Discord's Diary

by 007Delta

Rating: teen
Tags: Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Random, Discord
Length: 19882

I see you looking at my diary. Don't you dare open it, you naughty little filly.

Dear Discord,

I'm sure you have found yourself rather bored as of late, seeing as you have given up your true nature to stay reformed. So I have a project for you.

I'm awful curious to know what you do in your spare time, so I'd like you to keep a journal from now on and update me weekly. It will be a good way to kill some time, and it will help me keep tabs on you as you adapt to your new lifestyle. Think of it like a sort of Reformative Exercise.

You can send me your letters via dragonfire, which I do believe you are more than capable of doing so with your own magic. (If not, I'm sure Twilight will always let you borrow Spike,)

I'll be expecting your first letter soon!

- Celestia

Published 2014-07-08 22:30:07 UTC
Last updated 2015-09-03 02:02:10 UTC

Peanutbutter Makes a Mess!

Beware, privacy invading pony!

Beyond this line details the daily trials and tribulations of a devilishly handsome, marvelously powerful, stupendously magnificent, and humbly reformed Draconequus, writing his most inner thoughts and deepest secrets into the easily penetrated confines of paper and ink, which I see your prying, little hooves have managed to penetrate.

What was that? Why in the Equestria would an eternal being, such as myself, even deign to take the time out of his immortal life to catalog the mundane events that will surely bore you to tears?

You see, ol’ Sunbutt gave me a “Reformative Exercise” as she called it. Yes, as if her fancy wording is going to throw me off the real intention behind her actions. She simply wants to relish in the fact that she has given the former lord of chaos homework. Well, not wanting to upset her majesty, I readily obliged, and now I am to update a sort of diary, and send it to her by dragonfire every week. I sure don’t hope my clumsy little claw doesn’t slip and, erm, accidentally send her the entirety of the Royal Library above her horn. Oh, I can only imagine the pain and woe that would become of such a sincerely unintentional happenstance like that.

But I would never! I’m reformed!”

Anyhow, where shall I begin? In my eons upon epochs of years in existence, I could choose any of the edge-of-your-seat moments in my personal history, like the epic battle between the two sisters I had so long ago… or perhaps my mysterious and enigmatic birth into existence! Maybe my formative years, where I learned that the world was much harsher than I ever thought, or my tense, moral folly where I chose to betray my friends, only to be betrayed in the end!

Oh yes! I found a bit on the ground an hour ago.

So there I was, In the badlands just south of Aplloosa, just thinking. You see, when I’m feeling deep and emotionally angsty, I go there and think. I was, sitting atop a boulder, the sun beating down onto the brown, crispy land. I was, as I am most of these days, terribly bored. One of the downsides of being reformed, is I have essentially traded my ability to entertain myself for the acceptance of others. Now I’m not saying that I regret this decision, but if there is one thing that Tirek made me realize, it’s that. So instead of spending my time, gifting the presence of chas to others, I sit alone in isolation, making chaos with myself.

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

I must say I do love that little face, but that anyway... back to the point. I was chilling out, relaxing, maxing all cool, turning the rocks around me into a new creature I've invented. They look awful similar to your average bunny rabbit, except they have trumpets for mouths. They burst into life with little sparks of color, before roaming around the area and making little “noot noot!” noises, and they were adorable like nobody's business. So here I am, playing amongst my noot noots, when through the distorted air of the heat waves, I notice something. I used my hands and extended my eye into a telescope, and soon was surprised to see a truly horrible creature. There on the horizon, was an enormous two headed dog.

I immediately recognized the creature as an Orthros, having remembered a conversation I had with Fluttershy about them just a week or so earlier. It seemed to be in a rampage, stomping about the desert.

What was that? Why was there an Orthros in the middle of the desert? Well don’t ask me, I'm not responsible for everything, you know.

...

For those of you who are still suspicious of the credibility of this, I’ll have you know that the third or fourth thing that came to my mind was, ‘I should take this to Princess Celestia! She’s wise and responsible, she will know exactly what to do with this mystical and obviously dangerous creature.’

But then I thought, ‘What if she doesn’t like it?’ because I am such a worrywart.

But then, I had the most perfect solution to my problem, that I simply clasped my hands together mischievously with joy! I’ll take it to Ponyville! If they like, Sunbutt is sure to!

I had to take some safety precautions of course, so I carefully ran up to it, and weaved a magical leash of unbreakable energy and held the furious beast in place.

Then off I was! with a blink of magic and a snap of my fingers, I was in the main square of Ponyville, with terrified ponies of all three races, scattering about the street. They loved him! The looks of abject horror painted a picture I would be blind not to see. How could anyone not love this several ton organism of slobber and anger issues?

And there it was.

just sitting there all alone in it’s glory, waiting for my eye to catch sight of it!

A tiny little golden bit!

What kind of jaded, stuffed up, blue-blooded monster would I be to simply leave it there? I bent over to pick it up, stopping to flip into the air and catch it in my claw, admiring it in the sunlight. How pretty is money, right? and then I take a look closer, and guess what? It’s a rare date! bits from the 6th age that were magically minted in the griffon kingdoms are stupid rare. I was just finding neat stuff all over the place!

That’s when I went to go show my sick loot to the Orthros, only to find my giant, two headed dog missing.

“Peanutbutter?” I called out. “Where are you, you silly puppy?”

But he was nowhere to be found. I took a careful look around the area, before noticing something I hand’t noticed before. There, in the middle of one of the many cottages in Ponyville, was a curiously dog shaped hole, revealing another cottage with another odd dog shaped crater inside of it. I could see clean through the two houses, and at the very end of it, I saw a flurry of brown fur and rubble as the little devil tore through a third.

“Oh Peanutbutter, you’re so silly!” I called after it, running gleefully after the playful little ball of fur. Though I must confess, It was awful hard to even hear myself through the terrified screams of the resident equines.

Oh, I must've let go of his leash! I just realized that now. That’s how he got away.

So there I was, chasing after my lost puppy as he rampaged out of grief for loss of his dear master. What a tragic story to tell Celestia! Surely she will share my sympathies.

So I chased after Peanutbutter, only to find him bounding wildly towards the outskirts of the little town, before disappearing into the Everfree forest. To which point I shrugged and began walking back into town.

For some reason, the local ponies kept giving me these awful looks. I couldn't quite figure out why they were all so mad at me. After all it was Peanutbutter who had done the damage, not me, and now he's gone off and ran from his master. Sorry, Tia but I guess you won't get to see him after all.

I was strutting back into town, feeling awfully insecure about those faces ponies were giving me, until I was faced with a rather familiar purple one.

Oh, I must say she gets her temper from her teacher! Never had I received such a browbeating from a princess who hadn't usurped me in the past. I thought she was going to turn me into a statue by the end of it all! But yes, blah blah reformed, yadda yadda friendship, something or other about a dog, and she made me apologize in front of everyone and fix their houses, undoing all the fun I had just had. She's a bigger party pooper than Luna! And not even you can deny that one, Sunbutt.

But yes, yes, that is the price I pay for the friendship of dear Fluttershy.

So in conclusion, I'd like to say I've had a fun day, and I hope you enjoyed making me into a schoolboy.

Kisses!

Discord

P.S. Sorry about the library, Celestia! I swear I jinxed myself on that one.

Author's Note

Just a reminder, updates will be done weekly! All of Discord's shenanigans will be available here.

The Exgalloper

^ Pic Related ^

Hello again, Celestia! Had your fair share of giggles at my subordinance yet?

Oh well, it’s that time of the week already, huh? Do I really have to write about myself like a filly in a schoolhouse, cataloging every detail of my day to day life like some sort of playwright for you to enjoy? Because I have to say that I’m already tired of it.

While we are one the subject of my diary, I couldn’t help but notice the rather large amount of ponies who have managed to get into my personal writing! I’ve already raised this complaint to Twilight, who so rudely disregarded my issue. She said that if I left my diary (and several dozen copies) half open on a pedestal with a big flashing arrow pointing to it, that means that I actually want it to be read. That is preposterous! I clearly wrote in inconspicuous lettering behind the arrow, “Do not read!”

Why didn’t I put it on the front of the arrow? well you see it was filled with information, such as my biography, and the price.

Anyhow, as you all can imagine, I got in a fair share of trouble with Fluttershy for the incident with Tuna Fish. Was his name Tuna Fish? I don’t remember, but point is, Twi and the gang had to go find him, leaving Fluttershy with the task of calming him down and “keeping him safe” as Fluttershy called it. To which I casually glanced at the subte and utterly defenseless two headed raging dog and nodded in complete understanding.

After a little bit of searching, they found out that the Orthros I, uh, found in the desert was actually from a high end exhibit in Las Pegasus, just to the west of my little patch of badland. He disappeared from his habitat in the Exgalloper, a Romane themed casino just off the strip.

…

I swear I don’t have anything to do with him disappearing from his casino! I am a reformed Draconequus, and I am offended that you would think such a thing. Hmph!

So Fluttershy, Applejack, Rainbow Dash and a hot hunk of many different animals took the glitzy train all the way to Sin City. They allowed the Orthros aboard the cargo deck, but only under the condition that I cast a sleeping spell on him, leaving the foaming little ball of rage amidst a cloud of Z’s in no time.

As many ideas for pranks that I had aboard that train, I refrained from doing any of them, as Fluttershy gives me this truly heartbreaking look everytime I even try to, and I just can’t live with that kind of guilt on my conscious.

So I was a good boy the whole ride there. Even as we left the train, I behaved. So the Orthros was loaded into a large carriage, with two harnesses for AJ and Skittles to pull. There were a few employees from the Exgalloper to guide them, but those snobby little curs wouldn’t lift a hoof to help either of the girls, and let me say that I did not like that. I did not like that one bit.

I kindly offered my strength to them, but they wouldn't even let me near the carriage.

So Applejack and Dash busted their flanks to pull that heavy little puppy down the crowded street, up until they got the Orthros into his over-glorified terrarium in the casino. And those snobby little stallions didn’t even say thank you! They acted like Fluttershy stole him, which obviously wasn’t true, and it really twisted my horns.

But then I thought, ‘these ungrateful little uptights can handle housing an Orthros… Let’s see how they handle a Draconequus!’

And so, I inconspicuously broke away from the group, saying I had to go to the bathroom, but little did they know, I secretly watched from afar and waited for the others to leave. I spied as they lowered Peanutbrittle into his enclosure, which was just a 10 or 15 foot pit with a railing around it. The employees spent a few minutes trying to wake him up, before leaving him alone with a shrug.

With a flash of magic from your’s truly, I was beside the sleeping devil, a smile wider than any I’d ever grinned before plastered across my face.

“Oh, dear Peanutbluster! you’ve grown so thin!” I exclaimed in delighted surprise. “Allow me to fatten you up a little!”

Suddenly, the once large Orthros grew to be giant, before becoming enormous, and then monumental. Why, he stood clear over the top of his enclosure, his furry eyelids parting to reveal a set of yellow, drowsy eyes, staring angrily at a lobby full of stunned ponies.

Panic and laughter then resounded about the room, myself being responsible for one of those things. The Orthros then began snapping and barking at everything around him, trying desperately to claw his way out of his pit. Unfortunately, the little devil was too big to escape his enclosure, as his fat little body was too wide to fit in the lobby. Why, that simply wouldn’t do!

Luckily, most of the bottom floor of the Exgalloper held many little exhibits with exotic animals from all over Equestria, just itching to get out!

Why, I even saw a parasprite in a little cage, giving me the cutest little pair of guuguu eyes I had ever seen. It wanted to get out so bad, and who was I to deny him freedom?

“en avant, petit testicule floue!” I shouted as his cage melted cage away. Suddenly, the little ball of glee and hunger flew forth, gobbling every piece of edible material in sight.

