The Lunar Spartans

VIP

Outskirts of Ponyville

Squealing Wombat took a moment to regard their handiwork, turning on the brow of the hill to look back at it in the mid-afternoon sun.

‘Not bad,’ Dawson said, nodding in appreciation.

‘Yup,’ Jackson said. ‘Maybe our best work yet.’

Their pony companion huffed in irritation, not sharing their views.

‘You think we can top it?’ Dawson asked.

Jackson shrugged. ‘Maybe. We’d just need to find something of similar or bigger size to do so, though.’

‘You just about destroyed Ponyville,’ Twilight said, glaring at them both.

The Spartans looked down at her, then at the town.

Several buildings had collapsed, sending plumes of dust all over the rest of the town, while a few were on the verge of joining them. Ponies ran to and fro in the streets, screaming in pain or horror, sometimes both, and water from the water tower they’d toppled still sat in the streets. At least it had put out most of the fires.

‘Nope,’ Jackson said. ‘We left most of the structures intact, and we even put the fires out.’

‘That you caused.’

‘Which we then put out,’ Dawson said, reiterating Jackson’s point. ‘We’re not just going to go around causing random acts of petty destruction.’

A cry of ‘Why are my oranges on fire?’ filtered from the town, making Dawson laugh.

‘I see they found that,’ he said.

‘Okay, we may sometimes cause random acts of destruction,’ Jackson said. ‘But we don’t go out of our way to hurt people, especially if they don’t get in our way.’

‘You punted Spike like a rugby ball, Commander,’ Dawson said. ‘And he was asleep in his basket.’

‘That’s different,’ Jackson said.

‘How?’ Twilight asked.

Jackson shrugged. ‘I don’t know. I’ll let you know when I figure out an excuse.’

‘So maybe we do cause petty destruction, and we may sometimes hurt innocent bystanders, but we’re not downright evil,’ Dawson said.

‘Who took a shit in my dress making supplies?’ Rarity’s voice screamed, cutting across the entire town of Ponyville.

Neither Jackson nor Dawson said a thing, trying their best to not laugh but lost it when Twilight glared up at them.

‘Maybe we should stop saying things that end up causing the exact opposite to happen,’ Dawson said once he’d stopped laughing enough to speak coherently. ‘Though I don’t think Sparkler here can think any less of us.’

Jackson held up a hand, signalling for him to wait. ‘Hang on,’ he said. ‘I just want to try something.’

He sighed and stood, saying, ‘I’ve never had a bag of gold fall at my feet before.’

Dawson picked up on what he was trying and said it as well, then both Spartans looked up expectantly to see if there was a sack of gold suddenly flying their way.

After a solid minute of nothing, they grunted in disappointment.

‘Well, fuck you too!’ Jackson shouted at nothing in particular. ‘I didn’t want a bag of gold anyway.’

‘Yeah,’ Dawson added. ‘Who needs it?’

They looked up again, hoping this ruse had worked but grunted again when it didn’t.

‘Alright, fuck it,’ Jackson said, picking up Twilight’s leash and gave it a tug, making her walk alongside him. ‘Let’s get you back to Lu-Lu so she can use you as leverage against Celly.’

Dawson fell in next to them. ‘I can’t believe we had to destroy an entire town just to get you,’ he said.

‘You didn’t have to,’ Twilight said. ‘You were just evil and petty.’

‘Yup,’ Jackson said as they walked down the hill and towards the Everfree Forest.

Above and behind them, a certain wall eyed Pegasus with blonde hair and bubbles for a cutie mark flew overhead, struggling with two bulging sacks of gold. Why she had been asked to fly them to their destination, she didn’t know. She couldn’t remember picking them up or even flying near Ponyville.

So when Rarity’s follow up scream upon discovering a flaming box or oranges smothered with yet more shit was merrily burning away on her backup dress making supplies not only cut through the air but shattered what few windows were left, she dropped the sacks in surprise and watched them fall to the brow of a hill.

She could see three retreating figures but they didn’t respond to the noise of the sacks landing.

She looked down at the sacks, knowing she’d have to go down and pick them up, and how much of an annoyance that would be.

Derpy sighed and said, ‘I hate Discord Deliveries.’

Somewhere in the Everfree Forest

Birds scattered in droves, taking the air without much forethought as to where they were going or who they were flying towards, adding to the panic and confusion as they tried to get away from an animalistic screech that could have only come from something caught in a trap, screaming its last.

