Throughout her long, prosperous rule, many scholars and philosophers have wondered what the mighty, beauteous Celestia considers to be a “perfect day.” Though countless debates and arguments have been held to discuss the mystical conundrum of what is a perfect day for the Lady of the Day, few have ever had the courage to ask such a bold question directly to Celestia.
To no real surprise, Celestia has long been aware of these debates; of the question itself to be more specific. Like anyone else, even she herself has never had a perfect answer to such a question. At least, not a permanent answer. An answer that would hold true for every single day of her life. At least, until a few months ago, that is.
“You know, Twilight, I can’t think of a better way to spend a day,” Celestia mused aloud to her lavender lover curled up beneath her wing. To her mild disappointment, Twilight only continued her scribbling of notes about some subject she’d been refusing to talk about for the past few weeks. Celestia was not in a mood to be ignored.
She craned her neck down to slowly nibble on Twilight’s ear. Her efforts only received a series of evasive flicks from her target. “Twilight, I have the whole day off for once, and you’re actually here in Canterlot and this is how you want to spend our time together?”
Finally, a notable reaction. Twilight looked up sheepishly. “Sorry, Princess–”
“Celestia,” Celestia corrected sharply.
“P–...Celestia…” Twilight’s face flushed red.
Celestia knew from the start of their relationship that getting Twilight past the years of idolizing her as the “Princess” was going to be a slow process. She hadn’t expected to still be fighting with Twilight about it over a year later. They were friends, lovers even, and yet Twilight’s natural response was always still that stuffy title. Celestia’s focus returned as Twilight continued.
“I’m sorry, it’s just that I’ve been doing some very interesting research the past few weeks–”
“And you can’t share it with me?” Celestia interrupted.
In a manner that Celestia was all too familiar with, Twilight reacted like a filly caught sneaking cookies from the royal kitchens.
“Please, Twilight, if this is something you find so engrossing, why not let me help you? You know I love doing research as much as you do.” Celestia snatched one of the pages of notes with her magic and swiftly perused it. “Oh, biology notes… and,” — Celestia snuck a sultry glance — “pictures and diagrams of me? How naughty, Twilight.”
Twilight, face redder than before, quickly lunged up to grab the note page with her hooves. She fell back down on her side clutching the note to her chest. “It’s not what it looks like!”
Celestia laughed softly. “Twilight, there’s no need to be embarrassed. You’ve had a very personal view of me from back there already; plenty of times I might add.”
Twilight glanced up to see her lover’s warm smile beaming down at her like the rays of some warm object in the sky. “That’s not the point. I’m not doing some perverted research on you!”
Celestia sighed. “I understand, Twilight. I’m sorry for teasing you about it.”
The younger alicorn visibly relaxed. “O-okay, as long as you understand I’m not some pervy delinquent…” Twilight suddenly found herself scooped up into a playful hug.
“Oh, quit worrying about it already. It’s not like I’d be upset, even if you were doing something like that.” The white alicorn rolled over onto her back, bringing Twilight for the ride. The note page was lost somewhere in the brief trip as the topic of dubious research slipped from both of their minds. Celestia was resting belly-to-belly with Twilight on top of her. Even if nothing else happened, Celestia was quite content to enjoy this feeling. There was something about being able to let somepony else take control of things that just felt comforting, and more than a bit exciting to boot.
Twilight leaned in for a kiss, stealing Celestia’s attention. All too soon, the kiss was over and Twilight was starting to look like Philomena after she snuck into the barracks that one night and managed to re-dye the guard’s coats. “Twilight, what’s wrong?”
The smaller alicorn swallowed a nervous lump in her throat. “Well, the more I think about it, there’s not much reason to keep you in the dark anymore. N-not that I have some evil secret I’ve been keeping, I mean the research. Which is almost done… and I do actually, sort of, need your input on it.” She smiled nervously.
Once more, Celestia put on her warm smile. “I don’t mind if you have things you need to do by yourself, dear. But I thought we’d both learned a lesson about keeping secrets already.” Twilight wilted a bit. “Come on, no time for that.” A white hoof gently settled on a lavender cheek. “Please, just smile for me. I can’t stand seeing you sad.” Twilight immediately brightened up.
“So, Twilight, tell me about this research.”
Twilight nodded enthusiastically. “Right, so, I’ve been studying alicorn biology recently, now that there’s enough of us to be worth calling a sample-pool. During my studies, I’ve noticed something interesting about our physiques. Luna and Cadance, interestingly, share a very similar body shape, nearly identical in fact! Head and facial structure notwithstanding, of course, their physical proportions have less than a 0.000001% deviation. Then, examining me, I’ve found that since becoming an alicorn, my body is steadily becoming leaner, and my height seems to be increasing a bit as well. Both of these changes aren’t exactly fast, mind you, but I’ve compared Rarity’s files on my dress measurements before and after ascending, and extrapolated to a few years from now to find that my physical growths are trending to be in line with Luna and Cadance’s proportions.”
“I noticed you haven’t mentioned me, yet.”
“That’s because your data is the most fascinating!” Celestia suddenly found a small blush on her cheeks. “You see, your proportions are similar, but at the same time very different. Specifically, your thighs and buttocks are larger than the expected proportions, given my other data.” — Celestia frowned slightly. She didn’t like where this was going. — “So, I was curious if you could tell me how much you weigh so I could complete my data set?”
With an expression devoid of amusement, Celestia responded. “Are you saying I’m fat?”
“That’s what I’m trying to figure out. You certainly aren’t fat by normal pony standards, and there really haven’t been any other alicorns to compare you with for a long time…” Twilight slowly stopped her mouth from committing further treason as Celestia’s face slid farther from its former glorious warmth into a look of sheer depression. “Princess—”
Celestia suddenly rolled to her side, unceremoniously depositing Twilight onto the bed. She stood up with determined lethargy and plodded her way to the door, slamming it on her way out.
As soon as the door closed behind her, panic shot through Celestia’s head. “Guard, where is my sister?” she snapped to one of the stallions stationed outside her room.
“Setting up for night court, Your Highness,” one replied with a hasty salute.
Nodding, Celestia set of down the hall at a leisurely panicked sprint.
The door to the throne room were as large and imposing as always. A fair number of ponies had gathered for Luna’s nightly court session. Each and every one with something important, or so they believed, that required a Princess’ decision. As the clock struck the top of the hour, the doors opened, granting the line of ponies their first view of the throne room that night. As the stallion at the front of the line took a single step forward, he found himself mysteriously assaulted by a mighty, yet surprisingly soft blur of white that bowled him out of the way before dashing into the throne room. The doors were promptly encased in a golden glow and slammed shut.
“All guards are dismissed,” Celestia’s command echoed as the throne room doors slammed shut. The royal guards responded immediately.
Luna was perched on the throne, as per usual for a session of court. Her posture relaxed visibly at the sight of Celestia. “Oh, sister, to what do I owe this interruption?”
A very panicked Celestia answered hastily, “I need your help! Twilight thinks I’m fat!”
Luna sat in silence as she observed the situation. It was unusual for her sister to be so worried, but then, there was something about Twilight Sparkle that seemed particularly adept at sapping Celestia’s outer walls of calm and reasoning. It was just as unusual for Celestia to request her sister’s aid without a fully detailed plan or solution already prepared.
Also, Luna had totally called it.
“I told—”
“I swear to the stars, Luna, if you say ‘I told you so’ I’m going to send your ‘M.E.I.’ collection straight to my sun!” Celestia snapped.