One parasprite became two, which became 45, which turned into an uncountable cloud of insatiably adorable hunger. One Manticore, a cockatrice, and a small pack of Timberwolves later, and I went to go see how the Orthros was doing. Much to my surprise, he was gone! Where could he have gotten to? The lobby was simply too small to house him, not to mention there was a curious lack of utter destruction which he would have surely left, as the lobby looked intact. relatively, of course.

And then it hit me.

It literally hit me.

A little brick fell on my head, causing me to look up, only to see the oversized butt of a dog born in Tartarus, ripping through the upper floors of the casino. Why, I didn’t know he had it in him! I summoned a trusty umbrella and floated up after him, taking care to dodge the torrent of rubble he left falling in his wake. He tore straight through the upper gambling deck, a few levels of suites, and an indoor pool somewhere above. I was thankful that, of all things, I had chose an umbrella to float myself up with.

It wasn’t long before he reached the top, leaving a beautiful orange sky where a dog butt used to be. As I ascended to the roof, I got the most beautiful view of the Las Pegasus cityscape, with all the lavish and beautiful casinos laid out beside the strip. It was a view like none other, which was so abruptly obscured by the nebula of parasprites that flew from the food decks, before scattering across the vast city.

I took a deep breath and put my claw and paw to my hips. Chaos at it’s finest! And the best part, was it’s all justified! We’ll see if they mistreat Fluttershy ever again!

That’s when I caught sight of the Orthros soaring through the air. I almost couldn't believe it, which is absolutely incredible by my standards. The Orthros had jumped, and was now soaring over several other huge casinos. And by the trajectory of it… it looked as if he was going to land straight on Celestia’s Palace! The Casino of course.

Why, I couldn’t have that! They didn't do anything!

With a small wave of my hands, I turned the Orthros around, sending him flying back towards my rooftop. I heard the screams from all the tourists below as they watched the truly monstrous creature barrel at dangerous speeds toward the building, which would surely collapse upon impact.

“Alright, that’s enough!” I yelled, magically amplifying my voice to everyone below. I snapped my fingers, and suddenly, the Orthros hung suspended there in mid-air. I saw the colorful cloud above the city come to a complete standstill, and a few stray timberwolves that had gotten out of the casino froze in their spots.

I floated down to the streets, which was filled with police ponies, journalists, and a large section of the Royal Guard, and of course, a throng of panicking tourists.

“Today, I saw my friend mistreated by a few of the staff members inside the Exgalloper,” I started, putting my claw to my heart in a show of sadness… “So I took it upon myself mistreat your building,” I gave a smug grin as stupefied silence befell the once disorderly mob.

Suddenly, there was a huge crashing noise, and I turned around to see the huge casino tumbling down towards the street, and a huge collective, bloodcurdling scream spread through the crowd like wildfire.

I yawned and snapped my fingers, catching the building as it fell in midair.

It took the crowd a few moments to realize I was holding it up, but once they did, the screams died down into nervous chatter.

“The moral of all this?” I yelled to everyone. “Treat others the way you’d like to be treated.”

Heh, I would have never guess that I would be giving a friendship lesson.

With another snap of my fingers, the Parasprites all flew back into the building, which hovered into place and set itself back into it’s foundation. Glass and brick reassembled themselves, as the Orthros was shrunk back down and placed back in it’s pen. The Timberwolves were sucked back inside by an invisible vacuum, along with a frightened cockatrice, which was flapping it’s wings wildly.

I then walked off as if nothing happened.

I rode home and met up with Fluttershy, Dash and Applejack, who ganged up on me as I strolled through town.

“What in tarnation took ya so long!” Applejack yelled at me, only to have an equally ticked off Rainbow Dash chime in:

“Yeah, we didn't see you on the train! You didn't do anything fishy while you were gone, did you?”

I folded my arms and said resolutely, “What happens in Pegasus, stays in Pegasus!”

mfw I rebuilt the Exgalloper upside down.

Angry Princesses

Oh, woe is me! How could this have happened? Why has the world chosen to gang up on me so? It’s simply not fair!

I have been put under Town Arrest!

I didn’t even know that such an absurd thing existed, and I was even more hurt to find that the very princess who encouraged me to write to her my weekly activities has been using my mode of emotional expression as nothing more than espionage!

Bishmillah! They will not let me go… anywhere outside of Ponyville at least.

And here I thought I was being the good guy by teaching everyone a lesson. I even put everything back the way I found it! Well, sort of, but point is my heart was in the right place! Why, I was so distraught about the news, that I simply had to inform the paper. In Manehatten.

Just as I was explaining the situation to the editor in chief, A whole platoon of Royal Guardsmen rudely interrupted my pitch, demanding that I go straight back to Ponyville, or risk trial by Sunbutt.

Well, I know when I'm beat, and if there is one thing I know about the princess of the day, it’s that she is not a ray of sunshine when angered. So I promptly teleported my way back to Ponyville. Worse yet, I was made to wear a magic detecting leg brace, which sent an alarm to the Guards every time I so much as snapped my fingers funny.

Sunbutt reserved an empty cottage in the middle of town for me to stay until I was off the hook. It wasn’t anything special, just your average, boring cottage like you see all over the town.

But then it got worse. A really stern looking fellow guided me inside sat me down, giving me the evilest eye I had ever seen in a stallion.

“You listen here, and you listen good,” he said to me in an almost menacing manner.

“What was that?”

“Celestia has ordered us to keep you under Town Arrest for seven days maximum. During these seven days, there will be no funny business. There will be no chaos, there will be no leaving.”

“Boop,” I said as I squeezed his nose, causing his left eye to twitch in what I’m going to pretend was him trying not to laugh.

“If you use the tiniest inkling of magic, that brace around your leg will sound an alarm that-”

Beep!Beep!Beep!

“You mean like that?” I said, admiring the stern guards new handlebar mustache

There was a long, hilarious silence between us as I desperately tried to stifle a smile, and he desperately tried not to lunge at me.

“Yes,” he said, narrowing his eyes to hateful slits. “Like that. And as an-” Beep!Beep! “-additional form of security, I have-” Beep!Beep! “- been posted to stay here with you for the duration of your-” Beep!Beep! “-Town Arrest, making sure that you do not cause any further-” Beep!Beep! “-public disturbances,”

“Interesting,” I said, watching as the silent but furious guard in front of me scowled with a full layer of clown make-up on. “You’d be so kind as to stay with little old me? How sweet of you. I bet you’re a real nice fellow when you’re off duty,”

He stood up abruptly, which I assume he did to try and seem more imposing… but the squeak of his clown shoes dissipated any sort of seriousness he thought he had. Not to mention his hair was now rainbowfied. And in an afro. Also, I made his tail defy gravity, so it was now reaching toward the ceiling, because magic is just soooo much fun.

The poor thing was doomed.

With small flash of his horn, all of my modifications to his appearance disappeared, leaving a plain old angry guard.

“This is going to be a long week,” he said with a groan. “For you and me both. I don’t want to be here just as much as you do, so please don’t make this difficult… I’m here to do my job and keep you in line.”

“Yes, yes, I know. Perhaps my friendship lesson in Las Peagsus was a bit too much. Though I had a good reason!”

“That may be so, but it gives you no right to wreak havoc in an entire city. I hope you know that they still haven’t fully recovered from your ‘lesson’, Draconequus.”

“Tough love,” I said. “On the bright side, I bet you their service will be impeccable from now on,”

“That is besi-”

Knock knock knock!

“I’ll get it,” said the guard, flashing his horn and opening the door, only to have the frame filled with a purple, seethingly mad Alicorn with a newspaper floating about her head.

“Discord! What in Celestia’s bright yellow sun have you done in Las Pegasus?!” she yelled as she marched toward me.

“Boop,” I said as I squeezed her nose, only to get a newspapery whack on the head moments later.

“This isn’t a joke! The whole city is in a state of panic, and all of the local businesses and casinos have shut down! Do you know how badly this can affect the economy?” she scolded, her nose scrunching as she thrust her face forward, before her eyes caught sight of the slightly surprised guard.

“Ah! Good to see Celestia’s already tended to you. What is your sentence? Banishment? Exile? Magic Kindergarten?”

“Town Arrest for one week,” I said as handcuffs appeared on my arms, sending another shrill set of beeps into the air.

“That’s it? One week?”

“Of town arrest, yes,”

The newspaper hit the floor with a small rustle, which may or may not have been her jimmies. The door slammed hard, and a yelling of a disgruntled friendship student slowly faded into the distance.

Oh yeah, I made that meta reference*cough* what? I swear, I get these weird coughs at the most random of moments.

I sat there looking at the door, before taking a glance at the guard, who looked dazed and confused.

“I take it you don’t get yelled at by princesses as often as me, huh?” he turned toward me, before floating the newspaper in front of his face, and letting it drop on the table with shake of his head.

I couldn’t help but glance at it, and notice something strange… The building was right-side up? How could this be? There is no way that they could have corrected the building so qui- oooh, the newspaper was upside-down, my bad!

“So what’s your name?” I asked the guard as he came back to his senses.

“Coat of Arms,” he said in a professional manner. “Lance Corporal of Celestia’s Royal Guard,” he announces, a small hint of pride in his voice.

“Really?” I said, “Lance Corporal? That’s a nice title, though it falls a little short compared to mine,” I said, examining my claw in feigned disinterest.

“I suppose Spirit of Chaos is high on the ladder, huh?” he said, his anger starting to dissipate as he came down from the shock of Twilights temper tantrum.

“Well, it’s an abridged title. My full position is Overlord of all things unorganized, Overseer of everything erratic, Bringer of Disharmony and unpredictability, Harbinger of Hectic Happenings, God-president of Equestria and the spiritual embodiment of Chaos and disharmony itself. Oh, and Friend of Fluttershy goes somewhere in there as well.

“Quite a mouthful,” said Arms with the slightest, almost undetectable chuckle.

Would you look at that! I was making another friend! Well, I wouldn’t jump the gun, he is here to make sure I don’t have any fun… But I suppose he isn’t bad for a warden, either.

So as it turns out, we spent the rest of the day in the house, just talking and doing stuff. What was interesting though… was that when I would drop a small prank on him every now and again, he would respond with a small chuckle instead of inner thoughts of hate and mutilation. Perhaps this Town Arrest wouldn’t be so bad after all.

Oh yeah, you may have noticed that my letter is a few days early, Sunbutt. I’m only doing this because I’m bored! Not because I actually enjoy writing or anything silly like that…

I’ll have another letter for you on Tuesday, by the way.

Signed,

Overlord of all things unorganized, Overseer of everything erratic, Bringer of arrg ow ow ow ow ow, claw cramp, ggah! blast this tiny quill!

Author's Note

Yes, Discord will have another entry for you all to enjoy this Tuesday! Enjoy your extra entry, because I wuv u guys.

The Noot in our Stars

Oh thank Celestia! Literally! I am once again a free Draconeqqus! I waved a goodbye to Coat of Arms, who kept me such good company for the week, and set foot outside the city line for the first time in seven whole days. Oh, how I've missed the world and it's varied landscapes, the beautiful hills beneath Cloudsdale, the rolling plains at the foot of Canterlot, the gentle snows upon the valley in Vanhoover, the- yeah I'm bored.

With the termination of my town arrest, Celestia is still quite cautious of me, and I can't really have the fun that I am accustomed to. I can leave Ponyville, but I still have sit pretty, lest I want to upset the pony on top, and there is just no telling what she'll do if I get out of hand again.

So it was at that moment that I let out a long weary sigh of unparalleled boredom and defeat, with a little bit of sadness sprinkled in it. Looks like it was back to the badlands for this reformed spirit of chaos.

Fluttershy was a little upset with me over the whole incident, so I haven't seen her in a couple days... I honestly hope she isn't too mad at me, after all I was doing all of it for her...

