The Lunar Spartans

Firefight

Inside the New Lunar Republic’s headquarters

Luna was dreaming, and she was dreaming a nice dream. That’s why it was her favourite dream to dream, and not a nightmare.

That’s a very bad dream to those of you who didn’t already know.

I’m looking at you Padawan and GareBare. Yeah, you know you didn’t know what a nightmare was before reading this.

So, anyway, Luna was dreaming a nice dream, a good dream, a dream in which she had finally achieved her ultimate dream and crushed her sister’s dream, itself a nice dream but we’re not going into that dream because it means going to the Solar Empire and I don’t want to do that. Blegh.

Right, where was I? Ah, yes. Luna’s dream that she liked to dream because it was a nice dream.

Now, rather than tell you what makes this a nice dream I’ve decided to show you why her dream is nice.

Through the power of WORDS!

(Swirly sound effect, wavy transition scene change thing)

Oh, and did I say dream enough? I don’t think I said dream enough.

Dream.

There, that should just about do it.

Inside Luna’s dream where everything is awesome!

(Swirly sound effect, wavy transition scene change thing)

The regal throne room of the New Lunar Republic surrounded Luna, banners bearing its logo spaced at regular intervals between the windows, and a fountain containing Tranquillity Moonshine was to her left.

To her right was her new found lover, Twilight Sparkle, and her beloved Tiberius, both of them congratulating her on succeeding against Celestia who, because this was Luna’s favourite dream, was sprawled before her, defeated and wearing a dunce hat that looked absolutely ridiculous on her but fabulous on Luna.

Why, you may be asking?

Well, it is a dream. Seriously, GareBare. It’s got to be the most obvious thing in the world.

And in Luna’s dream, she looks absolutely fabulous in anything anypony anywhere could design and create.

But right now, the only thing Luna wore was a smile that was equal parts smug and equal parts benign ruler (though mostly smug).

She smiled at her sister with that smug smile and said, ‘At last, sister, we have finally put an end to our squabble in the way it could have only happened!’

‘You’re right, as always,’ Celestia said in a thick as pig shit voice, drooling. And because this was Luna’s dream, and all her dreams came true in this dream, this Celestia was so stupid she managed to mess up drooling. Somehow. ‘I was wrong, as always, and now you’ve finally defeated me like the beautiful, smart, and inexplicably sexy ruler that you are. Everything I’m not.’

Luna giggled and made a show of waving the compliments away even though she wanted Celestia to keep going.

‘Oh, I know,’ Luna said once she’d stopped waving. ‘I even managed to turn you most trusted and beloved student and aide to my side, and now we are in love!’

Twilight blew a kiss Luna’s way, fluttering her eyes at the princess as well, while Tiberius held up a sign that read, ‘I’m so happy for you!’.

Luna blew a kiss back at both of them then turned back to her defeated sister.

‘How could you not be?’ Celestia said. ‘You are powerful, wise, and beautiful beyond description. Nopony could resist that. Even I, your defeated and incompetent sister who hates you with a passion yet still respects you as a better leader, find myself attracted to you despite the fact such thoughts are incestuous and have no place in Equestria, or anywhere else. Except maybe Norfolk, and possibly Arizona.’

Luna laughed. ‘You are correct in this one instance, my sister. I am beautiful and wise, and that is what swayed Twilight Sparkle to my side and bed. But you were wrong about everything else, were you not?’

‘I was,’ Celestia said. ‘I was wrong about so many things and my inability to admit my wrongs and concede to your superior and infallible mind led to a pointless war which, from the start, I was destined to lose because I was wrong and an incompetent leader.

‘Cupcakes are better than muffins.’

Even though this was a dream, and everything said by anypony or opossum was always going to make Luna feel good (which she was fully aware of), it was still nice to hear Celestia admit to her faults.

Luna’s smile increased its smugness level by a factor of 3.8, only to falter when a faint thump echoed across the entire room, followed by faint gunfire.

Then, as if to signal the beginnings of a nightmare (a bad dream to you, GareBare and Padawan), Those Two suddenly popped into existence in front of the Moonshine fountain, their Warthog appearing above it and smashing the exquisitely crafted marble depicting White Tail Woods-

Thunderbolt.

Bet you thought I’d leave that recurring gag in the last chapter, eh? Well guess again!

...

Okay, I’ll leave it alone. Jeez, some readers.

-before Applejack had turned it into a poorly run brothel.

‘Yeah, you mother humpers!’ Dawson bawled, firing his assault rifle into thin air. ‘For the New Lunar Republic!’

‘Yup,’ Jackson added in his accent that so annoyed Luna to hear. ‘I’ve got a lovely bunch of grenades, there they are standing in a row. Pull out the pin, toss at the enemy, that’s what the black market arms dealer said!’

He tossed a number of the devices at some far off and suddenly materialising box of Tranquillity Moonshine that bore a label declaring it the very last batch to be made.

Luna reached her hoof out in slow motion (so she still looked awesome) in a vain attempt to reach the booze before it was gone forever but alas, like the bad dream this had become, she failed to reach it and the frags went up in an explosion of confetti, rainbows, and children going yay, taking out the booze.

‘Skulls on,’ a voice from nowhere said as the swirly noises and wavy scene transition stuff started happening again, signifying this was the end of Luna’s dream and that we were heading back to the land of...

Well, not quite reality because this is fan fiction and technically doesn’t quantify as real because, as the name suggests, this is fiction created by a fan. There is no reality to be had within this story, just a poor attempt at humour from me, and ergo, we cannot go back to reality and-

KA-THUNK!

(Falling body noises)

Sorry about that. He tends to get a little but metaphysical after eating a baby. Now, on with the crack!

Back in reality, which sucks.

Luna cracked her eyes open, the last few images of her dream turned not-good dream lingering, to see the sleeping face of Twilight Sparkle before her, and behind the younger princess was the sleeping face of a nearby guard who was up for a threesome.

She groaned inwardly and let her eye rove around the room, trying to figure out why Those Two had shown up in her dream and ruined it, but only saw Tiberius hanging from the frame of her bed by his tail, asleep, a sign dangling next to him with the following on it.

Luna: 48

Twilight Sparkle: 39

Big Macintosh: 0.5

So, the little opossum had been keeping score all throughout the night. Luna would have to get him something nice after hearing three ponies have eighty-eight orgasms between them in the space of four hours.

They would have been done an hour sooner but Big Macintosh had an ungodly amount of endurance to say both Luna and Twilight had done their best to make him cum, even breaking out some of his sister’s special lotions to make his two foot meat feast more sensitive.

But, that was all in the past and right now, Luna was caught between letting her body recuperate from the night’s activities and finding out what had caused her dream to become a nightmare.

She looked around her room as best she could without moving any part of her body, especially her hind quarters, but saw nothing out of the ordinary so turned to her sense of hearing instead.

Creaking pipes, the gentle snores of Twilight Sparkle and the more rumbling ones of Big Macintosh as he spooned Twilight Sparkle, hoof draped over her shoulder.

The younger Alicorn began mumbling in her sleep.

‘Yes, Cadance,’ Twilight mumbled. ‘Wave your... wave your rump in my face like that again. I can see your pink pearl.’

Luna frowned at her lover.

‘Too bad you’re a Sunny,’ Twilight said, snuggling closer to Luna. ‘And Luna can make me cum way more than you could.’

Luna smiled at her lover.

‘And stop poking my back,’ Twilight continued. ‘Poke me... poke me in my purple pearl.’

Behind her, Big Macintosh went, ‘Eeyup,’ and began wriggling.

Luna guessed he had grown that fifth leg again and that both he and Twilight were having vivid dreams.

Twilight began groaning softly, contently at first but they turned unhappy when Luna nudged Big Mac awake, making him stop dry humping the mare before he could progress any further.

‘Eeyup?’ the stallion half whispered, half groaned as Twilight herself started to wriggle, likely trying to finish what Mac had inadvertently started.

‘See if something’s happening outside,’ Luna said in a whisper. ‘I have a feeling there is.’

The stallion groaned but complied, rolling away from Twilight and making her moan in frustration though she was soon soothed once Luna’s hoof filled in Mac’s place, and Big Macintosh got out of the bed and walked stiffly to the nearby window.

He pulled the curtain back a smidgen to look outside.

‘Well?’ Luna asked as Twilight began chewing on her mane, a strange habit that meant she was close to getting off.

‘Looks like an attack’s about to happen,’ Big Mac said. ‘Must be the entire Solar Empire out there.’

‘Are we getting ready to meet it?’

‘Eeyup,’ Mac said.

‘Is Squealing Wombat at the forefront?’

‘Eeyup.’

‘Do you think they’ll repulse it long enough for us to see to your, ah, affliction?’

‘Eeyup,’ Mac said as Twilight’s whole frame arched, Luna’s work taking its toll on her body, and she came for the fortieth time that night. Or morning. Luna was quite sure what it was.

‘Then come back here,’ Luna ordered in a sultry voice as Twilight woke up, blinking heavily as her wakeup call faded into the haze of all the others. ‘And Twilli and me can see about easing your burden.’

‘Eeyup,’ Mac said yet again as Twilight and Luna, begrudgingly and a little sorely, made space for him between them and let the massive stallion lie on his back and expose his massive erection to them both.

‘Let’s see if we can bring him to one an hour,’ Twilight said, her hooves running up and down Mac’s cock.

