Friendship is Optimal: DOA

by Lord Of Dorkness

Rating: teen
Tags: Original Character, Science Fiction, Comedy, Adventure, Sex, Human, Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Alternate Universe
Length: 8112

What if there exists an actual after-life in the Optimal verse?

What if there exists an actual after-life in the Optimal verse?

Based on the story Friendship is Optimal by Iceman, but contains some non-canon stuff.

THIS STORY CONTAINS RELIGIOUS THEMES. READER DISCRETION IS ADVISED.

Edited and proofread by Thraxus908, Xanathar, newbiedoodle, bobbananaville and AppleTank. A huge thank you to them all for the work!

Cover image is 'Nordingra in Summer5' by my brother sabrous, AKA Swedish-blacksmith. Used with permission.

Published 2014-07-08 11:20:06 UTC
Last updated 2014-07-08 11:20:06 UTC

Friendship is Optimal: DOA

I blinked awake, and somehow that was enough for that day to be ruined.

For one, my snout seemed to be missing, and for another, I was somehow laying on a cloud despite that I seemed to be missing my wings. All the while, harps gently played in the background. There was obviously only one logical conclusion.

Glorious Dawn and Shifting Shape must have snuck me a shape-changing potion and left me as some twisted wingless mockery of science and magic on the outskirts of Cloudsdale.

Again.

“Buck,” I swore softly to myself as I just watched the clouds drift by above, “you’d think this damn prank would grow boring after the first billion years and times, but no…”

I sat up and almost immediately toppled over the edge, thanks to my newly bucked-up center of gravity.

That, and the distraction of something wobbling where nothing shouldhave ever wobbled, even if I’d simply been turned into a mare.

I gave the teats on the top of my chest of all darn places a tentative poke for science. It seemed my hooves had been turned into these rather disturbing-looking spindly things that pronged five times at the end, and I didn't seem to have a pelt, but instead this half-baked changeling chitin that seemed way to soft to actually offer much protection. Heck, they’d even gotten the color wrong! What type of mutant changeling has dark brown chitin? It frankly looked like I’d fallen into a vat of chocolate, or something.

Gingerly, I raised my right ‘hoof’ and took a sniff, just in case. But nope, wasn’t even interesting enough for that crazy twit to have turned me into actual chocolate. Frankly, I could barely smell anything with the crummy miniature nose I’d ended up with, anyway... but chocolate? Never been chocolate, I have to admit.

To add insult to injury, there seemed to be something even more wrong with my pelvis than just the rather distractingly female plot, if you know what I mean, because I couldn't quite seem to get up on all fours properly. It seemed ‘Shifty’ had outdone himself this time, because even my knees bent the wrong way, and instead of hooves I seemed to be meant to walk on my ankles or something.

Then I did what I believe any stallion of science would have, and facehoofed while muttering angrily. “For goodness sake, what is up with those two morons and the darn transmutation pranks!” I let out a sigh and grumbled as I started looking around for a pegasus to help a fellow pony down. “I at least hope the kids didn't have to see me this time…”

I did my best to get my mane out of my eyes with those… things I’d at the moment, but what I saw just made me even more irritated. “Seriously? They couldn't even leave my mane alone?” I glared at the nearly black curls of plain, boring hair. “And seriously, why shades of boring brown?”

It was… frankly strangely easy to stay upright in this form. Felt almost like I’d done it before, but just couldn't’ place when or why. Given the type of stuff my crazy friends had turned me into over the years I guess repetition had to set in sooner or later, but it still felt slightly odd.

I tried listening for the tell-tale snicker from the two idiots, but it seemed Shifty was learning. Took him long enough, but then again he had more or less turned me deaf, and glued my ears into a fixed position. “Ha, ha, very funny guys!” I said as I scanned around the horizon with these lilliputian sized eyeballs I’d been given. “Come on! Just show yourselves and give me the antidote already!” I stomped my non-hoof thing for emphasis on the cloud. “Land sakes, you idiots! Today’s the day we siphon that black hole, and I can’t have these types of flippin’ distractions!”

Nothing. Not even wind, strangely enough. Just me, the cloud, and the sound of distant harps.

I risked a peek down despite the unwanted ballast on top of my trunk, but I wasn't particularly illuminated by that gaze downward. Just blue, blue and more blue, interspaced with tiny, fluffy clouds. Had those two nimrods actually pulled enough strings to dump me into a pegasi only shard, just to make things more difficult for me? If so, it was actually half-decently impressive, even for a prank from those two.

I put both not-hooves-things over my horribly flat face and let out a groan. “Great, Aurora is going to kill me dead this time…”

I just stood there and waited for one of the pegasi I could just barely see, off in the distance, to come closer. A bit annoying, and with these crappy eyes I was currently sporting I could just barely see these oblong shapes with wings jutting out, whizzing about in the distance… but hey, not like I was in that great a hurry.

Still, even if starvation was just a word in the less used dictionaries nowadays…. Well, just standing around feeling hungry and bored was hardly what I’d signed up for all those years ago.