So it is here I find myself once again, on my rock in the middle of nowhere, just south of Apploosa, thinking once more. Oh I miss being free, being able to do whatever I want at a moments notice, not having to worry about what others thought or cared. Now, I'm afraid I couldn't do it even if I tried. I'm tied down. If I stay loyal to my true nature, I'll lose the trust of everyone I've come to care about, not to mention I'll possibly end up back in a stone statue or some other inescapable prison... It really gets me thinking if I should just cut my losses and try my claw at making Equestria the chaos cap- oooh would you look at that!

As I was contemplating my life dilemma, I noticed something beside my rock. It was a small little ball of brown fluff, with two pointy ears sticking out from behind his head. He was rummaging through the dirt with his back to me, before turned around, revealing a trumpet for a mouth.

A Noot Noot! Oh, I thought they died in the desert heat weeks ago! Turns out my little creations survived after all!

Hmm... But where were they hiding this whole time? I haven't seen them in a very, very long time...

That's when the good ol' spirit of chaos decided to do a little espionage!

With a snap of my fingers, I shrunk myself down to his size and spied on him atop my now enourmous rock. That's when I noticed the little brown Noot Noot was holding something... Was that a bow and arrow? Aaaaw! I watched the Noot Noot prowl along the baked ground if the badland, before coming across a small prairie dog a few yards away. He drew a little twig of an arrow from behind his back, notched it, took a deep breath aaaaand...

"Oh my goodness aren't you the cutest!" I exclaimed, appearing beside the Noot Noot, causing him to let out a little horn punch of surprise as he shot his arrow, arching far over the prairie dog.

He fell over in surprise, catching his prey's attention, who promptly ran away. The Noot Noot then stood up and threw his little bow agaisnt the ground in anger and lunged at me.

"Noot Noooooot!" It honked in anger, drawing a small knife and making a swipe at me.

I wasn't expecting him to retaliate so quickly, but I expertly fumbled to the side in surprise, so masterfully causing him to just barely miss me. But you see, this is where things get a bit dire... Before I could recover, he tackled me from behind, pinning me to the ground. Just as I was about to snap my fingers and get myself out of there, he took his little knife and poked my horn and antler, leaving a numbing sensation on my head, before everything went black.

I know, I know, how could I have been bested by an adorable little rabbit with a trumpet for a mouth? Well, before you laugh, these things are crafty little devils! And I so foolishly shrunk down to their size, and boy are they stronger than they look! I really outdid myself on making these things.

I awoke in a dark, dirty cave, with stall twigs arranged vertically like a cell in front. I had quite the headache, and as I looked around, I noticed these little wooden tendrils in the ceiling. Were these... Roots? Hmm... So I was underground, that much is certain.

"Well, I'd better get out of here," I thought, snapping my fingers for a teleportation spell.

Except I was still in the cell.

"What in the blazing fires of Tartarus?" I exclaimed, a little quaver of uncertainty in my voice. I snapped my fingers yet again, but there was no effect. How could this be? Was I losing my mind? Am I going through magipause? Was my magic being blocked by Tim Howard? Never before had this happened to me, as I could always rely on my trusty horns to generate magic which I could-

Wait... My horns! I reached an exasperated claw to the top of my head, only to find they weren't there! That conniving little Noot Noot stole them! Oh I was going to give them a piece of my mind! I stormed up to the feeble little twigs that served as cell bars and grabbed hold of them. Then with a mighty heave... I realized that they too were much stronger than they looked. What is the meaning of all this?! Was the spirit of chaos being held captive by nothing more than twigs and a foot of dirt?

This was certainly a new low for me. Literally, I was underground.

So I sat down and began thinking. How could I escape? Couldn't go through the walls, can't teleport, couldn't break the twigs... I suppose I just have to wait until a guard comes by, then perhaps I can knock him out and take his key.

A while later, sure enough, a guard came by. I was masterfully prepared by sleeping on the floor, anticipating his- yeah, I forgot about my plan and I got bored and sleepy. He awoke me with a rough kick in my back, before honking something with his trumpet mouth that I didn't understand. I got up, before two small spears were pointed at me, and a third Noot Noot picked me up and led me out of the cell. We walked through a few winding tunnels, and in the distance, I could hear some sort of loud cacophony, like hundreds of brass instruments being played at once.

The three Noot Noot guards threw me in another room, except this one was all wooden. The sound of trumpets was louder here, like the source of the noise was just above me. I could here a few sounds like metal being hit against metal, and the noise of the trumpets would rise accordingly... And suddenly, it got eerily quiet. Then, I felt the ground rumble, like gears were turning underneath... And then the room began rising! A small platform opened up above, and I was lifted into the last place I would have ever expected.

I was in an enourmous colosseum.

Well, it wasn't really enormous, I was still shrunken down, but from my size, it was huge. There were a couple of lifeless Noot Noots scattered about the arena, and one particularly large one in armor, wielding a large axe. He had small paintings of insects allover his armor, with a large one in the center of his breastplate.

"Oh I get it, bunnies and bugs. Clever,"

There were hundreds of Noot Noots watching and cheering, almost as if they wanted us to...

"Uh oh," I said as the large Noot Noot charged towards me. He took a large swing of his weapon, leaving me to duck out of the way and jump to the sides. He then turned around, sweeping his axe near my feet as he did so. I jumped over the sweeping blade, but without my magic, I couldn't fight him unarmed. That's when I caught side of a shield, which looked to be made out of a small segment of cactus bark. It wasn't a weapon, but it would give me some defense. I slithered over to the shield and slipped it on my lions paw, holding it in front of me. There were still some spines jutting from it, but I doubt it would do much against this hulking Noot Noot. I had to find a weapon.

Just as I thought that, the gigantic, axe-wielding rabbit took another shot at me. This time, he tried to lower the axe in a powerful downward strike, but I managed to sidestep out of the way. As his axe was wedged in the ground, I jumped and bashed the shield to his helmet, causing him to lose his bearings. I heard the crowd explode into laughter-like "Noots!" As he fumbled around. I had just enough time to pick up a spare sword left lying on the ground by one of the slain gladiator Noot Noots.

As I turned around, I was able to raise my shield just in time as the giant Noot Noot took another swing. The shield took the impact, but as a result, the axe was now wedged into my shield. Which I was still holding onto.

So I was now being lifted off my feet, which is not a good thing when in battle with a rabbit gladiator, but as a result, I did catch sight of something rather curious... There in the crowd, on a raised pedestal, was a regal looking Noot Noot wearing a familiar set of horns and antlers...

"I wonder who those could belong to," I said as the large gladiator grabbed hold of me and threw me into the air, leaving me to arch rather painfully onto the ground. I heard the crowd cheer and honk as I tumbled through the dirt, and I watched as the big gladiator cheered and basked in the limelight.

And then it hit me. Those horns on that other rabbits head were mine! If I could just grab those, I could show these Noot Noots who's really boss!

All I had to do was scramble up the side and snatch the horns! But there was one angry gladiator in the way, and my shield was in splinters...

I charged at the rabbit, my sword held high in an offensive stance. The rabbit took a swing at me, just as I'd expected, but I jumped and landed on the flat of the weapon, using it to propel myself into the air. Then with a stylish and sexy twirl, I lashed my sword out in a maelstrom of steel and skill. I then landed in a roll, and continued my run towards the emperor Noot Noot. I jabbed my sword into the wall and used it to climb up to the top, eliciting honk of outrage around the arena. I noticed a few armed guards rushing up to stop me, but I had to get my horns!

I scrambled to the top and pounced on the emperor, grabbing my horns and jabbing them on my head. Ooh! It was like plugging something in! I could just feel the power flow through me. Then with a snap of my fingers, I was growing back to my normal size. I burst through the dirt of the ceiling as I continued to grow, and the Noot Noots before me began to flee in terror. I felt it appropriate to make loud roaring noises at the time.

As the last of the Noot Noots fled, I let out a long laugh. That was the most fun I've had in a long while! Who knows what other adventures there are out there?

So that's what I did today! Hopefully your happy to see that I minimized my chaos. I thought it would be a good change of speed to downsize. I don't mean to toot my own horn, but I think I kicked some brass tod- okay I'm done.

Breaking and Entering

Have you ever heard of thing called lucid dreaming? I just read about it in one of Luna's books on the nature of dreams, and I must confess that there is just so much neat stuff she has in her room. All these neat bobbles, bits and hidden treasures just waiting to be discovered! And the best part about it is that the moon has just risen, and Luna won't be here all night.

So this thing I was telling you about, lucid dreaming... It's basically when you're having a dream, and you realize it. You become aware of your own dream. What this allows you to do, is basically live out your wildest imaginations, with almost zero limitations. Luna wrote that when she first began to visit ponies in their sleep, her magic was far more untamed. As a result, small tendrils of her power had been cast into the minds of ponies she visited, giving them a piece of the dominion that Luna herself had over their dreams.

Yada yada yada, the rest of it was boring and trite, and I simply couldn't bear to read anymore, so it's a coaster for my drink at the moment.

Many of you may be wondering what became of Cadence and my own's little escapade that took place. Let me tell you, she was more red than she was pink. First thing she did was confiscate the riding crop, which I think was unfair because they were the ones who threw it away in the first place. Secondly, I got a browbeating about invading other pony's privacy, and that it was wrong to coerce love for my amusement.

So it is here in Luna's room I find myself, as I rummage through her priceless relics and personal belongings like it's nobodies business, which in many ways is a pun.

That's when I came across a funny little box stowed away in a secret compartment in her bed. It was pitch black with symbols and spellbindings engraved all over it. I took it out and laid it on her bed sheets, taking a careful examination. The box was rather dusty, which meant that it hadn't been touched in a very long time. What was so important for Luna to keep away hidden in her room? Couldn't be the elements, that tree thing took those back...

I've been alive for quite some time, and I would be lying if I said I didn't know what this was. The box has been pocketed with a myriad of hexproofing spells and lock charms, making the small chest into pretty much a prison for whatever's inside. I don't know what she's keeping in here, but I have to tell you, I am absolutely intrigued. So I snapped my fingers, dispelled some of the spells and undid the latch. Suddenly, there was an enormous dark mist that erupted from the back, blinding me for a second, before dissipating into the air.

That's all she was keeping in there? Smog? How petty. I know they want to keep their kingdom in tip top shape, but I mean that's just a little over the top.

Well, I've just about exhausted all of the fun in Luna's room. Time to get moving!

Where should I go today? I probably shouldn't show my face in the Crystal Empire for awhile, same goes for Los Pegasus. But then I thought, I haven't bothered Applejack for a long time, so I decided to pay here a visit!

"Surpriiiiise!" I yelled in her dark room, causing the orange farm pony to fly from her bed in a startled heap of drowsy fright.

"What in tarnation?!" She said as she fell from the side of her bed. She struggled to throw the bedsheets off of her, before catching sight of my face.

"Discord? How in the- what are you doing in mah room!"

"Just saying hello to a friend," I said, giving her a funny look. "We are friends, right?"

"You're beginning to wear the term a little thin,"

"I just thought maybe I could help you do something around the farm. Friends help each other, right?"

Applejack wiped her eyes wearily, before giving me the most irritated look I've ever seen. "You want to help me farm Apples," she said flatly.

"Why of course! I wouldn't bother you if I wasn't serious,"

Applejack buried her face in her right hoof. "Discord, if I take you apple bucking, will you leave me alone?"

"Cross my heart, hope to fly, jam a muffin in my ear hole or however the thing goes."

So Applejack dragged herself out of the bed, opened her door and headed downstairs. "C'mon now, let's hurry up and get this over with."

