What It Says On The Tin
View Online

The Unadulterated Unaltered Account of the Great Ponyville Shift And The Subsequent Orgy That Followed

What It Says On The Tin

The Unadulterated Unaltered Account of the Great Ponyville Shift And The Subsequent Orgy That Followed

It was morning in Ponyville, but it did not shimmer and it did not shine. Well, literally speaking, it was shining in that the sun was up, but only just. That was all well and good for a farmer like Applejack, but for late risers the likes of a Rainbow Dash or a Spike, the asscrack of dawn just stunk. Try back at the crack of noon, thank you very much.

Spike had been looking forward to the opportunity to sleep in for once. His friend/adopted sister/slavemaster, Princess Twilight Sparkle had taken a trip to Canterlot yesterday to visit her mentor, Princess Celestia for a small, quiet birthday celebration. Celestia’s birthday was known only to a select few closest to her, so it was quite the honor for Twilight to attend the private party.

Spike was not invited. Not that he was bitter about it.

Twilight was due back from her trip later today and while he was irritated about not being invited along, Spike had been beyond pleased to able to sleep in and not have to worry about “Spike, make sure we quadruple check the pre-checklist checklist!” But that was ruined when he was woken up just after dawn in the middle of burping up a scroll from the princess. It had read thus:

SPIKE

CONVENING EMERGENCY MEETING STOP

GATHER ALL ADULTS IN TOWN IMMEDIATELY STOP

NO FOALS NO ELDERS STOP

MEET AT CASTLE IN ONE HOUR STOP

WILL BE THERE SOON STOP NO SERIOUSLY STOP THAT I’M TRYING TO WRITE A NOTE H

So much for his morning off. Spike had no idea what this was about, but he was nothing if not an obedient little servant and gathered all of the town’s adults. That pretty much just entailed finding Pinkie Pie; who was already awake. Or maybe she never went to sleep. Or maybe she NEVER SLEPT. She was Pinkie after all. He just needed to fill her in and let her round everypony up using her freaky deaky powers.

And now here they were. Every adult pony in town, as well as, as far as Spike could tell, a zebra, a griffon, and a minotaur, was gathered at Twilight’s new crystal treehouse castle playset. (KIDS, ASK YOUR PARENTS!) It grew during the recent Tirek incident and he and Twilight took up residence after their previous home was transmogrified into a debris field. The castle was gaudy as all Tartarus, it raised the property tax of the entire town, it completely altered the flow of the air currents and leylines in the region, and to top it off, the living area was a loft. But Spike finally got his own real bed, so he chalked it up as a win.

Twilight was happy with it as well since apparently castle ownership had been the last requirement she needed to meet to be inducted into the ultra-secret Private Order Of Princesses. All of the best princesses were members: Celestia, Cadence, uhh… Celestia? And now Twilight. She had to officially name the castle on her application form, but to her surprise, her first choice, “Midnight Castle”, along with just about any other decent name, was already taken. Her next choice, the utilitarian “Princess Twilight Sparkle’s Domicile”, was vetoed by Spike and in turn she vetoed his name, “Happy Friend Tree”. They agreed to a compromise and now all of the town’s adults were gathered at Twilight’s “Castle Of Camaraderie & Kinship”.

The note had said to meet in one hour, but now it was coming up on an hour and fifteen minutes and ponies were starting to grumble. Loudest among them was a boisterous voice coming from a light blue mare in a robe and wizard hat. The ponies around her eyed her warily, lest she lose her mind again, become enraged, and charge them.

“Late to the show! Typical Sparkle!” she shouted haughtily.

“What’re you even doin’ here, Trixie?” demanded Applejack.

“The Great and Powerful,” she started in her showiest voice. At this point she noticed the hostile looks she was receiving and caught herself. She cleared her throat and continued more quietly, “and Recently Humbled Trixie was invited. Her past sins were forgotten and she received a royal invitation to perform in Ponyville today.”

Rainbow Dash, standing next to Applejack, narrowed her eyes. “Yeah, well… I got my eye on you. Both of ‘em,” she growled.

Applejack turned to Dash. “Speakin’ o’ distrustful minor antagonists, what’s with this one?” she asked, gesturing to the griffon on the other side of the pegasus.

“What about me?” glared Gilda.

“Ah reckon last time ya visited Ponyville it weren’t exactly on the best terms.”

“Hey, lay off Gilda, AJ. Yeah, we had a fight. Friends fight sometimes. Duh,” Dash reassured her. “But ol’ fishbreath over here came yesterday to make up. And she promised to be nice to everypony this time, isn’t that right?” Dash stressed the last bit and elbowed her griffon friend.

“Hunh?” Gilda asked, in the middle of slurping down her breakfast, a whole tuna. “Oh yah. Shuh. Wah-evah.”

Applejack frowned and raised an eyebrow. “Alllllright. If’n you vouch for her, that’s good enough fer me. As long as you take responsibility for her and she don’t bully Fluttershy again none.” She looked back at the butter yellow pegasus trying to hide behind her tail.

Rarity chose that moment to return to her little group of friends. “Well girls, I’ve asked around and it seems that boorish Iron Will is here because he was scheduled to give one of his… ‘presentations’ in town today.”

“What?” Trixie cried. “But Trixie was to perform today! Trixie wishes to speak to whoever does this town’s scheduling!”

Spike was both confused and impressed. “Wow. Trixie and Iron Will and Gilda all just happen to be here at the same time?”

“Yeah, talk about your stupid coincidences!” agreed Pinkie. “You couldn’t make that up if you tried! Nopony would believe it! They’d call you a hack! And believe me, I’ve tried!”

Her friends, the showmare, and the griffon all jumped and exclaimed in surprise. “Pinkie! Where’d you come from! You weren’t here a second ago!” Rainbow Dash sputtered.

“Yes, I was,” Pinkie countered.

“No, you weren’t.”

“Yeeess, I waaaaas!”

She actually wasn’t, but that’s Pinkie for you. Now, the intricacies and logistics of the eighth-dimensional nature of Pinkie Pie, as well as the five minute back and forth between her and Dash aren’t important to this story and we’ve dawdled long enough, so let’s get to the point, shall we?

Dash and Pinkie’s argument was interrupted by sudden fanfare, followed by a dual proclamation.

“Presenting!” called one voice.

“Presenting!” called a second.

“Presenting!” they called together. “Her royal majesty! The princess... of friendship! Twilight Sparkle!”

Hovering just outside the large doors that were open to the grand balcony were two royal guards with long horns. The musical kind of horns I mean. They were pegasi so they didn’t have horn horns. One was a standard generic white guard and the other was orange with- Hey! That’s that Flash Sentry! Get him out of here! G-Get him out of here!!

The two generic white pegasi guards landed and stood aside. Then down came the main event, Twilight’s landing.

“Late as usual,” muttered Trixie. Actually, Twilight was known for her meticulous attention to quality and detail, and of course, her punctuality, so this was unusual. But Trixie’s few dealings with Twilight had all involved the latter showing up late, so we’ll forgive the wizard pony this time. Regardless of her usual habits, Twilight was tardy this time and the townsponies were suitably miffed.

“Yo, Twi, what’s the hold up!?” shouted Rainbow Dash.

“Indeed, dear. Twenty minutes late is unlike you. It’s most unbecoming to keep a lady waiting,” agreed Rarity. She was echoed by a chorus of grumblings from the rest of the town.

Twilight cleared her throat and stamped her hoof to call for quiet. “My little ponies, I’m sure you’re wondering why I’ve gathered you here this morning. I am sorry to have been so sudden, but we have an emergency! ...Maybe. There are changelings among us!”

A collective gasp rolled through the assembled masses along with a fair number of shouts of panic. In particular, that really overly melodramatic mare (You know the one. Dramaaaa!) let loose with a hearty, “THE HORROR! SWEET CELESTIA!”

“What?” Twilight looked over the crowd in confusion. “Oh, right. No, sorry. I meant that maybe there are changelings among us.” The more jumpy members of the crowd calmed at this, and the calmer ponies rolled their eyes at the princess’s needless antics.

“In Canterlot, it was brought to my attention that just because the changeling horde was repelled from Canterlot one time, doesn’t mean the threat of invasion is eliminated from the entire country forever. I mean, come on, really? Did we just forget that they existed after the Canterlot wedding? What’s the deal?”

The collective Ponyville consciousness murmured it’s admittance to a good point.

Twilight continued. “Ponyville, in particular, is a prime target and has been remiss in counter-changeling inspections. That, my good ponies, is why I’ve gathered you here at my Castle Of Camaraderie & Kinship! I’ve created a mass changeling detection spell based on the changeling’s own magic. I’m going to cast it now on everypony in town and flush out any insectile invaders!”

The crowd was silent for a beat.

“Seriously?” asked Rainbow Dash at last.

“That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard!” somepony yelled from somewhere near the back of the crowd.

Applejack took a step forward. “Twi, sugarcube, I love ya, but you don’t ‘zactly have the best track record when it comes to this sort of thing. Like, at all. Just awful.”

Rarity stepped up beside Applejack and laid a hoof across her withers to calm her. “Twilight, what Applejack means to say is that your history of large scale spells, or experimental spells for that matter, is a tad, shall we say, ...unpredictable. Casting changeling magic over the entire town? You’re liable to accidentally turn yourself or somepony else into one of those ghastly bugs. And then we’d have a panic and it would all be just dreadful.”

Twilight laughed off her friends concerns. “Oh, don’t be ridiculous. That would be silly. This is perfectly safe. Now, let’s-”

“What about the kids?” She was cut off by a random townspony.

“What’s that?”

“What about the kids?” the mare asked again. “If anypony could be a changeling, why aren’t the foals here? Or the old ponies for that matter? Why only the adults and Spike?”

“Oh. Um, yes. Well… There’s a very simple explanation for that, um… Sunshine?”

“Nope, I’m Cloudkicker,” corrected Cloudkicker.

“Right. Right. Well, you see…” Twilight stammered. “Oh! Changelings can’t become foals. Yes, that’s the ticket! Conservation of mass, or… something. And why would a changeling want to turn into an old pony? What could they even-” She stopped in mid-sentence and her smile of triumph, previously confident in her superior explanation, turned to a frown. “Wait, Spike is here? I said ‘adults only’.”

“Oh come on, Twilight. I’m your number one assistant. I have to be here. I should get to stay since I already did all the work in getting everypony here,” Spike argued. He actually hadn’t. That was Pinkie.

“No.”

“Pleeeeeaase?” he whined.

Twilight seemed to think it over for a few seconds before coming to a decision. “Hmm. Yes, this has possibilities. But first we’ll have to age you up.”

“What!?” Twilight’s friends gasped in unison.

“‘Age me up’? Like, make me older? Why?” Spike questioned.

“Because reasons!” Twilight barked. “It’s magic! I don’t need to explain anything to you! Unless you’d rather sit out. But when you’re surrounded by changelings, don’t come crying to me.”

“Hey, I like the idea,” countered Spike. “If I’m older, I might have a chance with-”

“Do not even say it,” hissed Rarity.

He didn’t say it because Twilight had zapped him before he could. In seconds, the dragon grew before their eyes. Though not much. He was taller, but still short, gangly, yet somehow still chubby at the same time. Just all arms and legs and paunch.

“Whoa. That was weird,” he croaked, revealing his voice had deepened.

“There,” Twilight huffed impatiently. “You’re legal age. Now you can stay.”

“Legal for what?” Dash asked absently.

“Wait a tick. Twi, I thought only the highest level magic users could do age spells?” wondered Applejack.

Twilight rolled her eyes. “Princess, remember?” she reminded them. Then she stomped a hoof and announced, “Well! If there are no further objections-” The crowded rumbled a host of further objections. “-then let’s begin!”