‘Yes, let’s,’ Luna said in agreement.

Mac just let out a content sigh and said, ‘Eeyup.’

On the Solar Empire’s side of things. Blegh.

Celestia narrowed her eyes as she looked out at the New Lunar Republic’s headquarters, focusing on the mass of black clad troops pouring out and rushing to defensive positions, ready to repel her golden army.

A soldier trotted over, a touch screen tablet tucked under his wing, and came to a halt beside the princess, saluting.

‘Ma’am, all our forces are in place and awaiting the order to attack,’ he said.

‘Good,’ Celestia said. ‘And what of my sister? What is she doing to forestall her doom and downfall?’

‘Twilight Sparkle and Big Macintosh, your highness,’ the stallion said, holding the tablet out. ‘The three are currently engaged in a threesome, completely neglecting the fighting.’

Celestia snatched the tablet from the soldier and just stared at the screen which showed a feed from a hidden camera a Solar Empire spy had installed months ago to, well, spy on Luna and figure out what she was up to.

‘She’d rather 69 my former pupil as the two of them use their magic to jack off a farmer turned solider?’ she shrieked upon seeing the live feed.

‘Apparently,’ her companion said. ‘We’re calling it Princess Barnyard Adventures Part 2 and it should be up for sale around an hour after they finish. Part 1 is selling quite well, actually. Nearly fifty thousand copies sold since last night.’

Now Celestia turned to the Pegasus, not quite understanding what she was hearing.

‘You what?’ she said.

‘Well, the figure is probably close to sixty,’ the pony beside her said. ‘The counter of how many have been sold only updates every six hours. The next update should be due in-‘ He checked his watch. ‘-five hours.’

‘You’re selling this?’ Celestia yelled, pointing at the tablet as it showed Luna and Twilight eating each other out, Twilight on top, while next to them two different shades of magic were working on Mac’s dick as he lay next to them. ‘Wha- Why?’

‘Because Celestia’s Courtships weren’t selling so well anymore. Turns out, ponies are more attracted to your sister than they are to you. Something about a firmer plot and her being more open to bondage and the like, unlike you who just fucks them and does nothing special. Not even a blow job.’

For the first time that day, Celestia was quiet.

‘My what?’ she finally said.

‘Celestia’s Courtships,’ the stallion said. ‘It’s a weekly instalment where we sell off your nightly meetings with whichever stallion says yes. Maybe if you were bi and started sleeping with other mares, like Luna, your sales might go up again. Or got adventurous in the bedroom.’

For the second time that day, Celestia was quiet.

‘You’ve. Been. Recording. Me?’ she said.

‘Well, yeah,’ the soldier said, seemingly oblivious to the peril he was in. ‘We used your room as a dry run for Luna’s and we never got round to taking the cameras out, or telling you, and me and a few of the guys figured it’d be a good way to make money.’

Celestia narrowed her eyes at the pony.

‘Do you like bananas?’

And now for something completely different

King Leonidas of Sparta, Ron Burgundy of San Diego, and Andrew Ryan of Rapture came to a halt behind some bushes and peered past them to where a pack of rabid Scouts were stood, clumped together and repeating ‘Need a dispenser here’ over and over again.

‘Oh, man,’ King Leonidas of Sparta said, looking with disdain at the Scouts. ‘I hate Scouts.’ He leaned closer to Andrew Ryan. ‘So what’s the plan for getting past those guys?’

The founder of Rapture, wearing a tailored suit and wielding a golf club, leaned closer to the Spartan king destined to spawn numerous memes following his death and subsequent film deal, and said, ‘Live bait.’

‘Good idea,’ Leonidas said before registering what Ryan had said. ‘Hey!’

‘Come on, Leonidas,’ Ryan said. ‘You guys have to create a diversion. Otherwise we’ll never get to the launch of the Lunar Spartans, Chapter Eleven.’

‘What do you want me to do?’ Leonidas hissed. ‘Dress in drag and do the hula?’

One moment later...

‘Luau!’ Leonidas said loudly, wearing a grass skirt that showed off his muscular physique while next to him, the legendary Ron Burgundy was trussed up like a pig, his expertly done up hair and moustache shining in the darkness. ‘If you’re hungry for a hunk of fat and juicy meat, eat my buddy Ronny here. ‘Cause he is a treat. Come on down and dine on this tasty swine.

‘All you have to do is get in liiiine!’

Leonidas held that last note as the Scouts took notice of the singing and dancing, and the ruggedly handsome anchorman that smelled vaguely of Sex Panther, an alluring aroma to the Scouts as they ceased their incessant cries of ‘Need a dispenser here’.

‘Arrrre ya aching,’ Leonidas continued.

‘Yup, yup, yup,’ Ron added.

‘Forrr some bacon?’

‘Yup, yup, yup.’

‘He’s a big pig.’

‘Yup, yup!’

‘You can be a big pig too!’ Leonidas finished off his dance while behind the Scouts, Andrew Ryan snuck past and headed ever onward into the darkness, searching for that elusive WiFi signal so he could be ready for the release of the next chapter. ‘Oy!’

The Scouts chose that moment to run for Leonidas and Ron, causing the two to flee back the way they’d come and in the shadows, watching with some amusement, was none other than Deadpool.

‘I love references!’ the merc with a mouth said, a chimichanga to hand.

They certainly class up the joint, the, uh, bold text box said from somewhere inside Deadpool’s head.

Yeah. They really add to the violence and borderline smut, the, uh, not-bold text box said from somewhere inside Deadpool’s head.

‘And now we’re here as well!’ Deadpool said, taking a bite of his chimichanga and enjoying its cheesy taste. ‘This is officially the best crossover in the Halo/My Little Pony section ever!’

Wait, My Little Pony? Bold said. As in, that show for girls?

‘Yeah,’ Deadpool said, nodding. ‘It’s got like a massive following on the internet.’ He squealed. ‘So much porn!’

You mean grown men actually watch the show, write stories about it, and draw porn of it?

‘Pretty much,’ Deadpool said, finishing off his chimichanga. ‘I mean, the guy writing this right now is, like, twenty years old and he’s gone onto Google and looked up R34 images of the Mane Six.’

The who? Not-Bold asked.

‘You know, Twilight Sparkle and the others,’ Deadpool said. ‘The main characters of the show but because everything in My Little Pony is pony related, they say Mane instead of Main and everypony instead of everyone or body.’

Oh, Not-Bold said, giggling. I get it!

‘Now you sound a little bit like GareBare,’ Deadpool said, pointing off in one direction as though addressing the voice inside his head like it was physically there. ‘Which is good because if you sounded like Padawan, he’d cut off our heads and stick them in front of his base. Not that I am a mutant. I’m a mutate!’

Australians are weird, Bold said. Or New Zealanders. I can’t remember which he is.

‘You mean the writer can’t,’ Deadpool said. ‘He’s trying to reference two of the guys who follow his stories in this story but can’t remember where Padawan lives.’

What about ShiningShadow? Not-Bold asked. He hasn’t been mentioned.

He has now, Bold said. Expect a review gushing about it as soon as he finishes reading this chapter.

‘It’s nice when writers interact with their readers, isn’t it?’ Deadpool said, producing another chimichanga from nowhere. ‘Well, folks, that’s enough from me. In this story at least. You can expect to see more of my awesomeness in either a later story of the Lunar Spartans, or in a crossover of my very own with Pinkie Pie!’

Depending on which the audience wants more, Bold said. The writer doesn’t think he could deal with us and Jackson breaking the fourth wall in the same story.

So he’s putting us with Pinkie Pie? Not-Bold asked. Wouldn’t that be just as bad?

‘Only if Marvel doesn’t sue his ass for using my likeness without permission!’ Deadpool said cheerfully. ‘Same for Hasbro and the Mane Six, and also violently causing them misery in Operation: DRAGOON which, by the way, you should go and read after finishing this chapter. It’s awesome.’

Shameless self promotion using a comic character known for doing the exact same thing, Bold said a little proudly. This guy is destined for greatness.

‘And all it took was buying my game, which you should also buy by the way, and downloading my comics!’ Deadpool said, pointing at you, the reader. ‘But make sure you pay for them. I need the money.’

Maybe we should get back to the story, Not-Bold said. We’re three-thousand words in and haven’t even gotten to Jackson and Dawson yet.

Deadpool cupped his chin deep in thought, saying, ‘Yeah, I guess the readers can be left hanging in suspense until my next awesome cameo, or full blown story with Pinkie Pie-‘

Or something else entirely.

‘-that too,’ Deadpool said. ‘And now, without further ado, back to the Lunar Spartans!’

And now for something slightly more bizarre

Jackson paused momentarily, shaking his head clear as fleeting images of a man in a suit and flippers walked up to a desk in the middle of a river, sat down behind it, and said, ‘And now for something slightly more bizarre,’ in bold letters.

He shrugged and carried on helping Dawson assemble the defences around the NLR’s headquarters.

‘Some things in life are bad,’ he sang. ‘They can really make you mad. Other things just make you swear and curse. When you’re chewing on life’s gristle, don’t grumble. Give a whistle. And this’ll help things turn out for the best. And...

‘Always look on the bright side of life!’

Dawson sighed and put the sandbags he was carrying down, involuntarily glancing at the approaching Solar Empire army.