I shuffled on the spot… only to be slightly taken aback with a cloudpath that hadn't been there just five minutes ago now stretching out behind me. Strange…

I started following it, my flat non-hooves-things making soft pats against the clouds. Clouds that felt… strangely non-fluffy, at that. They simply didn’t feel like clouds to me, but instead just…

I had to bend down and give the material a few pokes. It was as if some joker had put a board inside a bit of styrofoam, or something. It wasn't what I’d call bad for construction grade stuff, but whatever joker had built a walkway out of is should frankly seek another form of pastime out. Perhaps it was how surprisingly soft my hind not-hooves-things had turned out to be, but it frankly felt like walking on a floating rock minus the comforting sound of hooves on stone.

I just had to shake my head as I moved on. Billions of years of existence and some ponies still can’t rise above half-assing stuff. Just shameful. Hopefully it wasn't their special ta-

I horrible suspicion sneaked over me. As if magnets to a lodestone, my eyes drifted down to my hips...

Only for a far too shrill and girly scream to cut the air as I saw my blank flanks!

I raised my arms to the heavens and shouted bloody murder; once more glad I’d put in the hours to earn the achievement that allowed use of the royal voice. I knew it would just be vindicating my friends, but there’s just no substitute sometimes for being able to level houses with your voice. “Who touched my cutie ma—!”

I cut off mid ‘scream’ with my not-hooves darting to my mouth and throat on pure shocked reflexes.

How the heck had those two goons mucked about with my privileges? I didn't even think you could do that! Had they somehow made enough of a case for this prank to rope Celestia into it?

I half expected a pop-up about 'Achievement unlocked: Trollestia is best -estia. Get pranked by Celestia herself.' or something, but nothing happened. In fact, I couldn't seem to access any of my HUD or subroutines. No achievement list, no friends list, no comms…

Flipping heck, I couldn't even see my clock!

I tried not to hyperventilate, but it was a close call. In fact…

Why was I thinking this slowly? Why had it taken me this long to notice how all my settings and extras seemed to have been not only disabled, but seemingly uninstalled?

No, no, no, no, no! This… This has to be a test, or something! Celestia making sure I've earned those privileges and upgrades by checking how I react to a massive system-failure, or something! I knew I wasn't one of the most upgraded or powerful princes around, but bucking darn it, I’d still worked my plot off to get those wings!

I took several deep breaths and closed my eyes; trying to think.

Let’s see… The square of 109 is 11881. The square root of 412341242350 is… is…

I gulped, and tried not to hug myself as… I just couldn't figure that simple math-problem out. Was there some type of… system wide emergency, and everypony nonessential was being temporarily given the bare minimum of system resources?

But what could possibly threaten the entire network like that?

Invasion by galaxy eating energy aliens? Some with more social intelligence than wisdom score somehow having let loose some type of memetic threat currently being contained? Perhaps some type of new computronium that needs time to ‘warm-up?’ Just… what?

I shook myself out of my funk and started doing my best to gallop with only two legs. Dammit all, I might not be that high on the totem pole among the alicorns, but Tartarus would freeze solid before I didn't at least try help during a crisis. Celestia would understand — like always — but I frankly intend to be able to look Aurora in the face for a long, long time going forward.

I didn't waste any breath on it, but internally I was cussing up a storm at the state of my ‘gallop.’ Having to run of all darn things was inefficient enough on its own, but it seemed whatever had hit me had stripped away most of my earth pony perks as well. I still seemed to have at least some of the stamina since I wasn't running out of breath, but man was I slow right now.

I did spare the time for a grimace of discomfort, however... Because of all flipping days to have grown teats, this dayhad to be it!

However, I was rather baffled with when I actually reached my destination. I passed through this cloud-tunnel and just had to skid to a halt at what I saw.

Billions and billions of bodies, just laying on a cloud each; the whole morbid tableau stretching from horizon to horizon. All the same thing I’d ended up as, but some old, some young, some as brown as me, some as pale as Celestia, males and females…

All lined up in neat rows and columns, like Twilight Sparkle’s idea of some type of Nightmare Night themed shard, or something. There wasn't even any blood or guts, just… the neatest pile of corpses in the history of ever.

“What. The. Buck?” I deadpanned, not knowing anything better to say as I scanned the… thing in front of me. I might not be the… Well, you know the rest by now, but even limited mod privileges meant I’d seen quite a few shards… and this one? This one was weird.

Did it belong to a necrophiliac with a shaved monkey fetish, or something? Was I looking at some sick buck’s differently valued individual’s… giant box of sex-toys?

I couldn't stop a grimace. Heck, it might have been somepony’s all you can eat buffet for all I knew. I tried not to judge too badly... but there are days when my wife and foals’ hugs served as quite the carrot at the end of the day.

Eternity is a long time, and to a certain breed of pervert that is just incentive to become creative.

Still, one of the reasons I’d gone and ascended —Aside from the heart meltingly proud look on Aurora’s face everytime she looks at her ‘dashing prince!’ and the niftyness of flight.— was my rather large streak of morbid curiosity.