Twilight closed her eyes and began to channel magic into her horn. It glowed with a swirl of her normal pink magic, a sickly green. Twilight kicked off into the air and opened her eyes, revealing them to be glowing white as well, just as she unleashed the spell. A wave of energy washed over the crowd, seeping into each pony. Twilight landed softly as the last of the glow faded from the last pony and it was over. As she looked out over the assembly, her satisfied smile gave way to a frown of confusion.

“Aw. Well, that didn’t work,” she groaned.

“Was that it?” somepony called out.

“Was something supposed to happen?” somepony else wondered aloud.

“Why doesn’t Fluttershy get to talk?” a quiet voice asked.

“Doesn’t this mean nopony is a changeling?” asked Pinkie. “This is great! Now I can throw a-” But everypony had learned to tune Pinkie out long ago, so nopony heard her yammering about the “Yay-Everypony-Is-Exactly-Who-They-Say-They-Are party”.

“Hmm. I must have miscalculated. Perhaps didn’t take into account the lower power output,” Twilight muttered to herself.

“Are we done?” moaned Gilda. “Good, ‘cause I’m outtie.” With that she lept into the air and soared out the door and over the balcony. The first pony; or in this case, griffon; leaving was all it took to break the dam and the rest of the crowd shuffled out of the castle to go about their days.

--=Later That Day=--

Despite the day’s… unusual start, it was shaping up to be a nice one. Noon in Ponyville really did shimmer and shine. The sun was bright and cheery, there were just enough fluffy clouds in the sky to go cloud watching should one wish to, and the temperature was not too hot or too cold. It goes to show what can happen when Ponyville’s weather manager gets off her lazy flank and gets her job done early, when she’s supposed to.

Rainbow Dash’s poor work ethic aside, it really was an awesome day. The weather, the early morning gathering, and the two performers lined up for the stage in the square lent the town a festive atmosphere. The aforementioned weather manager was taking advantage of the town’s good vibes, along with the extra time she found herself with and her old griffon friend’s presence to do some quality pranking.

Pinkie was there too, to Gilda’s consternation. She’d have preferred to have some time alone with Dash, especially with how annoying this pink monster was, but she had to admit, Pinkie did have some pranking chops. The lizard on the other hand…

Yes, Spike had also tagged along on their crusade of controlled chaos. Twilight had given him the day off while she buried herself in her bedcovers to sulk over her failed spell. While Pinkie, though irritating, had redeemed herself in the Gilda’s eyes, Spike had done no such thing. He slowed them down and he couldn’t fly. Gilda would have thought this would have been a problem with Pinkie too, but as a surprise, it wasn’t. Though, the less said about that the better. She waved her hand and dismissed the thought. Anyway, worst of all about Spike was that his creativity in regard to pranking amounted to about “Hey look! Over there!” He made a good distraction though. As in, she would physically throw him into a crowd to draw their attention away while she or Dash put salt in their sugar bowls or drew dicks over their cutie marks.

Spike was still a little clumsy on his longer legs and more than a little sore from being constantly tossed around, but he was glad to get to take part in his friends’ mischief. Any day he got a break from constant studying was a good one in his book.

Pinkie was just pleased to be there. Overall, a fun day.

~~~~~

It was a great day. Not powerful as well, but one out of two wasn’t bad. After Sparkle’s preposterous show of her own power this morning Trixie had had a brief discussion with that minotaur, then gone back to her cart to prepare for her first show.

A week ago, she was performing for a mostly empty house on a dilapidated stage in a dingy theater in Foalmaha, Neighbraska of all places. Then she was approached after a show by a royal messenger who delivered a letter on official royal stationary inviting her to perform today in Ponyville. To say she was surprised would be an understatement.

But here she was, ready to win back her reputation in the place she lost it. She’d been wary of what was in store for her in the belly of the beast, so she’d set up some listening spells to get a read on the townsponies. They had been wary of her as well and more than a few eager to see her fail.

But she’d proved them wrong with her first show that morning. She put everything she had into the performance and really wowed her neighsayers. After the show, the mood in the square was tangibly more relaxed. Now, she was setting up for her second of three shows. All of her props placed, her fireworks set, and her runes drawn and charged. She was ready.

After the princess’s presentation this morning, Iron Will had been confused. His confirmation for his next tour to Ponyville was on the books months ago. To find out the space had been double booked and some magician was trying to steal his spot was enough to make him see red.

He’d gone to the mare to set her straight right away. “When somepony tries to block, show them that you rock.” But she’d been just as surprised and they’d come to an agreement. She would do three shows in the morning and early afternoon, and he’d give his seminar later in the afternoon after she was done. “If you can come to a compromise, it’s time for high fives.” That one still needed work.

Time Turner was relieved just to be alive. After the meeting this morning; which had been a week ago for him; he’d set out with his companion, Derpy, for a quick jaunt to pick up his favorite blend of tea. What should have been a simple task had turned into yet another life and death struggle to save all of Equestria from utter annihilation, this time from Cyberponies.

But all’s well that ends well and here he was, back in Ponyville, with Derpy pulling him by the hoof to see some magic show. He found it easier to just go along with what the bubbly walleyed mare wanted. As the Prench would say, “Allons-y”. Overall, it was fantastic day.

~~~~~

It was a good day. It wasn’t raining. That’s all Applejack needed. Despite the late start she and her brother had had in their applebucking due to whatever nonsense it was Twilight had gathered them for, they were actually ahead of schedule. Somehow they’d been so productive, they passed the quota they’d set for trees to be bucked before lunch. Now she had a full belly courtesy of Granny and she was off to do some repairs on the gutters while she let her lunch settle. After she was done with that, she’d head back to the orchard to buck until sunset.

Eeyup.

Overall, a productive day.

~~~~~

It was a peaceful day. That’s what Fluttershy loved best. After the shock of seeing both Iron Will and Gilda this morning, a dip in the mud baths at the spa along side her friend Rarity was just what she needed. After the meeting, she’d made her way home and spent the morning looking after her animal friends before the time came to meet Rarity at the spa. Now, the calming spa treatment and the casual chatter with Rarity was a soothing balm on her delicate nerves.

Rarity was having a splendid day as well. She’d returned home from the meeting with an idea for a new line of dresses themed around changelings. Usually, she thought the bugs were... how to put it... icky. But she’d had a manifestation of inspiration that utilized their unusual black and teal color palette and tasteful placement of holes in the fabric. In a whirlwind of activity, she’d planned out the line, mocked up a prototype model, and was well on her way assembling her first dress before coming to meet Fluttershy at the spa.

Now she was under the heavenly hooves of one of the spa sisters. Aloe, she thought. Or maybe Lotus. She could never remember which was which. But now, being massaged whilst enjoying an herbal mask was just the sort of pampering she deserved. Overall, a lovely day.

In fact, Rarity wagered, there was nothing that could ruin this perfect day. Nothing.

~~~~~

Just after noon, everypony’s perfect day was completely ruined.

It started with a tingle. Everypony who had attended the morning meeting felt a curious tingle deep in their guts. It quickly spread to the rest of their bodies, followed by a glow emitted from the eyes and mouth. Then, there was a sensation of great speed that a flier might compare to soaring full power through whirlwind. Finally, without transition, without even missing a beat, everypony was somewhere other than where they had been. For some it was only a few yards. For others, it was clear across town. But regardless the distance, nopony was spared this relocation. But the truly unfortunate thing was that when they traveled, their bodies didn’t come with them.

~~~~~

Iron Will had been impressed. He had still been irritated about having to share the stage today, but he had to admit that it could have been a lot worse presenters. This showmare owned that stage. Sure, their types of performance were pretty different; hers a magic show and his a motivational seminar; but he was pretty sure they could trade notes about controlling a crowd.

He’d been leaning up against the side of a building on the edge of the square, watching the second show in the mare’s set. Then he was in the middle of the crowd, up near the stage. And he was SHORT. He hadn’t been this small since he was a calf. He looked himself over to find any pony body. A mint green mare with some stringed instrument on her flank.

He looked over to where he’d been standing and spotted himself. His body was looking itself over frantically, patting itself down, finally focusing on his hands. It stared at them in wonder, wiggling its fingers, before bursting out into the biggest grin.

It squealed, screamed, “HAAAANDS!” and ran off, cackling like a maniac.

~~~~~

Trixie had been slaying them. Her second show was going even better than the first. Maybe because the crowd hadn’t been against her from the start. She was doing her best work and could tell she was really wowing them.

Then somehow she found herself sitting in the audience looking up at her own show. The Trixie on stage stopped what she was doing, looked around, discovered a crowd of ponies staring up at her, eeped, and fled the stage. Such poor showmareship. Trixie wanted to boo herself.

She looked to her left and saw that ridiculous walleyed mare she’d noticed around town. She turned to Trixie and had the gall to asked Trixie if this… whatever this was, was part of the show. As if Trixie would resort to such blatant shock tactics! (Actually, now that she thought about it, she just might if she had the magical power to do so.)

“So, you’re Trixie, I take it?” The cross-eyed mare asked her.

“But of course!” Trixie answered. “I suppose you’re not… um, you?”

“It’s Derpy,” the mare filled in, “And no, I’m not her. Usually, anyway. I seem to have found myself her now. I really should go and look for the poor dear. I’m usually the dashing stallion you’ve currently found yourself residing in.”

Stallion? Trixie looked down. Sure enough, she found she was male. Very male. “Oh my…” gasped Trixie.

~~~~~

Time Turner had actually had the audacity to hope the rest of his day might go somewhat normally. How silly of him. He should have learned by now that he could no more have nice, peaceful, normal day than he could flap his wings and fly away.

The irony was that now he actually had wings.

He was sitting enjoying this Trixie’s magic show with Derpy. He had to admit the mare had real stage presence. In a world where magic was real, a magic show on its own was not terribly impressive. So it all came down to presentation and this mare had it in spades. You knew how everything was done, but the illusion and display of it all was what impressed. Much like a Laser Floyd show he had attended once.

He almost hadn’t notice it happen. He was watching the mare on stage, and then he was still watching her, just from a yard to his right. He might not have even noticed that, except that as soon as it happened, his vision doubled. When it did, everypony around, the magician included began looking around in confusion and panic. Upon looking to his left, he saw himself looking back at him. Well, it’s not like this was the first time he had experienced that.

“Do you think this is part of the show?” he asked himself

“Oh no, this is none of Trixie’s doing! She won’t take the blame for this!” he responded.

Oh, so this was the magician then. He asked, and she confirmed it. Very interesting. Even more interesting was that, through whatever means this event had transpired, he finally found himself as a female. Had to happen sooner or later. Still not ginger though.

~~~~~

Derpy was having a fun day. Though, around Time Turner, what counted as a “day” could get a little… iffy. Her mail route this morning a week ago had been light and she’d finished it bright and early. Then she got to go on another thrilling adventure with Time, which I’m sure you’ll be able to read all about elsewhere. Then she got to see the first part of a magic show. Sure, that Trixie had been pretty terrible in the past, but Derpy lived by the mantra “forgive and forget”, so she was willing to overlook the past and just enjoy a performer who was obviously good at what she did. And then she was mysteriously transported to Sweet Apple Acres. Really just a lot of fun.

The first thing she noticed was that her vision wasn’t doubled. That alone made this a day for the scrapbook. Upon examining herself, Derpy discovered she appeared to look like Applejack. She wondered if the real Applejack was around somewhere. The second thing she noticed was that she felt solid. Derpy was used to feeling loose and light, even for a pegasus, which led in part to her clumsiness. But now she felt like she could go anywhere and do anything without bumping into anything even once. This day was getting better and better.

Then, she heard a voice nearby. A very deep voice. “Ah, my old nemesis. We meet again.” Then some pounding.

Derpy rounded the corner of the farmhouse and crashed right into a ladder. It fell over, almost carrying Big Mac with it. Instead, he clung to a bent gutter with three legs while still pounding on it with the fourth.

