Who needs ponies?

by ForgottenBackgroundPony

Rating: mature
Tags: Dark, Romance, Comedy, Adventure
Length: 3204

Re-written A random bloke has an accident in his living room and ends up in a land of talking technicolor ponies

A random bloke has an accident in his living room and ends up in a land of talking technicolor ponies
This won't end well

Romance for IF I get to it, if the story doesn't get there or doesn't head that direction I will remove it

Something quick if you don't like it tell me why and how to improve it, Thanks.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2014-10-12 20:49:37 UTC

Game over, man!

(Chapter One - Game Over, Man!)

Click! Boom! Bang-bang-bang! Ratatatatatatatatata!

"Yeah, son! That's what you get! That's what you get!", I yelled down my microphone as I landed yet another headshot on another unsuspecting player. Never before have I had such an awesome killing spree like this while playing my favorite action-shooter game, but I guess since it's my birthday today it's just one of those 'lucky day' superstitions come true.

I shift my attention away from the screen momentarily as I camp my avatar in a safe spot, so I can reach down to the side of my chair and grab my soda can. To my annoyance, it's empty when I pick it up. I sighed. "Hey guys, give me some covering fire, alright? I'm grabbing another can," I ask into the mic. The sound of my teammates chanting 'Oo-rah!' together from the television screen means I can go and get my drink, safe in the knowledge that the enemy team won't be scoring an extra point so easily in my absence.

Or so that was what I assumed, until I back back to the game with my cold soda, to find my avatar lying on the ground dead, an opponent teabagging his corpse.

"What the hell, guys? I thought you all had me covered!" I yelled into my microphone, quickly grabbing my controller before I respawned.

"Meh, saw a shiny weapon. Wanted it," replied someone on my team.

Irritated about losing my killing spree, but determined to get back on track, my screen was finally clear of blood and guts, and I resumed playing the game. I spotted an enemy literally seconds from coming back in, and I immediately hit the crouch button on my pad. The poor guy had no idea I was there, so sneaking up on him was easy.

But just before I was going to assassinate him, the television flickered, and instead of seeing my enemy's dead body bleeding out on the floor, I instead found myself looking at a colorful screen showing techni-color ponies and rainbows.

"GOD DAMN IT!", as I shot a hand underneath my butt, fishing out the remote. "Guys, I'll be with you in a minute!", I said into my mic. Since the channel had been changed, I didn't hear a response from my friends, assuming they even gave me one. I pointed the remote at the screen as I narrowed my eyes at the picture it displayed.

"Stupid show. I don't even like My Little Pony," I muttered as I tapped a few buttons. Nothing happened, and I began to get angry. Here I was fiddling with a remote, while some noob was probably having his way with my avatar back in the game. In a fit of gaming rage, I knocked out the batteries to see if they were dead or something, because the channel still had not changed.

"Come on! Change the stupid channel already! I don't want to watch some stupid cartoon about stupid ponies!"

For whatever reason possibly logical, I think my television heard me, because at that comment of mine the whole thing suddenly began to shake violently, and I found myself watching the hovering and twitching right before my eyes. As anyone would have done in a situation like that, I freaked out and grabbed the nearest object to me in case the television was going to attack me or something. I found myself grabbing a crossbow toy that I bought as a collector's item from a convention once.

Despite knowing it was just a toy and not a real weapon, I pointed the thing at the possessed television, as it started to glow a strange multitude of colors. The next moment, and the last thing I remember, the damn thing flew right at me, and slammed right into my chest, and I blacked out

Well shit...

(Chapter Two - Well shit...)

"Twi shouldn't we put it out of its misery?" An orange blob questioned with quite a south American drawl Man my eyes need to focus quicker.. WAIT WHAT?

"Hey I'm alright you know" I shot at them rubbing my eyes unconvincingly

"Eep! It... spoke.." Yeesh so scared, yeah like I'm gonna jump up and start to eat you all right now I thought while making munching noises in my head when suddenly I heard a popping noise from nearby and aslo the feeling of another set of eyes on me

'POP'

"Celestia I see you got my message."

"Indeed I did Twilight."

Dafuq? I think to myself as I try and process what I had just heard. Wait Twilight? the only place I heard that was...

"...HOLY SHIT!" I shout as I jump to my feet which thankfully causes my eyes to focus, but not on what I wanted to see because what I saw worried me. I saw that I was inside what seems to be a throne room with six thrones and one smaller throne and standing near me where seven technicolor ponies and a baby dragon from that sissy's TV show.

"How the fuck is this possible!" I shout scaring the ponies while picking up furniture and throwing it around the room. Screaming in a rage, I see I am scaring the ponies I look at the eight creatures and notice a couple of them crying and the others looking on in disgust while a very regal white looking one lighting up her horn I realize she is charging up to shoot me with something, being the tough guy I am I ran out the room shouting.