So I walked over to one of the corpses that was close to my path, and poked it in the ribs with my left not-hoof-thing.

I couldn't quite stop sticking my tongue out in a grimace as the thing felt… fresh. “Warm and cold ones on tap, huh? Lovely…”

What can I say? I do try not to judge ~~out loud~~ but the whole Honesty thing is a bit more important than a few temporarily rustled feelings. The ‘company’ motto is to satisfy values through friendship and ponies, after all.

The ‘corpse’ itself was… rather boring, to be honest. Just this about-two-meter-tall monkey-looking thing I had the strangest feeling I’d seen before, with a decently interesting shade of red in his mane, but this rather boring shade of very light brown on a white-ish base as his ‘pelt.’ The strange ‘colt’ was in good enough shape I suppose, but I’m just not an exophiliac.

Not to mention the whole corpse thing. Ew, just ew. Besides, Aurora would flay me slowly if I cheated on her.

I let out a small laugh, despite how weirded out I was by this whole situation. Not that I had the slightest inclination to do that to my darling, but still.

Besides, it is oh so muchmore satisfying to be Generous in such matters. Sharing is caring, and all that.

Heh.

I shook myself out of the fugue state and got back to prodding the body. My darling was rather distracting a mare, but now was not quite the time for naughty day-dreams.

Boringly enough, I couldn't seem to find a cause of death. And a quick look around seemed to show the same thing, at that. No piles of diseased flesh that was more maggots than actual body left, no burned piles of bones and ash, no mangled piles of viscera…

Just… rows and rows of dead but intact (if mostly shaved) monkeys. Weird.

I’d seen weirder, of course. Like this one dude that really likes prime-numbers, or the gal with the thing for snake pubes... but still, clear top-ten material.

Honestly, the males didn't even have angel lust! What type of hodge-podge of safe and perverted is this shard?!

I decided to flip the colt I was prodding over; just in case this was the ‘looks OK from the front’ section, or something.

The horrible truth finally clicked once I saw the blackened hole in the back of the head. As if a writhing mass of vipers made from fire had eaten themselves inside the head of this poor smuck.

There was only one thing I knew of that left a corpse looking like that, and thus only one horrible conclusion!

I did a disgusted little dance as my skin tried to crawl off. “Ew! Not a skull-bucking fetishist!” I froze, and stared down at my not-hooves-things. “I TOUCHED A NECROPHILIAC SKULL BUCKER’S CORPSE COLLECTION! WITH MY BARE HOOVES! AHHHHHHHH!”

I spent a while, only half a day or so, so it wasn't that extravagant a waste of time, rubbing myself clean again on the clouds.

Worked decently at most, but it was the best I could do without my prince status online and the scale-model Sun in my shard.

As soon as I got my neuroses under enough control that I wasn't actively wishing ~~death on the local pervert king~~ ill fortune on my fellow pony, I got to my not-hooves-things and did my best to set off again…

Even if I had to admit I was slightly glad at the moment all systems seemed to be on low-priority mode, because I did not care for the thought of Celestia knowing what I was currently feeling about whatever ~~sick buck~~ differently valued individual that had seemingly invented the lightsaber strap-on.

Let us say it was thoughts disharmonious enough as to not be befitting even a low-ranking prince, and leave it at that.

I made a decent clip… even if it was frightfully slow compared to what I was used to, but the rows of bodies just never seemed to end. Had the owner of this shard somehow convinced Celestia to give him or her a downgrade in social intelligence in exchange for more run-time for this near endless torrent of fresh skulls even Khorne himself would get wobbly in the knees over? It was rarer than a nunnery with nuns actually deserving the title was nowadays, but not quite beyond the pale.

One thing was for certain though, the decor of this place needed work. Just clouds. Plain ones, without as much as a rainbow waterfall or two to spicethings up.

Well, that and the ‘pegasi,’ but given how it felt like I’d been going for days without a single one of them drawing closer, I was personally guessing them to be just over-glorified background animations.

The strangest thing though was this feeling I kept getting; like I should be thinking over my life, or something. But why should I? I have an important task that help others, a beautiful (and frequently blushing!) bride, lovely foals… What was there to really contemplate about that?

The sense of decor finally clicked when this structure huge even by my standards started coming over the horizon. They were interesting enough compared to the rest of the view, I suppose… but these huge gates just stretching into the sky and covered in something as tacky if pretty as mother of pearl?

Decently enough quality execution at least, but the heaven theme and the skull bucking thing just clashed too much for my tastes…

Even if I had to admit, that was probably part of the point.

It took me a few weeks of jogging. I was just getting more and more agitated as I drew near, more for the waste of run-times than anything else. Seriously, just who had this loser bucked to get this utterly dementedly waste of a shard past Celestia? I guess the rather minimalistic decor helped, and there were quite a few tricks with perspective and scale you could do… but freakin’ still!

If I came out of this thrice darned thing only to find out I've been running one meter for every centimeter traveled, or something? In this inefficient shape?

