I CAN WAIT
“Uggggggggggh. Where is she?”
With nopony nearby to give her an answer, Rainbow Dash resorted to flopping down backwards into the surface of the cloud she’d parked above the entrance to Sweet Apple Acres, sending puffs of vapor skyward as she landed. The sun was shining down on her face, but the light breeze wafting along at this altitude kept the light from heating her face and belly beyond a pleasant warmth as she waited. Just like she’d already been waiting half the morning. Some farm pony Applejack was if she couldn’t even surface before mid-morning. The other ponies on the weather team had given her the whole day off and she wanted to do something with it. Specifically, something that would leave Applejack eating her dust and acknowledging, once and for all, that Dash was the superior athlete.
But her potential opponent had so far stubbornly refused to make an appearance.
The sound of hooves striking the dirt below her cloud made Rainbow’s ears perk up. Finally! Either somepony was here or the tedium had started to mess with her mind. Rainbow peeked over the side of the cloud, only to find it was Fluttershy walking the long road towards the farmhouse, awkwardly hauling a heavy kettle in her mouth as she went. “Hey Fluttershy! What’s up?”
Fluttershy looked up in surprise. AJ would have known what to expect from a lone, stationary cloud over her gate. Still, Fluttershy put the kettle down and smiled upwards despite the oddly deep bags under her eyes. That stupid rabbit must have made her wake up early or something. “Oh, hello Rainbow. I just made some stew for the Apples and thought I’d drop it off for them. Goodness knows they shouldn’t have to worry about cooking right now.”
“Oh, yeah, that’s cool,” said Rainbow Dash, settling back into the spot she’d just risen from. She was getting a good groove going and didn’t want to waste that sort of progress if she could help it. “When you’re in there tell Applejack to shake a leg and get out here. I haven’t got all day.”
The quiet of the orchard returned as, with a huff, Rainbow Dash settled in to wait. A long minute passed, then she heard Fluttershy speak again. “Um... What did you say?”
Rainbow scoffed and sat up again. So much for getting comfortable. “I said tell Applejack she needs to hurry it up already.”
Fluttershy stared back at her in silence for a moment, a haunted and desperate glint in her slightly-too-wide eyes. “...Maybe you should come in with me and... get her. We can talk.”
Dash considered the offer only briefly before she shook her head. “I’m good up here. If I came in I’d probably end up missing Applejack coming out and she’d think I was the one who was late meeting her. Then it would end up being a whole thing, y’know? Just tell her I’m waiting.”
“If... if that’s what you want. I’m meeting the other girls at Twilight’s after this. We all wanted to get together for a little while, just us, since the train doesn’t leave until noon. Maybe you should come.”
Rainbow Dash flashed a wide, confident grin. “Sounds awesome! As soon as Applejack gets here I’ll bring her over and the six of us can hang. Bet I can beat her there in a hoofrace.”
“I... I have to go.” Fluttershy dipped her head and began to trot towards the farmhouse more quickly than before, then realized she’d almost forgotten the kettle. She doubled back to retrieve it and dragged it along beside her, head hung low. In the meantime, Rainbow Dash went back to idly twiddling her hooves and waiting. The buzzing and chirping of insects provided a steady, monotonous background as she occupied herself planning ideas for the rest of the afternoon. She hoped Applejack would have at least a couple of hours, but she’d need to make the most of them. The branches of the trees below were heavy with fruit and she was probably running behind schedule with the harvest as it was. Below her, Dash heard the dainty trot of Fluttershy’s approaching hoofsteps, this time coming from the farmhouse. They stopped right underneath the cloud for a long moment, but then picked up again as she walked away.
Minutes turned into hours, but still Rainbow waited. She chuckled a bit at that. And to think her friends said she couldn’t sit still for five minutes. Applejack would get it, though. Just as soon as she got here.
“Rainbow Dash!” said a voice that was distinctly not Applejack’s below her. Rainbow peeked over her cloud’s side to see Rarity scowling up at her. “Fluttershy said you’d be here. What are you doing? We need to leave now if we’re going to catch the train to Canterlot.”
Rainbow groaned. The cloud under her hooves was so much more comfortable than a seat on the train would be. “Meh. I’m not going.”
Rarity’s mouth fell open as she was struck dumb for a second, but her shock was quickly replaced by anger. “Not going? Dear, you can’t not go. We’re expected.”