Luna cleared her throat. “The thought had never occurred to me...” Celestia seemed to relax a bit with that reassurance. “Cake butt,” Luna quipped with a devious grin.
The elder sister narrowed her gaze, glaring death at her younger sibling. Celestia’s horn lit with power, and somewhere in Luna’s room, a large container vanished, never to be seen again.
“Worth it,” Luna thought to herself, “I wonder if Cadenza would like to help me in crafting a new collection? Although, maybe I should be helping her start a new collection.” Luna tapped her chin thoughtfully as her mind began to wander. “Surely the blessing and enhancement of marriages is within her domain. I should talk with her about taking on those duties the next time we—”
“Luna!” Celestia shouted, derailing her sister’s train of thought. “Are you going to help me or not?”
The time for sibling quarrels was past. Luna descended from the throne with a warm smile. “Of course I shall help, dear sister. I would be remiss if I did not assist you in your time of need.”
A wave of relief washed over the elder sister. “Thank you. I-I just…”
The gap between them now closed, Luna pulled her sister into a hug. “Fret not, dear sister. We will find you a solution.” The embrace ended with a not-at-all-condescending pat on Celestia’s head from a dark blue hoof.
A tone of calmness pervaded Luna’s voice, “Now, sister, why don’t you fill me in on what has happened?”
Celestia nodded. “Well, Twilight has been doing some manner of physiological research on alicorns recently.”
“Ah, yes. I recall taking part in that.”
“Right, well after apparently crunching some numbers, she’s come to the conclusion that my best assets are notably larger than she expected, comparatively speaking.” Celestia suddenly found herself remembering that disastrous conversation with Twilight. Her gaze fell to the floor, wings drooping, as her posture slumped. She remained awkwardly silent for far longer than Luna had patience for.
“And?” the younger sister prompted.
Celestia shuffled her hooves a bit before speaking up. “And I asked her if she was trying to tell me I was fat…”
“Don’t start that awkward silence act again, Celestia. You know I can’t help if I don’t understand the situation,” Luna snapped sternly as her older sister trailed off.
The elder sister sighed before returning her gaze to meet her sister’s. “She said ‘That’s what I’m trying to find out.’”
Luna winced. Even for an utterly-socially inept pony, and Luna was confident in her own experience as such, that reply was about as catastrophic as they come.
“See!” Celestia exclaimed upon seeing Luna’s reaction. “This is terrible! She all but directly told me, to my face no less, that she thinks I’m fat! Fat!” — It was at this moment that the dam broke — “As if she even knows what fat looks like. Clearly, Twilight has never seen her own tummy in the mirror. She spent so many years fortified in one library or another that she’s grown a good bit of pudge herself. Little Miss ‘I’m getting leaner’! Bah! Who does she think she is questioning my slightly fluffy rump? I’ve been the standard of beauty in Equestria and beyond for over a thousand years! My delectably soft posterior deserves more respect! My butt has been sculpted by the finest cakes the land has ever seen! My ass is glorious! It should be worshiped! WORSHIPED!”
“SISTER!” Luna bellowed in her full royal voice, matching the volume of her sister who now stood on her two hind hooves, with a single front hoof extended into the air in triumph and a slightly crazed gleam in her eyes.
Celestia cleared her throat and returned to normal sitting posture. “As I was saying, Twilight thinks I’m fat.”
“And I can see this conundrum is going to require our full attention.” Eyes closed, for regality’s sake, Luna turned to face where her guards should have been. “Guards, court is closed for the night. Please extend my apologies to those in attendance, and ask that they return on the morrow.”
“Um, Luna, the guards aren’t here.”
Turning back to her sister, Luna opened her eyes. “Of course not, I just gave them an order to leave.”
“That’s not—”
“Come, dear sister! We have much work to do to rid you of your most worshipable features,” The younger sister exclaimed with a giddy smile. Before Celestia could get a word in edgewise, she found herself whisked away by a flash of magic that deposited her in a room she’d never seen before.
The alabaster alicorn gazed around the room to find various mechanical contraptions, some of which she thought might make excellent places to try out new positions with Twilight later, and some of which appeared to be a form of modern torture device. There were odd, puzzle shaped mats on the floor in many different colors, and several full length mirrors dotted the walls. Needless to say, she was lost.
“Luna, where are we?”
“Tis the Royal Gymnasium!”
“This looks nothing like a gymnasium.”
“Tis a modern gymnasium.”
Celestia sighed, she really hadn’t expected a useful answer, but, as usual, Luna managed to be both correct and confusing.
“This room was installed after our niece’s wedding. Tis a place for exercise and physical training. It is mostly used by our guards, though all castle staff have access to it.”
“I see. And you know how to work these machines?”
“Not at all!”
Celestia glared as hard as she could at her sister’s adorably bright smile. She briefly considered how long it might take Luna to forgive her if she knocked a few teeth out of her. Not that it would matter. Alicorns were too resilient for that. It may have been a long time ago, but Celestia distinctly remembered a choice few of their more exciting battles in their youth and how quickly they recovered from them. No, she knew Luna wouldn’t get hurt, no matter how hard she threw a hoof at her. And that would inevitably just end up in a sparring match that would last several hours, of course a good bit of the castle would suffer as a result. Never mind what all those stuffy nobles and foreign dignitaries would think of the two sisters fighting each other. Even with restraint there would likely be cries of morons declaring them crazy and out of control and… that was a far more detailed train of thought than Celestia had intended.
Stupid skinny sister!
“I’m just childing,” Luna said suddenly.
Celestia bravely fought back against a full mental shutdown. “Did you mean ‘kidding?’”
“Tis what I said!”
Celestia shook her head, not willing to go down that rabbit hole today. “So, you actually do know how these things work?”
“Of course I do,” Luna scoffed. “What would be the point in bringing you here if we couldn’t use anything?”
“Of course…”
Luna nodded emphatically. “Now come over here, I know just how to get you started,” she called after gracefully bounding over a row of the mechanical death traps.
Celestia followed, taking the time to walk around the things she wanted nothing to do with. Luna stood in front of a terribly confusing looking contraption. Having no guess as to its purpose, Celestia was even at a loss as to how she might describe it.
“This is called a ‘milltread’.” Luna quickly scrunched her muzzle. “No that sounds wrong. Let’s call it a treadmill.” — she smiled at the sound of the word — “Yes, that’s certainly what our guards called it.”
Celestia was already having a very not-perfect day. She honestly couldn’t find it in herself to care what the device was called. “Right, so how’s it work?”
“Simple. You step onto this part,” — Luna pointed at the center of the thing — “and then you press the green button and it’ll start moving so that you can walk in place. It even has higher speed settings if you want to run instead.”
That actually sounded simple. Go figure. “Alright, let me try it out.”
Luna swiftly held up a hoof, barring Celestia’s path. “Not yet. The most difficult challenge of the treadmill is the boredom of staying in the same spot for an extended period of time.”
“That makes sense, but I at least want to see if I even like using it before I worry about that.”
“No need to fear,” Luna continued as though she hadn’t been listening, “I have devised a perfect solution for this challenge. We must simply put something in front of you that you wish to reach, but cannot without dismounting the treadmill.”
“You know, I have wings. I can just fly over to get whatever it is,” Celestia quipped.
“Pah, a length of rope can fix that,” Luna retorted, summoning a rope, likely from her collection in the basement. The rope was swiftly magicked around Celestia, binding her wings to her body.
“Luna, I still have magic,” Celestia deadpanned.
Luna waved her hoof to the side. “Nothing a simple magic suppression field can’t fix.”