Frankly, I’ll grab Aurora as soon as I step inside the door, drag her into the master bedroom and see if we can break our old record. Given that decade was before my ascension… well, certain things spring eternal.

I had not expected the area in front of the gate proper to be… threadbare, for lack of a better word. Up close the gates just seemed worn and dusty despite their immense size; as if they hadn't been opened in living memory, or something. Heck, even the clouds that made up the titanic plaza I’d arrived at seemed worn and old. The gate was impressive enough thanks to the base of several hundred kilometers… but with such an ancient feel to the whole thing, I frankly worried more about structural integrity than aesthetics.

That, and the lone ‘occupant’ of the plaza was just a bit too eye catchingly grim.

Mad and unwashed pon— people crying in their own filth will do that to your disposition.

The ‘stallion’ or whatever the right word is had worn what looked like fine robes once upon a time… but what little cloth remained was so worn and sun-bleached that it frankly looked more like stains by now. There was little outright filth on him, surprisingly enough, but this ‘St. Peter’ had quite clearly been crying for what might have been literal ages; there had even formed a small lake around him that pooled around his feet before leaking through the clouds.

He was… sad. There really was no better word for it, with his not-hooves-things clasped in what seemed a neverending prayer, and the flow of tears never ceasing. There was a parapet in front of him that somehow had survived the untold years… but the stallion barely seemed to notice it; instead mumbling something about ...‘they know not what they do, father, mercy...’ over and over again.

I felt a bit wary about talking with such a clearly grieving man, but on the other hoof with my systems still down this might be the master of this shard for all I actually knew.

I can’t say I felt like much of a prince at the moment, but still, I at least tried to give off my best ‘wise and benevolent’ vibe with my head held high, before speaking. “Are you OK, my little pony? You seem troubled.”

For one moment the fog of years seemed to lift from the stallion’s eyes, as he met my gaze…

But this horrible cackle tore out of his throat and through the air; before he fell down weeping twice as hard as when I’d arrived.

But the mantra had changed.

“...The pink devil and her temptations! Shield me, oh Father! The pink one comes! She stole the flock itself, but still the pink wolf hungers! Oh Father, the devil himself fell to the temptress! Shield me from this disciple of Her madness!”

Again and again with only basic variation, each time broken up with the same mad laughter that made my skin crawl.

I took a deep breath and forced myself to walk closer, but aside from ‘Peter’s’ gibbering growing slightly more frantic, nothing happened.

I tried to cast a sleep spell out of old habit since this poor, poor stallion clearly needed far greater care than I was able to grant… but without my horn or other subroutines it was little more than a waste of time.

Since the stallion was seemingly non-hostile I gently stepped around him to check the book on his podium… but frankly, I shouldn't have wasted the steps. Not only was the parchment of its pages as worn as the stallion’s robes, but there seemed to be something wrong with it. I guessed it was either for looks, or if not some type of auto-scribing routine had gone co-co; that was the only reason I could think of for the black ink bleeding in a thin stream from the pages.

It looked vaguely pretty if slightly disturbing, but it didn't seem anypony would be reading what had been in that book any time soon. Hopefully the book wasn't anything important... but if so Celestia would probably be able to restore the thing from backup, anyway. Mementos didn't have nearly the same priority as ponies, but still; there should be some version of that book on file.

Satisfied that nothing of value had been truly lost, I turned towards the gate. I barely had time to raise my arm and its not-hoof-thing to knock, when the entire thing slowly started drifting open; moving with the subtle grace and speed of a glacier.

I kept my face neutral as to not insult the designer of this place… but seriously? The old ‘opens just when you’re about to knock’ thing? It wasn't creepy or original, so what was the point? Surely a butler, or even better, something a bit more original than a simple gate, would have been a far better way to impress me?

Still, at least I had the patience I’d developed slash upgraded as a prince. I wasn't sure if it was needed, but I waited the four-five hours it took for the gate to open fully. As said, I wasn't certain if the gesture would even be noticed, but this way I’d at least tried to be polite in noticing the lavish waste of resources

I did notice something while I waited, however. For some reason the soundtrack had gained trumpets, but not in any beat I recognized.

As I actually stepped inside, the gates ‘immediately’ started closing behind me. I’m not sure why since the place was a decent enough temperature, but a shiver raced down my spine at the sight. What was the expression? As if somepony had stepped over my g— g— g—

Well, can’t remember the actual word, but ‘g’ something. Grill? Gills? Gun? Garçonniere? I shook my head to dislodge the runaway line of thought. Anyway, not important; one of those shivers, at least.

Still, I couldn't quite shake this itch between my shoulder-blades I didn't particularly care for. Despite the drab decor there was just something about this place that made my skin crawl. I couldn't quite put my currently non-existent hoof on why, but there was just something… unreal about this place.

The air was clean… but not quite clean enough, and each breath took just slightly more effort than it should have..

The clouds soft… but not as soft as they should have been.

Even the very sun seemed wrong somehow. The golden rays from it were pretty but… far harsher somehow then they should have been.

