The Guy Who Hated Bronies

by Murphster115

Rating: mature
Tags: Adventure, Human, Romance
Length: 3836

A story about a person who despises ponies, then actually becomes one!

Having despised bronies, from 2012 till present, Jack has been summoned by princess Celestia to none other than the magical world of Equestria where he will stay for the rest of his life. He better make this life count…
IMPORTANT!!!: Do NOT read this fic if you are easily offended, This particular story has some crude and racist jokes. THESE JOKES SHOULD NOT BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY, if you can't suck it up and take some punches, this is not the fic for you. Also, this story takes place a long time after season 4 where the CMC are now young adults so anything in season 5 is noncanon to this particular story. Lastly, this isn't a pure human fic, the only human part is in the beginning.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2014-07-09 22:50:03 UTC

Chapter 1: The Happening

Human world

Chesterfield High

2:31 P.M.

I strafed down the narrow hallway, looking for someone in particular. Oh, he is SO gunna get it this time! Stealing MY shit like that! I don't fucking think so! I thought to Myself as I cracked my knuckles. I looked around, trying to see through the endless wall of students. Then, I saw him, he was at his locker which was absolutely covered in stickers of multicolored ponies. He was in the process of grabbing his binder which held a picture of a colorful castle of some kind ever so perfectly fit into the see through folder. I stomped over.

"Hey asswipe, I think you have something of mine!" I said as i reached his locker. He quickly responded

"Oh, I don't believe I have any of you're stuff. You must be mistaken, Jack." The kid contorted matter o' factly.

"You better give me back my shit, or you're gunna force me to get physical on you're fugly ass face!." I threatened. Of course the threat fell on deaf ears. He never listens...

"Like i said, I have nothing of yours Jack-Ass. Now if you would kindly step aside, I have a new episode of mlp to watch when i get home!" He said with a joyful grin as he side-stepped to walk past me. I was furious. I grabbed the neck of his collar and lifted my hand up to make a fist.

"Hey, wait! Before you hit me, can I ask you one more thing?"

"MAKE IT SNAPPY!" I screamed, Now everybody was looking at the scene. I didn't really care, the more the merrier.

"Okay, here i go..."

"...? WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU WAITING ON??!!"

"Nobody."

"THEN WHY AREN'T YOU SAYING ANYTHING??!!!"

"Are you sure you want to hear it??"

"YES!!!!! I, MEAN NO! uh, JUST ASK THE FUCKING QUESTION"

"Okay, here i go..."

"...ASK THE DAMN QUESTION!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Okay... uh... what was I saying?"

"AAaHHHhHhH!!!!!!!"

"Okay, okay! I was just kidding. Okay, here we go..."

"LAST CHANCE YOU CHUBBY PIECE OF SHIT!!!"

"Do you like bananas?"

I was taken aback by the question, but then infuriated me when my brain told me how stupid that particular question was. I pulled my fist back and slammed it hard into his nose. I heard a crack as he fell to the ground in a heap. I looked around, every student was staring at me now. Even some teachers were gawking at me.

I tried to take a step forward, but found that I couldn't for some odd reason. Now everybody was looking at me in pure shock, I spared a look at my feet, to find the utter terror of the fact that they weren't there! I didn't even see stubs, they just weren't there anymore! I tried to scream, but I found that I couldn't talk either! All I could do is watch as my entire body was engulfed by nothing. I closed my eyes as soon as the nothing reached my neck. After it fell past my head, it felt like i was in water, and i couldn't breath. I started to struggle, but to no prevail, as i couldn't move either. But then I felt it, that burning in my lungs.

I needed oxygen.

I panicked, and started squirming with all of my might, but still no results. Damnit, this is like the lamest way to die! I didn't even get my shit back from that guy!!! Hey look, that rhy- WHAT THE FUCK AM I THINKING, I'M FUCKING DYING OVER HERE!!!!! As I slowly ran out of time, my body went limp, then i fell into unconsciousness...

...

I awoke with a start followed by a rapid heartbeat and heavy breathing. My vision was blurred as I blindly looked around the brightly colored room. I couldn't see much, just fuzzy white shapes.  When i finally got my focus back, I looked around some more, my eyes widened. Am I, in a cloud?? My thoughts were interrupted as I heard a sharp clearing of the throat from behind me. Naturally, i turned my head to see the disturbance of the silence. What i saw, almost made made me pass-out.

Sitting upon a cloud-like throne, four long legs connected to a large white torso. On it's butt were pictures of suns, and also a sparkling rainbow tail that ejected from it's rump and flowed freely. Also, there were two massive white wings that had at least a ten foot spread. Farther up the lengthy neck, was a smiling face,  a long, pointy horn, and a dazzling rainbow mane that shared the same characteristics as it's tail.

"You're.. you-..." Was all I could manage to say.

