The Lunar Spartans

Territories

In the New Lunar Republic’s headquarters

Luna glared silently at Jackson and Dawson as they sat before her, feet propped up on her exquisite mahogany desk and covering it with dirt and scratches.

She held up a scroll one of her soldiers had written up following their latest mission to undermine the Solar Empire.

‘You. Did. What,’ she said quietly.

‘WSF,’ Jackson said. ‘We fucked ‘em up good.’

Dawson nodded. ‘No more munitions are going to be built there anymore.’

‘The reason for that, Spartan Dawson, is not because of your Wombat Style Fighting,’ Luna said. ‘But because there wasn’t a munitions plant where you attacked in the first place.’

‘You sure?’ Jackson asked. ‘Because it sure looked like munitions plant.’

‘Did you see any chimneys belching black smoke high into the air?’

‘Nope.’

‘Did you see a loading yard filled with the raw materials needed for the bullets Celestia uses to attack me?’

‘Nope.’

‘Did you see a sign that said Solar Empire Munitions Factory?’

‘Nope.’

Luna glared at him. ‘And do you know why?’

‘Nope.’

‘Because, my dear Wombat, it wasn’t a munitions factory at all. It was an orphanage!  By Faustia’s beard, you two are incompetent.’

‘I did wonder why the workers were tiny,’ Dawson said.

‘Guess they weren’t midgets after all,’ Jackson said. He shrugged. ‘Oh, well.’

Luna sighed and banged her head on the desk. ‘While I am quite happy that you destroyed something that belonged to my sister, I am not happy that you traumatised dozens of children and destroyed their home!’

‘And?’ Jackson said. ‘What are they gonna do, tell their parents?’

Dawson looked at his partner briefly then turned back to Luna as she brought her head up, absently rubbing it with a hoof.

‘How do you put up with him?’ she asked, pointing at Jackson.

Dawson shrugged. ‘Dunno. I mean, he does make me madder than an Ethiopian with no legs watching a doughnut roll down a hill but hey, at least I have a laugh and get to blow shit up.’

Luna groaned this time and repeatedly smacked her head on the desk.

She stopped, sighed, then begrudgingly got to her hooves.

‘We will speak about your incident, and the inappropriateness of your responses, at a later date,’ Luna said, looking at the Spartans. ‘But before we do that, there is another facility you need to turn your... attention to. A Solar Empire manufacturing plant that will pose a threat in the future if it isn’t taken out.

‘And before I get rid of- send you to deal with it, we need to speak with the only pony here who has detailed knowledge of Celestia’s plans. Twilight Sparkle.’

All three present groaned, knowing what that would entail.

In the New Lunar Republic’s headquarters

Down in the depths of the NLR’s headquarters located deep within the Everfree Forest, two Spartans and one Alicorn traversed the roughly hewn steps down to the dungeons where Twilight Sparkle was interned, passing by flaming torches that threw out a harsh orange glow.

Dawson kept eyeing them up.

‘And you’re absolutely sure Twilight Sparkle is now a member of the New Lunar Republic?’ he asked, casting the occasional glance at Jackson.

Luna nodded. ‘Yes, Twilight converted a few days after you brought her here. Why? Is there a problem?’

‘No problem,’ Dawson said. ‘Just so long as she’s not a Sunnie anymore and there’s hardly any flaming torches in her room, if any.’

The Alicorn looked at Dawson long and hard, a suspicious look on her face, but she dropped it and shrugged. She then barely managed to catch herself from saying Shark Week, shuddering.

She really needed to get rid of Those Two, and quickly, before any more of their mannerisms rubbed off on her.

The trio reached Twilight’s room, hearing the occasional squeal coming from inside, and both Luna and Jackson looked at Dawson.

‘What?’ he said, looking back at them.

‘Open the door,’ Jackson said. ‘Make sure it’s suitable for the more sensitive among us to enter.’

Dawson gave him a flat look. ‘You? Sensitive? Really?’