So I eagerly followed her out into the hallway, and down the stairs. That's when I heard the most menacing snarl I had ever heard in my life. Suddenly I had a flashback of Peanutbutter, as he mauled me mercilessly with no regret. My tears flowing profusely as I was bullied and abused by the canine... Why I had no control of myself by the time Winona started barking at me.

With a shriek of terror and reflexive kick of my foot, a brown and white ball of dog went hurdling out of their kitchen window.

Applejack looked at me with a look of surprise before she galloped out of the front door.

"Winona!" She shouted, her voice cracking with the strain. I could hear her searching for the puppy I had accidentally punted like a hoofball.

"Discord what in Equestria is wrong with you!" She said, her eyes wide with what looked to be surprise and sadness

"Just making sure you're awake," I said as I pulled the dog from out of my sleeve and place it on the ground.

I'll skip the string of profanity that Applejack said to me after that, but rest assured she wasn't happy.

"Oh lighten up AJ!" I said, trying to calm her down. "Just because I pulled one harmless prank doesn't mean you have to call me a fragment of fornicating excrement,"

"Don't do that t' me! Ah've had Winona since she was a puppy," she said, holding onto the dog tightly. "That ain't funny Discord!"

...

I'm all for senseless pranks, but there is a boundary you can't cross... Like when I let loose the Orthros in Ponyville. Sure it was dangerous, but I made sure no one got hurt. Same with Los Pegasus and The Crystal Empire. Well, I suppose Cadence got spanked, but that was Shining, not me.

"Listen AJ, I'm sorry, that was too far... I wasn't trying to do that," I said, my face contorting into a small grimace as I scratched the back of my head uneasily. I even snapped my fingers to fix her window.

So I silently followed her out of the house. I suppose I could give her the solace of not messing with her for a few minutes.

Applejack lead me to the barn and silently fastened a wagon to her back.

"Go on and grab one," she said in a low grumble.

It was obvious she was still upset... But I took the wagon, just like I was asked to.

The fields near the house were bare. I assumed they had already bucked the ones closest to home. Applejack and I travelled for about 10 minutes into the orchard, before she pulled a few wide brimmed buckets and placed them in a circle underneath the tree.

"Okay, it's real easy Discord. You just put the buckets 'round the trunk and you kick the tree real hard. You shouldn't have a problem kickin' things," she said.

I could feel the venom in her voice, and well, I wasn't trying to do that.

I watched as Applejack kick the tree, and watched as a small rainfall of apples fell in the buckets. She picked up the ones the hadn't quite made into the basket and threw them in the wagon, before maneuvering the apple buckets into the back of the cart.

"Go ahead and empty the buckets and so your own so I can go back to sleep," she said before leaning herself against the wagon.

I did as I had been told and placed the buckets around the next tree like I was asked. I wound up my leg and gave the tree a nice kick, and watched as ten or twelve apples slowly fell into the bucket. I was rather surprised by this, I put quite a bit of force into that kick. Nothing that a little magic couldn't solve, so I wound back up and hit it harder. I felt the tree shake with the impact, and to my delight, I managed to fill the buckets quite nicely.

Applejack came over and took the buckets without a word, before placing them back into the wagon. She fastened it before walking off, leaving me in the orchard.

I must say, I did not feel good about this at all.

"Applejack!" I called to her.

"Dear Celestia, what now?" she said, throwing her head back in frustration.

I shuffled after her, before I finally came to a stop beside her.

"I just wanted to say I was sorry. I didn't mean to be a jerk," I said, as sincerely as I could

Applejack looked off in the distance, thinking for a second.

"I forgive you, Discord, just please don't do this to me again," she said, continuing with the wagon.

"Oh, Applejack... I couldn't help but notice that you didn't have your hat,"

"What about it?"

"Well... Here," I said, snapping fingers. Suddenly, her Stetson materialized above her and fitted itself onto her head.

Applejack took the hat off and fixed her hair before putting it on, and taking a tired look at me.

"Thank you, Discord Sem-Pai" she said, before exploding into the sky in a trail of Apples. I then took off on my hover board, turning to my right and noticing a giant chimichanga with a pony dressed in red and black sitting on t-

"Discord! What art thou doing in my bed? And why are my belongings scattered about my chambers!"

"Gah, what?" I said, rising from Luna's bed. I looked outside and noticed that... It was sunrise?

"Answer me when I'm speaking to you!"

"What happened?" I said wearily, looking around. I was still in Luna's bedroom... Why?

Luna looked around the room, before catching sight if the lockbox, which had fallen to the ground.

Suddenly, Luna began struggling to keep a straight face, before she broke into laughter.

"Stop laughing at me! I think I've been Hoofied!"

Luna didn't stop laughing, she put a hoof to one of her sides as she tried to calm herself down, but she didn't stop laughing. She kept giggling for a good minute, before she calmed down enough to address me.

"You sprung a booby trap," she said, picking up the lockbox. "I figured I might lose this, so I filled it with a sleeping smoke powerful enough to put a regular colt to sleep for 50 years. Luckily for you, it lasted one night."

I took a look at the lockbox, and remembered the black smog... And suddenly, it all made sense.

I, the self proclaimed king of pranks, had been beaten by a box. And to add insult to injury, there was another lockbox in the lockbox.

I can hear you laughing, Sunbutt.

Divine Intervention

Well, I have to tell you guys that I am feeling quite heartbroken. I received a letter from Coat of Arms today, asking me to come over to his house for dinner. Well, I was quite excited! This was the first time I had ever been invited to an event that wasn't hosted by Fluttershy, and I must say it warmed my heart. I conjured up the finest tuxedo I could imagine, Fastened a red bow to my neck, dumped a bottle of perfume on my head and headed out the door.

Coat lived up in Canterlot, so I of course took the liberty of teleporting there for the sake if time. I knocked on the door, chocolate milk dispensing daffodils in hand, (can't show up to a get together without a house warming gift,) only to find the door open. It swung slowly, sending a whining creak into the dark hallways of the house. Curiosity gripped me tight, and soon I found myself wandering inside the house. Why was it abandoned like this? I had made sure to arrive on time, yet there wasn't a soul here.

And then I walked into the living room, only to come face to face with the last four ponies I ever expected to see.

"Princesses?" I said in utter confusion. "What are you doing in Coats house? Did you eat all the dinner?"

"No," said Celestia flatly, her face remaining a stern, yet neutral visage. "You will also find that Coat of Arms and his family are not home,"

"What, did you eat them too?"

"Discord," said Luna, her voice a little more stern. "Now isn't the time for cracks which are wise. We are here to discuss something of the utmost importance."

"You know if was that important, you could have just told me in the letter,"

Twilight shook her head. "This is about you. Specifically, this,"

Twilight floated a colorful book over the table, before letting it drop in front of me. On the cover, there was a stunning picture of truly handsome beast, accompanied with two words beneath it. "Discord's Diary".

"This, is an intervention." Said Twilight resolutely.

"What, is this like a grammar police thing? I probably ended some dialogue with periods again."

Suddenly, Cadence leapt from her spot on the couch and punched the book away.

"Stop making a joke out of everything!" snapped Cadence. "I don't appreciate you poking fun at Shining and myself in this little journal of yours, but I will not tolerate the public delving into my private life! There are some paragraphs in there that I demand be bowdlerized!"

"Like what?" I said, my lips curled in a smirk of pure curiosity.

"You know which ones,"

"No I don't,"

"The paragraph with the damn riding crop!"

"You mean this riding crop right here?"

Cadence's face flushed red. "How do you keep getting your claws on this?" She said in a furious whisper, getting up in my grill and whatnot.

"I just find things! If you'll refer to chapter one of my memoirs, you'll see I find a sixth-age bit-"

"Your going to find my hoof six ages in your-"

"Cadence!" scolded Celestia, "I understand you are upset, but we must keep on track."

Cadence sat down on the couch and folded her arms, her brow furrowed in annoyance,

Celestia then turned to me. "Alright, I will get straight to the point. We can't have you writing this diary any longer,"

"And here I thought you had no sense of humor! I'm proud of you Celestia, you're officially not as boring as Luna,"

Luna's eyes narrowed in mild offense.

"Twilight, please show Discord the graph," said Celestia.

"The graph?" I said.

"The graph," Twilight said, floating a large poster in front of me.

"Notice how you were relatively calm about 16 weeks ago. No mass chaos or any other forms of large scale pranks. Now we look at the things you've done since you began writing and..."

She turned the poster around, revealing a long list of items, pictures, and other odd documents.

"Grievances in Ponyville over home destruction via rampaging Orthros, A missing Orthros from the Exgalloper in Las Pegasus, the destruction of the Exgalloper in Las Pegasus via giant rampaging Orthros. The list goes on and on." Twilight sat down next to Celestia after she finished talking. "And they are all mentioned in your Diary,"

"I don't see your point," I said, clearly unable to see their point.

"You're causing more chaos for the sake of having something to write about," said Celestia. "It needs to stop Discord. You're doing it for attention, and it's causing unrest in my kingdom."

"But I'm not trying to draw attention to myself," I complained.

"Your selling your book in my library! And I saw copies of you're 'personal' diary in a bookstore on the way up here. It ends now,"

"But I have the right to free speech! It's my book, it's my words. So pthhbt," I said, sticking my tongue out in defiance.

"Well, it's my riding crop, but you seem to have it more than I do!"

"This one right here?"

"You know what, keep it. I'm leaving. Have fun with it." Cadence got up and marched out the door.

"Huh, she's gonna have a hard time herding all that cattle without it,"

"Do you think you can just run around and cause chaos when you want? There are ramifications you know!"

"Yeah! I served an entire week of town arrest! Believe me, I know,"

Twilight facehoofed. "If you keep causing trouble, you'll find yourself in the stony lonesome, if you catch my meaning,"

I scowled at Twilight, who was being ratchet. "That was so low, it could have played limbo,"

The princess of the Sun stood up, obviously aggravated. "Alright, enough. This is getting too far off topic, and it's obvious he can't be reasoned with. So I'll solve the problem like this."

Everyone turned their gaze to Celestia.

"Discord, you are no longer obligated to write to me every week, and I urge you to stop altogether. I suppose I can't keep you from writing and publishing your stories, but know I will be much harsher on you from now on. I will not tolerate your casual destruction of Equestria, and know that the moment you go too far..." Celestia stood up from the couch. "Is the moment I'll do the same."

There was a tense silence that fell over the room.

"Luna, Twilight, we're done here."

"Stay frosty gurlz," I said as they left. I watched as the two sisters left the room, with Twilight trailing behind them. But suddenly, I had a muscle spasm in my arm, causing it to shake violently, before involuntarily swinging the riding crop into Twilight's flank.

"Eep!" She said, visibly stiffening up, before turning and shooting me daggers.

"This must work really good on the cattle," I said.

The Wizard of What? Pt. 1

Author's Note

Notice: The Wizard of What is a side story starring Braeburn, and all chapters are skippable.

The Wizard of What? Pt. 1

I have found myself at a crossroads I never thought I'd revisit. I have tried as best as I can to suppress my nature and act civilized... But something is wrong. Not even in a humorous way, there is something inside me that is beginning to feel odd, like the smallest needle being pressed into my stomach. As I eschew more and more from my chaotic nature, I find myself falling farther and farther into the subtle darkness, as if there is some unseen force swallowing me whole, stripping me of something I know is vital... Or maybe I'm so bored I've given myself stomach ulcers.

I was sitting in Apploosa, just outside one of the saloons they had there, when I was approached by quite the flamboyant looking stallion.

"Discord?" He said, giving me a genuinely curious, half-cocked smile. "I couldn't help but notice ya all by yer lonesome... And well, I can't say I haven't heard about your recent misadventures in Equestria neither..."

"Oh?" I said, noticing the star badge he wore on his leather vest.