"SEE-YA-GOTTA-GO-BAI!" at the top of my lungs. Running through the white halls I hear a voice in my head

Great job Jack you have failed at something once again.

And what would that be exactly?

Escaping HAH

I turned around to see a cyan pony with wings flying after me, but being the quick thinking little sod I am, I froze still just long enough for it to hit me in the chest. Launching me back into a wall causing a 'SNAP' to come from my back. The little cyan pony punched me in the chest a few times until I heard a 'CRACK' come from one of my ribs. Hearing this it tried to hit me in the face caching it's hoofs I return the favour by going 'Sparta' on its ass, after kicking it back I tried to stand but only to have it jump me again and start pounding me until my saving grace came along

"RAINBOW DASH STOP THIS AT ONCE!" Hearing the voice this 'Rainbow Dash' climbed off of me, allowing me to see a dark blue pony like the regal white one from earlier before, I felt a strange sensation all over me, and we were back in the throne room.

"WHO ART THOU!?" the blue one roars at me, but before I could answer the smaller purple regal pony screamed to 'Rainbow Dash'

"Look at it it's bleeding! WHAT DID YOU DO RAINBOW?" and then dragging the cyan pony to the side. They started to argue about something, looking down I notice my nose streaming with a double nose bleed causing me to laugh like a lunatic

"Hah, I've had *COUGH* ow worse, *COUGH* ow that *COUGH* hurts and *COUGH* *HACK* *SPUTTER*" I say before coughing up a large puddle of blood and a little bit of bone, which I picked up and said "That shouldn't be there..." All the while the others looking on with a look of shock, disgust and a hint of fear. The white pony turns to me and asks if I'm alright to which I look at it and say "Do I look alright to you? And if I'm not mistaken, this is part of my RIBCAGE!!" holding up the bone fragment. My body at this point decides I've had enough adrenaline for now and for the pain to emerge fully, my eyes widen and I scream clutching my chest while lying on the floor coughing up blood "Bloody *PANT* pony I must *PANT* have a bust *PANT* lung." I pass out just after the new found voice in my head adds it's input

Bye bye...

Home?

(Chapter Three - Home?)

After a few hours of being out cold, I wake up to being clamped to a chair by some glow-y yellow orbs around my hands

"Hello strange being, I am Princess Twilight Sparkle and I am very happy you aren't dead. Please tell me what species are you?" The purple regal looking one states/ asks to me but instead of answering her question I just give her a deadpan look as if to say 'You should bloody know' but after a confused look from her I answer with a question of my own

"Why don't you just tell me when can I return to my home?"

"I'll ask the other Princesses, but while I do that, why don't you have a quick chat with spike about making such a mess of my throne room?" she asks/ answers me with a sly look as the baby dragon walks in with a broom and a very pissed look on his face

"Oi, why would you give me such work to do? Do you have any idea what it's like trying to tidy a mess up and then remove blood from a carpet?" I just give him a look of disappointment and then I notice a large blood splatter on his pink apron I sigh

"Why don't you force a horse..." I start

"Pony..." The baby dragon interrupts

"Pony to help you out then?" I finish

"Because that's not how friendship works!" He says in disgust towards me

"What? That's how it worked back home. Anyway, I know how to get blood out of carpets and clothes" I say in a very matter-of-fact way "All you have to do is get a tablespoon of salt and pour it into water mix them together and pour a little bit of washing up liquid in and then you just have to soak it in the water for a couple of hours, remove then dry it slowly."

"Wow I... er... well thanks... I guess." he stutters out then goes off to try it. After what felt like hours the cyan pony comes in to wherever I was

"If you're here to finish me off hurry it up I don't want to be waiting forever." I say bitterly towards it, but to my shock it says this instead of hitting me:

"I'm sorry..."

WAT??

"P..pardon?"

I'm sorry all right? I thought you wanted to harm us so I acted rashly but what you just did to help spike I.. I... I don't know all right so SORRY now shut up!" she says. I assume they are female because of their voices

"Okay, that is way too weird first you try to kill me then, I survive somehow then, you APOLOGIZE?!"

Shut up retard she might attempt to kill you.. actually carry on I'm sure it'll be fine

Sarcastic cunt

As she leaves she steppes to the side for Princess Sparkle to enter with a grave look on her face

"What's up with you?" I ask half heartedly

"Well, we have talked about it and Conversed with some of our top scientific advisers and we don't seem to be able to send you back..."

"WHAT!!" I shout feeling my eye start to twitch "Quick favor can you lock me in a room with something you want broken please?"

"No, why?" she says as an Einstein like pony comes into the room "Perfect timing Mr Evocation"

"Mr Evocation?"

"He is our magical adviser" she says with a little grin "If anypony can get you home Mr Mystic Evocation can."