‘I have a delicate mind,’ Jackson said. ‘It doesn’t do me any good seeing smut or indecent acts being carried out. I’m in a delicate place right now, you know. It wouldn’t take much to tip me over the edge.’

‘You fell off the edge a long time ago,’ Dawson said. ‘And you’re now freefalling to what is known as craziness.’

‘Agreed,’ Luna said. ‘Now that’s out of the way, open the door, Dawson.’

‘Why me?’ he said.

‘We’re your superiors,’ Luna said. ‘And we’re pulling rank.’

‘And you did read through all of her porn collection three times,’ Jackson added, pointing his thumb at Luna.

She nodded in agreement and said, ‘Therefore, you should be well acclimatised to pony on pony action in whatever form it’s in.’

Dawson threw his hands up in exasperation. ‘For the thousandth time, I replaced every pony related term with an appropriate human one. I do not like pony on pony action!’

Jackson shrugged. ‘Whatever.’ He pointed at the door. ‘Now open it. I command you as your commanding officer using all the commanding powers I can command as an officer higher in rank than you.’

Dawson sighed, seeing there was no arguing with that logic, provided there was any, and took a step towards the door, stooping when he heard Twilight’s voice filter through the wood.

‘Please, mistress? We’ve been doing this for an hour now. Can I at least have one? Please? Haven’t I been – ah! – a good little slave?’

The Spartan shuddered, seeing no sign from Jackson or Luna behind him to stand down, so he took a deep breath, closed his eyes, and surged forward, kicking the door down with one swift movement.

‘Whateverthefuckyou’redoingstopitnowandcoveryourselfupasbestyoucanbecausePrincessLunaneedstospeakwithPrincessTwilightaboutPrincessCelestia,’ Dawson shouted as he stopped just beyond the frame of the door he’d just kicked open.

He kept his eyes screwed shut, not wanting to open them lest he see something he really didn’t want to.

‘Who is it?’ Twilight asked from somewhere to his right. ‘Is that Dawson?’ She sighed. ‘Why does he have to always ruin Twilight Time just when I’m about to-‘

A sharp crack echoed throughout the room and Twilight yelped in pain and pleasure.

‘Quiet, slave,’ another pony said, the NLR’s chief interrogator judging by the voice. Dawson didn’t know her name.

‘Yes, mistress,’ Twilight said.

‘It’s okay,’ the mistress said. ‘She’s decent.’

‘Why don’t I believe you?’ Dawson said.

‘Because you’re a cynical person?’

‘That he is,’ Jackson called out from outside.

‘Missy, is Twilight in a compromising position and if she is, how hard would it be make her look decent enough for me to enter?’ Luna asked.

‘Well, she’s tied down and spread eagle,’ the pony, Missy presumably because she was the only other person/pony here that didn’t already have a name, said. ‘So everything’s on show but she’s got a chastity belt on. You can’t see her pearl.’

‘Now why can’t you have asked that from beyond the door?’ Dawson asked. ‘Why have me go through the door and risk seeing Twilight in that position?’

‘It wouldn’t have been as funny?’ Jackson said.

‘Worst commander ever!’ Dawson yelled Jackson’s way. ‘You too, Luna.’

They laughed.

‘You can open your eyes, Spartan,’ Missy said from somewhere in front of Dawson. ‘My slave’s decent.’

‘I am,’ Twilight said, only to earn, presumably, another whipping from Missy. ‘Sorry, mistress.’

With a sigh, Dawson cracked open one eye just enough to see vague outlines, slowly opening it wider until he could see in greater detail.

There was a bed to his left, adorned with purple covers that had a starry design and several plump looking pillows, while to his right was a waist high table that a purple form was tied down to. He opened his eyes fully and saw that Twilight was blindfolded as well, sweating too, while Missy was standing to one side with a whip attached to one hoof.

‘It’s okay,’ Dawson said. ‘Barely.’

Jackson and Luna were soon by his side.

