Twilight Sparkle Solves Carnivory

by Between Lines

Rating: everyone
Tags: Comedy, Cutie Mark Crusaders, Princess Celestia, Twilight Sparkle, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 2040

Sick of the divisions between carnivores and herbivores, and eager to prove herself as a princess, Twilight creates a way to produce meat without harming a single living thing. Her only mistake is sharing it with the world.

It seemed like such a noble goal to Twilight: bring herbivores and carnivores together by finally destroying the ethical cost of meat.

She would be lauded by history as the greatest agent of harmony, not that it would matter to her. All that would matter to her is that she'd finally performed an act worthy of an Equestrian princess.

All it had to do was work.

Published 2014-07-07 19:40:05 UTC
Last updated 2014-07-07 19:40:05 UTC

The Legendary Tale of Twilight Sparkle, May None Forget Her Name

"Princess Celestia! You actually made it!" Twilight Sparkle bounced about, her wings flapping like an excited chicken despite the crowd of reporters shuffling anxiously before her. Above her, a banner hung from shining brass polls, the words 'behold the future' emblazoned on the gently waving fabric. Off to the side, the other elements of harmony smiled warmly in support of their friend.

"Of course, Princess Twilight." Celestia bowed, Twilight flushing and rushing to bow as well. "I would never question your judgement on the future of Equestria. If you say it is an effort of such gravity as to demand my presence, then I have no choice but to appear."

"Thank you for your support, Princess." She finally rose from her bow, and turned a warm smile first upon her friends, then upon the crowd. "Thank you all for your support. I know I've only been a princess a short time, especially compared to my forebears, but with the faith and confidence everypony has shown in me, I have every hope of reaching the same heights as my peers." There was a solid wave of appluause from the crowd, and Twilight blushed even more. Slowly, she waved their applause down."Today, I hope to make a leap towards that goal, but in order to understand just what I hope to accomplish, I think everypony could use a little background..." With a flare of her horn, a glowing presentation screen popped into existence beside her.

Everypony immediately groaned.

"Hey!" Twilight snapped, her voice slipping into its familiar role of 'annoyed librarian.' "My lectures are not boring! They're a cornucopia of fascinating facts woven around a narrative that is an educational adventure!"

"You know," Rainbow muttered quietly from the sidelines, "I knew seeing Twilight read a book called 'adventures in teaching' was gonna end badly."

"Rainbow!" Rarity hissed, delivering a delicate yet firm hoof upside Rainbow's head. "Don't be rude! Twilight's trying to better the pony condition. You could at least show some respect by listening."

"Oh, just like you?" Rainbow shot back.

"I... well... of course like me!" Rarity quickly got her floundering confidence under control.

"Uh huh, then what did Twilight just say?" Rainbow leaned back with a smug grin as the color drained from Rarity's face. How color could drain from white fur, however, would probably make a good topic for Twilight's next lecture.

"W-well, she just..." Rarity struggled for a second longer, before huffing and falling into a pout. "Fine, perhaps she can be a bit obtuse when it comes to her audience." As if on cue, a loud snore erupted from somewhere amidst the listening ponies. It quickly ended in a startled snort as one of Twilight's note cards found itself levitated directly into his mouth.

"As I was saying," Twilight drew herself up and cleared her throat, before again resuming her soporific lecture on what appeared to be the structure of the equine duodenum.

"This reminds me of the paint wall." Pinkie whispered softly, her bouncy curls perilously close to critical body failure. "I mean, it's always super duper important to support your bestest friends in the world, but this is really boring."

"I kinda have to agree, Sugarcube." Applejack shook her head, her eyes wandering briefly up to her stetson as she contemplated whether or not she could pull it down for a nap. "She's really got herself wrapped up in this little project of hers."

"Five bits says it some boring law or something." There was a soft smack, and Rainbow shot Rarity a glare. "Hey, just calling it like I see it!"

"Rainbow, she's right there!" Rarity pointed at the mare in question, Twilight now pointing out key aspects of an inscrutable line chart. "Can you imagine how hurt you'd be if your friends were ignoring your big day?"

"Big day is right. I mean, how long have we been here already?" Rainbow briefly glanced at her hoof, before remembering the only watch she'd owned had been drawn on. "Uuuugh, it feels like forever."

"Maybe it is forever." Pinkie's voice had dropped to a soft mutter, her hair finally hanging limp. "How do we know it hasn't? I think... I think I remember fun. Do I? Was there fun? Or was it merely the fleeting echos of a half forgotten dream, muttered twixt those ephemeral hours of slides thirty five and thirty six?"

"Okay, yeah, I think we're starting to lose it." Rainbow made to get up, only for a field of azure magic to sit her back down.

"Honestly!" Rarity's head whipped between Pinkie and Rainbow. "You two are worse than the cutie mark crusaders! Just sit still and respect your friend like proper ladies."

"I hope Scoots remembers me when I'm gone." Rainbow groaned. "Just think, speedster hero slain by boredom."

"Where, um, are they?" Fluttershy piped up, her voice only barely audible above Twilight's background drone. "The crusaders I mean?"

Apple Bloom sighed, the act spraying up a choking cloud of dust. She hacked for a few seconds, forced to spit out the pudding cup she'd been using to dig, then quickly waved her friends forward. A dim green glow filled the tunnel as Sweetie Belle advanced, leading a noticeably claustrophobic Scootaloo.

"Pegasai weren't meant to dig, Apple Bloom! I don't wanna die down here!" She huddled against herself, eyes glaring at the low ceiling as though it were some terrible maw of fangs.

"Y'all are welcome to go back," Apple Bloom snapped, her words immediately cowing the Pegasus. "Me, though, I wanna see my home again." Her voice softened, and she suddenly hugged all her friends close. "I want all of us to see home again."

