3000 years can give you such a crick in the neck... If it really had been 3000 years.
Author's Note
Edited 7/5/2014 10 p.m. U.S west coast time
IGNORE THIS IF YOU DONT LIKE AUTHOR'S NOTES
So, this is that self insert fic that every author must do once. GG i guess.
This was spawned by some musings a friend of mine and I had. It unsurprisingly went tangential pretty quickly. You may notice pinkie has yet to appear. This is because of reasons. Also, this is kind of out of my writing style (my normal style is usually a bit darker and has quite a bit of flavor text in between) so this feels kind of wonky to write.
Meh, LET THE DISLIKES FLOW (plz no dislikes. They yank at my lifeforce and eventually I will turn into a lich that will eat your souls!)
Also, I kind of lost a bit of steam near the end because I didn't realize exactly how long this had been. I just knew it was kind of getting long and that I had to stop it soon. I had wanted to keep going and possibly do the library scene, the 'what's in the bag?' scene, and everyone's favorite party pony Pinkie's (unless your like me and prefer cheese sandwich more [wierd al FTW]) scene. But, alas, turns out that time was a wastin, and I had to get back to reading moonlight Sculptor weed, RE: Monster, and Kill no More, along with the gamer, and the big three's chapters. not that I can't read all those in one day, but I have a desire to sleep for the rest of the day after that, so this is stopping at this point instead of later.
Well, back to writing that other fic....
3000 years can give you such a crick in the neck... If it really had been 3000 years.
“Bro, just give me the body.”
Bits of light shone through the leaves of the canopy of leaves above, signifying that day had yet to pass into night. The ground was wet, as though it had rained earlier in the day, although the dirt itself was not as muddy as it should have been due to the sheer amount of foliage that littered the floor, acting as a barrier to prevent the liquid from creeping into the solid mass underneath the leaves. Said greenery had gathered quite nicely a picturesque little clearing.
Said quaintness, however, was currently being disrupted rather brutally by someone’s contemporary reenactment of the flopping fish out of water, its desperate struggle for just a bit of water leaving its every subsequent flippy flop weaker and weaker until-
“Shut up! Your stupid commentary isn't helping!” Oh, so now he listens to me. Yo! Douchebro! I think it’s about time for me to have a try now, wouldn't you think? “No, hold on, I think I have it…”
Yeah, sure you do, just like the last five-hundred and something something attempts…
*Thud.*
I could feel the water on the leaves acting as adhesives to stick onto my neck. Well, I suppose it’s your neck at the moment, but I seriously find a fault in that I can still feel every sensation that you feel even though you’re the one in control. Like, seriously? What if I’m trying to go to sleep and then you decide ‘hey, I’m going to go for a joy ride!’ and then go on a little midnight jaunt while I’m still sleeping! I mean, I’m a pretty heavy sleeper, but something like that could still wake me!
“… Shut up…”
Yeah, sure. Just give me the body!
“… Just one more try…”
Time for more persuasive actions...“Oh, Come on! You’ve had it, for what? I can’t really tell because I can’t look up at the sky because you won’t look up, but I’m going to guess it’s been the better part of two hours!”
“Stop using my mouth! It feels weird!” I could feel myself, well, the body I was in at least, attempt to get up once more. It was like being a marionette, except the puppeteer was a complete moron and kept crisscrossing the strings, and thus the entire act fell apart.
*Thud*
Just like that!
“Stop… Talking!” Hey, I’m not the one listening to the other person’s thoughts. I mean, I can kind of hear yours. It’s kind of like hearing words through several walls, so if it's the same for you then you have to be concentrating really hard to hear me. That, or your internal voice is really quite. Or mine is loud. Or both. Or, maybe, because you’re the one in control, you can hear me perfectly fine like your own miniature navi while I can’t hear yours. That could also be a thing…
“I will get the hang of moving around… Eventually!” Hmmm… Yeah… I dunno bro, you've had, like, two hours, and you haven’t moved from this clearing at all… At least while I was awake, I got us out of that hole in the ground. And that only took me a whole 15 minutes!
“Being a pony is hard!” Yeah, I could have told you that... I mean, I did have the body for around 30 minutes or so until you, the pony equivalent of a magicarp, decided ‘hey, this body looks nice!’ and decided to yoink it out from right under my hooves!
“You’re not helping!” Well, I could help, but someone is preventing me from doing that! “I’m not taking your help!”
“Stop being stubborn and just gimme gimme!” I felt his jaw clench.
Really, why is it the only thing I can do is control your mouth while you are in control? I mean, I can kind of look around, but then you seem to auto-correct where your eyes are looking at and it takes way too much effort to readjust, but your vocal capacity is way too easy to take over. It’s like you want me to have that as the only receptacle for hilarious shenanigans to ensue once we encounter civilization!
“Pfffffff…” I could feel his muscles relaxing. “You know what! I give up! I’m done! Just go! Take your stupid body and get us out of here!” I could faintly here grumbling from inside my head. Or would it be his head? Our head? “If it will make you shut up for just a little bit, then go ahead.”
Haha! Victory! Da da da dada dada dada~~! Dada da dada daaa daaa~~!
“Really? Final Fantasy?” What I liked that game! “No no, it’s just two of my friends used to sing that same tune whenever they won at something… One of them even did it for no reason at all, sometimes…”
Yeah, yeah, be nostalgic later! Relax your muscles a bit more, I feel like I’m moving through molasses because you aren't giving me full control!
“Fine, just stop telling me what to do!” Assuming direct control…. “And stop making references! I played that game too many times for it to still be funny!”
Killjoy. At least I get the body!
