A Substandard Fanfic
Pinkie Pie was bouncing along the quaint streets of Ponyville in her typical over-caffeine-ified manner with her usual look of pure joy. Today she was happy for no reason other than she was looking forward to tomorrow, when she could look back fondly on the memory of today. Today, after all, was a particularly special day. Why was it so special? Because Pinkie had decided it was so. It was a very special day indeed. Thus Pinkie had gone about the town informing everypony of the special day.
Pinkie Pie talked so quickly, that in all honesty, nopony really understood her. Also her mind works in ways not entirely understood by modern science. Therefor it would be rather pointless to waste time writing down any of her interactions.
Meanwhile in a pleasant cottage overlooking a grassy field, famed audiobook recorder Scribbler, sat sipping some English tea. She had had quite a busy week, what with all of the audiobooks and comic dubs she had been working on, the radio play she directed, and to top it all off this run on sentence had left her a bit out of breath. So she had decided to take a quick break for tea, because she was a pony of English origin, and it was said that that was what one did in England. It was a stereotype to be sure, but Scribbler enjoyed tea all the same.
Suddenly she heard what sounded like a wood block sound effect coming from her computer to create the sound of a hoof knocking on a door. She went to the door wondering why exactly did the pony at the door not simply use the door. Why did they need sound effects?
Scribbler’s question was sort of answered, when she opened the door to find Pinkie doing some sort of aerobics workout.
“Hello there Pinkie” said Scribbler in her usual pleasant and mildly cute, British-y sounding voice. Scribbler flinched at the memory of having recently read such an improper word as British-y, and also at the common stereotype that all British ponies were prim and proper.
“Hi Scribby” said the energetic pink party pony, who seemed even more animated than usual. Pinkie bounced a few more times, noticed the open story file on Scribbler’s computer, and proceeded to stretch her neck out to a giraffe’s length in order to see it properly. Scribbler was taken aback, but had to admit it was an impressive physical feat. So far she had only seen such things on the Saturday morning cartoons she used to watch as a young filly, and occasionally dabbled in even today.
“Why don’t you come in?” Scribbler inquired.
“Okay” said Pinkie. The rest of her body proceeded to trot into Scribbler’s cottage, and Scribbler closed her front door.
“Well this is certainly a pleasant surprise” said Scribbler.
“Don’t be silly, silly” said Pinky.
“What do you mean?”
“You knew I was coming before I got here."
“How could I have known that?”
“Because the story said I would.”
“Story? What story?”
“This story silly. The one we’re in remember? It started out talking about me bouncing around Ponyville telling everypony about a special day. Then the writer decided to abandon that idea. Something about it being too G3-ish. Whatever that means. Then the writer said some stuff that could be taken as insults to English ponies, which wasn’t very nice of them but we’re forgiving, and now I’m talking really fast and pretty soon you’re going to stick your hoof in my mouth to shut me up and -”
Scribbler put a hoof in Pinkie Pie’s mouth to shut her up.
“Pinkie Pie such ramblings. I honestly don’t know where you get this over-active imagination from.”
Pinkie Pie took a deep breath before rambling on.
“And now the story says I’m gonna take a deep breath before rambling on. So I did. And then I rambled on. But I’m not sure exactly what I’m rambling about because the writer is just sort of making it up as they go. And you’re really starting to hate the writer for making me talk so much and so fast and -”
Scribbler held up a hoof, and Pinkie Pie was silent once more.
“Why don’t you just -”
“Ooh! Can I look at some stories?” Pinkie squealed.
Scribbler thought for a second, then decided that if it kept Pinkie from rambling on about a mysterious writer who controlled their destinies (as if such a thing were possible), then she was all for it.
“Sure thing Pinkie. Make yourself at home. Tea?”
“No thanks. I’ve had a lot to drink today and soon I hope the writer writes about me asking to use your bathroom because I really have to go.”
“Oh for writer’s-” Scribbler caught herself. “I mean for Celestia’s sake. It’s the second door on the left down that hallway.”
Pinkie Pie hopped out of her chair and headed for the bathroom.
“Thanks Scribby.”
“Just don’t let the writer tell me what you did in there” said an annoyed Scribbler.
“Oh don’t worry. My bathroom habits aren’t necessary to the plot of this story.” Pinkie giggled. “Ha ha ha! Plot!”