“Watch me.” Canterlot was lame anyway, all those dumb stuck-up unicorns in stupid outfits. Just look at what Rarity was wearing right now. Didn’t she get hot in all that black? Then again she’d worn odder things in the name of ‘fashion.’ The more Rainbow thought about it, the less and less appealing the trip sounded, especially compared to just spending the day with Applejack. She probably needed help with the harvest but was too stubborn to admit it, that was why there were so many trees with fruit left to pick. Even an afternoon helping out here would be better than some stuffy ceremony.
“You’re being selfish. What am I supposed to tell the others, that you’re skipping out so you can take a nap? With everything else that’s already happened? Don’t be such a coward.”
Ordinarily the insult would have drawn Rainbow’s ire, but up here on the cloud she couldn’t even bring herself to care about what was happening below. It didn’t matter, not when she was wrapped in its soft, numbing embrace. “Tell them anything you want. I’m not coming. Now didn’t you say you had to hurry? Go catch your train.”
“You little brat! How dare you? You know what? Fine. If that’s how you’re going to be, she wouldn’t even want you there anyway. In fact, she’d be ashamed of you. I know I am, you... you...”
“Whatever, Rarity.” Rainbow retreated back to the middle of her cloud and tried to ignore Rarity’s sobs from below. Wow, what a drama queen. She was really laying the waterworks on thick this time, but then of course she’d care about a stupid trip to stupid Canterlot. Fortunately, Rarity did indeed have to catch the train she cared so much about, leaving Rainbow Dash once again basking in the peace and quiet. She did feel a momentary pang of guilt about bailing at the last minute, but she’d find a way to make it up to the girls when they got back later tonight. Whose idea had it even been to make two long train trips just so they could spend a couple hours in the city? Dumb idea from the start, really. They were going to feel pretty stupid when they realized that they were stuffed into a cramped and noisy train car while she and Applejack were outdoors enjoying the glorious afternoon.
But that afternoon dragged on and on and on with no sign of Applejack. Had she gone into town? She did know she was supposed to meet Rainbow right here, didn’t she? This was the usual spot, and always had been. But the hours kept slipping away as Rainbow sat waiting on the cloud that was starting to look a little frayed at the edges, with little wisps evaporating away every couple of minutes. But if Rainbow left to get more cloudstuff to repair it, she’d miss Applejack if she came by. When she came by. So she stayed and waited. While she waited she watched a flock of geese pass by. Their honking fell on ears that heard them without really bothering to listen. Hundreds of thoughts about everything and nothing flitted through her mind, none staying long enough to pierce the hazy boredom she wallowed in.
It was nearing sunset when she saw Pinkie Pie approaching the farm, her head low and her mane hanging down in a single flat sheet across her neck. Were they back already? How long had she been waiting? The rumbling in her stomach answered the latter question for her: too long. But that had its upsides too. As soon as Applejack showed up she could leverage her friend’s lateness into an invitation to their supper table if she played her cards right. Caught up in imagining the prospect of an unlimited buffet of cider and baked goods, she nearly missed Pinkie Pie calling out her name.
“Hey Pinkie. How was Canterlot? You girls have a good time?”
“That... that wasn’t really the point, Dashie,” said Pinkie, pain and confusion dripping from her voice. “Princess Celestia gave a speech, and so did Princess Luna. Twilight tried to, she tried really hard, but right in the middle of it she dropped her notecards and got all flustered. Then she started to cry and... well, she just couldn’t finish.”
Rainbow Dash scoffed. “That crazy egghead. I guess she would freak out over something like that. Sounds pretty lame, though. Glad I skipped it.”
“After that we mostly just talked. Things we’d done together and moments we remembered.” She made a sad attempt at a chuckle, but it died away quickly. “It’s pretty crazy what kind of things pop into your head at a time like this. Remember the time she tried to help me bake and we poisoned half the town? That was pretty silly, looking back.”
Rainbow Dash frowned. “Who, you mean Applejack? What made you think of that?”
The fields fell quiet for a long time as Pinkie just stared up at her, eyes red and bloodshot. At long last she spoke again. “Dashie? Is this all... is it some kind of prank or joke? Because it isn’t a very funny one. In fact, it’s starting to seem like the sorta scary kind of not funny.”
The mention of pranks made Rainbow Dash’s eyes light up. “Ooh, you know what? We should prank Applejack! I totally want to get her for being so late coming out to meet me. I’m thinking what if I hide in one of her trees with a basket full of oranges, then when she comes over and bucks it I... Pinkie? Pinkie, where are you going?”
Rainbow frowned at the retreating pony. It wasn’t like her to just turn and walk away while somepony was talking to her. Maybe she should go down there and see what was wrong. She walked to the edge of the cloud, but as she looked over the edge at the ground below a wave of dizziness flowed over her and she backed away, settling down until the surge of vertigo passed. Never mind that idea. Better to stay on the cloud and wait for Applejack. As long as she was up here Applejack would know where she was once she finally finished whatever it was that was keeping her. Just stay here until then.