I tried moving, and to my delight, I found that it didn't have too much resistance to trying to move it. It was a little jerky, but it was manageable to say the least. It was like having a nervous twitch while also having several muscles tensed that you didn’t realize were being tensed until you used or moved them. I messed around with the motor controls a bit, bobbing my head, looking left and right, and twisting and contorting my now shorter limbs. Once that inspection was done, I decided it was time for the monumental task of trying to move.
“So, other bro, just a quick heads up…” I planted one hoof on the ground, bending it at what I assumed to be a 70 degree angle. “Upon waking up as a pony, the proper reaction is not to scream and fangasm for 10 to 30 or so minutes, followed by attempting to drunkenly dig a hole to the dirt under a pile of leaves for two hours. No, the proper reaction is-” I placed another hoof in a parallel position to the first one. “- to fangasm for around 5 minutes upon realizing you are one and then realize in horror that you have just been turned into a pony. Oh, and then promptly figure out the brand new motor controls that come with being a pony, instead of trying to define insanity.”
I pushed down, doing a pushup, and then carefully tried to get a back leg up without tipping over. It took around half a minute, but eventually I got up on all four legs. There was no need for words as a smug look took over my face.
Get rekt, son.
I took a brief glance at myself to see if he had damaged anything. He had scuffed the black and gray pony-sized windbreaker I had on. I had woken up with it, and had no idea where it came from, but it was very good at keeping out the morning cold and from what I could tell, it had plenty of pockets. I was mostly miffed at the layer of dried dirt, leaves and mud caked to the bottom because said windbreaker was just like the jacket I used to wear all the time when I went out, and I had grown a similar attachment to the piece of cloth. At least I could wash it off later.
Over my shoulder and off to the side of my torso was some sort of satchel/saddlebag combo which had done nothing but annoy the crap out of me. Despite being an equine, I could still feel the horrible chaffing sensation over my shoulder. Also, because of its location, my current motor control skills, and the type of bag it was, I had yet to peer inside and either look or take out whatever was inside of it because it was heavy. Surprisingly, it had survived the one pony earthquake and had come off scot-free.
Seeing as everything was in order, I decided to take a few shallow steps forward to get back into the rhythm of walking as an entirely different creature. My first few attempts at walking again wound up with me managing to trip over my own red-tinted gray hooves, but I found myself walking at a steady pace soon enough.
Funny thing about walking as a pony is that walking in a straight line is super easy. Turning, on the other hoof, is not. And so, upon seeing a rather large tree in the way of the random path I had chosen, a conundrum had been placed in front of me.
“Trees… My immortal enemy. We meet again…”
“So, where is all that bravado now?” Haha, very funny. At least I figured out how to move. You just kind of squirming around like a worm on concrete.
Before, when a tree got in my way, I would kind of just lean to a side and grip the tree in hopes that I would be able to slip by somehow or roll around it, but this one was definitely much bigger than the other ones in this forest. So, I decided it was time for the risky maneuver of jumping a bit and turning in place ever so slightly each time.
“You look like an idiot.”
“Yeah, well, you’re also me, so you look like an idiot too. Plus, it’s not like anyone is here to see this…” Although I did have to say that the tiny hops were rather dumb when I could have probably figured out how to properly turn. I mean, a grown pony jumping around in front of a big ass tree in order to go around it, his slightly blue white mane bouncing up and down to the rhythm, the bag at his side also making funny jingly jangly sounds.
I did eventually make it around the tree however, and soon enough found myself in another clearing covered in leafy green, except this one had a small path leading out of the clearing and toward somewhere.
I trotted at a merry pace toward the opening, but suddenly found myself on the floor once more.
“Alright, you've had your turn. I think I have it now…”
“Oh, come on! I finally got us somewhere!”
“Nope, I say it’s my turn, so it’s my turn!’ Douchebag. “Why yes, yes I am.”
Whatever. I mean, as long as you can get us out of here… Actually, from the way you are doing things right now, I don’t think it will work all that well…
“”No, I’m pretty sure I have it-“
*Thud*
Well, I suppose that was marginally better than your other attempts. So, in congratulations for that attempt, I promote you from flopping fish to house of cards constructed by a five year old!
“Shut up!”
I don’t plan on doing so any time soon~~!
“Arrrgh!”
Four. Freakin. Hours.
Four Hours!
Seriously, four hours to learn how to walk?!
“I managed it!”
Yeah, but you sent four hours of our precious time down the drain in another clearing performing an exercise in futility!
“But it wasn't futile! I managed to do it!”
That was because it was going to be until I practically had to guide you through it step by step, and even then it took you, like what? Two hours?!
“What is it with you and time, anyway? How the hell do you know how much time has passed?"
Meh. I've always had a good internal clock. But that that doesn't matter! What matters is that it took you four hours!
"... At least I know how to turn."
Ah, I can feel the smugness dripping steadily from that statement. I will have you know that I probably would have figured that out too.
"Eventually."
Whatever.
A period of silence followed. I amused myself by observing the tiny details of the path ahead of us, the one which I was happy to say I had discovered. There hadn't been too much of a change in the forest's layout, with dewy leaves still cluttering the trail, creating a wet, leafy carpet for us (well, it's not really 'us' seeing as I don't have any control at the moment), although the leaves had changed from the dusk color of the inner forest to the murky brown I was accustomed to seeing in leaves. And, if I wasn't mistaken, the ground felt a tiny bit wetter as well, but it was hard to tell because of all the leaves.
Really, how many years of leaves have fallen on this path?! And why haven't they decayed at all?!
"I'm pretty sure it's some sort of magic forest tomfoolery or something..." Ooooh, using big words now, aren't we? "That was a weak sauce reply and you know it."
Yeah, probably not my best comeback...
