Dating Of A Timey-Wimey Variety

by RainbowBob

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Romance, Crossover
Length: 2663

He's Captain Jack Harkness, time traveler and former con man extraordinaire, and she's Princess Celestia, ruler of Equestria! When these two start dating, time itself is thrown out of whack! Here's hoping Equestria survives...

Captain Jack Harkness is in Equestria, and wouldn't you know it, he's back to his old game of flirting with the local populace. Particularly Princess Celestia, who in turn has set her sights on him as well. What can a time traveler do to win over the heart of the immortal pony princess of the sun? Well, as long as Torchwood doesn't have an emergency that can threaten the safety of Earth, pretty much anything!

Updates every Tuesday, Friday, and Sunday!

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2014-07-07 05:07:45 UTC

Chapter 1: Captain On Deck

“You know, you should really cheer up for once,” Luna said as she sipped her tea. The two sisters were out in castle gardens, where the summer heat had been lessened to allow a cool wind to blow through grounds, and ample shade to relax under had been acquired. The tea table was set out with a bountiful variety of teas of all flavors and what used to be a tray filled with tea cakes and scones, all of which had been decimated due to Celestia’s appetite.

Celestia attempted to flex her wing, the flying appendages still sore and bandaged due to the Deadpool incident earlier in the week. “Hard to make an attempt at that when life seems so glum all of the sudden.”

“‘All of the sudden?’ With me gone for a thousand years, wasn’t it worse then?” Luna asked.

Celestia sipped her chamomile tea, sighing as the warmness traveled down her throat to sit comfortably in her stomach. “In a way, yes and no. All my despair was focused solely on the loss of you for over a thousand years. All my regret, angst and pain was because you were gone. But now that you’re back, those emotions have nothing to focus on. Nothing to hold substance to. I’ve lived with them for so long that not having them anymore makes me feel… empty.”

Luna set her teacup down, her eyes staring wide at her sister. “Tia… why didn’t you ever tell me this?”

Celestia shrugged. “I did not want to worry you that my troubles are because of you. In fact, they are mine to bear. I thought that eventually the happiness of having you back would fill that hole back.” Celestia blinked, her eyes averting themselves from Luna’s gaze. “I thought you’d feel guilty that it didn’t.”

“Well… I did notice you were oddly apathetic sometime after I arrived back home. But I thought at first that was just a normal change from what I used to be familiar with oh so long ago.” Coughing into her hoof, Luna said, “I thought that if you were to go out with someone, perhaps even form a relationship with a significant other, it would make you happy again. Like you used to be…”

Celestia smiled. Reaching over, she held Luna in a hug, squeezing her sister tight. “Thank you, Luna. I knew you had the best intentions in mind. I myself thought at first that perhaps dating would get my mind off of it. But now I realize that hole won’t be filled with just some cheap gimmick of dating or love found via the internet. Instead, I should focus on more important things, such as spending time with you and running my nation to the top of my abilities.”

“Oh sister, that sounds wonderful,” Luna said, clapping her hooves together.

“You know what’d sound even better?” a third party intruder to the tea party asked, “some milk, along with a sugarcube or two.”

Luna and Celestia turned around, only to be confronted by the ever present smirk on the face of Captain Jack Harkness himself. He was draped in his usual grey overcoat, along with a dark shirt and pants with those ever present suspenders of his clearly shown. Holding his teacup up and nodding to the princesses, he said, “Why hello there, ladies. Lovely afternoon for a cup of tea.”

The princesses regarded the quite handsome chap who had appeared out of nowhere for a cup of tea with suspicious looks. That is, until Luna said, “Huh, I was wondering when you’d come back.”

“You were expecting this?” Celestia asked.

Luna nodded in turn. “Well, duh, it was only right to assume after he skipped out on your last date to save his friend because of Deadpool. Plus, there’s still the future version of himself who went on the dating website in the first place to set up a date with you, meaning this must be him right now.”

“Wait a second… but that date was interrupted and never happened,” Celestia said. She tapped her temple and scowled, looking intently on the calm surface of her tea. “So is this the Jack Harkness who wanted to set up the date in the first place, or the one afterward who couldn’t meet for the date?”

“Time traveling is confusing, is it not?” Harkness said with a hearty laugh, dropping two lumps of sugar into his tea. “Also, is this chamomile tea? It’s my favorite.”

Celestia blinked. “Um… why yes, it is.”

“Beautiful and with good taste.” Harkness poured some milk into his tea, stirred it thoroughly, then sipped it for several seconds, breaking away with a satisfied sigh of content. “Great minds think alike, am I correct?”

Licking her lips, Celestia nodded. Stopping, she coughed and started to nod at a slow rate. “Why yes, I do believe I agree with you.”

“Oh no… seriously?” Luna asked, throwing her hooves up in the air in exasperation. “Just after the conversation we had, you’re doing this?”