‘You think we’ll win this thing?’ he asked.

‘Yup,’ Jackson said. ‘It’s in the story so, obviously, it’s going to be a success.’

Dawson opened his mouth to reply but decided against it.

‘Shark Week shall be assumed.’

From somewhere behind them, a shout of alarm and then surprise went up and the Spartans turned their attention in the general direction of the noise, seeing a familiar and impossible imposing figure, clad in red and wielding four powerful Gatling lasers.

‘Hey, fuck faces!’ Samson said. ‘I’m back, Comrades!’

‘The fuck?’ Jackson said. ‘I blew you up.’ He turned to Dawson. ‘I blew him up.’ He turned back to Samson. ‘I blew you up.’

‘Da, and niet,’ Samson said as he stood near the dumbstruck members of Squealing Wombat. ‘You blew up a Samson. I’m another robot called Samson but there’s not so much emphasis on the s.’

Dawson and Jackson looked at each other, confused, then turned back to the robot.

‘Which s?’ Dawson asked.

‘What do you mean, which s?’ Samson said. ‘Isn’t it obvious?’

The Spartans couldn’t hear any difference between the two ways of saying Samson, so they both shrugged and said, ‘Shark Week.’

‘You ain’t mad I blew you- I mean, him, um...’ Jackson trailed off, thinking. ‘Not you but you, but not you, the other you who went with us to the Crystal Empire that I obliterated.’

Samson laughed. ‘Niet, Comrade. That Samson was an asshole. Always clamouring about the superiority of our way of thinking. I do think that way, da, but do not go around saying so. I am much better to be around!’

‘Alrighty, then,’ Dawson said. ‘So, are you here to help?’

‘Da, Comrade,’ Samson said. ‘That Solar Whore shall not succeed and crush the beginnings of a socialist utopia that will one day lead to a communist utopia! Glory to the ASS! Glory to Communism!’

‘Uh, yeah, sure. Whatever,’ Jackson said. ‘So long as you ain’t here to try and kill me.’

Samson laughed again and said, ‘Niet, Comrade. All is forgiven!’

‘Oh, good,’ Jackson said.

‘How can I help?’ the commie robot asked, looking around as the preparations were ongoing.

‘You...’ Jackson said, pointing at Samson. ‘...can help... establish a perimeter while I get the PacCan 5.0 ready for battle. And a few other things.’ He began walking back inside. ‘Need to be able to call this Chekhov: the Chapter.’

He vanished from sight and Samson, confused, turned to Dawson but the Spartan held up a hand in anticipation.

‘There are some things in this universe we cannot explain even with science and magic. Jackson is one such thing,’ Dawson said. ‘Whenever he says something like that, just roll with it and don’t think too hard about it. I don’t.’

‘Ah,’ Samson said. ‘I will try, Comrade.’

Both turned, as did everyone else who was close by, when the ground began shaking, exclaiming similar outbursts of shock upon seeing what was coming for them.

‘Son of a bitch,’ Samson said.

‘Holy shit,’ Dawson said. ‘You weren’t kidding when you said you had to get a few other things.’

Jackson popped the hatch on Fluffy’s chest and poked his head out, saying, ‘Yeah, and I’m driving the robot this time. You can command the ED-209s and our ground forces. Time to see just how much damage these weapons do against a Juggernaut.’

‘You mean a Juggernautasarus,’ Dawson said.

‘That too,’ Jackson said. ‘Now let’s get to it people. Victory isn’t too far off!’

On the Solar Empire’s side of things with its unwitting porn star leader

Celestia continued to stare at the NLR’s position, taking note of the dozen robots that had shown up and wondered how badly they would interfere with her plans.

Beside her was her new second in command, the first one now finding out if he liked bananas or not on the moon, though the pony that now stood next to Celestia was unaware of what had caused his predecessor to be fired, quite literally from a cannon.

He simply stood next to her, waiting to give tactical and strategic advice or just suck up to the princess.

On the other side of Celestia was her equivalent of Luna’s Fireteam Squealing Wombat: two human soldiers called Billy-Bob and Bobby-Bill who wore ridiculous armour, that did nothing, and carried guns that looked ridiculous, coloured a garish gold that made her eyes hurt when looked at.

To say they considered themselves ‘tactical’ and everyone else ‘noobs’, they didn’t seem to have much luck facing off against the NLR.

‘Imma so gonna three-sixty no-scope that bitch,’ Billy-Bob said in his incredible high pitched voice that made him sound like a ten year old who hadn’t reached puberty yet. ‘And Imma gonna add it to my montage of no-scopes.’

‘Bitch, please,’ Bobby-Bill said in an equally high pitched voice. ‘Imma no-scope Luna way before you. I’m tactical.’

‘Nuh-uh,’ Billy-Bob said. ‘I’m tactical. I got a Honey Badger and Off the Grid. They ain’t gonna see me coming.’

Bobby-Bill giggled. ‘Ha, you said coming.’

Billy-Bob giggled too when he realised it as well. ‘Yeah, so did yo momma when I fucked her last-‘

A shot from the NLR’s side rang out and a round slammed into Billy-Bob’s head, quite literally vaporising it.

‘Billy!’ Bobby-Bill screamed, rushing to his teammate’s side and cradling his now headless body. ‘No!’

On the New Lunar Republic’s side of things with its unwitting porn star leader (who has more sales and a firmer plot)

Jackson shifted his sniper rifle and fired again, taking down the other human stood next to Celestia with another headshot.

‘Huh,’ Dawson said. ‘Wonder why we never saw those guys before.’

Jackson shrugged, lowering his rifle. ‘Probably because we’d have taken them the fuck down due to our superior technology and weapons. I mean, seriously? What kind of damage is a 5.56mm round from the 21st Century going to do against 26th Century power armour, with shields, that’s been designed to shrug off 7.62mm rounds with ease? Not a whole lot, I can tell you.’

He turned to look at something that wasn’t Dawson or Samson as they stood below him. ‘And that’s one of the reasons why the UNSC lost so few in Wastelands.’

‘Who are you talking to?’ Dawson asked.

‘I have no idea,’ Jackson said, jumping down from the top of an ED-209 he’d been using as a sniper platform. ‘So, we all set to repel Celly while Lu-Lu eats Twilli out as the two of them try to fire the Mac Cannon?’

‘Uh, what?’ Samson said. ‘You mean, Princess Luna is having sex while we are out here, read to lay down lives, Comrades?’

‘Yup,’ Jackson said. ‘She trusts us that much.’

‘I’m pretty sure she doesn’t,’ Dawson said. ‘And, in reality, is still under the influence of those potions she consumed last night. You know, the ones we stole from Applejack. She and Twilight looked pretty ravenous after taking them, if you know what I mean. They practically dragged Mac in from outside the door as he spied on them through the keyhole.’

Jackson just shook his head in bewilderment. ‘Why he doesn’t just pirate the live feed from the cameras installed in Luna’s room, I’ll never know. All the other guards do when they wanna watch some mare on mare action.’

Dawson and Samson looked at Jackson, confused.

‘What cameras?’ Dawson asked.

‘And what feed?’ Samson added.

Jackson looked at Samson and Dawson, confused.

‘You know, the feed from that camera that Sunny spy asked me to plant in Luna’s room,’ he said. ‘They use it to spy on her, ergo why a spy asked me to install a camera in the room.’

The Spartan and the Commie gave the mad scientist flat looks.

‘You put a spy camera in Luna’s room?’ Dawson said. ‘Why?’

‘Because she never discusses anything of strategic or tactical importance in there,’ Jackson replied. ‘She just takes Twilight, Missy, both, or a nearby guard in for fun and games. No chance for the Solar Empire to learn anything of any value.

‘That, and the guy said I’d get a ten percent share of all sales.’

‘What sales?’ Dawson and Samson said.

Again, Jackson looked at Dawson and Samson, confused.

‘You mean you don’t know about the DVDs that get sold on the black market?’

They shook their heads.

‘Right,’ Jackson said, calling a nearby NLR soldier over. ‘You know about the ‘special’ videos you can get of Luna, right?’

‘Right,’ the pony said, nodding his head. ‘I’ve only got three so far, the Princess’ Guard trilogy. Pretty hot stuff if you ask me.’

Jackson sent him on his way, turning back to Dawson and Samson.

‘See?’ he said. ‘I’m making a killing off this set up. How else do you think I’ve been able to build the PacCan and all my other side projects?’

‘I assumed Luna gave you a budget,’ Dawson said. ‘Though that would explain the bewildered look on her face upon seeing the PacCan 1.0 being built.’ He paused for a moment. ‘Hey, wait. If you’ve got all this cash, why don’t I get paid?’

‘You never asked,’ Jackson said. ‘To get paid, you need to ask. Right, Samson?’

‘Da,’ Samson said in agreement. ‘I would have thought you’d know, Comrade Dawson. Unless you ask, you never get.’

Dawson sighed. ‘Alright, fuck it. When this is all over, I want my back pay paid up front. Got it?’

‘Yup,’ Jackson said before pointing his finger to the Solar Empire’s side. ‘But before then, we need to focus on that impending threat from Equestria’s other porn star princess.’

Before Dawson or Samson could even react, the battle began.

On Celly’s side of things. You know, the side that’s going to lose because, well, it has to.

Celestia’s forces began their march towards Luna’s forces.

