A Sunny Day: Peacekeeping is Magicby youmaycallmewhiteChaptersAnother sunny dayCarjackIts About TimeA Park Bench, and a Likely PairingReally?My Lesson Zero... And a half... One... Maybe TwoAnother sunny dayAnother sunny day, since I've gotten to Equestria that's the only kind of day I've seen- well minus a few storms the pegasuses or pegasi, or whatever it is they prefer, set up. I honestly don't understand most of what happens around me. Eventually you stop questioning it and learn to stand in your little tower and guard the wall like the grunt you are. When you aren't busy wasting time and tax payers money you can sit on a tank, smoke, bitching about command, and complaining about this "not being what I signed up for" which is funny to hear. You see, if anyone would just look at the papers they signed it would be pretty apparent that this is exactly what they signed up for, just not what they wanted to signed up for. I've only ever seen one of the ponies up close. Her name is Harshwhinney, or so I've heard. She comes every now and then to ensure our military presence is limited to agreed capacity...they seem to be a bit wittier than the indigenous people America's dealt with in the past. "YO! Tom, got a fresh pack a cigs, lookin fer someone to share 'em with." That's Carl Thompson. With all the time I've spent with the guy listening to his stories about 'back on the family ranch' I could write an autobiography on the guy. He and I are kinda assholes to each other but its all in good fun...most of the time "Thompson, do you ever get tired of talking in that stupid accent?" "Do ya ever get tired a being a condensendin asshole?" "not usually, no- would you just give me some smokes? Its been like two days, alright?" "awl raight than, jus' take em' and stop bein such a nancy about it" tom said laughing as mockingly as possible, and just like that another eight hours of sitting in the shade of an ACP, cradling a M-16A2 that's needed to be put out of service for the past thirty years, overheating in my out-dated web gear, and getting one step closer to lung cancer. conversation was the same thing as always, the same movies we've watched at leat thirty times in the rec tent, why being here not home sucks, and what pop stars we'd bone. "ya know Tom me and you are kinda like Forest n' Bubba, cept I ant black and you can't run" "you know what the real difference is?" "No, can't say as though ah care either," he replied with his usual smirk. "The difference is Forest Gump didn't have to fill out a stack of paperwork to change a damn light bulb, and there were no talking horses" Carl scrunched his face a bit, contemplating my words for a bit longer than it should have taken him, and then with a bright sunny face he replied: "Ah like what ah said better" ... That night was more crap, you see I had the night shift on the watch tower my gate one. It may not sound that bad but tonight my shift was with Rick. The guy gets me into more trouble than Carl and watches more porn than Pee Wee Herman. So there I was standing in the plywood tower adjacent to Its twin about forty feet to the right, and there stood Rick. to either side of the entrances to FOB Ponyville were light poles, on the left side of gate one was the bane of my existence: the damn flickering light bulb. I've been filling out paperwork and griping up the chain for seven months now. All I hear is "security clearance this" or "requisitions is tied up" and an and endless tidal-wave of paper work. Every thirty-six seconds the damn thing gives just a second of agony when it flutters out with an annoying clicking sound and then clicks back on. I don't even need to keep a look out, ponies have no aggressive tendencies on the whole, and so I spend my time glaring at the damn light bulb. But not Rick, he spends his time gingerly groping his rifle and staring into the distance. I envy his rifle, the lucky bastard got an M203- I mean, its not like he's ever going to have a reason to use it, but still it looks cool. In my contemplation I had not noticed the slowly rising grin on Rick's face. He turned to look at me, I returned his wandering gaze just as I was about to inquire as to why he seemed to be so happy when the words shot out of his mouth, "you ever thought about riding that sweet piece-a pony ass that comes around to make sure America still want ta play nice?" I wanted to believe he was joking, his resolute silence and un-breaking smirk told me this was not one of his jokes. "Rick, what in the name of god is wrong with you?" "Well it isn't my fault that they don't wear pants, I mean those sweet mare parts are jus-" I had to cut him off. "Just stop, seriously. You want to be a fucking psycho do it on your own time okay?" He looked back at me already prepared to respond, "Sounds like someone's trying to hide something, eh?" I couldn't tell if I was blushing but he really stopped me in my tracks. I truly couldn't give a witty response so I just told him to go to hell. The rest of the night rolled on in silence, around six AM the sun peeked up giving a pink tint to the sky. Rick and I were relieved, as we walked away he bumped me in the shoulder and giving a sly grin he said "your secret's safe with me" ... My clothes clung to my body, my sweat soaked into the canvas of my cot. The sun beat down on me even through the thick canvas of the barrack tent. I may have gotten some sleep even in these awful conditions, if it weren't for my good friends. "Yo Tom, wake up!" My eyes shot open as my helmet hit my chest. Standing over me were Carl and Rick. I couldn't hold back and snappily replied to the rude awakening: "what the fuck do you assholes want? can't you see I'm sleeping?" "Well, ah always thought ya wanted to meet the ponies n' all but I guess the princess has gotta get his sleep," how Thompson actually came up with a response without a ten second delay is beyond me, he probably practiced it on the way to wake me. "What do you mean meet the-" Rick cut me off leaning un-comfortably close to my face, "Its pretty simple, you get to go talk to the ponies about books or math or gay porn or whatever it is you're into, carl gets to...be carl, and I'm gonna go try to see what STD's Equestria has to offer" The two of them broke out into laughter (Carl a few moments after Rick) as I climbed from my cot and strapped up in my web gear. I wasn't sure what was going on, but one thing was evident: this was going to be a long, hot day... and more trouble than it would be worth. CarjackI couldn't believe it, Rick convinced Lieutenant Bridger that the APC bringing the sciencey types to into Ponyville to study pony civilization needed 'Extra security in case of minotaurs I couldn't believe he managed to pull it off. So there we were sitting atop the beat up Bradley APC (still desert painted because no one can get through the paperwork) as it beat its way down the narrow dirt road kicking dust up and leaving a cloud behind behind us. I can't say the trip was silent due to the noise of the Bradley's engine, but there wasn't much conversation the first half of our trip. I was enjoying it, I finally had time to think on my own. The white noise of the open road gave aid to my mental seclusion, but like anything I love in this world Rick had to put his dick in it. "You know, I'm not actually into women anymore?" I didn't want to be the one to deal with him, and from Carl's countenance he didn't either. luckily for both of us, our silence allowed for Rick to handle himself, "I mean, I'm not gay, it's just the porn I've been keeping stashed has just gotten boring. Then like a month ago one of my buddies on the transport team sneaks in this magazine. Well me and this guy know each