“There’s nothing simple about that. Suppressing alicorn magic with that method would take hours of preparation and channeling to configure it just to make sure it only affects my horn’s magic. And even then, you’ve shown that such a restraint can be shattered if I wanted to.”
“Well, then you’ll just have to show some restraint.”
Celestia opened her mouth to reply, but promptly realized that Luna actually had a good point. Still, she had to try something to get Luna to let her try the blasted device. “And what if I choose to simply get off the treadmill and claim the prize?”
“Again, restraint.”
Celestia was more than mildly irritated. What’s the use of an exercise machine if she can’t even use it?
“Also I can just lock you and the device inside a cage and hold the prize outside with a null-magic barrier surrounding the cage,” Luna added. Something about her expression told Celestia that her sister might actually be serious about that.
Holding back her growing frustration at the lack of action, Celestia decided to ask the most important question in this scenario. “And exactly what prize could you possibly put in front of me that would warrant such ludicrous preparation?”
A sly grin slipped its way onto Luna’s face. “Twilight Sparkle with a cheesecake on her croup with a can of whipped cream next to her, reading a book while you work out.”
The rope snapped and the pair of white wings were free once more.
Luna frowned. “Hmm, you’re right, too tempting. Perhaps we should just try the good old fashioned ‘because you want to’ motivation?”
With a face redder than a cherry topping, Celestia managed to squirm in place in a futile attempt to clear her mind of the sensuous image Luna had painted. “J-just give me bit to… calm down.”
“Nay! You should use that excitement!” Luna countered. “Just keep imagining your goal as you ride the treadmill to a leaner rump!”
Not the worst idea Celestia had heard today. She approached the machine and slowly worked her way onto it, one hoof at a time. She was certain that the treadmill hadn’t been built with somepony of her stature in mind. As such, she was more than a bit worried at first about it holding her weight. After realizing that such thoughts were only playing right into her current fears, she planted herself firmly onto the center track-like thing that Luna said would move. She pushed the button and sure enough, it began moving.
The sudden lurch as it started up was both surprising and unsettling, but she quickly found a good rhythm. “This isn’t too bad, but it will need to move faster if I am to get any proper exercise.”
Without a word, Luna used her magic, causing the machine to beep several times in quick succession. The pace of the movement quickened from a trot, to a canter, and finally peaked at a full gallop. As soon as she found her rhythm again, Celestia brought Luna’s mental painting back into focus.
Mmm.
Before she knew it, Celestia had completely lost track of time, her senses occupied with a most wonderful fantasy; one that she planned to make a reality. Yes. That would be the perfect way celebrate once she was done ruining… adjusting her figure.
“Sister, I do not believe the treadmill is supposed to produce so much smoke.” Luna’s words cut through Celestia’s dreamworld.
Pink eyes shot open. Sure enough, the device was producing an awful lot of smoke. Not entirely sure how to safely dismount the treadmill while moving, Celestia settled for a simple, short teleport to Luna’s side.
“Mayhap we should turn it off, Luna.”
“Not to worry you, but I have been trying. I think you have overworked the machine, sister.”
Not-perfect. That really was starting to sum up the day more than anyone could ever possibly hope for. Not that Celestia was hoping for such a day. Far from it. She was hoping for a nice relaxing— And now the treadmill was on fire. Not-perfect, indeed.
“I’m telling you, dude, ‘Night Stalker’ is possibly the worst name to have when introducing yourself to a mare,” Night Stalker, a Lunar Guard, remarked to his friend. “The moment they hear ‘Stalker’, they get all paranoid. Every. Single. Time!”
Iron Grip, a Solar Guard, continued to walk with Night Stalker down the hall towards the royal gym. “You think you’ve got it bad, you should meet my second cousin Teeny Weeny.”
Night’s jaw dropped just a bit. “You’re making that up.”
Iron chuckled. “Nah, you can’t make up stuff like this. He makes tiny little tofu weiners, you know the kind you eat off a toothpick at a fancy party.”
Night started to laugh, but managed to maintain his composure.
“And the real kicker? He’s real short, like those Shetlanders from that island up in the north sea.”
Night lost it just as the two friends reached the door to the gym. He was laughing so hard he propped a hoof up against the door to keep from falling over. He continued to laugh for a few minutes, all the while Iron just stood there, stone-faced as he usually was even when he wasn’t on the job.
Finally, the two swung the doors open once the merriment was out of Night’s system. What greeted them was to later be known as the ‘Gymnasium Apocalypse.’
Weight machines were bent, broken and twisted into piles of useless scrap. There were free weights sticking out of the walls at odd angles, and a single weight lifting bar stacked with so many weights there was barely enough room to get your hooves on it lodged firmly into the ceiling. Smoke billowed out of the room like it was on fire, which it was. Over in the corner where the treadmill used to be. And amidst all the wreckage were the two royal sisters, arguing.
“How in Tartarus does this blasted thing keep reigniting!?” Celestia shouted.
“I’m positive it has to do with some manner of lightning spell matrix,” Luna answered calmly.
“Then turn it off.”
“I tried that when you first broke it and it didn’t work. Why would it work now?”
“I don’t know! I’ve never seen one of these things before. Why would I know?”
“You don’t have to be rude about it. Just help me summon some more water to put it out.”
“No, we have to smother it, remember? The last time we tried water the flames got bigger.”
“Hmm, true.”
“Princess...es.”
The sisters quickly turned to find two of their guards staring at the slack-jawed.
“W-what happened?” the guards asked in unison.
The sisters looked at each other, then looked back to the guards. “Take a letter please,” Celestia commanded, summoning a parchment and quill in front of Iron.
“Y-yes, your Highness,” Iron replied dutifully after taking the items in hoof.
“Dear…” Celestia paused and turned back to Luna, “Luna, which committee is in charge of the gymnasium?”
“I believe it is managed by the recreational committee.”
Celestia turned back to Iron.
“Dear Recreational Committee,
Today I have learned that gymnasium equipment is not designed for alicorns.
Apologies,
Princess Celestia.”
With both mind and body relaxed and cleansed from her recent trip to the royal bath, Celestia slowly approached the door to her room. Her attempts at exercise had done naught but cause destruction. Mortal devices simply weren’t made for alicorns, it seemed. Unfortunately, it meant that the night’s efforts were mostly in vain.
Her pace slowed with every step she took towards that door. Certainly her mind had relaxed in her time away from Twilight. But with the inevitable encounter now looming in front of her, the doubts and worries began to return.
She hadn’t accomplished anything so far. Not a single muscle burned with the heat of exertion, and her rump was still as beautifully rounded and soft as when she had stormed out on Twilight a few hours ago. Celestia wasn’t sure that she was ready to show her face, or her rear, to her love after such a dismal failure to address the problem that now stood between them.
However, the fear of shame was easily overcome by her concern for Twilight’s condition. The sweet lavender mare did have a tendency to overreact to things regarding Celestia. And after the way Celestia had left, angrily, without a word, it was possible that Twilight had spent the last few hours in another tizzy. What if Twilight was freaking out again, thinking she’d disappointed Celestia? Or worse, — a shiver ran down Celestia’s spine — what if Twilight had been crying her heart out all this time? What if Twilight thought she’d been dumped?
The two royal guards stationed by the door to Celestia’s room were promptly blown away as the ruler of the sun suddenly barreled by them, blowing the door they guarded wide open. The white mare burst into the room with an echoing shout, “Do not fear, my love! I am returned!”
Twilight was perched on their bed with an open book, as though she didn’t have a single care in the world.
Celestia’s vigor swiftly abandoned her when her lover nonchalantly shushed her for interrupting ‘the best part’ of whatever story she was currently indulged in.