Scribbler felt herself getting more and more annoyed. For one thing she couldn’t help feeling that Pinkie’s intrusion was cutting into the time that she could be recording audiobooks, and for another she thought that was a very cheap use of the slang term for a pony’s backside.
Suddenly Scribbler looked over at her computer and noticed that writing was appearing as if by magic. She stared wide eyed at it, and walked over to the glowing machine.
“What the?”
Everything that had happened to her that morning, including a rough transcript of her rather confusing chat with Pinkie was written out for all to see. This revelation of such dark magic was of great concern to Scribbler. Perhaps she had caught an internet virus seeking to pry into her private life. Was it hackers? Snatching up her computer and forgetting about her earlier promise to let Pinkie read some fan-fics (which included the one she was reading right now), she ran to the bathroom door.
“Pinkie I’m headed to Twilight’s. I think my computer is malfunctioning.”
Pinkie opened the door, drying her hooves off with a towel.
“No need. The writer can just make Twilight appear outside your house.”
Scribbler scoffed.
“How could?-”
Then she noticed that what she had just said had just appeared on the screen.
“Oh my.”
There was a thump outside the cottage. Scribbler and Pinkie ran to open the door. They found Twilight lying in a heap on the ground. She had a thin red book lying next to her and her wings were stretched out and stiff.
Pinkie Pie looked at Twi’s wingboner and frowned.
“Well the implications here are rather unpleasant” she said. “Someone clearly has a twisted sense of humor.”
Twilight look around wildly, as if trying to figure out where she was. Then she noticed her erect wings and blushed. One of the few down-sides to being an Alicorn or a Pegasus, was that arousal of any kind was displayed via the wings.
“Okay quit talking about Twi’s boner. Good grief you’re embarrassing her!” Pinkie shrieked.
A few ponies on the street stopped to stare, and Scribbler glared at Pinkie.
“I didn’t say anything. And neither did anypony else. We would have been perfectly content to let it pass, but you had to go announcing it to the neighborhood.”
“The writer mentioned it” said Pinkie with a frown. “If Twilight wants to read a dirty book that’s her private life. And furthermore the writer is just having me babble on about this topic to get a few cheap laughs from the readers.”
“Oh so now we have readers as well?”
“You bet. They’ve been reading everything we do. They just read this entire extremely embarrassing interaction. And they’re wondering when Twilight will chime in.”
Just then, Twilight chimed in.
“What’s going on here?”
“Well you see” began Scribbler.
“Scribby is having problems with the writer” said Pinkie.
Twilight was taken aback.
“The writer? Who’s the writer?”
“Nopony knows. They change all the time, and they write about everything everypony does and then ponies like Scribbler read about it. It’s really quite sad when you stop to think about it. Scribbler is a witless accomplice to this writer who butts into the personal lives of ponies all over Equestria.”
Twilight and Scribbler exchanged glances, and shrugged as if to say ‘It’s just Pinkie being Pinkie.’
“I know exactly what you’re think right now. You’re thinking it’s just Pinkie being Pinkie. And right about now the readers are starting to think the writer has beaten this joke into the ground and stomped on it, but this fanfic will probably be moderately popular.”
Twilight’s wings had finally gone back down to her relief, but there were more important things to worry about at the moment.
“Pinkie when did you learn about this writer?”
Pinkie pulled a very large book from seemingly out of nowhere.
“Where did that come from?” Scribbler asked.
Pinkie grinned, and opened the book.
“This is where I get all my amazing knowledge from. All the events of Equestrian history, are written down in this book. Everything that ever happened, and everything that ever will happen. This magic book allows you to see it all.”
Twilight and Scribbler stared in shock.
“For example I happen to know that just last Tuesday, Vinyl and Octavia took out a mortgage on their house.”
“What?” Scribbler was shocked. “I didn’t even know they were having financial problems.”
“I didn’t even know they were still dating” said Twilight.
“I know right. Most writers think Tavi and Pon3 are like this super rad couple and all, but this writer thinks they dated in college but then parted on friendly terms at some point. They’re still best buddies, just not in that way anymore.”
Twilight scratched her head.
“So what’s the truth then?”
“Well that’s just it. There’s no way of knowing what is truth and what’s just somepony’s imagination.”
Twilight thought about this for a moment, and then decided it was her duty as Ponyville’s Princess of Friendship to call an emergency meeting.
“Pinkie, Scribbler.”
“I know exactly what you’re going to say, and yes I will. But let’s make it the town hall. Cause this particular writer thinks your new castle is a stain on the face of Equestria.”
