MLP Devolved

by AwkwardTaco

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Random, Adventure
Length: 1474

When you thought it couldn't get any better, MLP just got a whole lot simpler and consise.

Sometimes, shows must be slowed down for those who need extra help. Or to simply get the gist across without losing the audience's interest. They must be summarized.

This is the bastardization of that. May God have mercy on your soul.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2014-07-06 07:34:47 UTC

Chapter Uno

So once upon a time, in some place with air, I guess probably Mars or something, we have these two horses who liked to sixty nine because their parents weren’t around when they were kids. The white one probably had to sell drugs or something to support the family, but it’s good honest work. Good family values were learned through that hardship.

So, after the horses were done doing their gross lady stuff, the blue one gets all pissy or something because the pink one probably stole her pizza. Which is understandable because pizza costs a lot these days. So Puma turns into a bad guy called Mightmare Noon and tries to turn off the sun so she can get some goddamn sleep.

The plants were really sad about that, so Incestia was like: “Don’t worry, guys. I control the sun and stuff.” Well, Moonbutt didn’t like that so she tried to sleep somewhere else, but the other guy took some elements like oxygen or whatever to build a rocket ship and send her to space. After that, though, she felt bad because she forgot to pack Noon a lunch so she put a note in her phone to call her home for dinner in a few hundred years.

So, while this is all happening, a purple horse thing called Sparkles is reading a book about it like this is Inception or some shit. She gets all freaked out because she left her microwave on and her hotpocket was going to get too hot and she would have to let it cool down for a few minutes.

A lizard comes in and freaks Sparkles out but it turns out to be okay because they’re friends and lizards don’t eat their friends unless they’re really hungry. The lizard thing gets real pissy with Sparkles, saying she doesn’t have any friends, but it’s ironic because he probably has only her as a friend because he’s a huge dick.

Sparkleton finally gets told to chill the fuck out and get laid or something over at Whoresavania, with the lizard guy coming along because every superhero needs a sidekick. Lizard thing surprises everyone with his ability to read, because usually crack babies can’t read.

Flight 666 lands in Whorseville after killing a few bystanders, mostly prostitutes who were totally asking for that big plane’s D. Twerkhouse Sparkleton hopped off that plane and was all like “what up ma’ nigglets. Sparkles up in this house y’know what I’m sayin’?” And the lord Kentucky Fried Chicken looked down upon her words and deemed them good. But unfortunately, that’s not how people usually make new friends for some fucking reason and everyone was all like, “okay, chill out nigga.” But it was cool because she didn’t want friends anyways, because the pain was so painful.

So then Twerkfactory Sperklord looked down at the grocery list Incestia had given her and was all like “nigga fuck this shit y’know what I’m sayin’? I ain’t no bitches’ sugar daddy, know what I’m sayin’?” Lizard thing was really tired of her bullshit and brought over a good friend, called Punkie Dyke  who was diagnosed with over nine thousand diseases, but not the good kind. She realized she forgot her inhaler after she swallowed some pollen and ran for it, but Twerklight just kept on bitching. Spick, meanwhile sat under a tree looking all grungy and emo and shit because he hadn’t shlicked to some of that Big Horse booty and his ovaries were growling.

But suck-cess! He walked into the house with a bunch of decorations for a Satan summoning party. “What the heck is happening,” he asked and was immediately assaulted by a bunch of tiny horse things.

“Shut the fuck up your oral processing unit plebian. We are summoning our lord and savior Windows XP,” said a marshmallow fageutte with teeth the shape of curly fires. Spick took one look at the female Edward Cullen and proceeded to cream his love tunnel like it was Viagra Falls. Twilurght Urkel, still pissy about leaving her basement, decided to totally burst in and was all like: “Nigga, the fuck is this hoe ass shit.” With that, some pink faggot named Creampie Pie came out of nowhere and threw a condom full of skittles and semen at Twinkie Spanker’s face.

“Surprise, motherfucker, I’m just so fucking random,” said Scripted Comedy Relief. Spike wasn’t impressed. “Zero out of five, you have no booty.” Twurlurght managed to book a hotel on Priceline and wanted to sleep off her hangover that she just got, but then she remembered she had to go and pick up some moonshine from rednecks.  So then Twinkle Taint and Spike went out to the boondocks to get some wee- I mean booze. They passed by the hoods where Spick had to suck off a couple gangbangers to let them pass, and came out into some farmland where they spotted a pony under a tree reading a book.

“Girl how the fuck is you readin’ a book? You don’t got no ways to turn that shit.” Said Tourette's Syndrome. The reading pony looks up with a deadpan stare that could kill a necrophile and stated “I use my hooves to hold up the book, and I turn it using my muzzle, you dumbass.”

“What muzzle, I don’t see no Glock on you, nigga. What you tryin’ to say?” It was then that Applejacks Cereal slammed her head against the desk, made a noise somewhere between an orgasm and a burp and promptly shat herself. All in a hard day’s work for the Apple family.

“So I heard you had…” Spick looked around to make sure there were no cops around. “...apples.” Lizard thing loved apples, especially when he shoved them in unforgivable places. His greedy mouth was salivating at the thought of smoking apples and snorting apples and injecting apples into his track marked legs because all the veins in his arms had collapsed.

Luckily for Spick, the whole Apple Family Mafia was there to celebrate the day they all had that really cool family orgy but forgot to record it because they left the camcorder in the car. Off screen, we can only assume that Twurlight is trying to make friends with an apple, but she was too strong.

So, she got preggers, much to Spike’s jealousy, and heads home to give birth because she doesn’t believe in modern medicine. But on her way to give birth, she sees some birds and knew that fried chicken would be good for her spawn. And for some reason, there's a horse/bird thing named Butterfly who was teaching her bird pals how to sing Together Forever by Rick Astley, a god among men.

Of course, after Twilight realized that this person was autistic and had no social skills whatsoever, crossed her off her list of potential butt buddies. She also somehow had given birth in the bushes and sent her offspring to cause the universe stress for decades to come. The extent of property damage and deaths caused by the quadruplets is still being calculated.

Hoping to sleep off the birthing pains, Sporkle heads to her hotel in hopes of soft mattresses and shitloads of morphine. But much to her dismay, Scripted Comedic Relief had gotten there first. “Laugh out loud, I made this party for you because your new and stuff. I am so random.”

Twilight was done with all that partying shit because she always got the cup with roofies and headed up to her room where she searched furiously for some sort of pornographic material. With her search ending up fruitless, she decided that all there was left to do was get off on staring at the moon because it had a horse face or something.

Time skip because the show has a budget thinner than shoestrings. A buttload of horse things are preparing their final ceremony to summon the bastard child of Cthulu and Baal, who is a pretty decent guy once you get to know him. Mayor Female Horse was ready to pour the goat semen when all of a sudden she realizes she’s not into this cult shit. Instead she introduces everyone to their new deity, Firelord “Satan” Celestia.

Many miles away in sphess, Moonbutt was having this totally tubular snooze session when she realizes the faggots downstairs were causing a big fuss. She went down there to tell the damn kids to get the hell of her property, but then she realized she was still buttmad at Incestia for eating her pizza.

After drunkenly spewing a speech about whales and the moon or something, she vanishes with Incestia, determined to fulfil her lustful desires.

Twilight and the Generic Pals make it their duty to go find Incestia and bring her back for the bitchin’ afterparty they have planned.