"Okay, I'm officially crazy, First, I see my TV fly at me then, I see TALKING FUCKING HORSES WITH WINGS AND/OR HORNS AND NOW YOU SAY THAT THERE IS MAGIC!" I am starting to loose it again at this point, so I stand up and jump down Breaking the chair into pieces Then jumping through the large ass window next to me

Big mistake! I think before falling what seems to be four stories before landing face first into a rose bush and causing my nose to bleed again as well as my arms to start bleeding I stand up to see a small town with a lot more talking horses so I run for my life.

Thinking hurts

(Chapter Four - Thinking hurts)

As I ran for my life one single thought played through my head I'm so dead when they find me! but being so preoccupied with this I didn't notice that I was being followed by a cyan Pegasus who had a very pissed look upon her muzzle. after about three blocks I finally noticed I was being chased so I decided now would be the perfect time to parkour out of there, reaching the rooftops I continued running while shouting at the mare all forms of profanities and cusses I know,

"Why are you running from me?" she shouts after me

"Because you probably want to beat the shit out of me like earlier?!" I shout back as he reached a crossroads looking left then right he noticed that they both lead to trees so he ran right Right is right... right?

Never think or say something like that again, it bloody hurts.

Shut up crybaby I retorted within my mind. As I ran I started to notice I was running out of roofs to get to and they were getting further and further apart but the realization only hit me AFTER I fell between two of the buildings and landed in a hay stack realizing the cock up I made the stupid pony managed to find me and proceeded to land on top of me painfully I might add. When she landed on me she told me that she just wanted to talk to me and her friends wanted to help me get home but what I did was disgraceful and so she slapped me [well the pony equivalent anyway] then jumped off me and headed out of the alleyway leaving me alone.

"Perfect. Now I get to find a place to hide." I said to myself as I got up and exited the alleyway. As I left the alleyway I finally got a good look around, I seemed to be in a small village with hay-thatched roof buildings and a lot of multicolor ponies staring at me making me uncomfortable so I looked for somewhere to hide. The nearest building was a strange gingerbread looking house type thing which had all of those six menaces walking into it. Not wanting them to find me I started walking the opposite direction towards a dangerous looking forest.

"Hey mister don't go in there!" called a very worried looking grey Pegasus with paggered eyes wearing a mailman type costume and a few bubbles as an ass tattoo "Don't you know not to go into the Everfree forest? It has all kinds of nasty things. Evil things. That forest is evil mister!"

"Thanks for the concern but no no one has told me about it but don't worry I'll be fine and why aren't you making a beeline around me like everyone else?"

"Because I am very strange looking myself and I don't judge by looks because of it." She explained with a happy look "I'm really happy you didn't make fun of my eyes when I spoke to you. But I have to ask why?"

"Because I have a mental condition not a physical one and I know all about how it feels to be made fun of for it." I answered with a smile and continued heading towards the 'Everfree' as she called it. I walked for a while without being interrupted until I actually entered the forest and had a feeling like I was being watched. Walking ahead for a while I noticed a thing glint out of the corner of my eye, so like any intelligent person who has played a many of horror video games and watched a wide variety of horror movies would do, I walked straight at it wondering to myself as I walked: Why am I doing this I must be so retarded to think that straying from the path in a "Evil forest" is a good idea? but like any good human my curiosity won against my common sense and I continued towards what seemed to be a chunk of metal sticking out of the ground. believing no harm could come of pulling out of the ground I did just that I pulled it out of the ground... releasing the ground around me... to fall... a long way... taking me with it. so I did the thing any of you in my situation would do, I screamed like a little girl falling down a deep vertical tunnel to what seemed to be certain death.

"I'm gonna die! I'm gonna die! Oh god no SOMEONE HELP ME!" I called out to anyone who might be listening. Thankfully these ponies have someone who watches over them because I stopped before I hit the ground by about an inch by a cushion of air that suddenly dissipated smacking me down onto the floor hurting like hell. I don't know how long I was down there but I lay there just contempt in being alive for the moment just before realizing where I was, sitting up in panic and then immediately regretting my choice because a massive wave of vertigo hit me knocking  on my ass. After I hit the floor for god-knows-how-many-times today I decided to take a look around. I was sitting in a large room but not large enough to be called big, just large enough to be what I assumed to be around a 7 meters wide by 12 meters deep by 5 meters tall with a small box at the other end of the room just waiting to be "Indiana Jones'd" and opened so Being the smart person I am I checked for any traps that I could see before hearing a gruff but in a sense soft and kinda strange voice say in my head

"Don't worry my friend I won't try to booby trap you I know full well what it is like to be trapped by those ponies. I only wish to help you get accustomed to life here quicker."

"What is in there?" I asked the strange voice

"Only what you would want to help you live here easier, my friend." the voice said from behind me but as I turned to look I saw only a wall so I turned back only to find the box to now be a chest and be right in front of me with a Christmas present type bow around it. "Here I even wrapped it for you." To which I shrugged and opened it only to find the thing that I would truly find the most useful in my time here and also something which I would much more protective against the ponies