“Aggh!” Mac screamed, “AJ, help! I still can’t fix this busted water chute!”

“Um, I’m not actually Applejack, Mr. Mac, sir. I’m Derpy. The mailmare,” she explained apologetically.

“Well that’s good, because I’m Pinkie Pie!” Mac responded. “I could still use some help though!”

“Um… Why not just let go?” Derpy offered.

Mac looked down and giggled. The biggest stallion in town actually giggled. He was only six inches off the ground. He let go and somehow still managed to land right on his ass.

Derpy trotted over to Mac… or maybe Pinkie, and helped him (her?) up. This was very confusing.

“Maybe we should head back into town and find out what’s going on?” Derpy suggested.

Rubbing his now sore ass, Macky Pie agreed with her, “That’s probably a good idea.”

~~~~~

Pinkie had been having a blast. Like, a super duper ultra funmazing blast. In some cases, literally. She hoped that Pokey’s eyebrows grew back. I mean, of course they will, right? She thought maybe she should throw his eyebrows a Get Well Soon party. You know, just in case.

But anyway, she had had a full day (and it was only noon!) with two of her best friends (though everypony was her best friend) and one of her new best griffon friends (there had to be more out there somewhere) laughing and playing and pranking to their hearts content. What could be better? They stopped for lunch at a restaurant, though Pinkie didn’t understand why other ponies went to restaurants to pay for food. Why didn’t they just pull trays of cupcakes out of their mane like she did? She wondered what flavor she was going to nab this time. Ooo. Strawberry.

But just as she was about to bite into the first cupcake, Pinkie suddenly found herself, to her horror, cupcakeless. Nuuu! And they were strawberry! She frantically reached into her mane to find more, but came back emptyhooved. NUUUUUUU! Then she noticed her hoof. It was more red than pink and BIG. Like, bigger-than-big big. She looked over herself and saw that she wasn’t her normally bouncy pink self, but Big Macintosh.

“Darn it,” she’d thought to herself. “I misplaced my body again. Third time this year. I really need to keep better track of my things!”

She found she was standing on a ladder next to a broken gutter on the side of Applejack’s farmhouse. Waaaiit… she recognized that waterchute. She narrowed her eyes and prepared to square off against her ancient enemy. As she began to pound the evil contraption, she realized everything was looking more… three dimensional than it normally did. Then suddenly the ladder, the only thing keeping her from falling to her doom, clattered out from under her. If she’d been herself, she would have been safe from falling as long as she didn’t look down. But she wasn’t herself and the laws of physics, for once, applied to her. She quickly grabbed the closest thing she could: the waterchute, and valiantly tried to fend off the fiend.

But you already know how that song and dance went.

~~~~~

Eeyup.

~~~~~

Applejack was having some trouble with this broken gutter. But a little bit of stubborn metal wasn’t going to ruin her good mood. She called Big Mac over for an assist, figuring his superior muscle would have the job licked in a heartbeat. While Mac climber the ladder, she cantered around the side of the house to grab a quick glass of water.

And then she was up to her neck in mud. She looked around and found she was in the spa. In the mud baths specifically. “What the cotton-pickin’ ballyhoo is goin’ on!? How’d Ah get here!?” she bellowed, the sound of her voice surprising her. She climbed out of the tub and shook herself as best she could, but the sticky mud clung to her coat. As she shook, Applejack felt something move on her back. She looked back and saw strange lumps. She grabbed a nearby towel and began to wipe herself off. The lumps on her back were revealed to be yellow wings. Further investigation found that her cutie mark was now three butterflies.

“Well don’t that beat all,” Applejack drawled.

She heard a commotion in the next room and went to check it out. The spa sisters, What’s-Her-Face and Other-One, were gawking at each other and feeling the other’s face.

“Lotus, I’m you!” said the one.

“Aloe, I’m you!” said the other.

Now, Applejack may not have been the smartest mare in the world, but Granny Smith didn’t raise no dummy neither. As far as she could figure, there was some sort of honest to goodness switcheroo goin’ on and ponies were in each other’s bodies. She marched right out of the spa to get to the bottom of this.

~~~~~

Fluttershy’s day had been so pleasant. She was sitting, relaxing in the mudbath, chatting with Rarity, who was just in the other room, getting a massage, when suddenly she wasn’t.

She was outside. She was at a table at an outdoor restaurant. Across from the table from her was her good friend Rainbow Dash. And Pinkie and Spike were there too. They all seemed confused. Oh, hopefully not too confused. She was confused too, and she hoped her friends weren’t as confused as she was.

But wait, weren’t these three spending the day with that meany Gilda? Fluttershy looked down at her yellow forelimbs. But they weren’t her normal hooves. They were sharp, deadly talons. No. No! No no no no no noooooo…

Fluttershy was a big, mean nasty griffon! How awful! Some of her best friends were cute, fuzzy, little animals, and griffons ate cute, fuzzy, little animals. She could never eat Angel! Just the thought of her bunny friend made her mouth (beak?) water. She was a MONSTER!

Fluttershy whimpered and dropped off the bench she was sitting on. She curled up under the table into as tight a little ball as her big, gross, monster body would allow, rocked herself back and forth, and cried.

~~~~~

Rainbow Dash, Pinkie, Gilda, and Spike were taking a break from their march of mayhem to have some lunch. Gilda was sitting at a table opposite Dash, with Pinkie to her left and Spike to her right, suffering through a lettuce and tomato sandwich, (It just wasn’t the same without the bacon.) when her stomach began to tingle. She was ready to blame the vegetarian meal when suddenly, she was opposite Spike and Dash was to her right.

Everything looked and felt weird. She felt fuzzy, her brain most of all. She could look right and see Dash, but then she could look right more and still see Dash, but also see something bright and strong overlaid over Dash. And she could look in six other types of right, angles she didn’t even know existed a second ago. But the weirdest thing was that SHE was to her own left.

“What the kweh!?” she exclaimed and jumped up. As she did so, her entire body made a bouncing noise and she hit a strange angle of up, her head disappearing and reappearing from inside a nearby bush momentarily at the pinnacle of her jump. When she landed, she was at the table, whole, pink hair falling into her face. She looked down at her talons only to find they’d been replaced by pink hooves. She looked back at herself to see a pink pony body with a trio of balloons plastered across her ass.

“I’m… I’m Pinkie Pie!” she stated the obvious.

She looked left to her own body, which stared at her talons in shock and then curled up into a little ball under the table and whimpered.

She turned to her right. “Dash?” She asked tentatively.

“Nnnnope.”

“I’m right here, Pinkie!” Dash called out. She’d been eating her sunflower sandwich when suddenly she felt… weird. Not “I should go to the hospital” weird, but “I’ll wait it out and if I still feel like this in a couple weeks, maybe I’ll start to think about asking Twilight” weird. Then suddenly her lunch was replaced with a plate of hay fries, Pinkie was across from her, freaking out. Pinkie called her name, and she answered.

“I’m Gilda!” Pinkie responded. “We, like, switched bodies or some shnitz.”

Dash thought that the bodyswap cliche was one of the stupider things that she’d read in Daring Do, but hey, this was Ponyville, so she couldn’t count anything out as too ridiculous. She looked to her left and sure enough, there was her own body.

She quirked an eyebrow. “Huh. This is weird.”

“Eeeyup,” her body responded.

“Big Mac?”

“Eeeyup,” he answered in her voice.

That set the gears a-spinnin’ in Dash’s brain. If they’d all switched bodies, did that mean she was…? Aw yeah! Ever since that time with the… motherbuckin’ breezies when Twilight revealed she could do transformation magic, Dash had been wanting to see what it was like to be a griffon. This was her chance!

Rainbow Dash had terrible spacial awareness and short term memory. You’d think with being the self-professed best flyer in Equestria, that wouldn’t be true; that she’d be able to recall who was sitting where and then rotate them in her mind’s eye accordingly. But you’d be wrong.

She looked down at her self, expecting to see feathers and talons, a bastion of badassery. What she saw instead was a pudgy, gangly, purple reptile with no wings to speak of. The next thing everypony in a fifty yard radius heard was a groan filled with the most profound misery and disappointment they’d ever heard.

~~~~~

All things considered, Spike’s day had been pretty cool up till that point. He’d been sitting outside at a table with Dash, Pinkie, and that jerk Gilda. He was beginning to think that throwing him around all the time was a prank on him. (It was.) Then he felt a tingle in his gut. Spike had some experience with tingly guts, so he naturally assumed it was a scroll from the princess. But not only did the scroll never come, but Spike himself went.

He blinked and he was suddenly laying face down and he couldn’t see anything. He heard two mares gasp and he tried to sit up, but his body felt strange. He still couldn’t see until something fell off of his eye: a cucumber slice. He was still laying on his stomach, but now he could see out of one eye, just in time to see the spa sisters feeling each other up and Fluttershy storm out.

Spike wasn’t stupid either. Hazards of living with a bookworm. He figured out the situation as the same way Applejack had. Not that he’d known that that’s who had just marched out of the spa. But his realization led to a more… interesting conclusion than her’s. One: Rarity shot him down, even when he’d been made older. Therefore: It had nothing to do with his age and Rarity just didn’t like dragons that way. Two: He was now in the body of a pony. Therefore: He may have a chance with her now.

Spike was a dirty horndog.

He shook off the other cucumber and pushed himself up to a sitting position. As he did, something moved in his peripheral vision. He turned to look and saw Rarity looking back at him. Of course, she’d be here. It was her usual spa day with Fluttershy.

“Hi, Rarity!” he started, but stopped when he saw her mouth the same thing. That’s when he realized he was looking in a mirror.

The ponies in the fifty yard radius around the restaurant clear across town from the spa thought they’d heard the most pitiful moan of ultimate despair a being could possibly make a minute ago. But Spike proved them wrong.

~~~~~

Rarity had been experiencing just THE most divine massage and facial when her herbal mask disappeared and she was blinded by light. She could see again, what she saw was THE. WORST. POSSIBLE. THING!

...What? What all we’re getting on that for now? Damn cliffhanger.

~~~~~

After the initial shock of finding they’d swapped bodies with each other, Aloe and Lotus shrugged and went back to work. Nopony ever noticed.

~~~~~

Class at the Ponyville school was going very normally for Cheerilee. A little math, a little history, a little cleaning up colt vomit off the swingset at recess. A pretty standard day.

The foals had noticed their teacher was a little tired this morning, but she quickly recovered. Then, just after lunch, in the middle of giving a grammar lesson, in the middle of a sentence, she stumbled and caught herself on her desk. She looked around curiously.

“Mith Cheerilee? Are you okay?” athked Twitht.

Cheerliee gave a tentative smirk. “Nope. I’m Cloudkicker.”

~~~~~

Only once before had anypony seen Fluttershy angrily stomping around town. Coincidentally enough it was the last time Iron Will had been through. But this time it was not the result of a misguided self-help seminar. Applejack had been through a mess of ridiculous things in her day. She lived in Ponyville, next to the Everfree, and her best friends were a pack of half insane mares (or fully insane for one of them) with superpowers. Tomfoolery came with the territory.

But this took the cake. She had applebucking to do and she couldn't rightly do it in Fluttershy’s body. AND she was missing her hat! Applejack was NOT in a good mood and the result was a Fluttershy storming through town, throwing her weight around like she was more than just a frail waif.

The rest of the town wasn’t in much better sorts. Once again, it was Ponyville, so they were prepared for some degree of disaster on any given day, but this was well over their weirdness threshold. Ponies ran about willynilly in a panic. Why were so many running around randomly? No seriously, I’m asking. I don’t get it either. I suppose that’s just what ponies do when confronted by the strange and unknown.

There were a couple ponies who always looked on the bright side of life though, and they were the ones to stumble upon the stamping yellow pegasus.