Twilight was taken aback.
“Well that’s not very nice of them. They haven’t even seen the castle. I mean I assume they haven’t.” Twilight started to panic. “Oh dear. We’ve gotta assemble everypony for a meeting right away. This matter needs to be addressed.”
Twilight was just about to teleport back to her castle, when Pinkie nudged her.
“Yes?”
Pinkie pointed to the erotic novel that Twi had been reading when she had been so rudely interrupted. Twilight picked it up, and looked at it for a second. She wondered if it was just an Alicorn thing to lose control of one’s teleportation abilities when you were... close to arriving. She figured she would have to write a letter to Celestia’s cousin Molly, Equestria’s foremost authority on all things sexy.
“Yeah you do that” said Pinkie with a smile.
“Huh?”
“Never mind. You go get ready for the meeting and Scribs and I will gather everypony together.”
Twilight disappeared. When she was gone, Scribbler and Pinkie ran off to tell everypony about the upcoming meeting. When they had told everypony, Scribbler turned to Pinkie.
“Pinkie. What was that you were saying earlier about a special day?”
“Oh yeah. Huh. I guess the writer decided we would have a special day after all. Silly of them to write about it though. Soon enough everypony will know. And as a sidenote, I’m fairly certain the grammatical structure of this piece is off.” Pinkie pointed to the story on Scribbler’s still open laptop she was holding up with one hoof.
“Well there’s no time to worry about the writer’s poor grammar. We’ve got work to do.”
One paragraph later, Pinkie and Scribbler had informed everyone in Ponyville of the very important meeting being held in the town hall. Twilight had also flown to Canterlot and asked the princesses to fly in post haste.
“Thank you all for being here everypony” said Twilight, surveying the crowd of confused and frightened Equestrian citizens. “As you all know, Pinkie Pie has recently learned of a mysterious dark magic known as the writer.”
Applebloom raised a hoof in the air.
“What’s wrong with a writer?”
“I’m glad you asked” said Twilight. “Pinkie bring forth the book.”
Pinkie did as per instructed, and brought the book to Twilight’s podium. The easily frightened townsfolk of Ponyville, looked at the large book with apprehension. The rest of Twilight’s friends (and the other important ponies) were not so easily spooked though.
“What in tarnation is that?” Applejack asked pointing to the very thick book (which practically crushed the podium under its weight).
“Pinkie would you care to explain?”
“Well that depends on weather the writer wants me to or not.”
There came a collective “Huh?”
Twilight held a hoof up. “Well why don’t you ask?”
“Okay. Hello writer. Can I tell everypony how you’re invading our private lives and writing down every little thing we do? What? I just did? Okay.”
Most of the townponies began to panic and talk rapidly at each other. Lily fainted with a gasp. Berry Punch took out a flask of whisky to calm her nerves. Derpy’s eyes had gone straight. Twilight whistled to the crowd.
“Everypony calm down” she said in her best commanding voice.
Celestia spoke up. “What’s your plan of action Princess Twilight?”
“I’m glad you brought that up Princess. Pinkie here will use her mysterious unexplainable powers, to communicate with the writer, and try and get them to stop writing about us.”
The townsfolk all cheered. Pinkie hushed them all with a stomp.
“Okay everypony. We’ve wasted an entire page now, so let’s get to it. Everypony stand back! Things could get weird.”
“Weirder than normal Pinkie?” Rainbow inquired.
“Hush now. All must be quite as I enter the cosmic mind-portal” said Pinkie in an unnecessarily dramatic voice, that caused the easily spooked horses of Ponyville to cower, and the more sensible ones to roll their eyes.
Then suddenly she went stiff as a board.
“Oh goodness” whimpered Fluttershy.
“That’s freaky” said Rainbowdash.
“So un-lady-like” grumbled Rarity.
“Hey do ya’ll think we oughta close her mouth?” Applejack
“No” instructed Twilight. “My extensive research tells me ponies in such intense meditative states can asphyxiate if their mouths are closed.”
“Charming” said Rarity as she stepped out of range of any potential vomit.
A few moments later, Pinkie was suddenly brought back to reality with an enormous sneeze. Everypony jumped, and Twilight leaned in to ask what Pinkie had seen.
“So what was the writer like?”