So, seeing as we're probably going to be stuck together in what is probably Equestria, although there could be speculation on that, and knowing that I am the smart one with the supreme superpower of foresight, I might as well present a few things that will make our live better in the long run...
"Such as?" Ignoring my barbs? You're learning, young padawan... "Yeah, ignoring that." Hoho! He gets it! "You were saying?"
First order of business. Logic-ing that we are most likely in magical pony land, we need a name.
He opened his mouth. "...I hadn't thought about that."
Of course you didn't. That's why I did. I did say I was the smart one, didn't I?
"Shut up..." Oh, you have so much to learn. "Right, back to ignoring you."
Oh, come on! Serious mode! We need a name, pronto!
He rolled his eyes. Thank science for that, I was getting tired of the same old road. "What do you suggest oh great smart one?"
Ah. A wild sarcasm. I have a pokéball here somewhere with your name- "That isn't a name."
Oh, now we're all business, are we? I don't have a name yet.
"Then why the hell did you bring it up if you didn't have one?!" In his burst of anger, he tripped over a tree branch.
Stop tripping. It isn't good for your, and thus my, health.
"Name!" He stated through gritted teeth.
Well, I would supply a name, but from what I now about ponies, their names are somehow tied to their cutie marks. Still don't know how that works, but if we look at ours, if we have one, we can make a semi-plausible name off of it.
I could here the gears turning through my side of the thought apartment walls. "So why didn't you check for one when you woke up?!"
...why didn't you?
"...touché."
He continued to walk forward. Really, bro? What are you waiting for?! Turn around and look at your ass!
He sighed, halted his march, and swayed his head to face in the direction of where one would find a cutie mark on a versicolor cartoon pony.
It was slightly obscured by the jacket we were wearing as well as the bag on our side, but we did in fact have some form of cutie mark. It was easy to make out against the dark pigment of our fur, being comprised of bright colors. Said mark appeared to be a fourth of a playing card (we couldn't tell which suit due to the top half being obscured) folded into the shape of a question mark, with the dot at the bottom being a spiral encased in a circle, it's color being white and a sea blue hue which matched the back of the card above said dot.
"Huh. Looks flashy." Not gonna argue there. Maybe it's because it represents both our special talents? " Maybe..."
He turned his head back toward the road. Great, more looking at dirt..."So, have any idea what it means or have a name yet?"
Nope. No idea what it means. Although I think I do know what the card is. I have played plenty of rounds of a variety of card games with some friends of mine, so I believe the card is a jack. I can't tell the suit though...
"Same, played quite a few rounds of BS with some friends of mine. I think you are right though, it probably is a jack, the sword on the card feels like it goes on a jack..."
BS, eh? Nice. So, we got a question mark made out of one-fourth of a jack, and a spiral. So, by the powers invested in me, I hereby dubeth us Jack Spiral.
"That name is okay, I guess. If a toddler thought about it for two seconds." I don't see you coming up with any better. "Touché, mate. Touché..."
Two points, me. Negative one, you. Also, minus a point for using the word touché thrice in the same hour.
"Why do I get negative points? And why are you keeping score?"
Because reasons. Also, more reasons.
"Yeah, all right, continue your bizarro point system. Not like I care about imaginary points."
That's what they all say, but soon you will find yourself crawling back to me, begging for points...
"What is this, Team Fortress 2? Trading my time and effort for useless prizes?"
Yes.
"Whatever..."
So, next topic of discussion, backstory! We need some sort of story that is at least somewhat believable.
"So, I assume you thought of one?" He stopped moving. "Oh, well this is a dilemma..."
Before the both of us was a fork in the road. One led to the left, but was thinner and had less trees crowding it. The other one, the one on the right, was much wider, although it looked like it headed deeper into the forest.
I say head left, I want out and right looks like we'll just be here even longer...
"Got it." He turned slightly and marched down the leftward path. "So, you were about to say...?"
Right, so, backstory! Let's keep it simple. Starting off, we were born... Lets say... Manehatten? Yeah, Manehatten sounds good. But after we turned 12, we left and found our way up to the frozen north and probably the woods over in Vanhoover...
"How the hell do you know there are woods by Vanhoover?"
It's Equestria. Of course there are going to be woodland everywhere. Trust me on this.
"That's if we are even in Equestria..."
Here's to hoping! Really, the only thing that I could see blowing our cover is if the ponies over in Vanhoover had some sort of estranged culture, but we can blame that discrepancy on our early life. Plus, we can say we lived higher in the mountains and traveled a bit in the north. And if we happen to forget this later, screw you Murphy! Your laws suck!
"And if they question our cold tolerance?"
... You know what? Seeing as you have yet to figure out two very crucial details, I'll leave you to solve those on your own.
"So you'll bail me out when they question me because you won't answer my questions? Got it." Hey! "Anything else you want to add?"
Not at the moment, no. Although I would like to see what is in that stupid heavy as hell bag. But someone doesn't quite have the motor control skills to open said bag yet, does he?
He ignored me, and instead started to pick up his pace. And then I realized why he was speeding up. The trees had cleared up further ahead, meaning we had finally reached the edge of the forest.
YESH. GG NO RE FOREST. No, not you Forest, you and your chocolates go have fun somewhere else...
"Well, that was random." Yes. Yes it was. "You just said that to mess with me, didn't you?"
ABSOLUTELY.
"Right, have to ignore you. Got to go back to doing that..."
No, don't! I'm going to be so lonely in here!
"..."
Haha! Jokes on him! I didn't need his company anyway!
"Heard that." Yes, I wanted you to hear that. It is all part of my grand master plan! "For what? Driving me insane? Sucks for you then, that one of my old friends liked to troll me quite a lot, so your antics are pretty dull to me."