“HEY! Fluttershy! Hello!” called Applejack from across the road.

Fluttershy looked toward the call, not because she was responding to the name, but because she recognized the voice. It was her voice. She saw them, herself and her brother, waving at her cheerfully. They trotted over to meet her.

“Hiya, Fluttershy! Crazy weather we’re having, huh?” grinned Mac.

“Hi, Fluttershy. I’m not really Applejack,” said Applejack.

“Ah know. Ah’m Applejack,” said Fluttershy.

Mac took a deep breath. “Is anypony else super confused right now? Like, I can hardly tell who’s Applejack and who’s not Applejack and who’s Pinkie! Normally I know exactly what’s going on, even when it’s really reeeeaally weird like that time Twilight went to that silly other world with the other versions of us, and I knew just by looking that she was really a pony princess from another world trying to reclaim her crown. Wait but wasn’t that the other me? See? Now I’m confused about what I know and what I don’t know! What should I do, I just don’t knoooooow!” his deep voice spewed rapid-fire.

Applejack (The real Applejack in Fluttershy, I mean. Enough of these silly switcheroo shenanigans.) quirked an eyebrow. “Pinkie?” she asked in a deadpan tone.

Mac Pinkie instantly brightened up. “Yup yup! How’d you know?”

Applejack glared. “Lucky guess.”

Pinkie was so happy that she scooped her friend up in her hooves and into a bonecrushing hug. Seriously. Applejack was pretty sure she heard a couple ribs snap. She wasn’t used to being so fragile and Pinkie obviously wasn’t used to her strength.

“Easy there, sugarcube,” the yellow pegasus rasped. Pinkie dropped her and apologized. “So Ah take you weren’t behind this ruckus this time, Pinkie?” Applejack asked.

Applejack’s body spoke up, “Sorry, Applejack. We’re just as confused as you. We just don’t know what went wrong.”

Applejack narrowed her eyes at her own body. Was that that clumsy mailmare? In HER body? She rolled her eyes and huffed. Great. Derpy was holding her over a barrel and stealing her spotlight again.

“Maybe we should go see Princess Twilight and see if she can help us,” Derpy suggested.

“Twilight?” Both Pinkie and Applejack chorussed. The realization hit them both at the same time.

“Her spell!” Pinkie exclaimed.

“I was right all along!” roared Applejack, the loudest that normally quiet voice had ever been raised. “Now, let’s find the rest o’ the girls and get Twi to put this right!” The trio galloped off toward Twilight’s castle as fast they they could.

~~~~~

Great. Now Gilda had to deal with a mute and two ponies curled up under the table. Well, one was a pony-in-a-dragon and the other was a pony-in-a-her. But both were whimpering and whining under the table like little babies. She was pissssssed. For some reason, her hair went from poofy to all hanging around the sides of her face.

“Dash!” she barked in Pinkie’s voice.

“Leave me alone. I’m all grody. I can’t even fly,” the dragon that was Dash mumbled.

Maybe it was time for the old Gilda charm. “I thought my friend was the coolest pony ever, not some namby pamby wuss. Get up!” Oh yeah, she still had it.

“I know I wanted to try being a dragon, but I meant a real dragon.”

Gilda pretended to sniffle and rub her eyes. “Aww, you gonna cwy, cwybaby? Lemme taste your tears, wittle cwybaby.”

Dash turned to glare at Gilda, but when she caught sight of the pink former-griffon, her eyes shot open and her slitted pupils narrowed in alarm. Pinkilda’s mane had gone straight. She was in danger.

“Now, get your flockin’ flank up RIGHT NOW!”

Dash obeyed immediately, snapping to attention. “Yes ma’am! Please don’t kill me!”

“Kill you?”

“Please don’t cut off my cutiemark!”

That sobered Gilda up. “By the Garuda, Dash, what in Tartarus kinda stories have you been reading?”

“Sorry, I-”

“Whatever, Dashhole. ‘s cool.” Gilda turned to her own body. “Now how ‘bout you? You gonna listen like this one?” She jabbed a hoof at Dash. “Or are we gonna have to do this the hard way?”

Her body just whimpered.

“Come on, you’re making me look bad!”

It whimpered again.

“Wait,” Dash piped in, holding up a claw to calm Gilda. She hesitantly approached the griffon. “...Fluttershy?”

Anypony who didn’t know Fluttershy very well would have just heard yet another whimper. But to Dash, it was a slightly affirmatory whimper.

“Come on, Flutters, it’s okay.

Another whimper.

“No, we’re not scared of you. Why would you think that?”

Whimper.

“A monster?” Dash gasped, then chuckled. “Flutters, you’re, like, the least monster ever.”

Whimper.

“Eat sompony!?” Dash laughed. “Then just don’t. It’s not like you have to just because you’re a griffon. Right, Gil?”

“Huh? Where’re you gettin’ that from?” Gilda asked, bewildered by the exchange.

“I speak Fluttershy,” was Dash’s response. “How much meat have you eaten the last two days?”

“What? None.”

“Why not?”

Gilda rolled her eyes and snorted. “‘Cause you won’t let me!”

Dash shook her head and smiled. “Close enough. See, Flutters? Gilda just chose not to eat any meat. You can too. It’s not like you’re a, like, wolfpony or something.” She smirked at Gilda. “Daring Do, book four.”

Gilda just shook her head at Dash. When did her friend become an egghead? But somehow the weird peptalk must have worked, because the scaredycat - she was allowed to say that word because she was a griffon. - in her body stood up, sniffling and wiping her eyes.

Big Mac just quietly watched this whole exchange play out with the most serene expression that had ever graced Rainbow Dash’s face and munched her sunflower sandwich.

“Alright,” Dash said and clapped her hands. “Now we’re ready to go figure this mess out. ‘S prob’ly Discord again. This has his stink all over it. Let’s go find him and buck him into next week!”

“Oh, I’m sure he didn’t mean it,” squeaked Fluttershy.

“Uh, I’m all for kicking plot, but it’s not him,” interrupted Gilda.

“What? How do you know?” asked Dash.

Gilda threw her hooves up. “How the flock should I know why I know? I just do! It was the princess.”

“Oh! Twilight’s spell! Of course!”

“No-” Gilda started, but then was interrupted by her whole head twitching followed by a twinge in her left hind frog and then her whole ass shimmying and shaking. “Gah! What the flock was that!?”

“Pinkie sense!” Dash and Fluttershy both gasped.

“What’s that?”

“She can tell the future based on the crazy stuff her body does. Like that,” Dash explained.

Gilda was not buying it. “Yeah right. My cloaca.”

“It’s true,” whispered Fluttershy.

“So what did that mean then?” Gilda asked.

“Uh, couldn’t tell ya. Only Pinkie knows what the combos mean,” admitted Dash with a shrug. This one actually signified a distraction for plot convenience, but we’ll just keep that to ourselves.

“Then what good is it?” wondered Gilda in exasperation. “Bah, forget it. Let’s just go see your princess and get her to fix this.”

“Why don’t we write her a letter?” Fluttershy breathed.

“What was that?”

“I said, wouldn’t it be faster to write her a letter?” she reiterated.

“Yeah, but we’d need Spike to send it to her,” argued Dash.

Fluttershy frowned and Gilda glared at Dash like she was an idiot. Big Mac continued to polish off everypony’s lunches.

Dash slapped a palm her her face. “Oh right. Be right back.”

Conveniently enough, the restaurant happened to be just a couple doors down from the quill and sofa store. Dash dashed to the aforementioned store to grab a quill and paper. Well, “dash” may not be the best word. Um, for what she did, not for who it was. You know what, let’s try that again.

Dash ran to the aforementioned store. Well, “ran” my not be the best word. It was more akin to flailing all four limbs in a mockery of bipedal motion. But she reached the store, which was understandably empty, “borrowed” what she needed, and made her way back to her friends. Why didn’t they just come with? I’m seriously asking again. It would have made more sense.

When Dash returned to the table, Gilda and Fluttershy were avoiding looking at each other and Big Mac was finishing off the last of the food. (Oh, that’s why!)

The group decided that a letter to Twilight was in order, but it took them ten minutes to agree on what exactly to write. It took them a further ten minutes to actually write it. Dash and Fluttershy were unaccustomed to writing with hands, and Gilda was unaccustomed to writing without them. Big Mac just watched. He knew better than to come between three bickering mares.

So it was after twenty painstaking minutes that the group had crafted their letter, and were ready to send it. Unfortunately, it never occurred to them that, in fact, walking would have been faster.

“Okay, so all I need to do is breathe fire on it,” Dash said nervously. “How hard could that be?”

It turns out it was hard. Her attempts to stick her finger down her throat to force the fire almosted resulted in the loss of her lunch, but finally she managed. A bout of green flame spewed forth from her mouth and engulfed the scroll. It disappeared in a puff of smoke, leaving only some ashes.

Fluttershy eyed the pile of ash. “Was it supposed to look like that?”

Dash pursed her lips. “Maybe? I think I sent it right. Probably. Like, fifty/fifty it got there.”

“What’s the other fifty?” wondered Gilda.

“I just burned it up.”

The site of a straight-maned Pinkie growling at her was enough to make Dash cringe. “Eeugh. Alright then, let’s go.” She turned and took off as fast as she could. “Last one to the castle has to be Spike next!”

The rest quickly overtook her.

~~~~~

Spike was not happy. Here he had a golden one-in-a-lifetime opportunity to be a pony and possibly use that to finally win over Rarity. Except now he WAS Rarity. The universe had a sick sense of humor. (Nope. That’s just me.) He kicked a rock laying in the road in front of the castle. What a gyp.

Disregarding his less than noble intentions in this crisis, let it not be said that Spike didn’t keep his cool. Spike, due to his living with Twilight “Trotting Disaster” Sparkle, was uniquely qualified in Ponyville as an expert in dealing with, I believe the technical term is, “freaky crap”. He didn’t panic. He didn’t freak out. His first thought; after giving up hope on the Rarity situation, that is; was to make his way home and tell Twilight so she could fix everything.

On his way, the full scope of the event made itself known to him and he realized that everypony had been switched. But even if Twilight was no longer at the castle, he knew that her first course of action would be to return home as well. If there was one thing he knew… well, it would be the Power Ponies. But if there were two things, it was Power Ponies and Twilight.

Spike made his way into the castle. The first place he checked was the library. Surprisingly, Twilight wasn’t inside, which probably meant she hadn’t made it back yet. Still, it didn’t hurt to be sure. Next he checked the loft, her bed being the last place he’d seen her. Aside from an unmade bed, there was no sign of her there either.

So she wasn’t in the library or in bed. That pretty much meant she wasn’t here. Spike guessed he’d just have to wait. He made his way to the throne room and plopped down in Rarity’s throne. His own was too small. Sitting here was torture. In a building entirely made of reflective material, it was hard to avoid seeing yourself.

He didn’t wait long. Just after sitting down, Spike heard a noise from down the hall. He jumped up and trotted to investigate. He heard it again. It was coming from the kitchen. He hadn’t checked there. He poked his head into the kitchen and sure enough, there was Twilight, or at least her body, shoveling cake down her gullet. “Wow, look at her go,” he thought. It was like the cake owed her money.

“Um, hello?” Spike called tentatively.

“Rr! Hrrerr Rruhdrr!” “Twilight” responded. Spike raised an eyebrow. “Twilight” swallowed her mouthful of cake and tried again. “Hello, Rarity.”

This confused Spike. He looked like Rarity, which meant that was the one pony he definitely wasn’t. “I’m not Rarity. I’m Spike. And you’re not Twilight, right?”

The alicorn dropped her fork. “What?”

Spike repeated himself. “I said ‘I’m Spike.’ Do you not know what’s going on?”

She just sat there staring at him blankly with crumbs on her face.