‘Have you been able to get anything out of her?’ Luna asked Missy.

‘About twenty-three yesterday,’ she said. ‘Though her current record stands at thirty-two in an hour. She’s only managed to get fifteen from me but her tongue work is getting better. Twilli might soon be getting twenty, possible twenty-five orgasms from me an hour before too long.’

The three newcomers shuddered at that.

‘No, Missy,’ Luna said slowly. ‘I meant, have you learned anything more about Celestia’s plans? I could care less about her orgasm record.’

Missy flashed Luna a sly grin. ‘Oh, don’t worry, ma’am. Your record remains untouched.’

Luna turned crimson red as Dawson and Jackson turned their heads with agonising slowness to look at her, muttering a number of curses at the pony stood before her.

‘Forty-three, I do believe,’ Missy said. ‘One after the other, all without mechanical assistance. You couldn’t walk straight for a week. My finest work.’

Jackson and Dawson shuddered again, violently, and made retching noises.

‘Forty-three?’ Twilight whispered from her bonds. ‘Wow.’

After giving Twilight a whipping that elicited happy noises, Missy said, ‘As for the information, she’s been rather forthcoming. Haven’t you, slave?’

‘Yes, mistress,’ Twilight said.

‘What does she know about a manufacturing plant fifty miles west of Canterlot, located in the middle of a forest?’ Luna asked once her blush had gone from crimson red to deep red.

‘Well, slave?’ Missy asked.

‘It’s there,’ Twilight said.

‘Could you be more specific?’ Luna said.

‘Maybe,’ the bound Alicorn said.

Missy rolled her eyes and used her whip to strike Twilight’s cutie mark. ‘You can speak freely, slave.  And if you don’t speak, or act obstructively, just so I’ll whip you, I won’t and I’ll leave the belt on. For a week.’

Twilight gasped in horror. ‘You wouldn’t, mistress?’

‘However,’ Missy continued. ‘If you answer all of Luna’s questions, I’ll take it off and we can try to break her record.’

Twilight’s body quivered in anticipation.

‘Blegh,’ Jackson said.

‘Ditto,’ Dawson muttered.

‘Now, then,’ Luna said. ‘This manufacturing plant. What exactly does it produce?’

‘Specialised computer parts for a new weapon Celestia’s building,’ Twilight said. ‘It’s some kind of high energy laser cannon capable of striking targets from ten miles away. And that’s just the prototype she’s building. The full scale thing is supposed to be launched into outer space and be used as a WMD. Celestia called it the Friendship Cannon.’

‘An orbital friendship cannon,’ Jackson murmured to Dawson. ‘If I didn’t feel slighted that Celly’s trying to take the laser beam of doom monopoly away from me, I’d be impressed.’

‘I think the Friendship Cannon has a better chance of coming to fruition than the Shoop-da-Whoop Kill-o-tron 5000,’ Dawson said. ‘For starters, Celestia has a budding space program. You have an elastic band.’

‘It could work,’ Jackson said. ‘I just need to get a big enough band.’

‘Quiet, you two,’ Luna hissed then to Twilight, said, ‘What kind of defences does it have?’

‘Three companies of Solar Empire regulars plus another two of special forces, ten metre high walls topped with barbed wire, machine gun turrets, archers, trebuchets-‘

‘Sounds easy enough,’ Jackson said. ‘We’ve been though tougher.’

‘-minefields,’ Twilight said, continuing. ‘Lasers, sharks, laser sharks, more mines, another layer of laser sharks, mines again, then a moat made of magma.’ She paused, thinking. ‘Then you get to the secondary defences.’

‘Holy balls, that’s a lot of defences,’ Dawson said. ‘I’m suddenly feeling less optimistic about our chances of succeeding.’

‘I’m not,’ Jackson said.

‘Yeah, but you’re crazy,’ Dawson said. ‘How do you expect us to break through everything Twilight just said before we even reach the secondary line of defences?’

‘WSF,’ Jackson said.