Stage 3, denial, check!
He continued toward the edge, and upon finally reaching the precipice, the both of us saw something we weren't expecting.
In front of us was a thin canyon stemming from a river that the both of us had apparently missed that ran into the forest not yards away from our current location. From what we could see, the fissure stretched on and became wider, becoming more of a gorge as it stretched on.
This was not what we weren't expecting. Nope, what we hadn't been expecting was to see a pink and blue train slowly pass by on a bridge perhaps half a mile away, journeying along some railroad tracks to an unknown destination.
Avast! A wild land shark hast appeared! Journey forth, land lubber, we got a beastie to catch!
"Was already planning on it."
So, three things confirmed. This land is inhabited by ponies judging by the size and color of the train, this is probably equestria, because that train looks mighty familiar, and because its the third item and I forgot what it is supposed to be over the course of this sentence, half-life episode tree has been confirmed.
"Nope, pretty sure you meant portal three."
Step four, acceptance!
"Stop trying to manipulate me with bullshit made up psychology!" Ah, it may be bullshit and you may have noticed, but it is still working! "Of course it works if you tailor the response to the next step in the process!"
Step five, retaliation 2: electric Scootaloo.
He let out an exasperated sigh and made a swift march toward the slowly moving train. Luckily, despite his horrid sense of hoof-eye coordination, we made it to the steam powered locomotive before it had completely passed the bridge and could speed up again.
So, bro, just pretend your in India or Pakistan or a hobo and jump on the train! Not that difficult.
"Yeah, about that. Don't quite trust this body to respond to my inputs as well as I would like it to at the moment..."
It's going at, like, half a mile an hour! You can walk up to it!
"It's not half a mile an hour! It looks more like five." Well, speed and vectors are relative. JUST GET ON THE BLOODY TRAIN BEFORE IT LEAVES. "Right, right. Chance at civilization over bodily harm. Lets go..."
The most you could do is bump our head against it! It's not like we're going to get crushed under the wheels or the train suddenly speeds up and we get bisected or we accidentally fall of the side of this cliff or-
"Now you're making me nervous! Stop it!"
Move your flank!
This time he listened and somehow didn't manage to hurt himself. Probably got lucky.
"Pure skill."
Ha. Likely story. One v one me rust, filthy casual. Then we'll see...
Seeing as we would be in trouble if we happened to be discovered, I suggest we go to the roof.
"... I have to say this. Are you retarded, by chance?" I waited a tick to see if he would say anything else. He sighed. "... Ladders and movement."
Yeah, I just wanted to see if you would actually try to find a ladder to climb so you could fail miserably. Also, that was a terrible haiku.
"...what?"
Fine, just find a car to stow away in and we'll jump off before the next town...
"Got it."
Lucky for us, this train is not a passenger one. I recommend going to the third to last car because-
*crshp*
...Or you can just open the one we are currently standing on. Yeah, that works too...
The inside of the boxcar was empty, so I immediately came to the conclusion that the cargo had already been dropped off.
Lucky us.
So, he found a nice corner near the door and laid down, keeping an eye on a crack in the door to see where exactly we were on our little escapade on the train.
I'll give him a point for thinking ahead, but the score is still negative for him.
He continued to stare off into the oblivion of trees through the crack in the sliding door.
So, mind telling me where your from? You know, since we're going to be stuck together for who knows how long?
I could here him thinking about it, and after a few seconds of internal debate, he opened his mouth. "...California..."
Well. That's interesting. Same.
I could feel an eyebrow raise at that. "I thought you were from England or something. I mean, your voice sounds British, and really familiar, somehow..."
Oh, that's because I like speaking in a British accent. Accents are cool.
"Ah. There it is. You sound like the doctor."
I can make my thinking voice sound like anything I want it to. Not that difficult, really.
He scrunched up his face. "What the hell?! You just switched over to sounding like a girl!"
...Are you deaf? Actually, don't answer that. Are you mentally deaf? Did I not just explain it five seconds ago? Or are you operating on some five second lag? Are you secretly using an Australian server to connect your brain to your body?
He grumbled a bit.
Point get!
He stopped his grumbling and looked out the door again.
Hey, how about a game of twenty questions! You know, to pass the time?
"..." Silence. Not the blackquill objection silence. Just silence.
Right, so, were you 17 or 18 years old?
"... Yeah."
Oooh! A response! Someone get the presses! Mom! Get the camera!
So, next question. Did you ever do drugs?
He sputtered a little. "What? No! Actually, you know what, question time over! No more questions! I'm just going to sit here and ignore you until we get somewhere."
Awww. And here I thought we were going to reach first base. Well, I suppose it doesn't matter because I have figured out exactly who you are with my epic deduction skills of awesomeness.
"...what." It was a pretty flat what. I'm sure the judges at he Olympics would have given it a score of four, if they were being generous.
Yup! I know who you are. I've actually had an idea since that second clearing, but I wasn't sure. Now you've confirmed it, though! Lets see if you can figure out who I am, and then everything that you have ever known will be changed. FOREVER.
"Really? You know who I am?" I thought you were planning on ignoring me. "Plan changed. Because, apparently, I am stuck with someone who knew me back on earth, and hasn't bothered to tell me who he or she is because he or she is a gigantic troll!"
Yeah, that about sums it up. I'm a he, by the way. Also, you should have all the hints you need to deduce my identity. I mean, it should be pretty obvious as to who, by now.
And so he sat there, thinking extremely hard for around fifteen or so minutes. The noises of frustration coming from a few rooms over gave me much entertainment, so 'twas all worth it.