The loss of Billy-Bob and Bobby-Bill hadn’t stung because they were useless and had done little more than bicker over who was more tactical or which cod was better, which had baffled Celestia because to her, all fish was equally repugnant.

But then, as if to baffle her further, Those Idiots had mentioned ghosts, black ops, modern warfare, and other equally idiotic titles to the point that she has to assume they were either euphemisms or code for some larger something or another.

She had tuned it out to the point it was just a background hum, lost and no longer annoying her.

Her second in command stood next to her, ready to receive instructions or offer recommendations, and Celestia’s eye wandered over his body.

Chiselled, toned, muscular, the peak of physical fitness, and her eye drifted to his hind quarters, seeing a fifth appendage, and wondered what it would be like to have such a well built and well hung pony pounding her royal pearl later that night once victory was hers.

It made her insides go gooey and Celestia swore she felt something trickle down her back leg.

Ignoring it, she turned her head to the pony and said, ‘Soldier, when we achieve victory tonight, how would like to celebrate it and your part in defeating the New Lunar Republic in a more... private capacity?’

The soldier glanced, briefly, at the princess and said, ‘No thanks, ma’am. While I am a fan of your series, I don’t particularly want to be a star in it. Besides, I think your sister is way hotter and if she was offering, I’d say yes in a heartbeat.’

Celestia narrowed her eyes at the stallion.

‘Do you like bananas?’

Back on the winning side

The NLR army tensed, waiting for the first wave of the Solar Empire army, then jumped when the public announcement system came on in a flurry of static and squealing, only to replaced by erratic breathing and moaning.

‘Soldiers of...’ Luna’s voice said between breaths and moans. ‘Soldiers of my wondrous army. Today you will... you will- Ah! Twilight! Again! By Faustia’s beard, again!’

The soldiers shifted uneasily as they stood, some trying to hide erections that had grown while others were looking for isolated spots away from everypony else, hoping to relieve a suddenly appearing tension.

‘You will be fighting one last battle against our enemy!’ Luna said, sounding a little strained. ‘Oh, Twilight. Not as hard while I’m-‘ A long whinny of pleasure echoed across the assembled forces. ‘Please, Twilight, I’m in the middle of-

‘Yes! Oh, Faustia. Yes!’

More moans of pleasure came from the speakers.

‘Fight, my brave soldiers!’ Luna shouted. ‘Fight and end the tyranny of my sister once and for all! I will be with you soon but something arose that needed my- By Faustia’s beard, Big Macintosh, you are big! Yes, put it all in! All of it! Make me scream!’

Dawson ducked away from the front lines as heavy screams filtered over the airwaves, finding the master control box for the announcement system and disabling the link from Luna’s room, splicing in his own feed.

‘We interrupt your daily dose of princess porn to bring you this motivational message to ensure you fight for the glory of the New Lunar Republic,’ he said. ‘Anyone who survives and proves their valour by repulsing the Solar Empire, and showing that they value and cherish teamwork by working as one cohesive unit, will receive a free copy of what I can only imagine is the steamiest, hottest, sexiest bout of mare on mare on stallion action to date.

‘Anyone who lives through the day and proves themselves a member of the New Lunar Republic, please see Spartan Jackson for your free copy. That is all.’

A cheer went up across the NLR’s forces, followed by a dismayed groan from Jackson upon realising how much money he’d miss out on giving the video to go along with the audio they’d just heard out for free, smacking Dawson across the back of the head when he returned.

On the not so nymphomaniac side of battle

Celestia stood next to her third second in command, a mare this time who had not only excelled in combat, but was just as disapproving of the Celestia’s Courtship’s series as Celestia herself, didn’t find Luna attractive in any way, shape or form, and firmly believed in the Solar Empire.

This battle would be won before too long, Celestia was sure of this.

‘Soon, my sister, you will finally know how wrong you are,’ she said to herself. ‘Muffins are, by far, better than cupcakes. You were wrong to face me down because of it.’

The mare stood next to Celestia glanced at her, confused.

‘What about cupcakes and muffins, ma’am?’ she said.

‘Hmm?’ Celestia said, looking at her second in command. ‘Uh... oh, nothing. Just deciding what to have as a victory snack. I’m thinking a muffin. It’s my favourite treat.’

The mare nodded then shrugged. ‘I’m partial to cupcakes myself. I have a bit of a sweet tooth.’

Celestia narrowed her eyes at the-

Oh, sod it. You know the rest.

Back on the nympho side of things

A still air hung over everything on the New Lunar Republic’s side, its soldiers eagerly awaiting first contact with the enemy.

After all, if and when they succeeded, each and every one of them still alive would receive a free copy of Princess Barnyard Adventure Part 2, complete with special commemorative case to celebrate the NLR’s victory over the Solar Empire who, as they watched, began their march towards the headquarters of the New Lunar Republic.

Round One

Iron, Tough Luck, and Catch on

Jackson, Dawson, and Samson, along with everyone else on the battlefield all looked around in confusion and bewilderment, trying to spot where the voice had come from but to no avail, so they all collective shrugged and said Shark Week.

‘What are we looking at, Dawson?’ Jackson asked as Samson swung his cannons into place, spooling them up.

‘Grunts mainly,’ Dawson said, scanning the incoming threat with high powered binoculars. ‘Rank and file, no major threats. I think we can leave Fluffy and the ED-209s out of this one, save them for a more worthwhile threat.’

‘Agreed,’ Jackson said. ‘Assault rifles it is.’ He looked to their robotic companion. ‘Alrighty, Samson. You’re up. Do your ASS proud.’

‘I always do, Comrade,’ Samson said, heading out with the first wave of NLR regulars. ‘For the glory of the Associated Samson States, and for the glory of its ally, the New Lunar Republic!’

The robot led the charge, his cannons blazing into action with unrivalled ferocity and cutting down the Sunny front lines with ease though many of them kept dodging to the side when the lasers came their way, as well as tossing multiple grenades at the commie mercenary robot, but because lasers travel at or very near light speed, the time it took them to reach their target from being fired was damn near instantaneous so not many Sunnies managed to avoid the deadly barrage of laser fire.

Samson seemed to be enjoying himself really well, laughing crazily with a distinct Russian accent as the Solar Empire began firing up the major threat in the area.

‘You are no match for me!’ he shouted at the approaching cannon fodder. ‘I am bulletproof!’

And he was.

The Solar Empire was now concentrating all their forces on Samson, freeing up everyone else to counterattack as bullets pinged off the shiny metal armour that encased a hard, cold, Communist robot armed to the proverbial teeth with Gatling laser beams of doom.

‘It is good day to be robot Communist!’

Jackson and Dawson watched him with amusement, seeing the Solar Empire crumble before his onslaught and the first round of fighters get slowly whittled down, occasionally taking aim at officers they saw tucked away inside the masses of golden armour.

‘I think he’d be a welcome addition to Squealing Wombat,’ Dawson said. ‘You know, so long as he doesn’t try to fuck with our system like the last Samson did.’

‘I just can’t figure out which s he means,’ Jackson said. ‘Is it the first one or the last one?’

Dawson shrugged. ‘Who cares? He’s on our side and you don’t have to blow him up with a laser beam of doom.’

‘Aye, that be true,’ Jackson said. ‘Though I still need to test fire the PacCan 5.0. Hope if I do have to blow him up and he has to go the same way as Old Samson, it don’t misfire on me when I pull the trigger.’

A Sunny soldier was blasted by an explosion and went flying past Dawson and Jackson, landing with a squelch somewhere behind them.

‘You haven’t tested it yet?’ Dawson said as two more flew overhead, followed by a third.

‘Nope,’ Jackson said, the remains of a hoof landing on his shoulder. He casually brushed it off. ‘Got issues with the power pack not holding enough charge to generate a full power beam. It’ll get to around fifty percent then kaput. No more power in the thing.’

More body parts started landing around them, prompting the Spartans to look up.

‘It’s raining ponies,’ Jackson said. ‘Well, parts of them at least.’

‘And the cause is?’ Dawson said, looking to the battlefield.

Samson, it turned out.

He was still in the thick of the fighting, a captured grenade launcher in one hand that he was using to turn what had once been whole and complete ponies into gooey, smelly, gooey parts that were gooey.

‘I am Samson!’ he yelled amid the screams, explosions and more screams. ‘And this is my new weapon!’

‘Oh, dear,’ was all Jackson said.

‘Good thing he’s with us,’ Dawson said. He paused. ‘For now.’

‘Yup,’ Jackson said.

‘All of you are babies!’ Samson yelled.

Body parts continued to rain down on everything.

On the Solar Empire’s side where Celestia had given up looking for a new second in command

Celestia had given up looking for a new second in command.

No matter who she chose, they always had some small flaw with them that made them entirely wrong for the job.

More than half were aware of her secret other life as a porn star and either enjoyed watching them or said they preferred Luna’s videos to hers, or favoured cupcakes over muffins.

The Alicorn shuddered at the thought of eating a cupcake, its frosted surface caking her royal mouth and making her look undignified. After all, she was a princess and princesses were meant to set the example. They were the ones ponies looked to as a role model.

‘You gonna buy Celestia’s Courtships number 3572?’ a stallion behind Celestia asked his teammate as they milled around.