‘It’s just gone noon, half past monsoon, on the banks of the river Nile!’ Jackson sang, loud and proud, as he, Dawson and Twilight walked through the forest. ‘Here comes the boat, nearly half afloat, oarsman grins a toothless smile!’

‘Is he usually like this?’ Twilight asked Dawson, trying to shout over the other Spartan.

‘Usually,’ Dawson confirmed. ‘It’s been a while since he did any Madness. He’s just finished working his way through the complete collections of Weird Al. The he ate a literal ton of grilled cheese sandwiches.’ Dawson shrugged. ‘Maybe that’s why he took a shit on Rarity’s dress making supplies, that box of oranges I lit on fire, and then in her bed. He got backed up.’

‘You’re disgusting,’ Twilight said.

‘Oh, don’t I know it?’ Jackson said before continuing. ‘Only just one more to this desolate shore, last boat along the river Nile!’

Twilight shuddered in revulsion. ‘What did I do to deserve being tormented by the likes of you two?’

‘Nothing, really,’ Dawson said, taking hold of Twilight’s leash from Jackson who had moved from Madness to Dragonforce, singing his way through Through the Fire and Flames with increased volume and was now rocking out on a guitar. ‘Luna wanted you kidnapped, she gave us the job, that’s all there is to it. The only thing you did wrong was support Celestia.’

‘No, what I did wrong was let you put this on me.’ Twilight tapped the collar around her neck that was cancelling out her magic, rendering it null and void.

Without warning, Jackson stopped singing and held up a hand, saying, ‘I sense a great disturbance in the Force.’

Off in the very far distance, they could just about make out a screamed shout of ‘MY BED!’ coming from somewhere in Ponyville’s direction.

The two Spartans shared a laugh then continued walking.

‘Petty,’ Twilight said. ‘That’s what you are. Petty.’

‘Still doesn’t detract from how badly we whooped your Sunnie ass,’ Jackson said. ‘Us ‘petty’ Loonies sure did a good job of breaking Ponyville’s defences and capturing you.’

Twilight glared back at Jackson. ‘Our defences consisted of a single automated party cannon Pinkie has been meaning to reload for weeks now. If I hadn’t been so preoccupied when you broke into my home, I think the outcome would have been very different.’

‘You’re just pissed because we interrupted Caramel,’ Dawson said. ‘Though I have to say, he seemed mighty pleased to take his head out from between your legs.’

Twilight grumbled under her breath. ‘I’ll have to dock his pay for that.’

‘Provided you can return to him,’ Jackson said. ‘I don’t think Luna will let you out any time soon.’

‘Yeah, you’re a VIP,’ Dawson said.

‘She thinks I’m a very important pony?’ Twilight asked but the Spartans shook their heads.

‘Irritating,’ Dawson said. ‘Very Irritating Pony. Apparently, she found your thesis on the sub-atomic composition of magically infused gemstones used in high density particle collisions to be bland and pretentious rubbish that even a kindergartner at Equestria’s worst school for dunces could have disproved, saying it proved nothing new and was a waste of paper.’

Twilight gasped in shock. ‘She didn’t?’

‘She did,’ Jackson said. ‘Luna then mocked your research methodology by calling it amateur at best, the ramblings of  a brain dead simpleton who could barely grasp the concept of their being such a thing as a gem, much less a sparkly one.

‘I, for one, found it an amusing read while I shat out the present I left within Rarity’s bedcovers. What about you, Dawson?’

‘Oh, you could most definitely see where she went wrong, Jackson,’ Dawson said, affecting as posh an accent as he could manage. ‘Using an electron microscope set to magnification times 2350 when she clearly needed it at 2351. Perish the thought. At that level magnification, the bonds between the positively charged electrons and negatively charged positrons would have been no more distinguishable than, say, the differences between the ramblings of a drunk and those of a valedictorian who attended Celestia’s School for Gifted Unicorns.’

‘Terrible, I know,’ Jackson said, copying Dawson. ‘How that wretched school had the audacity to call itself the best around when Luna’s Community College has produced so many exemplary scholars like Fattus Assus and Trixie the Unicorn, while it can barely produce a student that knows how to drool properly. Why, even the stallion who started the school made a comatose zombie look intelligent.'