Spike squinted at her. “Twilight? It’s really you? How come you didn’t get switched? Everypony else who was at the meeting this morning swapped bodies!”

“It worked!? A delayed effect?” Twilight yelped and her face lit up, but only for a second. Then it twisted up in worry. “I mean, uh, my spell wasn’t a dud? You’re really Spike? In Rarity’s body?”

“Yeah, yeah, yuk it up, Twilight,” he grumbled.

“Oh no no, never,” she reassured him, yet still struggled to hold back a giggle. “The universe certainly has an cruel sense of irony.” (Nope. Still me.)

“Why didn’t you shift into anypony?” Spike questioned.

“It must be have been because I was the one that cast the spell,” Twilight answered quickly.

Spike shook his head. “Well, whatever! The town’s going nuts! You’ve got to get out there and fix everypony!” he urged her.

Twilight stepped up to him and patted him on the head. “Oh my dear Spike. I have a much better plan. Let’s bring them to us.”

Twilight closed her eyes and lit her horn. A glowing rectangle of pure magic appeared before her. She opened her eyes and focused on the rectangle. “Attention residents of Ponyville!” she announced. “This is your princess speaking! All citizens affected by this… great shift should immediately report to the Castle Of Camaraderie & Kinship so we can fix you right up. We will now play soothing music for your enjoyment while you make your way here. Thank you and have a nice day!”

When she finished speaking, the rectangle remained and a mellow saxophone tune began to play. Twilight faced Spike. “See? That wasn’t so hard, was it?”

Spike could only gape at her.

~~~~~

Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, Gilda, and Big Mac weren’t making very good time toward the castle. It was slow going with Dash unfamiliar with her two-legged body. Eventually Gilda got fed up, picked Dash up bodily and placed her on Fluttershy’s back. Dash had protested and whined, but eventually gave in when she realized how much faster they were going.

The other impediment to their progress was Gilda. Gilda had no problem walking on four legs. She was a normally a griffon. But Pinkie’s body didn’t seem to want to walk. It prefered to bounce. But even that wasn’t too big an issue. No her problem was, well, whatever the Tartarus was wrong with Pinkie’s freakyass body. She’d be bouncing along and hit the wrong forward angle in space and wind up behind a nearby house, or a tree, or some other place. Then she’d either have to bounce her way back to her group or, if she wasn’t close enough to see them, try to go back through the way she came.

One time she hit a rock funny and came out of a desk drawer in an enormous bedroom, ornately decorated in whites and golds. She thought she heard some sort of moaning coming from the closet, but there was NO WAY she was going to check that out. She dove back into the drawer and back out onto the main Ponyville thoroughfare. And she thought Pinkie was annoying before.

And then there was the stuff that kept coming out of her mane. Among the things that fell out completely at random were a Slip-n-Slide, a copy of The Beach Colts’ Pet Sounds, and half a Romane Legion.

Fluttershy was fine. Fine fine fine. As fine as a merciless killing machine could be when surrounded by walking, talking entrees.

Big Mac was Big Mac. Nothing much to say. Guy’s mellow as Tartarus.

They were nearing the castle when Gilda once again stepped through an impossible angle of space and time. She found herself in a bush and immediately slipped back through. When she emerged back with her group, her mane was riddled with twigs. She shook her head to try to force them out. And they did come out, but so did a pony.

The tall, muscular, super hot stallion flopped out onto the ground, stunned. He fluffed his wings and shook his horned head, looking around in bewilderment. His horn was long and sharp and pure black, like his coat. All except his dark red wings, which matched his mane. His eyes glowed white all the time ‘cuz of how super powerful and awesome he was.

This was the coolest most powerfulest pony ever. He used to be from another world, until he got transported to Equestria where he met all of the Mane 6 and they all thought he was super hot and fell in love with him especially after he totally beat up Nightmare Moon and Discord and Sombra and this one other really bad guy that was ten times more powerful than all the other bad guys put together with one hoof tied behind his back. This was the seventh Bearer, the Element of Power, and only male alicorn, Iron Bearclaw.

“How’d I get here?” he mumbled.

“Iron?” Dash asked him.

The alicorn shook his head. “Nope. I’m Cloudkicker.” And with that, he shot off into the air and over a nearby house.

The four looked at each other for a beat, trying to figure out what just happened. That’s when the sky lit up. A gigantic glowing rectangle filled the sky and Twilight’s face appeared in it. She advised the townsponies to make their way to the castle. Duh. Then she disappeared, but the rectangle stayed and began to emit smooth saxophone music.

A general cry of terror rang up and down the streets of Ponyville, including that really dramatic mare again screaming, “The horror! The horror!” The ponies who’d been randomly running around in general disarray all began to make their way to the castle. Though, “stampede” may be a more accurate description.

Dash and crew were not unaffected themselves. “Oh Celestia! Let’s get the buck outta here!” the temporary dragon howled.

“Eeeyup,” even Big Mac agreed as they took off at top speed.

~~~~~

Applejack-in-Fluttershy, Pinkie-in-Mac, and Derpy-in-Applejack were making very good time on their way to the castle. But then again, none of them changed species, so they had that going for them.

The castle was at last in sight when something caught Pinkie’s ear. She may not have her special senses any more, but the sound of sniffling and wailing was unmistakable. A friend was in need! Laughter Power, GO!

She followed the sound carefully, like a bloodhound on the scent to an alley next to a restaurant. It was definitely down there. Applejack gave Pinkie a funny look, but she and Derpy followed.

“Hey!” Pinkie called out. “You okay, down there?”

A tarp next to the restaurant’s dumpster jerked. “Big Mac? No! Gooo awaay!” a muffled voice sobbed.

“Come oooon! There’s nothing a little smile smile smile can’t solve!”

Derpy nudged Pinkie’s shoulder. “What’s going on?”

The tarp shifted again at the sound of Applejack’s voice. “Applejack!? Oh, I’m sorry for how I treated you back then! I can see this is my punishment! Leave me to my fate!”

“Sorry?” asked Applejack in Fluttershy’s voice. Then she got stern. “Look, whoever you are, in case ya hadn’t noticed, everypony in town’s been shifted around bodies. It’s kinda a big deal. So we don’t even know who ya are. AH’M Applejack. That’s Derpy. And if y’all wanna come out, introduce yerself, and apologise to mah face for whatever ya done, that’s fine. But if not, we’re headin’ to the castle. Lots o’ luck to ya.”

The tarp gasped. “‘Shifted bodies?’ Darling-”

“Welp, we found Rarity,” Applejack concluded.

“I beg your pardon!” Rarity hissed. “What gave you that idea?”

“Ya said the D-word,” Applejack chuckled.

“It’s true! You did!” Derpy agreed.

“Darling, I-”

The other three burst out laughing.

“Oh, yes, very funny, sugarcube,” Rarity injected as much venom as she could into her very male voice.

“Now, hey. I don’t say that that much, sug- Rarity,” Applejack argued. “Now come on out of there, and let’s go get Twilight to fix this.”

“NOOO! I want to be alooone! Nopony must see me!” Rarity wailed.

“Yer bein’ a foal, now come out!” Applejack scolded and yanked on the tarp.

There, curled up next to the dumpster, trying to shield his face with his hooves, was the dustiest, most bucktoothed, perpetually stained, turnip-cutiemark-having hayseed pony in town, Hayseed Turnip Truck. And Rarity was him.

“Don’t look at me! I’m HIDEOUS!” Rarity snarled and gnashed like a rabid, cornered dog.

Applejack didn’t stop laughing for a full three minutes.

Pinkie was all for laughter, but this seemed to go against the spirit of it. Even if it was hilarious. While Applejack laughed her way to a hilarity-induced hernia, she tried unsuccessfully to coax Rarity out of her hiding place.