‘There’s also an entire pack of Juggernautasaruses,’ Twilight said. ‘No, wait. They’re on the seventh defensive line. Or is it the eleventh?’

‘There’s eleven lines of defence?’ Jackson said, sounding shocked.

Twilight shrugged as best she could. ‘Something like that. I stopped counting after fifteen when Celestia took me on a tour there.’

‘Yeah, I’m revising our chances as well,’ Jackson said. ‘WSF or not, there’s no way we take on a whole pack of Cuddles’ brethren. If only the PacCan 5.0 as up and running. We could wipe them all out in one fell beam of doomy doom.’

‘If take over the next hill, you might,’ Twilight said. ‘Celestia feared you had a laser cannon so she put a whole company of veterans on the nearest hill with a clean line of sight.’

‘You failed to mention that,’ Missy said, trailing a hoof over Twilight’s side, making the mare shiver with excitement.

‘Sorry, mistress. I should be whipped for withholding information.’

‘And giving orders,’ Missy said.

‘Yes, mistress.’

‘Blegh,’ Jackson said for the second time that day. ‘Come on, Dawson. Let’s go wait outside.’

‘I thought you’d never give the order,’ Dawson said, scurrying after his teammate out of the room where they both tried to get the mental image of Twilight Sparkle spread eagle and being whipped out of their heads but failed miserably.

‘Moonshine?’ Jackson offered, pulling out a bottle from a pouch on his armour. ‘Good stuff. You get your eyesight back after only two days.’

‘That’s good?’ Dawson said, taking the bottle and looking at it. He saw it was Tranquillity Moonshine, Luna’s favourite, but shrugged and popped the lid off, removing his helmet to take a swig of the eighty-proof alcohol.

‘Smooth,’ he rasped, passing the bottle over to Jackson who took a much larger drink. He coughed, feeling the moonshine travel down his throat and come to a rest in his stomach, feeling the fiery warmth it gave off.

‘Yup,’ Jackson said, his voice barely any different.

From inside Twilight’s room, they heard Luna continuing to question Twilight about the manufacturing plant.

‘How long have these troops been stationed on that hill? What kind of defences do they have?’

Jackson drank some more Tranquillity Moonshine then passed the bottle back to Dawson.

‘I see,’ Luna said. Twilight’s responses were too quiet to hear, as were Missy’s, and the alcohol in their systems was starting to take effect, making them feel giddy and light headed. ‘And what about- No, Missy. You can’t whip her while I’m still talking to her. I need her to be focused on me! Because I need to know what I’m sending Those Two up against.’

She sighed in irritation. ‘Missy, stop whipping her nipples. Yes, I can see Twilight likes it but she has to- No, we cannot try to break my record right now.’

Dawson looked back at the door as he and Jackson slumped against the wall, not trusting their legs to keep them upright. He stared at it for a while then turned back to Jackson, offering the bottle.

‘Keep it,’ Jackson said, producing a bottle of his own.

‘Thanks, commander,’ Dawson said, clinking his bottle against Jackson’s.

‘Missy,’ Luna said. ‘I have more pressing matters to attend to. I cannot take time... out... of... Oh, by Faustia’s beard, I forgot you could do that.’ She let loose a whinny of pleasure.

‘How much of this do I have to drink before I forgot what I heard just now?’ Dawson asked, pointing a wavering finger at his bottle.

Jackson looked at the bottle, trying very hard to focus on it while taking several sips from his own, and said, ‘Dunno. I usually black out after a single bottle. You might get to three-quarters gone before things go dark. If you don’t, I got plenty more.’

‘Awesome,’ Dawson said.

‘I... I really should... should be going,’ Luna said, her breathing starting to become irregular. ‘I have- oh, Missy. You have been practising.’ Her breathing turned heavy for the briefest of moments then petered out into a whimper. ‘Don’t stop, mistress. I was so close! Wha... Oh, mistress. Do I have to eat her out? Can’t I just-‘ The sound of a whip being cracked cut through the air. ‘Yes, mistress! Of course, mistress! Just whip me there again while I do.’