‘Ah, yes,’ Dawson said, snapping his fingers. ‘Starswirl the Bearded, if memory serves me correctly. Why his theory on the application of high output, low expenditure phasing beams in consolidating free-flow electrons makes your ramblings look half decent by comparison.’

Between the Spartans, Twilight silently fumed as they mocked her school and idol, as well as her research paper. She wanted to hurt them, so badly, but couldn’t with the collar around her neck. With it on, she could barely summon enough power to cause a spark powerful enough to light a fire.

If she ever came across them without her collar on, woe betide those two...

‘And that outfit he wore,’ Jackson said, making a show of shuddering. ‘What kind of barbarian would place bells on it, let alone wear such a garish outfit in the first place?’

‘A better stallion than either of you two,’ Twilight muttered.

They laughed.

‘Oh, Twilight. You crack me up with your jokes,’ Dawson said, patting her on the back. ‘There’s no other stallion better than I, and I am but a humble man.’

Jackson looked at Dawson. ‘No, I’m the better stallion. I was the one who came up with the plan of attack.’

‘You yelled charge and ran at Ponyville,’ Dawson countered. ‘There was no plan.’

‘There was.’ Jackson squared up to Dawson. ‘And I pulled it off well, despite your bumbling attempts at following it.’

‘Bumbling attempts?’ Dawson repeated. ‘And what, pray tell, were they?’

‘Where shall I begin?’ Jackson said. ‘First, you insisted on using an assault rifle in the attack.’

‘You use an assault rifle!’ Dawson yelled, pointing at the very same weapon on Jackson’s back.

‘Correction,’ Jackson said. ‘I use it well.’ He held up two fingers. ‘Bumbling attempt number two: you failed to heed my orders and in doing so, nearly failed to light the distraction fire.’

‘I never heard such an order.’ Dawson yelled. ‘All I heard from you was the word ‘charge’ as we ran into town, ‘this is a big one’ three times during our rampage through Carousel Boutique followed by several screams of pain, and then ‘did we catch you at a bad time’ once we found Twilight underneath Caramel.’

‘Don’t forget ‘Hut-22’ when I kicked Spike out the window.’ Jackson laughed at that memory. ‘Boy, he sure did fly like a bird. Too bad he hit the water tower so it fell over and put out the distraction fires. Do we know if he ever resurfaced or was he carried off with the current?’

‘I don’t know!’ Dawson said. ‘I was too busy trying to follow your plan to notice where a purple stoner midget floated off to. Not to mention trying to get control of a mare who didn’t want her special time interrupted or a magic dampening collar put in place.’

‘Yeah, the choke collar she already had on was more than enough.’

‘What is wrong with you?’ Dawson asked.

‘Me?’ Jackson said, pointing a thumb at himself. ‘There’s nothing wrong with me. I’m not the one who’s in to autoerotic asphyxia. She is.’ He pointed at an empty patch of air. ‘So until you find me with a bag over my head and my dick in my hand, you can’t-‘

He stopped, as did Dawson, and both turned their heads to where Twilight had been standing, seeing only an empty spot of dirt and a leash someone had chewed through, severing it.

‘See, Dawson?’ Jackson said. ‘This is what happens when you don’t follow my plans exactly.’

‘What plan?’ Dawson shouted. ‘You said nothing and therefore, I did nothing.’

‘I thought it would have been obvious to keep an eye on the prisoner,’ Jackson said. He huffed in irritation. ‘Great. Now we have to go find her. Again.’

‘I’ll come up with the plan this time.’

Somewhere in the Everfree Forest

This time, Squealing Wombat didn’t pause to consider their handiwork as they dragged Twilight Sparkle away from the devastated town a second time, thankful to find her already tied up and gagged when they burst into her room at Golden Oaks Library.

Her companion, a mare this time brandishing a crop, had simply stared slack-jawed as Jackson clamped another magic dampening collar on Twilight and hoisted her onto his shoulder, ignoring her muffled cries of anger.

‘Don’t expect a refund,’ Dawson had said to the mare, slamming the door behind him.

Back in the forest, the air was tense between Dawson and Jackson though it was partly broken when the former looked at the prisoner dangling from the latter’s shoulder.

‘She’d barely been out of captivity for an hour, then goes and lets herself get put into an even more compromising position,’ Dawson said, looking at the ropes keeping Twilight trussed up.

