!” Rainbow Dash yelled.

“They’re both terrible characters, and Daring Do deserves better!” Twilight exclaimed, throwing her hooves up in the air.

“Better than a reverend who transferred his degree and became an astronomer?” asked Pinkie Pie. “What, do you guys hate the stars or something?”

“He’s not an astronomer; he’s still just a reverend!” Twilight shouted. “You can’t just 'trade’ a theology degree for an astronomy degree! It doesn’t work like that! They aren't trading cards!”

“Tell that to A.K. Yearling,” said Rarity. “This book is the Celestia’s honest truth, remember? She only writes about stuff that happens to her in real life.”

“IT WAS GHOSTWRITTEN!” screamed Rainbow Dash and Twilight Sparkle.

Pinkie Pie laughed. “Guys, there’s no such things as ghosts, remember? Giggle at the ghostie, crack up at the creepy, wub it up with the weepy.”

“Well, Fluttershy and I are goin’ over to the Register fan club,” said Applejack, walking out the door.

“And Pinkie and I are going to the Tercibel fan club,” said Rarity.

Twilight Sparkle and Rainbow Dash both blinked several times as their friends walked out the door, closing it behind them.

“There’s fan clubs?” asked Twilight Sparkle, her jaw agape.

“I guess so. But they aren’t really fans. Not like us, Twilight. We’ve been reading these books for years. These guys just started reading it this morning.”

Twilight nodded her head. “You’re right. We can’t have fans like that ruining the image of Daring Do. And we can’t have ghostwriters like C. W. Hoovington ruining the series.”

“So what should we do?” asked Rainbow Dash.

Twilight Sparkle glanced over to the door, fluttering her wings as she approached it.

She turned back to Rainbow Dash and said, “We take down C. W. Hoovington.”