Dawson looked at the bottle, looked at the doorway, said, ‘Fuck it,’ and began downing the entire bottle of moonshine, seeing Jackson was already doing the same beside him.

The blackout Jackson had promised soon arrived and just in time, too, as heavy ecstatic groans began filling the air.

In the New Lunar Republic’s headquarters

A rude, pounding, skull splitting headache greeted both members of Squealing Wombat as they woke up, the moonshine’s effects wearing off, only for the after effects to kick in with the force of a mule.

Dawson came to first, groaning and shoving a heavy lump off him that was no doubt Jackson.

‘But mommy, I don’t want to wear the gingham dress,’ Jackson mumbled as he kept sliding to the floor. ‘I wanna wear the sunflower one.’

He grunted and groaned when his head came into contact with the hard stone floor.

‘Is it over?’ Jackson asked in a hoarse whisper.

‘Dunno,’ Dawson said, holding a palm to the side of his head. ‘I can’t hear anything.’

‘That’ll be the moonshine talking,’ Jackson said. He forced himself into a sitting position, smacking his lips together. ‘God, I need a drink.’

‘You just had one.’ Dawson held up the two empty bottles of Tranquillity Moonshine.

‘That was eleven hours ago,’ Jackson whispered.

Dawson squinted and looked at his teammate. ‘How do you know how long we’ve been out for? There’s no clock and we don’t have our helmets on.’

‘Experience,’ Jackson said. He groaned in pain. ‘One bottle of Tranquillity Moonshine downed with barely any pause equals a blackout lasting roughly eleven hours, depending on the individual’s BMI and metabolic rate. The more you pace yourself, the shorter the blackout.’

‘Oh,’ Dawson said. ‘So how long until my hearing is back to full capacity?’

‘Half an hour.’

‘Great.’

Dawson made to stand up but Jackson put a hand on his shoulder, bringing the Spartan back down.

‘The last thing you want to be doing after waking up from an eleven hour blackout caused by Tranquillity Moonshine is exert yourself by walking. You wait for the headache to pass then you can think about crawling.’

‘Oh,’ Dawson said again.

‘Is Luna finished?’ Jackson asked.

‘Dunno,’ Dawson said. ‘I can’t hear shit beyond my immediate circle so she’s either finished or is being very quiet while Missy plays with her body.’

‘Thank fuck,’ Jackson said. ‘Because this hangover is only going to get worse. Everything we hear over forty decibels is going to hurt like-‘

At that moment, a huge explosion of light, sound, and magic exploded out of the doorframe leading into Twilight’s room, throwing up massive plumes of dust and shaking lose some overhead stones that bounced of both Jackson and Dawson’s heads.

‘Son of a bitch!’ Jackson yelled.

‘Son of a bitch!’ Dawson yelled.

‘By Faustia’s beard!’ Luna yelled.

‘Cadance!’ Twilight yelled.

‘Son of a bitch!’ Jackson yelled again.

‘What?’ Dawson yelled back.

‘I said, son of a bitch!’ Jackson said, hands clamped over his ears. ‘Fuck, I did not need to hear that at the beginning of a Tranquillity Moonshine induced hangover.’

‘Okay,’ Dawson yelled, giving Jackson a thumbs up. ‘It’s just my hearing that’s hurting me.’

Jackson waved him off as Luna staggered out of Twilight’s room, her face drenched in sweat. She was panting heavily, back legs wobbling, and looked at the Spartans.

‘Not a word to anypony,’ she said, leaning heavily against the wall as Missy walked past, her muzzle and one hoof covered in fluids best not thought about.

She smiled at the princess, saying, ‘Told you dragging it out for eleven hours would be worth it. You were carrying so much tension. We really should do this more often.’

‘Yes, mistress,’ Luna said, finally giving up and sliding to the floor.

Missy smiled and walked off.