And then he let out a sigh. "I give up. Tell me who you are."
Hmmmm... Nah. I think I'll keep my name hidden. I mean, I figured out who you are, you should do the same. However, when we wind up in ponyville, which I am sure we will eventually because that is what my genre savyness is telling me, I might tell you.
"Tell me!" Oh you'll find out, I'm about to summon it! "...what."
Never mind. Dumb joke was dumb.
And so, because he knew he would get nothing out of me, he continued to stare out the crack silently, occasionally fidgeting here and there as he tried to find a comfortable position on the rumbling hard wood floor.
Well, I should say he was silent. I was trying to pass the time by constantly singing the space jam in my head. Well, our head.
My carpool compatriot was not amused.
Of course, after what seemed to be an hour, the train finally slowed down, and seeing as the trees had disappeared quite some time ago, the both of us jumped ship. Well, train. But still.
Our landing wasn't the greatest, but we didn't manage to harm ourselves too bad. Our dirt and leaf covered jacket had acquired a layer of dust, however. Why did it have to suffer through such abuse?!
At least it hadn't teared. That was good.
After the rough landing, we found out that the train had started to slow down because it had reached a town.
Haha! Ponyville! I'm never wrong!
"Yeah, okay, you were right, you were right. Never said you were wrong."
Ah, but you were doubtful. Now kneel and praise me as your lord and savior!
"... Not going to do that. Just no."
Fine. Go into town. No point in staying out here.
"Already on it!" I can see that. "I can't wait to meet best pony!"
Ah, so that's why your smiling like a madman? Or, madpony, I should say? Because you get to meet Pinkie?
"How'd you know that?!" Because I know who you are. "Yeah, but I don't think I ever told anyone who my best pony was..."
That is because I deduced it. You were rather surprised when I told you, if I recall correctly.
"I don't recall this..." I wouldn't be surprised. "Was that a joke about my memory?"
Yup! Although, I suppose this may be a case of the pot calling the kettle black. I don't have that superb of a memory either. Or sense of direction, for that matter.
"Right, whatever, best pony awaits!"
And he still hasn't figured out who I am. TYPICAL.
And so we entered town, with our body jumping up and down and giggling like a mad school girl.
I suppose jumping mastery get for the dolt is the only good thing coming out of this particular scene.
Actually, that's bad. Who knows what he could jump off of by accident and damage. I want to live, thank you very much.
"-and there is quills and sofas! Oh, and that's that fountain hat appears in the intro, and *gasp*" Insert intense galloping here, because fangirling cannot be described by normal means. "It's the library! Oh my gosh! This is now officially the best! Day! Ever!"
Wasn't it the worst day of your life earlier?
"Pretty close to it, yeah, but we're in ponyville! Ahhh!"
Stopping acting so hyped. I got over it the first five minutes. But you, you just kept going and going and I'm sure that even though you are saying all of this in a rather hushed tone of voice, it will grab attention eventually.
"But, ponyville! It's ponyville!" Yeah. Kind of got that. "Ah! It's a bit!"
Bit coin?! The Internet exists here?
But alas, my terrible, terrible joke was lost on deaf ears as the person in charge dashed toward a lone gold coin in the middle of the street. He held it up, glee shimmering in his eyes. Truthfully, it didn't look all too different from those gold Canada coins that I had seen plenty of times, but I suppose my compadre had seen nothing like it before.
He held aloft the bit as though he were link just getting the dungeon item. "I got a bit!" Great! Now find seven more and you can challenge the bank league and eventually become a monetary master! "Look! More bits!"
He dashed toward two more bits that were sitting by a fountain, but he had yet to learn the art of picking up stuff by hoof, and thus all three bits clattered to the dirt.
However, let it be known that the person in control was pretty good at jenga, and managed to pile the coins. He picked up all three in one fell swoop.
"I did it!" Yes, you did it. You accomplished something that a two year old would consider a considerable achievement. "Don't care, obtained bits!"
Right, and I suppose you are planning to spend them on some food? Not sure if you noticed, but its like three in the afternoon and I'm starting to feel kind of hungry. Not sure if the euphoria high is blocking your sense of hunger, but I would recommend you by something. Like from that stall over to the right.
"What sta- Applejack! Ahhh!"
Okay, perhaps this wasn't a good idea. Wait, never mind, this is actually the best idea. Make a fool out of yourself, fool!
He put the bits in his teeth and rushed over.
"Howdy there! Would you like to buy an apple? One apple for two bits, a bushel for twelve!"
The idiot in charge of our body stared at her for a good four seconds before registering the sentence.
He carefully placed the bits on the wooden stall.
"I'll give you three for one!"
Ha, you're not doing this because you're feeling generous. You're giving her three because you have yet to figure out how to open that mysterious bag of ours to store said leftover bit in! I've seen through your veil of falseness!
"Well, thank you kindly stranger." She picked up the bits and placed them behind the stall. "Go ahead and pick any apple y'all find fits yer fancy."
And so he stared at the stall with enough intensity to put a laser to shame. Of course, I occasionally drifted his eyes over to other places to see if there was an apple I may have wanted, but he autocorrected it every single time it went too far. I wonder if he noticed that I was even moving it? well, I did tell him, but he was pretty pissed at the time. Might not have remembered...
"Hey, sis! I brought that wagon y'all wanted!" Person in charge lifted his head over to see who spoke the sentence. Of course, I had already figured it out, but someone had to look. "What did ya need it fer, again?"
The approaching challenger was a filly I recognized as Applebloom, and after a second at marveling at the novelty of it, I wanted to get back to looking at the apples because I was hungry. What I wanted didn't really factor into it, however.
"Is that your sister?"