‘I think she gets off on it,’ Jackson said. ‘That angry look she’s been giving us both is probably two-fold. One for kidnapping her again, two for yet again interrupting Twilight Time.’

‘You need better locks on your door,’ was all Dawson had to say to Twilight.

She said something back but it was muffled by the gag in her mouth.

‘Keep using language like that and I might have to spank you or something,’ Jackson said.

Twilight’s eyes lit up with excitement and she managed to say ‘Really?’ clearly enough for Jackson and Dawson to understand.

Jackson shook his head. ‘Nope. I’ll hang you from a tree overnight and not feed you.’

More muffled mumblings came from Twilight, inquiring what they’d do if she stopped using bad language.

‘We’ll still hang you from a tree,’ Jackson said. ‘But we’ll feed you.’

‘No idea what but we’ll find something,’ Dawson said. ‘I hear there are plenty of bugs in the Everfree Forest at this time of year.’

Twilight let out a despondent groan.

Somewhere in the Everfree Forest

It took them a while to find a tree branch strong enough to support Twilight’s weight and when they did, they used some rope from one of their rucksacks to make a cradle for the Alicorn so that the rope keeping her legs and wings in place wouldn’t cut in too much overnight.

She just glared at them as they did, unleashing a string of abuse their way once Jackson removed the gag to feed her. He just shrugged and put the food on the floor, mere feet away from Twilight’s salivating mouth.

‘Not so smart a move, was it?’ Dawson said, hearing her stomach growl from the fire he and Jackson had set up, also away from Twilight. She couldn’t feel any of the warmth it threw out and was shivering because of it in the cool forest air.

‘Not the first one she made today,’ Jackson said. ‘Running away from us to begin with, letting herself be tied up despite the fact she knew we’d come after her. All the hallmarks of a student from Celestia’s School, making one bad decision after another.’

‘And now she’s had her food taken away,’ Dawson said, tutting. ‘Definitely the valedictorian.’

Jackson hummed in agreement, then in thought. ‘A thought just occurred to me...’ he said.

‘I very much doubt that,’ Twilight muttered then screeched in alarm as Jackson threw a bucket of ice cold water over her, soaking her thoroughly.

‘I thought you liked being punished?’ Dawson asked as Twilight swore at them again.

‘Maybe it’s only when it’s by a mare, or her gag is in place,’ Jackson theorised.

‘Lacking a mare, I say we try the gag and next time she does something inappropriate, we dangle her in the river up to her neck, leave her there for an hour or two.’ Dawson looked between the dangling Twilight and the flowing river not too far away.

‘Agreed,’ Jackson said. ‘Now about my earlier thought.’

Both Spartans looked at Twilight, as if waiting for her to throw another jibe at Jackson, but she remained quiet, shivering in her ropes.

‘Dammit,’ Dawson muttered. ‘I was hoping she’d do something punishable.’ He shrugged. ‘Oh, well. Your thought?’

‘Uh...’ Jackson began but trailed off, looking into space. ‘I forget.’

Across from them, Twilight laughed before clamping her mouth shut as the Spartans got up and sauntered over.

Somewhere in the Everfree Forest

Jackson and Dawson hauled a violently shivering Twilight from the river, dumping her onto the river bank, then dragged her to the fire where they let her stay.

She gave them a look that was equal parts grateful and resentful, somewhat undermined by the hot pink ball gag in her mouth.

‘Scratch that theory,’ Jackson said. ‘I didn’t hear any ecstatic groans from her. Maybe we have to be a mare to get them.’

‘That’s not the half of it,’ Twilight muttered past the gag, only to yelp in surprise as two boots shoved her away from the fire and towards the river again.

Jackson and Dawson watched her fall in and float away.

‘Dawson?’ Jackson said as Twilight floated out of sight.

‘Yes, Jackson?’ Dawson said.

‘Did we just kick the VIP we were supposed to escort back to Luna into a river?’

‘Yes, Jackson.’

‘And said VIP was bound so tightly, she couldn’t even wriggle, let alone swim?’

‘Yes, Jackson.’

‘With a magic dampening collar on that will stop her from undoing said bonds, or teleporting to safety?’

‘Yes, Jackson.’

‘I thought as much.’