“Um, Twilight…” Celestia made her way to their bed, her voice much quieter, “I’m sorry for yelling, but I was worried you might have taken my earlier exit the wrong way.”
The lavender mare looked up from her novel with a grin. “Hey, give me some credit here. I’m a princess too, now. I can’t afford to freak out over every tiny thing. Besides, you’ve only been gone for about two hours. I told myself I didn’t have permission to worry about you until after I’d finished at least ten books, and I’m currently still on number three.”
Celestia breathed a sigh of relief. It wasn’t often in recent years that her worst fears turned out to be unfounded.
“So, what were you up to?” Twilight asked, returning her gaze to her book.
“I was exercising.”
The book slammed shut. “What?! Why?”
The elder mare cocked a brow. “To lose weight,” she answered cautiously.
Twilight swiftly stood to face her. “You can’t lose weight! That’ll ruin my calculations!”
The sun’s gaze narrowed. “Why should that matter? I thought you’d be happy that I was trying to adjust my image for you.”
Lavender wings twitched. “Why would I be happy? I’m in the middle of very delicate research and you suddenly making massive changes to your body will ruin everything!”
“Oh, I see how it is.” Celestia nickered. “You don’t care about anything but your little project, hmm? Is that why you seemed unhappy that you let it all slip out? Not because you were worried about my feelings when you called me fat, but because you were worried about your research!”
Twilight recoiled, her wings drooped from her sides. “T-that’s not what I meant.”
“Isn’t it?”
The room fell silent as Twilight felt all of her courage whisked away.
Celestia’s horn lit up with a golden aura. From somewhere deep in the recesses of her closet, a small white square was summoned from its slumber and placed before her. “Fine! You want to know how much I weigh? I’ll just use this stupid scale Luna gave two years ago.”
Twilight was far too surprised at her lover’s sudden change of mind to even react. As Celestia stepped onto the tiny white square that was barely large enough for all four of her hooves to fit on it, two pairs of eyes fell upon the device’s wildly fluctuating display. After a few tense moments, the fluctuation ceased.
Twilight broke the silence. “Does… does that say ‘A lot’?”
A white muzzle scrunched itself in fury. White hooves clad in gold began to rise and fall in rapid succession, trampling the devious, prank of a gift into unrecognizable pieces which were further stamped into bits of metal and plastic dust. The matron of the sun loosed a primal scream before falling onto her bed in a pouting heap.
“I’m not fat!” she shouted over and over again, each sentence punctuated with a hoof slamming into the soft, plush mattress. Each impact caused Twilight to bounce in place upon the bed.
The lavender alicorn stared on at the sight of her lover’s emotional tantrum with a mixture of fear and laughter. It had been a rather humorous prank, one of Luna’s better ones she had to admit, but the timing could not have been worse. Still… “A lot,” Twilight accidently spoke aloud with small snerking sound.
The tantrum immediately ceased as pink eyes met violet. “It’s not funny. I’m not fat, I swear.”
Twilight wanted to take her seriously, honestly she did. But the that pouty little grin was too silly to see on such a refined mare as Celestia. It looked too much like one of those silly faces Celestia used to make for her when Twilight was just a little filly. The laughter came on stronger.
Unfortunately for Celestia’s dour mood, there was just something about seeing Twilight rolling around on her bed laughing that was utterly contagious. It wasn’t long before Celestia joined in the mirth.
Neither mare kept track of the time they’d spent allowing their laughter to melt away the day’s tension.
As things calmed down, Twilight managed to find the breath to speak. "Princess Celestia?"
The solar mare reclaimed control of herself and crawled over to Twilight before laying her head to rest on the upturned lavender belly. "Hm?"
For a moment, Twilight didn’t want to say anything else. She was perfectly content to revel in the the comforting touch of her love, even if the position was a bit odd. Despite that, there was still a question resting on the tip of her tongue that needed to be asked. "You’re still going to be working on losing weight, aren't you?"
Without lifting her head from its comfortable spot, Celestia turned to face Twilight. In a brief bout of inspiration, she chose to slowly rub her cheek in a small circle on Twilight’s tummy. The action elicited a wonderful little giggle from the the lavender mare that brought a warm smile to Celestia’s face. "Yes, Twilight."
Twilight hesitated, "Alright, but if that’s the case, I think I’m going to need you to keep rubbing my belly until I forget about that research.”
The alabaster smile shifted to a sly grin. “I shall do my best.”
Author's Note
This one's really light on the editing, so I apologize in advance for any errors.
Just incase the incomplete tag wasn't enough of an indication, this story isn't done yet. My schedule has been super crazy this past month and I just wasn't quite able to put the number of words to the page that I needed to publish this all at once. The next chapter is already being worked on, and I hope to have it out before the end of July.
Hope you all enjoy this first half of the story.
Celestia’s eyes slowly fluttered open. The Moon was low in the sky; its rays softly shimmering through her window to give her room a pleasantly pale illumination. Her forelegs pulled in against her chest, much to her surprise. It felt like something was missing, but her freshly woken mind could not quite place it. Her body proceeded to move according to her long ingrained routine and soon the Sun was peeking over the horizon.
A sudden noise drew her attention to the door to her room. “Princess!” Twilight exclaimed as the morning light cast her energetic expression with a soothing warmth.
“Twilight, it is good to see you, my love,” Celestia replied, the morning fog over her mind evaporated almost instantly, taking any concerns she had with it.
In seemingly no time at all the happy couple had hugged, kissed, and made their way onto the bed. “I’ve missed you so much, Twilight,” white hooves searched the lavender body for tension, stopping at each ball of stress and coaxing it into submission. Even better was how each victory rewarded Celestia with a series of pleasurable moans from her little lover. Twilight was the source of the world’s absolute cutest and most adorably sexy noises, and Celestia delighted in hearing them as much as she adored being responsible for them.
“You know, Twilight, I can’t think of a better way to spend a day,” Celestia mused aloud to her lavender lover splayed out beneath her. To her mild disappointment, Twilight had somehow been coherent enough during the massage to have started scribbling of notes about some subject she’d been refusing to talk about for the past few weeks, and Celestia was not in a mood to be ignored.
She craned her neck down to slowly nibble on Twilight’s ear. Her efforts only received a series of evasive flicks from her target. “Twilight, I have the whole day off for once, and you’re actually here in Canterlot and this is how you want to spend our time together?”
Finally, a notable reaction. Twilight looked up sheepishly. “Sorry, Princess–”
“Celestia,” Celestia corrected sharply.
“P–...Celestia…” Twilight’s face flushed red.
Celestia found herself awash with a strange feeling, as if she’d somehow already done this. She was suddenly aware of Twilight staring directly at her, her eyes begging for approval; Celestia smiled.
Twilight nodded and continued, “I’m sorry, it’s just that I’ve been doing some very interesting research the past few weeks–”
“And you can’t share it with me?” Celestia interrupted.
In a manner that Celestia was all too familiar with, Twilight reacted like a filly caught sneaking cookies from the royal kitchens.
“Please, Twilight, if this is something you find so engrossing, why not let me help you? You know I love doing research as much as you do.” Celestia snatched one of the pages of notes with her magic and swiftly perused it. “Oh, biology notes… and,” — Celestia snuck a sultry glance — “pictures and diagrams of me? How naughty, Twilight.”
Twilight, face redder than before, quickly lunged up to grab the note page with her hooves. She fell back down on her side clutching the note to her chest. “It’s not what it looks like!”