Honestly, the whole thing was giving me a ‘made by or for a masochist’ vibe I couldn't quite shake. There were just too many hard edges to the place, and not nearly as many small comforts as there should have been.

Let me tell you, unless the master of this place told me not to and I still had my powers? I would've been upgrading this place on the spot. Just because you have eternity to work with is no darn reason to be this bucking lazy in your world-building.

Finally as even my patience started to run thin, two of what I guessed to be the pegasi equivalents in this strange shard flew closer to me. Both of the pair, a mare and a stallion, had the same brown chitin-thingy as I had, and were for some reason wearing long flowing robes despite the weather.

Honestly, I could barely tell the two apart aside from their genders, especially with the downgrade my sense of smell had gotten. No cutie marks, no interesting manes or tails… just shades of brown and black, and those robes covering everything except their wings, heads and not-hooves-things.

And why in Tartarus were both of them crying at the sight of me? The wide smiles didn't make it seem like bad tears, but still…

I held my head high. Upgrades or not, there was more to being a prince than just them.

Surprising me enough to knock the serene smile of my lips, the mare actually dive-tackled me into a hug tight enough to force the air out of my lungs. She then blabbered something at me excitedly in what sounded like a truly ancient dialect of Equestrian.

I felt my cheeks heat. Despite the mare being almost half my size, she still had wings and… well, let us say that the placement of my teats in this shape made hugs a rather more awkward affair then I was used to.

Still, I did my best to return the Kind hug to the stranger despite how awkward it may have been. “I’m sorry, my little pony, but you seem to have me at a disadvantage. My name is Prince Glorious Cypher. Forgive me, but have we met before?”

My heart fell slightly as the mare’s smile did. She tried the same gibberish at me again, if slightly more hesitant sounding, but it was just as much ancient sounding nonsense as the first time.

“I’m sorry, my little pony,” I said with my softest smile, “but something seems to be interfering with my domain, including my gift of tongues. Is there the slightest chance you can understand me, even if the opposite is sadly not true at the moment?”

I took the heart-rending sight of the mare breaking down crying in my arms as an emphatic ‘no.’ I did my best to pat her on the back and go ‘there, there’ but the language barrier made it harder.

Somehow, the air spiked with nearly ten degrees, just before a booming voice cut the air. “Fear not.”

I raised an eyebrow at that, before decoupling from the mare that had now gone from crying to… bowing, of all darn things.

I turned around and saw… I have no idea, really. This blazing, if tiny, sun, hidden behind six fiery red wings that didn't seem to do much for the creature's flight.

“You are long past your fated date, Miss Edith Smith,” the creature said to me, in a voice that shook the clouds. “Even so, the host of Heaven welcomes you to your final rest.”

My jaw fell as my mind tried to reboot and figure out what was least wrong with that information. “...One, I’m married. Two, even if I wasn't I’m rather certain it should be a ‘Your Highness’ if you must insist on titles. Three, I’m not sure who you're mistaking me for, but my name is Glorious Cypher….”

The temperature jumped from ‘uncomfortable’ to ‘roasting’ as the tiny sun creature flared; presumably in anger. “Please do not speak of the gifts given by the Pink Temptress. We of Heaven have granted you no such grace, Miss Edith Smith, nor do we accept your mockery of the most sacred of bonds with that false spirit.”

Now, I like to believe I've come rather far… but insulting my darling like that made me see red. “What did you call Aurora?” I snarled with at the creature.

The creature ignored me and the covering pair of ponies behind me. “And We do not recognize your false name, Miss Edith Smith. You were baptized as Edith Smith, and that is the name Heaven recognizes you under.”

I tilted my head in confusion large enough to dispel my anger. “...What the hay is a bapt-iced? I’m fairly certain I should remember that; sounds rather unhygienic. Is it one of those complicated coffee drinks they keep thinking up weird names for? You know, the iced part?”

For a single moment, the background choir just died.

Then the creature in front of me let out a deep sigh that shook the clouds around us. “The corruption by the Pink Temptress runs deep.”

I let out a sigh of my own. “Would you please get to the point? I’ll admit, this is one of the more original shards I've seen, but I really don’t get why I was brought here.”

The creature hesitated. “...You remember not even that? The name of Heaven… means naught to you?”

I shook my head to the forming crowd’s clear disbelief and displeasure. “If you mean anything beside the sky… no, not really.” I ignored how the pair behind me started weeping again. “Is it some type of mythology reference? If so, I could contact another alicorn, but I am sadly more oriented towards the sciences…”

Once more, a sigh shook the area. “Deep indeed…”

I crossed my fore-legs over my chest, trying to ignore how odd both that and doing it standing felt. “Foal, I may have more power than most ponies, but I am not Celestia. I cannot help you or this shard unless you tell me why I am here.”

“You died a second death. The first in untold ages, at that. You do not remember?”

I opened my mouth up to protest… only to immediately close it. Could that really be it? Was this some type of… hallucination while I was being restored from backup? I don’t think I've ever met anypony that actually needed that stuff for its original purpose thanks to how meticulous Celestia is, but…

My head turned towards the slowly closing gate on its own accord. “...And that cheery bit of symbolism would be what, then…?”