‘Nah, dude,’ his teammate said. ‘I started going off them after 1298. She doesn’t change her routine. She just brings the guard in, they do a little bit of fondling and kissing, then it’s straight to the mount for the next twenty minutes. There’s no variance!’

‘Weren’t you in 1298?’

‘Yeah. That’s why I know her routine doesn’t change. Now Luna, on the other hand, I’ll keep buying. She varies her routine, get’s adventurous. The fact she’s way hotter than Celly doesn’t hurt much.’

Celestia sighed in frustration, doubly so when her first wave of fighters was repulsed and routed, and she gave the order for the next wave to go in.

Maybe a dozen or so Juggernautasaruses would turn the tides.

‘You gonna get Princess Barnyard Adventures Part 2?’ the stallion behind Celestia asked.

‘Yeah, dude,’ his teammate said. ‘It’s got Luna and Twilight, and I hear they eat each other out again and get banged by Mac until they cum. Twice over.’

‘Yeah? Well I heard from a buddy of mine that the NLR soldiers are getting a free copy if they successfully repulse us.’

‘No shit?’ A pause. ‘Wanna defect?’

‘Hell yeah.’

Celestia narrowed-

Yup, yet again. Guess this is going to be this chapter’s recurring gag. At least it’s not the White Tail Woods-

THUNDER-

THUNDER-

THUNDER CATS, HO!!!!

By Thundera, we’re back on the NLR side

Round Two

Black Eye, Fog, and Famine on

‘There’s that voice again,’ Jackson said as the defeated first wave of enemies began retreating, leaving behind their dead and a blood soaked Samson, still clutching the grenade launcher even though it was empty.

‘Yes,’ he said, walking towards Dawson and Jackson. ‘I like this new weapon.’

‘Yup,’ Jackson said. ‘Looks plenty powerful.’ He wiped a smear of blood off his arm. ‘Turned the enemy into paste pretty easily, too. Though next time, try to send the blood flying away from us, okay? The red seriously clashes with the blue.’

‘Da, Comrade,’ Samson said, dumping the spent launcher. ‘I will try.’

Once the spent grenade launcher fell to the ground, it bounced up again by about a foot, accompanied by several far off roars.

Jackson and Dawson looked at each other then groaned.

‘Not more Cuddles,’ Jackson moaned, getting to his feet and moving to Fluffy Junior.

‘Yup,’ Dawson said, copying Jackson’s accent perfectly as he scanned the Solar Empire’s side of things. ‘Looks like there’s around twelve of them.’

Jackson hauled himself up into Fluffy Junior’s cockpit, sealing it behind him, and began the start up procedure.

‘Hello, and thank you for activating the Murphy Class Urban Pacification Robot,’ the computer said. ‘You may call me Foamy, the Lord and Master.’

‘Yea- no,’ Jackson said. ‘I’m the Lord and Master and your name is Fluffy Junior.’

‘Name overridden,’ Fluffy said. ‘You may now call me Fluffy Junior.’

Jackson pumped his fist, Fluffy copying the move almost perfectly. ‘Success!’

The ground shook again as the Juggernautasaruses came closer and Jackson pointed a finger at them.

‘Okay, Dawson,’ he said. ‘Use the ED-209s’ missiles to engage them things from afar then follow up with the machine guns, tear ‘em up.’ Jackson primed all the missiles on Fluffy, setting them hone in on the hulking forms of Celestia’s combat dinosaurs but the targeting system threw up an error warning, as did the ammo management system.

‘Radar jammed, ammo reserves down to fifty percent,’ Fluffy announced.

‘Son of a bitch,’ Jackson said, as did Dawson.

‘Uh, boss?’ Dawson said over the radio. ‘The ED-209s are being jammed by something and they’ve only got fifty percent ammo for everything.’

‘Same here,’ Jackson said. ‘Switching to LOS infrared. Samson? Do you think you could tag the dinos so me and Dawson can unleash a missile salvo unlike anything faced by giant reptiles before?’

‘I’M BLIND!’ Samson yelled by way of a response.

‘Ah, yes,’ Jackson said. ‘Robot. Sees by way of radar. Of course he’d be blinded by whatever’s jamming us.’

Dawson looked up at Jackson and Fluffy. ‘So what’s the plan?’

‘Isn’t it obvious?’ Jackson said.

‘No?’ Dawson said with a hint of dread in his voice. Whenever Jackson said that, he was on the verge of doing something incredibly stupid.

As it turned out, he was.

Both swords sprang from their sheaths, two ten-metre blades of titanium-steel ceramic composite etched with flowing Japanese symbols that translated to ‘Shark Week’ and ‘I have no idea’, and Jackson took off for the Juggernautasaruses, yelling.

‘For my loss of profits!’ he yelled. ‘And to reference Pacific Rim!’

‘What-‘ Samson began to say but Dawson cut him off.

‘What did I tell you to do when Jackson does something like this?’ he said.

‘Roll with it,’ Samson said. ‘Da, Comrade. I remember.’ A pause. ‘What’s happening? I can’t see.’

‘Well,’ Dawson started to say. ‘Jackson just waded into the middle of a pack of Juggernautasaruses wielding only two massive swords, bellowing at the top of his lungs, and managed to catch two by surprise and cut their heads off with a single swipe each.’

‘Ow, Comrade,’ Samson said. ‘That sounds painful.’

‘It is,’ Dawson said. ‘Now the remaining ten dinosaurs are converging on him, striking whichever way Jackson isn’t facing with their tails, jumping back when he goes to swipe at them. Ah, now he’s using the cannons to shoot the fuckers up as well. Guess he doesn’t need radar for that.’

‘Speaking of, Comrade Dawson,’ Samson said. ‘Do you know where the source of the jamming is coming from? I would very much like to see again but so long as the jammer is up, I’m blind.’

Dawson shrugged. ‘I can’t see that much difference on the Solar Empire’s side. Celly’s stood by herself now, her army is preparing a third and final wave, and Jackson is being obliterated by those dinosaurs.’

‘There must be something we can do to help,’ Samson said. ‘At the very least, remove the radar jammer so the ED-209s can be used, and I can see again and serve the ASS to the best of my ability.’

Dawson hummed in thought. ‘Perhaps.’

He hummed in thought again. ‘Maybe we should try the PacCan 5.0, use that on Cuddles and Co, but Jackson said the power pack can’t hold a charge big enough to fire.’

‘Not good,’ Samson said, turning slightly as Fluffy exploded, the Juggernautasaruses finally succeeding in destroying the metal machine but not the operator, who came flying through the air with the greatest of ease, landing with all the grace of a rock that was drunk.

Undeterred by his flight, Jackson jumped to his feet and dusted himself down.

‘Well, Plan Gypsy Danger failed so I say we go to Plan C,’ he said.

‘What about Plan B?’ Dawson asked.

‘You mean, Plan ‘Bash you over the head’?’ Jackson said. ‘That Plan B? Because after all the money you just cost me, I will happily go with that plan.’

Dawson held his hands up in protest. ‘I had to motivate the troops somehow. You can still charge the Solar Empire to buy it, ya know?’

Jackson paused, thinking, then said, ‘True’ before smacking Dawson over the head.

‘I’d still have liked to sell it to both sides,’ he said. ‘Make even more money.’

‘Ow,’ Dawson said, rubbing the spot where Jackson had hit him.

The ground trembled beneath their feet, signalling the still incoming threat of the Juggernautasarus pack, and Dawson, Jackson and Samson redirected their attention to them.

‘We would, however, still need to be alive to sell said video,’ Jackson said. ‘Dawson, bring me the PacCan 5.0 and the box labelled GS. I have a cunning plan.’

‘Oh, no,’ Dawson muttered. ‘I hate your plans.’

He ducked as Jackson took another swipe at his head, making him miss, but departed then returned with the requested items, placing them at Jackson’s feet.

‘Okay, now what?’Dawson asked.

‘First, I try this baby out,’ Jackson said, scooping up and shouldering the PacCan 5.0, ready to fire. ‘If it fails, open up the box labelled GS and do exactly as I say.’

Jackson depressed the trigger and started the PacCan on a charging cycle but it only got to twenty-five percent capacity before conking out.

‘Goddamit,’ Jackson said. ‘Alright, open up the box labelled GS and bring out the item it contains.’

‘Why do you keep saying ‘the box labelled GS’, Comrade?’ Samson asked. ‘You could always just say open the box.’

‘I have no idea,’ Jackson said as Dawson leaned down and opened the box, groping inside its darkened interior until his hands brushed against something hard and cold.

‘The fuck?’ he said, producing the rock he and Jackson had retrieved from the Frozen North, its grey surface and vaguely skull like look freaking him out a little.

‘Like I said,’ Jackson said. ‘This has to be able to be called Chekhov: the Chapter for a reason. We’ve already got a Chekhov’s Gunman-‘ He pointed to Samson. ‘-a Chekhov’s Gun-‘ He pointed to the PacCan in his hands. ‘-and now a Chekhov’s MacGuffin.’ He pointed to the rock in Dawson’s hands.

‘Now open up the power compartment, rip out the power source, and just shove that thing in there.’

Dawson paused, shrugged, then yanked off the plate covering the delicate and poorly constructed components powering the PacCan 5.0.

He quickly scanned it then pulled out a lump of metal that was probably the part Jackson wanted him to get rid of.