other from that football game they got together a while ago, ya know, the one Bridger broke up? well this guy he brings it to me, tells me 'check this shit out, funny right?' So I look at the thing and it's got 'PLAYPONY' big black letters. Now I laughed at first, but later that day I got some alone time with it and I start to-" "Rick, do you ever- oh I don't know, think before you say something?" I had to interject, if you don't stop Rick he'll keep going until you lose your breakfast. Carl didn't quite agree, "Tom, ya ever consider maybe ya should just laugh at what Rick's got ta say? I mean true ahr friend here is kinda confessin' he's a horse fucker but it's kinda funny," "It's alright Carl, he's just on edge because he hasn't smoked in a while... that and I'm not sharing the magazine" again they laughed. At that point my only option was to just let Rick go on. "Alright, alright, go ahead Rick, finish your story" Rick went on to describe 'wing-boners' as well as the meaning of plot, and unfortunately 'winking'. By that point, I honestly didn't want to see any ponies, not with Rick anyways. It was too late, my fate was sealed within the fates of two morons. ... My mind raced as it attempted to come to terms with the wonderfully colorful horses. I couldn't believe I was so close to all of them, finally now I could fulfill what I actually wanted when I first volunteered to come to Equestria: I was about to try to fit in amongst talking equines. By that point I was panicking inside. I've never been good with people and now that I had gotten a good look at an actual pony town I realized they're almost exactly like humans. The APC arrived at its destination sooner than I could regain my composure. Our destination was a large tree which seemed to have been turned into a library, or presumably a library taking into account the large sign outside bearing the image of an over sized and opened book which seemed to leap out from the sign. It was curious to see a sign bearing no words and instead an image to designate the buildings purpose. Especially at a library, one would assume if anyone was looking for a library they would know how to read. From the door came a cheerful lavender unicorn pony. She approached the vehicle without hesitation and greeted the science crew as I attempted to appear as if I wasn't school-girling out inside to be so close to her. "Oh, I don't think I've met you before. I'm Twilight Sparkle, I run the library; annd you are?" she asked maintaining her smile. I cleared my mind of wing-boners and winking for just enough time to say "Uhhh.... I'm Tom- Tom Collins, and this is-" "Nuh uh! Ah rode past that place like thirteh minutes ago, n' it wasn't no farm," Of course, of course tom found the one pony here who owned a farm, and managed to screw up my first time meeting a pony. I turned to see him and an orange mare arguing back and forth. "Sweet Apple Acres has been in mah family for four generations, and ahm tellin' you its a farm" "Naw, see ya got animals there, that means its a ranch not a farm" "Well course we got animals, what good farm doesn't? And we grow apples not just herd cattle and such" Hearing them go back and forth was like hearing Carl argue with Carl. "Well then it still aint no farm, that means its an orchard," I could see the orange mare about to provide a rebuttal but Carl started again, "how 'bout this, we arm wrestle ta' decide who's right?" The mare quickly replied, "Sugarcube, ya do know ah don't have arms, right?" The question stumbled Carl. He knitted his brows and licked at the back of his bottom teeth in contemplation, and then he snapped back to the usual grin and replied. "Whell then ah guess ah win by default" Applejack giggled and looked at Carl. "ya know, yer kinda cute. Mah name is Applejack" "I'm Carl, friends call me Carl" " Well Carl, how about next time yer in town we hang out er' somethin'?" Fuck. My. Life. Its About Time"What?" Carl's amused facial expression could only mean one of two things. One: he had been spending too much time with Rick, Two: He had no idea what he had just done. Carl's face soon turned slightly worrisome as he slowly (very slowly) realized I knew more about his own situation than he did. " Ah said what" still faceless I stood. Rick was the first to respond. "Well its about damn time" "Whuddya mean 'bout damn time, time fer what?" I gathered my wits enough to reply. "He means its about time someone... well you know--" "Till someone got some ass Carl. A damn shame that its you and not me, but it'll do." A horrified expression struck across Carl's face as Rick laughed. In the distance Applejack stood talking with some prospective customers. She glanced over to Carl and smiled widely. He raised his hand weakly and tried to reciprocate her smile, failing horribly. "Wait! Ah bet she doesn't even think that she's gonna see it as a date!" I had to cut in and remind him off to remind him of his mistake and to make up for the terrible ride to Ponyville. "You ever seen a girl smile like that at anyone shes not interested in?" "Well ah-" Rick interjected with a friendly "Just think about your sister, or Mrs. Butterworth. You just know they want it. "Rick, Carl is having a hard time, lets be serious." "Oh its damn serious. Do you know what would happen if Mr. Butterworth would do if he knew what me and his wife did? I don't want the 'Brawny' guy's axe lodged in my woo--" I shot daggers at Rick with the fear he may see it as a come on. "I'm gonna go sit down." I sat beside Carl, who was now in the dirt cradling his head. "Ahm goin' tah hell Tom, it aint natural whats hapenin here." From a distance Rick could be heard, "Bullshit! If every time you fuck a horse you go to hell i'd be burning five years ago!" "Aw god, ahm Rick!" "No, Rick is more... well hes just... "' "Hes jus' Rick, Right? I'm gonna go find somewhere tah clean up." "Alright man, just don't hit on any ponies while you're out" Carl left on foot, and on the knowledge that he was going on a date with a horse. And with that, I was left alone. I stood for an hour- or maybe two- alone by the metal behemoth that had brought me to Ponyville. I was sitting at the tire, rifle across my lap, eating 180 calories of overly dry, prepackaged cracker. The biting and munching was broken only by a drink of water, which tasted like plastic (as is the product of a hot day and a 32 ounce canteen) to wet my mouth. It was a thoughtless process to a mind dulled by hours of doing nothing. In my trance I failed to see Twilight approach me. "Hey! Tom was it?" startled by her appearance I stutteringly responded, "Y-yeah, I'm Tom." "Alright, you're friends with carl right? And that other guy, Rex, or was it Rickman?" "Actually its just Rick, and yeah I am." "Soo.. My friend applejack is sort of interested in Carl" at this point I was a little offended that she came to me only to talk about Carl. Atop this I had the worry that were I to tell her how Carl felt it would distance us further. So I did what any other logical human would do: I lied. "Yeah! He really likes her too. Just earlier he was telling me how he wanted to see her soon." "Wow! AJ was worried that she was too direct, this is great news! You three should come back for Pinkie Pies party tomorrow at Sugar Cube Corner, its going to be a lot of fun!" "To be honest with you (this time) It was kind of a fluke that we ended up here today. I'm not sure we'd be allowed to come back for a party." "Don't worry about it, I'll write the princess right away. I'm sure she'd love to meet you tomorrow!" There was a silence between us for a moment, Twilight was smart enough to pick up on my distress "Its okay if you're too uncomfortable with it." The