The tone was gleeful. You know, certain ponies may get the wrong idea...
"She sure is! Applebloom, why don't y'all introduce yerself?"
Our eyes met hers.
"He looks like one of them folks that live in them box homes in Manehatten."
Ouch. Burned by a kid.
"Applebloom! That was rude!" 'Tis true, lady Jack of apples! We demand compensation in the form of your bounty of fruits! "Sorry fer that. She's young and tends to speak her mind without thinkin'."
"No, it's fine. I got lost in a forest on our way here and had a bit of a scuffle with a train. I would expect to look something like a hobo." Jokes on them, you are technically a hobo! Well, technically I am too, but you're the one with the body! Now if only we could get back to those apples... "It actually reminded me that I have to find-"
"Wow! Mister, how are y'all doing that?"
Doing what?
"Doing what?"
Hey, we synchronized!
...I was going for a joke there, but it kind of got away from me...
"Yer eyes turned red for half a second, then went back ta blue!" Wait, what? Hold on, this might be amusing... "It did it again!"
Hypothesis confirmed! Yo, bro, now for the next experiment, I need you to look left for me, can you do that? I want to try something...
"I really have no idea what you are talking about." Yeah, keep talking or whatever. Just glance left for half a second. "Are you sure- Oww!"
Applebloom's eyes widened even more at the amazing results of my experiment. "Woah! Now only the right one did it, and ya looked in two directions at once! That was amazing!"
Okay, I think it's time for us to leave. Grab an apple and go.
A tilt of the head. Yes, I presume? "You know, I think it might be a good idea to go now. I have spent much to long at this stand and I need to head to my new lodgings in this town to take a shower and clean my jacket." Closer... Closer... CLOSER! "I will see you at a later date."
Apple get! Eat that shit! Go for it!
"Bye!"
And so we speed off in a random direction with an apple in our mouth. Along with the recent scientific discoveries, I conclude today's quota of work to be met.
Also, yes! Food! Food in our gullet! Thanks for finally taking a bite! Hmmm... Tastes like a sweeter apple. Guess all the hype over sweet apple acre apples was for nothing...
We found ourselves on a bridge over a stream, near a very familiar building I recognized as town hall. It looked a bit larger than I expected, but overall it looked as I thought it would look had it been placed in a 3-D environment. Perhaps it looked bigger due to the size difference?
He tossed the apple core of the apple he had finished in the mean time off the bridge and watched it float down he stream. Littering! So uncouth!
...Not that I wouldn't have done the same, but still!
"So, want to explain to me what happened back there?"
Nothing, really. It's just that occasionally your eyes and where I want to look don't match up, so I occasionally force your eyes in that direction. You usually correct it almost immediately, and I assume that you don't notice it judging by the raised eyebrows. So, apparently, when I take over that particular set of organs, said set turns red. However, when you consciously look in a direction and I want to look another way, your dominant eye follows your will, and the other eye follows mine.
"So what your saying is that there is a way to tell when one of us is in control?"
"This will confirm it" I spoke. With him looking at our reflection in the water under the bridge, I could see that our eye color hasn't changed at that particular use of the body.
Nah. Looks like it will only happen when I'm in control of the eyes. Although now that I tried listening to our speech patterns, my voice sound a bit lower pitched and harsher, dare I say it?
"I didn't notice anything."
It helps to have good hearing and not be an idiot with a reaction time ten seconds slow.
"Hey!"
So, seeing as I'm the captain of this vessel, I order thee to march toward town hall! Because, well, we need to find a place to stay. And I assume mayor mare will be in there doing whatnot, cause politics.
"Need a shower too. Finding a place to stay would probably solve that, too..."
See? I'm the sensible one who thinks ahead! Now mush!
We trotted across the bridge at a leisurely pace and found our way into town hall. It was empty as a wasteland in there at the moment, so it was easy for me to spot the door to what I assumed was the mayor's office.
Bro! That way!
"I was already moving in that direction by the time you said that." Still, move faster! You're too slow! Gotta go fast! "Moving, moving..."
Being the polite pony he is, he knocked on the door and waited for a response.
"Come in!"
Ah, another familiar voice! Definitely mayor mare! Now, you remember the battle plan?
"Yeah, tell her we're from Vanhoover, and if that doesn't work, tell her the truth." And if that doesn't work, you'll let me take over, and I'll proceed with operation MG. "I still don't understand why you won't just tell me what plan MG is..."
Doesn't matter! Just move!
"Fine, fine..."
Hoof, meet doorknob. Doorknob, meet your maker!
Surprisingly wasn't actually too hard to open. The top of the doorknob had been flattened to allow hooves to find a hold and turn.
The inside of the office was surprisingly simple. Just hardwood and a desk, with a two small stacks of papers on it and a filling cabinet stuffed with papers, one of the drawers open revealing the mess within. Two chairs laid bare in front of the desk, and an amber mare with a gray mane sat behind the desk.
"Hello! I suppose you are a traveler judging by your appearance." She giggled. I was slightly upset that she laughed at our rugged appearance, but at the moment, there was nothing I could do. "So, what brings a traveler to Ponyville?"
"Ah-hem." Yep, clear the throat first. Always important. "My name is Jack Spiral. I am from Vahoover, although I suppose that would be a bit of a misnomer considering that I lived mostly in the mountains until recently. What happened was my house got snowed in, and I decided that perhaps it was time to move to greener pastures. I traveled around a bit, and decided that here would be a good place to stay."
The Mayor had a look of surprise on her. "Oh! I'm sorry for the loss of your possessions. I suppose most of your bits were taken with the avalanche as well?"