"I just want to make sure that you ain't plannin' on doing none of that funny business here,"

I looked up at him. "No, I'm just finding myself in a drag is all, just came out here to think,"

"Really?" he said, sounding almost like he was a little disappointed by my answer.

"Yes, I promise I won't lay a claw on the town,"

The sheriff gave me a sly smile. "Ya know, the sheriff side of me is relieved by that. But I have to say, I expected a little more exhuberance outta you,"

"Is that so? Well I suppose you came here for something else than to just ask me not to destroy your town,"

"You suppose correctly," he said with a small grin, before pulling a book out from behind him. I don't think I need to tell you the name of the title.

"I was actually hoping that maybe this little town could get some adventure in it; it'd do a lot of these ol' salts good. And well, I suppose if I'm gonna tell anyone this, it oughta be you... but I'm just about bored enough to get up and leave this place,"

"That makes two of us, sheriff,"

"Please, call me Braeburn"

There was a small silence, and I could feel as Braeburn stared at me with intent.

"Well I suppose if your not gonna liven the place up at all, could you sign my book?"

I was slightly taken aback by this. After an intervention from royalty about my book being horrible and poisonous to the land, it felt nice to have a fan.

"Sure," I said, taking hold of the tome in my hand. I dipped the tip of my claw in the inkwell that was hovering near my head, and scribbled my name on the inside, before handing the book back to Braeburn.

"Ya know, I wish I lived a life like yours. You can pretty much explore the world to your heart's content. No worries about anything." Braeburn tilted his head back, looking at the stars. "Adventure after adventure. You're a lucky soul, Discord."

I don't what it was about him, but I felt oddly inclined to reciprocate. He came to me and sorta lifted me out of the dumps... I don't see any reason why I couldn't do the same. So I hatched a little plan...

"You know what they say, Braeburn, there'e no place like home."

"Yeah, but I never get to leave home. I just wish I could- Dear Celestia!"

In an instant, Braeburn was on his hooves. His eyes had narrowed to fearful points, his gaze now fixated upon a whirling silhouette gainst the sunset.

"Is that a... Is that a tornado?!"

"It would appear so," I said nonchalantly.

Braeburn looked at me with an urgent face of distress. "Discord, this ain't what I meant by adventure! C'mon now, cut that out!"

It was too late though. I had already disappeared out of harms way, far away from the path of that tornado

Braeburn pranced in place frantically, as the twister approached rapidly... Eventually, his hat blew from his head, and he fled inside the saloon. He entered the building, only to find it completely empty. They must've already ran to the cellar behind the bar. Braeburn galloped and leapt clear over the counter, landing beside the wooden hatch that led beneath the building, only to find it locked from the inside.

"Let me in!" Braeburn screamed his voice barely audible over the hissing of violent wind. He pounded his hooves against the door, but there was no response. He continued to rap against the hatch, but was interrupted by the windows, as the glass exploded into the bar. He looked outside, only to see the tornado barely half a mile away. It would be here in less than a minute.

He panicked as his options ran out, fear overtaking his mind. Rain began to shoots inside of the bar, the increasingly violent winds blasting the water through the broken widows, each droplet that pounded against his face feeling like a small blade slashing against his skin.

"Discord!" he screamed at the top of his lungs, his mind at a loss for anything else to do. "You better stop this craziness right, now-oaaa-!!"

His thoughts were immediately interrupted by the foundation of the wooden building slightly raising, the structure now struggling to stay stuck to the ground outside. The bottles of liquor began tipping from the behind the bar as table and chairs flew toward the front of the building. Braeburn himself began scooting forward as well, unable to keep his purchase at the now steep floor.

He was headed directly for the door, and even though he scrambled to the move out of the way, his direction didn't change. In an instant, his hooves flew from his body, just barely catching the frame of the door, keeping him from flying out of the building, which had now risen far from the ground.

He felt as the house spun with the hurdling winds of the twister, centripetal force causing him to slowly lose his purchase against the frame.

He was only inches away from losing his grip, when the building slammed into the ground, sending him hurtling into the floor, and out off the small wooden stairs. The world was nothing but a twirling mess he couldn't make sense of, before landing amidst a large colorful courtyard, with a red and yellow spiral twirling out, before branching off into separate roads which led far beyond. Braeburn wearily picked his head from the ground, catching sight of a large group of ponies, all staring at him with awe.

"The Stallion has killed the Malicious Mare of the East!" said one of the ponies.

"It is true indeed! Look! Around his neck! He wears the wand of the mare herself!"

There were collective noises of wonder from around the crowd.

Braeburn struggled onto his hooves, looking amidst the ponies and noticed just how short they were. The tallest stallion stood only to the top of his legs. "What? Where am I?"

"Why your in our humble village of Brumbyland, here in the beautiful fields of Uz!

Braeburn's eyes lit up with realization.

"Oh Damn that Discord! I tell him I want some adventure and he throws me into a storybook. Lemme guess, I gotta follow that there yellow brick road to the Emerald Stable so I can get out of here. Oh, and I bet I got Ruby horseshoes and everything,"

Braeburn looked down, only to see his bare hooves. "Wait, what? I coulda sworn the book said ruby horseshoes..."

One of the small munchkin horses walked up to Braeburn, her eyes looking up meekly from behind her mane. "Excuse me sir, but why would you get Ruby Horseshoes? You already have her wand..."

Braeburn looked around his neck, only to find a pink tufted riding crop resting against his breast.

"Oh yeah, this is Discord's take on the story."

"Who has my sister's wand?!" came a booming voice from the sky. Suddenly, all the little munchkins began cowering in fear, as the looked into the sky and saw a black cloud of smoke hurtling toward the ground. It smacked into the center of the spiraled courtyard, before a navy blue spatial mane erupted from the smoke.

Braeburn couldn't help but take step back as the figure he knew as princess Luna emerged.

"Who killed my sister?" She said with a horrid cackle, looking about in a menacing manner. "Was it you?" She said, casting her menacing eye on Braeburn.

"Me? Oh nonono-"

"Why yes he did! Landed it right on on top of her I might say. Like a hammer hitting a nail, like a shovel filling a pail, like a scrawny man in jail!" said a voice behind him.

Braeburn looked around, only to notice Princess Cadence floating down in a bubble, before landing beside him.

"He did kill him, did he?"

"Listen, ah swear it was an accident!"

"Oh I can cause accidents too, pretty boy!"

Cadence stepped in front Braeburn, taking a defensive posture. "You won't lay a hoof on him, if you know what's best; I know my way around that crop on his neck!"

Everyone looked oddly at Cadence, who stood her ground, before the Malicious Mare of the West took a step back.

"I suppose you do... But don't you worry, I'll get you somehow, pretty boy! And your little-" scanned the ground in search of something, before she waved her hoof in a flippant gesture and flew off. Everyone watched as the black trail of smoke disappeared beyond the horizon.

Braeburn stared off into the distance. "Did Discord even read the book..."

There was a long pause as the cloud of small ponies and Cadence scanned the sky. Finally, the pink Alicorn turned to him.

"So Mister Sheriff... Braeburn was it? I take your not from here... No, far from it."

"No, Ah'm not... I'm from Apploosa, and I really want to get home..."

"Well it seems you've made quite the enema out of the Malicious Mare, the sooner you get out of Uz, the better you'll fare.

Braeburn couldn't help but blink. "Uh, did you mean 'enemy'?"

"Why of course I did! that's what I said. If you mince words longer she'll have your head!"

"Uh," Braeburn stammered out. "So I'm supposed to follow the yellow brick road now, huh? I gotta go see the wizard?"

"Yes, he resides in the Emerald Stable, how did you know? It seemed like you already know just where to go,"

"Yeah... Ah guess you could say Ah have a little foresight,"

There was another pause between them.

"Uh, miss Cadence?"

"Yes?"

"Why are you speaking in rhyme?"

"If you don't rhyme, you're going to have a bad time,"

Braeburn scrunched his face a bit, before Cadenced waved the thought away with her hoof.

"You know what I'll say, you know what to do. May the odds be ever in your favor, and the horse be with you."

Braeburn took a look at the winding yellow road that spanned into the hills beyond.

It was time to follow the yellow brick road.

The Wizard of What? Pt. 2

Yellow Cornstalks sprouted alongside the equally yellow road, stretching for as far as Braeburn could see.

“This thing is much longer than the book made it seem…” he thought. The sheriff had been walking for over two hours now, and yet he had seen no sign of the cornfields ending. The walk had so far been peaceful. It was almost as if a storybook version of princess Luna hadn’t declared herself his mortal enemy.

As he pondered his situation, he came across the last thing he expected… a fork in the path. His eyes widened with surprise. “What? Cadence didn’t say anything about this!” he took a look down both paths, but couldn’t discern any difference between the two.

“Say anything about what? I know you ain’t talking ‘bout me cause honey, I am magnificent,” came a voice from somewhere in the cornstalks.

“What?” said Braeburn, looking around for the source of the voice. "Who said that?"

“What nothin’ baby. Now what was that you was sayin’ about the road?”

Braeburn simply couldn’t locate the owner of the voice… or why he was acting so sassy.

“I’m sorry… but where are you?”

There was a shuffling in some of the cornstalks to his right, before a pony made of straw sauntered seductively from amidst the maize.

“I’m here and in your dreams, honey.”

There from the cornstalks, was a scarecrow, dressed in a tattered leather vest and ripped bell bottoms. The straw atop his head was done in a fancy and elaborate weave, and he wore several baby corn cobs as earrings.

Braeburn put his hoof to his face. “You’ve got to be kidding me,” he said with a sigh.

The straw pony’s eyes widened with a mixture of shock, disbelief, and unabridged sass.

“Oh no I ain’t, and you can walk your flat little booty to the left path and check yourself into the hospital, because jealousy is a disease hun, get well soon. No sir, I did not get my straw did all fancy to get lip from a stallion here lookin’ like he came straight off the set of Brokeback Mountain, but then again, ‘straight’ off the set might be stretchin’ it some, ya feel me?”

The scarecrow pony was now straight in Braeburn’s face, his head cocked slightly to the right. The Scarecrow held his ground, before he suddenly reeled away, his eyes shocked and apologetic.

“Oh my goodness, I’m so sorry about that, sometimes I just don’t know what comes over me… What was that you said about the split in the path?”

Braeburn stood there, completely stopped in his tracks. He could practically feel his head struggling to grasp the violent… and sassy tirade that had been unleashed on him. It took him a second before he finally came to his senses.

“Uh… I just need to get to the Wizard of Uz in the Emerald Stable… supposedly he can help me find my way home,”

The scarecrow gave him an inquisitive look. “Where do ya live?”

“I live in Apploosa,”

“Where’s Apploosa?”

“In Equestria,”

The scarecrow continued to give Braeburn a questioning look. “Where’s Equestria?”

“It’s…” Braeburn tried to find a way to phrase it that wouldn’t set off another explosion of sass from the scarecrow. “It’s far beyond anywhere in Uz… Ya see, that’s why I need to get to the wizard,”

“Oh,” said the Scarecrow, still looking a little perplexed.

“Excuse me, but if you don’t mind me asking… Why did you get so mad at me?” asked Braeburn, preparing himself for another string of angry words, but he was met with a sigh.

“Ya see, I have a little bit of an issue controlling what I say. I uh… I have no chill,”

Braeburn scrunched his nose.

“No… chill?”

“Yeah bruh, no chill, what the ears on your head don’t-” the scarecrow caught himself mid sentence… “Yeah, I have no chill. It can be a pretty big issue sometimes, but I can get by,”

“What would you do if you had some chill?” said Braeburn,

“Well,”

Suddenly, the scarecrow jumped to his hooves and broke into song.

Pro tip: sing to the tune of "If I only had a brain,"

(Prepare for a song corny enough to be ethanol,)
(Ha!)