By the time she’d recovered enough to open her eyes again Pinkie was long gone. The sun was beginning to dip beneath the horizon, painting the orchards below in hues of red, yellow, and orange that grew darker even as she watched. The moon rose to take its place and soon Rainbow was alone in the dark of night, craning her head back to look up at the stars.
“Room for one more?”
To Rainbow’s surprise the voice hadn’t come from below this time. She turned her head and saw Twilight hovering beside her, wings taking slow but powerful beats to keep her level. “Sure,” she replied and scooted over to make room for Twilight on the somewhat worn and patchy surface of her cloud.
Twilight gently touched down, the thinning material stretching close to its breaking point to accommodate their combined weights. “The others told me you’d been up here all day, I just thought you might want some company.”
“Yeah, that’d be cool. Although Applejack should be here any minute.”
Twilight settled onto her belly and draped a wing over Rainbow Dash’s back, but didn’t say anything right away. They just sat there together holding one another close. “You know,” Twilight finally began, “grief’s a funny thing. I’ve been reading up on it over the last few days, and about the only thing I found out for sure is that everypony experiences it differently. There’s no right or wrong thing that you’re ‘supposed’ to feel.”
“Huh. I guess that’s good to know,” said Rainbow, only half paying attention. “What made you decide to read about something like that? It sounds totally depressing.”
“Like I said, everypony copes differently. I guess for me it’s by doing research, but for somepony else it could be something completely different. It might not seem to make any sense to anypony, not even them. But it doesn’t have to last forever.” Twilight cast a meaningful look at Rainbow Dash, studying her face for... something. Whatever it was, the slight frown told Rainbow that she hadn’t found it. “Do you understand what I’m trying to say?”
Rainbow shrugged and looked away. “Not really.”
“Hmm. Why don’t we talk about something else then?”
“Like what?”
Twilight grinned. “You tell me. You’ve been sitting up here all day, right? What have you been thinking about?”
Rainbow tried to remember if anything particularly interesting had crossed her mind, but the whole day bled together into an indistinguishable blur. There wasn’t anything worth talking about.
Well, except for that.
The question had popped into Rainbow’s head unbidden a few times now, but she’d always pushed it right back under when it did. It was a stupid question anyway, and why would she want to talk about something like that? It wasn’t like Twilight would know the answer. The whole thing should just go away. Go away. Go away.
“Hmm? I didn’t quite catch that,” said Twilight, leaning closer.
Rainbow slapped a foreleg over her mouth. Had the question slipped out? She hadn’t meant for it to, and she refused to look Twilight in eye. “Nothing. It’s dumb. I’m dumb.”
“Now you know that isn’t true. Come on, what did you say? It sounded like a question, I think.”
“Yeah, it was. But it doesn’t make any sense so don’t bother,” muttered Rainbow. Maybe if she scooped up enough cloud and stuffed it in her ears she could pretend the whole rest of the world didn’t exist. And maybe the world would return the favor.
The part of the world that was Twilight Sparkle, though, was not so obliging. “Why don’t you tell me what it was and maybe I can help you make it make sense, would that be okay?”
Rainbow Dash sighed. No getting out of this one, it seemed. “Why don’t I tell ponies that I love them?”
Twilight was visibly taken aback, and tilted her head in confusion. “Huh?”
“I told you it was stupid. Forget it.”
“No it’s not. I just don’t quite understand what you mean. Could you elaborate?”
“It’s just... it’s like...” Rainbow made a vague gesture at the air in front of them with a hoof, trying to put the mercurial idea into words. Even now she wanted nothing more than to push it away again and slip away from the feelings it brought with it, but she knew Twilight would just dredge it right back up. Why was she so eager to talk about this stuff anyway? “Okay, so before you came to town and all the Nightmare Moon stuff happened, I only kinda knew the other girls. Like I’d seen them around Ponyville, but whatever. Then we got the Elements and we started hanging out and you all turned out to be super cool. We started as acquaintances, and then after the Elements we were friends, and then more time went by and it got even more intense. And by the time that’d happened it wasn’t like I needed to say anything, so I didn’t. When you think about it, isn’t that kind of messed up? I mean, Pinkie tells ponies she loves them all the time and nopony thinks she’s weird.”
“Uh...”
“Okay, bad example. But they don’t think it’s weird that she tells ponies she loves them. Why shouldn’t I tell them too? It’s not like it’s that hard. Like here; Twilight Sparkle, you are an awesome friend and I love you. See how easy that is?”