Luna looked at the Spartans, saw their hung-over expressions and the bottles of moonshine by their sides, then said, ‘I think we should all take a rest break right here. You know, get our strength back. There’s no rush.’

‘Agreed,’ Jackson and Dawson said as Twilight hobbled out of her room, a dreamlike expression on her face, and collapsed next to Luna, cuddling up to the other Alicorn.

‘You were amazing,’ she crooned. ‘Your tongue, it knew exactly where to go.’

Dawson groaned and picked up his bottle that still had a quarter of the silvery coloured left.

‘To blackouts!’ he proclaimed before downing the remaining moonshine.

‘Memory loss!’ Jackson said, producing a third bottle which he took a generous swig from.

Both Spartans lapsed back into unconsciousness within seconds.

Somewhere near Canterlot

‘I think I’m still hung over,’ Dawson said as he eased Graham to a halt, turning the Warthog’s engine off.

‘Probably,’ Jackson said. ‘Tranquillity Moonshine doesn’t like letting go that easily.’

Dawson groaned as he got out, turning away from the blazing sun, then headed for the back of the Hog where a mortar was nestled along with a load of ammo for the mini artillery piece.

He passed the launcher to Jackson and some ammo, while behind them a similarly armed convoy of New Lunar Republic regulars dismounted and began readying their weapons.

Ahead of them lay the hill that overlooked Celestia’s manufacturing plant where the Friendship Cannon was being built, well protected behind fifteen plus layers of defences.

‘How long do we need to hold the hilltop for?’ Dawson asked.

‘Around fifteen minutes,’ Jackson said. ‘The PacCan 4.9.0.1 needs a while to be properly assembled and to build up a full charge necessary to wipe that place out. It’s a design flaw I’m hoping to improve on with the 5.0 but it’ll take a while to get the settings right before that enters frontline service.’

‘Alright,’ Dawson said. He climbed onto the back of Graham and addressed the NLR soldiers. ‘Listen up. We need to begin shelling the hell out of that place and drive the Sunnies back long enough for Spartan Jackson here to assemble his laser cannon of death and blow up that super fort over yonder. Get to it, people.’

The ponies began setting up their mortars, getting them properly adjusted and the range just right, then began unleashing salvo after salvo of high explosive, incendiary, and liberal amounts of more high explosive on the Solar Empire position.

Dawson and Jackson grimaced at the explosions, their hangover still lingering even three days later.

‘We are never drinking together again,’ Dawson grumbled as a wave of pain washed through his head with each explosion. Given how there were nearly a hundred launchers raining fire and shrapnel down at a rate of one round every four seconds, and were staggered in their launching as well, it was near constant. ‘I don’t think my head could take it.’

‘Yup,’ Jackson said.

The bombardment lasted a full ten agonising minutes, leaving the Spartans with splitting headaches and the top of the hill a barren wasteland.

Dawson gave the cease fire order and he and Jackson drew their assault rifles.

‘Charge!’ Jackson yelled, running towards the hill where a few dusty coloured shapes were moving, Sunnies somehow fortunate enough to survive the attack, only to be cut down by Jackson, then Dawson, then the rest of the NLR detachment.

‘We need to hold this territory,’ Dawson said once they reached the top. ‘At least fifteen minutes.’

The pony in charge of the other ponies saluted and nodded, galloping off to give his orders while Jackson set about assembling the PacCan 4.9.0.1, just as the gates leading into Celly’s super fort/research centre opened up and a whole company of Solar Empire regulars began pouring out.

‘Mortars!’ the pony in charge barked. ‘Target those Sunnies, engage when they come within range.’

Jackson paid him no mind, already working on his laser cannon and singing to himself.

‘All my atrocities come by way of reciprocity, I’m chewing the bones of my own reprieve,’ he sang, seemingly oblivious to the explosions going off around him as long range Sunnie artillery started targeting them. ‘Death be my dignity, execute hemlock philosophy. Poison fills the-‘

He shook his head and smacked it, changing songs.