I could hold a conversation,
Laugh with some elation,
Learn to shut my bill,

Instead of ranting all bewild'rin’
threatening to kill his children
if I only had some chill.

I could ask someone a question,
My temper not combustin'
Light him like a grill,

Braeburn hopped up next to him, joining in on the song.

You could watch just what you're sayin'
Stop your words from decimatin'
If you only had some chill.

The scarecrow trotted and pointed to himself dramatically.

Oh I, could just say hi,
Maybe talk with some normality,
Speak my mind with rationality,

Braeburn butted in

Not insult my sexuality!

Why I could speak with a demeanor,
Not try to break your femur,
And come in for the kill,

But you know I ain't mad because
You know that I'd be fabulous
If I only had some chill!

The scarecrow finished his song, before falling to the ground, looking up at the sky, he sat there for a second, before hopping to his feet,

"Hey! I just had an idea! You think that Wizard could get me some chill?"

"Well, I guess we could go see,"

"Well if I go off walkin' all that way he better get me some chill, I'm gonna need it to stop what ever it is I say to him,"

Braeburn pursed his lips.

"Right... We should probably get going.”

Braeburn started to walk, before realizing he still had no idea which path he was supposed to take. The Scarecrow noticing his confusion jumped to the rescue.

“It don’t matter which path you take, they meet up again down the road.”

“Right,” said Braeburn. “We’re off then.”

The two set off on the right path, the Scarecrow's hooves tapping slightly against the bricks of the road. Braeburn couldn’t help but glance over. Discord was sure flexing some artistic license with his interpretation of the story. And well, he would be lying if he said he was even slightly surprised. Though another thing was eating at the back of his mind… He had yet to meet the Tin Horse and the Cowardly Lion, and he was sure that Discord will have warped their personalities quite liberally as well.

There was also the Wizard himself… which was most certainly Discord. That was a given. There is simply no way that he would pass up that opportunity.

The two walked on in relative peace, letting the yellow road wind through the cornfields, which progressively evolved into a plain. A large forest began approaching as the two trotted onwards.

"Wow," said the Scarecrow. "I heard the forest was big, but sheesh,"

Braeburn appreciated the sheer size of the forest. It looked to span 100 miles to the north... and twice that distance south.

"Wait, you heard the forest was big? have you ever been down this way?"

The Scarecrow half looked over at Braeburn. "Maybe," he said, his tone slightly defensive. "Maybe I haven't, does it matter?"

"No, no, I guess it don't,"

The Scarecrow bit his lip and looked around oddly. "If it does, just say something," he looked off to the right, "Let me know if it does, cause I'd wanna know. If it's a issue just say it,"

"It ain't an issue,"

"Okay," he said, throwing his hooves up slightly.

There was a small silence as they approached the treeline.

"So how did you get here in Uz?"

"It's a long story,"

The Scarecrow looked around. "We ain't exactly pressed for time,"

Braeburn let out a small sigh. "Well, I said I wanted some adventure in my life, so someone decided it would be funny to send me here,"

"Well did you get want you wanted?"

"Not exactly, I thought he was just going to liven up the town a little, not throw me into a storybook,"

"Hey, at least he tried,"

"I don't think you get it, there is a difference between spicing up your life and... this,"

"Hey, I can accept that maybe Uz ain't like your souped up Equestica-"

"Equestria,"

"Whatever, but at least he did something!"

"So I suppose you're saying that sending me an entire universe away from my home is a nice gesture?"

"Oh quit your whining! Whoever he is, he sure put a lot of effort into it to send you here," the Scarecrow said. "At least you got someone who tries to make you happy, ain't nobody ever did nothing for me out in the fields,"

Braeburn went silent for a few moments.

"Hey I'm sorry, but still, he isn't exactly someone I trust,"

"I don't have chill, but I know I have some appreciation. Maybe that's just what you need,"

Braeburn didn't respond.

"Oh I get it, you're all upset now so you think you can give me the silent treatment. Well that's just- oomph!"

The scarecrow fell backwards rubbing his head in pain. He had walked straight into the woody embrace of the treeline.

"Well thanks for the warning there, Brae," he said in irritation, only to find the stallion in question staring in horror.

The Scarecrow followed his gaze, before he too found his eyes fixated on the forest. In the trunk of every tree, was a horrifying face that stared listlessly out in front of it. The gnarled mouths seemed to whisper and mutter, but neither of them could make anything of it.

"We have to walk through this?" Braeburn said incredulously. "I don't remember these in the book,"

"Now that I think about it, I don't recall a lot of people coming back from this way," said the Scarecrow, a meek grimace on his face.

Braeburn pursed his lips, staring at the trees. He was pretty sure that Discord wouldn't hurt him while he was here... But then again, this is Discord. Could he really trust him?

Suddenly, one of the faces turned to Braeburn and spoke.

"I got you a dollar," one of the branches began dangling a leaf in front of him.

Braeburn looked ahead at the Scarecrow, uncertain of what he should do. "Did that other path go through the forest too? Because I'm kinda thinking about backtracking..."

"This thing is pretty big... I would assume so. I mean hey, if ponies were able to pave a yellow decorative road through here, it can't be that dangerous, can it?"

Braeburn cast his eyes to the road, which wound into the demonic looking trees. "You have a point there... I guess,"

They looked at each other, silently trying to figure out whether or not it was worth the risk...

"Well," said The Scarecrow, taking a step into the treeline. "Nothing from nothing leaves nothing. We ain't gettin' no closer to the wizard just sitting here,"

Braeburn paused, before taking a step after him. He felt a small shiver snake up his spine, before paranoia began to rot at the back of his conscious. All he had to do is make it out of the forest alive... and then he could go home.

The gnarled tree watched Braeburn as he trotted. "Oh! You gotta be quicker than that!"

Author's Note

For the sake of preventing the Wizard of What from becoming the complete focus of the story, the next installment in Discord's horrible adaptation will continue after a few other entries.

November Snow

Happy Hearth's Warming everybody!

What was that you said? November? Thanksgiving? What is this blasphemy? Everyone knows that Thanksgiving is just Hearth's Warming's ugly stepsister.

We emerge from the pumpkin's, candy and Skeleton War, straight into a pile of freshly laid snow, with wreaths and boughs of mistletoe hanging absolutely. everywhere.

You'll need a priest and some holy water to exorcise my Hearth's Warming spirit... yet Ponyville didn't quite share my enthusiasm. No wreaths. No mistletoe. No snow. Some ponies had yet to even take their Nightmare Night decorations down!

Oh no. Oh no no no no. As I'm writing this, someone is putting up a Thanksgiving decoration. Sacrelige!

"Shoo!" I said, running toward the pony putting up the decoration. "Get out of here with that foo foo lame shit!"

The pony scrambled away from me, dropping the decoration. "What!? Are you not with it?"

I narrowed my eyes. "Gratata,"

With a snap of my fingers, the decoration exploded into a pillar of peppermint-y debris, coating the pony in a layer of sugary red and white. He went off screaming down the street, but I paid him no mind. Justice had been delivered.

That's when I had an idea... as I watched the pony turn the corner, his hooves sticking to the ground slightly as he scrambled, my brain hatched the most amazing plan

I'm not the holiday this town deserves... but I'm the one it's gonna get.

I stood atop city hall, a small, green mask obscuring my eyes, therefore completely concealing my identity. A few ponies on the ground had taken to gathering 'neath the building, watching as my red and white cape billowed behind me. Jingling bells hung around my neck, along with the emblem of a present on my chest.

I stared down at the masses, who watched me in anticipation. I could only imagine what questions were going through their minds... who was this handsome rapscallion dressed in delectably seasonal attire? What is he doing on top of City Hall? Why is his jawline so chiseled?

"Discord? What the hay are you doing up on City Hall?"

I turned to my right, only to come face to face with a perplexed Rainbow Dash.

"And what's with the... threads?"

I scoffed at the Pegasus. "Foolish fool! I am not this Discord you speak of... I am...

I spun around dramatically, sending green and red lights flying behind me...

"The Festive Package!"

Dash stifled a goofy smile. "You're calling yourself the Festive Package," she said with a hint of disbelief.

"Does this name not inspire awe?"

"I'd go back to the drawing board on that one," she said, hovering next to me.

"Darn, I knew it might be too emotionally moving,"

"Why don't you just stick with something simpler? Like, I dunno... 'The Gift', or something,"

"Nah, that's too clichè. That's what people would expect..."

"Well, still. What are you doing here?"

"Why what a holly jolly question! Allow me to answer your question with another question!"

Dash raised her eyebrow inquisitively.

"Have you ever wanted more than your average Hearth's Warming has ever been able to give?"

"What? Like more presents?"

"Why of course! More presents, more snow, more decorations, no stupid turkeys,"

"Is that what you're gonna do?" she asked "More Hearth's Warming?"

"But of course!" I said.

"As fun as that sounds, I don't think I could handle that much holiday,"

"Oh for the love of me," I said, splashing Dash's face with a small dose of magic. Soon enough, her eyes were spinning with small spirals. She stood there with a blank look on her face, before she snapped into action.

"Holy mother of mistletoe, Discord! This whole town is getting ready to celebrate an obese bird!"

"Yes... It's quite disturbing," I said, stroking my tuft of a beard.

"We have to do something about it!" she said, frantically concerned. "This looks like a job for... The Festive Package!"

"Yes, yes, I agree... First things first, every good Hearth's Warming should have some snow,"

"A nice layer of white!"

"Deep, smooth... Delivered by none other than the Festive Package,"

I raised my hands, letting the magic flow in large beams into the sky. Dash looked on in awe, before a blast of alabaster shot from my hands. There was a large, thunderous boom that echoed to the town below, before the sky blackened. The sun was blotted out completely, before a thick layer of snow crashed upon us both.

Dash popped out of the new layer of white, before shaking the snow out of her mane. "Wow! Look at all this white stuff,"

"It is a lot of snow," I said, before I turned toward her, only to find her catching snowflakes on her tongue.

I took this moment to survey the crowd that had gathered beneath us. Everyone was looking around oddly, popping up from the layer of snow I had half buried them in.

"Ahh! Much better. Now that we have the weather out of the way, what say we hop down there and embroider the town in the proper decor?"

"I say we get down there and do Hearth's Warming right!"

"Indeed!"

Dash and I then took off into the snow filled town, hopping from the top of the building. I watched as everyone reacted to the new chill of the air, a few still shaking the snow from their coats.

Dash looked around, eyeing the buildings. "I think the streets could do with a few ornaments. What about you, Festive Package?"

She was absolutely right. "And a few pine trees as well," I added.

"Add that to some ribbons and bows, and you've got some holly for your jolly!"

With a snap of my fingers, pine trees sprouted at intervals along the sidewalks, decorated with colorful ornaments. Ribbons unfurled in a spiral around each one, before shooting off of the tree itself, and spiraling around the neighboring fixture. Lights connected to lamposts in an endless series of color and festivity.

Dash turned to me. "Excellent! These streets are looking quite magnificent! However, I feel as if we could do more..."

"I concur," I said, eying the sidewalk. "Oh! Snowponies! How could we forget the Snowponies?" I said, watching as Dash brought a hoof to her face in disbelief.

"How could we have neglected them?" she said. "We need some snowponies! Stat!"

With another snap of my fingers, we watched as little blobs of snow molded themselves into ponies of all ages. I wrapped a few scarves around their necks and gave them a couple of stone eyes, letting them settle in with the rest of the decor.

We strolled along, appreciating our work...

When suddenly, disaster struck.

"Discord! Turkey decoration! 3:00 o'clock!"

"What? Take cover, Dash!"

The both of us dove behind a particularly large pile of snow, panic smitten across our faces.

"What do we do, Discord? The enemy has survived the first wave of winter cheer!"