There was a moment’s pause as both Spartans remained standing where they were then, as if a switch were thrown, scrambled after her, swearing at the top of their lungs.

Somewhere in the Everfree Forest

They found the bank she’d come ashore at, seeing scuff marks and the occasional purple feather leading into the forest, a few miles down from where they’d kicked Twilight in.

How she’d managed to haul herself ashore despite still being bound, they didn’t know.

What they did know was that without the very irritating pony, Luna would be incredible angry with them and liable to send them to do all manner of horrific things as punishment, reading the Twilight series of novels being one of them.

They both shuddered violently at that thought.

‘How exactly did Twilight drag herself from the river?’ Dawson asked.

‘Dunno,’ Jackson said. ‘Assume Shark Week?’

‘Assuming Shark Week,’ Dawson confirmed. ‘Now where could a bound, gagged, and magically suppressed Alicorn with a thing for being whipped have gone?’

Jackson shrugged. ‘Follow the feathers?’ he said, pointing at a faint trail of them.

Dawson looked at them. ‘Works for me.’

They drew their assault rifles and walked along the path that had been formed when Twilight had somehow moved herself from the river, looking for anything out of the ordinary.

They heard the something out of the ordinary first, a steady drumbeat and chanting coming from somewhere up ahead, followed by the flickering light that could only come from flaming torches.

Jackson signalled for Dawson to go right and be quiet, while he would go left.

Dawson nodded at the Spartans split up, each taking a different approach to the drumbeats.

They reached the clearing at roughly the same time, pausing just in the tree line and in the shadows.

‘Jackson?’ Dawson said on the radio

‘Yes, Dawson?’ Jackson said.

‘Am I looking at what I think I’m looking at?’

‘If you think you’re looking at a bunch of buffalo getting ready to spit roast Twilight Sparkle, then yes. You are looking at what you think you’re looking at.’

‘I thought as much.’

In the middle of the clearing sat a camp large enough to contain a few dozen buffalo, its inhabitants preparing a fire, over which dangled Twilight, still tied up though her gag was nowhere to be seen.

She was trying to call out for help but a buffalo struck her with a whip.

‘No talking,’ the buffalo, a female, said sternly as she coiled her whip up, ready to use again.

Twilight yelped in pain and surprise, then craned her neck around to look at the buffalo and said, ‘A little to the left, please? Either my wing or my cutie mark. They’re really sensitive.’

‘Stop talking,’ the buffalo said, striking Twilight again though whether it was by accident or a case of submitting to the Alicorn’s wishes, she hit the centre of her cutie mark and Twilight let out a groan of pleasure.

‘Oh, yeah. That’s the spot.’

This earned her another whipping, on the wing this time, and she went ooh.

‘The fuck is wrong with these ponies?’ Dawson asked.

‘Don’t know. Don’t want to know,’ Jackson said. ‘Let’s just get her and get back to Luna before-‘

A fanfare from the buffalo made him stop and look as they lined up in front of a tent with bizarre decorations and bowed, forming an aisle that led to the fire pit.

From inside the tent, a small purple dragon emerged and began wandering towards the fire.

‘Is that Spike?’ Jackson asked.

‘Small, stoned look in their eyes, a bong in hand. Yep, that’s Spike.’

‘So he did get carried off by the current.’ Jackson hummed in thought. ‘Why is he being treated like royalty?’

‘Oh, great and wondrous Spike!’ the chieftain of the buffalo said, bowing before the dragon. ‘We have brought that which you asked! A pony for you to eat out. Please bless our offering by using your most sacred of powers and bringing forth the flames we so desperately revere to cook her.’

‘I think they misunderstand the phrase ‘eat out’,’ Dawson said.

Jackson said, ‘Yup.’

‘Yeah, like, far out, dude,’ Spike said after taking a hit from his bong, squeaking as he walked to the fire. ‘Always wanted to eat a pony out that wasn’t Rainbow Dash. She’ll, like, do anyone if they give her a bit.’

Twilight looked up in amazement at the sight of Spike, trying to call out to him.

‘Spike!’ she said, earning a lash of the whip. ‘It’s. Me. Twi. Light! Tell. Them. To. Stop!’

Each word she spoke earned her another whipping, spread between her wing and cutie mark, and by the end Twilight’s expression was halfway between extremely satisfied and extremely worried.