The white thing smiled as she opened her mouth to form letters that would combine to make words that would mash all together to create a sentence with a period at the end, "Hello Jack, Welcome to Equestria."

Chapter 2: Orientation

Equestria?

God Knows Where

Around 3:00 P.M. I guess

I'm... this, this is just a dream, Yeah! Just a dream, only a dream... I'm in dream land! Aw fuck, who am I fooling? This is as real as dicks.

"I, uhh, you... you're a-" I couldn't manage to form normal sentences.

"Go ahead, say it. What am I?" The thing acknowledged me.

should I answer? Aw fuck it, this is weird enough as it is. "You, you're a p-pony?" I find this disturbing that I know this...

"Why are you questioning your answer? Surly you can manage to identify you're own species correct?"

What the hell is she talkin' about? Hopefully not what I think she is... I looked down at my two legs, but got confused as my eyes found twice as much. Oh great, i'm either flat out wasted, or she's right. "What is this??"

"Ah, I believe, you have changed into your pony form when you switched into our world-"

"WHAT??!! THAT MAKES NO GOD DAMN SENSE AT ALL!!!! WHY Am i even here an-"

"Hush now, little one. I will answer you're questions in due time. But for now, you will sit here and be quiet like a good little foal."

"..." What the fuck? I'm saying words, but nothings coming out! I touched my  throat, it felt tingly, i wondered what was wrong. The pony in front of me took notice of this.

"Don't worry, my little pony. I will return you're voice once I'm done saying what is needed to be said."

MY LITTLE PONY??!!! Oh shit, i'd better not be stuck in that dumb T.V. show. What am I saying, I'm definitely stuck in that dumb T.V. show. Of course that explains the two extra legs. How is this even fucking possible? That show is made up! Wow, this is too much for me. My mind is getting fucked from like eight different angles right now...

"First off," the pony stated, "My name is Princess Celestia, and you are currently in the magical world of Equestria."

I cringed at her words. Wow, cringe city here i come...

"Secondly," she continued, "there are four types of ponies in Equestria; Earth ponies, who can till and farm land with ease, Pegasus ponies, who can fly with their wings and land on clouds without falling through, unicorn ponies, who can use magic and cast spells with practice and studying...'

You know what we call them on Earth? I thought to myself. Whites, Blacks, and Asians!

"... And finally, Alicorns, Who have all of the above."

Oh, and almost forgot the rednecks. I would have laughed, but i couldn't speak, so I just smiled.

Celestia sighed as she looked at me in disappointment. "You should probably start taking this seriously or i'll make sure you don't get the ability to speak back for a long time..." This threat cleared my mind of all the mischievous thoughts at the time. I was not going to loose my voice because I couldn't stop smiling. But I also am so unimaginably mad right now, I'M surprised I've lasted this long! She then continued her speech.

"Thirdly, this world is peaceful, and i would like it if it would stay that way during the time that you are here. Any violation in this rule you will have to answer to my sister, Princess Luna."

What the hell is up with all these princesses? Wheres's the kings and queens?

"Fourthly, Nopony in this world is aware that there are other worlds in this universe except for the princesses, so I have modified your voice so you cannot talk about that subject to anyone besides us.

Oh wow, now she controls what I can say?? This is complete bull. Whatever, I don't need everyone thinking I'm a psychopath anyways.

"And finally..."

Finally, I thought it would never end.

"You're mission is to learn to accept ponies for who they are and learn about friendship."

Well, if i'm gonna have to make friends with a bunch of multicolored talking animals, (WHICH I DON'T EVEN WANT TO DO) then what do I get in return?? I gestured a han- I mean, hoof towards me. Thankfully, The white mare noticed

"What you get in return is that I will no longer meddle with your affairs unless necessary, and you will be able to live in Equestria freely until you die."

So i never get to go home?? Aw whatever, I didn't have much to go back to anyways. But then again, this place is as creepy as shit. Wait, why is it creepy? Everything looks all joyful and fun. My brain is fucked up.

"Alright, now that my affairs have been worded, We will now work on your Identity Of Equestria," With that she jumped from the ground and flew up high. It kinda startled me, but I would have regained my composure if it wasn't for the next thing she did...

The alicorn's pointy horn flared with a yellow aura as she closed her eyes. I just stared up at her, jaw-dropped. Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit, OH SHIT! She then pointed her horn towards the ground, and released her spell. Right in front of my eyes, she conjured 3 portals All having a different color and surrounded by a thin sheet of some kind of black substance. She opened her mouth to speak again.

"First, you must choose you're ethnicity. The way this works is; you step through the portal corresponding to the ethnicity you would like, then you have that ethnicity."

What?! Just like that? No way, she must be trying to trick me or something...