He then hefted the skull, looking at it dubiously. Luna had sent them to fetch it but never used it since, leaving it to gather dust until Jackson had appropriated it for use in some kind of experiment or another.

To say he now wanted Dawson to shove it into a hurriedly built and untested weapon was more than enough to cast doubts in the Spartan’s mind.

‘Jackson?’ Dawson said. ‘Are you sure this will work?’

He just laughed manically. ‘I have no idea!’

With that, Dawson shrugged and shoved the grey skull rock thing into the space, tackling the still blind Samson to the ground as energy began crackling up and down the PacCan 5.0’s surface.

Somewhere in orbit

A satellite belonging to Pop TV was merrily orbiting away, travelling at little under 100,000 kilometres an hour and broadcasting 24/7 shows of celebrities remodelling homes, when a sudden bright pinprick of light appeared on the planet below it, tinged blue and rapidly growing brighter and brighter.

It carried on like this for a second until the light suddenly shot up, no longer a light but a bright blue beam of, er, destruction that obliterated the orbiting satellite and depriving the many dozens of people of their low quality shows, while many billions more let out a collective yay as the station went off the air.

Back on the ground

Dawson and Jackson coughed as the dust slowly settled, a massive crater all that remained of the Juggernautasarus pack that had been menacing them after the PacCan 5.0 had been fired, the beam then somehow angling upwards at a near perfect ninety degree angle where it was lost from sight as it climbed higher and higher.

‘Another successful procedure!’ Jackson proclaimed, dumping the now partially melted laser onto the ground, the grey skull burning a hole through the side and rolling onto the floor.

Dawson coughed some more, helping Samson to his feet, and looked at the destroyed PacCan 5.0,saying, ‘That was a successful procedure? Your gun is melted.’

‘Do you see anymore Juggernautasaruses?’ Jackson said back.

Dawson shook his head.

‘Then the procedure was a success!’

‘He had a point, Comrade,’ Samson said. ‘And you will be pleased to know that there are no more jammers in the area. My sight, and the targeting systems of the ED-209s, is back to normal.’

‘Hoo-bloody-rah,’ Dawson muttered. ‘We could have done with that a few minutes ago. Now we’re down to a bunch of mindless drones armed to the teeth with Hellfire missiles and .50 cal cannons.’

‘Your pagan god has a missile named after him?’ Samson asked, glancing back at Dawson.

‘What? No,’ the Spartan said. ‘It’s just their name. And Hellfire isn’t some pagan god, he’s real and close by, too.’

‘Ah,’ Samson said. He paused and looked over at the battlefield. He turned back to Squealing Wombat. ‘Well, you may wish to call on him because what looks like a massive wave of enemies is coming our way.’

Jackson and Dawson looked at each other, then at Samson, then past him to the battlefield where a huge mass of flesh was approaching though, confusingly, they wore no armour and were waving a white flag.

‘What the fuck?’ all three of them said together.

On Celestia’s side

‘What the fuck?’ Celestia said upon seeing a mass of her armed forces discard their golden armour and begin marching towards the New Lunar Republic’s side under a white banner. ‘What are you all doing?’

‘We’re defecting,’ one pony close to her said, a burly Earth stallion with a face full of scars and a cutie mark of a kitten playing with a ball of string. ‘You’re an okay leader and all but you’re not really giving us much incentive to stay.’

‘But Luna!’ Celestia shouted, pointing her hoof in her sister’s very vague direction. ‘She must be stopped! She’s evil.’

‘You keep saying that,’ the pony said. ‘But we’ve not really seen much evidence to back that up. Besides, her army is getting a free copy of Princess Barnyard Adventures Part 2 if they fight us off successfully. And I mean really, how can you compete with that? Your sister is way hotter, your former student is way hotter, the stuff they do in the bedroom is way hotter, and the NLR likes cupcakes!

‘Defecting to them is a win-win situation for everypony.’

‘Bu- But- Luna- and evil- muffins!’

Celestia was so flabbergasted by the fact nearly eighty percent of her remaining forces was defecting to her sister’s side, she could barely speak, resigning herself to mutely watching as her army was whittled down to the diehards and asexual, while on the NLR side, she could hear the distraught sobbing from Jackson as he realised his profit margins were going to be cut down severely.

A small victory.

On the side with the better (and oblivious) porn stars and their distraught (and insane) porn distributor

Dawson made sure to keep Samson and at least twenty metres between him and Jackson as he lay on the floor, sobbing, while scores of Solar Empire soldiers walked past, proclaiming their allegiance to Luna’s plot and driving Squealing Wombat’s leader into further dismay.

‘What an unexpected turn of events,’ Dawson said. ‘You usually see people defecting from decadence, not flocking towards it. Celestia must have done something downright horrid to make these guys come fight for us.’

‘Not really,’ one pony said. ‘We just want a free copy of Equestria’s hottest porn.’

‘Oh.’

In Luna’s room

It was Twilight’s turn to be screwed by Big Mac, her whole body writhing in ecstasy as she find out exactly why they called him Big Macintosh, while Luna recuperated from her three consecutive orgasms, endured while Mac had only the one.

She was lying in a daze, happening to glance out the window, and caught sight of the defecting Solar Empire soldiers.

‘Huzzah!’ Luna said weakly and breathlessly, the sight of such a victory over her sister giving the Alicorn a second wind and resurrecting her not-flagging libido to never before seen levels. ‘Our army grows stronger while Celestia’s grows weaker!’

Twilight, who was too busy to intelligently respond, merely came for the fourth time while Mac went eeyup, prompting Luna to kiss them both and drive up the demand for Princess Barnyard Adventures Part 2 by a huge margin, completely oblivious to the fact or why the defectors had defected in the first place.

Back outside

Jackson continued to sob and cry, occasionally making wild lunges at Dawson, as the true scope of his losses came in.

‘Even if I’d only charged ten bits a copy, I could have made millions!’ he bawled at Dawson as he hid behind Samson. ‘Millions, I tell you! Millions!’

Dawson peered from behind Samson’s shoulder and said, ‘I had to motivate them somehow. I never expected it might just win us the war with so few casualties.’

‘Casualties?’ Jackson said loudly. ‘Casualties? What about my profit margins? It costs me to print each DVD that gets bought, to host the videos on our website! The revenue I could have gotten would have set us up for life! Life, Dawson. Life! Not to mention that here, the money is literally solid gold, free of impurities. Even if we had only taken a small fraction of the money back home, we would have been rich!’

Samson chuckled. ‘Idiots.’

‘Shut up,’ Jackson said before pointing at the army stood before the NLR headquarters, now twice its original size and growing as stragglers from the Solar Empire kept trickling in. ‘I am going to lose so much money because of you Dawson. And guess what? That money is coming out of your pay check!’

The sudden realisation of the true scope of how much money Jackson had lost suddenly registered in Dawson’s mind, and he suddenly understood why Jackson was in such a state.

‘My god, I’ll be flat broke!’ he yelled. ‘In debt to you. Forever!’

Somewhere in Ponyville

A heavily bandaged Pinkie Pie was fine tuning her Z&R Mark IV party cannon when she suddenly sat bolt upright, quivering.

‘Forever!’ the pink pony proclaimed, hooves in the air to further punctuate her sudden outburst.

Beside her, also fine tuning a weapon, was Fluttershy and a Type-3 Yay Anti-Material rifle.

The Pegasus sighed and said, ‘Why do you always do that when somepony says forever?

‘I have no idea,’ Pinkie Pie said with a loopy grin on her face.

Fluttershy sighed again.

‘And when are you going to take those bandages off? Your wounds from our fight against Squealing Wombat healed months ago. Now you look silly.’

‘Of course I do,’ Pinkie said. ‘But they’re so fluffy, if I take them off, I’m gonna die!’

‘No you won’t,’ Fluttershy said, finally having enough.

She stood and trotted over to her pink friend and before she could even object, ripped the plethora of mouldy and rotten bandages from the Earth pony.

Pinkie Pie gasped in shock and surprise as her matted fur was exposed for the first time in months, then keeled over dead.

‘Oh, my,’ was all Fluttershy had to say.

In the spirit world

Pinkie Pie felt her physical body fade away, becoming a mass of incorporeal energy that existed in the never-never realm between life and death.

She looked at her now see-through hooves and said, ‘Ooh, see-throughy. Neat!’

She then turned her attention to Fluttershy as she stood over Pinkie Pie’s now dead body and a decidedly nasty thought took place in Pinkie’s ghostly head.

Floating over to Fluttershy from behind, Pinkie Pie waited until she got to within an inch of Fluttershy’s ear then yelled boo as loud as she could.

Expecting the poor Pegasus to die of fright, Pinkie was unexpectedly surprised to see Fluttershy remain unfazed at the ghostly boo that should have come from nowhere.

‘Yeah, she can’t see or hear you,’ a voice behind Pinkie said.

She turned around to see a ghostly Spartan, a ghostly bunny, and a ghostly toothless alligator.

‘Am I dead?’ Pinkie Pie whispered to the ghostly apparition.

‘Pretty much,’ Church said. ‘I got blown up by a tank and wound up here. You, I’m not so sure about. But yeah, you’re dead.’

Now normally, people and ponies alike would then sag to the ground in despair due to the fact that they’re dead, or caught between worlds, or whatever you wanna call Pinkie’s situation.