Celestia laughed softly, trying to ignore the creeping sensation of familiarity. “Twilight, there’s no need to be embarrassed. You’ve had a very personal view of me from back there; plenty of times I might add.”
Twilight glanced up to see her lover’s warm smile beaming down at her like the rays of some warm object in the sky. “That’s not the point. I’m not doing some perverted research on you!”
Celestia sighed. “I understand, Twilight. I’m sorry for teasing you about it.”
The younger alicorn visibly relaxed. “O-okay, as long as you understand I’m not some pervy delinquent…” Twilight suddenly found herself scooped up into a playful hug.
“I don’t think you are a pervert, Twilight. I just wanted to see you blush.” The white alicorn slipped a wing over Twilight as the younger alicorn settled in beside her, resting her head against Celestia’s strong neck. Celestia quite enjoyed the feeling as the creeping sensation from before seemed to fade slightly.
The smaller alicorn swallowed a nervous lump in her throat. “Well, the more I think about it, there’s not much reason to keep you in the dark anymore. N-not that I have some evil secret I’ve been keeping, I mean the research. Which is almost done… and I do actually, sort of, need your input on it.” She smiled nervously.
And suddenly that worrisome feeling was back in full force. There was just something about this situation she needed to change, something to take it off the expected course. Once more, Celestia put on her warm smile. “I don’t mind if you have things you need to do by yourself,” Celestia cut herself short.
Twilight gazed up with curiosity before shaking it off and launching into her explanation, “Right, so, I’ve been studying alicorn biology recently, now that there’s enough of us to pretend to be a sample-pool. During my studies, I’ve noticed something interesting about our physiques. Luna and Cadance, interestingly, share a very similar body shape, nearly identical in fact! Head and facial structure notwithstanding, of course, their physical proportions have less than a 0.000001% deviation. Then, examining me, I’ve found that since becoming an alicorn, my body is steadily becoming leaner, and my height seems to be increasing a bit as well. Both of these changes aren’t exactly fast, mind you, but I’ve compared Rarity’s files on my dress measurements before and after ascending, and extrapolated to a few years from now to find that my physical growths are trending to be in line with Luna and Cadance’s proportions.”
Nope, that didn’t work at all. The disturbing feeling was back in full force. “That’s fascinating Twilight.”
“Actually, your data is the most fascinating!” Celestia suddenly found a small blush on her cheeks. “You see, your proportions are similar, but at the same time very different. Specifically, your thighs and buttocks are larger than the expected proportions, given my other data.” — Celestia frowned slightly. She didn’t like where this was going. — “So, I was curious if you could tell me how much you weigh so I could complete my data set?”
With an expression devoid of amusement, Celestia responded. “Are you saying I’m fat?”
“That’s what I’m trying to figure out. You certainly aren’t fat by normal pony standards, and there really haven’t been any other alicorns to compare you with for a long time…” Twilight slowly stopped her mouth from committing further treason as Celestia’s face slid farther from its former glorious warmth into a slight frown. “Princess—”
The dread feeling slammed to the forefront of Celestia’s mind with full force. She was now positive of two things. First, she hated this conversation. Second, she was having deja vu of the worst conversation she’d had in a thousand years. "I'm not fat!" Celestia shouted, her anger exploding more than she expected. Twilight blinked in surprise. “I’m skinny and beautiful, just ask anypony,” she stated more calmly.
“Um, Princess, that’s not—”
Pink eyes narrowed. “Not what?”
Twilight fidgeted under the glare. Normally, it would have been quite enjoyable having the smaller mare squirming around under her wing like this, but the atmosphere just wasn’t right for enjoying things. “Twilight, explain how a bastion of slimness and beauty, the most gorgeous creature in all the world, can be fat.”
Twilight perked up at the request. Her eyes just a bit wider than normal, a small grin tugging at her lips. Celestia knew right away that she had made a mistake. This wasn’t Twilight being happy, or excited; this was Twilight being prepared.
Violet eyes closed as the grin extended into a full smile. Twilight had slipped into lecture mode. Celestia fought to keep her excitement dulled. This wasn’t going to be a fun lesson.
"That's precisely what my study is about,” Twilight began,lifting one hoof off the ground to strike a confident pose. “On your own, with no similar pony to compare you to, you seem like a thin, fit pony. But alicorns aren't regular ponies. Our wings are different from pegasus wings, our horns are longer than a unicorn's, and our bodies are physically larger and stronger than most earth ponies. Never mind the magical differences. Now, compared to Luna and Cadance, your proportions, while certainly not obese, are clearly larger in certain ways than the current majority of alicorns. Without more conclusive data, signs point to you at least having more fat on you than you should."
Celestia narrowed her eyes, “Then how do you explain my ability to eat anything I want and never gain weight?”
“How often do you weigh yourself?” Twilight retorted instantly.
Celestia immediately corrected her statement, “I never appear to gain weight.” Twilight finally reopened her eyes, a sign that Celestia knew all too well; Twilight didn’t have an answer to regurgitate verbatim. This was the track to take to push Twilight off of her prepared course.
“Oh, that just means you’ve likely found your body mass equilibrium in regards to your lifestyle.”
“That sounds an awful lot like some new fancy phrase Luna would hate.”
Twilight giggled, “It just means that, for your current lifestyle, what you eat and how much exercise you get every day, your body weight will remain roughly stable without making crucial changes.”
Celestia put on a large pout, “And that sounds like you don’t want me eating cake.”
“No, ‘crucial changes’ in this case means increasing physical activity—”
“Well if that’s what you’re after then you should just move back to Canterlot with me, Twilight. It’s so much more fun and tiring when I’m not all alone,” Celestia interjected, placing her wing around Twilight.
Twilight’s wings twitched and her face reddened, “Th–that’s not… please don’t interrupt like that. I’m trying to be serious about this.”
Celestia lowered her voice to a more sensual tone, “So am I.”
Twilight sighed deeply. “Crucial changes means extra physical activity and adjusting what foods you consume. While it is possible to see results by taking one side to an extreme, it is not nearly as effective as making smaller adjustments to both areas.”
“So, now you’re saying I have to trade some of my cake for more play time in bed with you?” Celestia’s pupils grew to take up nearly the entirety of her eyes, as her lips quivered in exaggerated despair.
The lavender muzzle scrunched. “If you want to completely misconstrue what I’m talking about, sure.”
“Oh, then I’m afraid you’ve lost me. What were we discussing?”
“Relative perception of what constitutes being thin.”
“Ah, yes, you were telling me how Luna’s existence factually disproves my beauty because she is slightly thinner than I am.”
“What? Princess, standards of beauty are completely irrelevant when talking about physical fitness levels. There are certain cultures that find skinny females to be far less attractive than plumper females.”
“I’m not plump.”
“I didn’t say you were.” Twilight opened her eyes, meeting Celestia’s gaze with an excited twinkle in her eyes. “If anything, I’d quantify you as soft.”
“I’m not soft. I am fit, toned, and very much in shape.”
“Not from my experience.”
A white muzzle scrunched itself slightly.
Twilight shrank slightly, “A-are you… upset with me?”
“Of course not. Why should I be upset when being fat is beautiful to some foreign culture and not right here in my own land?”
Twilight sighed. “I was worried you might take this the wrong way.”
“Then don’t be.”
“Fine. I’m not worried.” Twilight slid out from under the comfortable wing, her horn lit as her magic gathered up her research papers. “Since I’m not worried, I think I could use something to eat.” Twilight trotted over to Celestia’s work desk and placed her stack of notes into a drawer with her name on it. She turned back to Celestia, “Shall we have some breakfast, then?”