"You really think she'd go on forever?" Sweetie Belle whispered.

"I reckon she just might. Now I need another pudding cup. How many we got left?" Apple Bloom sighed, taking one last look at her former digging implement, its cracked rim now useless for scooping dirt.

"Two, and they're both strawberry." Sweetie pulled a face. "I hate strawberry."

"Well, I bet you hate growing up in a folding chair too." Apple Bloom nodded resolutely. "We have to keep going, strawberry or no."

"Do you think Rainbow will be okay?" Scootaloo whimpered, until Apple Bloom's hoof pulled her close.

"She's gonna be fine, Scoots," Apple Bloom said. "She's a big mare, she can handle herself."

"I'm dyyyyying," Rainbow moaned. "I can feel the boredom coursing through my veins like the venom of the rare gold scaled death adder of the Tlextila jungle!"

"I must concede," Rarity muttered, her eyes drooping dangerously, "even my endurance is beginning to flag."

"Time is an illusion," whispered Pinkie, "lunchtime doubly so."

"Ain't it time for lunch yet?" Applejack glared up towards the sun. "Or, I dunno, a stretch?"

"And now, to the point of this event!" Every head in attendance snapped up at Twilight's words, as though they'd been doused straight into a glacial river atop the very pole of the world. "As I've shown, the divide between herbivores and carnivores has long been one only barely bridged, preventing a proper flow of culture and communication between the two. Today, I change all that. Today, I present the olive branch that will finally bring our two societies together... in harmony." At her words, the massive stage backdrop opened.

And deathly silence fell.

"Oh sweet Celestia, what is that?" Though the words were spoken by only one within the crowd, their sentiment was mirrored on every face present.

"It's a meat tree!" Twilight declared, gesturing at the twisted, pulsing abomination that appeared to be bleeding all over the stage.

There was nothing. Nary a single sound rose from those ponies in attendance. Then, the first one vomited, his once wholesome lunch of oats and barley voided all over the pony in front of him. Struck by the smell--and in some cases the actual vomit--another dozen ponies began to heave their food all over the ground. Within seconds a terrible domino effect had begun, the filthy sea of emesis washing out like the blast wave of some foul explosion. A terrible symphony of liquid noises and horrified screams rose before the Princess Twilight Sparkle, who could only watch as the situation spiraled out of control.

"Rarity! Take my hoof!" Rainbow screamed, flying overhead as Rarity clung desperately to the top of her chair.

"Rainbow, I--" She extended her hoof, only for another wave of the smell to hit her, and force said hoof back to her mouth as she turned a deep seafoam green. "Oh Celes--" She hunched over and heaved into the sea of sloshing digestive fluid slowly rising around her, even as her chair started to sink into the rapidly softening ground.

"Rarity, come on!" Rainbow tried to lift her underneath her forehooves, but dodged back as another wave of vomiting wracked her. "Watch it! Don't splash me!"

"It's too late for me." Rarity declared, her eyes watering both from the smell and her own dramatic sacrifice. "Save the others!" With a final moan, she slumped against the back of the chair, upsetting its balance on the now muddy ground and pitching herself into the horrific slurry of soil and half digested daisies.

"Eeeuuuuggghh," Rainbow winced. "Sorry Rares." She flew up higher to get a better impression of the disaster. And a disaster it was: everywhere, the tide of upchucking continued to spread, the ground turning any number of unsavory colors as more and more ponies were overwhelmed by the reeking deluge. Those pegasai that tried to fly away were simply caught by the rising stench and forced to spew on those below in a terrible lukewarm rain. And in the middle of it all, Twilight Sparkle looked on in horror. "Twilight, do something!"

"I-I... this wasn't supposed to happen!" Twilight could only watch as even her stately mentor leaned over the stage and doused some poor mare in an alicorn's worth of used orange juice and tea. "I was supposed to bring about a golden age!"

"I'd call it more green-brown," Pinkie quipped, her spirits revitalized by so much excitement.

"Wait!" Twilight glanced at Pinkie and Rainbow. "Why aren't you two throwing up?"

"Month old gym bags." Rainbow answered.

"A lifetime of baked bads." Pinkie said.

"I see." She briefly wondered at her own immunity, until her gaze strayed over the meat tree, which she had become totally indifferent to over months of work. "Alright, I may have lost perspective on this one. Think Twilight, how are you going to stop this? There has to be a solution!"

"So," Luna said, sitting beside her still somewhat pungent sister, "you made every equine unable to vomit."

"I, uh," Twilight giggled nervously, "it seemed like a really good idea at the time."

"Might I suggest updating your definition of 'good?'" Though her voice was serious, a small smile tugged at Luna's lips. "Though I suppose worse things have happened than removing 'puke' from the common vernacular."

"I just... I was going to bring the world together, and I nearly tore it apart." Twilight let out a heavy sigh. "Rarity still isn't talking to me, and the crusaders nearly drowned. I still have no idea what they were doing in a tunnel to begin with."

"I understand what it can be like to make a poor decision," Luna replied, her smile becoming gentle and soft. "Probably better than most. As far as our transgressions go, I'd say you've come out the better. You shall recover, as will your friends."

"Besides," Celestia cut in, still slightly green, "the affair wasn't a total loss. Several prominent authorities on carnivore and herbivore relations have seized on your meat tree presentation as a powerful piece of performance art. Admittedly, they do see the tree as a--quote--screaming indictment of our attempts to force herbivore norms upon carnivores." She smiled softly. "You may yet achieve the very goal you set out for."

"That's good I suppose." Twilight scratched her head. "I'm still not sure about replanting the tree in the Everfree, though."

"Don't worry about that, Twilight." Celestia giggled. "How do you think the Everfree got that way in the first place?"