The Sensuous and Sublime Trixie Vs. The Dastardly EQD Staff
By: ZKPony
Night life in Canterlot was a unique experience. You’ve never lived anything like it. Never seen it, imagined it, daydreamed, or even fever dreamed it. Everything from this point on hangs on that one, inescapable, undeniable fact. One that you need to accept. One that you need to believe. One you need to know. There is a difference between those who believe and those who know. Which one are you?
(wubwubwub)
The sound coming from outside the window was encompassing. It seeped into your very being, filling you with a euphoria that can only come from Canterlot. Even though the window was shut, the shades were drawn, and the speakers turned up, the pale blue unicorn could still hear, neigh, feel the Canterlot night life. She lay reclining on her couch, a gorgeous purple affair of furniture, with a short, low back that provided just enough support. For two.
The sky-colored mare checked the clock again- 11:20.
Still too soon.
The Great and Powerful showmare lounged on her side, with one leg draped over the end of the couch. She makes a sound close to a purr after sipping from her juice box. Yes, juice box. Alcohol goes straight through some ponies, and-
…~
She checks the clock again. Nervous. Excited. Anxious.
11:22
“Sweet Celestia, is he ever going to ARRIVE?!” She lounges back, spread-eagled on the low couch. Waiting. She idly summons a book from her small bookshelf and leafs through it, hardly paying any attention to it at all. It is something about smoke-bomb magic, some reference or whatever.
*KNOCK. KNOCK. (pause) KNOCKKNOCKKNOCK-*
“I am COMING!”
A chuckle from the other side of the door.
It swings open to reveal a tan unicorn with flame-red mane and tail. He has had his coat cleaned and hair brushed and looks dazzling. On his flank is some sort of cube-thingy. His magic is holding some tulips and wine. His eyes wander up and down the mare, but he shows no sign of excitement.
“Tulips, Ser? No roses?” The stallion simply shrugs as he sets his gifts on a nearby coffee table. He bristles a bit, but then returns to his stoic stance.
“No, my sweet. Roses are much too common. The best pony deserves some variety.”
The blue mare chuckles a bit as she closes the door.
“Best pony? Really? When? Once a week? Hardly. How can The Great and Powerful Trixie be best pony when there are so many mares in your life, Sethisto?” The stunning stallion at least has the courtesy to look shocked.
“But my dear, the office-“
“Oh, I know all about the office dear. The Daily is quite busy enough without me there.”
Now Sethisto smiles a wide, genuine grin.
“My lovely, were you there, I would stop all of the office to spend some ‘busy’ time with you. I had honestly thought you’d moved on. I seem to recall reading something about you and a Mr. MacIntosh…?” At this The great and Powerful Female stood up and took on that stance. That tone of voice. You know it. Yes, that one.
“Lies! All Lies! How can they print such awful things about me?! How could you approve it, Seth?” Now the flame-drenched admin looked down in an earnest sadness.
“I have to.” , he whispers. Almost too soft for us to hear, almost.
“Darling, I know. I know. I just want to spend some time with you, Seth. It’s been… Such a long time. Please?”
“You want… I mean.. Of course I… Well.”
Sethisto looks around before laying on the low couch next to Trixie. He opens the wine.
“You know, I hope I’m old enough to drink this. The author clearly has no idea-“
“Hush, Seth! Let’s just enjoy the moment…”
The music is back, gaining in volume, consuming ponies whether they want it or not. The vibrations pull the two closer. Almost touching. A spilled drink. Oops. Tidied up with no worse for wear, and they are looking at each other, through each other. Leaning close, the tan one gently nibble’s Best Pony’s ear. One of them whispers. This time, it is too soft to hear.
Or maybe the music is simply getting louder.
(wubwubwubwubwubwub)
Outside…
The noise is nearly deafening. Somewhere, a pink monstrosity parties everywhere, at once, eating and drinking and bumping ponies as she-
Ohgodshesstaringrightatmeandnow-
It’s over. A subdued gray unicorn navigates his way through the crowd uneasily, as if he’s never done it before. His dark blue mane and odd horseshoe cutie mark become lost in the darkness as he slowly winds his way closer to the apartment of his one true love. His secret love, that no one must know about. Not even his best friends know. Pinkie Pie knows, but that’s because she knows everything and she would never-
…~
He’s at the door. It’s the right one, right. Oh, he’s so nervous. Finally going to confess.