situation required finesse, finesse that I would supply in the form of another lie. "N-no, no, I'm perfectly comfortable with it, I just don't uhh... know what to wear." Smoothe. "Wear your work clothes, they make you look all serious. Its a little bit cool." With that I was set, I was ready to take anything, I was 10' 4" and bullet proo- "Oh god, wheres Rick?" A Park Bench, and a Likely PairingA Park Bench, and a Likely Pairing Though I can't be entirely sure that Rick was at all being truthful at the time I first heard this story, later events have led me to believe most of his story. You see, while I was sitting in the sun doing nothing, Rick was doing the same in a park not far from me. After the Mrs. Butterworth incident Rick had left to search for something to occupy his time. Rick sat down on a small wooden bench, opposite of him was a young, mint green, unicorn mare, of about twenty-three years old. Without anyone to get a reaction from his antics, Rick lit a cigarette, took an especially long drag of it, and rolled his head back to exhale smoke into the sky. From what hes told me it was some time before he realized that the pony across the bench had been staring at him, and more frighteningly had been moving closer to him. When he looked to her she paid no mind to his realization of her presence, but instead continued to gaze deeply, and intently at his hand, which rest atop the back of the bench. She slowly lifted her hoof about an inch off the bench, moved it towards Rick's hand. Her hoof hovered for a short time before descending gently unto Ricks hand. Rick responded to the bizarre unicorn with fear, odd attraction, and caution, "Uh, hey there. Something I can help you with?" "Hands..." "Yes that is what they're called--" "Hands..." "Okay, not sure whats going on here--" "You have hands!" Rick didn't know what to do so he allowed the unicorn to continue, "Will you come with me to a party tomorrow?" "Well, erm, I--" "If you do I'll have sex with you after." "Well its a little sudden--" "I'll let you do anything to me... anything" "Well I am a busy man but you make it hard to resist." "YES! I have to go tell Bon Bon!" and with that the pony pranced and trotted down the dirt road, without so much as giving her name. The way Rick tells it went more like this: "Oh Mr. Human, you look so sexy with your hands." "I know beautiful, I was born this way" "won't you take me now, here, on this bench" "No darling, for I am a true gentleman, tomorrow night we shall attend the local festivities, and only once you have seen my true self shall we make love beneath a blossoming cherry tree, m'lady" "Oh my, your chivalry only makes my loins frothier by the moment. Though I crave you so I will respect the request of such an honorable, and sexy man" Several hours passed until Rick and carl arrived back outside the library. In that time I had spoken with Twilight about a great deal of things. We talked about poetry, novels (and comic books), politics, and a great deal about the differences between our worlds. I neglected to tell Twilight about my failures as a college student, or that I had barely passed high-school. Carl returned first, he joined in to our conversation giving commentary on agricultural technique and the like. For about thirty minutes there was pleasant conversation between us. Twilight Sparkle laughed quite a bit at Carl and my brother-like banter. With all good things, comes a Rick. "Hey guys, guess what. Papa's getting laid tomorrow!" there was a heavy silence as all parties looked to their feet, "what, you guys not proud of me? I'm hooking up with a unicorn." Twilight was first to break the silence. "Well its getting a little late, I'd better get back to the library for the night." and with that the party dispersed. As the sun touched down we mounted up for a ride back to our cozy FOB, to a warm-ish cot and a warm-ish meal. Really?Are you familiar with the walk of shame? If not, you're going to be. It was roughly five in the evening when we arrived in Ponyville. Though we were "guests of honor" we still didn't get to ride inside the vehicle, and we still wore the same three color desert BDUs. Luckily we weren't required to carry sixty pounds of gear we didn't need to the party, just our sidearms. You know, if i'd been born in Compton i'm sure it would be normal to bring a handgun to a party, but amongst talking horses you're the odd one out. Rick managed to find a tie that was clearly brought back from the eighties, i still don't know where he got it, and carl brought a brown paper bag to breath into (and a condom and large size bottle of astroglide courtesy of Rick and yours truly). It was nice to feel the evening breeze on the ride in, it soothed the unseen injuries of the colossal ass chewing we'd all received. As it turns out getting special attention from a Princess is a good thing, unless you're enlisted. At that point it becomes "why did you not follow contact procedure" and a flurry of "way above your pay grades ", so... not good. But that was all over now. It was time to loosen up, to party, and to fearfully enjoy the company of a demigod horse-- that sounded much simpler at the time. The sun was soon to fully lower beneath the crest of Ponyville's surrounding mountains as we arrived. A quick ten minutes of combing hair, calming Carl, and listening to Rick read the Aloe and Lotus: A Very Happy Ending from PLAYPONY, and we were off. "You know I once read a guide by this one guy on the internet on how to fuck a horse, 'said its pretty much the same as with a dolphin." "Rick, what does that even mean?" I was puzzled, but of course Rick would go on to explain. "You see, both are pretty jumping when it comes to my dick, so you have to form a loving bond with them or make them feel comfortable first. If you don't do that then they fight back, and you have to tie them down." Silence hung about as I tried to piece together what Rick had just said. With a statement like that even Mother Teresa let slip a, "Holy fuck..." The walk to the party was brief, we were met at the door by our... *ahem* 'dates'. With no shock, they were all naked as always. "Well sugar cube, yer' lookin pretty good tahnight" with only a few seconds' delay Carl shot a hasty, and slightly loud " Thanks, er, um thank thank ya... u-uh, you too" picking up on his distress I took the attention off of him, "So, its good to see you Twilight." "Its good to see you too Tom, how was--" with a flash of green I knew Rick had been telling the truth earlier, sort of, "Hi Rick! I'm so hor-- er, happy to see you! Lets go in to the party so we can go back to my place soon!" "How do you know my name? And for that matter what's yours? "Oh, well I was listening to one of those-- what do you call them? Ray-dee-oh's? and I heard you and your friends last night about... well I don't know, but c'mon, lets go drink!" No sane person has ever argued that sentiment. The party was nice. Though I didn't really like the music, and I think I left with diabetes (ponies like their sweets), I enjoyed myself. Midway through a dance with my unicorn companion, who was at this point a little tipsy, Rick came begging for help. " Come on Tom! Shes nuts! Bat shit crazy! Fucking psychotic! She keeps talking about what shes going to do to me later, right in front of her god damn family!" " So what? I thought you were into that kind of stuff, or is it just not the same without Mrs. Butterworth?" with a knitted brow Sparkle interjected "Mrs. Butterworth? Like the pony who runs the pancake house down the road?" "No Twi... its a long story. Thats beside the point, your mess you deal with it." "Fine, but I'm gonna get you back." "What did he mean by--" "Don't