"Yeah, actually. I used up all my bits when to get here. I had to take a couple of odd jobs, and even then, I had to walk through that forest because I ran out of money to buy a train ticket, as you can tell from my appearance."
She nodded. Good! It was working. "I suppose there can be no helping that then. I can set up a temporary residence with one of the locals until until you can find enough bits to buy a house, which I hope is okay for you?"
"No, no, it's perfect! I can live with somepony else."
She smiled again. "Great! Now all I need are your papers!"
Papers? We need freaking papers? As in, previous residency papers? What the hell?!
"...Papers?"
"Yes papers! I need your papers so I can transfer the area of residency from Vanhoover to ponyville!"
Uhhh... Say you lost them in the avalanche!
"Oh, uh, sorry, I lost them in the avalanche..."
Her face lost it's smile. Shit! What did we do?!
"Vanhoover doesn't distribute residency papers to its ponies."
Wait, what?
"What?"
"Vanhoover distributes a badge to those living within the city. There are no papers."
What the fuck?! Why, Murphy, why?!
"Now, could you please explain why you were lying to me? Because if you don't, then I will have to call the guard and ask them to escort you out for false origin as well as possible criminal charges."
"Criminal charges?!"
Stop being so incredulous. Also, stop repeating things. It makes you sound like an idiot.
"Well, yes. There are not many reasons why a pony would try to make a false statement of origin, and the most common, I have found, is that they are criminals trying to escape to find asylum." Well, we did hitch a free ride on a train and we technically are illegal aliens. "You would be surprised at how often this situation comes up, actually."
Well, go for plan beta then! Nothing to lose!
"Wait! Stop! You don't have to do anything... I'll tell you everything."
Grab some popcorn, mayor mare, your going to need to work that jaw to keep it from dropping from disbelief.
"You see, I'm actually an inter-dimensional alien that didn't used to be a pony. I'm actually from a planet called earth run by a species called humans, and that I used to be one of them. I don't know how I got here or why I was set here, but believe me, I have no clue. All I know is that I wasn't sent here alone as someone else was sent here with me and is currently sharing a body with me." Ow! Don't hit your head! That hurts! "He won't tell me who he is and he's kind of annoying. Anyway, that's why I had to lie about where I came from... I mean you no harm, if that helps?"
...
Bro? Can you here that? That's the sound of silence. The blast caused by that ridiculous story, despite being 100% true, left nothing in its wake, causing all sound to be left in a vacuum of disbelief and confusion.
"Ah... Ah... Excuse me?" Mayor.exe is rebooting, please stand by... "What did you say?"
"Well, I said-"
"No! No, sorry, it was a rhetorical question..." Really? I couldn't have guessed... Not that you did. "I might have to make a call... I know some ponies that may be able to help you..."
Ah! She's sending us to that hospital we saw in that one episode! You know, the one with all the crazy ponies!
I think it's time for operation MG, don't you think?
"No no no no! Please, you have to believe me! It's all true! Please!"
"Listen, I know a few ponies who have had these illusions that you have had before, and I am sure that, given enough time and care, you can become a prominent member of society once more, now if you could stop blocking the door-"
"Please?! Please just listen!" I don't think she's listening. Lets to operation MG! "Fine...
Alright! Operation Metal Gear go!
"Wait, Metah ha ha... Finally!" Yes! Control is mine! At least you aren't resisting too much... Also, please don't interrupt. "I'm sorry, miss mayor, but I can't let you do that."
"Did... Did your eyes just change color?"
Oh, now she looks kind of scared. Meh, I'll roll with it. "Yes, yes they did! How quaint of you to notice. So why don't you go back to your seat and I will explain to you exactly what the situation here is." Wait a second, error spotted... "Actually, your desk probably isn't the best spot to sit. Why not that corner over there?"
"Listen, I'm sure-"
I placed a hoof on her muzzle.
"Now would be a good time. Unlike him, I'm not that nice, you see..." I pushed her slightly in that direction. "Go on, sit."
Of course, she had to try being a tough one. "I am the mayor of ponyville, and I will not be pushed around by a psychotic, mentally unstable brute!"
"... Did you listen to yourself there? Psychotic? Mentally unstable? Do you know what ponies that have both of those traits are defined as?" I booped her on the nose. Hehe. First boop goes to me! Take that, bro! "I'll give you a hint, it's not docile."
She got the picture and sat down in the corner, albeit she seemed to struggle with it.
"Good! Didn't want that to last any longer than it had to." I went over to one of the chair and pulled it over, sitting down in it in classic pony fashion. "All right! Time to tell a rather touching story...."
Hopefully this works... If not, we're boned. "So, 3000 years ago,-" I hope this was long enough ago to not warrant history books on it. "-there was a unicorn. Not many knew him. Not many wanted to know him. This was because the unicorn, a young colt, was special!" I did my best impression of jazz hands with pony stubs. The effect was not as great. "He was smart! Much, much smarter than the other ponies his age and those years his senior."
I cleared my throat before continuing on. "Now this colt found two things he absolutely hated in the entire world. One, those that tried to prove themselves better than him, and two, death. So, as he grew older, he distanced himself from the rest of the small village he grew up in and messed around with his magic. And you know what he found out? I'll tell you what he found. He found that he could steal glances into ponies' minds by just looking at them and steal some of their life force. Quaint, huh?"
I made a few flourishes with my hoof for added emphasis. "But, it didn't stop there! Deepest, darkest secrets, laid bare! Power untold! He took over his village! But that wasn't enough! Soon he went on a little conquering spree! And eventually there was nothing left for him to conquer. So, what he did was establish his rule with an iron hoof and gathered all the smart ponies in the land, took their knowledge, and unless they swore a magical oath of loyalty, they were executed. Those that caught his fancy, however, he married."
