saint

by thatguy45

Rating: mature
Tags: Adventure, Crossover, Dark, Alternate Universe, Human, Comedy
Length: 2272

the main character from saints row 3 goes to equestria.

the main character from saints row 3, after killing kia and saving shaundi, everything is happily ever after right?

not in this fan fiction. the bombs still go off and rocket the main character (lets call him saint) into equestria. with only the weapons he had then and the clothes on his well sculpted back, he has to go through some pretty crazy shit to get back home.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2015-01-30 04:58:08 UTC

chapter 1

“Come on, saint, you know you can’t win. I have shaundi and you can’t stop me from blowing up this statu-" kia’s rant was ended quickly by a burst of togo-13 fire to her head. As she dropped Shaundi, Kinzie came in on the phone,

“Boss, I messed up! You got rid of the outside bombs, but there’s still a big one inside of the statue! It’s about to go up!” saint knew what he had to do. He quickly grabbed shaundi and threw as far as he could into the surrounding water. Her look of shock as he threw her was more than enough to make up for all the bad stuff. Time seemed to slow down as saint saluted her, and the statue slowly billowed up in flame.

The funeral was somber. All his homeys, fans and even a few enemies showed up. There were a few harsh words spoken, and a few laughs heard here and there. All around there were tears. It seemed that the third street saints were at a breaking point.

THE END

BUUUUUULSHIIIIIT!

***********************************************************************************************************************************************************

Equestria

Saint woke up face down.

“Agh, what the bloody hell was that? Did I drink something?” then the memories of the explosion echoed back into his skull. It felt like he had been blown up and put together in the wrong places. Which might be more accurate than he would have liked.

“T’s obvious that I’m not dead, so where the fuck am I?” he pondered. He felt his phone in his back pocket. He pulled it out and pulled up the map. It read ‘out of range.’ He cursed. It seemed that he was stuck here for a while.

Shining light p.o.v.

Shining light was almost asleep, guarding that cell the strange creature that the royal guards picked up wasn’t appearing to do anything, and he was alone at the moment, so Princess Luna was calling his name. Suddenly he heard, in perfect equestrian,

“Where the fuck am I?”

He jumped up and almost fell out of his chair. He shook his head and said

“Are you awake? You’re not being held prisoner or anything, it’s just that the princesses want to talk to you and we don’t know if you’re dangerous.”

He heard a pause.

“Hmm, it doesn’t seem like your lying so I’ll listen to you. The name’s saint. Yours?” shining was slightly put off by this, he seemed to a heavy phillydelphian accent.

“m-My name is shining light. It’s a pleasure to meet you.” He heard a snigger from the cell, then a bark of laughter.

“That’s your name?! That’s so gay!”

He pouted,

“That’s not nice at all. I didn’t call your name gay. Where do you get off?” he grumbled saddened and somewhat angered by the fact that such a strange creature, who just appeared from out of the blue, had the gall to call his name gay! He had half a mind to-. His silent rant was stopped by saint asking him a question.

“Hey, I don’t want to bother you and for what it’s worth I’m sorry, but do you have some booze?” he blinked and sighed,

“Yeah, I can get you something to drink. No guarantee that it’ll be booze though.” He got up, walked over to the door and left to get a drink. He flinched when he heard a familiar voice.

“Shining light! What are you doing off your post?!”

‘Shit’ he thought “o hai, lieutenant stone wall! The prisoner was asking for a drink, and since no one was around I thought I would get him one…”

‘Then you show up.’ He finished in his thoughts. Lieutenant Stone wall looked him up and down as if he could see if somepony was lying. He then turned around and said,

“Get him his drink and get back to your post.” The lieutenant then walked off. Shining light smiled and went to the kitchen and got a drink, which was, in fact, some vodka, which he filched from the cooks stash. When he got back to the cell he heard a faint snoring. He looked up at the clock and saw that it was 11:30 PM. The next shift should be here soon.

Saint p.o.v.

Agh my head is pounding. Where-? Oh yeah, I’m in that cell in a so far unknown country where everyone has a weird name. This seems like a good time to go over potential strategies. I could, (a wait to be let out and escape then, (b I could bust out guns blazing, or (c I could bribe the guard. Hmm, what a dilemma. I think that B is a good plan. ‘Okay pullout phone, check. Pull up cheats, check, go to weapons, check. Okay give woodsman, give as3 ultimax, give togo, give cyber SMG and blaster, give .45 fletcher, and give satchel charges. Okay that seems about it, now all I need to do is-’

“Hey prisoner!” yelled a gruff and masculine voice. ”the princesses want to see you now! No arguing!” the cell door opened almost blinded me from the sudden flash of light. And lo and behold, before me stood a unicorn, decked out in full medieval armor, spear and all. I sat there for a bit taking this in.

A unicorn.

In armor.

No human,

Just unicorn.

And it apparently can speak.

“Move it prisoner! I have strict orders to bring you to the throne room and I’ll be damned if that doesn’t happen!” he then pulled a spear, with telekinesis no less, and poked it at me. I gave him a glare and got up. He quickly put iron chains on my hands and walked me out of the dungeon. I then began to realize that the creature behind me was not an uncommon occurrence. They were everywhere! As I was led quickly through the maze of corridors in the castle I realized that I was probably being led to my execution. The guard had said that I wasn’t, but if I knew anything, which I do, it’s that any, whatever these things are, can see that I’m dangerous. And my brilliant mind started clicking away thinking of a plan. It all depended on how smart these princesses were. I smiled. This is going to be fun.

Princess Celestia p.o.v.