Get it over with. A big bouquet of roses, some juice. He knows she likes juice. Grape, to be exact.
He knocks on the door and hears movement inside. A good bit of movement. He opens the door a crack.
“Oh, I hope I haven’t startled her into hurting hersel-” Four eyes stare at the door, sheer terror on their faces. One is his love. The one no one could possibly know about. The other…
“Is someone there?” ,his love cries out. That voice! Like an angel, but it is too late. Cereal sees his best friend locked leg in leg with the only pony he’s ever cared about. Snuggling. It fills him with a vile fear and courage. He storms in the room, throwing the flowers and juice onto a nearby coffee table.
The tan unicorn disentangles himself while stuttering unintelligibly.
“How could you, both of you! I loved you Trixie, but here I find you with my best friend. And YOU!” He points a hoof at Sethisto.
“You knew I loved her secretly! You had to, and then THS! How could you betray me like this?! We were like brothers! Estranged, completely different brothers with only one common interest to hold on to! My life is ruined! (pony sobbing noises)” Sethisto gathers up his wits and hurries to rectify this.
“I didn’t know, Cereal! How could I?! You always go one about ‘Rarity this’ and Rarity that’ and ‘rarity is best pony BLAH BLAH BAH!’ How could I have known?! Besides, I’ve always loved Trixie! You know that! So how could YOU!” Then Sethisto begins to cry, whether out of love for his mare, or pity for his friend, no one knows but he.
Trixie sits there. Confused slightly. Enamored even. Two love interests?
“How can this be? I have ever only thought that one pony could love me as I was. Sethisto. But now, Cereal, you say that you love me too?” Cereal stops crying just enough to be able to speak properly.
“Yes! A thousand times yes! If you only knew how everything you do sets my heart on fire, Trixie! I would never need anything ever again.”
“You know, Cereal, that was seven words… Seven words to make a woman love you. But I cannot love you! I love Sethisto! Look at him. He is a perfect complement to me, and has loved me throughout two seasons, even before my vast fanon character developments! And he’s so edgy! (cause he’s a cube, get it?) I can’t leave him for you! I’m so sorry!”
Now all three unicorns are crying to some degree, and this story is in a big mess when-
*KNOCKKNOCKKNOCK*
“Keep it down in there! For god’s sakes, can’t a girl have some fun without the crying club next door and-” A pure white pegasus opens the door, her pink mane slightly disheveled, breathing heavily.
“What in the hel-”
“PHOE?!?!” Everyone from the pity party cries out together. Oh god can this night get any worse… I MEAN BETTER. PHOE MAKES EVERYTHING BETTER PLEASE NOT THE WHIPS AGAIN-
…~
“Wow.”
(WUBWUBWUBWUBWUBWUBWUBWUBWUBWUBWUB!!!!!)
The noise is back, only not so strongly. It’s as if it is driven off by drama. Suspense. Or that the party in Canterlot is dying out.
No. Not that one.
The DJ was just switching disks. Ok, it’s back to deafening.
Several quarter of an hour’s and juice/wine later….
“So let me get this straight. Cereal loves Trixie since forever ago, but has bottled it inside. Right?” An enthusiastic nod from the raincloud-colored mess.
“But Sethisto has openly loved Trixie since day -1, right?” All three nod.
“So who does Trixie love?” All eyes are on Trixie. She gulps. Looks around a bit, then cats her face downward.
A sound nopony can hear.
“What was that, Trixie?”
Another silent confession.
“Do not make us bring Fluttershy in to teach you how to speak louder. I can-
“TRIXIE LOVES YOU, PHOE!!!” Everypony freezes.
The sound outside is starting to die a bit. Luna must have made them turn that racket down. Phoe is the first to snap out of it.
“So the real question is… who do I love?” Phoe looks at her wings, pretending to preen, keeping everypony waiting. Gripped in lust, or sadness, or genuine concern. Finally, she looks up.
“I guess… I love all of you.”
And then they all fucked.
And they lived happily ever after.
The end.
(wubwubwubwubTURN THAT MUSIC DOWN OR WE SHALL DESTROY IT!)
Author’s notes:
This is not a serious fiction. PLEASE do not comment on grammer (lol), syntax, characterization, etc. This is poking fun at the EQD staff, who I hope are not super offended by this. I don’t want anypony mad at me.
(Except for Phoe, she can tie me up any day…)