Then the sky opened up and issued forth smooth jazz. Rarity was the first one out of the alley.

~~~~~

Spike was tired of playing hostess. After Twilight’s announcement and subsequently blasting the town with the music of Canner G, the ponies had begun flooding into the castle. Twilight had retreated to the library, probably to look for a way to fix things. That left him to show the townsponies into the Great Hall, where this whole mess started.

The first group to arrive had been the one he was most relieved to see. Mostly because he was in it. Or at least his body. When Dash had found out that the mare that looked like Rarity was really Spike, she’d begged him, on her knees no less, to take his body back. He was a little offended she thought his body was that awful, but he also couldn't’ help but take some twisted pleasure in her finally being forced to be the little guy.

After that, the arrivals had been a veritable avalanche of displaced ponies. A true testament to the street-clearing, bowel-clenching power that was Canner G’s saxophone. Greeting them all and enduring their laughter when he explained who he really was had been exhausting. Now it seemed like most everypony was here.

One of the last groups to arrive was a party of what looked like Applejack, Big Mac, Fluttershy and, of all ponies, Hayseed Turnip Truck rushing in to get out of the torrential jazzstorm. Hayseed froze upon seeing him and just stared in shock.

“Can I help you with something?” he asked.

Hayseed continued to stare and whispered to himself, “I really am a vision, aren’t I?”

“RARITY!?” Spike squawked, and then began trotting in place on the tips of his hooves with his eyes scrunched closed. “Awwwww, nooooo…. Groosss!”

Rarity snorted and cocked her head. “And to whom do I owe the pleasure?” she asked, voice dripping with sarcasm.

“I’m Spi-hi-hiiike!”, he answered.

“Spikey… Wikey?” Rarity gasped, her face twisting in disgust. “Ew, nooo! He ended up inside me anywa-hay-haaaay!” she wailed.

The rest of their friends could only watch as the pair flailed about in perfect synchronization.

While they were incapacitated, Applejack took responsibility for assembling the stragglers in the Hall. Eventually, it seemed like everypony arrived and the two Rarities tired themselves out. The three made their way to the rest of their friends, which had gravitated together. Derpy-in-Applejack was cozying up next to her own body, while Dash questioned him.

“So wait, who are you again?” she asked.

“Right,” Derpy’s body answered.

“No, what’s your name?”

“I’m Time Turner.”

“Who?”

“Yes.”

“I’m confused,” Dash groaned.

“Where’s Twilight?” Fluttershy wondered.

The group looked around, but the princess was nowhere to be seen.

“Didn’t she get the letter we sent?” Dash asked.

“What letter?” Spike wondered. “She never said anything about getting a letter.”

“Dammit, Dash!” Gilda cursed and slapped the dragon upside the back of the head.

“Ha! Late again? Typical Sparkle!” huffed Trixie as she approached the group. Now Twilight was not normally- Wait, I’ve got the weirdest sense of deja vu. Didn’t we already go over this? Huh. That IS weird that Twilight is late so much today. It’s not like her.

Anyway, it would be another ten minutes before the princess would make herself known. The friends were expressing their concerns about the strange circumstances. Even Dash was uncharacteristically worried because of her diminished body.

“I’m just glad my sister didn’t see me like this,” Rarity complained. “Sweetie Belle would have been absolutely thunderstruck!”

“I’m sure she would have understood,” Fluttershy reassured her.

“Ah well, que sera, sera,” Rarity dismissed.

“You think that’s bad?” challenged Dash, twiddling her claws. “Could you imagine if this curse got out? If this magic got into Cloudsdale? Seeped into the weather distribution center? The rainbow factory? Can you imagine the fallout? Equestria would be doomed. It might even be the end of ponies!”

“Don’t worry! They could always escape through the well of Pirene!” blurted Pinkie.

The group gaped at the big red stallion that was Pinkie, dumbfounded. “Huh?”

“Austraeoh!”

“Can anypony translate for me? I don’t speak crazy,” Trixie spat.

“Oh, sorry,” Pinkie apologized, “I thought we were doing a thing.”

“I actually got that,” admitted Gilda.

Pinkie put her foreleg around the dragon. “Don’t worry about it, my little Dashie. But next time, leave the meta humor to your Auntie Pinkie.”

“Pssst.”

“Did anypony else hear that?” asked Applejack, ears swiveling.

“Nnnope.”

“PSSSSST! Spike!” was repeated in the worst stage whisper ever. The friends looked around and spotted a lavender hoof waving around the corner at the entrance to the Hall.

“PSSSSSSSSSSSST!”

“Uh, okay? I guess I’ll be right back?” Spike said, unsure. He trotted over and slipped around the corner. The rest watched his backside as it appeared to have an animated discussion with somepony; probably Twilight; then seemed to deflate. Spike came back around the corner, cantered up the steps to the balcony, and threw the doors open.

He rolled his eyes and sighed. “Presenting! Her royal majesty! Princess Twilight Sparkle!” he huffed.

Suddenly there was a round of tinny fanfare and the princess, in full regalia, appeared in a flash of light, a puff of smoke, and a burst of fireworks. Spike half-heartedly made jazz hooves.

“Thank you! Thank you, my little ponies!” she called and waved.

Nopony was applauding.

“I’m glad you all could make it!” She paused. “Hrm… Is everypony here?”

The throng looked amongst themselves, but they barely knew who they were themselves, much less who everypony else was and who might be missing.

“I think Aloe and Vera are missing!” called a voice among the strangers.

“Who!?” called somepony else.

“Didn’t we have a black male alicorn?” whoever looked like Bon Bon asked.

“What!?” snapped Twilight. “NO! There’s no such thing! That’s stupid! You’re stupid! Stop being stupid!”

The mass mumbled it’s agreement that that was an incredibly stupid thing and then promptly swept the idea under the rug.

Twilight stomped a hoof. “Okay! I think we all know why we’re here! It seems my earlier spell had more effect than we thought!”

“You caused a huge mess! This is a giant disaster!” screamed the drama mare.

Twilight buffed her solleret on her chest. “Yeah, I’m a hella magic.”

“Fix it!” somepony shouted. The rest of the town picked up the chant, “FIX IT! FIX IT! FIX IT!”

“Okay! Okay! I’m doing it!” she conceded. Then to herself, “Psshht… spoilsports.”

“Here I go!” she announced. She tensed her entire body like a coiled spring, her every muscle shaking from the effort. Her face contorted in a grimace of concentration. Out of context, one might think she was extremely constipated, but let’s not think about that. Ew. Finally, she released. Eww!

“Eh!” she grunted half-heartedly, flicking her head slightly. A tiny mote jumped from her horn briefly before disappearing. Everypony waited a moment.

“Was that it?” demanded Dash finally.

“You barely did anything!” Gilda accused.

Twilight shrugged. “Welp, I guess it didn’t work. Oh well!”

The crowd erupted into chaos.

Twilight stomped her hooves to quiet them. “Simmer down, you lot! Questions? Concerns?”

The crowd erupted again. Twilight stomped again.

“How about one at a time. Let’s see some hooves.”

Every hoof in the room shot up. Twilight pointed at a magenta mare with a grape cutiemark. “You. Um… Grapevine?”

“That’s Berry Punch’s body,” corrected Spike.

“Ah’m Cheer’lee,” slurred the schoolteacher.

Twilight waved it off. “Fine, fine. What’s your question?”

“Uh, who’sh watchin’ da foalssh?” Cheerilee asked.

Pinkie fielded this one. “Oh! Oh! I know this one! Granny Smith wasn’t switched with anypony, so I took her and had Derpy bring her to the school to watch the foals!”

Derpy piped up, “Yeah, I made sure she they were all set up, safe and sound!”

Pinkie giggled. “I’m sure everypony is juuuust fine!”

~~Meanwhile, At the School~~

The children clung to the top ridge of the roof as tightly as they could to avoid slipping off and into the waiting jaws of the timberwolves that encircled the schoolhouse. They could only watch as one wolf dragged a still-snoring Granny Smith back to its home in the Everfree.

~~Back to Business~~

That answer seemed to satisfy Cheerilee, so Twilight assumed the matter closed.

“Next question!” She pointed at a light green pegasus mare with a flower cutiemark. “Uhh… Daffodil?”

“That’s Azalea’s body,” corrected Spike.

But the pegasus shook her head. “Nope. I’m Cloudkicker.”

“Wait, but-” started Dash.

“State your question, my little pony,” entreated the princess.

Cloudkicker pointed a hoof at her. “We all shifted bodies. How come you didn’t?”

“Because shut up! Next question!”

The angry mob hung onto that line of thought.

“Hey, yeah!”

“Why didn’t she!?”

“That’s awfully suspicious!”

“She’s a changeling!” somepony accused from the back.

“No! Nopony’s a changeling! That would be dumb!” dismissed Twilight.

“But, if you knew that, then why did you cast the detection spell in the first place?” Fluttershy queried.

“Sorry. Couldn’t hear that. Next question!”

“She did use changeling magic,” Rarity pointed out.

“YESSSS!” Twilight’s face split into a grin and she pumped a hoof. Then she quickly put on a thoughtful look. “Oh! Changeling magic! That gives me an idea! The spell was partly crafted from changeling magic. And changeling magic runs on what?”

“Love?” offered Spike.

Twilight clapped her hooves. “That’s right! Love! So let’s spread some love around and see if that does anything! We’ll start with pecks on the cheek and then move up to sloppy makeouts. Do we have any volunteers?”

Any remaining raised hooves lowered.

“Spike? This is a golden opportunity. You wanna kiss Rarity?”

The sound of he and Rarity both gagging was the only noise in the room.

The quiet was broken by a low voice. “Um… We volunteer.”

All heads swiveled to see Mr. Cake raising his hoof. He was looking deep into Mrs. Cake’s eyes. “Oh, Carrot, even in my body, I can’t help but be madly in love with you.”

“Oh, Cup,” his/her husband/wife breathed. They began to kiss.

And the makeouts were extra sloppy.

But the pair had to come up for air eventually.

“Well?” the princess asked. “Anything?”

The couple looked themselves over, then up to the alicorn. “Nothing. We’re still switched.”

Twilight frowned and tapped the side of her face in thought. “Hmmm… Must need more love. Do it again.”

The pair just shrugged and went back for a second helping of Cake. But this time, their kissing became more passionate. Their hooves began to roam each other’s bodies. Mrs. Cake slowly maneuvered around behind Mr. Cake. Then, with the entire town watching, she mounted him.

Twilight’s eyes widened, as did her grin. “Ohh yeaahh… That’s the stuff.”

Spikes eyes were similarly wide. “Should I be seeing this?” he gasped.

“You’re a big boy now, Spike. You’ll be fine,” Twilight dismissed, not taking her eyes off the show.

Spike nodded, “Yeah, I guess. It’s just lucky that none of the foals were here and you just happened to use that age spell on me right before this all started, huh?”

“Right. Lucky,” she muttered off-hoofedly.

Meanwhile, Mrs. Cake was just pumping away with wild abandon. “Wow, look at her go,” Spike thought. It was like Mr. cake owed her money.

The couple seemed to be doing something right because they were both oblivious to the crowd watching them, slackjawed. Suddenly there was a pop and a burst of light from the two. They quickly pulled apart and looked themselves over. Their eyes each shot to the other and their faces lit up.

“IT WORKED!”

Twilight stomped one hoof and pumped the other. “BOOM! TOLD YA!”

The crowd erupted in cheers. Their salvation was at hoof! Soon, they’d all be back to normal! And all they had to do was… have sex... with a stranger... while in a foreign body… in front of the whole town. The cheers tapered off pretty quickly.

“Alright, then!” Twilight announced, “You all know what you need to do! Grab the pony next to you and get to work! I will be making my way through the crowd, offering my services! There’s refreshments in the kitchen and fresh towels in the linen closet! Now, without further ado, LET THE ORGY BEGIN!”

Nopony made a move. She began to descend the steps to join them, but paused. “And hey. Let’s have fun out there.”

“NO!” a deep voice boomed.

“Come again?” Twilight uttered with no amusement.

“I won’t do it!” the voice rumbled and a minotaur stepped forward.

A mint green unicorn with a lyre on her flank raised her voice, “Hey, little pony! Iron Will needs that body back!”

“I’m not going back! I’m tired of being just some background pony!” the bullman protested.

“Lyra?” the pony in Nurse Redheart’s body asked tentatively.

Lyra kneeled down to look Bon Bon in the eyes. “Bonny, you know I’ve always felt like I was born a human trapped in a pony’s body. Now look at me. I can stand on two legs!”

“You’d trade your magic powers for a pair of new legs?” Bon Bon asked incredulously.

“I don’t need wings or magic. I need it. I don’t care! And it’s not about legs.” Lyra stood back up and addressed the assembled ponies. “It’s hands, ponies. Hands! Aren’t you tired of brushing your coat and styling your mane with your hooves? Can you push a cart? Or drive a car?”

“What’s a car?” somepony wondered.

“HAAAAAANDS!” Lyra bellowed. With that, she threw herself through the window and those present watched her form fleeing into the distance. That was the last they ever heard of her.

“Ooookay. Well. That happened.” Twilight shook her head. “Well, anyway, let’s get this started, shall we?”

Nopony moved.

“Well, go on! Don’t be shy!”

Spike stepped up to Twilight. “Wait, Twilight. You just want to jump into this? You don’t want to study it first? You love to study crazy stuff like this! You really don’t want to catalog this, um, conversion? We could form some sort of bureau to keep track of who’s who!”

“Nope!” She clapped her hooves. “Everypony hop to! Ready steady go!”

What happened next could easily be considered the most awkward event in Equestrian history. The bestricken ponies hesitantly paired off and… well… you know. Except they were all mortified the whole time and nopony was into it, so it totally sucked. Twilight was very disappointed. Two stars. Would not watch again. Even worse, no pony invited her to join in.

On the plus side, though, the incompetent intercourse yielded a steady stream of pops and flashes, signifying ponies exchanging bodies.

The problem, though, was that they weren’t changing back to themselves. Whenever two ponies successfully schtupped and experienced an exchange, it wasn’t back into their original bodies. They found themselves traded one-for-one into the body of their partner. When the ponies began to realize this, cries of protest rang out.

“Hey!”

“Now I’m YOU!”

“What gives!”

“Alright, alright, let’s just keep our calm, ponies,” the princess reassured them. “I’m sure we just need more love. You saw how in love with each other the Cakes were. This sad, little display paled in comparison. Frankly, I’m disappointed, and I know you can do better. So just keep going, and I’m sure it’ll work. Now. Once more, with feeling!”

What else could anypony do? They obeyed. But this time, most of the awkwardness was gone. They’d done this once already. The hard part was over. This time they let themselves give in and enjoy the act.

Somewhere along the line Twilight had acquired a glass of champagne and she sipped from it dutifully as she made her rounds and critiqued the townsponies’ forms. “Come on, harder. Really put your back into it. Ohh. Yeah, that’s right. Just like that.” She nodded approvingly. “Verrry nice. I call next.”

Soon enough, another series of pops and flashes rang out.

“Aw, what!?”

“We’re right back to where we started!”

“OH COME OOOON!”

Yes, even with the better showing the second time, no pony was back to normal. They’d all switched one-for-one back into the bodies they were in the first place.

“Come on Twilight!” complained Rainbow Dash. “You said this would work! I can’t be a lizard the rest of my life!”

“Calm down, calm down, my little lizard,” Twilight soothed her. Dash snorted in defiance, a puff of smoke shooting from her nostrils.

“I never said this would definitely work right away,” the princess stated reassuringly. “Magic, like lovemaking, is an art. Sometimes you just need to make a mess and see what sticks.”

And oh had they made a mess. You know that smell after a long night? That pungent odor of sweat, shame, and… uh, “juices”? Well take that, times one hundred, and stick it in a horse barn. Because, folks, that’s exactly what we’ve just witnessed here. And oh boy, do I feel bad for the guy who’s job it was to run a mop over this tomorrow. I’m looking at you, Spike. Oh crap! Twilight’s still talking.

“-and furthermore, this actually yielded some very promising answers. We’ve seen that carnal relations did, in fact, cause a mind transfer. In every observed case, it was a direct mental transference between the two participants, rather than homing both back to their original vessels. In laymans terms, when you screw a pony, you become them.”

“I could have told you that a couple hours ago!” an off-white unicorn mare with a pink mane shouted.

“Twinkleshine?” Noteworthy’s body asked.

“Who the buck is Twinkleshine? Nope, I’m Cloudkicker,” Cloudkicker clarified.

“But you-” Dash started.

Twilight interrupted, “Nevermind that! So anyway, we can conclude that the way to get everypony back to normal is for them to engage in sexual relations with their own body. Your mind should be returned to its proper place midcoitus and, I believe, that should finalize the spell’s effect on you, preventing further shifting.”

Spike was impressed. “Wow, Twilight. You figured all that out just from watching?”

Her eyes shifted over to him, then away and she sipped her champagne. “Sure. Why not.” She raised her voice again. “Now, find your bodies and get down to business! Since most ponies weren’t switched one-for-one with another, some of you aren’t going to get yourself on the first go! Some of you will have to take turns and go multiple rounds, but I’m sure there are some of you who won’t mind that, huh?” She winked. “And please! Enjoy yourselves! This should be fun, not a funeral!”

And so it went. Ponies sought out their bodies where they could and... engaged.

Dash was particularly enthusiastic to get out of Spike’s body, and that meant either pairing up with him in Rarity’s body or, hopefully, getting to Mac in her own. Unfortunately for her, Pinkie-in-Mac and Mac-in-her were already having their own little rodeo. She saw this and sighed in defeat. She was going to have bite the bullet and stick her dragon family jewels in Rarity’s jewelry box.

She approached Spike-in-Rarity. “Hey.”

“Hey,” he echoed.

“Let’s just get this over with.”

“Yeah.”

Dash chuckled as she positioned herself behind Spike. “You know, you’ve been trying to get Rarity in this position for years. It’s kinda funny that you finally got it, but you’re on the wrong end.”

“Hardy har har. Yeah, I’m laffin’,” he deadpanned.

Rarity saw this happen from across the Hall and she was not laughing either. She screamed on the inside. And a little on the outside too.