“Shhh, don’t ruin this for me,” Celestia whispered out of the corner of her lips. Focusing her attention back on Harkness, she said, “So, Jack, is it, what brings you back to Equestria?”

“Well, initially it was to get back at Deadpool and arrest him.” Harkness sipped his tea, smacking his lips several times. “But then it turned out he was notoriously hard to capture. Also, he’s pretty much unkillable. He wasn’t really surprised to find out I was as well. Eventually after offing one another several dozen times, we went out to get beers and became good acquaintances.”

“You guys did coitus?” Luna asked. Celestia shot her a powerful glare. Luna blushed and ducked under Celestia’s stare. “I mean, you guys banged, right?”

“Unfortunately no. Deadpool wasn’t too into me.” Leaning over, Harkness whispered, “In fact, I don’t know what that guy is into, and I’m an expert on these sorts of things. One minute it was a toaster, the next it was the pretty mare behind the bar we were at, and then it was a bird he spotted in the sky.”

“Yeah, that sounds like Deadpool alright,” Luna said. She shuddered. “I still haven’t forgiven him for what he did to my houseplant.”

“But afterward, I decided why not treat the most prominent pony princess of the land to that good date I promised her… twice.” Harkness smiled, his smile so radiant it outshone the sun. “So, what do you say, my dear?”

Luna rose from her seat, downed the rest of her tea, then splayed out her wings in preparation for takeoff. “In the off chance this endeavor turns out to backlash any of the parties involved, I’m vamoosing the hell away from you guys.” And with that, Luna took off into the sky.

Scooting over to take over Luna’s abandoned seat, Harkness said, “Well, she does have a way at taking hold of the initiative.”

“I think it’s more along the fact that she’s become savvy of these turns of events by now,” Celestia replied. “That, or it’s survival instincts.”

“From all the dates you’ve gone through, I wouldn’t be surprised if you became savvy as well.” Harkness grinned, finishing off the rest of his tea. “In fact, I can probably bet money on what you expect me to say next.”

Celestia hummed under her breath and tapped her chin, and playful smile spreading on her lips. “Well, let’s see… next you’ll ask me out for coffee. Then you’ll probably tell me some of your remarkable adventures in your immortal lifetime, hoping to impress me. And then you’ll be hoping you’ll play your cards right so I would invite you to the castle so that…”

Harkness arched a brow. “So that… what? Come on now, don’t be a tease. Usually that’s my job, and I’m terrible at it!”

“Well, revealing all my intentions wouldn’t be very ladylike of me, would it?” Celestia asked, fluttering her lashes while she winked.

Harkness snapped his fingers and pointed at her. “Oooh, now there’s that charm princesses are so famous for!”

“You’re familiar with this charm?” Celestia asked.

Now it was Harkness’ turn to wink slyly. “Well, revealing my stories before our date wouldn’t be very gentlemanlike of me, would it?”

“Oh, so that’s the Captain’s charm your variety are so famous for!” Celestia laughed.

“You’re familiar with Captains?”

Celestia snorted, rising from her seat and gesturing for him to get up. “Oh, more than you’d think. Have I got a story for you.”

Chapter 2: Coffee With A Side Of Royalty

“...And then the next morning I ended up in bed with both my executioners.”

Celestia snorted, nearly spitting out her coffee. “How did you ever manage to pull that off?”

Harkness smirked and sipped his coffee, briefly grimacing as he realized it needed a smidge more sugar. “Charismatic charm? Dashing good looks? The various stories of my stunning performance being spread out?”

“Didn’t you just mention you drank three hyper-vodkas for your breakfast and everything after that became a blur?” Celestia asked with her brow arched.

With a shrug, Harkness nodded his head. “Actually, it was four hyper-vodkas, and I guess my amazing luck was probably the reason for it. Although drunken shenanigans probably played a hand as well.”

“That I am quite well versed in,” Celestia said, a frown breaking out on her features, “unfortunately.”

“Drinking getting you into messed up and often times inconceivable situations as well?” Harkness asked. He raised his cup of joe. “Tell me about it.”

“Well, it’s not like I do it all the time,” Celestia said hastily. “It’s just that, well… being a princess can be stressful, you know?”

“And then you relieve that stress through a dirty martini?”

Celestia smiled. “Well, I’m more a fan of dry martini myself. Very dry, in fact.”

Harkness winced, but still grinned all the same. “My date is a fan of dry martinis? Ooh, that might be a deal breaker, Celly.”

“I take it you’re not a fan, Jack?” Celestia asked in turn, her grin growing ever wider and more devious.

Harkness tapped his chin, face scrunched up into a playful pout. “Well, too much vermouth doesn’t appeal to me either…” Harkness sighed, slapping his hands together as he licked his lips. “Well, I guess we’ll just have to make this work then.”

“You sound so devastated about that,” Celestia said, barely able to hold back her giggles.

Harkness put his face in his hands, slowly shaking his head. “Oh, you have no idea, princess, you have no idea.”