The elder alicorn did not respond immediately. “Very well. I think I shall abstain, however. I wouldn't wish to keep being fat.”
“You said that you weren’t worried about this.”
“No, I said you should not worry about this.”
“Fine, if you don’t want something to eat, then I’ll go get something by myself.” Twilight trotted quickly over to the door. “I’ll be back in a bit,” she remarked without turning to face Celestia.
The door opened and closed, and now the room was a bit more empty.
Celestia sighed. This was not her idea of a perfect day. Not even a bit.
She hopped off her bed and made her way over to her desk. She glared at the single labeled drawer. It was the one drawer she couldn’t touch, and yet it contained the one thing she didn’t want in her room right now.
The dawnbringer settled for muttering an ancient curse or three about the dread documents before swiftly turning to her bookshelf and pulled out a random tome. Something to take her mind off of things sounded wonderful right now.
Celestia quickly plopped down onto her favorite pile of purple pillows and cracked open the book. She hesitated on the very first line. This was not something she was in the mood for. She promptly levitated her favorite tome of baking recipes back to its place on her shelf.
“Of all the times to pull that book out, it just had to be when I can’t have anything sweet.”
Having already settled into a comfortable spot, Celestia wasn’t keen on getting up just to find a book to read. She cast a glance to the bookshelf and picked another tome out with her magic. This time, she actually bothered reading the title first. “Applied Magical Resonance,” she sighed, her frustration turning the act into something closer to a growl. Celestia didn’t even need to look to remember the author. “The first book that Twilight and I read together.” It was immediately banished to the shelf.
The alicorn glanced back to her bookshelf once more. “Oh, who am I trying to fool? Everything there right now is something Twilight put there for me.” Escaping her thoughts of Twilight was never something she’d needed to consider before, and now that she was trying, it was starting to seem an impossible task.
The more she tried to distract herself, the more she thought about the lavender mare that had changed her life in so many ways. And each joyous thought brought a little nagging feeling with it. The simple reminder that Twilight thought she was fat.
She was supposed to be tall, and slim, and mysteriously stay that way no matter what. How could she possibly have become fat? If Twilight noticed, had anypony else? Certainly somepony had to notice!
The royal guards spent enough time around her every day that they were bound to notice any obvious changes in her figure. Celestia hadn’t really made time to oversee her guards’ training recently, not since Luna insisted on taking up that duty some months ago. Clearly, it was time for an impromptu inspection.
Celestia made her way down the various hallways of the castle towards the barracks. Each step was a little faster than her normal gait. Not enough for Celestia herself to notice, but enough that the echoes of each step told the various staff of the castle to stay out of her way. This was a princess with a place to be.
It was not a terribly long trip, a few minutes at a good pace; however, Celestia was unable to keep her mind idle. Plans and strategies were formed and filed with practiced efficiency that few could comprehend. She needed to be prepared.
By the time she arrived, the solar mare was feeling quite confident. Still irritated, but confident. Such simple and elegant plans could not possibly fail her here. All she had to do was catch somepony staring at her. If she truly was still beautiful, even a well trained guard with their stoic expressions should still want to take a good look if they thought they could get away with it unnoticed.
She stepped outside the castle and into the barracks courtyard. It was a nice open grassy area often used for training and drills. Much like her plans, the weather was perfect and sunny. The warm golden rays of her sun always brought out a wonderful glow to her pristine white coat. There was no better opportunity to be had.
Celestia’s focus shifted from her inner thoughts back to her outward senses. The guards were out and about, many were in small groups scattered around the place performing various training exercises. None had yet shown any hint of noticing her.
Just as she made to move forward, she heard her name being shouted across the field.
“Princess Celestia!”
She turned to face her caller only to find a most unexpected surprise. There, at the far end of the field, stood Shining Armor and Cadance. Strange. Celestia could not recall any news about them arriving in Canterlot. Now that the pair was waving at her, she could hardly ignore their beckoning. With her senses at the ready, she began her walk across the field, making certain that her hips swayed with each step.
She glanced around as much as one could without being suspicious. Guards all across the field had taken notice of her, but that was most likely because her name had been shouted. The real trick was seeing just how long she could keep their attention.
To her dismay, Celestia noticed that, despite her efforts, not a single guard was paying her any mind by the time she arrived at her niece and nephew-in-law. “Hello, Shining Armor, Cadance. To what do we owe this surprise visit?”
Shining Armor responded, “Well, you know, sometimes it’s nice to take a little vacation. Maybe check up on my little sister while we’re here. Nothing too fancy.”
Cadance answered next, “It has been months since we’ve been able to make a trip anywhere. Like Shining, I was hoping we’d be able to catch Twilight while she was here. And of course, say hi to some friends around the castle.”
“I see,” Celestia remarked, her lips quickly shifting to her practiced smile at the mention of a certain pony she was trying not to think about. “I believe Twilight is currently having breakfast in the dining hall, if you wish to join her.”
Cadance’s happy expression was replaced with one of concern. “And you are out here?”
“Unless I’m not real, I do believe that I am indeed right here.”
Concern became worry. Cadance knew Celestia enough to see through such a poor deflection. Celestia was not going to discuss her personal concerns in public. She had to gather information before Cadance grew too suspicious. It was risky, but her plans could still work with Shining Armor. In fact, what could be a better reassurance of her beauty than if she could draw his gaze right in front of his wife? Even just a simple glance or two was all she needed now.
“That reminds me,” Celestia moved her gaze to address Shining Armor, “I was hoping to get your opinion on some of the guards’ training practices.”
Shining immediately lit up, his chest puffing out just a bit. “I’d be happy to help, Princess Celestia.”
The radiant alicorn promptly swiveled in place, making certain that her former guard captain had the best possible view she could provide of her rump. Celestia pointed at one group of guards across the field. “What do you think of those soldiers over there?”
Shining answered with no noticeable difference in tone.“Your Highness? I can’t really get a good view of them. You’re blocking the way, ma’am.”
Celestia pointedly stepped to the side only to notice Shining had been attempting to lean around where she had been standing.
“Is this any better?”
The stallion nodded enthusiastically. “Yeah, much better. I mean, no offense, but you really aren’t easy to see around.”
“I shall keep that in mind,” she answered curtly.
Cadance stepped forward. “Auntie, are you alright?”
“Perfectly fine,” Celestia replied a bit too quickly.
Cadance narrowed her gaze. “So perfectly fine that you aren’t having breakfast with Twilight?”
“I wasn’t hungry yet.”
Suddenly, Shining’s expression turned to one of shock. “I always thought you needed to eat a lot, you know, given how big you are?” A pink hoof socked his shoulder. “Ow, that hurt Cady.”
Cadance grinned slyly, “I thought you liked it rough.” The stallion fidgeted nervously, a small blush rising in his cheeks.
“Not on my shoulder, I don’t,” he replied nervously.
Cadance’s grin grew larger. “I see how it is. It’s all fun and games when you get to embarrass me in front of Auntie Luna, but when I get the upper hoof in front of Auntie Celestia, suddenly it isn’t so fun anymore.”
“Cady, honey—”
“No no, I’ll have plenty of fun with you about this later. For now, I just remembered that I need to talk to Auntie Celestia about some mare things. Why don’t you go rub knees with some of your old friends. I think I see Captain Russet over there.” Cadance unceremoniously shoved her husband away before motioning for Celestia to follow her.
The sounds of stallions laughing could be heard behind her as Celestia walked through an archway leading back to the castle proper. Her stride slowed to match the smaller alicorn’s as her thoughts began racing once more. There hadn’t been any reason to prepare for Cadance; Celestia hadn’t even known she was coming here. Immaculate marble floors clicked with each step as the mental faculties of two alicorns roared to life with awkward silence.