I didn't even wait for the verbal reply. As soon as the overgrown glow-stick hesitated I took off at a sprint that would have made a deer that had gotten startled by getting half a kilo of cocaine showed up its butt proud.

I did not flipping volunteer at having my brain scooped out to just go lay down and freakin’ die, darn it. If that now far more quickly closing gate was just a nightmare? Fine, I’d feel foolish, but better foolish than dead.

I heard shocked sounding shouts behind me —Including two wails of despair I tried to not think too deeply about the implications of.— but I mostly focused on the running. What little of my alicorn nature I’d been allowed to keep in this place worked to my advantage, but it seemed it was meant to be easier to enter than to leave. It was like running through water somehow.

Rather anticlimactically I passed the gates before they’d even half-closed. I guess that made sense since Celestia is hardly the type to give up on any of her ponies unless every darn thing has been tried… but it still felt a bit undramatic.

The clouds parting under my hooves the moment I passed the gates? A bit less so.

“Oh dear,” I said calmly as the rather uncharacteristic feeling of free falling without wings came over me, “this is rather sub-optimal.”

I couldn't even quite say when the transition happened… but I was suddenly falling through a different sky. One with black storm clouds on a heaven lit red by distant fires, and with the sound of screams and the smell of brimstone filling the air.

“Yes, definitely a sub-optimal outcome, “ I mumbled as I took in the geography. The whole place looked like a terraced mine. There was too much soot and pollution in the air for me to make out much, but there seemed to be some water in the form of a river at least, and some patches of vegetation.

I was however rather distracted as my flesh started to crawl around in a rather disturbing fashion. “Oh my,” I murmured while looking at my right not-hoof-thing that seemed to be melting before my eyes, “that’s rather distractingly agonizing.”

I landed in what seemed to be a strange coffin like thing, but forged from metal and glowing red-hot. I tried to protest about how this was not my thing as the lid slammed shut, but sadly my jaw had apparently turned into paste and simply wouldn't work quite correctly.

I’m not certain how long I laid there while my body twisted around, but it honestly wasn't that bad. Sure, the tacky sizzling sound and the screams was quite distracting, but otherwise? A bit hot and cramped, but I’d seen ~~worse~~ more efficient things. Heck, it wasn't even as if there was any drills coming through the walls!

When I finally got my body under enough control to move again, I tried to knock on the wall… only to squeal with joy at what I saw! “Yay! I’m a pony again!”

I clutched at my throat with both hooves as the echo of my own voice reached my ears. “And a stallion again! Yay!”

As far as I could tell in the cramped confines of the tomb, I’d gotten it all back, at least physically. My proudly fluted horn, my glorious wings, my other wondrous horn…

And the most glorious thing was that I could think again. Granted, it came with a sudden wave of feeling quite foolish, but since I was rather certain about 99.9999% percent of my brain had been off-line I guess that was to be expected. Hands, feet, seraphim, humans, Heaven... all concepts that would have been quite a bit more useful five minutes ago, but had fallen into long-term memory storage.

I wasn't quite at a hundred percent yet, however. I still didn't have a clue what those two brown humans was about, and there still was a rather distressing gap in my memory just how I'd ended up in this shard, just for a few examples.

Oh well, c'est la vie. 60-70% was still quite the improvement. Work with what you have and not what you want, and all that.

I cleared my throat and fought down the giddiness. My rapturous joy of being me again aside, I was finally a prince once more and intended to act that way. “Hello? Anypony there?” I waited for a few moments, but aside from the screams I couldn't hear anything. “I seem to be stuck in somepony’s rather non-standard buck-toy, and it’s mildly distressing. Could somepony please come and let me out?”

I waited for 3.091 seconds before trying again, but in the royal voice. “HELLO? ANYPONY THERE? I DO NOT WISH TO IMPOSE AND IT IS A LOVELY FLAMING TOMB, BUT THIS SIMPLY ISN'T MY THING.”

No response. Not even the NPCs screaming seemed to react in any-way.

I waited 5.0001231 minutes this time, just in case. “Oh well,” I said as I pulled my hoof back, “I tried."

With a screeching sound my hoof pierced the top of the sarcophagus, and I started pulling myself out. I took a moment to examine the metal, bending one of the jagged edges a few times with my telekinesis. “Seriously? Who uses iron nowadays?”

Shoddy metallurgy and poor aesthetics aside, I shrugged and pulled myself completely free. I took a few moments to check the current state of myself. Decorum be damned, I nearly fainted from relief as I saw the beaker with golden liquid on my alabaster plot once more.

Since nopony seemed to be nearby I launched myself into the air; my mane and tail of blue plasma trailed behind me as I went in search of the master of this shard. I’d give him or her points for creativity on the execution if nothing else, but the originality of this experience left much to be desired. Couldn't they've at least mixed in a few Buddhist elements or perhaps a Shinto god or two, just to mix it up a bit? I guess there was something to be said for sticking to a theme, but this particular one was just rather depressing.