mind Rick, he's always like this." The night carried on till the party's end, the princess never made an appearance. She had some important business with the minotaur ambassador, I guess they do exist. It was clear that I'd fall off the back of any vehicle with all the drinks I'd had. Without myself even needing to ask, Twilight offered to let me stay at her place. "Nice place you got here" "Yeah, I like it. so whats it like living at your FOB? The researchers say its-- what's that?" she lifted her hoof pointing to a magazine. "I don't--" It was too late, she'd already levitated it out and laid it at her hooves. True to his word, Rick had gotten me back. Written bold across the top in big, black font were two words "HORN-Y MARES. "Really? You're into unicorns?" a sly grin appeared across her face "I think we can do something with that" with an amazingly light tap of her hoof I was laying back across her bed. Twilight quickly moved to straddle me, her hoof rubbing hard against my groin. It felt good. Hell, it felt damn good.To be honest, I don't remember any more about that evening. I'd like to say I resisted her advances, but waking up naked, with parts still inside of her, I can rest assured I did not. Leaving was awkward. You remember that walk of shame from earlier? Well imagine walking miles to get back to base after missing our ride the night before, knowing good and well you just plowed a horse. Carl was oddly upbeat, I guess he had the time of his life. Rick on the other hand, was in worse shape than even I. I looked at him, and he stammered "I-I don't want to go back to Ponyville, ever again. I've done things" I guess Lyra was even too much for Rick. My Lesson Zero... And a half... One... Maybe TwoTwo weeks, two weeks of avoiding eye contact, two weeks of avoiding conversation, two weeks of avoiding 'minotaur guard duty', and most of all two weeks of avoiding a certain purple pony. With my fourteen days of cleverly constructed excuses, I thought I was in the clear. I awoke in the barracks tent and rolled to see my cot's world class view, Rick, face down, in a pool of saliva, blank faced, and cradling his helmet in a deep sleep, and his underwear. The bugle rang out to awaken all in FOB Ponyville (more a suggestion than anything if you didn't have an assigned task for the morning). Carl rose half awake, Rick did not. Together we shaved over canteen cups filled with cold water, Rick did not. We prepared to go get breakfast while it was still hot, Rick scrambled to put on pants and followed. We three sat silent in the loud mess tent and ate our breakfast. No neither Rick nor myself wanted to speak, and Carl didn't have any other friends. After eating I planned to go sit in the sun before it got hot outside and enjoy a morning smoke. A voice from behind informed me that my plans were not going to come to fruition. "Hey, Tom, (you're fucked buddy.) Captain Wallace wants to speak with you." "Great, any particular reason (how fucked am I?) ?" "Don't know, but it doesn't sound good (Minor infractions don't get a meeting with the Captain, dumbass)." It was a trip to the principal office all over again. My legs shook, my breathing became erratic, my palms became clammy, and my thoughts raced. I stood before the plywood door of the Captain's office, with hopes it would never open. It did. "Sir, good morning Sir." "Well, good morning to you too private. Come in, take a seat." "Thank you Sir." Cpt. Wallace sat across his desk (card table covered in papers) and read over what appeared to be an Equestrian parchment scroll bearing the royal seal, occasionally glancing to some papers in a manilla folder and then at me. "Well, I don't understand exactly just whats going on here. For starters, what the hell is a 'minotaur protection detail? Second, why the hell are you a part of it? Third, why does Celestia personally request your presence at a party. Most of all, why the hell is she now requesting you to report immediately to her protege`?" a silence hung briefly as I planned my court martial, "you know what? I dont even wanna know. Meet with the researchers at the convoy into Ponyville in thirty minutes. Go to the Ponyville Public Library and meet with Twilight sparkle. She'll relay your orders from there." And thats how I ended up standing outside the second door I wished would stay closed of that day. It did. When it opened standing inside was that same purple face I looked at while I... nevermind. I moved to a position of attention, giving the most crisp salute I could. "Really? You think a salute is the proper greeting after two weeks of avoiding me?" "I-I" "I'm kidding, come in." I stepped, for the second time, through the threshold of the Ponyville Public Library. "So, there are a few things we need to talk about. I think the most important at this point is clearing the field after our, well, afterparty two weeks ago." yep, I felt like killing myself. I was having a relationship talk with a horse, and a purple dragon with a shocked face scurried to leave the room. Never did I see myself being in this situation. "We were both drunk, and I saw that dirty magazine, and I guess I just saw it as a green light. I recognize that the socio-cultural customs of your people would lead you to feel shameful of what happened, so I understand why you haven't wanted to see me." "Listen, Twilight, that wasn't even mine. Rick put it in my pocket to embarass me in front of you. I'm not even Into mares." "Well you seemed pretty into it. You don't 'go down on' somepony if you're not into it." "Oh god. (that explained the taste the next day)" I hung my head and covered my face. Twilight picked up quickly on my anguish, "It's okay, you shouldn't be embarrassed of your sexuality. Which leads me to what we need to talk about next. I see a lot of potential in you. You're smart, and funny, and nice, and I've requested of Princess Celestia, and of your commanding officers, to have you assigned to me as my protege`." At this point I could see that I was bound to Twilight Sparkle, whether I liked it or not. Two weeks wasted. "Of course they all gladly obliged, your military seems to be very efficient when it comes to cooperating." Except when it comes to changing light bulbs, "So, for a few nights out of the week you'll be staying with me here at the library, where you'll study alongside me, and under my direction. Any questions?" I hate my life. "Um, studying what, exactly?" "The magic of friendship, of course. Anything else?" "Yeah, where am I going to be sleeping?" . . . I lain beside Twilight in her bed for the second time, this time with my underwear on. Twilight insisted I sleep without pants or a shirt because sleeping in clothes is too 'improper', but sharing a bed isn't apparently. Her blankets were as silky smooth and soft as I remembered. I could a sweet scent drifted from the sleeping pony beside me. I couldn't resist her and moved closer, wrapping my arms around her warm, soft body. My groin was touching her backside lightly, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't at least a little aroused at that point. I felt guilty, and a little bit ashamed that I was basically violating a sleeping horse woman. That guilt only lasted until she pushed her rump against my crotch, letting her wet marehood soak through my boxer briefs, and running her hoof between her hind legs to gently rub- you get the picture. Twilight scoffed slightly and left me with one statement before resuming her rest (still pressed against a horny human): "Pfft, not into mares..." If there was anything I learned from this it would be to never have sex with a horse... well, I guess just not one that wants a relationship... it also could've been don't get drunk and go home with a sexy unicorn... maybe just don't join the Army.