"The orange portal represents Earth, The cyan portal represents Pegasus, and lastly, the lavender portal represents Unicorn. Go ahead, make you're choice." I shook my head at her. "If you decide to be difficult, then I will gladly make the decision for you."

If I had fingers, I would so be sticking the middle one up right now. But all I could manage to do was grit my teeth in frustration. At this time, I just remembered that I have four legs. Oh, great. I'm going to look like a baby trying to take their first steps. Slowly, I gathered my legs under me and started to push myself up. I swear, if that white fuck says anything, i'll punch he- wait, I don't hit women... Fuck! It was surprisingly easy for some reason. When I finally was fully stood up, I took my first step. It felt... natural, and surprisingly very easy.I took my next step, then another and another, then before I knew it, I was walking! Or, trotting now, I guess. Soon, I approached the portals, then i begun to think.

Okay, Earth is out of the picture, because I HATE farming. So that leaves Unicorn or Pegasus. Hmmm, Pegasi can walk on clouds and fly, but i'm pretty sure with some magic I could do that stuff as a Unicorn as well, but then i'd have to study and I'm not very fond of studying. Also it wouldn't be permanent like Pegasi would be. But, I Also think unicorns would be better in combat. Hmmmm... I think i'll be... I looked up at Celestia patiently waiting. Okay, time to make a decision. I walked towards the purple portal and waded in. As soon as my back legs were inside, I started to feel a tingling sensation near the front of my crown. The sensation soon turned into a feeling of immense pain as part of my skull pulled apart leaving a good sized hole. I would have screamed in pain if it weren't for my voice being gone. Then I felt something growing out from my brain through the hole, until it filled the  opening completely, then skin formed around it. Then the back of my head hurt as a part of my brain grew slightly. After the hurting stopped, I opened my eyes, I was on the other side of the portal...

I touched my crown, to my surprise, i found a medium-sized stub ejecting from my forehead. I guess that means it worked.

"Would you like a mirror?" Celestia requested as she made her decent to the floor. I nodded. When she reached the ground, her horn flared once again, this time conjuring an elegant full-body mirror. I stared at my pony body, I actually, didn't look too bad as a pony. maybe even better! Wait a sec, i'm getting ahead of myself. I was a grey unicorn with a black mane and tale that styled sort of like flames as they fell down the back of my neck and out of my rump, and hung in the air. Not to long enough to think you were a mare, but long enough to think you were a goth rocker. My dark red eyes wandered my new body until I came to my flank. I'm never going to get used to being naked in public... Noticing I had nothing on it, I opened my mouth to speak... But remembered that my voice got fucking stolen somehow. I turned to Celestia behind me and pointed to my throat.

"Very well," she replied as, once again, she lit her horn with the yellow aura then released.

"... hh... wwhhhy" I coughed and hacked a few times. What the hell?! I've only been without a voice for like ten minutes!

"Start off with a soft hum, then grow in intensity until you feel like you are ready to talk again."

I did as I was told and hummed for about two minutes, while the white alicorn watched me with a smile, then tried again. "Why are there suns on your ass?"

The alicorn gasped then said in a scolding tone, "watch your language!" as she turned her smile into a frown of disapproval.

"You didn't seem to care about that earlier!" I retorted

"I took you're voice away, did I not?" she added. "I would like to remind you it's not hard to take you're voice away, I could easily do it again."

This shut me up good, I was furious that I was powerless to stop her... Yeah, I could hit her, but one; i'm pretty sure i'd loose the fight, and two; she is the only one helping me understand whats going on at the time, if I anger her, i'm pretty sure i'm not gonna get any answers anytime soon.

"There, that's my good little filly," Celestia joked.

Ooooh, you are sooooo fucking lucky!!! "Anyways," I said in a rather annoyed tone, "What are those suns doing on both your flanks?"

"Why, it's my Cutiemark."

"What the fu-" I stopped myself mid sentence because of the glare i got from the princess. "Uh, What are Cutiemarks, princess?" Do I have ANY masculinity left?!

"That's better," she said. "A Cutiemark is a symbol of you're unique special talent. Like mine, is raising the Sun, and my sister's, Luna, Is a moon, because she raises the Moon."

Her answer surprised me big time, "No, no way! you can't  move celestial body's like that! It's impossible!"

"Is it?"

"Yes, it is, and i'm insulted that you expected me to believe that!"

"Oh, I see," She replied. "perhaps you would like to experience me lower the sun tonight? surely that would be enough proof?"

Man, she seems so sure of herself, is she telling the truth? Mine as well find out... "Sure."

"Alright then, it's settled. Tonight at 8:00!" With that, we shook hands. I turned to leave, only to find that this room had no exit. "Not yet, little one. We still have a few more things to do before I can release you into Equestria.

"What?! what is it??"

"You simply need an Identity."

"You mean a name? why do I need that? Why can't I just be Jack?"