‘Wrong franchise,’ he said to himself though Dawson heard and looked at him, bewildered.

‘No one else will help us to get through,’ Jackson sang loudly. ‘So by ourselves, we’ll know just what to do! We are connected, we’ll never be alone. We walk together, forever down that road!’ He nodded to himself. ‘That’s better.’

Dawson shrugged, shook his head, and said, ‘Shark Week,’ while Jackson kept singing.

The minutes ticked by, each passing one bringing the Sunnies and their explosives closer to the contested hilltop where Loony mortar fire was only just engaging the sun themed soldiers, and Jackson was still fiddling with the PacCan until, at last, he shouldered it.

‘We’re hot,’ he yelled, taking aim at the manufacturing plant. ‘Firing PacCan in-‘

An explosion landed close by, not enough to knock the Spartan off his feet but enough to throw his aim off just as he fired.

The beam went wide, missing the factory by miles.

Somewhere in Equestria

A colt with a bowl of petunias for a cutie mark stepped out from behind a tree he’d been lying against, looking up at the bright blue sky above and wondering what would happen if a whale were to suddenly appear in the middle of it and begin plummeting to its untimely demise at the hands of gravity and the mercilessly hard ground.

Realising he didn’t know, nor did he care, the colt shrugged and began heading towards the only structure around for miles. His home.

Both his parents were out, doing something or another to help Celestia he thought, so he had the house to himself, which was good because there was an issue of Playpony under his bed just calling out for a colt with a bowl of petunias for a cutie mark to ogle the scantily clad mares draping themselves over all manner of things.

While the whole whale things hadn’t bother him, the colt did wonder why seeing mares, who didn’t usually wear clothes in the first place, seemed so much more appealing when they draped themselves over stuff like chests or beds. If he wanted to see that, he could just go to the nearest town and pony watch.

He shrugged again. Who cared? They were naked, he was naked, everypony was naked, even the princesses.

So when a blue beam of utter devastation struck his home and reduced it to rubble in a huge explosion, he didn’t worry about the fact his house had been destroyed, or the fact that all his worldly possessions including the Playpony magazine were gone, or that a beam had come from nowhere and destroyed both.

He instead thought, for reasons known only to him and him alone that no one, not his parents, not the princesses, not you who is reading this right now and trying to understand this reference, and said aloud,

‘Oh, no. Not again.’

Back on the contested hilltop

Jackson swore and began the charging sequence, mildly pissed that the explosion had thrown his aim off and aggravated his hangover.

‘Son of a bitch!’ he said as the PacCan started its slow climb to one hundred percent. He only had two more shots, and any further distractions could see him not destroy the target, and that would make Luna mad at him.

The PacCan reached full charge a second time and Jackson took aim a second time, only for another explosion to knock his aim off right as he fired.

In the New Lunar Republic’s headquarters

Luna eased herself down onto her bed, back legs still quivering despite having three days of bed rest to recuperate from Missy’s work, and found herself feeling relaxed for the first time in what felt like months.

Missy had been right, she had been carrying around a lot of tension. Between the Solar Empire attacks, Those Two, and some other third she felt was significantly less bothersome that either of the first two, her stress levels had been unnaturally high for too long.

To unwind after all that, to release her pent up energy, and to do it in the presence of two beautiful mares and cuddle with one afterwards, was divine.

She stretched out, letting her wings unfurl, and sank into the plush covers while Tiberius curled up next to her, purring contently.

That came as a shock to Luna. She didn’t know possums could purr, though her mind was still a little foggy after her session with Missy and Twilight. Maybe it was her imagination.

Using her magic, Luna pulled the summoning rope that alerted the guards outside she wanted something.

A moment later, one of the stoic faced stallions entered, waiting for her command.

‘Bring me a bottle of Tranquillity,’ Luna said, stretching out again. ‘And a bucket of ice.’ She stole a look at the stallion’s hooves. ‘And while I drink it, you can give me a massage.’