Another sunny dayAnother sunny day, since I've gotten to Equestria that's the only kind of day I've seen- well minus a few storms the pegasuses or pegasi, or whatever it is they prefer, set up. I honestly don't understand most of what happens around me. Eventually you stop questioning it and learn to stand in your little tower and guard the wall like the grunt you are. When you aren't busy wasting time and tax payers money you can sit on a tank, smoke, bitching about command, and complaining about this "not being what I signed up for" which is funny to hear. You see, if anyone would just look at the papers they signed it would be pretty apparent that this is exactly what they signed up for, just not what they wanted to signed up for. I've only ever seen one of the ponies up close. Her name is Harshwhinney, or so I've heard. She comes every now and then to ensure our military presence is limited to agreed capacity...they seem to be a bit wittier than the indigenous people America's dealt with in the past. "YO! Tom, got a fresh pack a cigs, lookin fer someone to share 'em with." That's Carl Thompson. With all the time I've spent with the guy listening to his stories about 'back on the family ranch' I could write an autobiography on the guy. He and I are kinda assholes to each other but its all in good fun...most of the time "Thompson, do you ever get tired of talking in that stupid accent?" "Do ya ever get tired a being a condensendin asshole?" "not usually, no- would you just give me some smokes? Its been like two days, alright?" "awl raight than, jus' take em' and stop bein such a nancy about it" tom said laughing as mockingly as possible, and just like that another eight hours of sitting in the shade of an ACP, cradling a M-16A2 that's needed to be put out of service for the past thirty years, overheating in my out-dated web gear, and getting one step closer to lung cancer. conversation was the same thing as always, the same movies we've watched at leat thirty times in the rec tent, why being here not home sucks, and what pop stars we'd bone. "ya know Tom me and you are kinda like Forest n' Bubba, cept I ant black and you can't run" "you know what the real difference is?" "No, can't say as though ah care either," he replied with his usual smirk. "The difference is Forest Gump didn't have to fill out a stack of paperwork to change a damn light bulb, and there were no talking horses" Carl scrunched his face a bit, contemplating my words for a bit longer than it should have taken him, and then with a bright sunny face he replied: "Ah like what ah said better" ... That night was more crap, you see I had the night shift on the watch tower my gate one. It may not sound that bad but tonight my shift was with Rick. The guy gets me into more trouble than Carl and watches more porn than Pee Wee Herman. So there I was standing in the plywood tower adjacent to Its twin about forty feet to the right, and there stood Rick. to either side of the entrances to FOB Ponyville were light poles, on the left side of gate one was the bane of my existence: the damn flickering light bulb. I've been filling out paperwork and griping up the chain for seven months now. All I hear is "security clearance this" or "requisitions is tied up" and an and endless tidal-wave of paper work. Every thirty-six seconds the damn thing gives just a second of agony when it flutters out with an annoying clicking sound and then clicks back on. I don't even need to keep a look out, ponies have no aggressive tendencies on the whole, and so I spend my time glaring at the damn light bulb. But not Rick, he spends his time gingerly groping his rifle and staring into the distance. I envy his rifle, the lucky bastard got an M203- I mean, its not like he's ever going to have a reason to use it, but still it looks cool. In my contemplation I had not noticed the slowly rising grin on Rick's face. He turned to look at me, I returned his wandering gaze just as I was about to inquire as to why he seemed to be so happy when the words shot out of his mouth, "you ever thought about riding that sweet piece-a pony ass that comes around to make sure America still want ta play nice?" I wanted to believe he was joking, his resolute silence and un-breaking smirk told me this was not one of his jokes. "Rick, what in the name of god is wrong with you?" "Well it isn't my fault that they don't wear pants, I mean those sweet mare parts are jus-" I had to cut him off. "Just stop, seriously. You want to be a fucking psycho do it on your own time okay?" He looked back at me already prepared to respond, "Sounds like someone's trying to hide something, eh?" I couldn't tell if I was blushing but he really stopped me in my tracks. I truly couldn't give a witty response so I just told him to go to hell. The rest of the night rolled on in silence, around six AM the sun peeked up giving a pink tint to the sky. Rick and I were relieved, as we walked away he bumped me in the shoulder and giving a sly grin he said "your secret's safe with me" ... My clothes clung to my body, my sweat soaked into the canvas of my cot. The sun beat down on me even through the thick canvas of the barrack tent. I may have gotten some sleep even in these awful conditions, if it weren't for my good friends. "Yo Tom, wake up!" My eyes shot open as my helmet hit my chest. Standing over me were Carl and Rick. I couldn't hold back and snappily replied to the rude awakening: "what the fuck do you assholes want? can't you see I'm sleeping?" "Well, ah always thought ya wanted to meet the ponies n' all but I guess the princess has gotta get his sleep," how Thompson actually came up with a response without a ten second delay is beyond me, he probably practiced it on the way to wake me. "What do you mean meet the-" Rick cut me off leaning un-comfortably close to my face, "Its pretty simple, you get to go talk to the ponies about books or math or gay porn or whatever it is you're into, carl gets to...be carl, and I'm gonna go try to see what STD's Equestria has to offer" The two of them broke out into laughter (Carl a few moments after Rick) as I climbed from my cot and strapped up in my web gear. I wasn't sure what was going on, but one thing was evident: this was going to be a long, hot day... and more trouble than it would be worth.
CarjackI couldn't believe it, Rick convinced Lieutenant Bridger that the APC bringing the sciencey types to into Ponyville to study pony civilization needed 'Extra security in case of minotaurs I couldn't believe he managed to pull it off. So there we were sitting atop the beat up Bradley APC (still desert painted because no one can get through the paperwork) as it beat its way down the narrow dirt road kicking dust up and leaving a cloud behind behind us. I can't say the trip was silent due to the noise of the Bradley's engine, but there wasn't much conversation the first half of our trip. I was enjoying it, I finally had time to think on my own. The white noise of the open road gave aid to my mental seclusion, but like anything I love in this world Rick had to put his dick in it. "You know, I'm not actually into women anymore?" I didn't want to be the one to deal with him, and from Carl's countenance he didn't either. luckily for both of us, our silence allowed for Rick to handle himself, "I mean, I'm not gay, it's just the porn I've been keeping stashed has just gotten boring. Then like a month ago one of my buddies on the transport team sneaks in this magazine. Well me and this guy know each other from that football game they got together a while ago, ya know, the one Bridger broke