Twilight smiled. “Thanks, Dash. I love you too.”
“Right? See, it’s totally great that we all have that with one another. But... do we all know? Does Applejack know that I love her? Because I don’t think I’ve ever actually said the words to her. And when Pinkie says it to another mare nopony else thinks anything of it, but the tomboy with the rainbow mane is a whole other story. I know it’s just stupid colts saying stupid stuff about things they don’t actually know anything about, but I still hear it. Just because I love her doesn’t mean I want to swap spit and get freaky in the hayloft with her.”
“Rainbow,” said Twilight, stroking her friend’s back, “we all loved her. We all love you too, and we’re here for you.”
“So I decided something,” continued Rainbow Dash, rambling on without acknowledging that Twilight had said anything. “As soon as she gets here, I’m going to make sure that I finally say it to her. I have to know that she knows. I’ll stay all night if I need to. You know how early she gets up most days. As soon as she walks outside I’ll be the first thing she sees, right here waiting for her.”
“Come on, you don’t want to sit out here alone all night. Besides, look at your cloud. It’s practically falling apart.” Rainbow looked down at the the tattered cloud beneath them, which really was in a sorry state. Long rifts were opening up in the sides exposing fluffy white viscera to an uncaring world. One particular tuft had nearly escaped entirely, held to the main body by the flimsiest connection imaginable. Rainbow yanked it back and stuffed it into place again, fixing the rest of the wear and tear as best she could. “Come back to the library with me. My guest room’s free and I’ll feel better knowing you’re there.”
“I’m staying here, Twilight,” said Rainbow Dash, crossing her forelegs over her chest. “That’s final. I’m staying here and waiting for Applejack.”
“Please, Dash?” asked Twilight, but the pegasus had turned her back and gone back to staring down at Sweet Apple Acres, eyes searching tirelessly for any signs of her target in the darkness. “...Fine. I won’t force you, but I’m leaving the library door unlocked in case you change your mind.”
“Uh huh,” said Rainbow. The cloud must be in even worse shape than she had initially believed. How else to explain the occasional water droplets striking the dusty road directly beneath her face? It was colder up here than she’d realized, too, judging from the way she was trembling. “Look, no offense but I kinda feel like being alone right now.”
Twilight sighed. “One last thing. Tomorrow morning about an hour after sunrise, we’re all going to gather on the hill just past the western fields.”
Rainbow furrowed her brow. “You mean where Applejack’s parents are buried? Why there?”
“It’s...” Twilight struggled for the words. “I think we all have things we wish we’d said a long time ago that we’d like one more chance to get off our chests. I’d really appreciate it if you’d try to join us.”
“I’ll try. But Applejack—”
“Applejack will be there,” interrupted Twilight, her voice taking on an angry edge. She took a moment to clear her throat with a hacking cough and took a long, deep breath before continuing. “Trust me, we’ll make sure of that much. Please think about what I said. And remember, my door’s open if you need me. Day or night.” With that she hopped off the cloud and dropped to the ground below, sparing one last glance back before walking in the direction of Ponyville and leaving Rainbow Dash really, truly alone.
Rainbow occupied herself watching and listening for any sign of another pony, hour after hour ticking by. She was tired. She was so tired, and it didn’t even make sense. She hadn’t done anything today, so why did it feel like she’d just flown back-to-back marathons? At this rate she’d make herself look like an idiot trying to keep up with Applejack. She just needed to close her eyes for five, maybe ten minutes. A quick power nap and she’d wake up feeling like a new mare for sure. She bunched together what was left of the cloud to serve as a pillow and blanket, then laid her head down to close her eyes.
“Well if it ain’t the most stubborn-headed pegasus in Equestria. You’re still here?”
Rainbow’s exhaustion disappeared in an instant as she struggled to her hooves and bolted towards the edge of the cloud. Standing there in the middle of the road, the sunbeams caught by her blonde ponytail giving her an otherworldly glow, was Applejack. “Well it’s about bucking time you got here. You’re way late.”
Applejack shook her head and took a moment to adjust her hat, tilting it back so she could make eye contact with Rainbow. “Is that right? Feels like I got where I was going a bit sooner than ah’d really planned, but ah guess there’s nothing ah can do about it now.”
“Well, whatever. The important thing is that you’re here now, right? So I was thinking that we’d head down to the lake because I can totally hold my breath longer than you can, and I bet I can swim faster too, and—”
“Can’t, Dash,” said Applejack. “Ah’d like to, ah really would. But ah can’t. Gotta keep movin’ actually; there’s a pair of ponies waitin’ for me. Ponies ah’ve been missin’ a long time.”