‘Ma’am?’ the guard said.

‘A massage,’ Luna said, rolling onto her back. ‘I feel the need to have a stallion’s touch upon my body.’

The stallion baulked, blushed a little, then quickly vanished.

Luna rolled back onto her front, spying the Tranquillity Moonshine distillery building through her room’s window. It only had one customer, her, and was located on top of a natural spring that came out into a pool lined with moon rocks, giving the booze its unique flavour and potency.

It could be produced nowhere else, and the loss of that factory would absolutely crush Luna.

Which is why when the guard returned with a bottle of Tranquillity Moonshine and began massaging her body, sending fresh waves of relaxation through Luna’s body, the princess snapped her head up in alarm as a blue beam impacted the side of the distillery and blew it sky high.

‘No,’ she whispered as debris rained down. ‘No! Not the distillery! Anything but that!’

‘Ma’am?’ the guard said, hooves freezing in place.

‘Damn you, Jackson!’ Luna shouted. ‘You maniac! You blew it up! Ah, damn you! Faustia damn you to hell!’

Yet again back on the contested hilltop

‘Dammit,’ Jackson muttered as the laser began its final charging cycle, readying one last blue beam of death. ‘This time, no more explosions. No more shooting the wrong thing. No more fucking about with stupid references to other franchises.’

‘What the fuck are you talking about?’ Dawson asked as Sunnie forces appeared at the base of the hill, slowly moving up it despite heavy NLR bombardment.

‘I have no idea,’ Jackson said as the PacCan finished charging. ‘Oh, great and benevolent Flying Spaghetti Monster, please let my aim be true and not miss again. Ramen.’

‘When did you become a Pastafarian?’ Dawson asked.

‘Ages ago,’ Jackson said. He looked at Dawson. ‘What? You think I’d miss out on a beer volcano and strippers when I die? Not to mention claiming every Friday is a Holy Day? I only have to work four days a week.’

‘True,’ Dawson said. ‘Alright, light that fucker up and let’s go home.’

‘Yup,’ Jackson said, pulling the trigger.

This time, his aim was true and no explosions knocked his off, allowing the PacCan’s final charge to be unleashed with the full fury of a thin but devastating blue beam that struck dead centre of the manufacturing plant, penetrating through all the concrete, steel, and whatever else Celestia had used in its construction, hitting something explodey that in turn caused an even bigger explosion, causing a chain reaction that soon wiped out the whole base and left nothing but a massive crater, body parts and the occasional laser shark falling from the sky.

‘And it’s gone,’ Jackson said as he dumped the spent launcher.

Dawson nodded. ‘Yeah, no more Friendship Cannon,’ He clapped Jackson on the back. ‘Looks like you got your monopoly on laser beams of doom back.’

‘Yup,’ Jackson said as silence suddenly fell over everything, the artillery on both sides stopping.

The Spartans looked at each other then at the surrounding area as Solar Empire forces surrounded them. Of the New Lunar Republic forces, there was no sign. They were either dead, captured, or retreating.

‘Ah,’ Jackson said.

‘Yup,’ Dawson said.

‘Run to Graham on three with a girlish scream?’ Jackson said.

Silence answered him.

He looked to where Dawson was standing, seeing an empty patch of air, then saw the Spartan running away out of the corner of his eye.

‘Holy balls, you’re the worst subordinate ever!’Jackson yelled after the fleeing Dawson.

‘Worst commander ever!’ Dawson yelled back, reaching Graham and jumping into the driver’s seat. ‘This makes us about even!’

He drove off, the torque of the Warthog throwing up massive plumes of dirt as Dawson sped through the forest.

‘Well, fuck,’ Jackson said as the Sunnies pressed in, bringing out his assault rifle. ‘Alright, let’s get this over with.’

He took aim at the nearest pony then let loose a shrill scream, catching them all off guard, and ran down the hill as nearly a hundred ponies charged after him.