up? well this guy he brings it to me, tells me 'check this shit out, funny right?' So I look at the thing and it's got 'PLAYPONY' big black letters. Now I laughed at first, but later that day I got some alone time with it and I start to-" "Rick, do you ever- oh I don't know, think before you say something?" I had to interject, if you don't stop Rick he'll keep going until you lose your breakfast. Carl didn't quite agree, "Tom, ya ever consider maybe ya should just laugh at what Rick's got ta say? I mean true ahr friend here is kinda confessin' he's a horse fucker but it's kinda funny," "It's alright Carl, he's just on edge because he hasn't smoked in a while... that and I'm not sharing the magazine" again they laughed. At that point my only option was to just let Rick go on. "Alright, alright, go ahead Rick, finish your story" Rick went on to describe 'wing-boners' as well as the meaning of plot, and unfortunately 'winking'. By that point, I honestly didn't want to see any ponies, not with Rick anyways. It was too late, my fate was sealed within the fates of two morons. ... My mind raced as it attempted to come to terms with the wonderfully colorful horses. I couldn't believe I was so close to all of them, finally now I could fulfill what I actually wanted when I first volunteered to come to Equestria: I was about to try to fit in amongst talking equines. By that point I was panicking inside. I've never been good with people and now that I had gotten a good look at an actual pony town I realized they're almost exactly like humans. The APC arrived at its destination sooner than I could regain my composure. Our destination was a large tree which seemed to have been turned into a library, or presumably a library taking into account the large sign outside bearing the image of an over sized and opened book which seemed to leap out from the sign. It was curious to see a sign bearing no words and instead an image to designate the buildings purpose. Especially at a library, one would assume if anyone was looking for a library they would know how to read. From the door came a cheerful lavender unicorn pony. She approached the vehicle without hesitation and greeted the science crew as I attempted to appear as if I wasn't school-girling out inside to be so close to her. "Oh, I don't think I've met you before. I'm Twilight Sparkle, I run the library; annd you are?" she asked maintaining her smile. I cleared my mind of wing-boners and winking for just enough time to say "Uhhh.... I'm Tom- Tom Collins, and this is-" "Nuh uh! Ah rode past that place like thirteh minutes ago, n' it wasn't no farm," Of course, of course tom found the one pony here who owned a farm, and managed to screw up my first time meeting a pony. I turned to see him and an orange mare arguing back and forth. "Sweet Apple Acres has been in mah family for four generations, and ahm tellin' you its a farm" "Naw, see ya got animals there, that means its a ranch not a farm" "Well course we got animals, what good farm doesn't? And we grow apples not just herd cattle and such" Hearing them go back and forth was like hearing Carl argue with Carl. "Well then it still aint no farm, that means its an orchard," I could see the orange mare about to provide a rebuttal but Carl started again, "how 'bout this, we arm wrestle ta' decide who's right?" The mare quickly replied, "Sugarcube, ya do know ah don't have arms, right?" The question stumbled Carl. He knitted his brows and licked at the back of his bottom teeth in contemplation, and then he snapped back to the usual grin and replied. "Whell then ah guess ah win by default" Applejack giggled and looked at Carl. "ya know, yer kinda cute. Mah name is Applejack" "I'm Carl, friends call me Carl" " Well Carl, how about next time yer in town we hang out er' somethin'?" Fuck. My. Life.
Its About Time"What?" Carl's amused facial expression could only mean one of two things. One: he had been spending too much time with Rick, Two: He had no idea what he had just done. Carl's face soon turned slightly worrisome as he slowly (very slowly) realized I knew more about his own situation than he did. " Ah said what" still faceless I stood. Rick was the first to respond. "Well its about damn time" "Whuddya mean 'bout damn time, time fer what?" I gathered my wits enough to reply. "He means its about time someone... well you know--" "Till someone got some ass Carl. A damn shame that its you and not me, but it'll do." A horrified expression struck across Carl's face as Rick laughed. In the distance Applejack stood talking with some prospective customers. She glanced over to Carl and smiled widely. He raised his hand weakly and tried to reciprocate her smile, failing horribly. "Wait! Ah bet she doesn't even think that she's gonna see it as a date!" I had to cut in and remind him off to remind him of his mistake and to make up for the terrible ride to Ponyville. "You ever seen a girl smile like that at anyone shes not interested in?" "Well ah-" Rick interjected with a friendly "Just think about your sister, or Mrs. Butterworth. You just know they want it. "Rick, Carl is having a hard time, lets be serious." "Oh its damn serious. Do you know what would happen if Mr. Butterworth would do if he knew what me and his wife did? I don't want the 'Brawny' guy's axe lodged in my woo--" I shot daggers at Rick with the fear he may see it as a come on. "I'm gonna go sit down." I sat beside Carl, who was now in the dirt cradling his head. "Ahm goin' tah hell Tom, it aint natural whats hapenin here." From a distance Rick could be heard, "Bullshit! If every time you fuck a horse you go to hell i'd be burning five years ago!" "Aw god, ahm Rick!" "No, Rick is more... well hes just... "' "Hes jus' Rick, Right? I'm gonna go find somewhere tah clean up." "Alright man, just don't hit on any ponies while you're out" Carl left on foot, and on the knowledge that he was going on a date with a horse. And with that, I was left alone. I stood for an hour- or maybe two- alone by the metal behemoth that had brought me to Ponyville. I was sitting at the tire, rifle across my lap, eating 180 calories of overly dry, prepackaged cracker. The biting and munching was broken only by a drink of water, which tasted like plastic (as is the product of a hot day and a 32 ounce canteen) to wet my mouth. It was a thoughtless process to a mind dulled by hours of doing nothing. In my trance I failed to see Twilight approach me. "Hey! Tom was it?" startled by her appearance I stutteringly responded, "Y-yeah, I'm Tom." "Alright, you're friends with carl right? And that other guy, Rex, or was it Rickman?" "Actually its just Rick, and yeah I am." "Soo.. My friend applejack is sort of interested in Carl" at this point I was a little offended that she came to me only to talk about Carl. Atop this I had the worry that were I to tell her how Carl felt it would distance us further. So I did what any other logical human would do: I lied. "Yeah! He really likes her too. Just earlier he was telling me how he wanted to see her soon." "Wow! AJ was worried that she was too direct, this is great news! You three should come back for Pinkie Pies party tomorrow at Sugar Cube Corner, its going to be a lot of fun!" "To be honest with you (this time) It was kind of a fluke that we ended up here today. I'm not sure we'd be allowed to come back for a party." "Don't worry about it, I'll write the princess right away. I'm sure she'd love to meet you tomorrow!" There was a silence between us for a moment, Twilight was smart enough to pick up on my distress "Its okay if you're too uncomfortable with it." The situation required finesse, finesse that I would supply in the form of another lie. "N-no, no, I'm perfectly comfortable with it, I just don't uhh... know what to wear." Smoothe. "Wear your work clothes, they make you look all serious. Its a little bit cool." With that I was set, I was ready to take anything, I was 10' 4" and bullet proo- "Oh god, wheres Rick?"