“Oh,” said Rainbow Dash, her earlier enthusiasm draining away. She sighed. “Well, I guess that’s cool too. I’ll wait. You go do your thing and I’ll be right up here until you’re ready.”
“Ah don’t think that’s such a good idea. In fact, ah think you’d better come on down here with the rest of us now.”
Rainbow shrugged and nestled herself in the cloud’s folds. “I don’t want to come down. I’m fine here.”
“No you aren’t. And ah wasn’t asking. There’s ponies that need you and you ain’t doin’ them a lick of good perched up there wasting the day away.” Even though Rainbow wasn’t looking at her she could hear the scowl in Applejack’s voice.
“Well what about what I need, huh?” The surge of anger in her own voice nearly shocked Rainbow into slipping off the cloud right there, but Applejack just met her glare with her own stoic gaze. “I’m not supposed to be the dependable one, that’s your thing. I don’t think I’d even know where to start. You’re supposed to be the dependable one but you leave me waiting here all day while you’re off doing... whatever. Maybe I just want to do exactly the same thing. In fact, you know what? Maybe I’m never coming down. I’ll just take this cloud back to my cloud house and move to Cloudsdale and just stay there forever. Because the ground sucks. You wouldn’t get it ‘cause you’re an earth pony but I’m not. It’s all hard and dirty and gross and I don’t wanna go there. I don’t want to and I’m not going to.” With a final huff she turned away.
And then the lasso burst through the bottom of the cloud and wrapped around her midsection, pinning her wings to her side.
“Afraid ah’m not givin’ you much choice, Dash,” said Applejack. Rainbow felt a sharp tug on the rope dragging her downward, and a patch of the already threadbare cloud under one of her back legs gave out, evaporating away even as she struggled for purchase. “This is how it’s gotta be.”
Her eyes wide with panic, Rainbow struggled against the pull of the rope, but it was a losing fight. The cloud wasn’t holding. “Applejack, please. Please don’t make me. I’ll do anything, I swear. I don’t want to fall; it’s gonna hurt too much.”
Applejack shook her head, jerking Rainbow side to side, and spoke through teeth clenched down on her end of the rope. “Ah know it’ll hurt, but there’s nothin’ for it. Has to be done. You’re a tough pony; you’ll live. You’ll go on livin’ even if it hurts, understand? One of us should.”
The cloud split in half and Rainbow wrapped her forelegs around the larger piece, clinging to it for dear life even as it disintegrated under her hooves. She stared at the ruthless mare dragging her down, who looked back up at her with tears in her eyes even as she redoubled her effort. “Applejack, I love you. I love you and I never told you because I was being stupid but I love you and please don’t do this Applejack please stay here and we’ll do whatever you want I don’t even care but I just need you to stay because I never told you and now I never will and you can’t do this.”
The pressure on Rainbow’s barrel slackened just a bit, and Applejack smiled up at her. “Ah love you too, Rainbow. And you didn’t have to tell me. Ah knew. Always have and always will.”
Then she gave the rope one final yank and Rainbow Dash fell.
The impact of hitting the ground sent pain shooting through her wing as she landed roughly on her side, eyes snapping open as she gasped for breath. She groaned as she pushed herself up, spreading her dirt-matted wing and checking for injuries. The first rays of dawn were just enough to see that there wasn’t any major damage. She looked up to where her cloud had been to see just a few tattered remnants of it drifting apart, destroyed beyond any semblance of repair. Applejack had...
It was only then that Rainbow Dash realized that there was no rope wrapped around her barrel. She looked around trying to catch a glimpse of where her friend had gotten off to, but Applejack was gone.
She was gone and she wasn’t coming back.
Rainbow’s scream tore through the sky. She collapsed, still screaming, onto the hard, unforgiving, rocky ground. The pain of the stones digging into side her didn’t matter. Nothing mattered. She went on screaming and thrashing at the ground until her hooves bruised and her spittle was flecked with blood from her raw, torn-up throat.
That was how her friends found her, some time later. Hunched up into a little ball and wide eyed as she tried to give voice to the pain, even though her voice had long since given out and all she could do was stare ahead as reality washed over her. Wordlessly, they helped her pick herself up and offered her what few insubstantial comforts they had before all five of them continued on their way towards the hillside with the three graves. Two were old, their markers weathered by long years and grown over with tastefully maintained grass and vines. And next to them was a third, a freshly opened wound in the earth awaiting its eternal occupant.