"Not to worry, they soon will realize their fo- lalalala,lalala - lly,"

"How will we make them do that?"

I gritted my teeth. "Follow my lead."

I emerged from behind the small mound, taking aim at the decoration.

"Bah, Humbug!" I said, launching a vicious white snowball, which blasted the turkey off of the wall.

Dash emerged from her cover as well, launching a snowy projectile of her own, hitting the Thanksgiving soldier as he lay dead on the ground.

"Give thanks for that! Yeah!" Dash turned to me, holding her hoof up for a high five, which I promptly returned.

"Dash? Discord?" I looked up, catching sight of a scaly purple figure staring out of the window. I hadn't noticed it before, but the turkey was on Twilights new castle.

"What are you two doing?" said Spike, confusion turning his question into a deadpan.

"Bringing forth the bounty and wonder of Hearth's Warming, civilian!" blurted Dash, saluting her hoof.

Spike turned to me, an aggravated look across his face. "Really? C'mon, Discord. That's not Dash talking. Not of her own will, at least,"

"Oh lighten up! You're a baby dragon! More holidays is supposed to be fun for you!"

"Twilight's having migraines with all the uproar you've been causing, and trust me when I say this is the last thing she wants to deal with. She's gonna blow a fuse when she wakes up," he said, folding his arms.

As much as I hated to admit it, he was right. Twilight would surely shrivel up the Festive Package and his sidekick...

"Well I suppose she'll have to be the grinch of our little endeavor,"

Spike took a look at the street. "Be careful," he said, leaning back into the castle. "she's on a hair trigger to begin with. Oh yeah, you're a holiday too early, it's supposed to be Thanksgiving,"

"I hate Thanksgiving," I said.

"Okay then," Spike said, getting ready to shut the crystal window. "Happy Hearth's Warming,"

The both of us watched as he shut the blinds of the window, leaving Dash and I staring at the shutters.

"Holy mother of attitude, Discord!" Dash exclaimed. "What's with kids these days?"

I shook my head. "So jaded. Too wrapped up in other ponies problems to revel in the cheer,"

"What a shame," Dash said, shaking her head.

"Well, back to decorating the town!"

"Yes! It is quite beautiful so far... What do you propose we do next, Festive Package?"

I thought, raising a claw to my chin. "We have snowponies, ornaments, Hearth's Warming trees... what left is there to do?"

My smile stretched wider and wider as I realized what we had to do. "We have Hearth's Warming trees... But not the tree.

"Spike!"

No answer. Not surprising either, this castle was huge, and he could be anywhere in here.

"Spiiike?" she called out one last time just in case. Hmm, it figures. Nothing.

She let her head fall into the pillow. She regretted having to get out of her bed at all these last few days. What with Discord creating headache after headache for her to deal with recently. She just wanted a small glass of water, and right now she was contemplating whether or not it was even worth scrambling out of bed to get it.

She thought for a moment, before letting out a resigned sigh, using her back legs to kick away her sheets.

That's when she noticed it was unusually cold in her room. It normally got pretty chilly this time of month, but this felt like the middle of winter.

She trotted against the cold Crystal floor, feeling the chill even through her hooves. She made a mental note about getting the place carpeted.

She opened the door to the hallway, only to find herself staring down a hallway with doors she didn't recognize. This place was so big she'd get lost for 10 minutes at a time.

She was pretty sure one of the kitchens was down the right. She made her way down, cracking open door after door, before she finally found a kitchen. She trudged inside, looking around for a sink, or a barrel, or a spicket or whatever she would end up finding in this new corner of her home.

That's when she caught sight of one of the windows. Naturally it was open, letting cold air seep inside.

Twilight rolled her eyes and walked over to it, before having her irises assaulted by a seemingly unending blanket of white.

Snowfall? This heavy in the beginning of Novemeber? What was the weather team thinking? She added 'ask Dash about the crazy weather' on her list of things to do today.

That's about when she noticed the streets. They were completely covered in Hearth's Warming decor... Was Ponyville having a calendar malfunction?

That's when an earth shattering reverberation blasted through the floor. Twilight jumped at the sound, nearly losing her balance as she was lifted from her drowsiness in a single din. She redirected her attention at the window once again, watching as a strange green pyramid began sprouting from the ground in the outskirts of the town. Twilight had a thousand theories coming to the front of her mind...

And right about now, one was starting to shine a bit brighter than the others.

She watched as the pyramid grew even further from the ground, casting a huge shadow over the town, as the tip of the object ascended further and father to the heavens. The base of the object almost as wide as Ponyville itself...

Finally, the noise died down, as the huge pyramid turned out to be a... tree.

She didn't need any further confirmation. Even as ornaments began appearing on the massive pine needles, she was already on her way out of the window.

Today was already turning out to be another massive headache.

10 Months Late to Dinner

Where am I?

...

Am I dead?

All I see is darkness... An impenetrable void of black. There is no light in this abyss... no reprieve from this tenebrous nightmare...

And it's all I've known for what might as well be eons. Oh, I should have listened to Celestia when she first gave me those warnings, but I had to be all stubborn and get on her bad side for the third time. Oh how much woe and pain my stupid little journal has gotten me into, so much wasted energy on causing mindless mischief to ponies who didn't even deserve to have their days disrupted...

And what of Fluttershy? For all I know, centuries could have gone by, and she will have aged and passed, along with her children's children... All I will have when I return... If I return... Are the Alicorns, and I don't even think I could face them after this...

I almost don't remember why I was punished in the first place, but if memory serves right, I tried to bring Hearth's Warming a little early... and after decorating Ponyville in a festive layer of cheer, I got a little carried away and decided to decorate Canterlot as well. One thing lead to another, and I was on my way to move that pesky sun out of the way so that Equestria could stay my little snowball for just a little while longer...

And then... Blackness.

What a fool this old Draconeqqus has been. If anyone can hear me, I just want to say... I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt anyone, honest... Something inside me just took over... and I couldn't stop myself.

What's funny, is I can almost hear Fluttershy scolding me in my head.

"How could you have even thought of doing such a thing?"

Yeah, that sounds about right, and she'd probably say something like: "Don't you know how badly that affects everypony? And what about all the poor little animals that are freezing out there in the snow?"

Yeah, I can almost hear her meek little voice, just upon the edge of the blackness.

"So then me and the girls followed Dash to her house and had a long stern talk about letting go, right Dashie?"

What?

"Y-yeah,"

Was that... Rainbow Dash? Am I finally losing a grip on my conscious?

"Well I think that's a wonderful lesson to have learned, Rainbow Dash. And hey, what's wrong with a little early snow?" Said a voice that sounded awfully like a hypocritical Celestia... "I'm sure the town enjoyed the few days of snowfall,"

"Well I'd take a few days of snow over that nightmare Discord tried unleashing," said a voice that sounded a lot like Twilight's. "I was having headaches every other day with him and his stupid journal. Now I can go to sleep and not have to worry about a disaster somewhere in Equestria,"

"Hey, C'mon Twilight he's right there, I know that you have a little bit of bad blood, but please show him a little respect... If you don't mind"

"As a matter of fact, I do mind, Flutershy. He was a catastrophe everywhere he went, and I don't care if his statue is right there!"

Statue?! Again? Well isn't this a delight. They couldn't think of a different punishment for once? I wouldn't mind seeing the moon this time of year, hell, Tartarus sounds like a welcome change of pace.

There was a small silence that befell the table after Twilight's remark, only to be broken by Rarity a few moments later.

"I know he caused so much mayhem, but I think you are being a little extreme, darling." Rarity took a small swig of her wine. "I mean this was 10 months ago darling, you don't even talk about Tirek this way anymore."

"Tirek happened one time. Chrysalis happened one time. Sombra at the most, happened one and a half times. But Discord... This is his fourth time. Once with Celestia in the past, once when he came back, once when he forgot who's side he was on, and now he gets to serve a sentence for his latest crime."

"Twilight," said Celestia's comforting voice. "He was disturbing the peace at the very most. I could have easily moved the sun back to wherever he wanted to put it,"

"That's not the point! He's defacing the peaceful name we have as ponies! What would the Griffins think, or the Yaks, both of whom rely on our responsible use of the sun? He disturbed may citizens of many nations, and should be punished as such,"

"Oh come on Twi, it was missing for an hour and a half, tops," said Dash's voice.

"That is not the point. We have to curb his behavior, otherwise he will continue to get worse and worse! The last thing we need is Discord swearing allegiance to the next villain to escape Tartarus!" There was a thump, as Twilight fell back into her chair. "So I took upon myself to do something."

"Okay now you're just being downright mean, Sugarcube!"

"Oh Applejack, I'm sorry, did you have to travel across Equestria to fix every mess that Draconeqqus left across the land? I spent months alone repairing the bad name Discord left in Las Pegasus and righting the wrongful disdain for the Exgalloper. Or what about the pregnancy disaster that hit the Crystal Empire, huh? Do you have any idea how much afterbirth I've seen? Almost more than the amount of marital crises I'd been tasked with solving! And I'm willing to bet that Braeburn's disappearance has something to do with Discord as well!"

"Hey, don't you bring my family into this, Twilight Sparkle! This is about you!"

"You're right," said Twilight cooly. "It is about me, and that's why my decision remains. I froze him in the statue, it's in there he will stay,"

There was a second silence, before a different voice broke the void.

"Uhh... Shining and I are going to step outside until you figure this out... See ya later, Celly,"

"Good to see my brother, Captain of the Royal Guard, flees at the sight of an argument,"

"Have a good night everyone," said Cadence's unabashed voice.

Rarity let her head sink into her hooves. "Goodness, I got all dressed up just so I can sit through a shouting match. What's worse is that I think the staff is too afraid to kick us out,"

"Out," Twilight rolled the word over her tongue. "That reminds me, Celestia,"

The room fell silent as Twilights words filled the air. "Why would you let him out in the first place? What good could 'reforming' him ever do?"

Celestia paused. "I-I figured it was a good idea to befriend him, in case he ever managed to break free again,"

I could feel as Twilights gaze narrowed as she stare into Celestia's. "You're lying."

"Excuse me?"

The air hung heavy as Twilight spoke.

"Discord broke free from a museum out in the open, here in Ponyville. Are you telling me you left him in a public place, so if he ever broke out, he could wreak havoc without you knowing?"

Celestia remained silent and calm, but there was something sinister just behind her eyes, building with every brash word from Twilight.

"Are you telling me that you didn't think banishing the statue was a safer idea? Or even chaining it down in Tartarus?"

Everyone's gaze shifted to Celestia, who wore a stoic face.

"Well, Celestia?" Demanded Twilight.

Celestia's face hardened, as her voice lowered to an angry whisper.

"Do you have any idea what thousands of years of peacetime will do to you? I've been on this earth for far longer than I'd ever want to, and all of the time that passes seems to melt into itself. It's days like Discord attempting to usurp me, or Tirek rising from the underworld that keep me from losing my mind with every minute that passes. When you begin to count years like I have Twilight, you too will understand. But for now, as small as your perception of time is, I urge you to think of the low threat Discord poses,"

Celestia's eyes stared daggers into Twilight's bloodless face, who was now cowering in her seat.

"We have defeated him three times before. Do you really think he is capable of beating us now? Not only that, he has emotional ties. He won't upset Fluttershy again, especially after the trauma he put her through with his betrayal. He may be random and hard to predict, but he does not lack a soul!"

Celestia's voice was slowly rising from a whisper into a low yell.

"Finally, as much structural and marital damage he has done, not once has there been a casualty from his stunts, classifying them as no more than pranks brought on by his nature. As much as I respect the power of your decisions as princess, but this time I'm afraid I'm going to have to veto. Now Twilight, would you like to swallow your pride and free him yourself, or shall I?"