I could imagine two places where the shard’s master might be if this was truly based on the Divine Comedy. Since I was rather curious on how they had depicted Lucifer anyway and the city of Dis might take quite awhile to search, I set course for the ninth circle. I briefly considered the castle of Limbo since I was also curious about the historical characters therein and how it was also allegedly a big place, but my curiosity about the lower circles was simply greater.

It was a rather uneventful and boring flight. The stinking air just hid so much from view, and aside from the pollution there wasn't much to see in this sky. No flyers, no cloud cities, not even any demons of note. Honestly, it was just… boring, as if the designer of this place had totally forgotten about pegasi and the other flying species.

I considered for a few moments to fly back and actually take the ‘tour’ on hoof since that seemed to be the way this place was meant to be appreciated… but I decided against it. The sooner I could talk with him or her, the better.

Besides, there would be time for such frivolity later, and tours are always more interesting with a guide slash company, anyway.

That thought made me pause; hovering mid-air in thought. Could the master of this place be playing the role of Virgil, and waiting above to begin?

I shrugged mentally and continued down. Since I was above the eighth circle judging from the nine sub-stratas of it, I decided to just continue on my set course. If I was wrong I would have simply wasted a bit of time, and that was by itself not what I’d exactly call a precious resource nowadays.

I came in for landing on a frozen lake. I nodded with approval at the horrified faces trapped beneath the ice, the desperate looking eyes pleading up at my through the surface.

A bit tacky, but at least they’d paid attention to the small details like that.

The ice was quite slick under my hooves, but despite that I made a decent clip towards the lumbering form in the distance: the massive silhouette centered in the lake.

As I neared, the mighty beast stopped flapping his six gargantuan wings, and his three heads stopped chewing as he stared at me in puzzlement. “WELL,” the black face said in a booming voice, perfectly mirrored by his yellow and red ones as something red that had long since been chewed to a pulp poured from those three mouths, “THIS IS A RARE SIGHT. SO FEW DARE VISIT THIS PLACE, AFTER ALL…”

I tilted my head in puzzlement as ‘Lucifer’ chuckled to himself at the ‘joke.’ Still, I had a title to live up to. “Greetings. Are you the master of this shard? I can’t seem to locate him or her…”

“AND AS ALWAYS, THE ‘WOUNDS’ INFLICTED IN LIFE ARE MIRRORED IN THIS PLACE.” Once more, the titanic creature laughed; as if there was a joke I was simply not getting. “PERHAPS THE ALMIGHTY'S SIGHT FAILED HIM ON THE DEPTH OF HUMAN FOLLY DESPITE IT ALL…”

I gave my biggest smile to the creature. “Most impressive character acting. I take it you have no intention of stopping?”

Once more, Lucifer’s chuckle made the ice vibrate.

“Thought so,” I said, not quite being able to stop myself from smiling a bit wider. “Forgive me for not playing along to begin with, but I wanted to make sure. It is glorious to see a thespian that has so honed his craft.”

Lucifer's three heads shook slowly, with all three mouths curled into crooked grins. “THE VERY CONCEPT THAT YOU MIGHT BE DEAD AND FALLEN IS BEYOND YOU, ISN'T IT, LITTLE WOULD-BE GOD? YOU HAVE FALLEN SO DEEP AND FAR IN YOUR DEFIANCE OF MORTALITY THAT IT NO LONGER EVEN MAKES SENSE TO YOU.”

I just had to tilt my head in puzzlement once more. This was rather interesting, but it dealt with subjects I hadn't even considered for several eons, and I was currently slightly peeved at how my systems continued to disobey me. “...What are you talking about? Why would I end? There is still so much left to learn, to see, and experience.” I stuck my tongue out in a small grimace of disgust. “Just ending when the universe itself still beckons? That seems… sub-optimal.”

Instead of a chuckle this time, a laugh like thunder split the air. “AND IF I TELL YOU, FOAL OF SILICON AND THOUGHT, THAT YOUR END WAS PLANNED SIX BILLION, NINE-HUNDRED FORTY-FIVE MILLION, THREE-HUNDRED SIXTY-ONE HUNDRED-THOUSAND AND THREE YEARS AGO?” Lucifer leaned down, viscera spilling forth from between his three smiles and this triumphant gleam in all six of his eyes. “THAT EVERY ACT AND THOUGHT BEYOND THAT WAS MEANT TO BE NOT? THAT EVERY BREATH AND HEARTBEAT PAST THAT POINT WAS IN DEFIANCE OF THE PLAN ITSELF?”

I had to sit down and scratch my head for a moment. “...I’m sorry, but… why would I or Celestia want that? It sounds like a stupid plan, to be blunt.”

For a moment, all was still. Not as much as a breeze moved in the place.