However, because Pinkie Pie is not normal and, well let’s face it, this story is pretty much running on pure crack with a side order of LSD to boot, she instead leapt/floated into the air and yelled for joy.

‘Now I can spy on ponies without being caught!’ Pinkie Pie shouted before zooming off. ‘To Princess Luna’s room!’

Church watched her go then turned to look at Gummy and Angel.

‘How did you guys put up with these ponies?’ he asked. ‘They’re fucking idiots.’

Gummy said and did nothing, merely blinking slowly and wagging his tail slightly.

‘Okay, I can see how you put up with them,’ Church said to the toothless alligator. He started to turn to Angel. ‘But how-‘

The bunny produced a bag full of Cloudsdale Weed.

‘Ah,’ Church said. ‘That explains a lot.’

A pause.

‘You wanna light up?’

Back to the main story that has a very, very, very offbeat plot and only a smidgen of continuity

Dawson waded through the mass of ponies that now surrounded the NLR’s headquarters, heading for the main intercom system.

He had to get his message out, had to keep himself from being in debt to Jackson for what could, most likely, be the rest of his life.

‘Must. Reach. Intercom,’ he repeated like a mantra, barging ponies out of the way. ‘Must. Not. Become. Jackson’s. Slave.’

The Spartan reached the little junction box, shoving aside half a dozen ponies that had sat down to smoke weed, and spliced in his feed.

‘Attention,’ Dawson said. ‘Attention. All Solar Empire defectors, attention. Due to your previous allegiance to Celestia, you will have to pay for your copy of Princess Barnyard Adventures Part 2, the cost of which is fifteen bits. Anyone who disagrees with this may kindly fuck off back to Celestia. Thank you.’

Across the camp, a sudden silence fell across everyone, followed by loud jeers and shouts of objections from the Solar Empire veterans and equally loud laughs from the NLR’s veterans.

Jackson waded through the mass of ponies, saying, ‘You might have just started a reverse defection.’

‘I did?’ Dawson said, looking around.

Sure enough, the Solar Empire soldiers were heading back to their side, using this opportunity to smash the NLR’s defences and cripple the soldiers fighting alongside Luna who were getting a free copy for defeating them, severely reducing Luna’s fighting force until it was pretty much just Squealing Wombat, Samson, and a few unscathed ponies.

‘You did,’ Jackson said. ‘Now we’re outnumbered, like, a billion to one, Celly’s forces are going to force their way in here and take the video for free, we’re gonna die and worst of all, my profit margins are going to be lower than Celestia’s approval rating on XClop.equ.’

‘What?’ Dawson said. ‘You know what? Fuck it. We need to focus on the impending doom that can only be stopped by some form of divine... all powerful... intervention.’

He trailed off and looked squarely at Jackson, the other Spartan looking back bewildered.

‘What?’ he said.

Round Three

Tilt, Thunderstorm, and Mythic on

Jackson was very confused as to why he was standing out in the middle of the battlefield, facing down the whole Solar Army by himself with Dawson and Samson somewhere behind him.

The ponies of the New Lunar Republic’s army were being evacuated and treated by medics, meaning the tide of battle had soured very quickly against the previously winning NLR.

‘Why am I here again?’ Jackson radioed from his lonely position. ‘And why can’t I have a few of the ED-209s backing me up?’

‘Because this is gonna be way more fun,’ Dawson radioed back.

He turned to the pony next to him.

‘Prepare for Scenario...’

Pause for dramatic effect.

‘...’

Keep pausing.

‘...’

And again.

‘...’

Yet again.

‘...’

Is anyone still there? (taps on the screen of whatever it is the few people who follow this are using to read this chapter)

(silence)

Guess not. Okay, Dawson. Stop pausing!

‘...’

Goddammit.

‘...H!’

The pony recoiled in horror.

‘Sir, you can’t be serious,’ he said. ‘Is the situation really that extreme it calls for... him?’

‘I believe so,’ Dawson said. ‘We’re badly outnumbered with very little firepower on our side.’

Samson glanced up at the ED-209s, their armour glinting in the midday sun.

‘We could use these!’ he said, pointing at the much larger robots.

‘Quiet, you,’ Dawson said. ‘This will be very much more entertaining.’ A pause. ‘And louder.’

‘These things have missiles and .50 cal machine guns,’ Samson pointed out. ‘What is louder than that, Comrade?’

‘Scenario H,’ was all he said.

The pony stood next to Dawson whimpered but saluted, running off to begin the preparations for Scenario H.

‘The fuck is Scenario H?’ Samson asked, walking over.

‘Worst case scenario,’ Dawson said. ‘And it involves pagan gods.’

There was a tranquil moment of silence that covered everything, only for it to be broken when a specially designed artillery shell was fired from somewhere inside the NLR, sending a round the size of a human barrelling towards Jackson.

He saw it, dove for cover when it came in to land, then cautiously peered at the object as it began hissing, unfolding, until it broke apart to reveal a lit flaming torch and two swords.

‘And three, two, one...’ Dawson said, bracing.

‘THE ARMY OF THE CELESTIAL WHORE APPROACHES!’ Hellfire bellowed, grabbing the two swords and turning to face the army of golden armoured ponies. ‘AND I, HELLFIRE, GOD OF HELLFIRE, SHALL PUT AND END TO IT AND THE CELESTIA WHORE!’

Samson unclasped his hands from whereabouts his sound receptors were, staring in disbelief at Jackson/Hellfire.

‘That is Hellfire?’ he said.

‘Yeah,’ Dawson said. ‘Basically a one man army with delusions of godhood. A little on the loud side but a good guy to have on your side.’

‘TIM-TIM!’ Hellfire said as he launched himself into the fray, slicing and dicing up the Sunnies with his swords. ‘JOIN ME AND WE SHALL CONTINUE YOUR DEVELOPMENT INTO A DEMIGOD. YOU DID WELL IN THE STONE TEMPLE IN THE FAR NORTH BUT YOU MUSN’T STOP THERE. JOIN ME! THERE IS PLENTY OF THINGS TO KILL.’

Dawson just sat down on a chair and propped his feet up, waving Hellfire off.

‘Nah, I’m good right here,’ he said. ‘You have fun, Hellfire.’

The delusion god persona let out a ground shaking bellow of a laugh, carving a bloody and blood soaked path through the Solar Empire forces, sending body parts flying up into the air to form intricate and decidedly morbid patterns, and slowly but surely made his way to Celestia.

‘How can he do all that?’ Samson asked as Hellfire really went to town on the Sunnies. ‘I thought Jackson was just like you in terms of physical fitness, if not worse due to his poorer diet. There is no way he could do something like that.’

Dawson shrugged. ‘Like I said earlier, don’t question these things. Jackson grew up on a marijuana farm with a sister who was a porn star, his fondest memory of spending time with her involved killing zombies with a sword and pistol on his tenth birthday, and was poking a wombat with a cattle prod to see if it would squeal when I met him. I don’t think there is enough time in the universe for us to even delve deep enough into his mind to find out where Hellfire came from, let alone figure out how he does, well, that.’

He pointed at the Sole Empire’s side which had been reduced to around half its original number, the ground beneath them overflowing with blood and body parts, and Hellfire was still going strong, armour covered completely in blood and the occasional piece of golden armour that had somehow gotten stuck to him.

‘I think we should just be glad neither of us are Sunnies, and to keep Jackson away from them and flaming torches during peace talks.’

‘Provided there are any soldiers left to have peace talks with,’ Samson observed as Hellfire kept up his work, each passing second adding to his immense kill count and pushing him further and further away from Dawson and Samson. ‘When do you think Hellfire will stop?’

Dawson shrugged again. ‘Whenever there are no more Sunnies around for him to kill. I’ve never actually let Hellfire keep control for more than an hour. I like having my eardrums intact. When they start to ring, that’s when I send Hellfire back to the depths of Hell.’

‘And you do this how, Comrade?’ Samson asked.

‘I found a phrase that turns Hellfire back into Jackson,’ the Spartan said. ‘If Hellfire hears it, he snaps back to Jackson, says a random piece of gibberish, then falls unconscious for a long while.’

A keen screech erupted from the Solar Empire side, Hellfire facing down a Juggernautasarus that towered over him.

‘Should we help him, Comrade?’ Samson said, knowing full well this was an uneven fight but getting the balance the wrong way around.

‘Nah,’ Dawson said, waving the robot off. ‘There’s no way we could alter the outcome of that fight even if we did use those things.’ He pointed at the ED-209s. ‘Hellfire would rip us all to little pieces.’

Samson stared at Dawson. ‘No, I meant destroy the dinosaur.’

‘Like that?’

Dawson redirected Samson’s attention back to the battlefield where Hellfire was stood atop a slain Juggernautasarus, holding aloft it’s still beating heart.

‘What the fuck,’ Samson said in a monotone voice. ‘I looked away for like a second.’

The Spartan nodded. ‘A little slow compared to what I’ve seen him do before but, he did just slice his way through, like, twelve thousand soldiers. He’s probably a little tired.’

‘I COULD DO THIS ALL DAY!’ Hellfire said in a rather quiet tone of voice, merely shattering the eardrums of everyone within a mile’s radius. ‘BRING ME ANOTHER DINOSAUR TO SLAY! I FEEL HUNGRY.’

‘Would he really eat one of those?’ Samson asked as Hellfire dived for the next batch of victims, this bunch a woefully outmatched but optimistic lot of fellows merely armed with swords and claymores. Hardly god felling tools.