Celestia grinned, leaning over the table so that her muzzle was right above his head. “Well, I do have an idea of what we could do tonight.”

Staring up immediately with wide eyes and an intent focus centered right on Celestia, Harkness said, “I’m listening.”

“How does going to a bar with me sound?”

Harkness’ trademark smirk made another one of its grand appearances on his handsome features. “That sounds better than treating a Prussian princess to a night on the town when Napoleon is gearing up to invade.” Holding up a finger, Harkness said, “Which, I should note, didn’t have as bad an evening as one would think.”

“Strange,” Celestia muttered. “Your world has a Prussia as well?”

“Well, more like had a Prussia. It didn’t last too much longer after Napoleon. Well, at least in regards to me living forever and far outlasting even it.”

Nodding her head, Celestia furrowed her brows. “Wait, did you have a Prance as well? What about Roam?”

Harkness stopped with his cup midway to his lips. “Um… well, we still have a France. Well, at least in the timeline I’m currently in back on Earth. And pardon me, but did you say Rome?”

“No, I said Roam.”

“Rome?”

“R-o-a-m.”

“Huh…” Harkness set his cup down and crossed his arms, staring at Celestia closely. “So basically everything in your world is a horse pun of some sort?”

Celestia huffed. “Horse pun? As if. Perhaps everything in your world is a human pun?”

“Perhaps. Perhaps.” Harkness leaned back in his seat, balancing delicately on the edge of its back legs. “So, the name of your country is Equestria?”

“Correct.”

“And it’s capital is called Canterlot?”

“Indeed.”

“And the town we are currently residing in is called Ponyville?”

Celestia tilted her head while giving Harkness a questioning look. “Yes. Why all the questions, Captain?”

Harkness threw his hands up in the air and returned his chair back on all fours. “Oh, no reason, no reason at all.” Looking around, Harkness’ eyes widened. “Oh wow, I just noticed something.”

“And that would be?”

“The coffee shop we’re at is almost entirely composed of females,” Harkness pointed out. “Not that I’m complaining, of course.”

That statement was true, since most of the coffee house’s occupants were mares, most of whom were staring at Harkness with dreamy expressions. In fact, even the few stallions that were there were ogling Harkness. It was as if he was the magnet for everyone’s attention the moment he walked in. The only one who wasn’t drooling at just the sight of him was his date, Celestia, who was giving all coffee house customers a strange look.

“In hindsight, I should have expected this when I mentioned we’d be coming to Ponyville for coffee,” Celestia said.

“Bigger female to male ratio I presume?”

Celestia rolled her eyes. “Way bigger ratio than you could ever imagine. Once a stallion here reaches maturity, he often enlists in the guard the moment he’s out of the house.”

“You have conscription?” Harkness asked, finishing off the rest of his coffee.

“Nah. The big rumor is that being in uniform gets you tons of mares, so any stallion worth his salt applies to become a guard right away. It’s not even to protect their country, it’s to get girls!” Celestia sighed, her head downcast. “My military force is controlled by hormones.”

“Man, how I wish I was a pony…” Harkness muttered. Coughing under his breath, he reached out and patted Celestia’s shoulder. “Hey now, buck up. Unless, like, that’s another pony pun you guys use for an insult or curse word, in which case ignore that comment.”

“Yeah, I suppose you’re right. And in any case, at least I—”

Celestia never got to finish her sentence, on account that a hoof was pushing her muzzle down from speaking.

Pinkie Pie was practically buzzing atop Celestia’s head, staring with all intents and purposes at Harkness. From one second and then the other, she had appeared out of nowhere, and on top of Celestia’s head of all places.

“Hi, I’m Pinkie Pie!” Pinkie exclaimed, a smile so inhumanly large that it couldn’t possibly be real spreading out on her face. “And you must be new to Ponyville, since I’ve never seen you here before, and I know everyone!”

Taken aback for a second, Harkness was quick to cover his surprise with a good natured grin as he reached out his open hand. “Captain Jack Harkness. Pleasure to meet you, Pinkie.”

Pinkie grasped Harkness’ hand in her hoof and shook it with gusto, causing Harkness’ shoulder to nearly detach from its socket. “Oooh, a Captain! How exciting! Do you sail on the high seas in a ship? Do you search for buried treasure? Do you mop the poop deck?” Pinkie asked, firing question after question in quick succession.

Harkness smiled. “Well, I’m a bit more different than that type of Captain. But I do have a ship. Erm, for space.”

“Oh, wow, space! You’re a Space Captain! Does that mean you get to search for buried treasure in asteroids?”

“Not exactly,” Harkness laughed, his grin only widening the longer he remained in Pinkie’s presence.

“What am I, chopped liver?” Celestia asked. However, due to the obstruction of her mouth by Pinkie’s hoof, all that came out was, “Wpht em a, duaped wyver?”

At this point, she was pretty sure the entire universe, multiverse, and all of existence considered her this.