~~~~~

Time Turner was always open to new experiences. And now he was experiencing a new way to be open.

He didn’t want to disrespect Derpy’s body, so he felt it was only right to grant her the thing she’d been asking for for so long but he’d been reluctant give her. He lay down in front of Trixie-in-his-body and invited her in.

“Trixie must admit, the power that comes with being a stallion is intoxicating,” she told him. “Trixie thinks she may miss it.” After all, some her idols were stallions: Hoofdini, Copper Field, Pace and Tailer.

“Look at it this way, Trixie. I’m returning to myself now. You’ve got more chances to try more bodies.” He’d certainly done his share of that. “Maybe you’ll get another stallion,” he smiled at her. She returned it. “Now, are you ready?”

“Trixie is nervous. It feels like Trixie’s heart is beating twice as hard as normal.”

“It’s alright. Take your time.”

She took several deep breaths. “Trixie is ready. Let her show you how a magician works a real magic wand!”

And she did drive her tool until they both went sonic.

~~~~~

Applejack was irritated. This whole day just stunk. She’d had such high hopes for getting so much bucking done.

This was not the bucking she had in mind.

Plus, it was with the show stealer, Derpy. The mare was nice as can be, but something about her just rubbed Applejack the wrong way. She felt like whenever Derpy was around, she was relegated to the background. And now she’d stolen her body too.

At least that was about to fixed. Best to just get to it. She stretched out her tongue. Welp, she did always like the taste of apple.

~~~~~

Gilda eyed her own body. She was eager to get back to normal. The scaredycat pegasus was making her look bad.

But worse was having to be in Pinkie Pie’s body. Her mother told her a story once about a giant monster that slept deep under the sea that if anygriffon ever saw it, they’d be instantly driven mad. Gilda was pretty sure that monster’s mother told it the same story about Pinkie Pie.

This body did such weird shnitz. While the princess had been talking, an alligator had climbed its way out of her mane. That just wasn’t right. And now her body was trying to make her hug Fluttershy and make her smile. Blargh.

Surprisingly, Fluttershy spoke first. “I’m sorry for judging you, Gilda.”

“Huh?”

“Some animals eat meat. I know that better than most ponies. But I still thought you of you as… a killer.”

Gilda couldn’t quite make that last bit out, but it didn’t really matter to her. “Yeah, sure.”

“But now that I’ve been you, I’ve seen what it’s like. You choose to live with ponies and avoid meat.” Fluttershy blushed. Gilda didn’t even know her face could blush. “I think you’re very brave.”

Gilda waved her off. “Yeah, yeah, come on with that. Whatever.” Then she stiffened. “I gotta admit something too. But don’t tell Pinkie Pie.”

Fluttershy made some complex motion with her talons. “I Pinkie promise.”

Gilda felt something strange inside her, like a lock clicking into place. “Uh, yeah. Okay. Last time I was here, I pure straight hated Pinkie Pie. I still don’t like her. ...But Garuda dammit do I respect her.”

She paused to take a breath. “If she can deal with all of this and make it look good, girl’s got chops. Chops. These voices alone are giving me hairballs. ‘Up, Right, B, Down, Start9’. How does she do it?”

The gator from earlier leered at her. Fluttershy smiled at her warmly.

“Alright, alright! Let’s just do this. You keep that up and my face is gonna get stuck that way.”

And so Gilda ate tuna for the second time that day.

~~~~~

Rainbow Dash looked over herself. White coat, carefully curled purple mane, diamond cutiemark.

“I feel… prissy.”

She’d have to fix that. She noticed Cloudkicker’s body wasn’t currently with anypony. If Dash were wittier, she’d have remarked on what a novel situation that was.

Cloudkicker had approached her plenty of times before. Of course, that was true of just about everypony. This seemed like a good time to find out what all the fuss was about.

~~~~~

After Pinkie and Big Mac - and boy was he BIG - were done, Mac had ambled off back home without saying a word. What else was new?

But (I can’t believe I’m about to say this) this left Pinkie in Rainbow Dash’s super fast, flight-capable body. Plus, she suddenly had a craving for cupcakes. Celestia help us all.

~~~~~

Through all of this, Twilight was making her way through the crowd, distributing bottles of Neightor-ade and energy bars. And of course occasionally joining in the activities. After all, sometimes a couple would “need a boost” to the “love output of their union”... or something. Anything to help her subjects.

~~~~~

Trixie didn’t think much of this body. It certainly wasn’t as impressive as the stallion she’d been. She supposed that being able to fly would be nice, but there was no way a non-pegasus could learn to fly that quickly. But it was this double vision that was truly was atrocious!

She looked around for her own body or at least another suitable candidate to try out. She spotted Rainbow Dash’s body flitting about the Hall.

“You there!” she called and pointed.

“Me where?” the rainbow pegasus responded.

“Come here!”

“Me there?” she asked and landed in front of Trixie.

Trixie pointed down at her nethers.“Now then. You will service the Great and Horny Trixie!”

“Okie dokie lokie!”

~~~~~

Fluttershy knew what Gilda had been talking about now. Being Pinkie was… terrifying. She had even more respect for her friend and for Gilda now. She didn’t blame the griffon for flying out the broken window the minute she’d returned to her own body.

Everypony around was also glad to see Pinkie’s mane poof back out to its normal form. Seeing it straight was like seeing a cobra flare its hood: “Watch out!”

Fluttershy just hoped she could get back to her own body soo- There it was!

She meeky bounced her way over to herself. “Um! Hello!” she shouted as quietly as Pinkie’s voice would go. “I’m sorry, but that’s my body and, uhm… if it isn’t too much trouble…”

Her body smiled back at her. “Oh hi, Fluttershy!” it greeted cheerily. “It’s me, Derpy. Sure, I’d be happy to!”

“Do you want to… um… be first?” Fluttershy offered.

“Oh no, after you,” countered Derpy.

“Oh no, I couldn’t.”

“Please, I insist.”

And so the two kindest mares in Ponyville went back and forth like this until they at last agreed to go at the same time.

~~~~~

Spike was back to normal. But Rarity didn’t know that.

The plan was simple. Now that he was back in his own body, he couldn’t be switched out again. He’d just have to go up to Rarity and pretend to be the real Hayseed. How hard could that be?

He moseyed up to Rarity-in-Hayseed with his best country gait and accent. “Ahoy thar!” Dammit, that was pirate! Oh well, too late. Stay the course! “I be the real Hayseed! Be my lubber!”

Smooooth, Spike.

“Okay.”

Whoa, what? That was easy. Oh yeah, and there was the question of what to say when they didn’t switch and she realized he was lying. ...Bah, that was future Spike’s problem. And present Spike wasn’t one to look a giftpony in the mouth.

So they did deed.

And it was despicable. In every sense of the word. But Spike could at least cross something off his bucket list.

Now to admit his guilt. He held up his hands in a calming gesture. “Rarity, you may be wondering why we didn’t switch. I have to be honest with you. I’m not really Hayseed.”

“Ah know, Spahk. Ah am,” Hayseed responded.

“WHHHAAAT!?” Spike shrieked. Ugh, he’d kissed that buck-toothed mouth. He sputtered, trying to spit out the taint.

“He-yep.”

“If you were back to normal and you knew I was too, why’d you have sex with me?” Spike whimpered.

Hayseed cackled. “You got a purty mouth.”

~~~~~

Colgate’s body approached Roseluck’s.

“Hey. Let’s go.”

“Well don’t you know how to make a mare feel special?” Roseluck’s body snarked.

Colgate’s body quirked an eyebrow. “Kicky?”

“Yeah, it’s me, Cloudkicker,” Cloudkicker confirmed. She narrowed her eyes. “But who… Thunderlane?”

“Aw yeah, you know it!” Thunderlane cheered. The two shared a hoofbump.

“Is this not the best?” Cloudkicker smirked.

“Like a foal in a candystore,” Thunderlane agreed.

“It’s like a buffet!”

“Oh dude, have you checked out the buffet?”

“What, for real?”

“Yeah, in the kitchen,” Thunderlane informed her.

Cloud couldn’t contain herself. “BEST DAY EVEEEERRRR!”

“I know, right?” he agreed. “So what’s your count?”

“What are we going by?” Cloud asked for clarification. “Today, since the incident, or just in here?”

Thunderland hmmmed. “Let’s say just since the orgy started. And we’re not counting the two trial runs, ‘cause everypony did that.”

“Obviously.”

“I’ve scored four times,” Lane pronounced with pride.

“HA! Five! I beatcha!”

“Awww.”

“Yeah, I’ve scored 120% as many times as you,” Cloud smirked.

“You and your math,” Lane shook his head. He blinked. “Wait, how do you figure that? You know I’m not good with numbers.”

Cloud rolled her eyes. “‘Stay in school, kids!’ Okay, let me go slow for you. I’ve scored five times. You, four. Five scores, divided by four equals 120%.”

Derpy’s voice rang across the room, “What did I say!? Leave that to me!”

Cloudkicker and Thunderlane looked at each other.

“Wait, why are we not already banging?” she asked.

He shrugged.

And then they banged.

~~~~~

Twilight was taking a break from the exercise to give some pointers on positions to her ponies and enjoy a shrimp cocktail. Tee hee. Cocktail.