A Park Bench, and a Likely PairingA Park Bench, and a Likely Pairing Though I can't be entirely sure that Rick was at all being truthful at the time I first heard this story, later events have led me to believe most of his story. You see, while I was sitting in the sun doing nothing, Rick was doing the same in a park not far from me. After the Mrs. Butterworth incident Rick had left to search for something to occupy his time. Rick sat down on a small wooden bench, opposite of him was a young, mint green, unicorn mare, of about twenty-three years old. Without anyone to get a reaction from his antics, Rick lit a cigarette, took an especially long drag of it, and rolled his head back to exhale smoke into the sky. From what hes told me it was some time before he realized that the pony across the bench had been staring at him, and more frighteningly had been moving closer to him. When he looked to her she paid no mind to his realization of her presence, but instead continued to gaze deeply, and intently at his hand, which rest atop the back of the bench. She slowly lifted her hoof about an inch off the bench, moved it towards Rick's hand. Her hoof hovered for a short time before descending gently unto Ricks hand. Rick responded to the bizarre unicorn with fear, odd attraction, and caution, "Uh, hey there. Something I can help you with?" "Hands..." "Yes that is what they're called--" "Hands..." "Okay, not sure whats going on here--" "You have hands!" Rick didn't know what to do so he allowed the unicorn to continue, "Will you come with me to a party tomorrow?" "Well, erm, I--" "If you do I'll have sex with you after." "Well its a little sudden--" "I'll let you do anything to me... anything" "Well I am a busy man but you make it hard to resist." "YES! I have to go tell Bon Bon!" and with that the pony pranced and trotted down the dirt road, without so much as giving her name. The way Rick tells it went more like this: "Oh Mr. Human, you look so sexy with your hands." "I know beautiful, I was born this way" "won't you take me now, here, on this bench" "No darling, for I am a true gentleman, tomorrow night we shall attend the local festivities, and only once you have seen my true self shall we make love beneath a blossoming cherry tree, m'lady" "Oh my, your chivalry only makes my loins frothier by the moment. Though I crave you so I will respect the request of such an honorable, and sexy man" Several hours passed until Rick and carl arrived back outside the library. In that time I had spoken with Twilight about a great deal of things. We talked about poetry, novels (and comic books), politics, and a great deal about the differences between our worlds. I neglected to tell Twilight about my failures as a college student, or that I had barely passed high-school. Carl returned first, he joined in to our conversation giving commentary on agricultural technique and the like. For about thirty minutes there was pleasant conversation between us. Twilight Sparkle laughed quite a bit at Carl and my brother-like banter. With all good things, comes a Rick. "Hey guys, guess what. Papa's getting laid tomorrow!" there was a heavy silence as all parties looked to their feet, "what, you guys not proud of me? I'm hooking up with a unicorn." Twilight was first to break the silence. "Well its getting a little late, I'd better get back to the library for the night." and with that the party dispersed. As the sun touched down we mounted up for a ride back to our cozy FOB, to a warm-ish cot and a warm-ish meal.
Really?Are you familiar with the walk of shame? If not, you're going to be. It was roughly five in the evening when we arrived in Ponyville. Though we were "guests of honor" we still didn't get to ride inside the vehicle, and we still wore the same three color desert BDUs. Luckily we weren't required to carry sixty pounds of gear we didn't need to the party, just our sidearms. You know, if i'd been born in Compton i'm sure it would be normal to bring a handgun to a party, but amongst talking horses you're the odd one out. Rick managed to find a tie that was clearly brought back from the eighties, i still don't know where he got it, and carl brought a brown paper bag to breath into (and a condom and large size bottle of astroglide courtesy of Rick and yours truly). It was nice to feel the evening breeze on the ride in, it soothed the unseen injuries of the colossal ass chewing we'd all received. As it turns out getting special attention from a Princess is a good thing, unless you're enlisted. At that point it becomes "why did you not follow contact procedure" and a flurry of "way above your pay grades ", so... not good. But that was all over now. It was time to loosen up, to party, and to fearfully enjoy the company of a demigod horse-- that sounded much simpler at the time. The sun was soon to fully lower beneath the crest of Ponyville's surrounding mountains as we arrived. A quick ten minutes of combing hair, calming Carl, and listening to Rick read the Aloe and Lotus: A Very Happy Ending from PLAYPONY, and we were off. "You know I once read a guide by this one guy on the internet on how to fuck a horse, 'said its pretty much the same as with a dolphin." "Rick, what does that even mean?" I was puzzled, but of course Rick would go on to explain. "You see, both are pretty jumping when it comes to my dick, so you have to form a loving bond with them or make them feel comfortable first. If you don't do that then they fight back, and you have to tie them down." Silence hung about as I tried to piece together what Rick had just said. With a statement like that even Mother Teresa let slip a, "Holy fuck..." The walk to the party was brief, we were met at the door by our... *ahem* 'dates'. With no shock, they were all naked as always. "Well sugar cube, yer' lookin pretty good tahnight" with only a few seconds' delay Carl shot a hasty, and slightly loud " Thanks, er, um thank thank ya... u-uh, you too" picking up on his distress I took the attention off of him, "So, its good to see you Twilight." "Its good to see you too Tom, how was--" with a flash of green I knew Rick had been telling the truth earlier, sort of, "Hi Rick! I'm so hor-- er, happy to see you! Lets go in to the party so we can go back to my place soon!" "How do you know my name? And for that matter what's yours? "Oh, well I was listening to one of those-- what do you call them? Ray-dee-oh's? and I heard you and your friends last night about... well I don't know, but c'mon, lets go drink!" No sane person has ever argued that sentiment. The party was nice. Though I didn't really like the music, and I think I left with diabetes (ponies like their sweets), I enjoyed myself. Midway through a dance with my unicorn companion, who was at this point a little tipsy, Rick came begging for help. " Come on Tom! Shes nuts! Bat shit crazy! Fucking psychotic! She keeps talking about what shes going to do to me later, right in front of her god damn family!" " So what? I thought you were into that kind of stuff, or is it just not the same without Mrs. Butterworth?" with a knitted brow Sparkle interjected "Mrs. Butterworth? Like the pony who runs the pancake house down the road?" "No Twi... its a long story. Thats beside the point, your mess you deal with it." "Fine, but I'm gonna get you back." "What did he mean by--" "Don't mind Rick, he's always like this." The night carried on till the party's end, the princess