Celestia was sitting there listening to today’s endless drivel from the nobles. She absolutely hated them and their self-serving laws and regulations. It seemed every time she said no to a bill two more took its place. She sighed for what seemed like the 100th time that day. A guard ran up and whispered something in her ear. She smiled, almost absurdly, and told the guard to bring him in. she told the nobles that day court was postponed until further notice. Most of the nobles stayed, refusing to move until their bill was looked at. She sighed again and said, rather dramatically,

“Bring in the prisoner!”

With that the large doors to the throne room opened. Shortly afterwards four guards walked in front and then came the prisoner. Pretty much all the nobles gasped in shock and horror when they saw the prisoner. Celestia smiled a bit at this. They needed be taken down a peg, at least for a day. No doubt that they would come back full force the next day.

It was true whatever it was, was quite odd looking. like a diamond dog with out fur. Huge, bipedal, and covered in tattoos. He was furless, save for a tuft of pure black on his head. You could see the muscles all over it rippling, almost grossly, with every step he took. He walked just as fast as the guards, almost faster. And his eyes. His eyes were blacker than night with absolutely no pupils, though they looked like he was constantly scheming. She shuddered a bit when he looked directly at her. She shook it off and decided to stop beating around the bush. “Hello prisoner-” he held up a hand and said,

“First of all my name is saint. Second I don’t like being called prisoner, it conveys a sense of ownership. I am owned by no one. And thirdly, the last person to try to own me got a knife in ‘is back. So please continue.”

Princess Celestia blinked. he had an accent. She had not expected this strange creature, apparently by the moniker of saint, to know perfect equestrian. She cleared her throat.

“Mm, yes, well It’s a pleasure to meet you saint. And I would like to ask you a few questions. First of all, how are you feeling?”

He put a hand to his brow and rubbed his eyes.

“To be honest, princess, I appear to be hallucinating every one as sentient ponies. But other than that I’m fine. Peachy even.”

chapter 2

princess celestia, ever the patient one, was caught off guard by the sudden remark.

"y-yes, you are in equestria, the-"

"waitwaitwait, equestria? as in- my little pony, equestria?" he had a look of shock mixed with disgust. "well fuckin' ass." a resounding gasp was heard.

"s-such language!"

"why i never!"

"good Celestia!" said one mare before she fainted.

Celestia shook her head. "now i know that it might be shocking but-"

he gave her the finger, turned around and started walking.

"Saint! if you leave you will be labeled a fugitive!" he stopped.

'I can handle the cops, in whatever universe. he looked around. 'but they do have magic. i don't know if that can actually kill me. damn.'

he turned on his heel and said, "fine fine whatever. can you take the cuffs off? they chafe." he said with an innocent smile. it hurt his face. she nodded towards the guard closest to him, coincidentally the same guard that had given him the drink (i forget his name). if looks could kill, saint would be dead. many times. the second he was free he kicked the pony in the face. actually, he had used a nut kick, but due to the fact that the ponies heads only came to crotch hight, that happened. the pony flopped backwards, stayed in the air for a second, then fell face first.

"pahahahaha!" he gasped. "oh man, that was great." he was met with disproving glares. "uh, i mean... OH NO! my foot's possessed!" no dice.

"apologize!"

"no. fuck you." she face-palmed(hooved) and saint wondered exactly how that was possible, what with hooves and all.

"why are you so mean? what did we do?"

"aside from turning thousands of children gay? lemme think. oh yeah! you locked me up in a dungeon with a bucket and some hay!"

"well, i don't know what you mean by that first comment, but it wasn't me who locked you up. it was the captain of the guard, shining armor."

he made a mental note: find him, and blow his balls off. "so, what now? you gonna throw me back into a cell? cause that ain't gonna happen, lady."

she put a hoof to her chin, like she was actually considering it. it was bullshit, though. "you know, you seem to have a lot of anger issues. a friend of mine once did, but he went to ponyville and he was reformed. can you see where i'm going with this?"

"you want to send me to hell?"

"no, no. nothing that bad. i'm going to send you to ponyville!"

"i guess thats a matter of opinion. so, now, or later?"

"well, that depends. are you willing to totally reform, so that you can integrate into our society?"

"sure, yeah i guess." translation: fuck no. "well, i guess it's time to leave. bye-bye!" translation: holy shit your boring. goodbye!

"bye! guards, please escort saint to the train station!" translation: man, what a douche. i wonder if luna still has some of that grass left?

============

"why are we here again?"

"ugh, i told you three times already! are you sure that you don't have Alzheimers?"

"one hunred percent, twi. speakin' a which, uhhhh..., what where we speaking about?"

"augh! fine! we're here because the princess said that she's sending someone special here, so we have to greet him and possibly make friends with him! there! do i need to write it down?" the newly appointed princess of friendship was, of course, considered a first class grinder, and had made the resident orthodontist a very rich mare. but that's neither here nor there. to be honest, i don't know why i mentioned it in the first place.

"then why talk about it?!"

"what are you talking about, pinkie?"

"i'm not talking to you, i'm talking to the narrator!"

"i don't even... are you high?"

"all the time!"

she was about to yell obscenities at her friend, when the train pulled in. "oh thank god. now i can get this thing into my house and dissect it- i mean teach it the magic of friendship." she was cut short by one of the guards sailing out one of the windows of the train. the six friends entered a combat stance instinctively, and twilight caught a guard to the face.

"son of a nag! why?!"

"i don't know. the prisoners here,  by the way. good luck." mumbled the guard before he slipped into the embrace of lady unconsciousness.

"man, fuck guards. they always try and get in my way." a large foot smashed through the door and out walked the most horrific thing under Celestia's good sun.

"good lord! look at his clothes!" rarity fainted.

he looked down at his jumpsuit. "well, i like it."