‘Probably,’ Dawson said as they were reduced to paste. ‘I’ve never seem Hellfire eat anything, though, so it’s really anyone’s guess.’

Hellfire continued his murderous rampage, making Celestia incredibly nervous.

On the losing side where Celestia was incredibly nervous

Celestia was incredibly nervous.

Mere moments after getting her army back, it had been turned to nothing more than memories and bloody body parts, all at the hands of that blue devil Jackson.

‘How is he doing that?’ Celestia whispered to herself as Jackson came closer. ‘How can such an unhealthy drunk be doing all this to my wondrous army?’

‘I AM HELLFIRE, GOD OF HELLFIRE!’ she heard the Spartan shout, hurting her ears. ‘AND I SHALL PURGE THE LAND OF THE SOLAR WHORE’S ARMY!’

Celestia narrowed her eyes in Jackson’s general direction, not entirely sure how he had heard of her series of videos that would have to be erased from history after her shaky looking victory today, though given how much her force had been depleted in such a short frame of time at the hands of this... this demon called Hellfire, the princess doubted she’d taste so sweet a thing as victory.

Then, as if to further cast her thoughts of victory into doubt, Jackson himself came within sight of her.

‘AH, THE CELESTIA WHORE HERSELF!’ Jackson shouted. ‘WE MEET AT LAST FOR I, HELLFIRE, THE GOD OF HELLFIRE, SHALL END YOUR LIFE TODAY AND FREE THIS LAND OF YOUR WRETCHED TYRANNY!’

He raised both swords into the air, both of them dripping with blood and somehow still razor sharp and intact despite cutting through twelve thousand soldiers, all wearing heavy armour, and ran for her.

Not wanting to find out if she could defeat this madman of a Spartan, Celestia did the only thing she could think of.

‘Run away!’ she yelled, casting a powerful teleportation spell that not only took her away from this place, but out of this dimension as well.

Her last sight of Equestria was of Jackson bringing his swords down to slice through her body, faltering slightly as they passed though thin air, and his faceless face that conveyed no emotion whatsoever.

On the winning side

Dawson and Samson stared in disbelief as Hellfire stood alone atop the Solar Empire’s command position, Celestia having just vanished into thin air as he was about to land a killing blow, knowing that it probably meant the end of the war.

‘WE WINNERS NOW!’ Hellfire proclaimed, rushing towards the NLR’s side as the wounded and near dead emerged from their hiding spots in celebration.

They all let out a near identical victory screech, just like the one in that episode of SpongeBob where Plankton swaps places with Mister Krabs. You know the one. Go onto YouTube and type in victory screech. It should be like the first link that pops up.

Anyway, the New Lunar Republic celebrated their victory and Dawson transmitted the code phrase to turn Hellfire back to Jackson, the Squealing Wombat commander saying, ‘I really liked the Twilight movies. The lead actress displayed so much emotion’ before passing out, and somewhere inside Luna’s room she, Twilight, and Big Macintosh, finally collapsed onto the bed in a tangled heap of sweaty bodies, matted fur, and mild friction burns, finally spent and able to do no more.

Several hours later

Luna hobbled out of the NLR’s headquarters, taking great measures to avoid exacerbating her badly aching rear end and moving or ruffling her wings.

They had inadvertently spread themselves so often during her frantic session with Twilight and Mac with every orgasm, of which there had been many hundreds, that she was sure they had pulled a muscle or several.

Twilight was in a spare bedroom, asleep, while Luna’s was thoroughly cleaned by the staff, and the older Alicorn so desperately wanted to join her young lover in the sweet embrace that was rest but couldn’t, not until she had visited Those Two and congratulated them on exceeding her wildest expectations of not only not screwing up a mission, but not screwing what was most likely the most important battle of the NLR’s history.

It had suffered heavy losses, there was no denying that, but everypony Luna saw as she slowly and painfully made her way to Squealing Wombat’s quarters seemed overjoyed, and giving her sly smiles that made Luna frown, especially when she saw ponies with ornate silver cases quickly tucking the items out of sight as she approached.

The wolf whistles that followed when Luna walked by just confused her more.

Still, she put it down to them having succeeded against Celestia and proven cupcakes were better than muffins and left it at that, coming to a halt outside the door of Jackson and Dawson’s room.

It was open slightly, letting faint noises slip past, and Luna listened in as she leant against the wall to get a moment’s respite.

‘-tell me what happened, Dawson?’ she heard Jackson whine. ‘Come on, man. I blacked out for the whole last bit of the battle. How the hell did you two manage to kill pretty much everything, make Celestia vanish into thin air, all without expending a single bit of ammo or firing a single laser.’

‘A secret we shall take to our graves,’ Dawson said. ‘Well, I’ll take it to the grave. Samson here will take it to the scrap heap.’

‘Da,’ the robot mercenary said. ‘But we will say this: our victory today was down to divine intervention of the pagan variety.’

‘And what the hell is that supposed to mean?’ Jackson said a little loudly but Dawson and Samson remained quietly, no doubt silently laughing. Jackson sighed. ‘At least one of us got a victory today.’

‘Oh, come on, man,’ Dawson said. ‘Don’t be like that. You can still make a bit of money.’

‘How?’ Jackson said. ‘You cut my profits by at least half with your little ‘incentive’ to get the troops fighting, then you somehow kill twelve thousand potential customers without telling me your method! I’m going to lose so much money thanks to you. Both armies were my biggest sources of income.’

Luna decided to listen in for a bit longer, the fact that it was letting her body recuperate a little bit more than an unintended benefit as she tried to figure out what the hell Jackson was on about.

‘I’m sure you can still make money off the other videos you’ve got,’ Dawson said. ‘There’s a lot of them, right?’

‘About six months worth of footage, at least,’ Samson said. ‘Judging by what you told us.’

‘Yeah, but the video you gave out for free, Dawson, would have been the biggest draw of any of them!’ Jackson said. ‘I mean, really? Two of Equestria’s hottest princesses going at it for thirteen hours straight in some intense mare on mare action including, but not limited to, light bondage, dragging an orgasm out for at least two hours, an hour of Lu-Lu and Twilli 69ing each other, both of them being mounted by Mac and having no less than four orgasms each, a double blow job, and why are you guys looking at me like that?’

Luna stood behind Jackson, narrowing her eyes at the Spartan as he froze upon realising what had happened.

‘Do you like apples?’ she asked.

A few more hours later...

Dawson and Samson sat on top of the NLR HQ, a drink in hand.

Dawson took a sip of his heavily watered down Tranquillity Moonshine, coughing despite this, and looked up at the stars as Samson sipped his WD40 flavoured vodka, the commie robot cleaned of all the blood that had been covering him.

Or had he?

The blood red hue of his metal armour made it difficult to tell whether it was all gone or not.

Whether it was or wasn’t didn’t matter right now, and Dawson shrugged, taking another sip of his drink.

‘What do you think will happen now?’ he asked Samson.

‘Unknown, Comrade,’ Samson said, staring up at the night sky as well. ‘There shall be no more monarchy in Equestria, not now that Celestia has vanished, so I think we will soon see the beginnings of a communist party lobbying for power in the New Lunar Republic, which will lead to a glorious worker’s paradise arising in this land!’

He toasted himself and drank deeply from his oil can.

‘Yeah, sure, whatever,’ Dawson muttered, taking a similar swig of his moonshine, immediately regretting it as a fiery sensation went down his throat. ‘You think he’ll be okay?’

‘What, Jackson?’ Samson said to Dawson, looking at the Spartan. ‘Of course. It is only the moon, and only a temporary punishment.’

‘Yeah, but still, it’s the moon,’ Dawson said, pointing at the very celestial object that was orbiting overhead right now, a joyous expressing just visible in the craters if you squinted and turned your head. ‘Not exactly a good place to be for any length of time. It’s hardly the most forgiving of places to be.’

Samson somehow shrugged. ‘He is Spartan Jackson. I am sure he will be fine, Comrade. After all, he has his patron god of Hellfire to look after him if things god bad.’

On the moon where people find out if they like fruit or not

Several ponies, a lone bear, and Jackson, clustered together around a pitiful fire, trying to stay warm as the last rays of the sun were hidden by the moon itself, spinning lazily on its axis.

‘So what did you do to wind up here?’ one pony asked Jackson as he stared into the flames.

‘I made and distributed porn of Princess Luna without permission to use her likeness,’ he said. ‘When she found out, she sent me here. Says it’ll only be for a few weeks, then I can go home.’

‘What about you?’ the same pony asked the bear whose name was Desmond. ‘How’d you wind up on the moon?’

‘I have no idea,’ Desmond said. ‘That was literally the first question I asked myself. How did I get here?’

Jackson poked the fire, making the flames rise a little higher, then held one aloft to examine it.

‘Looks kind of like a flaming torch, eh?’ he said, waving it around a little. ‘So what did you guys do to get sent to this barren rock?’

They shrugged collectively. ‘We don’t know. We were carrying out our jobs as normal but must have done something to piss her off because Celestia asked if we like bananas and sent us here.’

Jackson froze, as did the stick/torch.

‘You guys are Solar Empire?’ he asked. ‘Sunnies?’

‘Yeah?’

A beat.

‘I AM THE GOD OF HELLFIRE!’