I am Vaati, you are f**ked.

I honestly never thought that my life would have changed like this, much less to wake up in a motherfucking street made out of crystal or something, how did it not break again?

Hearing steps closing in on me I jumped up and landed after I did a summersault and holding my arms in the air saying ‘ta-daaa!’

Surprisingly they were humanoid-like shiny ponies who looked at me as dumbfounded as I was looking at them. Looking at the reflective floor I gasped at my reflection. Light purple skin and eyes, violet robes and cap with a red jewel that strangely looks like the cap given to me by my folks on my birthday earlier.

If I’m correct, I’ve become Vaati from Zelda Minish Cap and I have somehow ended in this weird crystal place. Which if my assumptions are correct…

With a bright flash a piece of recently made toast appears on my hand, I happily munch it down while the resident ponies still looked at me weird and some gasped when I made the toast appears.

“Okay, take me with your leaders.” I ordered as soon as I finished my toast, I had to get the information somehow. I could wish it with my super awesome magic hat, but that wouldn't be as fun.

“Step away from the Crystal Heart fiend!” Suddenly a shit ton of guards came out of the crowd and pointed their spears at me. But I could care less about that.

“The Crystal what now?” I eloquently asked him.

“The Crystal Heart! It is the only thing that-”

“Yeah, I don’t give a shit. All I asked was for you to take me to your leaders, so if you would kindly do that good sir.” I pushed away the nearest spear to me and stared at him with the eye that my sexy bishounen hair isn’t covering.

“You’re not getting anywhere near Princess Cadence and Prince Shining Armor, either to the Crystal Heart!” Now he and his fellows were poking at me with their spears.

Okay, fuck this. Using my magic I teleport into the throne room in a puff of smoke, it was as crystalline as the rest of the city, it came with a crystal throne included. Kinda neat, but not my style.

On the throne I saw two people that I assumed that are the prince and princess, they seemed to be discussing something until they noticed me and gasped.

“Oh don’t mind me, I just came for a visit and a little information,” I said as I started to walk towards them, both scowling at me “What? Is this how the welcome committee works around here? With spears, ugly looks and threats? I just came in like a minute or two, I didn’t do anything and this is how am I recieved?” Funny thing is, I wasn’t joking or anything on that. I genuinely felt offended by that.

“Well maybe if you weren’t so shady with that dark aura emanating from you, the guards might haven’t done that and we might not be so, shall we say, disrespectful to you creature.” The white one with blue mane that I assumed was Shining Armor responded to me.

“Look, all I wanted was some questions to be answered, but now you pulled the motherfucking racist card on me.” Both of them winced at my vocabulary as I halted to a stop in front of Cadence “By the way, reading your mind now.” I laid my hand on Cadence’s forehead before Shining could do anything and absorbed all the knowledge she had in no time and retreating my pale hand away “Hehe, that thing fucked up your wedding.”

“Wait, did you just read my mind?” Cadence asked with wide eyes.

“Again, racist card.”

“But how did you-”

“Muffin button.” I don’t know what made me say that, but I sure as hell ain’t gonna tell them about my awesome birthday cap.

“Don’t you ever touch my wif-” I touched his forehead to read his mind as well, just in case.

“Twily? That’s possibly the dumbest nickname I’ve ever heard, also you’re a stupid prick for abandoning your sister.” I turned away from them and made way for the exit, that was until I felt a strong kick on my neck.

“You barge in here, accuse us of racists, insulted my wife and little sister. I’m not gonna stand by and let you do as you want.” He tried to strike a punch at me, this time I catch it firmly in my hand and turn my head and glare at him.

“You shouldn’t have motherfucking done that.” I spin him around and release my grasp so that he goes flying back, lucky for both of them he didn’t landed on her “Don’t make me kill any of you, or else Twily would be sad.” Yeah, that had pissed me off greatly, but in hindsight I did kinda deserve it.

“Oh the fuck am I saying?!” I continued as I slapped myself on the forehead “I can bring you back from the dead if I do, so there’s no motherfucking harm in that.” That definitely struck home, the look of terror on their faces brought about the realization of how strong I can actually be was very delightful, it’s good to be the villain.

“We… we stand no chance, not even-”

“Not even with the motherfucking Crystal Heart.” I cut off Cadence before I chuckle “And I know what you think you can do, you’re planning on letting Princess Celestia know of me. I’m not gonna let you ruin the surprise.” I start to conjure a ball of red energy with small tendrils on my hand.

“You see,” I continued as the energy kept charging “I’m just getting started, King Sombra will be nothing more than a pussy and Discord more of an incompetent manchild that he already is compared to me.” The energy was now emitting an ultrasonic sound and the tendrils were growing stronger, truth is that I could unleash it at the first second without charging it, but I like to fuck with these ponies as you can see.

Finally with a raise of my hand I unleash the energy with a commanding booming voice, Shining tried to teleport and I could feel Cadence trying to draw power from the Crystal Heart to try to save the empire from the incoming catastrophe, but it was too late.

“Red Miles!”

The energy exploded, covering myself with an indestructible barrier while I was at it, the explosion engulfed the castle along with the Crystal Heart while the tendrils took care of killing the rest of the residents of the Crystal Empire while destroying some buildings on it’s way too.

I teleported to a safe distance away from it, watching as the Red Miles destroyed the empire and leaving only a trail of fire and destruction. With a snap of my fingers black clouds gathered above the ruins of what was left of the crystalline kingdom, declaring it by his own hand a literally cursed ruin.

I chuckled before snapping my fingers again, a white orb with Shining’s cutie mark and a pink one with Cadence’s appeared before me. My chuckle gets louder, I might had come off as a psychotic asshole there, but I don’t care.

I am now aware that I’m ripping off Discord and that I’m being a, what was the word? A villain sue? Well yeah, but I’m having a blast being one, being a hero is for pussies. So I don’t care what you think, I’m gonna exploit my birthday cap’s powers and I will take my sweet time fucking around with this ponies.

Anywho, I save the souls of the prince and princess away for later as my chuckle goes into full on evil laughter, you can’t be a villain without an evil laugh to match. I create large black wings for myself and I fly off for my next destination, laughing all the way like a maniac.

“HAPPY MOTHERFUCKING BIRTHDAY TO ME! AHAHAHAHAHAHA!”

Author's Note

First LOHAV story, you can downvote it for all you want, I'll still continue it. Vaati is a villain sue anyways if used correctly and all of this is for some twisted way of villainy fun.

Feedback is greatly appreciated.