It truly was a magical day.

~~~~~

Rainbow Dash was happy to be back in a pegasus body. Cloudkicker’s body wasn’t nearly as awesome as her own, but it was better than she’d had. Although, she was pretty sure could feel four types of disease just crawling around down there.

Luckily for her, she spotted her own body just finishing up with Derpy’s. She jetted over as fast as she could, not giving whoever it was a second’s rest.

“Hey, you!”

Her body gave Dash the stinkeye. “Now listen, you. You will not call Trixie 'you'. You will never address Trixie as 'you'. You will call Trixie 'your Great and Powerful’.”

“Easy there, Trixie,” Dash groaned. “I just want my body back.”

Trixie visibly calmed down. “Oh. Well give Trixie a minute to recover. I’m exhau-” she interrupted herself when she realized she actually had more energy now than she’d ever had, and this even after going multiple rounds. This body was overflowing with energy. This definitely would have been a keeper. She sighed. It was too bad she didn’t have more time to try it on.

“Very well. Prepare to taste the rainbow.”

~~~~~

Pinkie was seeing double. But Derpy’s crossed eyes were nothing she couldn’t handle. She normally saw LOTS of things A LOT of times. Two wasn’t so bad.

Derpy was having a little more trouble with being in Pinkie. She was a little more prepared for unusual vision than most ponies, but this was ridiculous. She and Time Turner went to museums sometimes. Once at the Manetropolitan, she’d seen cubist paintings. The way Pinkie saw the world reminded her of that.

But worse was the way she moved. Every time she tried to take a step, her whole body bounced this way and that. She was literally bouncing off the walls. Sometimes she’d bounce into a potted fern and come out across the room and knock into a couple. She couldn’t stop. What else could go wrong?

Nothing, if Pinkie had anything to say about it. She may not be her normal self, but she did her best to read her body’s trajectory. Off the ceiling, bank off the wall, through a space pocket in the corner. She lept into the air just in time to catch herself as she emerged from behind a pillar.

“HIYA!” she greeted herself.

“Thanks. I just don’t know wha-”

“Don’t worry about it. Happy to help a fellow me!” Pinkie assured her.

“Well I’m happy to be helped by a fellow ME!” Derpy giggled.

“Derpy! Tell ya what! How ‘bout we have a little fun, get back in our right minds, and then go bake some muffins to celebrate!”

Derpy licked her lips. “Mmmm… Muff-”

~~~~~

Spike had her this time. Hayseed had been extremely unhelpful. But based on some things he overheard from Cloudkicker and Thunderlane, and trying to follow the lines of who switched with who, he was 95% sure that Rarity was in Thunderlane.

So it was with confidence, though maybe slightly less confidence than last time, that he approached Thunderlane’s body. At least he wouldn’t have to pretend to have an accent this time.

“Hey. You’re looking good in my body. Wanna go?” he smirked at the pegasus. Oh yeah, nailed it this time.

Rarity giggled at him. “Oh, you’re so dashing. Let’s.”

Then Spike’s act wasn’t the only thing of his that got nailed. That’s when Spike learned that it truly was better to give than receive. With Hayseed, it might have been disgusting, but at least it wasn’t going to leave him sore for a week. That wasn’t quite how he’d pictured his time with Rarity.

When it was over, he turned to her. “Rarity, you may be wondering why we didn’t switch. I have to be honest with you. I’m not really Thunderlane.”

“Oh, I know,” the pegasus smirked.

Spike dropped his face into his palm. “Oh no. You’re not Rarity?”

“Nope. I’m Cloudkicker.”

~~~~~

Iron Will was at a loss for what to do. His body had run off without him. He didn’t know to be a pony. He was a proud minotaur. “WAS” being the key word. Now look at him.

He’d buried his face in his hooves for a while and tried to ignore the madness going on around him. If a pony… if another pony approached him for sex, he’d shoo them away. He’d block and show them that he rocked.

Wait. That was it. He was IRON WILL. He didn’t take guff from nopony for no reason! Somepony made him lose. Now he was going to blow his fuse! She treated him like a pushover. He would find that mare and give her the once over! He’d hunt her down and take what was his!

Will jumped to his hooves and stormed out the door in pursuit of Lyra, the mare that stole everything from him.

He’d spend the rest of his days, telling anypony who would listen about his quest for HANDS.

~~~~~

Twilight had certainly had worse days than this. She reclined into a beanbag chair she had summoned, swirled her snifter of cognac, and took stock of the Hall. Things were starting to wind down. Most ponies had returned to their rightful bodies and staggered home from the castle. Some few remained, still plugging away, but it was definitely almost closing time.

And oh, the mess. If the smell before was bad earlier, now it could be classified as a level four biohazard. This made that seem like a spring breeze in a pine forest. Coincidentally, Spring Breeze and Pine Forest were currently going at it behind a curtain. Twilight was pretty sure those stains were never going to come out of the curtains. Or the carpets. Or some ponies’ coats. Oh, she did NOT envy whoever’s job it was going to be to mop this place up tomorrow. She looked over at Spike, who was rubbing his backside. Yes, there had been much worse days than this.

Twilight had hoped that ponies wouldn’t have left straight away and hung around a while. She still had a couple announcements for everypony. But as the Prench say, “ce la vie”. She had other means at her disposal, after all.

She lit her horn and a glowing rectangle appeared in front of her. Anypony outside would have seen another giant rectangle with the princess’s face in it form in the sky over the town. Those that did cringed and instinctively covered their ears.

“Hello again, my little ponies! I have to thank you for your cooperation in today’s little, hmm, ‘event’. I have one last request for you. I’m sure many of you will share this sentiment, but let us never speak of what happened here today ever again. Ever. Forget it even happened. If anypony brings it up, just pretend like you don’t know what they’re talking about. I know I will. If after today, you mention what transpired, I will pretend to have no knowledge of it and most likely tell you I spent the day tied up in a closet. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it. I suggest you do the same. Thank you and have a nice day!”

~~~~~

Spike was desperate. He was positive Rarity was still here. Most ponies had gone home, but he hadn’t heard anything about Rarity, so he was sure she was here. She had to be.

He just had no idea who she was. The pickings were slim. He recognized Golden Harvest, Trixie, Thunderlane, and a couple others, plus some ponies he didn’t know. He really had no idea. Spike sighed. Time to roll the dice.

He walked up Golden Harvest. “Hi, there. You should be my last pony of the day,” he told her. It wasn’t actually a lie. He was exhausted and sore. His ass was killing him. He wouldn’t be able to manage another romp after this one.

“Then let’s make it a good one,” Golden responded. She smiled at him gently. Yes! That was totally a Rarity smile. Spike was sure he had her this time. Probably. Hopefully.

He embraced her and gently caressed her mane. “Don’t worry, I’ll be gentle,” he whispered to her.

“I won’t!” she smirked back at him.

“Wha? No!” Spike protested.

But it was too late.

~~~~~

By the time they were done, the mare had taken him, had her way with him, and squeezed out every last bit of vitality he had left.

Spike lay on the floor panting, barely able to move. “Are you… Rarity… or not…?” he gasped.

The mare moved her face right into his and smirked. “Nope. She left a loooong time ago. She went from Hayseed into my body and then traded with Dash back into her own. I’m Cloudkicker.”

Spike was shocked. “Wha!? But! But why!? You knew… it was me… from the last time…"

“Duh.”

“Then why?”

Cloudkicker wore the most shit-eating grin Spike had ever seen. “Because you have a perty mouth.”

~-~-~-~-~

It was almost time for sunset upon Equestria. Luna spared not a thought for that as she descended upon Ponyville and sought out Twilight Sparkle’s Castle of Camaraderie & Kinship. When she stepped inside, she was stunned. Flabbergasted. Appalled by the state of the palace. Bits of food and empty glasses were everywhere. Everything was stained. Something coated the floor so the entire surface shimmered and shined. And the SMELL! Luna had spent some time in Tartarus, and that was more pleasant than this.

Inside the Great Hall, she found only two beings. The first was an older looking Spike lay spread eagle, moaning in puddle of… fluids. The second was Princess Twilight herself, who sat in a bean bag chair, sipping cognac and flipping through a magazine.

Luna picked her way through the room toward Twilight, who looked up at the sound of her hooves squishing across the floor.

Twilight blanched at her approach. “Uh oh.” The smaller alicorn dropped her magazine and drained her snifter. She stood up and met Luna. “Lulu- I mean, Princess Luna! What are you doing here?”

Luna moved to place a hoof over her heart in a gesture of apology, but then thought the better of it, after seeing where that hoof had been. “Princess Twilight, I am truly sorry that I was not able to arrive sooner to render aid to you and yours.”

“Huh?”

“I feel I have been remiss in my duties that you were forced to endure such an ordeal with no assistance,” Luna continued to apologise.

“How did you even know about this?” questioned Twilight.

Luna perked up. “Why, the letter your loyal friend Rainbow Dash sent via dragonflame! I am afraid her inexperience caused it to take quite a meandering path to Canterlot and it only arrived recently,” she explained. “I fear I must inform that my sister has fallen ill. Nopony has seen her since the two of you stole away to her chambers last night. When the letter arrived, the guards report hearing muffled moaning, and were unable to rouse her, even with the promise of birthday cake.”

Luna lowered her voice conspiratorially, “And you know how much Tia loves her cake.”

Twilight’s face darkened. She began to steer the two toward the open balcony.

Luna cooed. “Oh, I fear the poor dear must be just miserable. When they could not summon Celestia, they came to me.”

“Oh, Lul- Luna, that’s terrible!,” Twilight gasped a little too sympathetically.

“Indeed. But, please, I entreat you, what has happened here? The letter made mention of a shift of bodies and minds?”

Twilight waved a hoof. “Oh, it was nothing. A… um… cross-polarized spell matrix? Yes! Yes that’s the ticket! A cross-matricized spell pole?”

“My stars, yes, those can be tricky,” Luna sympathized. Twilight winced in annoyance. "'Twas fortunate that the effect was spread out amongst as many as it was or that more power wasn't used. If it had been used on just one pony, or if it had been somepony more powerful casting, say, my sister or myself, the effect might have lasted all day with no means to force a switch back," Luna theorized.

Twilight's eyes shifted to the balcony railing.

“But should not this have been a simple task for a mage of your caliber, Twilight?” Luna asked in confusion. “A panacea, a counter spell, a reversal cantrip. Surely, any of these should have alleviated the problem and would have been child’s play for you.”

Twilight was standing beside the railing now. “Oh, uh, must have slipped my mind. And don’t call me ‘Shirley’. Oh, would you look at the time! It’s almost sunset! I really should go!”

“Go?”

Twilight climbed onto the railing, will talking a mile a minute, “Yes! I really need be getting back to my cham- I mean I should go visit Princess Celestia if she’s so sick. Magic of friendship and all that! Cure anything!”

“But wait!” Luna called, “Do you not require assistance in remedying your dilemma here?”

“Sure, help Spike clean this mess up! Okay, love you, bye!” And with that, the princess lept from the castle and sped off back to Canterlot as fast as her wings would carry her.

As evening approached Ponyville, Spike laid upon the stained, cracked floor, moaning and stinking, and then fell asleep.

THE (Very Sore) END

Author's Note

Eeyup.

So that was a thing that happened, huh?

This was very first attempt at writing any sort of "mature" story. Or in other words, smut. But alas, smut is not my thing. I'm more interested in puns than buns. (I GET IT!) So instead of any sort of hardcore down and dirty details, you get cunning cunnilingus wordplay. Yay!

Obviously this was for the Bodyswap story contest, which ran for two months. I only found out about the contest in the last twenty days or so, and only had the idea to enter a story in the last two weeks. So of course, being me, rather than start right away and use that two full weeks, I waited until the weekend before the deadline and worked myself dead to crank this out in four days (7500 words of which, or about 41% was all the last night. From when they reconvene in the castle on was all one sitting. I didn't sleep and was still rereading and editing two minutes before I had to leave for work.) But you don't care about that.

Thanks again to Blankscape for prereading and editing this mess.