My name is... irrelevant. Partly because it ruins the fun if I told you. I'll tell you this though, I've been doing what I do for awhile now and it always ends differently. Some cry for more, some yell out to Celestia, some even try to beg their way out if they're just not into it. I've been at this for awhile and not once has the face of my... partner... been the same.

Something funny though, they always say your first time is the hardest, or you'll never forget your first, but I can't even remember her name. Just some random mare from Detrot. The second one though, that was a beauty from Baltimare and she was a catch. See, I made this list and sometimes I have to do a bit of traveling, but I don't mind. As long as I get to meet new ponies I'm okay with it. You never know when you might run into them again after all... and in my business you run into a LOT of ponies.

But you see, that's in the past and I'm not one to spend much time on the past so instead, I'll tell you about all the fun I just had. You see, I've been shacked up in this town called Ponyville for awhile now, call it my base of operations if you will, and I've grown quite close to a few of the mares here so I figured hey, why not. I knew this one mare that would just love a fresh cupcake so I figured I'd invite her over, share a few laughs and then get her all good and ready. Needless to say she didn't last very long, but then who does these days?

That's beside the point though, see, the look of betrayal on her face when I poked into her was priceless. I was laughing my flank off the whole time! The stupid mare started crying, pleading for me to stop but I was just having too much fun. Even when some of her juices got on my mussel I just licked them up and kept going. I mean, why should I care if she doesn't want it? Not like I asked for her permission or anything.

Needless to say by the end of it she wasn't complaining very much, they never do after all. The look in their eyes before I send them away says they've moved on but hey, I live for the moment. Sure, there's a few I wish I could have another round with but hey, THAT would be insanity. See, I have a code. Once I do my business with a pony, that's it. No more interaction, no more time devoted. I ply my trade, say goodnight, then I'm gone. There's no room for going back when it comes to these things and sure I might lose a friend over it but that's perfectly fine. I'm good at making friends.

Take the mare I was just with for example. She was a really good friend of mine, probably one of my closest. The smell of her mane, the feel of her fur, if you needed something you could count on her... eventually. When I had to move on from her I was sad, sure, but all I had to do was spend time with another friend and I was a-okay again. I will admit one thing though, in all my life I never regretted the things I've done, but she almost changed that.

You see, once I got her all warmed up and everything, the look of betrayal was almost too much. She cried, she begged, but it was all in confusion. Usually, the pony knows just what is happening but when I took her in and got going she was just... lost. I almost wanted to stop everything but I knew I couldn't.

See, for ponies like me, you can't just start somepony up and leave them hanging. It's in bad taste to do that. When you start the job, you finish it, and that's a creed I live by. I've never been interrupted during my business, I've never had to stop and pick things up later and I've never had to stop for a bit because I wasn't feeling well. When I start, I finish, and nothing will change that...

...So I guess that leads me to details then, you want to know about what happened with the mare, right? Well, after I got her all warmed up I went right on in. She cried a bit at the start but eventually the confusion set in. She kept thinking it was some sort of nightmare, or maybe it was just some elaborate prank, but eventually she came to terms with things... of course that was about when she passed out but hey, what's it matter?

I guess that still isn't much on details though is it? Well I'll tell you this much. When I stabbed the knife in for the first time? Wow was that a thrill. I have never seen such a look of betrayal before. When I started carving her up? That was even better! I could hardly stop myself from licking up all the blood. I acquired a bit of a taste for pony blood over the years, maybe I've become a vampony? That wasn't even the best part though. See, she pulled this number where she started crying and asked me why I was doing it, why I was cutting her up, and I told her, "It was your turn to party with me!" and she just absolutely broke! I mean, I've seen ponies go lifeless before, but this was different! It's like she just deflated and turned gray... glad she didn't really though, I just love the way her mane looks; it wouldn't look right without color.

I was amazed how long she lasted though. Most ponies can only go for a little while but I pulled almost every one of her internal organs out of her body before she finally died. See, I have this thing I do. I'll start with a kidney, then move to the gallbladder, then I'll take out a lung, then the other kidney, then just pulling organs out one by one until I'm holding their still beating heart in my hoof. Well, for a minute I thought I'd have to cut her head open and take out her brain but instead I just put her heart into her mouth and used her hoof to snap her jaw shut. Honestly I wish I could have saved the moment because I've never been able to do something like that before... doubt I ever will again.

That's beside the point though. Sure, I can have all the fun in the world while plying my trade but it doesn't mean a thing if I don't let my partner have a little fun either. So, right at the beginning, I always start off with a little bit of hangmare. First letter wrong they lose the tail, next four letters the lose a leg, and if their a unicorn or pegasus they lose their horn or wings on the sixth letter, earth ponies get a free pass. If they don't get the word by then the fun begins, if they do get the word then it's on to round two! Of course, sometimes I'll get a pony that passes round two, and then when I tell them it's on to round three they cry out "how many rounds are there!" Depending on how many chances they have left I'll change what I tell them.

It was funny though, see, the one time I had a pony make it past round three with just her wings left and she thought she was going to go free because she got the word but then I "slipped" and cut off a wing and so I said to her "well already cut off one wing, might as well keep going now." I miss her so much you know, until now she was my absolute favorite. She kept fighting and struggling all the way up until the end. Ever since her I actually changed the rules a bit. I would cut off the legs at the knee before taking the whole thing off which gave them an extra four chances and I even told them they had to get through four rounds to go free so they had a goal in mind... isn't that nice of me?!

Seems like I went off on a bit of a tangent though again. I was talking about my most recent, right? Well once we got past hangmare, I was met with an interesting conundrum. She still had a leg left which was a first. Usually the blood loss will stop them from being able to think clearly but I guess she was just too good at these things to let a little lack of blood stop her. Well, once she won the game she got this look in her eye but I didn't like that very much so I stabbed it a couple of times to get rid of it... she didn't like that very much.

After I got rid of that look I apologized for stabbing her like that for no reason and I think she was okay with it by the end of things... I'd ask her now but, well, I'm sure you'll understand why I won't. Anyway, once we got past the whole eye stabbing we really started to have fun. First I carved away her skin so I could keep her mane intact, wouldn't want to ruin such an iconic mane after all, and then I decided to have a bit of fun with it so I took her mane and tail and put them on over my own. The funny part was when I started mimicking her voice and then she started trying to say she didn't sound like that at all. Silly pony! Of course you don't sound like what you think you sound like!

I really need to stop getting distracted though, here I am, telling you all about how I carved up one of my best friends and yet I don't even have the decency to stick with the details! I must be a bad pony to keep you in suspense like this. Anyway, once I was done mimicking her that was when I opened her up to look at all the juicy bits on the inside. It was a bunch of fun seeing her insides like that! I'll never get over the thrill of it... but all good things have to come to an end eventually and her end started when I decided it was time for my little game.

I started pulling her organs out of her body, still attached of course, and placed them all around her. I kept getting farther and father, amazed at her survival instinct, and almost debated putting everything back in and sewing her back up by the time I got her heart out... but that was when I thought about the whole heart and hoof thing. So I placed her heart in her mouth, and right before I swung her leg into her jaw I whispered in her ear, "I had lots of fun with you Pinkie. We should do this again sometime!"

Author's Note

This is why I don't do Grimdark but shit happens and you gotta get it out somehow.