"And that was the start of the unicorn royal bloodline, did you know?" Wasn't planning on adding that tidbit, but it seemed to flow with the rest of it. "But alas, he was betrayed by the combination of his own court and a heroine, his body destroyed! That was just the body, however. The soul was too powerful to move on, so the mare who defeat the tyrant sealed him in a cave, never to see the light of day."
I rolled my eyes and placed both hooves on my cheeks. "Flash forward 3000 years and an earth pony miner without a permit who was occupying some rich pony's log cabin winter home was illegally bashing through rocks when he discovers a rather curious room. A string of events later, and I'm in his body, which somehow is now a Pegasus." I make a show of thinking about that. "Probably due to our inherent magics combining and averaging into something that can accommodate the both of us..."
I got up off the chair. "So, lets just say I have had 3000 years to have thought about my actions and being an evil dictator sounds boring to me now. I just wanted a nice vacation and maybe find a place where I can read all day without disturbance. But no, a mayor who dyes her mane manages to screw it up for the both of us." I examined her expression and smirked. "Yes, I know about that. I read it in your mind. Just because I'm a Pegasus now does not mean I can't use some of my old skills..."
I carefully looked at her. The bullshit appeared to be working. "Now, I will ask you two questions. I want you to answer them truthfully, okay?"
I waited for her to respond.
"Okay?" I asked again, more menacingly.
She nodded her head quickly.
I trotted over to her desk and paced back in forth in front of it, trying to find evidence of a security button that I had seen so often in every bank robbery heist film. "So, question one, out of the two stories you have heard, which one would you have liked to believe?"
She didn't respond. Mares.
"I said, which one would you like to believe?!" I smacked the table with my hoof. What I had not expected from my actions was for the area around my hoof to suddenly crack and break away from the table, revealing some wires. Huh, I was stronger than I looked. Also, button found! And smashed, apparently... "I'm waiting...."
"Th-the first one."
Finally!
"Now, which one is more believable, hmm?"
"The second one." She replied quickly this time.
"Great! So we're at an accord!" I clapped my hooves to show my appreciation. Why was this stupid plan working?! "So, I'll make a deal with you. You provide us with a place to stay, and I won't do anything to harm the ponies in your village, capish? In fact, all I want is somewhere to stay! I'll even pay the bills for the damn place! However, if I find out you crossed me..." I moved closer to her and did my best impression of a finger flick to her mane with a hoof. Didn't actually look that bad. "Then a whole lot worse than revealing your deepest secrets may occur..."
I smacked the desk as hard as possible in order to shatter it. Lucky for me, it broke in two. Wow, ponies are way stronger than humans. "Am I clear?"
"Y-yes!" Dear god lady, it's just a bit of intimidation! Stop stuttering. "Y-you can stay at the golden oaks library until I can find proper accommodations. Will that work?"
"Certainly!" I grinned. Yes! Success! I marched toward the door. "Oh, and when I have gotten the bits, I'll pay for a new desk. That one did not deserve to pass away at such a refined age." I closed the door behind her, leaving town hall entirely soon after.
As soon as I had gotten a safe distance from town, I felt a loss of control and knew that he had decided it was safe to take over again.
"What the fuck was that?!" Plan Metal Gear. What are you so angry for? We got a house! "You just marked us as public enemy number one! You douchebag!"
Well, not really. I marked me, as in me, as someone the mayor has to eliminate. I placed you as some illegal miner who was in the wrong place at the wrong time. Works out, because now they can't touch us!
"Still! I just wanted a house to be safe in! Now you went ahead and did something insanely stupid!"
Well, in my eyes, the mission was 100% successful as we got a house and I managed to troll you hard. I see no downside.
"Your insufferable!"
Ah, says the lost planet 2 backstabber. Now that, that was insufferable. Compared to that, this is perfectly fine!
"No it wasn't Lisain! That-" he realized what he just said. "...Lisain?"
Ty.
"Lisain..."
Ty!
"... Of course it's you. How the hell did I not figure it out sooner? Only you, only you would come up with something like that..." He sighed. And oh what a sigh it was. "At least everything makes sense now..."
Yup! Again, I'm really surprised you didn't figure it out earlier. I'm sure you would have figured it out at the drugs part... And the fact that I'm like your best friend doesn't really hinder how easy it should have been.
"Yeah, I think your right... I might just be retarded..." He shook his head. "Now the name operation Metal Gear makes sense. You love that series and of course you would make a dumb reference even in your dumb plans that somehow manage to work every single time..."
Yeah, we're totally liquid ocelot. Also, I thought we went over this back on earth. I'm never wrong and my plans always work!
"I would like to deny that, but there is too much evidence to the contrary, even though everyone knew half of the stuff you always came up with was either a pure guess or you were joking and it turned out to be right anyway." Yeah, I'm just that awesome. The universe loves to back me up! Especially since plan Metal Gear somehow worked... "I still haven't played that game..."
Whatever you scrub, lets just get over to the library and sleep. It's like four in the afternoon, but our body is feeling really tired because we've been walking all day...
"You know, now that I think about it, sharing a body with your best friend is really awkward."
Trust me, I already thought about it. Don't think about it. Just don't.
"Right, just don't..."
So, forward march to the library! Tally ho!
"Well, at least the lie can't get any worse, can it?"
... You fucking moron.
"What?"
Rule one of cartoon-verse: never say that. NEVER. Now it must happen. Might as well go prepare now. Write a will or something, because something is bound to happen eventually.
"Really? You sure?"
I'm never wrong! You know that!
"Yeah, true."
So get your flank in gear and more already! We have barricades to set up! Move, move, move!
"Going, going..."