never made an appearance. She had some important business with the minotaur ambassador, I guess they do exist. It was clear that I'd fall off the back of any vehicle with all the drinks I'd had. Without myself even needing to ask, Twilight offered to let me stay at her place. "Nice place you got here" "Yeah, I like it. so whats it like living at your FOB? The researchers say its-- what's that?" she lifted her hoof pointing to a magazine. "I don't--" It was too late, she'd already levitated it out and laid it at her hooves. True to his word, Rick had gotten me back. Written bold across the top in big, black font were two words "HORN-Y MARES. "Really? You're into unicorns?" a sly grin appeared across her face "I think we can do something with that" with an amazingly light tap of her hoof I was laying back across her bed. Twilight quickly moved to straddle me, her hoof rubbing hard against my groin. It felt good. Hell, it felt damn good.To be honest, I don't remember any more about that evening. I'd like to say I resisted her advances, but waking up naked, with parts still inside of her, I can rest assured I did not. Leaving was awkward. You remember that walk of shame from earlier? Well imagine walking miles to get back to base after missing our ride the night before, knowing good and well you just plowed a horse. Carl was oddly upbeat, I guess he had the time of his life. Rick on the other hand, was in worse shape than even I. I looked at him, and he stammered "I-I don't want to go back to Ponyville, ever again. I've done things" I guess Lyra was even too much for Rick.
My Lesson Zero... And a half... One... Maybe TwoTwo weeks, two weeks of avoiding eye contact, two weeks of avoiding conversation, two weeks of avoiding 'minotaur guard duty', and most of all two weeks of avoiding a certain purple pony. With my fourteen days of cleverly constructed excuses, I thought I was in the clear. I awoke in the barracks tent and rolled to see my cot's world class view, Rick, face down, in a pool of saliva, blank faced, and cradling his helmet in a deep sleep, and his underwear. The bugle rang out to awaken all in FOB Ponyville (more a suggestion than anything if you didn't have an assigned task for the morning). Carl rose half awake, Rick did not. Together we shaved over canteen cups filled with cold water, Rick did not. We prepared to go get breakfast while it was still hot, Rick scrambled to put on pants and followed. We three sat silent in the loud mess tent and ate our breakfast. No neither Rick nor myself wanted to speak, and Carl didn't have any other friends. After eating I planned to go sit in the sun before it got hot outside and enjoy a morning smoke. A voice from behind informed me that my plans were not going to come to fruition. "Hey, Tom, (you're fucked buddy.) Captain Wallace wants to speak with you." "Great, any particular reason (how fucked am I?) ?" "Don't know, but it doesn't sound good (Minor infractions don't get a meeting with the Captain, dumbass)." It was a trip to the principal office all over again. My legs shook, my breathing became erratic, my palms became clammy, and my thoughts raced. I stood before the plywood door of the Captain's office, with hopes it would never open. It did. "Sir, good morning Sir." "Well, good morning to you too private. Come in, take a seat." "Thank you Sir." Cpt. Wallace sat across his desk (card table covered in papers) and read over what appeared to be an Equestrian parchment scroll bearing the royal seal, occasionally glancing to some papers in a manilla folder and then at me. "Well, I don't understand exactly just whats going on here. For starters, what the hell is a 'minotaur protection detail? Second, why the hell are you a part of it? Third, why does Celestia personally request your presence at a party. Most of all, why the hell is she now requesting you to report immediately to her protege`?" a silence hung briefly as I planned my court martial, "you know what? I dont even wanna know. Meet with the researchers at the convoy into Ponyville in thirty minutes. Go to the Ponyville Public Library and meet with Twilight sparkle. She'll relay your orders from there." And thats how I ended up standing outside the second door I wished would stay closed of that day. It did. When it opened standing inside was that same purple face I looked at while I... nevermind. I moved to a position of attention, giving the most crisp salute I could. "Really? You think a salute is the proper greeting after two weeks of avoiding me?" "I-I" "I'm kidding, come in." I stepped, for the second time, through the threshold of the Ponyville Public Library. "So, there are a few things we need to talk about. I think the most important at this point is clearing the field after our, well, afterparty two weeks ago." yep, I felt like killing myself. I was having a relationship talk with a horse, and a purple dragon with a shocked face scurried to leave the room. Never did I see myself being in this situation. "We were both drunk, and I saw that dirty magazine, and I guess I just saw it as a green light. I recognize that the socio-cultural customs of your people would lead you to feel shameful of what happened, so I understand why you haven't wanted to see me." "Listen, Twilight, that wasn't even mine. Rick put it in my pocket to embarass me in front of you. I'm not even Into mares." "Well you seemed pretty into it. You don't 'go down on' somepony if you're not into it." "Oh god. (that explained the taste the next day)" I hung my head and covered my face. Twilight picked up quickly on my anguish, "It's okay, you shouldn't be embarrassed of your sexuality. Which leads me to what we need to talk about next. I see a lot of potential in you. You're smart, and funny, and nice, and I've requested of Princess Celestia, and of your commanding officers, to have you assigned to me as my protege`." At this point I could see that I was bound to Twilight Sparkle, whether I liked it or not. Two weeks wasted. "Of course they all gladly obliged, your military seems to be very efficient when it comes to cooperating." Except when it comes to changing light bulbs, "So, for a few nights out of the week you'll be staying with me here at the library, where you'll study alongside me, and under my direction. Any questions?" I hate my life. "Um, studying what, exactly?" "The magic of friendship, of course. Anything else?" "Yeah, where am I going to be sleeping?" . . . I lain beside Twilight in her bed for the second time, this time with my underwear on. Twilight insisted I sleep without pants or a shirt because sleeping in clothes is too 'improper', but sharing a bed isn't apparently. Her blankets were as silky smooth and soft as I remembered. I could a sweet scent drifted from the sleeping pony beside me. I couldn't resist her and moved closer, wrapping my arms around her warm, soft body. My groin was touching her backside lightly, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't at least a little aroused at that point. I felt guilty, and a little bit ashamed that I was basically violating a sleeping horse woman. That guilt only lasted until she pushed her rump against my crotch, letting her wet marehood soak through my boxer briefs, and running her hoof between her hind legs to gently rub- you get the picture. Twilight scoffed slightly and left me with one statement before resuming her rest (still pressed against a horny human): "Pfft, not into mares..." If there was anything I learned from this it would be to never have sex with a horse... well, I guess just not one that wants a relationship... it also could've been don't get drunk and go home with a sexy unicorn... maybe just don't join the Army.