Celestia knew she had been caught. Cadance was too clever and knew her too well to have not noticed something was wrong. Never mind that whole Domain of Love power her niece possessed. The Alicorn Domains were not a well studied subject, but Celestia was fairly certain Cadance’s granted her a special sense specifically for detecting relationship problems. That brought with it the uncomfortable dread of wondering if it was even possible to bluff her way out of this situation.
Cadance broke the silence far too soon for Celestia’s liking. “So, Auntie, are you going to keep playing games, or are you going to let me help?”
That sent a shiver down Celestia’s spine. That was the kind of threat Luna used; and that sing-song tone of her niece’s voice as she said it only served to reinforce that Celestia had made a very poor choice. She never should have let Luna stay in the Crystal Empire for six full months.
“I see you’ve made the most of Luna’s vacation,” Celestia answered incorrectly.
Cadance’s horn flashed with power. Before Celestia could even begin to figure out what her niece had done, Cadance spoke, “I believe the most important lesson I learned from Auntie Luna was to not beat around the bush when I want something.”
“Cadance…” Celestia trailed off as she found herself suddenly intimidated by the young ruler’s stern gaze. This wasn’t the cheerful, soft, energetic alicorn she had helped raise and train; this was a mother about to lecture a misbehaving filly.
“What did Twilight do?”
To Celestia, it sounded more like a command than a question. She glanced around only to find that she had somehow let Cadance lead her into a dead end hallway. Anything short of teleportation was not going to help her escape, and given the glow of Cadance’s horn, Celestia suspected even that was off the table.
“Being quiet isn’t going to make this easier, Celestia.”
“So that’s what that feels like,” Celestia thought. Rather, that’s what she probably would have thought if her mind had not been preoccupied with trying to force a dozen different answers out her mouth simultaneously. It was absolutely a testament to Cadance’s willpower that the incomprehensible verbal mess that Celestia had uttered didn’t even draw a smirk. Celestia mentally patted herself on the back and congratulated herself for raising an excellent figure of authority, and then promptly swallowed the lump in her throat.
Cadance waited, her expression unwavering.
Steeling herself, Celestia took a step forward, mustering her most stoic and regal posture and expression. She stood as a marble pillar in the heart of the storm’s eye.
“You know Twilight didn’t mean to hurt you.”
Marble crumbled to ash like used coal.
“She thinks I’m fat.” Celestia’s eyes felt wet for some reason. Before she could even avert her gaze, the eldest alicorn found herself swept up into a hug.
“It’s all going to be okay, Auntie. I’m sure it won’t be too much trouble to add a bit of pudge to all of your statues.”
“I’m not fat,” Celestia stated flatly.
The hug broke as Cadance slipped suddenly around to Celestia’s side. “Oh, I don’t know about that,” Cadance replied with very serious tone, “Have you looked in a mirror lately?”
To her dismay, Celestia realized that she had not actually looked at a mirror in a long time. She never changed, so what was there to look at? She suddenly craned her neck around to get a better view of herself.
“You’re looking a bit serious there, Auntie.”
“I can’t be fat. I have to be beautiful and slim and perfect,” Celestia responded swiftly. The elder alicorn scowled, unhappy with her current view. She suddenly dropped to the floor and rolled over onto her back in order to stare at her belly.
“See, I was wondering what had you so desperate for attention that you’d actually think shoving your rump into my husband’s face while I’m standing next to him was a good idea,” Cadance said as her usual playful tone started to bleed through. Her slight grin fell when Celestia ignored her and instead wiggled around to find a better view of herself. Cadance took a long breath followed by a heavy sigh.
“Auntie, you look the same as always.”
“Don’t lie to me!” Celestia snapped.
A pink muzzle scrunched. “Okay, I was going to lecture you, but now I think I’m just going to drag you to Twilight and have the two of you talk this out.” A second layer of power surrounded Cadance’s horn as the alabaster alicorn was unceremoniously lifted into the air. Celestia panicked with all the grace one would expect from the ruler of Equestria, known for a thousand years as the pinnacle of grace and serenity, if grace and serenity looked like a dog trying to run away from a visit to a veterinarian.
“No! I can’t see Twilight until I’m thinner!” Celestia protested to a deaf audience.
It wasn’t until the third confused stare of a castle servant that Celestia finally stopped trying to run. Instead, she decided to minimize further rumors among the staff by simply crossing her forelegs and fixing her expression into one of pure exasperation. She had to make sure anypony who saw this spectacle knew that this form of transportation was utterly beneath her dignity.
Eventually, after countless minutes, Cadance flung open the doors to the dining hall. However, much to the Love Princess’ dismay, Twilight was not there. A quick glance at the table revealed an untouched plate of food, likely Celestia’s breakfast that the staff brought out of habit when Twilight showed up.
Before Celestia could protest, she was placed in her seat at the head of the table. She looked down at the still steaming pancakes; two stacks of five each covered in and layered between strawberries and whipped cream. A small side of hash browns, lightly salted and topped with ketchup and a tall glass of orange juice sat to the side. The whole meal looked unloved as Celestia glared at it angrily while trying to ignore the tempting aromas.
“Eat,” Cadance ordered.
“I’m not hungry,” Celestia’s stomach growled in protest. Frowning, she replied, “I don’t need you doting over me like I’m a foal.”
“Your behavior says otherwise,” Cadance retorted as she gracefully sat down next to Celestia. “Do I need to start up the train?” A fork levitated up tauntingly.
“I’m fine,”Celestia argued.
Cadance smirked, “If you skip this meal that's literally admitting that you agree that you're fat." Cadance had never thought she would see the day that her most elegant and cultured Aunt Celestia would be chowing down straight off the plate, much akin to a certain lavender pony she knew when hayburgers were placed in front of her.
In mere seconds one stack of pancakes had vanished, the only signs of ever having existed were the few specks of whipped cream around Celestia’s muzzle and a small dribble of strawberry compote on her chin.
“You know, if you weren’t so busy being mad at Twilight, she’d have been happy to clean that up for you,” Cadance teased as she pointed at Celestia’s face. Instead of the laugh she had hoped for, Cadance’s wit was only rewarded with another nearly disturbing display as her aunt banished her remaining breakfast from the face of Equestria.
Her foe vanquished, Celestia turned to glare defiantly at Cadance, “I’m not fat.”
“You know, that stopped being cute already.”
“If I eat another helping will you stop bothering me?”
The door they had entered from swung open as Shining Armor strolled in. His gaze met Cadance’s, before the pink alicorn turned back to Celestia, “I’m going to go talk to Twilight, is she in your room?”
Celestia nodded as Shining Armor sat down on her other side. “Hey, Cady, Your Highness.” The former slipped around the latter to come up behind him. “Going to find Twilight?” Cadance smiled before planting a deep kiss on his lips, the kind that lasted just long enough to make company feel both awkward and jealous.
Once Cadance had had her prize, her mood perked up quite noticeably. With nary a wave goodbye the pink mare pronked out of the room, courteously closing the door behind her.
Shining spoke the moment the door was shut, “Sorry, but I’m going to have to forego the pleasantries, Celestia.” The mare in question found herself silently wishing for another round of pancakes so she’d have any excuse at all to seem distracted from this conversation.
“I’m going to start with the light stuff. I’m sorry if what I said earlier upset you. I live with Cadance, teasing is basically second nature to me these days.”
Celestia waited a few moments as the silence grew, not quite sure if she was supposed to be responding yet, or if the real lecture hadn’t begun.