“Oh he was nice” said Pinkie with a cheerful smile. “We watched a few of the old episodes and read some stories. I asked to read the one about the cupcakes, but they said no. I didn’t enjoy their secretiveness about that story, but we had a wonderful time with everything else. They also said they had gotten the idea from watching one of the therapy sessions Dr. Wolf had posted online.”
Dr. Wolf who was also in attendance, looked suddenly panic stricken.
“How did they know about that? My criminal activities are kept well out of the public eye.”
Needless to say Mr. Wolf had just lost a huge chunk of his cliental, but there were more important things to worry about at the moment.
“Wait a moment” said Twilight. “What episodes?”
“Of My Little Pony” chirped Pinkie.
“So we’re being filmed now?” Spike asked.
“Yep” said Pinkie with a smile.
“Well that just makes me mad” said Spike turning to Twilight. “It’s a complete invasion of privacy.”
“It’s worse than when we ran Ponyville Confidential with Diamond Tiara” said Sweetie Bell in her usual high pitched annoying whine.
“Jerk” said Pinkie.
“Pinkie!” Rarity gasped.
“Sorry Sweetie not you.”
Twilight took the podium once again.
“Pinkie Pie? How do we stop the writers from invading our lives and from secretly filming us?”
“Oh I wouldn’t worry about the filming. They get a bunch of stuff wrong anyway. The Equestria Games were really boring in the show, we don’t see nearly enough of the princesses, and they don’t even acknowledge Lybonra” grumbled Pinkie.
“It sounds just awful darling” said Rarity. “Was the writing any better?”
“Well the whole show wasn’t bad” said Pinkie. “Some parts were okay. Some of the stuff the writers made was okay too. And there are a lot of ponies who watch the show, and try to figure it out. There’s one that looks kind of like Digi” Pinkie pointed to the light purple unicorn who looked surprised.
“Really?”
“Really. There’s also singers who do a really good job. One looks kind of like you Gem” Pinkie pointed at the purple earth pony, who looked just as shocked as Digi.
“You don’t say eh?”
“Well if I didn’t say, then the writer wouldn’t have let me say. They wanted me to say, so I said. Do you see what I’m saying?”
“Hold on a minute” said Vinyl. “This is a clear case of identity theft. Some other ponies out there are pretending to be those guys. That’s not right. In fact it really pisses me off. I want to use R rated language, but since there are foals around I’m not going to.”
Octavia looked proud at her former marefriend’s sense of control.
“Vinyl you use R rated language all the time” said Pinkie. “That’s why you’re not allowed on the show.”
“Yeah well bleep their bleeps” shouted Vinyl. “I don’t give a bleep about no bleepin TV show. Suck my bleepin bleep you motherbleepin jerks.”
Octavia was amazed.
“Vinyl you’re showing remarkable restraint. I’m very proud of you.”
Vinyl was confused.
“What do you mean. The writer got me so upset I just said bleep, bleeps, two counts of bleepin, bleep which is anatomically incorrect, and one motherbleepin. I hardly think I’m bleeping day care material.”
“Well saying bleep isn’t so bad” said Octavia. “There are certainly worse things a pony could say. Why you could have completely lost it and said bleep, bleep, or worse bleep.”
At the last one Vinyl was hopelessly lost.
“Tavi, I didn’t understand a word of that” she said. “You were just saying bleep over and over.”
Finally Pinkie had had enough.
“Oh for fuck’s sake” she shouted. “This joke has gone on long enough.”
“Pinkie I’ve never heard you use such unclean language” said Rarity who was aghast.
“I wouldn’t have.”
“It’s that darn writer” said Applejack with an angry stomp of her hoof.
“I say we wash their house away in a huge flood” shouted Rainbow.
“Burn! Burn! Burn!” Spike suggested.
“Oh d-d-dear dear” squeaked Fluttershy.
“Hey that’s a different book series you plagiarist” snapped Pinkie.
Just then, Discord spoke up.
“If I may offer my services. This other world sounds far too dangerous for any of my good friends to face. So why don’t you let me go cause a little trouble for the writers. Troublesome is my middle name after all.”
“You’d do that?” Twilight asked.
“Why of course pal” said Discord. He snapped his fingers and was immediately dressed as some sort of secret agent.
“I didn’t know you had a middle name” said Fluttershy.
“But of course. Discord Troublesome Anderson. That never came up in our letters?”
“I don’t think so. Maybe we should get it changed legally. It doesn’t exactly help your image. What do you think?”