The entire table looked as if there was a weight lifted from their shoulders, save for Twilight of course, who's face seemed devoid of all the bravado it had just a few minutes ago.

Slowly, Celestia strode to the statute of Discord, before her horn lit with a powerful orange.

"Wow Sunbutt, you got fat,"

The table was silent as Discord chomped loudly on a large fruit salad.

"Your butt is definitely larger. Wider... firm... still very graspable if might say,"

No response from any of the mouths at the table, except for a slight look of disapproval from Luna, and a smirk from Celestia.

"Rarity, your mascara is just slightly askew, and the dark circles under Applejack's eyes have deepened exponentially."

The two looked at him with mild offense.

"Fluttershy, you look absolutely delightful!"

"Thank you, Discord,"

The Draconeqqus popped a large apple into his mouth. "Twilight, you look like someone kidnapped Spike! There's no need to be afraid of me Twily, I'm not mad about what you did,"

There was no response from Twilight.

"I mean you were only acting logical. I should have decorated Canterlot first, by prioritizing Ponyville over the capital, I had declared my utter disrespect for Sunbutt and everything she stands for, and such a public display of defamation should have been punished to the full extent of Equestrian law, isn't that right Celestia?"

Everyone looked to the princess of the sun, who was smiling contentedly. "Most definitely Discord, and if you ever disrespect my authority again, I will make you play 300 games of Monopony with Luna,"

"Monopony? Luna? Both of those things are repetitive and boring, how could you even think of putting them together?"

Luna shot her irritated look at Celestia.

Suddenly, Rarity stood up from the table. "With all due respect princesses, I have several large orders to fill and one sewing machine to do it on, so i'll have to bid you adieu,"

"Uh, Ah think Ah'm gonna go help Rarity with the dresses,"

Discord turned towards Applejack in astonishment. "I thought you hated all of that sewing business?"

"Oh, uh... Yeah, I guess I do, but Rare's needs mah help,"

"Me three!" said Rainbow Dash jumping out of her seat.

"Ooh! Ooh! I wanna help!" said Pinkie, following Dash.

There was a silence after the double doors of the restaurant closed, broken by Luna.

"It is well into sunset, and I must bring forth the night. I will see you at the castle, Celly,"

Luna stood up and began walking towards the door. "Twilight, would you like to come with me?"

Twilight gave a slow nod, before sliding off her chair.

Celestia returned to her salad as the table cleared out, dumping a generous amount of dressing over the dish.

"Hey Discord," said Celestia, waiting for the door of the restaurant to close. "I'd like to apologize on behalf of Twilight and Myself, I shouldn't have let her freeze you for something so... petty."

"Well, I accept your apology Celestia, and I myself would like to apologize to Fluttershy for missing the last 43 Tuesday brunches, I really wanted to show up, but I was a little... Busy,"

"It's okay Discord, I forgive you,"

Celestia gave a small smile. "Anyhow Discord, there is one last piece of business to attend to."

"Oh? And what is that?"

"Remember that diary I had you stop writing?"

Discord stopped mid bite. "I may remember that old ditty of mine... Why?"

Celestia produced a copy of the yellow book from under the table. "I'll be expecting another update on Tuesday,"

Discord gave a sly smile. "Oh this rusty quill of mine has been aching to write since I hopped out of that marble,"

"Good. I've been rather bored without it,"

"Oh I can't wait to let everypony know that the story is off hiatus! What with the episodes not coming out for awhile now and rumors of the show not doing so well as of late and the author hitting a rough patch of writer's bl--"

"Shh, we're not supposed to talk about all that,"

Discord gave a small chuckle. "Of course, of course. See? Look how long it's been since I've written anything. I had to resort to the fourth wall for some stale humor."

Celestia took a sip of her wine. "Oh yeah, and don't make anymore riding crop jokes. That's getting old too,"

"Thanks for the tip, Sunbutt!" Discord stood up. "Now if you'll excuse me Fluttershy, I need to start planning my next escapade that isn't a spinoff."

And with that "Wizard of What" reference, Discord snapped his fingers, leaving a slightly cliched taste in the reader's mouth.

Celestia finished off the last bite of her salad, as Fluttershy's soft voice broke the air.

"Hey princess?"

"Yes Fluttershy?"

"...Thank you for freeing Discord, I was really starting to miss him,"

"Don't worry about it Fluttershy, I was going to let him out eventually. I wouldn't have allowed Twilight to go on like this for much longer." Celestia gave a small chuckle. "She can be so set in her ways sometimes, that she loses sight of right thing to do." Fluttershy gave a small nod as Celestia continued. "But she'll be fine in a day or two. Just give her a little time to sort things out."

"I will, but I actually do have to get home and feed Angel, he gets real moody when he's hungry,"

"Of course Fluttershy, have a good night. I might stay for desert, do you want anything before you go?"

"No, I think I might have that Tuesday brunch a little later,"

"Tuesday Brunch? At night? On Saturday?"

"Yeah, we have a lot to make up for," said Fluttershy with a warm smile. "Enjoy your desert, Princess."

"I will," said Celestia with a chuckle. "You enjoy your brunch... or dinner..." Celestia smiled eagerly as a large slice of cake was placed in front of her. "Brinner... You know what I mean,"

Author's Note

Special thanks to Theblueant, who's PM asking me about the story gave me enough motivation to start back up.

Love is in the Air, and Actively Trying to Kill Me

I am very disappointed in all of you! Every single one of you! You have let your uncle Discord down, and he is not happy about it.

Remember how I said I would write my journal every Tuesday? Guess what. It's been exactly two Tuesdays since I last wrote. And not a single soul said a thing about it. I was expecting the streets to be on fire in every city across Equestria, I thought there would be political unrest, Celestia and Luna clinging for their last strand of power as they prayed for me to release the next section in my diary. But not a single word was uttered about my absence.

To be perfectly honest, you gotta yell at me sometimes. If this ol' Draconeqqus begins to wallow in the mires of indolence, it is your job to scream and let me know! C'mon! Yell, make some noise, spank me! Yes, in fact, do that last one. I respond well to that.

Well, I have had quite the adventure these last few weeks. I got to spend some quality time with Fluttershy the other day. She finally forgave me for the incident in Los Pegasus, and I can say that I'm truly thankful for that. I even got to spend a little time with that temperamental rabbit of hers. What's his name? Demon? No... It was something to do with heaven, not the other place... Saint? Cas? Oh yes! Angel. That's what it was. Also by quality time with Angel, I mean stifling my laughter as he flails around with his tail glued to the fan.

If you're reading this Fluttershy, please understand that I'm kidding. I would never hurt the little furball, even if he did bite me for trying to take one of his carrots.

But getting back to the point... You may have be asking yourself why I chose today of all days to do an update. It seems as if I just dropped off the map without much warning, and suddenly, I'm back. Well let me tell you that Cadence may kill me before I finish writing this, so I felt it urgent to record my latest story before she inevitably finds me.

I had a little fun in the Crystal Empire today, which I decided to pay a visit due to the fact that I had never actually been there before. New places for a being like myself are very rare, and so I felt it appropriate to stop by.

I teleported inside the castle, where the guards immediately had a fit. It took a lot of convincing and a strong sleeping spell, but I did manage to calm everyone down. I then began to explore, because I am just as curious as I am brutally photogenic. Up and down the stairs I went of the castle, down every hallway, into every corridor, and even some of the balconies. I must say that it is a nice castle indeed! But that's when I heard the funniest noises from the floor above me. I teleported my way up to the balcony on top of me, before turning round and noticing some voices coming from behind a drawn curtain. It sounded an awful lot like Cadance and Shining, but they were saying such odd things. In fact, Shining had to discipline his wife for doing... I don't know what she did. Apparently though, she was a "bad mare,". What odd nomenclature. That's when I was unceremoniously smacked in the face by this odd object... I picked it up and realized it was a riding crop! And what an adorable pink tuft on the handle.

Oh it all made sense then, Shining and Cadence must have been rounding up cattle, and silly Cadence forgot to herd them right, and they all got loose in the castle. So shining had to spank her for making such a silly mistake, and in a show of anger, tossed the riding crop that they must have been using out into the balcony.

Well I wouldn't want to intrude on such a pressing marital disciplining, so I took my business elsewhere. I do remember hearing a few ponies chatting in Ponyville about an artifact called the Crystal Heart. I've been dying to see it, so I decided to set out in search of it. I zapped myself down the sidewalks, and was immediately surprised to see an enourmous crystal statue in the likeness of a very familiar dragon...

Well would you look at that! Spike must be a celebrity here! Good for the little one.

But all of a sudden, I felt a disturbance in my nostril. I ignored it at first, but then it intensified. It became a flaring tickle all up my nose, as I felt a sneeze begin to charge inside of me. Then, with a mighty gust if air, fire and magic, I sneezed with the force of a platoon of Pegasi.

"Oh goodness, bless me," I said, wiping my nose and looking up at the statue, only to notice that I had accidentally turned it into something quite different. It was funny, what were the odds of me sneezing this piece of art into a statue of me shredding a guitar whilst I stood atop a bouncy ball? How strange.

Also that sneeze was weird too. I must have been having allergic reactions to something in the air, as I sneezed several times, subsequently causing other happenstances that I didn't quite mean to do. I was sightseeing the arena they used for the recent Equestria Games, when suddenly, a wild sneeze appeared!

Lets just say that the next Equestria Games are going to be near Cloudsdale. Oh yeah, and there was this baby shower, where everyone brought their little foals to congratulate the soon to be mother. She looked like she was about to deliver, and all the babies there looked so fragile... One sneeze later and I had accidentally... eaten all of their cake. Whoops.

And that's when I discovered the Crystal Heart! How magnificent it was, rotating on it's little pedestal. I heard that this artifact was capable of spreading unparalleled love and affection to all who came near it. With just a little magic, it could take two strangers and make them into the best of lovers. Why, it works so perfectly with miss Cadenza, seeing as she is the patron of love and, and- Achoo!

Whoopsie daisy, I had accidentally introduced a sneeze so powerful on the crystal heart, that I caused it to overload and shoot a brilliant pink ray of light into the air. It exploded like a firework, before raining down onto the city in bubblegum colored droplets. I conveniently had an umbrella to keep myself dry, all the while I watched ponies stumble around in confusion as they tried to identify this odd pink layer of rain that had showered over them.

There was nervous chatter and uncertainty that echoed plainly around the area, before everyone stopped and began looking at each other with the most odd expressions. What I saw was a carnal desire that suddenly needed satisfaction. All of their faces began to narrow, as they all began staring into one another's eyes. No one moved a muscle, until one solitary mare slowly trotted from her position to a tall brown stallion. They stared into each other's very souls, before the mare practically launched herself at her newfound lover. As their lips connected, the entirety of the square erupted into a scene of thunderous romance. My goodness, I was wide eyed and rosy cheeked for a good 3 minutes.

I then saw a pink figure swoop down into the square, looking around confusedly and frantically. Her mane was a mess, and she was flying kinda crooked.

And then she saw me.

"Discord!" She shouted. "I knew you had to have been involved. How on earth did you manage.... This?" She then took a look at the Crystal Heart, which was spinning rapidly, shooting little sparks here and there. Cadences face twisted to one of anger and disgust. "How dare you abuse these ponies emotions for your own personal enjoyment! This is an abomination to everything I stand for, and I will not allow it to-"

That's when she noticed something in my hand. Her face reddened even brighter than mine, before her hoof sank and her pupils narrowed. "That pink tuft on the end of that... How did you get my ridi-"

That's all I heard because let me tell you, I was outta there. And here I am, writing my diary in an underground bunker which I built a week ago instead of writing my diary. Oh yeah. I'm leaving this funny little riding crop here for you. Just in case I get lazy again. You know what to do.

Hmm... I wonder if Cadence and Shining managed to herd all that cattle without their crop.