“I must apologize for my behavior as well,” she replied the very instant before the silence grew awkward.
Shining smiled briefly, before his expression solidified into the statuesque near-scowl that royal guards were known for. “I’ll pass that on to the guards later. You should know, strutting around like that makes them very uncomfortable. It was one thing to take a glance at you when you were single; at least then there was the faintest dream that a healthy stallion could get close enough to you.” He paused, narrowing his eyes slightly before continuing. “Now you’re with one of the most terrifying mares on the planet, and frankly, most of the guards are afraid Twilight might do something to them if they’re caught looking at you the wrong way.”
Celestia was offended, both personally and by proxy for Twilight, at the mere thought that Twilight would harm somepony. She clearly made a poor effort to hide her welling anger as Shining raised a forehoof defensively.
“Whoa, easy there. I was going to talk with you about this today regardless , but circumstance being what they are, it may not have come up at the best time. It’s nothing gravely serious, but there are a ton of rumors and speculation flying around within the guard’s ranks, and I think you and Twilight need to officially address the situation before it gets out of hoof any further.”
Celestia took a deep breath, exhaling much of her tension. “I have the feeling you need to discuss other things with me first. Remind me of this before you leave Canterlot so that we can talk more clearly without this spectre hanging over the discussion.”
Shining nodded, but stayed silent.
Celestia took the opportunity to take a few more calming breaths.
Suddenly, the stallion broke the silence, "You know, I was pretty oblivious to a mare's signals when I was younger, but you really learn a lot when you're married. I know what you were trying to do back there and, as much as Twilight's brother as Cadance's husband, I'm quite disappointed in you right now. Whatever is going on between you and Twily, your feelings need to stay between you and her. Trust me, Twilight is the only one in your life who needs to find you attractive, no pony else's opinion on your appearance should matter."
Celestia laid her head down on the table with a resigned sigh. "Her opinion is precisely what has me acting so... strangely."
"All the more reason to focus on her. If she's saying or doing something that bothers you so much you start acting like this, then you had better talk it out with her.” Shining leveled a gaze at his sovereign that in any other circumstance would have been treasonous. “I promise that you don't want to be talking it out with me if Twily ends up getting hurt because you can't keep your head on straight."
Celestia might have withered at his glare if she wasn’t more afraid of the thought of hurting Twilight than she was of Shining Armor’s threat. "We...do seem to have that effect on each other; making each other worry far too much about some things," — her thoughts drifted back to earlier that morning — “Although I believe Twilight is making more progress with that than I am lately.”
“That’s good,” A hint of a smile appeared on his face. “Worrying means you are important to each other. Sure, too much of it can be unhealthy, but there should always be a bit of concern in there.” Shining leaned in closer, as if to whisper. “The real secret is to—”
“To know when to act upon it,” Celestia finished. “I… still seem to forget that sometimes when it involves Twilight.” Shining smiled for her briefly before returning to his neutral expression. “I just,” —she paused, searching for the right words— “can’t keep my guard up when I’m alone with her.”
“Isn’t that a good thing?” Shining asked with more curiosity in his tone than he had intended.
Celestia finally raised her head from the table to gaze squarely at Shining Armor. “I’ve had my guard up for over a thousand years, with only a few fleeting moments of relaxation in all that time. Having my guard down feels alien; my mind keeps screaming that I’m becoming weak and I’m paranoid that my fears might be right.”
The stallion sat silent, taking in the magnitude of the secret he’d just been told.
“Can you understand that, Shining Armor?”
Shining waited a single, courteous moment before answering. “Promise me you won’t get angry with what I’m going to tell you.”
“Very well,” Celestia replied promptly, “I promise.”
Shining nodded. “Luna told us about your history with love. She, rather, the three of us found an old store of crystal berry wine in our castle’s basement. Stuff from before the empire vanished,” he smiled fondly, “Good stuff.”
Celestia frowned. “Please tell me Luna didn’t drink it all.”
Shining Armor laughed. “No, no. Nothing quite so bad. We all shared a single bottle. Can’t waste this kinda thing on a single night’s bingeing where you won’t even remember if it was good or not.” The mare’s frown leveled out. “Didn’t stop it from loosening lips though. Anyway, she told us what you told her about your past three lovers.”
“That’s what I get for trying to have a bit of uninterrupted time with Twilight,” Celestia remarked snidely.
“Wait,” Shining practically did a double take, “that’s why you sent her to the Crystal Empire? Cady and I thought you were mad at us.”
Curiosity found its way to the great alicorn’s face. “Why would you think that?”
“Luna had a note, signed by you, claiming that I was having trouble attending to Cadance’s needs.”
“I never wrote a note like that…”Celestia trailed off as her thoughts wandered to the past. “That might explain why she insisted on having me sign a blank scroll, though.”
Shining leveled an incredulous gaze at her, “She came stuffed in a box filled with packing peanuts, carrying another box full of her adult toys.”
The diarch’s expression brightened. “Well, that part was completely my doing.”
“Even the toys? Did you have to send those?”
“Of course!” Celestia exclaimed in her most innocent tone. “She has a two-way recall enchantment on them.”
Shining opened his mouth but promptly closed it.
Celestia snickered, “Honestly though, she had the box in hoof when I shoved her into the crate.”
Shining sighed. “Alright, I can accept that, but you should still apologize to Cadance later.
“So, as I was saying, she told us about your past lovers. Do you think, perhaps, that there is just a teensy-weensy little chance that some residual guilt might be influencing your behavior right now?”
“You think I am worrying too much.” It was not really a question.
“A bit. You know, Twilight is absolutely crazy about you. And, maybe more importantly, very stubborn about what she likes. I know you don’t think you have the best track record, but sometimes I think you underestimate just how determined Twilight can be when she wants something. And I don’t think she has wanted anything as much as she has wanted you.”
Warmth flooded her entire being. Celestia’s heart and wings grew restless as she tried in vain to fight the rising flush in her cheeks. “Ah,” she began before suddenly finding herself short on breath, “I see you,” —one deep breath, then another in half the time— “You certainly know just what to say to a mare.”
Shining smiled, much the same way as when he was appointed captain of the guard. “Well, if you don’t mind a bit of bragging, I do live with the best teacher in the world when it comes to sweet talking.”
Celestia turned and awkwardly batted at her wings. “Oh, darn it. Just behave already,” she whispered to the feathery appendages. Finding no obedience, she turned back to Shining Armor. “Well, aside from getting an old mare all flustered, do you have anything else to say that might help? I have had centuries to get those ancient feelings sorted out and it seems I’m simply no good at it.”
“To quote a wise and beautiful mare; you can’t fix a broken heart if you keep pretending it isn’t broken.”
Celestia sat in silence.
Before the conversation could continue, a very not-pronking pink alicorn stormed into the room, only stopping when she was mere centimeters from Celestia’s face.
“You need to go talk to Twilight,” she commanded.
The solar diarch opened her mouth to reply but a pink hoof shoved her muzzle shut.
“That wasn’t a request, missy.”
Celestia nodded without a word.
“Well? Get going!” the mare ordered.
With nary another glance, Celestia obeyed. Just as she reached the threshold to the hallway outside, her stride halted. She turned her head to face Cadance and Shining Armor. “Thank you.”
“If you want to thank me, then hurry up! I still want to spend time with you and Twilight that doesn’t involve relationship counseling!” Cadance exclaimed.
Celestia smiled and trotted out of the room.
Once again, Celestia walked through the castle halls with a purpose. Only this time, she had a slight detour in mind first.