“I think the writer is deliberately wasting our time” said Pinkie. “Go forth and bring them heck, Discord the Noble.”
With a salute Discord left to bring global warming, nuclear meltdowns, and reality TV to the world of the writers, and to those who dared to produce My Little Pony.
THE END
Summary of real world events:
Scribbler was sitting at a cafe table with a few other ponies, Discord, and Doctor Wolf. She had just finished reading the most awful story ever, and she felt dirty.
“Discord you’ll pay” she said.
“But I already paid the 100 bits to have you record the short story” said Discord.
“Fine but I don’t give a toss how much you paid for it, I’ll be needing a good scrubbing for my conscience.”
Dr. Wolf who had been sitting there with his usual contemplative look, spoke up at this point.
“It seems to me that this writer of yours is the one who needs a shower Discord. Perhaps a good vacuuming as well.”
“Oh please. You’re the one posting your therapy sessions online.” Discord put his hand to his chest and then blew out in a rude but fairly accurate impression of the miniature wolf. “It’s good to be helping.”
“It is, I’m not, and the fact that you would insinuate that I’d do anything of the sort makes me think there are some deeper issues you should explore.”
“You’re probably not even a real doctor. I’ll bet you’re some sort of accountant.”
“Well perhaps I am, in this alternate reality you’ve created for yourself” said Dr. Wolf, resting his chin on one of his paws.
“Who says it’s an alternate reality?” Discord inquired.
“What do you mean?”
“I mean suppose the fake reality of my reality is reality, and the reality of your reality is really a fake reality. So relatively speaking, anypony’s reality could just be a fake reality that they’ve come to realize for themselves because they need a comfortable reality, which I find to be really quite comforting, unless you think I’m faking my reality thoughts just to mess with your reality.”
Dr. Wolf seemed fascinated by the obvious head case before him, and wondered how he could get him on his couch.
Gem, Molly, Ellymonty, Octavia, Nowacking and Vinyl Scratch were also at the table, and along with Scribbler, were all equally interested. It was all rather confusing, the chaos of Discord’s mind. They all suspected they would need aspirin before too long, but it was interesting regardless. One thing that was bothering everypony though, was the fact that their waiter hadn’t arrived yet. It was a fairly busy day, but they had been waiting fifteen minutes. Just then Scribbler flagged down a passing bus-pony.
“Excuse me?”
“Yes Ms. Scribbler?”
“I don’t wish to be rude, but it has been a very long time. Might we be seeing our waiter any time soon?”
“Not to fret. He’ll be coming shortly.”
“Keep your pie hole shut” said Gem, in the general direction of Molly who had started to snigger.
“Oh don’t worry honey. I’ve been forbidden from using my big sexy pie hole since that group of politically correct ponies took my blog down. In fact, I haven’t been able to utilize any of my big sexy ho-”
“Molly please curb your tongue” said the always polite Dr. Wolf.
It didn’t help matters in his opinion that Discord had so rudely made those sexual remarks about Twilight, and he fully intended to discuss it further with him if he could ever get him in for a session.
“Well whatever the case” said Elly, “it was a rather confusing bit of literature.”
“I agree” said Octavia. “Most strange indeed. Yet I suppose we should expect no less from the master of chaos should we?”
Discord looked proud.
“I can’t say I entirely appreciated the way you had me talking like an idiot” said Vinyl, who was snorting some stuff she had smuggled into the cafe. “Want some?” Vinyl asked Nowa.
“No thanks man” said Nowacking, who seemed uneasy about Vinyl’s drug habit.
“You sure? It will totally blow your mind.”
“Gem quickly, put something in my mouth before I say something I’ll regret” said Molly.
“Have a banana” said Gem, grabbing one of the yellow fruits from a basket on a shelf behind her.
“A banana? Why do I even try?”
“I didn’t want the story to be too risque” said Discord. “But you are allowed at least one use of a dirty word in stories for teen foals.”
“Well regardless” said Dr. Wolf, “I can’t say I’ll be recommending this story to just anypony. It does have a few rather adult moments. It probably won’t hurt the 16 and up crowd though.”
Discord smiled at Dr. Wolf as the waiter arrived.
“You’re a good friend Mr. Wolf. Perhaps Fluttershy and I can meet you for group therapy?”
“It would be my pleasure. Scribbler can come along too to clear her mind of this stressful ordeal you put her through if she wants. Oh and by the way, call me -”