Nopony in Equestria has a name like that. I know it sounds unlikely, but it could cast suspicion on you. I need you to fit in as much as ponyly possible."

"Do I have to start talking like that too??"

"Yes, it is traditional to speak in my current dialect. This won't really cast suspicion, but most ponies just won't be able to understand you."

"Care to teach me how to speak the 'right' way?"

"After we are done creating your identity of Equestria, I believe I have a dictionary stored in the castle's library."

Oh great, Now I have to read?! Oh damnit, I forgot I have to study to be able to use magic as well. "Okay, let's get this name thing going then."

"If you don't mind, I would like to search your memories to find the perfect name for you."

I sighed, That REALLY doesn't make any sense, but I probably shouldn't question it. "Okay, let's get this over with..." I brought my head closer to her, then she lowered her head till her horn touched the tip of my head. Then the yellow aura came back, and i closed my eyes...

I don't feel anything, It's like I'm paralyzed!

Celestia laughed, "Don't worry, you'll be able to move once i'm done."

Oh crap, she can read my mind now?

"No, I can't read your mind." she sarcastically said with a laugh. "I'm obviously searching your thoughts at this very moment."

After a few more minutes of Celestia uncovering my deepest secrets (and commenting on each one), she relented and pulled her horn back from my head. I bet $100 that she's gonna use one of my secrets against me in the future.

"Alright, I have found a perfect name for you, my little pony."

"Well, What is it?" I hope it doesn't suck ass...

"Your new name, from now on, for Equestria is, NightFire."

"Wow, that actually sounds pretty cool!" Fuck! what are you doing Jack?! You're supposed to be mad that you're here! Who gives a shit if it's a cool name??

"Almost done, now I just need you to sign this contract to become a true member of Equestria," she handed a piece of paper to me. I started to read it.

Equestria Terms And Conditions

This contract states that by, under your understanding of joining our nation that you will follow and abide by all of the rules and regulations this country currently has in order and/or will soon be in order.

We grant you permissions to; own land, buy or sell anything that abides by the rules and uses the nations currency (bits), speak your opinion freely, the right to sue or defend yourself in court, travel to wherever you would like, use magic as long as It's not used to harm, intimidate, overpower ANYONE in any way, the ability to defend yourself (if threatened), socialize with anyone you would like (with their consent), discriminate (ONLY if in the matter at hand, you need a certain ethnicity. Any other ways are considered racism and will be handled as such.), and create whatever you would like (anything weapon related MUST get consent from one of the princesses.)

However, with certain freedoms, certain restraints come about as well. We forbid you to; visit any closed sections of Equestria without consent of an official (this includes: homes, castles, bed chambers, stores, forts, etc.), help Juveniles in ANY WAY. Even if the Juvenal turns out to be innocent in the future, the court still may press charges on you for helping him/her. Attack or threaten anyone without a plausible reason, eat meat or other carnivorous foods in front of non-carnivorous animals (without consent), break out of solitary confinement, or prison (without an understanding reason), stealing others belongings (punishment depends on victim, and item stolen), trick anyone into deals that they normally wouldn't accept to, murder and attempted suicide are also taken very seriously in court, plagiarizing someones work without their consent, and printing your own currency.

By signing below, you agree to these terms above, any new terms in the future, and will follow them accordingly or else you understand that you WILL be punished for your crimes.

Sign here________________

Well, I don't see any hidden agreements (considering that that's one of the rules), this contract looks pretty solid. I guess i'll agree. "Celestia, can I borrow a pen?"

She knew what that meant, "Of course dear," she smiled as she quickly conjured a white pen with her magic, then dropped it on the desk she also just conjured up for me, then set the contract down as well. I trotted over to the desk. When I got there, I remembered something.

"Uh, how am I gonna use this pen?"

"Levitating should do the trick," she replied.

"How do I levitate?"

"Oh, it's quite easy dear, just picture the thing you would like to levitate, in this case the pen, then use your horn to move the object. You will get the hang of it very quickly."

Why the fuck does she keep calling me 'dear'? She knows i'm not a girl right? Okay, I guess i'll get to the levitating thing, she's giving me the glare. I pictured the pen in my mind, and tried to push those thoughts into my horn, then I looked at the pen, It was surrounded in a dark blue aura. That must mean i'm doing it right! I thought. I willed it to rise up. and the pen  did as it was commanded and rose of from the desk.

"That's it!" Celestia exclaimed. "See? It's that easy." I then brought the pen down to the paper and started scribbling the words of my new name, like i'd been writing like this my whole life. When I was finished, Celestia grabbed it and looked it over. Satisfied with my signature, she poofed the document away, and held out a hoof. I shook for the second time today as the princess of Equestria stated, "You are now a citizen of Equestria, welcome to our nation, NightFire."

Well shit. I'm already regretting this decision...