The Moon is Made of Cheese, A Crackfic

by Crystal Static

Rating: teen
Tags: Princess Luna, Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Cheese Sandwich, Nightmare Moon, Random, Princess Celestia, Pinkie Pie, Sex
Length: 1064

Princess Luna doesn't know that the moon is made of cheese, whatdo?

The Moon is made of cheese, everypony knows this...

well... everypony besides Princess Luna. So ensues a tale of love, loss, life, death, happyness, anger, war and a bunch of pastel colored ponies.

This is my first, and probably only, crackfic.

Published 2014-07-08 04:40:09 UTC
Last updated 2014-07-08 04:40:09 UTC

Just a crackfic, deal with it

The moon is made of cheese, everypony except Princess Luna knows that, but nopony has the… erm… well… balls to tell her though. But you may ask, 'how many balls does a pony need to be able to break it to Nightma- I mean Princess Luna, Royal Regent of Giant Balls of Cheese?', but to answer that, you must first ask yourself, 'how many balls does the average pony have?', and the answer to that is zero point one two seven, since Equestria is about seven eighths mares. But back to the point, a pony would need to have at least seven balls to be able to break it to Moon-ass.

But yeah, the incredibly trim and beautiful Princess Luna, with her cerulean mane and foal like physique (pre-season two bitches!), doesn't know that her moon is made of cheese. It has actually been theorized that the only way for a pony to have seven balls would be if their parents were earth ponies who rolled around in biological waste from the manticore breeding facility that Princess 'Fat Flanks' Celestia denies ever existing, and then ate nothing but changeling flesh and fifty proof vodka three meals a day for the entire third month of pregnancy. Pinkie Pie is the only spastic ball of ADD, I mean earth pony, willing to try this, so Princess Sun-butt gave her a half a million bits to find another earth pony to 'forincate with thy stallion until preggers' (Rainbow Dash's terminology, this was after she marathoned through 'Ye olde speaking week' on the germane commercials channel on her cloud television- don't ask how a cloud television works, because the only ponies who know the answer work for google- she also has PonyTiVo so she could record everything and watch it again). So back to the point, Pinkie Pie was given a shitload of money to have a seven testicle'd foal so the foal could grow up to the legal age of thirteen (pony society is weird like that, they also have the lowest percentage of pediphiles per citizen of any country in all of Equiis), so the foal could, as it's sole purpose in life and the only reason why it was ever conceived, tell Princess Lunanari that the moon is made of cheese.

So Pink ADD Poster Pony finds Cheese Sandwich, the earth pony she inspired to be as ADD as she was, and fucks him so hard he actually dies from a broken pelvis that was left untreated, but since nopony cares about Cheese Sandwich, nopony really was affected by his death. Eleven months later, Pinkie Pie gives birth to a bouncing baby… krogan… which was born with seven testicles. The krogan was named 'Urdnot Wrex' out of homage to Pinkie Creampie's favorite video game that she wouldn't know about if she didn't break the fourth wall like Applejack fulfills her apple fetish (I walked in on her once, she had seven apples crammed up her ass, one in her mouth like a roast pig, and she was tied up on a silver tray surrounded by apple garnishes while her cousin Redneck Cowboy Apple Pony Who Might Secretly Be Gay tickled her unmentionables with a turkey baster).

Urdnot Wrex grew up to be a strong krogan, he killed many foes in battle during recess at Cherilee's school of keeping the foals busy so the parents could go do adult pony stuff and made his clan proud. Eventually he fell in love with a pony named 'Cardboard Cutout Generic Bitch Number Six', and tried to woo her. She wasn't interested and broke one of his three hearts when he asked her to fuck. He learned that generic stereotype sexy bitches are real assholes, and that you are better off fapping to internet porn than trying to get laid.

Eventually he turned thirteen, and was taken to Canterlot to fulfill his lifelong duty. He fell for Princess Luna and pulled a James Cameron's Avatar and didn't tell her until it would incite a full blown war, when he could have told her early on without causing said war. Moon-ass became Nightmare Cheeseball and tried to blot out the sun with the moon. Princess Sunnyflanks got mad, cranked the sun up to eleven, and turned the moon into nacho sauce, which then fell from orbit and landed on Griffonia, killing all the griffons and allowing the ponies to move into the land without having any border disputes that would have otherwise occured. Nightmare Cheeseball was then banished to Mount Fondoom for a thousand years, and the ponies of Equestria and the newly formed colony of Ceddarcheesia had nachos and grilled cheese sandwiches until they were all super constipated.

The entire next decade would be called 'The Era of the Suppository' in the years after Nightmare Cheeseball returns from her banishment. Urdnot Wrex died from holding it in for too long, along with one third of the pony population, so he never had to deal with Cutie Mark Failure Insanity Syndrome over the fact that his cutie mark was for telling Princess Luna that her moon was made of cheese. Pinkie Pie became the town whore, eventually having twenty-seven more krogan children (she thought krogans were more fun than ponies, so she had more), who eventually grew up and had a few hundred children of their own, and then went to war with all of Equiis and won. Pinkie Pie's only regret was that there weren't any salarians or turians to create a genophage to prevent the krogans from breeding to the point where they couldn't be fought back. All other sapient races, and the apple family, were killed off in the global takeover, so at least nopony had to live without their loved ones. I would say that they are all happy in pony heaven, but only closed-minded-hardcore-christian ponies believe in pony-heaven, and as I am not one of those, I will just say that they are all dead and gone, buried in the mass graves dug by the krogan menace. On the plus side, the krogans all eventually nuked themselves out of existence, allowing other species to evolve on Equiis.

Deal with it.

Author's Note

This is my first, and probably only, crackfic.

I wasn't really trying, and I was literally writing out of my ass the entire time.