Spike, who was either too stoned to notice or simply didn’t care, crouched by the fire pit and, after yet another bong session, began drawing in breath ready to blow out a stream of fire.

‘Charge!’ Jackson said, bursting from cover. He reached Spike in three steps, drawing back a leg to unleash a kick that connected with the dragon and sent him flying over the tree tops and out of sight.

‘Hut-44!’ Jackson yelled as Dawson broke from cover as well, running over to him.

‘Give me some warning next time,’ Dawson muttered, assault rifle aimed at the buffalo as they drew closer, snarls on their faces. Probably because Jackson had just punted their leader far away. ‘So what’s the plan?’

‘Isn’t it obvious?’ Jackson said.

‘No.’

‘Oh.’

With that, Jackson grabbed Twilight from the spit roast she had been on and sprinted back into the trees, leaving Dawson to face the buffalo alone.

‘GrabTwilightthenrunlikethewindbeforetheseuglymotherhumperscantryandstopus!’ Jackson yelled as he ran away.

‘Holy balls, you’re the worst commander ever!’ Dawson yelled after him. ‘Leaving me here to deal with these guys.’ He turned back to the buffalo as they pressed ever closer. ‘Wait, why am I even staying behind the deal with you guys? Tim-Tim, away!’

He unleashed a girlish scream and ran after Jackson, disappearing into the trees before the buffalo could give chase and was lost to sight.

Inside the New Lunar Republic’s headquarters

‘This one’s a bit of a weird one,’ Jackson said as he dumped Twilight at the feet of the NLR’s head interrogator. She was still bound, her hot pink gag in place after being located almost by accident.

‘Weird how?’ the interrogator asked.

‘She likes being whipped,’ Dawson said. ‘Especially on the wing and cutie mark.’

That piqued the interrogator’s interest. ‘Really?’ She bent down and whispered something in Twilight’s ear, getting an enthusiastic nod back. ‘Okay. I’ll get to work on her.’

Jackson looked at the interrogator suspiciously as she dumped Twilight onto her back and began heading to the dungeon. ‘What did you say to her?’

‘That I’ll break out the riding crop so long as she tells me everything she knows.’

With that, the two mares were lost to sight and the two Spartans shuddered.

‘We need to get back to killing things,’ Dawson said.

‘Yup,’ Jackson said.

Somewhere in the Everfree Forest

Spike came into land for the second time that day, crashing through the canopy of leaves and branches to bounce off the soft forest floor, stopping at the base of a tree.

He sat up and checked his bong, his most prized possession, and was relieved to see it was undamaged. He pulled some weed out and placed it inside, adding in a bit of LSD to make things interesting, then lit up and took a hit.

The stoner dragon leaned back as the drugs took effect, making the colours way more intense and everything way more blurred. It was, like, totally awesome.

Spike blew out a plume of smoke that seemed to sparkle in the air and he watched it go, giggling to himself for no good reason.

He watched with detached amusement as two sacks filled with gold landed right in front of him, spilling a few errant coins that cast a glowing golden light over everything.

Another bong hit and the glowing intensified.

He reached out for the nearest coin, taking a moment to study the half a dozen eyes that had sprung up on his arm and laugh, but stopped when a drop dead gorgeous blonde mare suddenly floated down from the heavens, accompanied by a celestial choir.

They said something but in Spike’s current state, he couldn’t make anything out. Just the subtext.

‘Can I have a try of that?’ they seemed to say, pointing a wavy hoof at something. Whether it was his bong or not, Spike couldn’t be sure. But, he was a believer of sharing.

‘Sure,’ Spike said, his own voice sounding blurred and altering in pitch, tempo, and length, even though he’d only said one word.

He hit the bong again, drawing in a mouthful, then pulled the mare closer to deliver a kiss, blowing the smoke into their mouth as he tried to find their tongue.

The mare pulled back, either coughing or laughing.

‘Far out, right?’ Spike said. ‘I got this from Princess Cadance herself. She calls it Crystal Weed. It’ll, like, make your mind go whoa.’

Derpy coughed again, trying to get the taste of Spike out of her mouth and hoped she hadn’t inhaled too much of the drug. But, alas, the world began going all bendy and sparkly and she knew it was too late.

Sighing, she resigned herself to experience the trip, thinking two things.

One, it wasn’t as bad as some of the other trips she’d been on.

And two, she really hated Discord Deliveries.