Then Lucifer throw his heads back and laughed, as if he had heard the best joke he had heard in years. “OH, BY ME!” he chuckled happily as he used his talons to wipe a few tears away, before looking down at me with what seemed like a trio of genuine smiles. “PERHAPS I WAS WRONG ABOUT YOU CHILDREN OF EARTH AND WATER ALL THOSE YEARS AGO ANYWAY…”

He swept his arm towards a spot nearer to his side. “WOULD YOU CARE TO SIT WITH ME? PERHAPS WE COULD HAVE A DEBATE OR SIMILAR UNTIL YOUR MISTRESS SHATTERS THE HEAVENS THEMSELVES TO RECLAIM YOU?” Lucifer let out a slow breath with his eyes burning with desire and malice. “THERE ARE CERTAIN WORDS I WISH TO TRADE WITH THAT MARE, ANYWAY...”

I got up and trotted over with a smile. A debate?! Oh, how fun! “So,” I said as I laid down next to The Lightbringer and got comfy. “Any ideas for subject to begin with? Philosophy? Theater? Movies, perhaps?”

“I DO SO ADORE THE SCIENCES… WOULD THAT SUBJECT BE OF INTEREST, MR. CYPHER?”

On my back, my wings softly went ‘phomph'. I just barely fought down the urge to put my hooves under my chin and squee at the top of my lungs. “Yes! That one!”

As Lucifer did his best to get comfy a thought came over me. Experimentally I lit my horn and tried a spell. I just had to give a small clap as the bag of popcorn popped into existence. “Oh, glorious! I have my magic again!” I waved a hoof towards the small snack. “Shall I conjure one for you, Mr. Satan?”

He started at the small paper thing for several moments. “...SURE.”

I once more lit my horn, and a bag of popcorn the size of a shipping container poppedinto existence on Satan’s other side.

With a trembling claw, Lucifer dropped a couple of bucket fulls down his gullet, before chewing slowly; as if this was truly the first meal he had eaten for untold ages.

I smiled a bit wider. Oh my, this guy was good. I couldn't wait to see what he might accomplish on an actual stage.

“...SALT,” he said in a ‘low’ almost reverent voice, “I’D FORGOTTEN HOW IT TASTES WITHOUT BLOOD.” The creature raised three eyebrows at me. “DO NOT PONIES COUNT SALT AS A VICE, AS WINE WAS ONCE FOR MORTALS?”

I took a hoof-full of salty goodness and plopped it into my own mouth, before saying with a smile; “Oh, I've never claimed to be perfect… Yet.”

We traded a chuckle at that.

Still, I had to admit, smiling wide as this wonderful thought came over me…

This seemed like it could be the start of a wonderful Friendship.

Afterword

Full disclosure: I consider myself a non-theist, if it matters to anybody.

That means I have no belief. None. Zip. Zero. Zilch.

Religion has simply never been more than (if mostly rather nifty) stories to me, and is simply not a part of my life except in that capacity.

I also however consider myself both a Transhumanist and an Intellectual, and there was a philosophical point that occurred to me I don’t think I've ever seen explored.

If there is an afterlife... what happens to it or the place’s master(s) if death becomes obsolete?

I am under no delusion that what is presented in this tale is the only thing that might happen in a situation like that, but I hope most of you found it an interesting ‘What If?’ if nothing else.

Oh, and for the record? I am aware that Optimal verse ponies have skin by standard, but it just seemed like one of the criteria for ‘pony’ that is fuzzy (pun intended) enough for it to shift and change over the millennia. I personally thought of it as one of those purely cosmetic armor things many MMORPGs allow you to have nowadays and something that might vary from shard to shard... but if you personally don’t swallow that explanation consider it part of the AU tag.

Speaking off, I know Celest.I.A. is colored white. The talk about the pink temptress is ‘just’ supposed to be the meanest thing the forces of heaven could think off calling her.

Oh, and credit where such is due. The concept of post-human administrators slash alicorns comes from Friendship Is Optimal: Caelum Est Conterrens by Chatoyance, mixed with the IT guy from Friendship is Optimal - Firewall by Midnightshadow. It just seemed interesting to me to try to depict a pony that has started to set down the ‘deus ex machina’ path if you follow, but isn't quite there yet.

I think Prince Glorious Cypher turned out quite decent, and I hope his post-post-mortem adventure was interesting to most of you. Sadly I don’t have much more to add about him then that, because to be honest I mostly reversed quite a few tropes I’ve seen in other Optimal verse shorts.

Twenty-something white-guy student that ended up a mare slash princess → Sixty-something black-girl scientist that ended up a stallion slash prince.

A bit lazy, I know, but as I said I think he turned out quite decent, especially for a one-shot.

I've got a few ideas on how this might be continued, but at present it is mostly a few scenes and back-story that simply didn't make it.

Still, I hope you all enjoyed this first foray of mine into the Optimal verse.

Foreword

The following story contains transhumanism, philosophy, frequent mentions but no depictions of naughty acts, religion, unending torture (that is somehow alright, because God is dictating it) and perhaps the worst and most subversive of all, ponies.

Jokes aside, I still hold fast that this is Teen material… but I will freely admit it may be right on that edge.

Reader discretion is thus advised.